User blog:Chanyhuman/Croaks and Crowns ( Genderbent Toads and Tiaras)

The fallowing is a genderbent version of Toads and Tiaras.

Story

[Lexx is showing his posture.]

Linka: [on a megaphone] "Good. And turn..." [Lexx turns to the audience.] "...and wave." [Lexx waves to the audience.] “More teeth." [Lexx gives an oversized grin.] "Less teeth." [Lexx turns it down a bit with a nice pearly white smile.] "Excellent! Keep it up!" *wearing a headband that says "GO LEXX!" on it; to the audience.* "You might be wondering why I'm helping Lexx practice for a beauty contest. Well, not only is Lexx known as the first male in  to ever compete in a beauty pageant in Michigan, but tomorrow is the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant, and the winner gets the greatest prize ever: two season passes to Dairyland A-Moo-sement Park! That's one for Lexx, and one for coach. I've been working my butt off all week to make sure he wins."

''[A montage shows Linka prepping up Lexx. First, she applies blush onto his face.]''

Lexx: "AHCHOO!" ''[His sneeze gets glitter all over Linka. Second, he spits out his two biting teeth retainer for Linka to brush.]''

Linka: *grossed out* "Oh...oh, Gah!"

''[She starts brushing. Third, she irons his turtleneck with her left hand, brushes his hair with his right, and paints his nails with her right foot as he lays in bed in a robe, with cucumbers on his eyes and white bunny slippers. End montage. Linka uses a lint catcher as Lexx poses.]''

Linka: "It's been a long, hard road. But once we get to Dairyland, it'll all be worth it." [A frog passes by, and Leif is chasing it.]

Leif: "Get back here, Hops!"

''[Leif passes by Linka and Lexx, unknowingly splashing mud onto them. Linka quickly lifts up Lexx to prevent him from getting dirty, causing her to get covered completely in mud. She puts Lexx down as he looks back at Linka.]''

Linka:​ "Leif, watch out! Do you know how hard it is to steam clean chiffon?"

Leif: "Blah blah blah blah blah." *goes back in the house.*

Linka: *wiping off the mud and reading a book.* "Okay, Lexx, let's move onto your walk. Remember what Gilda DeLily says in her best-selling book: "Unlocking Your Inner Pageant Queen", To win the day, you must sashay."

Lexx: "I know how to walk, Linka." ''[As she practices her walk, Lincoln notices a loose bottle of hairspray on the ground. Lola steps and slips and the rest of the scene plays in slow motion.]''

Linka: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *tries to save Lola but is too late.*

[Lexx is now badly injured and resting in bed.]

Linka: "Okay, a minor setback. We can still win this thing."

Lexx: "Wake up and smell the lavender, Lincoln. It's over!"

Linka: [desperate] "You can't just quit! We worked hard on this!"

Lexx: "There will be other pageants, you know."

Linka: [miserable] “But not with Dairyland tickets."

Lexx: "Linka, I need my beauty sleep. As your pal, Gilda DeLily would say, I can't recover if you're going to hover."

[Linka is gathering up all of the pageant supplies.]

Linka: "I can't believe I learned to French Braid for nothing."

[Leif picks up the practice crown.]

Leif: "Hey, Linka. You done with this? I could use the scrap metal for welding."

''[Linka takes a look at Leif, gasps with inspiration, and switches his cap out with the crown. A heavenly image with four comic strip characters as angels tooting horns appears as a choir sings.]''

Choir: "HALLELUJAH!!!"

[Linka looks on with hope in her eyes.]

Leif: "Uh...why are you looking at me like that?"

Linka: "Leif, how would you like a season pass to Dairyland?"

[The same heavenly background appears again with Leif gasping with joy.]

Choir: "HALLELUJAH!!!"

Leif: *fighting the temptation* "Don't toy with me, Linka!"

Linka: "I'm not! All you have to do is one teensy, tiny, little thing."

Leif: *desperate*"What is it? I'll do anything!"

Linka: "You just have to take Lexx’s place in the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant and win."

Leif: *nauseated* "Are you kidding me?! Bleh! Do you have any idea who you're talking to? I mean that stuff's for... feminine people!"

Linka: *determined* "Someone who's going to love Dairyland's newest ride..." *shows a pamphlet of the ride* "...the Milk Shaker. It's so fast, you can barf, fly around a loop, and get hit in the face with said barf."

Leif: *giving in* "Darn you, Linka! I am in!" *worried with realization* "But wait. What if Lexx finds out? You know what he’s capable of."

''[An image of Lexx looking on demonically with fire in the background is shown as a cultist choir chants. Linka and Leif shiver with terror.]''

Linka: "He won't find out. I promise."

[They shake on it with Leif getting mud on Linka’s hand.]

Linka: "Bleh. First off, we gotta clean you up. Dirt on your face gets you last place."

''[Linka sneaks into the twins' room and takes out one of Lexx’s turtlenecks and pares of trousers. He wakes up.]''

Lexx: "What are you doing with that?!"

Linka: *nervous* "Oh, this?" *chuckles* "Just, uh...getting it dry cleaned. You keep healing, sunshine."

''[Linka leaves and Lexx looks on still suspicious. Leif is now wearing the turtleneck and trousers.]''

Leif: "What is this weird long neck shirt?"

Linka: "It's called a turtleneck, Leif. Now, hold still while I work my magic." *sprays and combs Leif’s hair.*

Leif: "Ugh! It smells like princess farts!"

''[The spray makes its way over to the twins' room. Lexx smells it and heads to the bathroom with a sinister look on his face. He barges in and finds Linka with her shirt off and spraying her armpits with the spray.]''

Linka: "Oh, hey, Lexx! Your hairspray makes a great deodorant. It really covers up that musky mildew smell."

Lexx: "Hmm" *leaves*

[Linka and Leif sigh with relief.]

Linka: "Help me get my arms unstuck."

Leif: "You're gonna feel some slight discomfort and..."

[Leif rips Linka’s arms apart from their pits which makes her scream in agony.]

[Linka’s room]

Linka: "Time to work on what Gilda DeLily calls the Three W's: Walk, Wave, and Work it."

[Leif walks and waves with a smile.]

Linka: "Okay, we're walking, we're waving...but we're just not working it."

[Leif tries posing attractively, but some tools fall out of his cape.]

Linka: "Tools in your cape? Seriously?"

Leif: "Handyman's code, Linka. Always be prepared."

Linka: "You are not a handyman! You are a pageant king!"

[A snow shovel pours out of Leif’s cape and Linka looks at him disappointingly.]

Linka: "What? It's supposed to snow tonight!"

''[Linka facepalms. Now they're rehearsing the Q&A portion of the pageant.]''

Linka: *using a hairbrush for a mic* "Lexx, what can a six-year-old do to make the world a better place?"

Leif: "Um..." [starts scratching his butt]

Linka: "Leif, you can't scratch your butt!"

Leif: "Why not? It helps me think!"

Linka: "Well, knock it off! Those who scratch lose the match."

[The talent portion]

Linka: "Okay, talent portion. Whatcha got?"

[Leif plays a ditty with his armpit.]

Linka: "Impressive, but I'm gonna pass." *pulls out something from her supplies.* "How about a ribbon dance? It shows elegance and poise."

Leif: *Hesitant* "Excuse me while I go barf."

Linka: "Leif, I'm busting my hump trying to turn you into a pageant king, and all I'm getting is lip. Do you want those Dairyland tickets or not?"

Leif: "Okay, okay, you're right!"

Linka: "As Gilda says, She who gives 'tude-"

Leif: *slaps the book out of her hand.* "I ALREADY AGREED!"

''[A training montage commences. Linka performs a perfect ribbon dance, but Leif gets tied up in his ribbon. She teaches him how to curtsy, and he lifts his cape up too high. She shows him how to walk elegantly, and he gets the hang of it but trips and regains her control. He masters curtsying, the three W's, and the ribbon dance. Linka is so touched at his improvement and the toys all give him a perfect score.]''

Linka: "Whoo-hoo! Leif, look at you! You've done it! You're prim and perfect."

Leif: "I never thought I'd say it, but this feels pretty good. I don't even mind the silly outfit."

Linka and Leif: "DAIRYLAND, HERE WE COME!!!"

[The next day at the pageant, Linka and Leif arrive and Leif is a little worried about the competition.]

Leif: "Whoa. Look at those kids! They're all so clean and sparkly."

Linka: "Well, so are you. You're just as good as any of them!"

[A cameraman walks by.]

Linka: "I didn't know this was going to be on TV. Good thing we don't get the Princess Channel."

[Unfortunately, Mrs. Loud has just ordered the Princess Channel so that Lexx can watch the pageant and is treating him with milk and cookies to make him feel better.]

Lexx: *sweetly thankful* "Thanks for getting me the Princess Channel, mommy!"

Lynn Sr.: "No problem, sweetie. It was either that or the Sports Channel. And who needs that, huh?" *walks off mourning*

[The pageant starts]

Dawnie: "Welcome to the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant! I'm your host, Dawnie Dufresne. Let's meet America's junior sweethearts. Hailing from Royal Woods, the first boy in Michigan to ever compete in a pageant, Mister Lexx Loud!"

''[ Leif waves. Lexx spits out his milk in shock and gasps.]''

Lexx: "What is going on?!"

Leif: "I'd like to thank my coach and sister, Linka!"

[Linka waves to him and the camera.]

Lexx: *furious* "Linka! I should have known!"

Leif: "And I just want to say it is great to be here!" *burps* "Sorry you were downwind of that, Dawnie." *nudges Dawnie’s arm*

Lexx: "THEY'RE RUINING ME! AND THEY WILL PAY!" *angrily limps off to the pageant.*

Lynn Sr.: *changing the channel order* "WOO! Sports Channel, here I come!"

[Leif has finished up his introduction and heads backstage.]

Linka: "Leif, what were you thinking? Remember what Gilda says, If you belch on stage, the judges will rage."

Leif: "Gilda actually has a rhyme for that?"

Linka: "That's why she's a pageant powerhouse. Now, the evening gown competition is next. If we wanna win those tickets, we cannot afford anymore slip-ups."

''[Leif nods in agreement. As he performs his evening gown, he steps on a loose floorboard and stops.]''

Leif: "Whoa. Hold on, everybody! Loose floorboard!" *takes out his hammer and nails it back into place.* "That'll hold. Carry on!"

[His opponents condescendingly giggle at his handyman skills.]

Linka: "Leif! What was that?! We talked about the tools!"

Leif: "I couldn't help it! Fixing stuff is what I do!"

Linka: "You're supposed to be prim and perfect! Now, do you want to go to Dairyland and get hit in the face with your own barf or not? I know you can do this. The interview is next. Go out there and nail it!" [Leif takes out his hammer.] "Not with that."

[The interview portion]

Dawnie: "Lexx, what can six-year-olds do to eliminate the national debt."

Leif: "Um..." *prepares to scratch his butt to think.*

Linka: *frighten* "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

[Thankfully, Leif controls himself.]

Leif: "Plenty, Dawnie. Just because we're six doesn't mean we can't make a difference."

''[The audience applauds. Just then, Hops hops out of Leif’s cape.]''

Leif: "OH! HOPS!"

''[The frog lands on the judge's desk and Leif lunges at her to get her back, causing a disturbance. Lexx has made his way to the pageant hall still enraged.]''

Linka: "Leif, what is the problem? We went over everything in Gilda’s book, and the companion DVD, and the podcast! How are you still not getting it?"

Leif: "I'm sorry, Linka. No matter what I do, I can't be prim, feminine, and perfect like these kids. Maybe there's something wrong with me." *starts to feel bad about himself to the point where he’s about to cry.*

''[Hops hops on top of him and looks on at Linka, ashamed of her behavior and intention. Linka realizes her foolishness.]''

Linka: "Leif! Wait. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who messed up. I got so caught up in winning those tickets, I turned into Gilda DeLily...who, when you stop to think about it, probably needs to get a life."

Leif: "Yeah, but still, why can't I be like them?"

Linka: "Because you're you. You're messy and muddy and keep a lot of reptiles in your pants. But that's what makes you cool, and I was crazy to try and change you."

Leif: *hugs his sister in forgiveness* "Aw...thanks, Lincoln."

Dawnie: "Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Lexx Loud and his amazing ribbon dance!"

Leif: "Well, that's me. I'll do my best."

Linka: "Forget the ribbon dance. Why don't you go do your own talent?"

Leif: "Really? Okay, but we can kiss those Dairyland tickets goodbye."

Linka: "I don't care about them anymore. Go be yourself."

''[Leif takes off his prim and perfect outfit and returns to his own appearance, ready to take the stage. Lexx barges in and looks for Linka. Leif is on stage with Hops.]''

Leif: "Yo, Hops! Give me a bassline!"

[Hops starts croaking and Leif starts doing a little jam while snapping his fingers, doing fart noises and scratching his butt.] 

Linka: "Whoo-hoo! That's my brother!"

Lexx: *grabs her, throws her against the wall, and holds her with his crutch.* "AND THIS IS YOUR  OTHER  BROTHER!!!"

Linka: "Wait! It's my fault, not Leif’s! It was all my idea!"

[Leif finishes his talent act and the crowd goes wild.]

Lexx: "I have worked four years to build my pageant reputation, AND YOU JUST RUINED IT!!!"

Linka: "Lexx! Listen!"

Dawnie: "...And the winner is...Lexx Loud!"

Linka: "Whoo-hoo!"

''[Lexx smiles in amazement. Leif comes in with the victory tiara on his head and sees his  twin.]''

Leif: *gasps* "Lexx! I'm so sorry I pretended to be you! Please don't be mad at me!"

Lexx: "I don't like what you did, but you did win, And I respect a winner." [Leif hugs him in relief.] Leif: *takes the tiara off* "I think this belongs to you."

Lexx: "No. You earned it. You both did, and the Dairyland tickets."

[Linka and Leif both look on in awe at Lexx’s noble gesture with the heavenly image once again accompanying this triumph.]

Choir: "HALLELUJAH!!! HALLELUJAH!!!"

Linka and Leif: *hug each other* "WE'RE GOING TO DAIRYLAND!!!"

''[Dairyland. Linka and Leif are getting on the Milk Shaker.]''

Linka: *to the audience* "Well, I've learned two very valuable lessons. One: You should never try to turn someone into something they're not. And two: If you ever ride the Milk Shaker, keep your mouth closed."

[The ride starts and everyone on it gets green around the gills and Linka throws up and gets hit by her own vomit.]

Leif: "Awesome!"

Linka: "My mouth was open!"

Trivia


 * This is the first genderbent rewrite of The Loud House.
 * The resson why I changed it to kids insted of boys was because I thought it would be more dramatic if Lexx's reputation as the first male in Michigan to compete in a beauty pageant was on the line.
 * The original script was writen by Whitney Wetta and Sammie Crowley.
 * Please support the offical release.