User blog:MrTyeDye/Fanfiction: Peeking Through the Fourth Wall (Episode 18)

''[We open on the couch. Lincoln is joined by Lori, Luna and Lisa, and he's holding Lily on his lap.]''

Lincoln: Hey, everyone! Welcome back to Peeking Through the Fourth Wall. Sorry about what happened last week; I'm pretty sure those four weirdos won't be bothering us anymore.

Lori: They better not. I'm not spending another night sitting with you in the ER without a working phone.

Lincoln: Anyway, this next story is called "Hughs and Kisses" by DandyAndy1989.

Luna: Ah, Hugh...

''[Lori, Luna and Lisa smile dreamily and let out a lovelorn sigh. Lincoln and Lily look at each other and roll their eyes.]''

Lily: Poo-poo.

Lincoln: Yeah, you said it. Anyway, let's get started!

Mrs. Johnson had a geography assignment planned for everyone this week.

"Alright, class, for your assignment, I would like you to research a certain country randomly selected from this box here, and study their culture and history by the end of the week," she declared.

Lincoln: ...and? What do we do then? Take a test? Write a report?

Lori: Does it matter?

Lincoln: Well, sure it does. Otherwise, how'll she check to see if we actually did it?

She went around the desks and all the students drew a country from it.

"I got India. What did you get?"

"I got England," said Lincoln.

Lisa: Not a country.

Luna: It's not?

Lisa: Well, technically, it is, but it's not a sovereign one, like India. It's part of the United Kingdom.

Cristina got France, Rusty got Canada, Liam got Japan, Zach got Australia, Tara got Switzerland, and so on.

''"Remember, class, learn about the place you drew and see a part of the world you never saw before," said Mrs. Johnson. "It's a big world after all."''

Luna: [Singing] Iiiit's a-

[Lori smacks her upside the head.]

Lori: No.

The bell rang and it was time to go.

Lincoln and Clyde were walking down the street back to the Loud House when Lincoln was thinking about something.

"What are you think about, Lincoln?"

[Lisa's eye twitches.]

"Well...for the country, I was thinking of a possible source I could go to. But I don't know if it's a good idea," said Lincoln.

"Why not?"

"Well...remember when I decided to get a tutor because I thought I was starting to lose it but it turned out it was because I was too distracted by our substitute?"

"Oh yeah...Ms. Dimartino..."

Luna: [Nudges Lincoln] Talk about a dime, eh, Lincoln?

Lincoln: [Blushes] Well... I mean, she-

Luna: Aw, c'mon, Lincoln. Don't tell me you didn't have your eyes locked on those thighs, and that spicy-

Lori: Hey, Luna? In case you've forgotten, there's a baby in the room.

[Luna shuffles away from Lincoln, giving him a sheepish smile.]

Luna: Heh. Sorry 'bout that.

Lily: [Scoldingly] Ba Wuna! Ba Wuna!

''Clyde started drooling over her. He never drooled over Lori like that.''

Lori: Hey! What does that bimbo have that I don't?!

"Uh...yeah. The tutor I got that time was from the country I picked, but he was a total sister magnet," Lincoln explained.

Lori: [Grinning] More like a total everything magnet. What an angel.

Luna: [Also grinning] What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.

Lisa: [Also also grinning] Truly, the pinnacle of human evolution.

[Once again, Lincoln and Lily look at each other and roll their eyes before turning back to the TV.]

''"You mean his sisters were going ga-ga over him? Even Lori?" Clyde asked after his drooling moment.''

"Even her," Lincoln answered.

Lincoln: [To Lori] Yeah, you were the worst, as I recall.

Lori: Me?! Luna was flapping her tongue at him!

Luna: Well, at least I wasn't trying to get a look at his butt, like Lisa was!

Lisa: Well, I wasn't the one who mass produced sweaters adorned with Hugh's countenance, as Leni did.

[Beat]

Luna: Leni was the worst.

Lori: Definitely.

Lisa: By a wide margin.

''"Oh, come on! What's wrong with me? Why can't I get her swooning attention?" Clyde wondered. As if Lincoln had to answer that.''

Lori: Oh, gee, let me see. You're six years younger than me, your nose oozes blood every time I come near you, you smell like Cheetos, you have the physique of a seven-year-old with leukemia, and-

Lincoln: That's enough, Lori.

"I can't let him come back here. My sisters will act like lovesick animals around him again," Lincoln realized.

He did remember one sister who wasn't there when his tutor visited.

Lily: [Raises her hand] Ga-ga!

"I could always take Lily with me. She didn't exactly fall in love with him. Besides, she's just a baby. That'd be really creepy if she fell in love with him," said Lincoln.

Lily: Na! Na ma boo boo wa wa!

Lincoln: What's that, Lily?

Lisa: She's saying that she already has eyes for someone else.

''[Lisa pulls a golden locket out of her diaper and opens it, revealing a picture of her teddy bear inside. She gives the picture a kiss.]''

''"So, you're gonna ask your former tutor about his country somewhere that's not your house?" Clyde asked.''

"What choice do I have? I can't risk him being smothered and admired again," Lincoln answered.

Luna: You know, I could have hooked you up with Chunk if you told me. He's no tutor but he ain't any less British than Hugh is.

Lincoln: Oh, right. I don't know why I didn't think of that.

He put Lily in his strap-on baby carrier and headed off to his tutor's community college dorm.

''"I wonder if Ms. Shrinivas is home right now," said Clyde. He went off to get his studies on India from the kindergarten teacher at his school.''

Lincoln and Lily went over to the community college.

''"Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Hugh?" Lincoln asked.''

"West wing, room 816," said the secretary.

Lisa: And Lincoln doesn't even need to mention his surname. I suppose he's lucky that there's only one "Hugh" at the entire university.

"Thanks," Lincoln thanked.

''He walked all the way to Hugh's dorm and knocked on it. And there was an answer from his former tutor.''

"Oh! Lincoln. It's you. Salutations, old chap," he greeted.

"Hi, Hugh. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

''"I say, it has. So, what brings you to this neck of Royal-" Hugh tried to ask until he noticed Lily. He then screamed in horror at the sight of the baby because he thought she was one of them.''

''"GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" he begged.''

[The five in them stare at the screen in silence for a few seconds.]

Lincoln: Wow. There is a lot to unpack here.

Lori: I take it you have just as many questions about this as I do.

Lincoln: Maybe more. First of all, how did he know that Lily was my baby sister? Second of all, who would get that afraid of sexual advances from a baby? In fact, who would even expect sexual advances from a baby?

Luna: Well, we did freak him out somethin' nasty when he came to our house. [Scratches the back of her head]

Lincoln: Right, except that in that situation, he had to fend off nine of you. Ten, including Dad. Here, he's just dealing with one. And she's a baby. It's not the same. And I'm not really cool with him calling Lily an "it".

Lily: [Angrily] Poo-poo!

"Don't worry, Hugh. This is Lily. She wouldn't be all over you like Lana on a mud puddle. She's just a baby," Lincoln told her.

He walked over and Lily just waved at Hugh with a cute smile.

''"Hi!" Lily greeted him in a platonic fashion.''

''"She's...not like your other sisters?" Hugh questioned just to make sure.''

''[Lily puffs out her chest and grins. Lincoln pats her on the head.]''

Lincoln: Aw, who respects others' physical boundaries? You do! You do!

"Not at all. She's too young to establish romantic feelings," Lincoln assured her.

Lily nodded, showing she was only acquainting with Hugh.

"I'm sorry, Lincoln. It's just the last time I visited your house, your sisters were amorously suffocating," Hugh apologized.

He then had flashbacks to the last time he was at the Loud House.

[Lincoln's sisters going "Buh...buh...buh"

Luna hopping around with her tongue out

The pets minus Geo clinging to him

Lola using a periscope

Lynn Sr. greeting him in a friendly British fashion at first

Lisa smiling creepily

The girls wanting to take photos of his "gluteus maximus"

Lola wanting a tea party with him

Lana in the doghouse

The rest barging into Lincoln's room when his studies were over

The girls and their dad chasing him after he escaped]

Hugh was shaking in fear over that experience.

Lori: Were we really that bad?

Lincoln: Reread the last eleven lines and then ask that again.

[Beat]

Lisa: I suppose we did get quite carried away.

Luna: But we couldn't help ourselves, dude!

[Lily just shakes her head in disappointment.]

"Ever since then, I've been trying to keep away from your abode with all my life," he quivered.

"Wow. My sisters, and my dad to a lesser extent, really did a number on you, didn't they?"

Lori: Please. If anything, Dad was even worse.

"I'm just glad they didn't get my phone number. They wouldn't stop calling me if they did," said Hugh.

"But don't worry. I came her to talk to you because I knew if we went back to my house, they'd be all over you again. And I didn't want that to happen again. Especially with this assignment I got," Lincoln explained.

''"Anything! Just as long as we don't see the rest of your sisters!" Hugh begged. "Though, at least Lily is quite alright."''

Luna: All right, we get it! We're all monsters except for Lily! Can we please move on?!

He was lucky Lily was just a baby.

''"So, what's the assignment?" Hugh asked.''

"Mrs. Johnson assigned each of us a country to research on, and I got England. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about the country and its history and culture," Lincoln explained.

"Oh, I'd be quite chuffed to help you with that. Seeing as how you're keeping me safe and all."

"Right. Anyway, let's get started."

''And so, Lincoln asked Hugh many questions about British culture and history for his assignment and jotted down notes for his report. He was learning a lot about it. All the while, Lily was looking around the room and playing with a little toy that Hugh kept on his desk. It looked like all was going well.''

Lincoln: What kind of toy would a grown man keep around?

[Lori and Luna blush furiously.]

Lincoln: Hmm? What's with you two?

Lori: N-nothing. Let's just keep reading.

"Thanks, Hugh. That should be enough for now. I'll come back tomorrow and we can finish up then," Lincoln thanked.

"Not a worry, my friend. I am always happy to help. And Lily was very well behaved," Hugh explained.

Lily giggled at that statement.

"Well, see you tomorrow," said Lincoln.

''He and Lily got back to the Loud House. He told his baby sister to be quiet about where they had been. As they entered the door, dinner was just about ready.''

''"Lincoln! You're home just in time for dinner!" said Rita.''

"That's good. I was just over at someone's place for help with an assignment is all," Lincoln told them.

''"Wait. You smell like..." Lynn asked sniffing him. "...the English Channel?"''

''"Do I smell bangers and mash?" Luna asked.''

Lisa: Oh, of course. Because all British people smell like bangers and mash. By that logic, we should have known that Ms. DiMartino was your teacher once you came home smelling like lasagna and bruschetta.

''"Uh-oh..." said Lincoln.''

"Hugh," said Lily.

''"What's that, Lily?" Lori asked.''

''"Lily, no!" Lincoln told her.''

''"Hugh," Lily reiterated. That just made Lincoln facepalm.''

Lincoln: The one person who I thought I could trust not to spill the beans...

[Lily shrugs.]

''"You were with Hugh?!" Leni asked.''

''"The man of my dreams?" the twins asked. "No, my dreams! MY DREAMS!"''

''"Why didn't you tell us you were hanging out with Hugh? We literally would have joined in!" Lori squealed.''

Lincoln: I think you just answered your own question.

"Yeah, that's the problem," Lincoln retorted.

Lincoln: See?

''"So, how's that old chap doing?" Lynn Sr. asked.''

''"Can we not talk about Hugh, please? Especially after what happened the last time he was here?" Lincoln asked.''

"I think Hugh would love me the most. I've been working on my British stand-up for a while now," said Luan.

Lori: What the heck is "British standup"?

Luna: Well, you know, like Ricky Gervais, Eddie Izzard-

Lori: Those are British standup comedians, but it still doesn't make sense to call what they're doing "British standup", like it's something someone else could learn to do. If a German doctor was doing surgery on you, you wouldn't call it "German surgery".

"No way. I should have him. I have the best British accent in the family after all, love," Luna responded in a British accent.

"He's the first person to make me feel truly alive," said Lucy.

"I want him to cheer me for my Rugby match," said Lynn.

''"Lynn, you don't even play Rugby!" Lincoln told her.''

"I do now," Lynn replied lovesick.

The girls all ran upstairs and put on their Hugh sweaters to wear at the table.

''"Do you have to wear those at the dinner table?" Rita asked.''

''"YES!" the Hugh fangirls all answered.''

''"Why couldn't I get a different country to study?" Lincoln wondered.''

Lisa: I wasn't going to bring this up, but it's starting to irk me. We've got yet another writer who hardly, if ever, takes time to describe the characters' body language and facial expressions. A little description would have worked wonders for that last line. Weary eyes, slumped shoulders, a little sigh to punctuate the sentence... I don't know, something.

After dinner, the girls were all asking Lincoln about certain questions about their favorite British dreamboat.

''"So, Lincoln, what did Hugh have to say about us?" Luan asked.''

''"Does he miss us?" Lola asked.''

''"Does he have a favorite sister now?" Lana asked.''

Lincoln: Pretty sure it's Lily by default.

''"Is he available Friday night?" Luna asked.''

''"Can we go with you to see him the next time you go?" Leni asked.''

"Look, guys. I had an assignment to learn about his country and I just felt like he was the best resource to go to for the topic," Lincoln told him.

Lincoln: Him? Him who? I thought I was talking to my sisters.

"Well, the next time you are within his vicinity, be sure to give him my highest regards," said Lisa.

''"No! Give him mine!" said Lynn.''

''"No, mine!" said Leni.''

"No. Mine," said Lucy.

''"MINE!" Lori demanded.''

Lori: How come my line's the only one in all caps?

Lincoln: Well, you do yell a lot.

Lori: I DO N-... [clears throat] I do not.

They all then started fighting each other over Hugh's heart.

"The sooner this assignment is over, the better," Lincoln sighed.

The next day, Lincoln and Lily went back to Hugh's dorm.

"Salutations, Lincoln," said Hugh.

''"Hey, Hugh..." Lincoln responded groggily.''

"My word! You look like you did not get a wink last night," Hugh pointed out with concern.

"My sisters are just as crazy for you as ever before. They smelled your cologne," said Lincoln.

Lincoln: They make cologne that smells like bangers and mash?

"Oh my. Well, at least they're not here," Hugh said with relief.

"Anyway, we'd better finish this so we don't get a trace of the scent," said Lincoln.

But before they could do that, Lily was feeling like she was gonna make a mess in her diaper.

''"Poo-poo..." she muttered.''

''"Oh no, Lily! Not now!" said Lincoln.''

''"Blimey! What is she doing?!" Hugh asked.''

Lori: Does he really need to ask that question, or has he just never been around a baby before?

''"Quick! Where's the changing station?" Lincoln asked.''

''"You'll find it in the nurse's office!" said Hugh.''

''Lincoln then rushed to the nurse's office to get Lily to change, but by the time he got there, Lily made a mess so stinky, it was really toxic and raunchy. The smell affected the entire west wing. A hazmat team was brought in to clean up the area.''

Lily: Ooba da ma!

Lisa: What do you mean, "overly dramatic"?

''"My room..." Hugh lamented.''

"It'll take about a week to clean that up," said one of the hazmat guys.

''"Now what am I gonna do?" Hugh asked.''

"I guess we have no choice now," said Lincoln.

''"Oh no! Please! Not there! Do you know what they'll do to me?" he panicked.''

''He then imagined it. He was standing in front of the door to the Loud House. It opened up and their arms all extended and pulled Hugh into their home.''

''"Hi, Hugh~!" all of the nine loving sisters greeted him each colored in with their signature color like from the theme song. Lori was sky blue, Leni was turquoise, Luna was purple, Luan was yellow, Lynn was red, Lucy was black, Lana was dark blue, Lola was pink, and Lisa was green.''

''"Please! Get away from me! I don't want this kind of attention!" he pleaded. He tried to open the door, but it was locked with no way out. He ran to a corner, but they had him trapped in their house with no means of escape. They each applied lipstick and puckered up. "Pucker up, love!" they all exclaimed amorously before coming in to smooch him.''

Lori: You know, from the other side, that's really disturbing.

Luna: Tell me about it.

"Welcome to the family, boy," said Lynn Sr. dressed as a royal guard.

The girls' lips were closing in right on Hugh for a smooch attack.

''"NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried.''

The fantasy ended.

"I can't bare to go through that," said Hugh.

Lisa: I'd like to see him bare to go through anything. [Smiles creepily]

"Well, we could ask my friends if any of them will let us stay at their places in the meantime," said Lincoln.

''He tried going door to door to see if any of them would let them stay while they finished their research, but it seemed none of them were available for that. Not Clyde, not Bobby and Ronnie Anne, not Rusty and Rocky, not Zach, not Liam, not Mr. Grouse, no one. They were all out either having fun, going to the library to research their topics, or just taking care of other things.''

"None of them are available," said Lincoln.

"Rotten luck strikes again," said Hugh.

"I'm sorry, Hugh. But we're gonna have to go to my house. It's the only option left," said Lincoln.

''"Death by love. Who would have thought?" Hugh lamented.''

Luna: Sheesh. I'm not so sure we shouldn't have saved this one for After Dark.

They stepped into the house and Lincoln looked around.

"Okay, the coast is clear. Let's hurry and get to my room," said Lincoln.

''They made their way right into his room without a single sister spotting them. "Phew. We made it," said Hugh.''

"Hold on," said Lincoln.

He then barricaded the door and window in his room.

"Just in case they try to barge in," he said.

"You thought of everything," Hugh complimented.

Lincoln: They don't call me the Man with the Plan for nothing!

"Now, let's continue where we left off," said Lincoln.

While Lincoln was busy asking his questions, the girls were all getting ready to head out to catch a flick, but then, they could hear that familiar voice.

''"Next question. What was the inspiration for the Union Jack?" Lincoln asked.''

''"I'm very glad you asked. You see..." Hugh started to explained.''

''"It's him!" Luna cheered.''

''"He's here!" Luan gushed.''

They all squealed and put on their sweaters and tried to open the door.

"I know that squealing anywhere," said Lincoln.

''"THEY'VE COME FOR ME!" Hugh panicked.''

Lori: This whole scene is playing out like a horror film. Is this really how Hugh sees us?

Lincoln: Well, let me put it this way, Lori. Let's say Clyde was here right now, following you around the house. How would you feel?

Lori: Pretty creeped out.

Lincoln: Now imagine nine Clydes.

[Lori shudders.]

Lincoln: And they're all swarming you and trying to grab you and kiss you and-

Lori: All right, all right! Enough! [shudders again]

[Lincoln reaches over and places a hand on Lori's shoulder.]

Lincoln: It's important for boys to respect your boundaries, right? But it's also important for you to respect ours.

Lori: I get it. Trust me, I get it. And I'm sorry. [Looks down and clasps hands in front of her]

Lisa: As am I.

Luna: Me, too.

"Hugh! Don't worry! Even with nine of them, they still won't be able to break in! Let's hurry and finish this before they find another way," said Lincoln.

"Okay," said Lincoln.

Lincoln: Was I just talking to myself?

Eventually, they finally got through all of Lincoln's research and put the finishing touches on his report.

"Okay, I got it done. Now I just have to put it in this clear plastic binder for safe keeping," said Lincoln.

He did so.

''"Done!" he said.''

"Excellent! A real bang-up job," said Hugh.

''"Lincoln! Open this door!" said Lori.''

"We want to see Hugh!"Lola demanded.

Lincoln: If all you wanted to do was "see" him we wouldn't be having this problem.

''"Quick! The window!" Lincoln told his former tutor.''

Lincoln activated the emergency slide Lisa installed there and gave Hugh a push down it.

''"RUN, HUGH, RUN!" Lincoln told him.''

Hugh got on his bike and rolled away before they broke the door down.

''"Where is he?" the girls all asked excitedly.''

"Oh, you just missed him," Lincoln told him.

''"No fair! You let him escape, didn't you?" Lynn asked.''

"Now I regret having installed that emergency exit," Lisa lamented.

''"Look, why do you all love Hugh so much? Did it occur to you that maybe he doesn't like you back?" Lincoln asked.''

"But we all have a sweet tooth for that gorgeous eye candy," said Luna.

''"Lori, Lucy, look at you! You're both gushing over him, but you forgot that you already have boyfriends!" Lincoln told his oldest sister and the goth.''

Lincoln: And yet, when you thought he was gushing over Ms. DiMartino, you-

Lori: Lincoln, we've had this discussion before, and I told you I'd change.

Lincoln: Okay, okay. Fair enough.

Lori and Lucy then felt something.

''"Oh my gosh...you're right. I've been flirting with another man behind Bobby's back!" Lori gasped.''

"And Edwin and Rocky would never forgive me if they saw me like this," said Lucy.

Lori: Well, first of all, Edwin isn't real. Second of all, didn't she and Rocky go on, you know, one date? Two at most? I don't think that makes them boyfriend and girlfriend.

''"But Hugh...he's so...so..." they said together. They were trying to fight it, but it was a bit of an earnest struggle for them.''

''"Face it, Lincoln. Even though we're not asleep, that guy is just so dreamy," said Luan. She laughed romantically. "Get it~?"''

Lincoln knew it wasn't easy to snap them out of it.

''At school the next day, Lincoln was looking over his report. It was good that Hugh did something for him to help him out with it. But it was not fair that he still had to suffer the romantic endeavors of his sisters.''

Lori: I hate to sound callous, but so what? Your report's finished. You don't need Hugh anymore. As far as I'm concerned, the story should be over right here.

"Looks like your report's already done," said Rusty.

"Yeah. But I still think I should pay the person who helped me with it back so I can show him how thankful I am," said Lincoln.

Luna: Well, there's always good old fashioned money.

Lincoln: I'm sure I could think of something more thoughtful. After all, the best things in life are free.

Luna: Yeah, but you can give 'em to the birds and bees.

"By the way, Rocky's been a little down lately. He says Lucy hasn't been talking to him for the past couple of days," said Rusty.

"I can't imagine why," said Lincoln.

Lisa: Was that supposed to be sarcasm? I honestly can't tell.

''He then walked over by the auditorium where the theater class was practicing something that looked like a fight scene in it. Then, he had something in mind and let out a "Hmm..."''

After school, the girls seemed to be just fine at the moment.

''"How was your day?" Lori asked.''

''"Oh, just fine," said Lincoln. "And yours?"''

"Pretty good," said Lynn.

"Oh, really? Glad to hear it," said Lincoln.

Just then, a familiar voice came out.

''"LINCOLN LOUD!" he cried out. This caused the girls to grin and giggle. They rushed to the window to see that it was Hugh.''

''"Hughie!" the girls all cheered.''

"Oh, if it isn't my old tutor, Hugh," said Lincoln.

Hugh burst open the door looking angry.

Lincoln: Whoa! What's he so pissed about?

''"How dare you take advantage of my services without properly repaying me, you ungrateful brat!" he roared.''

Luna: Sheesh. Whatever you decided to give him wasn't enough, I guess.

''"Ungrateful? What you talking about?" Lincoln asked.''

"I help you, and you show no gratitude whatsoever? I should have known a Yank like you would do that," said Hugh.

"Hey! You were willing to help me with-"

''"Don't try to come up with excuses! Either you pay me back, or you'll pay in another way!" said Hugh.''

''The girls couldn't believe what Hugh was doing to their brother. He grabbed him by the shirt collar and looked at him threateningly. He was about to deliver a blow to him, but Lori stopped the punch dead in its tracks.''

Lori: Geez Louise! You're literally going to hit a kid just because he didn't pay you for a favor you never asked to be paid for in the first place?!

''"Whoa whoa whoa! Hold it right there, "old chap"! That's our brother you're yelling at!" she said.''

"Oh, your brother? It was hard to notice him in a crowd like this," said Hugh.

''"A crowd like...are you saying you couldn't notice him just because he's the only brother we have?" Leni asked.''

"Oh, that's exactly what I'm saying," said Hugh.

Lincoln: Um... burn?

He tossed Lincoln to the side and he landed with a thud.

"Wow! We took one look at you and thought you were the cutest boy ever," said Lola.

''"But it looks like this stud is a dud!" said Lana.''

''"You may look cute on the outside, but on the inside, you're just a real jerk!" said Lynn.''

''"Your ratio of attraction has just decreased by a whopping 97%, no-longer-our-love!" said Lisa.''

Lisa: Ratio of attraction to what? A ratio compares two different variables! This... this doesn't mean anything! It's nonsense! It's gibberish!

Lincoln: Lisa...

Lisa: You can't just randomly throw mathematical terminology into your sentences and expect people to-

''[Lily cuts her off by sticking a pacifier in her mouth. Lisa suckles on it for a few seconds before taking it out and giving it back.]''

Lisa: Thank you. I needed that.

''The girls then all slapped Hugh for harassing their brother. Lori picked him up by the seat of his pants and told him, "EAT SICK AIR, YOU BLOKE!"''

Lincoln: Did Lori just lift a grown man up by his pants? How strong is she?

Lisa: Apparently, you've never heard of the phenomenon of hysterical strength. Humans have been documented to perform unnatural feats of strength during periods of great emotional stress.

Luna: Actually, I've seen it happen before. You know that piano in the garage? Well, we first bought it when I started taking piano lessons. On the day it was delivered, we all came out to see it, 'cause we were so excited, right? [To Lincoln] But one of the movers lost his grip on the piano just when you were walkin' under it. So Lori rushed in and held it up off the ground until you got out of the way.

Lincoln: Whoa, that's incredible! But how come I don't remember any of that?

Lori: You were really little at the time. About three, I think.

Lincoln: I see.

...wait a second, Lori. If I was three, then that would make you-

[Lincoln gasps.]

Lincoln: Holy smokes.

[Lori smiles and ruffles Lincoln's hair.]

Luna opened the door and Lori tossed him right into the trash can.

''"We took out the Eurotrash!" said Luan. "Get it?!"''

The girls closed the door and took off their sweaters.

''"We wear these Hugh sweaters...NO MORE!" said Leni.''

They then tossed them in the garbage so they'd never have to see him again.

"I don't know what we were thinking of gushing over someone like that," said Lola.

"Anyone who hurts our bro is definitely not one we'd wanna gush over," said Luna.

''"And worst of all, I probably hurt Bobby's feelings," said Lori. She called him up. "Hello, Boo-Boo Bear?"''

Lori: He was a little upset when I finally told him. He understood, though.

"And I have many amends to make with Edwin and Rocky," said Lucy.

"And Mr. Coconuts would never forgive me if I left him for that guy," said Luan.

[Beat]

Lori: Are they implying that Luan and Mr. Coconuts are...

...forget it. I don't want to know.

"I'm just glad you all learned your lesson," said Lincoln.

"Yeah. Don't flirt behind your boyfriend's back," said Lori.

Lincoln: ...because the man you're flirting with might secretly be a jerk?

Luna: Yeah, I'm with Lincoln. The message here is a lil' muddled.

"That, and some people just aren't what they seem," said Lana.

"Good," said Lincoln.

The girls were disgusted with Hugh trying to hurt Lincoln for not repaying him for his help on the report.

Lisa: The role of a narrator is not to reiterate what should already be obvious to the reader.

Lincoln then used the emergency exit and came to Hugh who just got out of the trash can.

''"You okay?" he asked him.''

''"Yes, I'm quite alright. At least it worked!" said Hugh.''

Lori: Oh. So that whole outburst was just a way to get us to stop lusting after him?

Lincoln: Seems like it.

[Beat]

Lori: Why? Again, your assignment was already finished. Hugh could've just gone back to England or whatever and the whole story would be over. What was the point of this?

''"Yeah! My sisters despise you, now! You don't have to worry about them amorously chasing you ever again!" said Lincoln.''

''"Oh, thank you, Lincoln! Thank you thank you thank you!" Hugh thanked while shaking his friend's hand. "I'd rather be hated by them than loved."''

Luna: Way harsh, dude...

"So I noticed," said Lincoln.

''Lori and Lucy especially took their time to talk to their boyfriends. And Luan was sticking with Mr. Coconuts.''

Lori: Again, I don't want to know.

Finally, Friday came, and Lincoln was giving his report on his facts about England.

"And so, with a rich culture heralding back to many centuries, England has come a long way and shown to be one of the most indigenous lands in Europe," Lincoln finished.

Lisa: Well, Lincoln, if I was your teacher, I'd take points off for using the word "indigenous" incorrectly, and I'd sternly remind you not to use fancy words if you don't actually know what they mean.

Everyone applauded his report, especially Mrs. Johnson.

Lisa: And apparently Mrs. Johnson disagrees.

"Excellent research, Lincoln," she said.

"Thanks, Mrs. Johnson. But I can't take all the credit. I had help from someone," said Lincoln.

''Hugh stepped into the room and waved to everybody. The female students and Mrs. Johnson all looked at him the same way Lincoln's sisters did.''

"Meet Hugh," he said.

"Top of the morning to you all," said Hugh.

''"Bah...bah...bah..." Mrs. Johnson swooned before fainting on her desk. The female students all did the same.''

"Well, better them than your sisters," said Hugh.

"No kidding," Lincoln agreed.

Lori: Hey! What makes them think that Lincoln's dumb classmates would behave any better than us?!

Lincoln: Well, it's not they have a high bar to clear.

Lori: [Sighs] Point taken.

[Lincoln turns to the camera.]

Lincoln: Thanks to whoever sent this story in. I think my sisters really needed to see something like this.