User blog:MrTyeDye/Fanfiction: Ha-Ha Nagila

Been a while since I've tried one of these. Here's another script fic!

PLOT SYNOPSIS: Luan has her work cut out for her when Luan schedules her to perform at a Bar Mitzvah.

Also, I should let you know that there are a few Hebrew and Yiddish words scattered about this fic. If you're ever confused, I've included a translation guide at the bottom.

Script
''[We open with Luan at the foot of the stairs, about to walk her way up. Before she does, she turns to look at the camera.]''

Luan: Have you ever tried running a business as a high school student? I gotta tell you, it's not easy. Or, I should say, it's serious business. [Laughs] But fortunately, I don't have to tackle it alone. I've got plenty of siblings who are willing to help me. In fact, Luna's upstairs right now, managing my schedule. Let's see how that's going!

''[Luan walks up the stairs and towards her room. When she opens the door, she sees Luna bent over her desk, marking up Luan's calendar with a pen.]''

Luan: Hey, Luna! How's my schedule coming along?

Luna: [Looks up from her desk] Pretty good, dude! You're available on Saturday the 13th, right?

Luan: Yep! That day's wide open for me!

Luna: Great. Because I just booked you for Jonah Horowitz's Bar Mitzvah.

[Luan's pupils shrink and her jaw drops open.]

Luan: Ba... Ba... Bar Mitzvah?

Luna: Yeah, a Bar-

Luan: You signed me up for that?!

Luna: [Stands up] Whoa! What's the big whoop? You said you were free on Saturday!

Luan: Yeah, but I didn't say anything about Bar Mitzvahs!

Luna: Oh, come on, Luan. I know it's a bigger crowd than what you're used to, but-

Luan: The size isn't even the problem, Luna. [Grabs her temples] It's that I'll be performing for... for Jews.

[Luna raises an eyebrow at her.]

Luna: And why is that a problem?

[Luan grabs Luna by the shoulders and starts shaking her.]

Luan: Because Jews are the masters of comedy! The Marx Brothers, The Three Stooges, Lenny Bruce, Zero Mostel, Mel Brooks, Joan Rivers, Goldie Hawn, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Jon Stewart! I can't live up to those standards!

[Luna gently takes Luan's hands off of her shoulders.]

Luna: Luan... relax. Take it easy. I'm sure they - wait, Robin Williams wasn't Jewish.

Luan: He wasn't?

[Luna shakes her head.]

Luan: Huh. Could've sworn he was.

[Beat]

Luna: Anyway, I'm sure they wouldn't have requested you if they didn't think you could hack it. You'll be fine.

Luan: [Sighs] You're right, Luna. I'm just gonna have to bone up on Jewish humor!

Luna: That's absolutely not what I sa-

Luan: Great talk, Luna! Bye!

[Luan dashes out the door and slams it behind her.]

[We cut to a day later, and Luan is glued in front of the TV, watching Seinfeld.]

George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.

Soup Nazi: Bread? Two dollars extra.

George: Two dollars?! But everyone in front of me got free bread!

Soup Nazi: You want bread?

George: Yes, please.

Soup Nazi: Three dollars.

George: What?!

Soup Nazi: No soup for you!

''[Luan laughs hard. Moments later, Leni and Lisa walk into the room.]''

Leni: How much longer are you gonna be? I want to watch Dream Boat.

Lisa: Then I hope you have it TiVo'd. Luan's monopolized the television.

Leni: Mo-no-po... like the board game?

[Lisa facepalms.]

Lisa: I mean she's hogging the TV, Leni. I tried to get her to budge, but she insisted that she needs to "study". For what, I don't know.

Luan: [Groans] It's for a Bar Mitzvah, Lisa. If I want to impress these people, I have to know their jokes like the back of my hand. Now shush!

''[Leni suddenly gets a confused look on her face. She stares into space for a moment, before taking a look at the back of her own hand.]''

''[We cut to another day later. Luan is seated on the easy chair, with "The Big Book of Jewish Humor" open in her lap, while Luna is kneeling next to her.]''

Luan: ...and when a particular prayer is said, half the congregation stands up while the other half remains seated. Then, they just argue and argue and argue over which you were supposed to do. Eventually, two members of the congregation decide to resolve the issue, so they seek out the oldest, wisest rabbi in town. They open a torah, turn to the prayer, and ask him if they're supposed to stand during it. The rabbi says, "That is not the tradition."

Then they ask if they're supposed to sit down. The rabbi says, "That is not the tradition, either."

Then they say, "So what is it?! Whenever we get to the prayer, all we do is argue with each other!"

And the rabbi says, "THAT'S the tradition!" [Laughs]

[Luna chuckles.]

Luna: Heh, that's pretty good.

Luan: "Pretty good"?! No, it's hilarious! What's wrong with you?!

Luna: Luan, I... I guess it's not something I can really relate to. I liked it, but I don't really "get it" the same way a Jewish person would.

[Luan frowns.]

Luna: You know, here's an idea. How about instead of just retelling these old jokes, you try to come up with some new ones?

[Luan's brow wrinkles with worry.]

Luan: Do you really think they'll like what I come up with?

[Luna smiles and ruffles Luan's hair, causing her to smile back.]

Luna: I know they will, lil' sis.

''[Later, we see several of the other Loud siblings gathered in Lori's room. Leni is still staring at the back of her hand.]''

Lori: Does anyone know what's going on with Luan? Nowadays, she seems to have a one-track mind.

Lisa: I, too, have noticed some peculiar behavior. All of her puns are centered around Judaism.

''[What proceeds is a montage of Luan popping up around the house and sharing her newly crafted jokes with her family. First, she approaches Lynn in the backyard while she's doing some crunches.]''

Luan: Why did the Jewish comedian bomb? He knew a great joke, but he didn't know how to tallit! [Laughs]

[Then, she approaches Lola while she's having a pretend tea party.]

Luan: Why did the Jew veto the budget bill? Because of all the pork in it! [Laughs]

[Then, she scoots up next to Lucy while she's in the vent, writing a poem.]

Luan: How did Queen Esther greet her vizier? "Haman, what's up?" [Laughs]

[We cut back to Lori's room.]

Lisa: I don't exactly have a problem with it, but it's a little peculiar.

[Luna raises her hand.]

Luna: I can explain. See, I booked her for a Bar Mitzvah this Saturday, so she's tryin' to think of Jew jokes to tell.

Lori: A Bar Mitzvah?! Luna, those parties are enormous! What were you thinking?!

Luna: Oh, I'll tell you what I'm thinkin'.

[We then cut to the hall, and we see that Luan is eavesdropping on the conversation.]

Luna: I'm thinkin' that Luan's gonna walk right into that synagogue and knock everyone dead. I booked her because I think - no, I know she's capable.

[Luan bears a quivering smile.]

Lori: I'm glad you have faith in her, but this is literally twice the size of anything she's done before. She must be terrified.

[Luan's smile disappears just as quickly as it appeared.]

Lori: And just for the record, I didn't laugh at a single joke she told today. Though, granted, I don't usually laugh at her jokes anyway.

[Luan glumly slinks away from the door.]

''[The next day, we see Luan at clowning school, running some of her jokes by Giggles. Both of them are done up in clown makeup.]''

Luan: How does a Jew make coffee? He brews it! [Laughs] Get it?

Giggles: [Giggles] Yeah, I got it. Not bad, Luan.

[Luan narrows her eyes at Giggles.]

Luan: You mean that, right? You're not just saying that to be nice?

Giggles: Of course I'm not! Have I ever lied to you before?

Luan: Actually, yeah. On the first day of clowning school you told me that Pennywise was your uncle.

Giggles: Besides that, I mean.

[Luan thinks for a bit.]

Luan: No. No, I guess not.

Giggles: I promise you, you'll be fine. You've got this in the bag! Now tell me another.

Luan: Um... okay. Why should you seek advice at a bris?

''[We cut to Luna and Luan in their room. Luna is doing her homework, while Luan has her nose buried in the Jewish humor book.]''

Luan: Hey, Luna? What does "plotz" mean?

Luna: I... I really don't know, Luan.

[Luna turns her chair around to face Luan.]

Luna: Listen, Luan, we need to talk. I know you're nervous about this Bar Mitzvah, but you really don't have to be. You've spent all week studying and writing new material. You'll be fine.

Luan: You don't get it, Luna. This gig could make or break my whole career! I can't go up there looking like some kind of schlemiel!

[Luna sighs.]

Luna: I do get it. You've got a lot banking on this performance. But if you just keep your head held high and have faith in yourself, I know you'll bring the house down.

[Luan gives Luna a small smile.]

Luan: You mean like Samson?

Luna: Exactly like Samson.

''[We fast forward to the day of the Bar Mitzvah. Luan is right outside the doors of the Royal Woods Synagogue, dressed in a lacy white gown in lieu of her usual attire. She takes a step back, does some deep breathing, and walks inside after composing herself. She is promptly greeted by a wiry, bespectacled boy about her age, wearing a tallit and a yarmulke. By his side is an old man with a scraggly white beard, wearing the same thing.]''

Luan: Oh, hey there! Um... Jonah, right?

Jonah: That's me! Glad to see you could make it!

Old Man: Shalom aleichem, Luan. You must be the funny one I've been hearing so much about.

Jonah: Oh, you'll love her, Rabbi Yitzchak. She's the funniest girl in Royal Woods!

Luan: Um... yep. Sure am.

Rabbi Yitzchak: Come, right this way! Services are just about to start.

[As they walk down the hall, Jonah leans over and whispers into Luan's ear.]

Jonah: I won't blame you if you fall asleep; this is the boring part. But be ready to wake everyone up again with your good jokes!

Luan: [Whispers] Y-yeah. You bet.

[Luan gulps.]

''[We skip ahead about three hours. At this point, the services are over, and everyone has moved to the reception hall - a wide, spacious room with several clusters of well-decorated tables surrounding a sizable dance floor. Luan is seated alone at one of the tables, jittering incessantly. Meanwhile, Rabbi Yitzchak is in the middle of a speech, with Jonah by his side.]''

Rabbi Yitzchak: Truly, Jonah, this is a wondrous occasion - a pivotal moment in any young Jew's life. But I ask you, what Bar Mitzvah is complete without a few laughs?

[Beat]

Rabbi Yitzchak: Fortunately, we're in the company of someone who can provide us with plenty. I'd like to introduce you all to Miss Luan Loud!

''[A spotlight shines on Luan's table. Luan scoots her chair out, stands up and nervously walks up to the stage. Once there, Yitzchak hands her the mic.]''

Luan: H-hi, everyone! Great to be here. Here's a hoot and a half for ya: how does Queen Esther... um...

''[Suddenly, Luan starts imagining the faces of Groucho Marx, Woody Allen and Jackie Mason (among others) seated among the crowd, giving her scornful looks. She panics and cuts her joke short.]''

U-um... what I mean is, uh... on the way over, my friend and I were followed by a couple of mean-looking kids. So I said to her, "We'd better get out of here! There's two of them, and we're alone!"

[An awkward silence ensues as nobody laughs.]

Luan: You know, funny thing about my friend: she's half-Polish and half-Jewish. She's a janitor, but she owns the building!

''[Again, nobody laughs. Luan starts sweating and tugging at her collar.]''

Luan: Heh... sorry. I'm a little under the weather. I just went to the doctor and told him that I have a ringing in my ear. The doctor said, "Don't answer it!"

''[Once again, nobody laughs. The only thing she hears from the audience is a cough. Jonah and Yitzchak give her a bemused look.]''

Luan: I... um... I have to go to the bathroom!

''[Luan sprints out of the reception hall and into the lobby of the building. She props herself up against a wall and starts hyperventilating.]''

Luan: [In between gasps] T-this isn't happening. This has to be a nightmare.

[Moments later, a concerned-looking Rabbi Yitzchak steps out into the lobby and approaches her.]

Rabbi Yitzchak: Luan, bubbeleh, what's going on with you?

Luan: I...I... [Still hyperventilating]

Rabbi Yitzchak: Luan, please, calm yourself. Breathe.

[Luan takes a few moments to collect herself.]

Rabbi Yitzchak: Now, tell me what's wrong.

Luan: I-I don't understand, Rabbi Yitzchak! There are over a hundred people in that hall and I'm not making any of them laugh!

Rabbi Yitzchak: Well, of course you're not. Why are you using all of those tired old jokes? I thought you would write your own jokes.

Luan: I did, but I... I wasn't sure anyone here would like them. Besides, I thought that those jokes I told up there were classics.

Rabbi Yitzchak: Classics, yes, but classics we've heard many, many times before. You should know that a joke loses its luster the more times you hear it.

[Luan's eyes drift towards the floor.]

Luan: So I spent all that time studying for nothing.

Rabbi Yitzchak: Studying, you say?

Luan: Yeah. I spent a lot of time watching Jewish comedians and memorizing their jokes. You know, so I'd have something to fall back on.

[Yitzchak laughs and shakes his head.]

Rabbi Yitzchak: Luan, Jewish humor isn't something you can come to understand after just a week of studying. Our jokes were borne from decades of experiences - and all of the suffering that came with them.

[Luan hangs her head in shame, wringing her hands.]

Luan: I guess this family made a big mistake, hiring me.

Rabbi Yitzchak: Not at all! Young Jonah's been to some of your shows, you know. He says you never fail to get a laugh out of him!

[Luan pokes her head up.]

Luan: He has? He does?

Rabbi Yitzchak: Indeed. But he didn't ask for you to come here and tell our jokes. He wanted you to tell your jokes. If we just wanted to hear old standards, we wouldn't have hired a goy.

Luan: [Feigning indignation] Hey! I'm a girl, thank you very much!

[Rabbi Yitzchak laughs.]

Rabbi Yitzchak: Ah, you see? There's your comedic voice. Use that.

''[Luan grins, gives Yitzchak a hug, and dashes back into the hall. Once there, she grabs and dives right back into her routine.]''

Luan: [To Jonah] I've gotta say, I'm impressed with all the decorations here. And a fully stacked buffet table, and a live DJ? When it comes to celebrations, your family's really raising the bar!

''[Luan gets a few chuckles from the crowd. Emboldened, she continues.]''

Luan: I heard you had to do a lot of studying for this day. Did they make you take the bar exam?

[A bigger laugh is heard from the crowd, and Jonah himself starts laughing too.]

Luan: And I also heard you were born on a very special date. The tenth day of the Hebrew month of Nisan!

[She then reaches under her gown and pulls out Mr. Coconuts.]

Luan: [As Mr. Coconuts] Well, I was born on the tenth day of Toyota!

''[That joke gets her the biggest laugh so far. Both the audience and Jonah crack up.]''

Luan (Voice Over): Well, I sure did learn a lesson that day. A few of them, actually. I shouldn't have put my audience on such a high pedestal. At the end of the day, they're just regular people who like to laugh!

[We see a montage of Luan enjoying herself at the Bar Mitzvah - dancing the horah, getting lifted in the chair, slow dancing with Jonah and telling more of her jokes.]

Luan (Voice Over): And you know what else? I've never set foot inside a Jewish deli, I could never imagine myself staying kosher, and heck, I still don't know what "plotz" means. (Seriously, is it a verb? A noun?) But by the end of the party, I really felt like I belonged - like these people had accepted me as one of their own.

[The montage then shows Luan stuffing herself at the buffet table.]

Luan (Voice Over): Oh, by the way, lox is the best. I gotta ask mom to add it to the shopping list!

''[We see Luan lingering at the reception hall, chatting with Jonah as the other guests start to file out. She continues to narrate over a second montage, this one of Jonah and his friends romping around the neighborhood with Luan.]''

Luan (Voice Over): After the party, Jonah invited me to hang out with him and his friends for a few hours more. Now that made me feel special.

''[The montage ends late at night, with Luan parting with the group somewhere close to her house. Jonah says goodbye and pecks her on the cheek, making her blush.]''

Luan (Voice Over): Really special. In retrospect, though, I probably should have been trying to keep track of time.

[Luan goes up to her house and walks in the door, only to see Rita and Lynn Sr. glaring at her from the couch.]

Rita: Do you have any idea what time it is?

[Luan casts a pained look towards the camera.]

Luan: Oy, gevalt...

THE END

Trivia

 * The title is a reference to the classic Israeli folk song, "Hava Nagila".
 * The name "Yitzchak" is derived from the Hebrew word for laughter. Rather apropos, no?
 * I legitimately used to think that Robin Williams was Jewish.

Translation Guide
- Tallit: A fringed prayer shawl, worn by Jewish men

- Plotz: To faint from surprise or exhaustion

- Schlemiel: An inept buffoon

- Yarmulke: A skullcap, also worn by Jewish men

- Shalom Aleichem: A Hebrew greeting, meaning, "Peace be upon you."

- Bubbeleh: A Yiddish term of endearment, comparable to "dear" or "honey"

- Goy: A non-Jew

- Oy, gevalt: Dang it