User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: Prescription Probability

I might be alone in saying this, but I feel that Lynn's superstitious nature is an interesting aspect of her character that's well worth exploring. And the reason I think I'm alone in saying this is that the last time the writers on the show made Lynn's superstitions the focus of an episode, it did not go well. It's gotten to the point where the very episode and everything involved is considered taboo in this community. And alas, that includes Lynn's superstitions.

Well, as they say, foturne favors the bold. I've personally taken it upon myself to write a story that focuses on Lynn's superstitions without making a single reference to any controversial episodes. I now present to you the results of my endeavor. I call it:

Prescription Probability
“Ugh, dang it, Cliff! Don’t you know you can’t cross my path?! Shoo! Get out of here! Go sleep somewhere else!”

Cliff let out an indignant hiss as Lynn shooed him from her room. She slammed her door so hard that it caused the basketball hoop she had set up on her wall to fall to the floor with a clatter. Noticing this, Lynn snarled and prepared to open her door so she could tell Cliff off. But when she yanked on the doorknob, it was torn clean from the door. With a scream of frustration, she pitched the doorknob at the with all her might. The doorknob ricochetted off the wall and bashed her in the nose. Lynn fell to the floor, moaning in pain and aggravation.

For a week now, Lynn Loud Junior had been in something of a rut. No matter what she did, nothing was going her way. Her sports teams were all suffering through a devastating slump, and she herself had the threat of academic probation dangling over her head due to her slipping grades. Even during Game Night, where she normally reigned supreme, she lost all of her chocolate chip cookies to Leni in a game of Texas Hold ‘Em. And that wasn’t to mention all of the little things, such as Fangs biting her more frequently than normal, or how her lucky shuttlecock ended up being Mr. Grouse’s property, or just now when she tried to deal with Cliff.

Lynn only had one explanation for all of this: she had somehow been cursed with bad luck. She didn’t know how or why, of course, but to her, that didn’t matter. All that mattered was her life was horrible right now, and her luck was to blame.

“Maybe my good luck charms have worn off,” she mused, slowly getting to her feet. “I mean, that can happen, can’t it? I’ll just have to go out and get some more. Though knowing my luck, I’d only be able to buy them from Flip, and he’ll charge me out the nose for ‘em. Maybe I’m doing my rituals wrong? No, that can’t be it. I’ve done them the same way for years. Did they change ‘em when I wasn’t looking? Who would even be in charge of that?!”

Lynn paced around her room, grumbling and muttering to herself as she wracked her brain for a solution. She was soon interrupted by a knock on her door, followed by it swinging open. She turned and scowled. It was her little sister Lisa, wearing a lab coat.

“Let me guess. The doorknob situation?” Lisa asked rhetorically.

Lynn grunted and rubbed her nose, trying to clean herself up. “Whaddya want, Lisa?”

Lisa brandished a small cotton swab. “Just doing my rounds for the weekly DNA cheek swab.”

Lynn snorted. “Why? So you can jam that ding-dang thing down my throat and make me choke?”

Lisa blinked in confusion. “I… have no intention of doing that.”

“I know you have no intention of doing that, but it’s gonna happen, anyway,” Lynn growled.

“How can you be so certain?”

“Because of my stupid bad luck curse, that’s how.”

Lisa sighed and rolled her eyes. “Lynn, I do not have the patience for this. What if I give you my word that I will exercise extra caution?”

“Yeah, and then Lucy will pop up out of nowhere and scare you, and the next thing I know, I need the Heimlich maneuver,” said Lynn.

Lisa pinched the bridge of her nose. “Must you be so paranoid?”

“How else would you explain what’s been happening to me, huh?!” Lynn snapped. “I haven’t been able to catch a break all week! Just yesterday, I balked the winning run and cost my team a very important game! That’s never happened to me before!”

“And so, the only logical explanation you can think of for this unfortunate state of affairs is… you’ve been cursed with bad luck?” asked Lisa.

Lynn huffed and folded her arms. “Unless you have a better explanation, Little Miss Smarty Pants.”

“And your solution to this is to live the rest of your life in accordance with Murphy’s Law.”

Lynn blinked. “Okay, I don’t know who Murphy is, but I’m just gonna keep on my guard until I find a way to shake this curse. I dunno, maybe I’ll go out back and look for a four-leaf clover or something.”

“I fail to see how a particular plant with an arbitrary number of leaves is going to alleviate your situation,” said Lisa bluntly.

Lynn gave Lisa an incredulous look before letting out a bitter laugh.

“Well, aren’t you just a joy,” she spat. “And here I thought Lucy was the morbid one. What would you suggest, huh? That I should just give up? That no matter what I do, the outcome is going to be completely random, so why bother? Nothing is under my control? Whatever happens happens? Uh-uh. No way, sister. I am not going down that road. I refuse to believe that.”

Lisa stared at Lynn, her face clouding over with concern. She found it incredibly ironic that Lynn was accusing her of being a defeatist when she herself seemed to be adopting that very attitude. However, Lisa understood that pointing that out would most likely end in bodily harm. She figured there had to be some other way to properly articulate her true thoughts on the matter.

“What’s that? No clever retort?” Lynn said with a scoff. “Then get out of my face, and take your creepy experiments with you.”

“Actually, I believe I may have a solution to your dilemma,” said Lisa. “Wait here a moment.”

With that, Lisa departed for her room. Lynn scowled at her as she left. Whatever her brainy little sister had cooking up in that head of hers, she wasn’t interested. When it came to her inventions, Lisa’s track record was often hit-or-miss. And with Lynn’s luck being the way it was, she was banking on something that would only make things worse. She sighed and ventured out into the hallway.

Before she could go downstairs, Lisa reemerged from her room. She was holding a small pink tablet and a glass of water. Lynn arched an eyebrow.

“And what exactly is that supposed to be?” she asked.

“It’s a new pharmaceutical drug that I’m testing,” said Lisa. “It’s still awaiting peer review, but my research shows that it is perfectly safe for human consumption. I call it the Probability Pill. Theoretically, it should be able to alter the algorithms dictating the outcomes of your actions so that those outcomes are more likely to be favorable for you.”

Lynn gave Lisa a blank stare before deadpanning. “In English, please.”

“It should boost your luck.”

Lynn continued to stare at Lisa with bemused contempt. “You must think I’m desperate, stupid, or both. First of all, I’m not putting anything in my body that came from your lab. Mom and Dad told you that you’re not allowed to use us as test subjects anymore.”

“I’ve already made the necessary tests, like I said,” said Lisa. “This capsule is perfectly safe, I promise you.”

“Well, second of all, my school runs regular drug tests,” said Lynn firmly. “If they find a luck-boosting pill in my system, my sports career is officially over.”

Lisa tapped her chin in thought. “Hmm. That is a fair point. Fortunately, I am prepared. Hold these, would you?”

Lisa pushed the glass of water and the pill into Lynn’s hands and took out a notepad and pen. She then scribbled something onto the notepad before showing it to Lynn. Lynn squinted as she tried to decipher what it said, but given Lisa’s robust vocabulary, she found it quite difficult.

“Um, what’s this?” she inquired.

“A prescription,” Lisa answered. “Your school can’t punish you for taking a prescribed medication, can it?”

Lynn had to take a moment to think about that. Would her school really accept a prescription written by her four-year-old sister? Then again, Lisa was certainly no ordinary four-year-old. In the end, she figured that if Lisa was authorized to give lectures at M.I.T., she was probably authorized to write a prescription like this for her.

“I… guess not,” she said with a shrug. “Still, I dunno, Lis’. Kinda sounds too good to be true.”

Lisa shrugged in return. “I just figured I’d offer a potential solution. It’s your decision as to whether or not you accept it. Farewell for now, sibling.”

With that, Lisa slipped back into her room. Lynn looked down at the pill in her hand, brow furrowing.

Am I really going to do this? she wondered. Has my luck really gotten that bad?

“Geo, get back here! That lettuce was for Torry!”

Lynn suddenly felt something bump into her foot, causing her to stumble. She managed to catch a quick glance at Geo running away in his hamster ball. Before she could regain her balance, Lana darted past her in Lola’s princess car, twirling a lasso over her head. Lynn was spun around and fell flat on her back. She groaned.

“Yes. Yes it has,” she grumbled. She sat up and looked back down at the pill. She swallowed, still wondering if it was as safe as Lisa claimed it was. Finally, she let out a defeated sigh.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” she quipped. She popped the pill into her mouth and washed it down with the glass of water, bracing herself for whatever happened next.

She waited.

And waited.

And waited.

After what felt like a solid minute, she felt no different than before. Shakily, she got to her feet.

“Huh. Guess it was safe,” she mused. “But, am I actually luckier now? Hmm…”

“Kids! Dinner’s ready!”

Lynn’s train of thought was derailed by the promise of dinner. In an instant, her worries were pushed to the back of her mind as she rushed downstairs along with her siblings.

***

The next day, Lynn started noticing things changing around her. It started in the morning, when Lucy’s bat Fangs decided to sleep in instead of flying around trying to bite her. She shrugged this off, thinking that Fangs just had a late night strolling with Lucy. Still, she kept the event in the back of her mind as she carried on with her day.

Just as she was about to leave for school, her mother stopped her.

“Here, Lynn! I know it’s your turn to bring a snack for your team today, so your father decided to make you some crudités.”

Lynn’s eyes shot open in astonishment. Normally, she’d be lucky if she got a half-rotten banana to bring for her teammates. But as the saying went, one time is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, three times is a trend. She still kept on her guard.

“Uh, thanks, Mom,” she said, accepting the bag of crudités. She then hopped into Vanzilla and put on her seatbelt.

“What?! No fair!” Lola exclaimed. “Mom~! Lynn took the Sweet Spot! It’s my turn to have it!”

Lynn did a double take. She wasn’t even paying attention to where she was sitting, yet she miraculously managed to snag the best spot in the car.

“Lola, we don’t have time for this,” Rita scolded. “You’ll just have to wait until next time.”

As the rest of the family piled in (with Lola continuing to gripe and complain), a wide grin formed on Lynn’s face. She suddenly felt as though the powers that be had shifted the balance of the universe in her favor. Confidence radiated through her entire being. Today was the day that she would come out on top. She knew that for a fact.

Sure enough, as the day continued, good fortune seemed to follow Lynn everywhere she went. She had a pop quiz in her math class, and she managed to ace it with minimal difficulty. Her friend Margo gave her a rousing pep talk about the game she botched the day before, even though she was certain that she’d be chewed out for it. Even the spicy meatball sub she packed for lunch was perfect, having just the right amount of heat.

After school, it was time for baseball practice. Although a few of Lynn’s teammates gave her dirty looks, she didn’t let that bother her. After all, she was coasting on a large good luck wave right now. She’d show them just what she was capable of.

All throughout baseball practice, Lynn was more focused than ever. She kept the batters on their toes with her pitching, and her batting stance was just as on-point as ever. And while her performance wasn’t perfect, all of the teammates that gave her dirty looks before were now giving her pats on the back and encouragement.

“Good hustle, Loud! Pitch like that tomorrow, and we just might break this slump!” said the coach.

“Thanks, coach!” said Lynn with a tip of her cap.

As the team disbanded for the day and made their way home, Lynn noticed one particular boy approach her. When she saw who it was, her cheeks started to burn. It was none other than Fransisco, one of the best hitters on the team and the boy of her dreams.

“Hey, Lynn. Great job out there today,” he said with a smirk. “Looks like you managed to turn yourself around after that upset yesterday.”

“Um, uh, yeah. G-guess I did,” Lynn said sheepishly.

There was an awkward pause as Lynn cast her gaze downward and shuffled her feet. Fransisco let out a cough.

“So, uh…  I heard a new roller skating rink just opened up at the Royal Woods Mall,” he said. “I-if you’re not busy on Saturday, maybe we can hit it up and check it out?”

Lynn’s eyes nearly popped out of her skull. If there was any doubt in her mind about Lisa’s pill before, there certainly wasn’t any doubt now. Her bad luck curse was truly broken.

“Uh, yeah. Sure, that sounds cool,” she said.

“Great. See you then,” said Fransisco. With a smirk, he slugged Lynn in the arm and went on his way. Once he was gone, Lynn squealed with delight and started jumping for joy.

“Omigosh omigosh omigosh~! Best. Day. EVER!” she cheered.

“Whoa. Chill out there, Lynn.”

Lynn blinked as she saw Margo pass by with a sly smirk on her lips. Lynn’s blush resurfaced in full force as she rubbed the back of her head.

“Uh, heh heh. Sorry,” she said sheepishly.

***

Lynn wasted no time when she got home from school. She immediately darted upstairs and barged into Lisa’s room, causing Lisa to spill her chemicals and create a small explosion. Before Lisa could scold Lynn for her intrusion, Lynn pulled Lisa into a large bearhug and smothered her with kisses.

“I-I take it your day went well?” Lisa grunted uneasily.

Lynn laughed and spun Lisa around. “Lisa, you are just the best! I took that pill you prescribed to me, and my luck did a complete one-eighty, just like you said it would!”

“I-I’m certainly glad to hear that,” said Lisa, squirming out of Lynn’s grip.

“I really can’t thank you enough for this, Lis’. I feel like I never have to worry about luck again!” Lynn exclaimed. “Not as long as I keep taking that pill.”

Lisa averted her eyes and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. “See, about that…”

Lynn noticed Lisa’s change in attitude, and her joy slowly gave way to fear. “Wh-what about that? Lisa, is there something about that pill you’re not telling me?”

“Well, there is,” said Lisa. “I assure you, you’re perfectly safe. But—“

“But what? Is there some sort of side effect you didn’t find out about until today?” Lynn guessed, panic seeping into her voice. “Does it make my luck too good? Wait, don’t tell me it was just a prototype and you don’t have any more!”  She grabbed Lisa by the collar and lifted her off the ground, shaking her violently. “Dang it, Lisa! You gotta tell me! What’s wrong?!”

“L-L-Lynn! C-c-c-calm yourself!” Lisa sputtered. “N-n-nothing’s wrong! I-it was just a p-pl-placebo!”

Lynn stopped shaking Lisa as her panic gave way to confusion. “A… gazebo?”

“A placebo,” Lisa corrected, dazed from Lynn’s roughhousing. “I-if you’ll just put me down, I-I’ll explain everything.”

Lynn complied, dropping Lisa to the floor with a thud. Lisa sighed and took a moment to regain her composure.

“See, Lynn, the pill I gave you last night was nothing but a mere sugar pill, better known as a placebo,” said Lisa. “It had no physical effect on your system.”

Lynn gawked at Lisa, unable to believe what she just heard. “Hold up, time out. You said it would boost my luck.”

Lisa scoffed and adjusted her glasses. “Come now, Lynn. Science has allowed me to accomplish many things, but I’m no miracle worker. Honestly, a drug that would allow you to bend the fabric of reality to your will? Such a concept is patently absurd.”

“B-but you wrote a prescription for me and everything.”

“I do not possess a medical license as of yet. Also, I’m four years old. I’m not legally authorized to write any sort of prescription, let alone for a medication that does not exist.”

Lynn let out an angry snort, her hands balling into fists. “So, what? You were just lying to me the whole time?!”

“Affirmative,” said Lisa with a somber nod. “My deepest apologies, Lynn, but it was necessary. That’s just how placebos work.”

Lynn’s rage gave way to confusion once again. “I thought you said the pill didn’t work.”

“No, I said that it had no physical effect on your system,” Lisa clarified. “That doesn’t mean it didn’t work.”

Lynn groaned and massaged her temples. “Would you please just start making sense?”

Lisa furrowed her brow and thought for a moment. “Lynn, think back to your streak of bad luck this past week. Think about all of your sports and your academics. Would you say that you put any effort into those activities?”

Lynn crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. “Well, duh. I always give it my all. But because of my bad luck, it didn’t matter.”

Lisa raised an eyebrow back at Lynn. “Are you sure about that? Be honest with yourself. Did you actually try, or were you resigned to the fact that failure was inevitable due to your bad luck?”

Lynn instinctively wanted to insist that she always put in the effort, but after taking a moment to think about it, she realized that Lisa was right. She didn’t feel like effort mattered during her rut. She did allow her luck to control her life.

“I see you’re starting to understand,” said Lisa. “Now, think back to today, after you took the placebo. How did you feel?”

“Scared that I was gonna sneeze my guts out or something.”

Lisa deadpanned. “After that.”

Lynn knitted her brow and stroked her chin. “Well, once things started going my way, I-I felt like I had a chance again. Like I could do anything.”

“And thus, you were more inclined to put in the effort?”

Lynn nodded. “Yeah. I-I guess I was.”

“And that, dear sibling, it the power of the placebo,” said Lisa. She walked over to Lynn and patted her arm. “Lynn, we all want to have strength in the face of adversity. And sometimes, we do have that strength. But in my research, I’ve found that if you believe an outcome to be inevitable, you’re less likely to try and change it. That pill didn’t break your ‘curse;’ you did that on your own because you believed that you could.”

Lynn looked off to the side, processing everything Lisa said. “So, you’re saying that… I make my own luck?”

“In a sense,” said Lisa. “That’s not to say it’s a guarantee. There will be days when the unexpected happens, whether for good or for ill. That’s just the nature of probability. But more often than not, resigning yourself to fate will not make things better.”

Lynn looked down at Lisa, and a soft smile slowly crossed her face.

“Huh. That… actually makes sense.”  She gave Lisa a hug. “I’m sorry I was such a butt. It wasn’t my luck that was the problem; it was my attitude.”

“All is forgiven, sibling,” said Lisa, returning the embrace. After a while, Lynn released her.

“Well, I’d better bounce,” said Lynn. “Fransisco asked me out to the new roller staking rink this weekend, and I might need to ask Mom and Dad for an advance on my allowance.”

“Are you certain they’ll agree to that?” Lisa inquired.

Lynn shrugged. “I think I’ll bring my lucky ping-pong ball with me, just in case.”

Lisa raised an eyebrow.

“Hey, you said I make my own luck. So if I say my ping-pong ball is lucky, that means it is lucky,” said Lynn with a cocky sneer. “Catch ya later, Lis’.”

With that, Lynn strode out the door with a skip in her step. Lisa smirked and shook her head.

“You may not be able to control reality, Lynn. But at least now, you know that you’re in control over how you approach it,” she mused.