A Tale of Two Tables/Script

[Lincoln is quietly eating dinner when Lana suddenly pokes him in the face with a wiener] LINCOLN: "Would you cut it out?"[as he resumes eating, Lola also pokes and smacks him with a wiener] "Come on, man! Stop!" [the twins continue hitting him with their wieners] "I said cut it out!" [It is revealed that Lincoln is having dinner at the kiddie table with his five younger sisters; he gets up to go to the fridge] LINCOLN: (to the viewers) "In most families, the 'kiddie table' is something you only see at holidays. But in a family as big as mine, it's part of everyday life." (pours a glass of milk) LANA: "Hey, Lincoln. You like seafood?" (sticks her tongue out showing mushed up pieces of food on it) "See? Food! Bleeeeegh!" LOLA: "Hey, Lucy!" (sticks two french fries between her teeth and acts like a vampire) "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" (squirts ketchup) [the ketchup splatters all over Lincoln's face and his sisters smear their fries on it to get some ketchup] LINCOLN: "For gosh sakes, you guys! Cut it out! (rubs ketchup off face and groans) "It's not right. My five older sisters get to sit at the grownup table with Mom and Dad, while I'm stuck here with my five younger sisters." [Lucy smacks a piece of broccoli of Lincoln's fork] LUCY: "How can you eat that broccoli when you know how much it suffered to get here?" LINCOLN: "Uh, Lucy...broccoli doesn't feel pain." LUCY: "Oh, no?" (shoves a piece of broccoli in Lincoln's face) "Listen to the broccoli screaming, Lincoln! LISTEN TO IT!" [Lincoln screams himself] LINCOLN: "CAN I JUST EAT MY DINNER IN PEACE?!" LANA: "Did you say peas?" (flings peas at Lincoln) [Lincoln blocks Lana's peas with his plate, causing them to bounce off and onto Lisa] LISA: "Oh, you wanna play? Let's play..." (brings out a tiny catapult and launches mashed potatoes only to hit Lincoln instead of Lana) "My calibration seems to have been off by about sixteen degrees." [Lana hits Lisa with her wiener] LANA: "Mine wasn't." [as his sisters have a food fight, Lincoln imagines himself at the grownup table, where everyone is dressed in fancy attire and the decor is exquisite] LINCOLN: "So, I said to the Prime Minister, "Two breads are better than one!" [everyone laughs at his joke] LUAN: "Your comedy is so mature. Just like you." [everyone raises their glasses to propose a toast to Lincoln] LORI: "To Lincoln! He puts the 'grownup' in 'grownup table'!" EVERYBODY: "To Lincoln!" [Lincoln blows kisses to them all only for the food fight to come and ruin his fantasy] LINCOLN: "That's it! I don't belong here! I'm gonna go ask to join the grownup table!" LOLA: "Ha!" LANA: "Good luck." LUCY: "You really think they're gonna let you?" LILY, LISA, LOLA, and LANA: "Oooooooh!" [Lincoln suddenly imagines everyone at the grownup table laughing at his request to join them which causes his younger sisters to laugh as well] LINCOLN: "You'll see. I'm gonna make it to the grownup table and leave all you children behind." (gets hit by mashed potatoes again)

[cut to Lincoln's room where he has called Clyde over to help him] CLYDE: "Well, Lincoln, you've come to the right place. As an only child, I've been at the grownup table my whole life." LINCOLN: "So, you think you can help me?" CLYDE: "Did Napoleon have a Napoleon complex?" (Lincoln responds with a dumbfounded look on his face) "That's a grownup table joke. You don't get it now, but you will soon. Now, don't worry. I have a sure-fire program that'll get your family to stop seeing you as a kid." (lays right on top of Bun-Bun) LINCOLN: And start seeing me as a grownup! (notices Clyde's position) "Careful! You're giving Bun-Bun an ouchie!" (grabs Bun-Bun and protectively holds him; Clyde stares at the camera in confusion)

Training By Clyde: Phase One: Act Like A Grownup [Lori, Luna, Luan, and Lynn are still in their pajamas and groggy, trying to enjoy their coffee; enter Lincoln] LINCOLN: "Good morning, everybody! Ah, nothing like that first cup of morning joe." (smells it) "Ah, mountain grown." (takes a sip but then spits it out disliking the taste) [The coffee was spat all over his sisters who aren't too happy about that, making him nervous; Clyde gives a thumbs-up]

[Lori and Leni are on the couch; Lori is texting on her phone and Leni is filing her nails; enter Lincoln reading a newspaper] LINCOLN: "Hey, guys. There's a really interesting article in here about how kids are maturing faster these days. They say 11 is the new 15." [Lori and Leni take a quick glance at Lincoln and go back to what they were doing; Lincoln then turns on the TV to a White House press conference] LINCOLN: "Ooh, the House is debating the new highways bill. This should be fascinating." LORI: [a little worried about her brother] "Are you feeling okay?" LINCOLN "Me? Never felt better. Though the back's a little stiff. Getting older ain't easy. Am I right, ladies?" [Lori and Leni look at each other, shrug, and return to their tasks; Lincoln turns to Clyde who approves of his actions]

[Lola and Lana are fighting over a jump rope] LOLA: "I was using it first!" LANA: "Nuh-uh! I was!" LOLA: "Give it to me!" LANA: "You clearly took it away from me!" DAD: [from downstairs] "Lola! Lana! What's going on?" LINCOLN "Don't worry, dad. I got this. Now, children, if you can't share the jump rope, then neither of you gets to use it." {pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts the jump rope in two) "Heh, kids. They just don't get it, huh, Dad?" [Dad scratches his head in confusion and walks away; the twins beat Lincoln up for ruining their jump rope]

[Lincoln is getting ready to shave] LINCOLN: "Ah, nothing like a nice, smooth face to start the day." [Luan walks by and has no idea what he's talking about] LINCOLN: "Yup!" (prepares to shave; cut to him having cut himself a lot in his attempt and placed shreds of toilet paper on the cuts) "Maybe I shouldn't have used the razor Mom shaves her legs with." CLYDE: "Never mind that. Our plan is working. You're showing your family that you belong at the grownup table. Now comes phase two: how to act once you get there."

Training By Clyde: Phase Two: Advanced Table Manners [Clyde has set up cardboard dummies of Lincoln's older sisters and parents to practice with] CLYDE: "This is the grownup table simulator. Now, show me your salad fork." [Lincoln grabs a fork as a wild guess] LINCOLN: "This one?" [Clyde blasts an air horn] CLYDE: "Wrong. That's your dinner fork. Now, have some bread." (Lincoln accidentally grabs the piece of bread on the Lori dummy's plate) "Wrong! You just ate Lori's bread! (flirting with the Lori dummy) Don't worry, beautiful. I'll share my buns with you." [Lincoln blows the hort at him] LINCOLN: "Clyde!" CLYDE: "Sorry. Where were we?" [training resumes] LINCOLN: ( to the Lynn dummy) "So, Lynn...how about those Republicans?" [Clyde blows the horn] CLYDE: "Wrong! Never talk politics! Again." LINCOLN: "Um...we can really use some rain?" [a bell chimes; now they're using flash cards] LINCOLN: "Soup spoon. Salad fork. Butter knife. Dessert plate. A...candid picture of Lori?" CLYDE: (realizing) "Oh! How'd that get in there?"

[Lincoln is preparing himself with Clyde dressed as a boxing trainer] CLYDE: "You're making great strides, Lincoln. You feel it? Keep it up! You got heart, kid!" LINCOLN: "Yeah, yeah! I'm all grown up!" CLYDE: "Not yet. You have one last step."

Training By Clyde: Phase Three: Look Like a Grownup [after some suiting up and grooming, Clyde has Lincoln ready] CLYDE "I think my work here is done. Ready for the grownup table, big guy?" LINCOLN: "Did Napoleon have a Napoleon complex?" (they laugh) "I still don't get it." CLYDE: "Me neither."

[Dinnertime, Lincoln approaches the grownup table] LINCOLN: "Good evening. I have something I'd like to say! (gets everyone's attention; reading a speech) "There comes a time in every kid's life when he's ready to put away childish things and make that big leap into the adult world." LORI: [impatient and not caring] "Get to the point, Lincoln." LINCOLN: "Okay." [takes a deep breath] "I don't think I should sit at the kiddie table anymore. I want to sit at the grownup table with you." [grins] [everyone stares at him] DAD: "Well...I think he's ready." MOM: "So do I." LINCOLN: "Yes! WOO HOO!" [tears up part of his suit from cheering] DAD: "Is that my suit?!"

[Lincoln is now sitting at the grownup table and handed tonight's dish] LINCOLN: [slightly disgusted] "Liver? I thought we were having chicken nuggets." MOM: "That's just for the younger kids, sweetie. At the grownup table, we eat grownup food." Lincoln: "And thank goodness for that!" [hands the liver over to Luna and picks up a fork] "Liver fork!" [everyone stares at him and he just starts eating; eventually, the conversation gets a little boring for him] MOM: "So, Lynn, how did you do on your math test today?" LYNN: "Good, mom. I think I really nailed those integers." DAD: "So, Lori, I heard Bobby's dad had a hernia operation. How'd that go?" LORI: "Um...okay, I guess." LINCOLN: [trying to beat the boredom] "Hey! I heard a funny joke today." LUAN: "We don't tell jokes at the grownup table." LUNA: "Or sing, brah." [Lincoln now feels even more bored after what he was just told and hears his younger sisters over by the kiddie table having fun] LISA, LOLA, LANA, and LUCY: "Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you-" [Lana then makes fart noises with her armpit and they all have a good laugh; Lincoln slightly chuckles at their antics] DAD: "Something funny, Lincoln?" LINCOLN: "Not at this table." [later] DAD: "So, it turns out we didn't need the service call in the first place. The darn copier was just unplugged. MOM: [laughs] "How about that?" [Later, Lincoln's younger sisters are all having sundaes for dessert, giving Lincoln hope that there is one thing to look forward to at the grownup table] MOM: "Okay...you're all excused." LINCOLN: [calmly] "Uh, Mother...I believe you forgot something. Dessert?" MOM: "Oh, that's just for the younger kids." LINCOLN: [exasperated] "Ugh. Seriously?!" (his older sisters stare at him) "I mean, uh, seriously, who needs the extra calories?" DAD: "That's right, son. Say, how does it feel sitting at the ol' grownup table, huh?" LINCOLN: [disappointed] "It's everything I dreamed it would be." [later at bedtime; Lincoln calls Clyde on his walkie talkie] LINCOLN: "Clyde! The grownup table is a nightmare! I didn't realize how good I had it at the kiddie table! I gotta get back." CLYDE: "Negative, Lincoln. You can't ask to leave now. Next time you ask your family for something, they won't take you seriously. Is that what you want?" LINCOLN: "No, but-" CLYDE: "Now I gotta run. My parents and I are doing our taxes!" [leaves] LINCOLN: "I gotta do something."

[It appears to be dinnertime the next night] LINCOLN: "Look, you guys. I thought about it, and I really don't belong here. I think I should go back to the kiddie table." LUNA: [in a trance] "You can't go back. You can never go back, bro!" [the room suddenly gets darker, and Lincoln is shackled to his chair] LENI: "You're one of us now...a grownup..." (reveals tonight's dish which appears to be Clyde's head) CLYDE: "Better start working on those taxes, Lincoln!" [Lincoln reviles in horror, breaks free, and runs for the kiddie table only to be stopped by his parents] DAD: "Where do you think you're going?!" [pan up to reveal that his parents' heads are now cooked turkeys, scaring Lincoln] LINCOLN: [panicking] "PLEASE! I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE KIDDIE TABLE! I'M NOT A GROWNUP YET! I'M STILL A KID!" [suddenly, he is chained and bound to the grownup table, doomed to be a grownup like his older sisters] LYNN, LUAN, LUNA, LENI, and LORI: [chanting] "One of us. One of us. One of us." LINCOLN: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" [He falls into a void of despair as his sisters continue chanting his fate]

[Lincoln wakes up in his room, revealing it all to have been a nightmare] LINCOLN: [gasps] "It's all my fault. I worked so hard to prove I'm a grownup." [looks at Bun-Bun and then gets an idea] "Hmm...maybe it's time to act my age."

[the next night at dinner] LINCOLN: "Lincoln Loud in the house! Where my grownups at?" [plays with his wares] "Are you ready to chow?" [his sisters stare at his behavior confused] LINCOLN: [puts pieces of asparagus between his teeth] "I vant to suck your blood!" MOM: "Lincoln! Please don't do that!" [Lincoln wipes the asparagus from his mouth and takes Luna's piece of bread] LUNA: "Yo! That's mine!" LINCOLN "Was it? Hey, Leni. You like seafood? See? Food! BLEEEEEGH!" [sticks his tongue out with mushed up bread on it] LENI: [disgusted] "Lincoln! Gross!" LINCOLN: [talking with his mouth full as pieces of food gush out] "Hey! How about those republicans?" LYNN: "Ugh! Lincoln! Say it, don't spray it!" LINCOLN: "I didn't hear the magic word...PEAS!" [flings peas at Lynn] LYNN: [starting to give in] "Oh, it is on!" [holds back] "I mean...grow up, Lincoln." LINCOLN: "Good grub, Dad. It reminds me of a song. Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you-" [farts on cue] "Everybody now!" [keeps farting] DAD: [fed up with his son's immature behavior] "Lincoln Loud, that is enough!" MOM: "I thought you were ready for the grownup table, but clearly, you are not." LINCOLN: "You're a tough lady, mom, but fair. Laters! [leaves]

LINCOLN: [back at the kiddie table] "Hey, guys! I'm back!" [hit by mashed potatoes] "Ah, it's good to be home. [sits down] "What did I miss? Let's...ketchup!" [squirts ketchup at his younger sisters] [they all begin a food fight to celebrate Lincoln's return and Lynn pops in on them] LYNN "Hey...can I join you guys?" LINCOLN: "Sure. The more, the merrier." LYNN: [sitting down] "Phew. I never knew it was possible to make it out of the grownup table." LORI: "Psst! Can we join, too?" [even Lincoln's older sisters are happy to be at the kiddie table and sit down together] LUAN: "Wow! Chicken nuggets! I haven't seen these in years!" [gets hit by mashed potatoes] [All the Loud kids engage in a big celebratory food fight, altogether at the kiddie table] LINCOLN: [to the viewers] "There really is no rush to get to the grownup table. It's gonna happen eventually. So in the meantime, might as well enjoy being a kid." DAD: "Finally, a little peace and quiet." MOM: "Did you say peas?" [flings peas at her husband] [they all laugh with tonight being the best dinner of all]