Insta-gran/Script

The following is a transcript for the episode "Insta-gran".

[A car pulls up into the Loud House]

Loud kids: They're here!

[They run to the door and Lincoln falls down]

Lincoln: It's a big night at the Loud House. Pop-Pop's coming to dinner and he's bringing a very special guest!

[Doorbell rings]

Pop-Pop: Hey, family, I'd like you all to meet my main squeeze, Myrtle.

Mom: Nice to meet you, Myrtle! Let me introduce everyone.

Myrtle: Oh, no need. Let's see if I have this right: Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, Lola, Lisa and Lily.

Lily [laughs]

Dad: Wow, in birth order! That's impressive.

Myrtle: Well, what's impressive is raising such delightful children. Albert, can you take my coat?

[The family gives a thumbs up, Pop-Pop winks]

Myrtle: Lynn, your food is just heavenly!

Dad: Oh, you're sweet to say that.

Myrtle: Not as sweet as this corn! [winks]

Luan: [laughs] I can't have any, because I have braces.

Myrtle: Well the world better brace themselves for your pretty smile.

Luan: [laughs]

Myrtle: Oh, Lynn Jr., are those your trophies? Pop-Pop said you were named MVP on six different teams!

Lynn: Well, technically seven but they don't recognize air hockey yet.

Lisa: Has my paternal forebearer familiarized you with my achievements?

Myrtle: Oh, you bet. He told me all about your fecal research. Impressive stuff.

Lisa: Would you like to see some slides?

Mom: Maybe after dinner, sweetie.

Lincoln: So this is Ace Savvy, and here's his partner, One-Eyed Jack.

Myrtle: Card puns? How clever!

Pop-Pop: Sorry to break up the fun, but Myrtle and I should get going.

Loud Kids: Aww!

Myrtle: I'm sorry I didn't get to sample your mud pies, Lana.

Lana: It's OK, made you one for the road. Don't forget to heat before serving.

Myrtle: Thank you for everything. Oh, it was so wonderful meeting you all.

[Kids say goodbye]

Myrtle: [laughs] I might just take you up on that.

Pop-Pop: Isn't she great? Good thing I stole her away from Seymour. That hound dog had his eye on her.

Myrtle: Yeah, his left one. Buh-bye!

[Parents laugh]

[Siblings talk about how they loved Myrtle]

Lisa: Myrtle, wait! My fecal slides!

Siblings: AAAH!

Myrtle: Oh, hi fam! I found your hide-a-key!

Luna: Uh, wasn't it under the thorn bushes?

Myrtle: Also, I found your bandages. I just couldn't wait to get back over here and spend some time with my 11 new grandkids. Speaking of which, surprise! I made these with my glue gun.

Lisa: [reading sweater] "Life is sweeter with a Gran-Gran"? Was your room well-ventilated when you worked with this glue?

Myrtle: I was thinking that maybe you kids could call me Gran-Gran! Why don't you try 'em on? Aw, you look so cute! Now come on, I have even more surprises!

Lucy: [hiss] What have you done with my cobwebs?

Myrtle: Oh, sweetie. I tore them all down because they had spiders in them!

Lucy: Yes, Elijah, Amaria, and Little Jojo. May the rest in peace.

Lynn: Uh, where are my lucky jerseys? They should be in a big messy pile right here.

Myrtle: I took 'em to the dry cleaners. They got every last stain out.

Lynn: Oh, so everything that made them lucky.

Myrtle: Well, who needs luck when you have talent like yours?

Lisa: In conclusion, I have identified the necessary isotope for the-

Myrtle: Oh, you're talking to your little science friends? Hi, I'm Lisa's Gran-Gran.

Lisa: Yes. We're in the middle of something important right now, perhaps you could excuse us?

Myrtle: Oh, you know what, you just do your thing like I'm not even here, and I'll just be tidying up!

Lisa: I prefer you don't!

Myrtle: Ooh, these beakers are full of gunk!

Lisa: NO, WAIT! [explodes, crowd gasps]

Lincoln: I usually have a barber do this.

Myrtle: Well, why pay a stranger when you've got a Gran-Gran? Ah, there. You look so handsome!

Luan: That haircut really bowls me over.

Myrtle: Spit shine! Ah, there. No mud, no make-up, just sparkling faces that I could eat right now with some steak sauce. Om-nom-nom-nom.

Lori: Um, what happened to our episodes of "Nail Polish Wars"?

[Lori and Leni scream]

Myrtle: Oh, I deleted those. Yeah, see, the language is just so negative.

[Lori and Leni facepalm]

Myrtle: Adios, grandbabies! See you real soon!

Lucy: That woman is a nightmare.

Lynn: No way I'm calling her Gran-Gran.

Lola: It gets worse! Look, she left her day planner.

Lynn: She's coming to all my games for the rest of the season?

Lisa: My conference in Sweden? How did she get clearance?

Lori: She's coming on my next date with Bobby?

Lincoln: We have to do something. We can't live like this!

Luna: You especially cant, brah.

Lola: Well, there is one thing we could do: Break them up.

[Siblings complaining]

Leni: Lola, that's terrible!

Luan: Is it though? I mean, Pop-Pop is such an awesome guy! Should he really settle for someone like Myrtle?

Lisa: She has a point.

Lori: Well, even if we wanted to do that, how would we?

Lincoln: I might have an idea. Remember when Pop-Pop said that Seymour had his eye on Myrtle?

Lana: Yeah, the left one.

Lincoln: Maybe that's our answer!

Luan: I made this whole pitcher of lemonade for my grandpa, but he's got acid reflux. What ever shall I do with it?

Seymour: Ooh! I'll take a glass!

Luan: Here you are, Mr. Seymour, sir!

Seymour: Ooh, tart! [makes a face]

[Lana takes a photo, winks]

Lori: Oh, my soup's literally too hot! How am I ever going to eat it?

Myrtle: Oh, let me help, dear. [blows on soup]

[Lucy takes a photo]

Lincoln: And now to make a love connection. Bingo.

Leni: Um, Lincoln, Bingo's not 'till four.

Luna: Rad job, dude. That's gonna make Pop-Pop way jealous!

Lola: I bet he breaks it off with her tonight.

Lincoln: [prints the photo] OK, Lynn, you're up.

Lana: Man, what's taking Lynn so long?

Lynn: Hi! [siblings scream] Mission accomplished.

Lori: OK, Let's get out of here before anyone sees us.

Myrtle: Too late! I see you!

Siblings! AAH!

Myrtle: Oh, you angels came for my birthday party, didn't you?

[Siblings pretend that's why they came]

Myrtle: Well, here we are, Party Central! As soon as your Pop-Pop gets here, we can get this shindig started.

Lincoln: Shouldn't we wait for the other guests, too?

Myrtle: Oh, no other guests.

Luan: What about your family?

Myrtle: Well, I don't really have any. I was an only child and somehow, I never got around to getting hitched. I was just too busy traveling and living my life. And to be honest, I never really missed having a family, until I met Pop-Pop and you guys, and, well, I know you're not my real family, but gosh darn, you all sure feel like it.

Lori: Um, Myrtle, can you excuse us for a second? We, um, all have to go to the bathroom.

Myrtle: You take after your Pop-Pop.

Lola: OK, What gives, Lori! I don't have to tinkle!

Lori: Don't you guys get it? This is why Myrtle's been smothering us so much. She never had a family of her own. She's probably just trying to make up for lost time! Yes, she can come on a little strong, but her heart's in the right place.

Lucy: I feel terrible.

Lana: Me too.

Luan: We should go apologize.

Lincoln: Uh, guys, we have a bigger problem. We put that photo under Pop-Pop's door.

Siblings: Aah!

Lori: OK, new plan. Twins, you distract Myrtle. Lynn and Lincoln, you get the photo back. The rest of us will find Pop-Pop and keep him away from his room. Break!

Lynn: Let's move out, Lincoln!

Lincoln: Hey, when did you change into your ninja suit?

Lynn: What happened to your bowl cut?

Lincoln: Touché.

Lynn: Hai!

Lincoln: Woah! [falls] Ooh.

Lynn: Locked. Not a problem. I got this. Ha! Thanks, lady.

Lincoln: Oh no, he's already seen it!

Seymour: Help! Someone call this maniac off!

[Lincoln and Lynn gasp]

Pop-Pop: I knew you had your eye on my girl!

Seymour: That's not true. The left one's got a mind of it's own.

Pop-Pop: Pictures don't lie, Seymour! And now I'm gonna take it to ya!

Seymour: You're a crazy man!

Pop-Pop: Ya!

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, stop!

Pop-Pop: Stay out of this kids! Mr. Kissy Face has it coming. Rah!

Seymour: Dang it.

Lincoln and Lynn: Pop-Pop!

Lincoln: Let him go!

Lynn: Let him go!

Lori: What is going on?

Lori, Luna, Lana and Lola: Pop-Pop!

Seymour: Call Sue! Call anybody!

Scoots: Geezer fight! I got 50 bucks on Al.

Pop-Pop: Ha!

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, no! The photo's fake!

Pop-Pop: What?

Lana: It's true. We made it on our computer!

Pop-Pop: Why in the heck would you do something like that?

Lori: The truth is, we were trying to break you and Myrtle up.

Pop-Pop: Don't you like Myrtle?

Luna: I think we just didn't understand her!

Luan: She was smothering us like a pork chop. But we didn't realize it was because she never had a family!

Lana: We may take it for granted that we have a big family, but not everyone's so lucky!

Lincoln: We're really sorry for the way we acted. We hope you can forgive us.

Pop-Pop: Of course I can. I know Myrtle can be a bit much, but that's also what I love about her. She's a spitfire.

Scoots: Ugh, Bleh, this is gettin' too mushy for me. Scoots out!

Pop-Pop: Seymour, I think I owe you an apology too.

Seymour: Nah, don't worry about it, Al.

Lori: Don't we have a birthday party to get to?

Pop-Pop: You know it!

Seymour: Can I come too?

Pop-Pop: You're gonna have to, Seymour. I can't move my arms anymore!

All: [laughs]

Siblings: Happy birthday, Gran-Gran!

Myrtle: Did you hear that, Al, they called me Gran-Gran! Oh, thank you, everyone.

Lori: Thanks for the cake and the party, Gran-Gran, but we should probably get going.

Myrtle: Okay, then, I'll drop by tomorrow.

Pop-Pop: Uh...how about Sunday instead? I got us tickets to the RV show tomorrow.

Myrtle: Oh!

Siblings: Bye, Gran-Gran!

Scoots: Seymour, quit eyein' my cake! You already had your piece!

Seymour: I can't help it, the left one's got a mind of its own!