User blog comment:AndrewBrauer/Fanfiction - Whipped/@comment-4618045-20170521010715

Aside from the ending (which I feel enough people have already commented on) I think this story needs retooling in other aspects. The main problem I have with this story is that it comes across as illogical from both a character and story perspective, thus making it hard for me to follow. There are two major ways that this pops up that I feel should be addressed.

First is the reveal of the tape recorder in Lily's diaper. Unless I missed something, there is no explanation for why or how this tape recorder ended up in there and it comes across as a lazy way to make the sisters' plot known to Lincoln and the parents. It couldn't have been planted there by Leni or Luna because it captured the meeting which unveiled the plan (something that neither of these characters had prior knowledge about). I feel this could have been fixed by showing a scene at the beginning with Lily playing around with the tape recorder (and turning it on) before sticking it in her diaper. Doing that would establish the tape recorder early on and thus make its later reveal plausible.

And secondly (and this is the more fundamental issue) is characterization. The seven sisters that instigate this scheme are too malicious and ungrateful to be believeable. Even if it's your point for them to be in the wrong, there still has to be some explanation in your story's universe that would justify their behavior. Here, you're picking right up from events in the show. Granted you are still permitted to depart from this, but there has to be a believable transformation among each of these characters that would cause them to want to act this way to Lincoln. To me, "I want to still have fun even though vacation is over" is not enough to explain this ganging up. Yes Lincoln may be the most susceptible to such mob tyranny, but I think after this vacation they would all be grateful that Lincoln gave them a wonderful experience and would in fact all trying to be giving back to him. I think this story would have been more successful if it didn't immediately follow In Tents Debate. While I don't think it's perfect, I think a better setup for such a plot would be if Lincoln was trying to get a little too big for his britches. Maybe he started to boss others around, so the sisters instigated this in order to humble him. Perhaps another option would be to go beyond where this story ended and have the seven sisters try to contemplate what got them carried away in the first place.

Leni and Luna were captured relatively well, however I was confused by their side of the blackmail deal. I couldn't quite understand why convincing Lincoln about Aloha Beach or Dairyland was such a horrible offense to begin with. I guess it's because it perpetuated the conflict of In Tents Debate, but wasn't it the other sisters' reaction to those two options (having support split 5-5) what made the decision so difficult for Lincoln to begin with? If only one of those two options were presented or if they had a slight edge among the sisters in support, then there would have never been an issue.

Overall, this is a story with an interesting idea, but it hasn't been thought through all the way. The two main takeaways I want to give to you is to structure your story (so it doesn't seem like you're writing off the seat of your pants) and to really think about these characters (contemplate why they're acting the way they do or why certain things matter above all else). Do those things and I'm confident your stories will improve