User blog:MrTyeDye/Fanfiction: Peeking Through the Fourth Wall (Episode 23)

''[We open on the couch. This time, Lincoln is joined by Lori, Leni, Luan and Lynn.]''

Lincoln: Hey, everyone! Welcome back to Peeking Through the Fourth Wall. You may be wondering where Lisa is. Well, see, now that Grammy is handling all of the spelling and grammar checking, she didn't really see a reason to stick around.

Leni: So she's leaving the show?

Lincoln: Oh, no, she isn't leaving altogether. She just won't be here for every episode.

Speaking of which, I should mention that the author of this story is Austrian, and English isn't his native tongue, so the grammar's bound to be kind of wonky. Is that all right, Grammy?

'''[Not a problem. It's what I was built for.]'''

Lincoln: Great. Anyway, today we'll be looking at "The Sleeping Boy" by Austria-Man!

(It's a nice, sunny saturday in Royal Woods. The Loud Sisters are in the dinner's room, where they eat their breakfast. Suddenly they notice that one chair is still empty)

''Lori: Hey! Someone is missing. Let's count to see who it is. One!''

Lori: ...or we could just take a look around. It's not that hard to keep track of eleven people.

Leni: Two!

Luna: Three!

Luan: Four!

Lynn: Five!

Lucy: Six!

''Lori: Six? That can't be. Lucy; you should be Number Seven. That means... where's Lincoln?''

(The girls are going upstairs to Lincoln's room. They open the door and see that Lincoln is still lying in his bed)

Lori: …

(Suddenly Leni holds her arm)

Leni (whispering): Wait a second, Lori.

(She pulls her handy (???) out from her pocket and takes a photo of the sleeping boy. Then she looks at the photo)

Lori: Wait, she pulls out her what?

Lincoln: I think the author just forgot a word. It looks like he was trying to say that she pulled out her handy… something. Like her handy phone, or her handy camera.

Luan: Or her handyman!

''[Luan pulls a Lego figurine with a hard hat and overalls out of her purse. Everyone stares at her for a moment or two.]''

Lincoln: Did you keep that in your purse just so you could make that joke?

Leni: He's so cute…

Lincoln: I'm not that cute…

Leni: Oh, yes, you are. We're not going over this again. You're an adorable little munchkin and that's that.

Lori: Leni, we all love to watch our brother sleep.

Lynn: ...pardon?

Lori: For the record, no, we don't. We're not creeps.

Lincoln: Well, hey, now. Lucy watches me sleep sometimes. Are you calling her a creep?

[Beat]

Lori: I mean, if the shoe fits...

Lori: But it's time to wake up now!

(She shakes Lincoln on his shoulders)

''Lori: Hey, twerp! Wake up! I know, it's the weekend, but that's no excuse for sleeping so long!''

Lincoln: It absolutely is. Nobody gets up early on a Saturday!

Lynn: I get up at six every Saturday for my thirty-minute morning jog.

Lincoln: Then let me clarify; nobody who isn't a maniac gets up early on a Saturday.

(Lincoln yawns and stands up, but his eyes are still closed)

Lincoln:Morning, girls…

Lori: Lincoln; we've plans for this day, so use the bathroom and eat your breakfast.

Lincoln: Okay…

(He walks out from his room to the bathroom. There, he closes the door behind him. The girls go upstairs and sit down at the dinner's table. After a while Lincoln still isn't coming)

Lori: Where is he?

Lynn: Good question. Lincoln isn't usually a bathroom hog.

Lincoln: Yeah, I leave that to the rest of you.

Lori, Leni, Luan and Lynn: Hey!

Lola: I know that beauty care is important, but not even I need so much time in the bathroom.

Lori: Let's see what he's doing.

Lori: Okay, watching him sleep was weird enough, but I draw the line at peeking on him in the bathroom.

Leni: Lisa does it.

Lori: Lisa's Lisa.

(The girls go to the bathroom. They open the door and don't trust their eyes. Lincoln knees in front of the washbasin with crossed arms. He sleeps again)

Luan: Did… did he just fall asleep while brushing his teeth? What is he, a narcoleptic?

Leni: No way! Lincoln doesn't do drugs!

[Beat]

Luan: Bless your heart, Leni.

Sisters: LINCOLN!!!

''Lincoln (wakes up): Huh? What's going on?''

''Lori: Nothing is going on here! Especially you!''

(Lincoln says nothing, because he sleeps again)

Lynn: Did you just fall asleep while Lori was in the middle of yelling at you? Gotta say, that takes some serious cojones.

Luan: Yeah, I couldn't even dream of pulling that off! [Laughs] Get it?

Lori: (sighs) I think he needs help with putting on his clothes.

Lincoln: What?! No, I don't! I'm an able-bodied eleven-year-old!

Lori: An able-bodied eleven-year-old who can't stay awake for more than a few seconds.

Lincoln: Touché.

Lori: But who…

(She see that her sisters are holding their fingers to their noses)

Lori: Hey!

''Lynn: What's the matter? You've helped Lincoln often with this, when he was a little kid.''

''Lori: Yes. At that time it was adorable, but now it's just disgusting.''

Lincoln: "Disgusting"? Bit of a strong word, wouldn't you say? I mean, I don't look that bad.

(She takes Lincoln on his hand and goes with him into his room. After a while both are coming out and Lincoln is full dressed. They bring him to the dinner's table. They hand him a plate, a cup and a glass)

Lori: So, Lincoln; here you have bread with butter and honey…

Lynn: Honey? Butter's pretty normal, but honey?

Luan: Yes, darling? [Laughs]

Lori: Well, this guy is from Austria. Maybe it's more common over there.

Luna: ...a cup with hot cocoa…

Lynn: ...and some fresh pressed orange juice.

Lynn: Orange juice? What, you mean fat juice? That stuff's loaded with sugar and carbs!

Lincoln: Says the girl who washes down every other meal with energy drinks.

Lincoln (very tired): Thanks, girls…

(He begins to eat. The girls begin to talk about this day. Suddenly they hear a noise. They look to the table and see that Lincoln is asleep with crossed arms at the table)

''Lori: That's enough. Lincoln, wake up!''

Lori: Okay, this isn't normal. At this point I think we'd be best off taking him to a doctor.

(He doesn't react)

Lori: How can a boy be so lazy?!

Lori: Because he is a boy. Boys are naturally lazy.

Leni: That's very sexist of you, Lori. You should check your pretty ledge.

Luan: Her what?

Leni: Her pretty ledge! Like, when someone says something sexist or racist, you tell them to check their pretty ledge! Haven't you ever heard the phrase?

[Beat]

Luan: ...moving on.

''Lynn: Yes; how can he be so tired? He does absolutely nothing!''

Lincoln: Hey, that's not true! I do stuff!

Lynn: Like what? Besides playing video games, I mean.

Lincoln: What about drawing comics? And baking! How do you think I learned how to make those strawberry muffins you girls like so much?

Lynn: ...oh, dang. I guess you're right.

(She puts her appointment book out from her pocket)

''Lynn: Look here. These are my terms for the last and following weeks. I should be more tired than he.''

''Lori: Exactly. He has no reason for being such a sleepyhead.''

(She shakes Lincoln)

''Lori: Lincoln; wake up! You've gotten your breakfast, so you should also do something for that.''

Lori: Do something for what?

[Heck if I know.]

(She holds him by his shoulders, but he's still sleeping)

Lucy: You can even wash the dishes for once.

(Lincoln open his left eye to the half)

''Lincoln: Really? Thanks, Lucy…''

Lincoln: Thanks for what? For letting me do the dishes? How is that something to be thankful for?

(He takes his dishes and walks into kitchen. The girls talk together)

Lori: So, what can we do today?

Lincoln: Wha… I thought you all had big plans! You're telling me that you don't even know what you dragged me out of bed for?!

Leni: Maybe we just forgot. It's like when you walk into a room but you totally forget what you went in there to do. Or when you spend a whole day with your shoes on the wrong feet and don't even notice!

Luan: I think that last one is just you, Leni.

''Leni: What's with the mall? That's a place we all like.''

Other sisters: YEAH!

''Lori: Okay, but don't forget the movie tonight. We've waited so long and finally it will be played on TV…''

Lincoln: So you got me up early in the morning for plans that won't be set in motion until the night. I gotta be honest, if I knew all that, I would've gone right back to bed.

Lynn: Can't say I'd blame you.

(The other sisters nod. Suddenly they hear the water running in the kitchen)

''Lori: Why hasn't Lincoln turned off the faucet? He's said personally that we must save energy.''

Lori: ...after which he went down to the basement for a video game marathon.

Lincoln: Can we not talk about that?

Lori: Hey, the story brought it up, not me.

Luan: Also, leaving the faucet running uses up water, not energy.

Luna: Let us see!

(The girls go into the kitchen and think, they don't see right.) [Correction loading...]

Lincoln: Hmm? What's going on with Grammy?

'''[Sometimes it takes me a minute. Hold your horses.]'''

[Processing… processing…]

[Ah!]

(The girls go into the kitchen and can't believe their eyes.)

Everyone: Ohhhhhh.

[No need to thank me.]

(Lincoln sleeps with his face in the sink. Lori goes to him and pulls him out from that)

''Lori: That can't go on. We must do something.''

Lori: Like take him to a doctor?

''Lynn: I've an idea! We should play sports!''

Leni: That's your answer to everything.

Lynn: Well, why shouldn't it be? There's never a bad time to play sports.

Lincoln: What about while you're taking a test?

Lynn: Five push-ups for every wrong answer!

Lori: During a romantic date?

Lynn: What date's complete without a sparring match at the end?

Luan: How about during a funeral?

Lynn: Casket surfing!

[Everyone stares at Lynn, bewildered.]

Lynn: ...too far?

Leni: Sports?

''Lynn: Of course! That's the best way for waking up. I mean, look at me. I play sports every day and I'm fit and rested all days.''

Lori: That's a good idea, but what kind of sport should we play?

(Lynn holds her hand on her chin and thinks about this. Then she snaps with her forefinger and her thumb)

''Lynn: I know! What do you think about jogging? That's good for heart and blood circulation.''

Lori: That's fine on paper, but how are we going to get Lincoln to jog with us if he keeps falling asleep? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Leni: Are you calling Lincoln a horse?

Luan: Of course not! Don't you remember? I'm a horse. Lincoln's a mouse! [Laughs]

Lincoln: [Facepalms] Can we not bring that up?

Lynn: Actually, I wouldn't mind being a rhino again...

''Lori: Than it's decided. We will go jogging. But what's with…''

(Now she see that the other girls hold their fingers to their noses)

Lori: You can't be serious!

(She growls and takes Lincoln by his shoulder. She takes him to his room and closes the door. Some minutes later they come out again and Lincoln wears his sports clothes. Lori goes into her room and change her clothes too. Then they come downstairs, where the other girls already in their sports clothes wait)

Lori: Okay; let's go!

(The Loud siblings drive with Vanzilla to the Ketcham Park, where they go out. All of them stay in one row and Lori stands in front of them)

Lori: Wait, what was the point of playing "not it" if we were all going to go with him anyway?

Lincoln: Also, why did we need to go to the park? What's wrong with just jogging around the block?

''Lori: We will go jogging. Follow me!''

(They run along the way. After a while Lori wants to know how good they can run)

''Lori: Let's count. One!''

Lincoln: And how would counting measure how well we're running? This plan just doesn't make any sense.

Luan: At least we're not breaking into a karate dojo this time.

Leni: Two!

Luna: Three!

Luan: Four!

Lynn: Five!

Lucy: Six!

''Lori: Six? Again?!''

(The girls stop running and look around, but they can't see their brother. So they run the way back and finally they see him. He's lying on the ground and sleeping with crossed arms)

Lincoln: How is that possible?! We were running in single file! If I fell asleep, I would've held up the line!

Lori: That can't be true…

Lincoln: My point exactly!

(She looks to her sister Leni)

''Lori: Leni? Could you help Lincoln come to Vanzilla?''

Leni: Of course!

(The girls are going back to Vanzilla. Lori looks behind her)

Lori: Uhm, Leni; I'm not sure if that's the right way to carry your brother…

(Leni holds Lincoln's feet and drags him behind her. But not even this wakes him up)

Lynn: Okay, yeah. Definitely not. He's a person, not a rag doll.

Lincoln: Yeah, I mean-

Lynn: Now, he may be built like a rag doll, but that doesn't mean he is one.

Lincoln: Oh, eat me, Lynn!

Leni: Oh; why do you think so?

Lori: I can think of more than a few reasons, the first being that you're strong enough to carry him properly.

Leni: What, you mean like this?

[Leni stands up and lifts Lincoln into a cradle.]

Lori: Well, that's better, but I think-

[When we cut back to Leni, she's giving Lincoln a piggyback ride.]

Leni: Or this?

''[We see a series of jump cuts that show Leni carrying Lincoln in different ways. First over her shoulder, then in a fireman's carry, then holding him like a gun, then gorilla pressing him, then having him straddle her neck, then holding him up over her head Lion King-style.]''

Leni: Or this? Or this? Or this? Or this? Or this? Or-

Lori: That's enough, Leni. Put him down.

Leni: Okay.

[Leni sets a dizzy-looking Lincoln back down on the couch.]

(Lori groans, but don't say something)

Leni: Maybe sports aren't the answer…

''Lynn: Don't say that! Of course it's the answer! But maybe it wasn't the real sport…''

(She thinks about this and snaps again)

''Lynn: That's it! I know the perfect sport for such a sunny day!''

''Lola: Really? What kind of sport could that be?''

(Lynn grins. In the next scene the siblings are standing in front of the Royal Woods' Middle School)

Lori: At this rate we're going to have spent more time trying to get him up than doing… whatever it is we were planning to do.

''Your school? What are we doing here, Lynn?''

Lynn: We will use the school pool and will go swim.

Luan: [As Lynn] "We're just gonna throw him in, hope for the best, and if he drowns, he drowns."

(She puts a key out from her pocket)

Lynn: My coach has given me this key, because I'm such a good sport's girl.

Lynn: Pfft. I wish. If I could get my coach's trust that easily, I'd have gotten his secret stash of Dulce de Leche Cheerios.

Lincoln: Wait, that's a thing?!

Lynn: It was a thing. It was discontinued years ago. Coach's got what just might be the last box in existence. What I wouldn't give to try just one...

[Beat]

Lori: Wait, wouldn't they be really stale by now?

Lynn: Don't care. Sell-by dates are for pansies.

(The other girls are excited)

Lynn (serious): But we can use it just for sporting reasons.

other sisters: Okay…

(Lola holds her fingers crossed behind her back)

(Lynn puts the key into the keyhole and opens the door. Now they can see the school pool)

Lori: But who…

(The girls hold again their forefingers on their noses)

''Lori: Come on; girls! Again?!''

(A short time later Lori and Lincoln' come out from the changing cubicle. Lori wears her blue bikini and Lincoln wears his orange trunks.)

Lori: Okay, no. I'm not getting naked in front of you.

Lincoln: Believe me, I wouldn't feel any less awkward than you would.

(She takes his hand and leads him to the other girls, who are all in their swimsuits already)

Lynn: COWABUNGA!!!

(She jumps into the pool)

''Leni (holds Lily with water wings under the shower): Lynn! You know that you must take a shower before jumping into the pool.''

Lynn: Since when?

Lori: What do you mean, "since when"? Are you telling me you don't shower before you go into the pool?

Lynn: No, why would I?

Leni: Um, maybe because nobody wants to swim in a pool that's all dirty and sweaty?!

Lynn: What do you think chlorine is for?

Lincoln: Yeah, I'm with Lynn. Don't really see the point in showering if you're just going to get wet anyway.

Lori: I literally can't even. You two are disgusting.

Luan: All in favor of never sharing a pool with Lynn or Lincoln again, say I.

Lori and Leni: I.

Lynn: [Rolls her eyes] Girls. Am I right, Linc?

Lynn: I know, but how can I resist when I see a springboard?

Lori: Lincoln; we are here because of you, so go into the pool.

(Lincoln sleeps by standing)

Luan: ...I'm not even mad. That's impressive.

Lincoln: Aren't there some animals that sleep standing up?

Lori: I… think so? I'm pretty sure horses do. And cows, maybe. Geez, now I wish Lisa was here…

Lori (takes his hand): Okay; when you wish that it will happen that way…

(Suddenly she stops)

Lori: Oh, wait a second…

(she takes Leni's rubber ring and puts it over Lincoln)

Lori: I will risk nothing.

(Now she takes his hand and throws him into the pool. It splashes and he carries in the pool.) [Correction loading…]

[Processing…]

[Processing…]

'''[ERROR: Well, I'm stumped. Sorry, guys. Here's a funny gif.]'''

''[The screen then shows a gif of a chimpanzee smelling its hand and fainting. Luan cracks up, while the other siblings just roll their eyes.]''

(But not even the water can wake him up. Lori shakes her head)

''Lori: Maybe we should give up. Nothing can wake up him. We should go home.''

(Lori wants to go into Vanzilla, but she hears a noise from her pocket. She pulls out her handy phone and looks at it)

''Lori: I've got a message from Dad. He says that he will go dancing with Mom tonight. He's made dinner for us.''

Leni: Oh; we've such a nice father!

Lincoln: Doesn't he usually make dinner for us, though? How is that noteworthy?

Luna: But what has he made for dinner?

(We cuts into dinner's room, where Lori hands the plates with food to her siblings.)

Lori: It's mashed potatoes with sauerkraut.

''Luan: Oh; I love sauerkraut. Sour makes funny! Ha, ha!''

Luan: Heck, I wouldn't mind being force-fed nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half years old.

Lincoln: Oh, for God's sake, Luan, nobody's going to get that reference.

Lisa: Then I think, you haven't eaten enough of them.

Luan: Excuse me; what does that mean?!

Luan: Actually, that's a good question. What did she mean by that?

Lori: Luan; calm down.

Luan: Fine.

Leni: Do you think, that meal could be a good face cream?

Leni: Eww, no! It doesn't even feel like cream!

Luan (laughs): Ha, ha; that's a good one; sister!

''Leni: What good one? I was talking about Lincoln.''

(The girls look all to Lincoln. He sleeps again and his face is lying in his food)

Lori: Okay…

(She takes Lincoln's hand und puts him down at the couch)

Lori: Now he's not in our way anymore so we can prepare ourselves for the movie.

Lincoln: I never was in your way. If you didn't want to watch the movie with me, why did you even bother trying to get me up? This story is just getting more and more confusing.

(the other girls agrees and they begin to pick up their dishes. A while later they are in the living room. On the table are a lot of bowls, bottles and beakers)

Lori: Wait, why beakers?

Leni: I don't know. Maybe to hold our drinks?

Luan: If you think I'm going to drink out of the same thing that Lisa mixes chemicals in, you're a few hydrogen atoms short of a water molecule.

[Everyone looks at Luan.]

Luan: What? I'm no Lisa, but I know some stuff about chemistry. At the very least, I know the basics. And the acidics! [Laughs]

''Lori: Okay; guys. Are we ready for the movie?''

other sisters: Yeah!

''Lori: Let's see... cookies?''

Leni (shows the bowl): Here!

Lori: Chips?

Luna (shows the bowl): Here!

Lori: Peanuts?

Lola (shows the bowl):Here!

Lori: Pretzel sticks?

Luan (shows the bowl): Here!

Lori: Gummy bears?

Lana (shows the bowl): Here!

Lori: Refreshing drinks?

Lynn (shows the bottles and the beaker): Here!

Lori: Alright; so we are ready.

Lola: No, there's one last thing we must do…

Lori: What do you mean?

(The other girls smile strangely)

Lori: No!

Luan: "Not the roller skating gecko procedure!"

''Luna: Come on, sis. You know, that must be done.''

''Lori: Please! Don't force me to doing that!''

Lynn: Lori, do you wanna enjoy the movie?

Lori: Of course, but this…

''Lisa: Just do it; big sister. It's just one finger move.''

Lynn: What's she gonna do, give Lincoln a wet willy?

Lori (with tears in her eyes): Okay…

(she pulls out her handy phone)

Lori: I hope, I will not regret this…

''Lola: Don't be so overdramatic. We did this too.''

''Lori: Yes, but you all have no one, who should call you. I hope, Bobby will not break up with me, because he can't call me…''

Lori: ...seriously? That's what I was crying over?

Luan: I wouldn't put it past you.

Lori: Oh, come on! I don't cry every time I have to turn my phone off for a movie! If I did, I'd never see any movies!

(Now the sisters sit down on the couch. Luan holds Lily on her lap. Lori turns on the TV. All sisters have circles around the eyes and look very tired.)

(The movie starts and we can see that all Loud kids on the couch are sleeping. But not Lincoln. He's wide awake. He looks surprised)

''Lincoln (to the viewer): I don't understand why my sisters are so tired. I thought they wanted to see that movie.''

(He shrugs and watches the movie alone. After the movie he yawns)

Lynn: I can't help but wonder what the movie was.

Luan: Maybe it was The Incredibly Strange -

Lincoln: No.

Lincoln (looks to the wall clock): Hmm; it's time for bed…

(He takes the sleeping Lori by her hand and brings her upstairs to her room. He takes her into the bed and covers her with her blanket)

Lincoln: Goodnight, Lori.

(He kisses her on her cheek and she smiles. Then he does the same with his other older sisters. Then he carries his smaller sisters into their beds. They all get kisses too and they smile after that. At last he holds a sleeping Lily)

Lincoln: You will get two kisses, because you're a baby.

(He kisses her on both cheeks. Lily giggles. He takes her into her crib and covers her. Then he gives her blankie to her.)

[Okay, just for kicks, do you want to see what that sentence originally said?]

Lincoln: Um… sure?

(He kisses her on both cheeks. Lily giggles. He takes her into her crip and covers her. Then he gives her blankie to her.)

Lori: And now I'm picturing Lincoln handing Lily to a gang member.

Lincoln: So, now it's my turn…

(He goes into his room and closes the door. Suddenly he opens the door again and looks to the viewer)

Lincoln (waves): Goodnight, pals!

(He closes the door)

Luan: And the moral of the story is… never try to wake Lincoln up early on a Saturday?

Lincoln: Now that's a moral I can get behind.

Lori: [Looks at her watch] Speaking of which… bedtime, guys.

Leni, Luan, Lynn and Lincoln: Awwww!

Leni: Can we at least get goodnight kisses first? You know, like we did in the story?

Lori: [Sighs] If you insist.

[Lori stands up and goes from sibling to sibling, planting a kiss on each one of their foreheads.]

[I want one too!]

[Lori rolls her eyes, walks up to the TV screen and kisses the monitor.]

'''[Tee hee. Thanks.]'''

''[Lori giggles a little, in spite of herself. She then shuts the TV off and walks her four siblings upstairs.]''