Thread:Dragonzako/@comment-31231137-20180802190033/@comment-31231137-20180802221052

Dragonzako wrote: I liked the general plot of the story, your OC was okay, some characters felt like themselves, the beginning was good and had promise.

I didn’t like some of the characters (there were too many at the end), the ending was really underwhelming and boring to me, Lil Poast could have been replaced with the kids finding some incriminating documents and trying to stop Cal. Some of the sequences felt a bit out of place since it feels like it isn’t flowing with the story. There was some cringe dialogue it was from Lynn Sr.

It could have Lynn Sr somewhat not want his family anymore causing them to be sad and he realizes after awhile he misses them or the family snaps him out of with some sort of speech. The OCs role could have been a bit reduced as he didn’t seem that important by the ending. The OCs friends were really pointless, they could have been taken out. Yeah, I agree the amount of characters could've been scaled back. The reason I included Lil Poast was because I wanted to have someone who had been signed to Anthony Rockefeller's label help expose Rockefeller's past crimes. As far as the cringey dialogue from Lynn Sr. goes, I'm glad you feel that way, because that's what I intended. I mean, it's trap music. It's supposed to be cringey.

With regards to Greg's friends, yeah, I agree, they really didn't do much. If I could rewrite it, I'd probably take them out. As for Greg's role not being important by the end, while I don't know about reducing his role, since, for the most part, he played a pretty big role in the story, I probably should've given him something to say towards the end. I did try to take your advice, though, and add a moment between Lynn Sr. and Luna toward the end. Hope you enjoyed that part. And thank you for the advice. But what did you think of Anthony Rockefeller/Cal Kimball? Am I good at writing a villain?