User blog:Thomperfan/Raw Deal (my version)

(It starts out with me and the Loud Family going on a road trip in Vanzilla.)

Lana: "Dad, are we there yet?"

Lynn Sr.: "Not yet, kiddo. A few more hours."

Lana: "Oh, okay." (beat) "Are we there yet?"

(Lincoln and I are looking at a guidebook of the place the family's visiting)

Lincoln: (to the viewers) "Today, we're going to Grand Venture State Park, and it's gonna be awesome!

Me: I know! We're gonna hike, and fish, and check out the caves..."

(As we explain what we’re gonna do, imaginary panels of him doing those activities appear)

Leni: "And I can't wait to see Pop-Pop!"

(Her siblings and I look at her confused)

Leni: "The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park."

Me: Uh, Leni, it’s geyser, not geezer. See. Here it is (I show a picture of it to Leni) It’s a big hole in the ground that shoots hot water up in the air.

Leni: Oh, (sigh) So smart.

(I blush and giggle)

Luna: "I hope we get to see it blow. That would be rockin'!"

Lisa: "I wouldn't hold my breath. It's been inactive for years."

Leni: "So, it is like Pop-Pop."

Me: Yeah I guess you could say that.

Lana: "Now are we there yet?"

Lynn Sr.: "Lana, stop asking."

Lana: "Well, Hops is asking, not me!"

Lola: (struggling with the seat belt) "This seat belt is wrinkling my dress!" (pants with anger)

Rita: "Why don't you guys play some car games?"

Lynn: "How about Football? I'll be the QB. Hike!" (tosses her ball in the car, causing it to nearly rear off-road and make her family scream in panic. She smiles nervously.)

Rita: "How about something a little less dangerous?"

Lucy: "I have a new deck of fortune telling cards. I could give everybody readings." (shuffles the cards)

(We all agree to that and want their fortunes told. She puts on a turban as the background changes to a special setting)

Lucy's Siblings and me: "Me first!" / "Over here, Lucy!"

Lucy: "It's Madame Lucy."

Lucy's Siblings and me: "Ooh!"

(The cards are dealt. The first card shows a galleon sailing on the ocean)

Lucy: "Lori, you will go on a long trip."

Lori: (excited) "Ooh. Maybe Bobby's taking me to Italy! He is working at that pizza place."

(The next card shows a castle door opening up to planets in the night sky)

Lucy: "Lola, the universe will open doors for you."

Lola: (scoffing) "Ha. Tell me something I don't know."

(The next card shows a knight on his steed facing strong winds)

Lucy: "Luan, you will soon be blown away."

Luan: "How fortunate!" (laughs as her siblings groan at her joke)

Lynn Sr.: (laughing) "Good one!"

Me: (laughing) Yeah, nice one, Luan!

(Lynn throws her Football at Luan for that one)

Luan: (still laughing) "Ow!"

Lisa: (disbelieving) "Poppycock. Could these predictions be anymore non-specific?"

(The next card shows a wizard with a crystal ball)

Lucy: "Lisa, you will make an amazing scientific discovery before entering the park today. Is that specific enough for you?"

Lisa: "Specific, yes. Plausible, no. As a woman of science, I cannot take any of this seriously."

Lucy: "Well, the cards don't lie. (tells the rest of the sisters' fortunes before finally telling mine and Lincoln's)

Me: Ooh! Ooh! What’s mine? What’s mine?

Lucy: Nolan, you will soon gain something you’ve always wanted.

Me: (gasp; excited) Oh boy! Oh boy!

Lucy: Last but not least: Lincoln." (draws the card and gasps at what she sees)

Lincoln: (concerned) "What? What does it say?"

Lucy: (changing the subject) "So, uh, who wants to play football?" (grins casually)

Lincoln: (desperate) "Lucy, come on! Tell me!"

Lucy: "Fine. Your day at the park will end in..." (reveals the card to show the grim reaper) "...tragedy."

(A suspenseful music sting plays for the card as Lynn Sr. is looking through the radio)

Lynn Sr.: "Ooh, a radio station of music stings! Neato-burrito!"

(The music sting plays again as Lincoln worries about his fortune; The family stops at Ed's Gas & Snack)

Lynn Sr.: "Okay, kids, ten minutes for bathroom and snacks. If you miss the cut-off, I can't promise I'll still be here.”

(Lincoln's sisters and I get out of the car, but he closes the door, much to Lisa's disbelief)

Lisa: "Aren't you coming?"

Lincoln: "Nope. I'm staying right here."

Lisa: "Oh, you're not worried about Lucy's silly predictions, are you?"

(Lori accidentally steps on an oil slick, slips out of control while screaming and crashes into the trash)

Me: (gasps) Lori! Are you OK? (I help her up)

Lori: "That was literally embarrassing."

Lucy: "It was also literally your fortune. "You will go on on a long trip"."

(Lincoln and I gasp at this fact)

Lori: (sighs in disappointment) "So, I'm not going to Italy?"

Lisa: "Relax, Lincoln. It's just a coincidence."

(Lincoln gets out and hears Luan giggling)

Luan: "Let me know if you get tired, Dad."

Lynn Sr. "Good one, honey. That's why you're my heir." (hits Luan with a jet of air that sends her flying into a bunch of tires) "Oh, sorry, sweetie. Your dad's just an air-head."

(They laugh as the other kids look on apathetically. Except for me who laughs.)

Me: Airhead. (laughing)

Lucy: (appearing next to us and startling us) "Fortune number two: "You will soon be blown away"."

(All except Lisa gasp in astonishment. The rest of the girls except Lisa head into the mini-mart while Lincoln shakes in panic)

Lisa: "More like coincidence number two."

Lucy: "We will see."

(As the rest head in, a charming man named Mr. Universe opens the door for Lola)

Lola: (curtsies for him) "Oh, thank you, Mr. Universe." (realizes a few seconds later) "AGH! THE UNIVERSE JUST OPENED DOORS FOR ME!"

(The others gasp again)

Lucy: "And...that's number three."

Lincoln: (pleading) "Lisa!"

Lisa: "Eh. Pure happenstance."

(Inside the store, there's a long line for the ladies' room)

Lynn: (rushing to the door) "Gotta go! Gotta go!"

Twins: "Back of the line, sister!" (point to the back)

Lynn: (runs to the back) "I CAN'T WAIT THIS LONG!" (starts doing jumping jacks) "Don't gotta go. Don't gotta go."

Leni: (holding a pair of pink boots with bows) "OMG! These boots are totes adorbs!"

Lana: (comes out of restroom) "Ha! I found a dollar in the toilet!"

Lucy: "Just like I predicted." (reveals the next card which is an hourglass) "Lynn, your patience will be tested." (reveals the next card which shows arrows piercing a heart) "Leni, you will fall in love." (reveals the next card showing a bunch of coins) "Lana, you will become filthy rich."

(The three gasp in shock)

Lucy: "What can I say? The cards don't lie."

Me: So, Leni’s not gonna fall in love with another guy? Yes! I mean, uh, whatever.

Lincoln: "Excuse me. Where are your first aid kits?"

Lisa: "Oh, Lincoln, please." (points to Lynn) "That is a coincidence." (points to Leni) "That's hyperbole." (points to Lana)"And that's gross exaggeration." (puts on rubber glove and takes dollar from Lana) "Filthy, yes. Rich, no."

Lana: (Takes back dollar) "Ugh. It's about quality, not quantity!"

Luna: "Oh yeah! The vending machine gave me an extra bag of chips! The best things in life are free, bros!" (pops open a bag and wolfs down some chips)

(Lily is toddling around and I pick her up)

Lucy: (shows a card with two people holding chalices) "You will be rewarded double."

Me: (eating a chocolate bar) Hey, Lincoln, you wanna push pop? Lincoln?

(Lincoln just stands there terrified. Just then…)

Leni: Oh, Noey! Can you help me put on these boots?

Me: Uh, sure Leni!  (I put Lily down and go to help Leni. She sits down and takes off her sandals. I take both of her feet and put the boots on them.)

Me: There you go, Leni. Boots fit for a queen. They look lovely on you.

Leni: (giggles) Thank you, Noey. You are so sweet, and so cute.

(She gives me a big kiss on the cheek and leaves. I giggle goofily.)

Me: (to Lincoln and Lisa) Guys, I hate to admit it, but, I think Lucy’s predictions are real. I’ve always wanted a kiss from Leni.

Lisa: Ugh. Nolan, please. You helped Leni put on shoes and complimented them, of course she was going to kiss you. It was pure coincidence.

(Lincoln panics more and is now in the car wearing a biking helmet, a chest plate, an athletic cup, and a gas mask which he is breathing heavily into)

Me: Lincoln, are you sure you wanna do this?

Lisa: "Oh, Lincoln, please. You're embarrassing yourself."

Lincoln: (muffled) "I'm just being sensible."

(Lisa takes the mask off him)

Lincoln: "I'm just being sensible. Lucy said my day would end in tragedy, and all her other predictions have come true."

Me: Wait a minute, Lisa’s fortune hasn’t come true yet.

Lisa: "Affirmative. I haven't made any scientific discoveries yet."

Lincoln: (realizing) "Wait a minute. That's true!"

Lynn Sr.: "Alright, kiddos, welcome to Grand Venture State Park!"

Lincoln: (herding his sisters and I) "Let's go, people! Move it! Move it!" (pushes us)

Lola: "Lincoln, why are you pushing us?"

Lori: "Yeah. What's the rush? We are literally the only people here."

Lincoln: "If we can get in the park before Lisa makes any discoveries, that means Lucy's predictions are bogus and I'm home free." (pushes us in) "Yes! We made it!" (takes off his protective gear and starts dancing) "Science: 1, medieval hocus pocus: 0. Right, Lis?" (notices she's not with them) "Lis?" (sees her coming) "Lisa, hurry up! Get in here!"

Lisa: "Sorry. I had to finish that chapter."

(Just then, a giant egg drops right between them and hatches)

Lisa: (gasps) "Sweet mother of scientific discoveries! It's an owl with deer antlers!"

(Lincoln screams in horror and goes into a daze)

Me: Uh, Lincoln?

Lisa: "Lucy, I concede that your psychic predictions are uncannily accurate. And now, I'm off to show this fascinating creature to the park ranger. See you later, Lincoln! Well, maybe not."

(The suspenseful sting plays again as Lincoln awaits his fate)

Lynn Sr.: "Yes! I can get the music sting station on my phone!"

(As we walk into the park, Lincoln is shaking with fear behind us)

Me: Lincoln, you look tense. Maybe you should use the bathroom. There’s a stall right there.

Lincoln: And risked getting struck by lightning or getting into a tornado? No way. I’m fine.

(I look concerned about Lincoln for a few seconds. Then I go over to the sisters)

Me: Girls, huddle!

Lori: Why?

Me: It’s important, now come on!

(I pull the sisters over to the stalls and we huddle)

Luan: Nolan, what’s going on?

Me: Guys, I’m really worried about Lincoln.

Luna: "What about him?"

Me: "Ever since Lucy told him that fortune, he's been very paranoid."

Lori: "Well, what do you want us to do about it?"

Me: "I want you to help me show Lincoln that there's nothing to worry about."

Lynn: "Dude, Lincoln’s being ridiculous. He shouldn't be scared by some fortune."

Lola: "Yeah. If he wants to hide and avoid everything like a wimp, it's not our problem."

Me: "Guys, come on. He's your brother. And he’s been looking forward to this trip all month. Do you really want him to be scared throughout this whole trip and miss out on all the fun? Because that's why we're all here: to have fun. It just wouldn't be right for him to miss out on family time because of some fortune. Also, you can’t blame him for being scared, when our fortunes all came true. And Lucy, even though you’re certain this fortune will happen, don’t you think we should at least try and make sure your brother is safe?

(The sisters begin to look concerned and remain silent for a few seconds.)

Leni: "Noey's right guys. I hate seeing Linky like this."

Lana: "Yeah, and it would be sad if he missed out on the fun."

Luan: "Sad? More like un-fortune-ate."

(Luan laughs while everyone else, but me groans.)

Luan: "But seriously, I agree with Nolan. We should help him."

Luna: "I'm with you, dudette."

Leni: "So am I."

Lola and Lana: "Us too!"

(Lily babbles in agreement)

Lynn: "Well. I guess as a big sister, I should be there for him when he needs me."

Lucy: The cards don’t lie, but Lincoln’s my brother. I’ll help.

Lori: "Alright, Nolan. We’re in. We'll help Lincoln see that there's literally nothing to be afraid of."

Me: "Awesome! I knew I could count on you girls!"

Lori: "So, what did you have in mind?"

Me: "Simple. We'll do our activities wherever we stop while Lincoln looks at us, and show him nothing bad will happen. Leni, if he's still scared, you and I will both hold his hands and guide him. It should help him feel at ease."

Leni: "OK!"

Me: And if anything bad does happen, we gotta protect him.

Sisters: Got it!

Me: OK, guys! It’s time to put Operation: Show Lincoln that there’s nothing to be afraid of so he can have fun and enjoy himself and also think of a shorter name for this operation into action!

(The girls all cheer. The family heads toward the caves)

Lynn Sr.: "Alright, gang. First stop is the Grand Stalactite Caverns."

Lucy: "Ooh. If it's dark, I'm in."

Lincoln: "Ooh. If it's dark, I'm out."

Rita: "Lincoln, you've been looking forward to this trip for months. Don't you wanna check out the caverns?"

Lincoln: "And get impaled by a stalactite?"

Luna: "Dude, Are you really gonna let a silly prediction ruin your fun?"

Lincoln: "Yes, I am. I'm gonna stay right here, where it's nice and safe."

Luna: Come on, bro, come with us.

Lincoln: No, I’m good.

Leni: Don’t worry, Linky. Nolan and I will be with you.

Lincoln: (sigh) fine.

(Leni and I hold Lincoln’s hands. We all go inside)

Luna: Whoa, Lincoln come look at this!

(We see crystals the size of basketballs)

Lincoln: Whooooaaaa. That’s so cool!

(Sometime later, some screeching is heard.)

Lincoln: (screams) "KILLER BATS!"

(Some butterflies fly in. One of them lands on Lincoln's nose.)

Lincoln: (calmly) "Oh. They're just butterflies." (panicking) "Who are probably fleeing from killer bats!" (tries to run off but we grab his arms)

Me: Don’t worry, Linc. We won’t let any killer bats hurt you.

Lincoln: (still shaky) O-O-OK.

(Lisa is showing this new species of owl to the park ranger.)

Lisa: "I call it the "Dowl"."

Park Ranger: "Remarkable. I'll arrange a press conference immediately. Lucky for us, I always carry bunting." (holds up the bunting)

(The family is swimming at the lake.)

Lynn Sr.: "Ah, Grand Sparkling Lake."

Lynn: "CANNONBALL!" (cannonballs into the lake with a huge splash.)

Lynn Sr.: "Watch it, Lynn! You'll ruin the Grand Venture guide!"

Lana: "Come on in, Lincoln! We got the whole lake to ourselves!"

Lincoln: (on the dock) "Yeah, right. So I can get eaten by a piranha? Or zapped by an eel? Or attacked by a swamp creature?"

Lola: "Don't be a dope. There's no such thing."

[Lynn Sr. emerges from the lake covered in algae.]

Lincoln: [screaming] "IT'S HIM!" [swings a branch at him] "Back, you hideous beast!"

Lynn Sr.: [removing the algae] "Hey, hey, hey! I didn't pick out these shorts! Your mother did! Huh."

Me: Don’t worry guys, me and Leni got this. (to Lincoln) Don’t worry, buddy. Me and Leni will be with you.

(Lincoln reluctantly agrees to come in with me and Leni holding his hands. We starting moving around in the lake, and Lincoln starts to feel less tense.)

Lincoln: This is… Not so bad.

Leni: See, baby brother? There’s nothing to be afraid of.

[Now they're visiting a gorge.]

Lynn Sr.: "Presenting Grand Vista Gorge. The most beautiful view north of the Rio Grande."

Luan: "Beautiful? Don't you mean GORGE-ous?" [laughs]

Rita: "Have any of you seen your brother? And Leni and Noah?"

[Lynn runs to the side of the gorge and notices Lincoln inching his way up the trail.]

Lincoln: [frantic] "Oh. Are those fire ants? Uh, that could be quicksand. Yikes! I'm pretty sure that's poison ivy."

Me: Don’t worry, Lincoln. Nothing’s gonna get you.

Lynn: "GUYS! GET YOUR BUTTS UP HERE!"

[Her voice echoes]

Me: CALM DOWN, LYNN! WE’RE COMING!

Lincoln: [softly] "Shh! You wanna cause an avalanche?"

Lynn: "WHAT?!"

[A rumbling sound is heard, but it's just a small leaf swaying to the ground.]

Lynn Sr.: "Next stop, Grand Current River."

[The family is fishing. While everyone has their lines in the river, Leni has hers in the bush. I notice this.]

Me: Uh, Leni, you have your line in the wrong place.

Leni: I do?

Me: Here, let me help you.

(I do just that)

Luna: [to Lana] "Hey, little dudette, hook me up with another worm."

Lana: [eating the worms] "Sorry. All out."

Rita: "Lincoln, you should join us."

Lincoln: [hiding under the canoe] "Yeah, right! And get swept down the river? Or contract a deadly parasite? Or slip on a rock, bang my head, get amnesia, and wind up in Tijuana? I don't think so!" [goes back to hiding. I come over and take off the canoe.]

Me: Come on, buddy. There’s nothing to worry about.

(I drag Lincoln over to the river and get a fishing line for him, then I set it up for him and let him stand there for a while)

Lincoln: Nothing’s happening… Yet.

[The family is having a picnic.]

Lana: [patting her belly] "Ugh. I wish I hadn't filled up on worms."

Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, are you sure you won't join us?"

Lincoln: [in the picnic basket] "Yeah, right! And attract bears with the smell of the burgers? I don't think so!" [goes back to hiding]

Lori: "I think bears also like the potato salad in that basket."

[Lori's words causes Lincoln to come out of the basket yelping and run to a field.]

Me: Lori! We’re supposed to make Lincoln feel safe, not more scared then he already is!

Lori: Sorry.

Lincoln: "I'll just stand in this field." [frantic] "Wait. Then I could get struck by lightning. Maybe I'll be safe in that log." [hides in said log] "But there could be rabid beavers!" [gets out of the log] "Back to the picnic basket!" [about to get back in] "No! Wait! The bears!" [trips]

(Lori and I help him up)

Lori: Lincoln, I was just joking. No bears are going to attack you.

Lincoln: Sure, you say that now, but when the bears come running hear, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Me: Come on, Lincoln, you gotta have at least ONE burger.

Lincoln: (sigh) Fine.

(Cuts to us back at the table and Lincoln is eating the burger.)

Lincoln: Mmmm. This burger is really good.

(Me and Lori fist bump)

Lynn Sr.: "Ah, what a day. Grand Venture State Park, you always know how to show us a grand time."

Lincoln: [heading for the exit] "This is great. I may actually get out of here alive."

Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, where are you going? We've got Lisa's press conference."

Lincoln: "You guys go without me. The flash from the cameras could blind me."

[His dad grabs his arm and takes him to the conference, where Lisa is about to announce her latest discovery.]

Lisa: [at podium] "Members of the press, I have made a discovery that will forever alter our understanding of the animal kingdom. I give you..." [reveals Dowl] "...the Dowl! Or Loudicus Lisa, if you prefer."

[The rest of her family, me and the press are amazed while Lincoln flinches and screams at the flash of the cameras.]

Lisa: "As you can see, the antlers of the Dowl are..."

[Suddenly, the little bird shakes off the antlers and Lisa makes another discovery, one not so scientific.]

Lisa: "...Made in China?"

[The park ranger does a spit take.]

Park Ranger: "Excuse me. I just remembered I, uh...left the iron on in the park ranger station. Forest fires are no joke." [proceeds to leave]

Lisa: [stopping him] "Hold it right there, bub! What gives?"

Park Ranger: [sighs] "Okay. I concocted the whole thing. I bought the antlers at a yard sale and glued them on the owl."

Lisa: [livid] "You think science is some sort of a joke?"

Park Ranger: "No. It's just that ever since the geyser stopped erupting, no one comes to the park anymore. I thought a little publicity would bring people back."

[Lisa goes back to the podium.]

Lisa: "My apologies to you all. Obviously, the Dowl is a fake."

Lincoln: "A fake?" [gasps] "So Lucy's prediction for you wasn't true!"

Lisa: "That is a logical conclusion."

Lincoln: "Which means mine wasn't true either!"

Lisa: "Second logical conclusion."

Lincoln: "I ruined my whole day for no reason."

Lisa: "Thrice, a logical conclusion."

Me: Uh, no. Not really.

Lincoln and Lisa: What?

Me: Think about it. You were so scared to come here. But when we showed you there was nothing to worry about, you actually enjoyed yourself.

Lincoln: I did?

Leni: Noah’s right, Lincoln. You got to see the shiny crystals.

Lana: You got to swim in the lake.

Lynn: You saw the gorge.

Lana: And you got to fish.

Lori: And you even got to eat a hamburger.

Luan: Not to mention you didn’t die or get during any of those things?

Me: See, Lincoln, you didn’t miss a thing. We didn’t let it.

Lincoln: (sighs) Thanks, guys. You’re the best.

(The 12 of us hug)

[The family's getting ready to go home.]

Lynn Sr.: "Okay, kids, you have five minutes to get in the car. And if you miss the cut-off, no guarantees."

(Me and Lincoln are walking to the car.)

Me: See I told you, we were gonna have a good time here.

Lincoln: You’re right, Noah, we did. And you know what? I learned something today.

Me: What’s that?

Lincoln: You can't live your life in fear, or you'll miss out on it. And that would be a tragedy.

Me: Very well said, buddy.

[Before we head to the car, the ground starts shaking and there's a rumbling sound. Lincoln and I rush over and see something amazing.]

Lincoln: "It's the geyser! Whoa!"

[The 2 of us look on to see the geyser's majestic eruption in awe. All of a sudden, the car's horn honks and the rest are leaving without us.]

Lincoln: "He really is leaving me behind. Sheesh. I always thought that was an empty threat."

Me: Me too.

(We chase after them.)

Lincoln and I: GUYS, WAIT!

[The car stops and Lincoln gets in.]

Lincoln: [jubilant] "Guys! Guys! You won't believe what happened! Noah and I just saw the geyser go off!"

[His sisters are getting some sleep after a fun day.]

Leni: [groggily] "Ugh. Lincoln, you told me Pop-Pop wasn't gonna be here."

Lincoln: "Leni, it's not...never mind. This turned out to be the best day ever." [goes to sleep for the ride home.]

Me: We sure did. (I go to sleep too.)

Lisa: "Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited."

Lucy: "WRONG. I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction." [draws one more card] "The end is near."

Lisa: "Oh, please. Give me a-"

[Cuts Lisa's line off to show an end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a Dowl on it appears.]

THE END

Lucy: "Told ya. The cards don't lie."

EPILOGUE

(Lincoln and I are Lincoln’s room. I’m asleep and Lincoln is about to go to sleep, when he hears a knock on the door)

Lincoln: Come in.

(The door opens to reveal Lucy)

Lucy: Hey, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Oh, hey Lucy. What’s up?

(Lucy sits down on the bed.)

Lucy: Lincoln, I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for making you feel so scared that you couldn’t enjoy yourself. I really am.

Lincoln: It’s okay, Luce. Don’t be sorry. I was bringing it onto myself. I chose to believe in that fortune.

Lucy: I was thinking, maybe I should throw my cards away.

Lincoln: WHAT?! No, Lucy, don’t do that! You love fortune telling! It’s your thing and your really good at it, and if you stopped doing it because of me, I would feel just awful.

Lucy: Really?

Lincoln: Of course! What did you think? That I was gonna get mad at you and blame you got everything? Cause, that’s just ridiculous! Trust me, I’m not like that.

Lucy: (smiles) Thanks, big brother.

Lincoln: No problem, little sister.

(Lincoln and Lucy hug and say goodnight to each other, and Lucy exits the room, only to be met with Lisa.)

Lisa: Elder sister, I seem to have noticed a flaw in your fortune telling you said that the end is near, but yet here we are still on-screen.

Lucy: That was just a fake out, the real end is coming in just a few seconds.

Lisa: (scoffs) You really expecting believe that this is really the e-

[Cuts Lisa's line off to show another end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a Dowl on it appears.]

REALLY THE END

Lisa: OH, COME ON!

Lucy: Like I said, the cards don’t lie.