User blog:AustinDR/A Confession

OK, so I'll be perfectly blunt with you all. I was contemplating about killing myself. You see, I have been feeling really depressed this last month, which my mom cited as me being off my anti-depressants for a few days. Whatever the reason, it had gotten to the point that I couldn't even tell if I was happy or sad. I just felt miserable about my life, and believed that everyone would be better off without me. For instance, I write reviews on films and television episodes I have seen, the LH in particular. I was deeply cynical until I watched the Loud House...it is one of the only things that makes me feel happy. I was initially offput from watching it as I felt that it would suck. To say I was pleasantly surprised is an understatement. I grew to love the show and its characters, and I wanted to share my love of the show with my watchers through memes and reviews. Unfortunately, I only mustered up a "meh" from them, which hurt me. Mostly they only watch me if they could get something out of me. I lashed out at two of my watchers for being indifferent about my reviews when it was really unwarranted. I just felt so passionately about movies and the Loud House, that I was insulted that they were indifferent about my passion. It definitely hurt more because I wanted to be a movie critic at one point.

Seriously, I get the sinking feeling that no one would care if I were to die right now. This was best shown in one of my latest deviations. In it, I had admitted that I was feeling miserable, and one user used that opportunity to request a drawing. See what I mean? They don't care for me personally; they care only for what I can provide them. And then there was that falling out I had with my ex-friend Daniel which drifted me further towards contemplating suicide. After he blocked me, I started to think more about death after several people had died in 2016, and I was beginning to wonder what it would be like if I died. Religion couldn't help my depression, as like I mentioned, I'm leaning more towards agnostic, which caused my parents to worry about my mental state. It got to the point that I didn't care if I could wind up in hell for committing suicide as I was starting to get skeptical about its existence. I just felt so, so...empty that I just wanted to end it all before the new year came in. I even decided that I would attempt suicide sometime in January or whatever. I have no friends, I have no one that gives a crap about me, by all means, I'm better off dead.