User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: The Skeptic's Shackles

Lisa's condesending intellectual superiority is certainly nothing new. Even when she's a total hypocrite, she insists on being the smartest person in the room who has all the answers. That has gotten her into trouble before, but this fan episode will also utilize something of a subtle, unexplored talent of Luan. You'll soon see what I mean, as I present to you:

The Skeptic's Shackles
Plot Summary: When Lisa ruins Luan's magic show with her typical snark, Luan decides to teach her a lesson using a special pair of trick handcuffs.

Script
''[We begin in Luna and Luan’s room. Luan is sitting at her vanity, touching up her clown makeup. Sitting on the desk are several props, including playing cards, metal rings, and colored handkerchiefs. Luan picks up a deck of cards and begins shuffling it before turning to the audience.]''

Luan: What? You were expecting maybe whoopee cushions and joy buzzers? Well, one of the things I learned at the clowning academy is that there’s more to being a birthday clown than pratfalls and knock knock jokes. You need to know your audience and have several tricks up your sleeve. Which segues quite nicely into one of my hidden talents: magic.

''[Luan bends the deck she was shuffling, and the cards go flying in an arc from one hand to the other. She continues shuffling the cards like this several times before showing the audience the 8 of Spades. With a flick of her wrist, the card appears to vanish without a trace.]''

Luan: Now, don’t get me wrong; comedy is great and all. It’s still my biggest passion by far. But you know what they say: the more times you hear a joke over and over again, the more it becomes stale. So I like to change things up every once in a while. Variety is the spice of life, y’know?

''[She continues juggling the cards around. One by one, they seem to disappear with each pass. Finally, all of the cards have vanished, and Luan stands up.]''

Luan: Still, it’s been a while since I practiced my prestidigitation. Which is why I’m testing out some new tricks on my family tonight.

[Beat]

Luan: Magic tricks, I mean. I don’t have much planned in the way of pranks this time around. Though people have told me that I can be quite a… card.

''[Luan laughs as cards spray out of her sleeves and scatter all over the room. She takes a moment to collect herself.]''

Luan: But seriously, folks. My public awaits, so if you’ll excuse me…

[She saunters out the door and makes her way downstairs.]

***

[Down in the living room, the Loud family is all gathered around a makeshift stage and chatting amongst themselves.]

Lincoln: I wonder what’s so important about this act that she needed all of us to see it.

Luna: Search me, bro. She certainly didn’t tell me about anything. Then again, this is Luan we’re talking about. She does love her surprises.

Leni: [nervously] I’m just hoping it’s a good surprise and not one of those we-all-get-trapped-in-gelatin surprises.

Lynn Sr.: [pats Leni on the shoulder] Relax, honey. I don’t think Luan would plan this far in advance for April Fool’s Day. [after a beat, he turns to Rita] Would she?

''[Before Rita can answer, the lights dim. A drumroll is heard.]''

Luan: [offscreen] Welcome, family, to a show you will not soon forget! Put your hands together for that illustrious illusionist, that prankster of prestidigitation, the Ludicrous Luan!

''[There is a puff of smoke, and the curtains fly open. From the smoke emerges Luan in her clown outfit. Her family applauds with the notable exception of Lisa, who simply pouts and folds her arms.]''

Luan: [bows] A-thank you, a-thank you. Let’s begin with an oldie but a goodie.

''[Luan takes out a silk top hat and rolls it across her arm. She then taps it twice and shows it to the audience, indicating that there’s nothing inside. Leni starts applauding.]''

Luan: [deadpans] That wasn’t the trick.

Leni: [blushes] Oh. Sorry.

[Luan sets the hat on the ottoman.]

Luan: Now, watch carefully, folks. Nothing here, [she rolls up her left sleeve] nothing here, [she rolls up her right sleeve] and nothing in here. [she points to her forehead and crosses her eyes]

Lisa: [raising an eyebrow] Hmm…

[Luan presses her fingers together and pulls them apart, revealing a magic wand.]

Luan: And now, for the magic words! [she taps the hat with her wand] Abraka-pocus!

''[She then reaches into the hat and pulls out Cliff. A few of her siblings begin to snicker. She gives the camera a sly wink.]''

Luan: [feigning anger] Dang it, Cliff. We talked about this. Stop upstaging Gary; you’re ruining my act. [she sets Cliff down and chuckles] Sorry ‘bout that, folks. Usually, the cat’s supposed to come out of the bag, not the hat. [laughs] Get it?

[There is a mixture of laughs and groans from the Loud family.]

Luan: Alright, now let’s do this properly. [she taps the hat with her magic wand] Hocus-kadabara!

''[She reaches into the hat and pulls out Charles. She deadpans.]''

Luan: Okay, how many of you are in there, exactly?

''[She continues reaching into the hat and pulling out several different pets. First Geo, then Walt, then El Diablo, then Hops, then Fangs, and finally Gary.]''

Luan: Ah, there you are. Sheesh, Gary. Guess the others thought the whole rabbit thing was old hat. [laughs]

[The Loud family applauds, except for Lisa, who looks unimpressed.]

Lincoln: Wow. I never knew Luan was so good at this stuff.

Lisa: Please. It’s not that impressive. Obviously, that ottoman was hollowed out to store all of those animals.

[Luan wheels out a segmented wooden box.]

Luan: For my next illusion, I require a volunteer from the audience. Hmm… [she looks around before pointing to Lucy] Yes, you! The one in black.

''[The family looks over at Lucy. Lucy shrugs and walks up to Luan. Luan opens each segment of the box in turn, showing it to be empty.]''

Luan: I just need you to lie down in here, if you please.

[Lucy complies.]

Lucy: Hmm. Velvet interior. Very nice.

Luan: Only the best for my lovely assistants. [she closes each segment of the box] Nice and comfy?

Lucy: Yes.

Luan: Good. ''[she then brandishes a saw. Most of the Louds gasp. Lisa remains stoic. Lucy merely smiles]''

Lucy: Wicked.

Luan: [coyly] Do I know you, or do I know you?

Lynn Sr.: [nervously] Um, honey? Are you sure you know what you’re doing?

Luan: Eh, don’t worry, Dad. This is perfectly safe. [she winks at Lucy] At least, it’s supposed to be. I dunno, I’ve never tried this before.

[Lynn Sr. whimpers and begins chewing his nails.]

Luan: Okay, Luce! Time for you to make like a banana and split! [laughs] Get it?

Lucy: [exasperated] Sigh. Just get on with it.

''[Luan shrugs and saws through the box. Lucy doesn’t so much as budge. The family watches with bated breath as Luan does her trick, with the exception of Lisa. Once she’s made a clean cut, Luan separates the two halves. Sure enough, Lucy’s head is sticking out of one end, while her feet are sticking out the other. Lynn Sr. faints.]''

Luan: There we are. How’re you feeling, Lucy?

Lucy: [shrugs] Not quite a hundred percent, but fine otherwise.

[Luan lets out a hearty guffaw, and some of the other siblings laugh as well.]

Luan: Let it never be said that our Duchess of Darkness doesn’t have a sense of humor. But I think we all agree that she should be in one piece, yeah? Luckily, our own Great Grandma Harriet has a spell for just this occasion. Lucy, a little help with the magic words?

''[Lucy nods, and Luan puts the pieces of the box back together. She then taps the box with her wand while Lucy chants.]''

Lucy: ''Eye of rat and lobster’s soul/heal my body! Make me whole!''

''[There is a puff of smoke that encapsulates the entire box. When the smoke clears, Lucy has disappeared. Luan raises an eyebrow.]''

Luan: Huh. That’s odd. [she turns to her family] Just a sec, folks. Technical difficulties. [she begins looking through the box] Hello~? Lucy, you in there?

Lisa: [rolls her eyes] Does she really expect us to buy this?

Leni: [horrified] Lisa! How could you say that?! Like, Lucy might be gone forever!

[Lisa groans and pinches the bridge of her nose.]

Luan: Yeesh, Luce. When I said make like a banana and split, I didn’t mean it that way. C’mon, you gotta be here somewhere. [she strokes her chin] Hmm. It seems she up and disappeared. Looks like I’ll have to play detective to find her. [she feels around her person] Now, where’s my magnifying glass?

[A familiar hand pokes out from behind the curtain, holding a magnifying glass.]

???: Here you go.

Luan: Ah. Thanks, Lu— CY~!

''[The curtain draws back, revealing that Lucy has appeared out of seemingly nowhere. The family applauds while Rita tries to nudge Lynn Sr. awake.]''

Lana: Whoa~! That was amazing!

Lisa: [dryly] I’m glad you’re so easily impressed.

Lynn: Geez, Lisa. What flew up your butt?

Lisa: Did you not see Luan’s interactions with Lucy? Clearly, the two of them were in cahoots. This whole charade is nothing but smoke and mirrors.

Rita: [sternly] Lisa, there’s no need to be so disrespectful.

Lisa: [haughtily] And why, pray tell, should I respect something that’s obviously a complete sham, Mother?

[Luan overhears Lisa’s griping, and a mischievous smirk forms on her face.]

Luan: Well, well. Sounds like we have a naysayer in the audience tonight. Well, I have just the trick for you. Come on up, Lis’.

Lisa: [scoffs] If you think for one minute that I’m going to play along with this tomfoolery, you have another think coming.

Lynn: [coyly] What’s the matter, Lisa? You chicken?

Lisa: [pouts] I am no gallus gallus domesticus, metaphorically or otherwise. I just find this to be a waste of my time.

Lana: [sneers] Sounds just like something a chicken would say. [she flaps her arms, imitating a chicken] Buc-buc-b-kaw~!

Lisa: [aggravated] There isn’t even anything for me to be afraid of! It’s all a trick!

Lincoln: Well, if there’s nothing to be afraid of, you shouldn’t have any problem letting Luan do her trick on you, right?

[After a beat, Lisa growls.]

Lisa: Curse your infernal logic. Fine, I’ll play along. But only to prove to you what gullible rubes you all are.

[Lisa gets up out of her seat and marches up to Luan.]

Luan: So glad you chose to volunteer, Lisa. [she turns to the Louds] Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a trick I’ve reserved for people just like our little smarty pants here. Behold, the Skeptic’s Shackles!

''[She waves a handkerchief over her empty hand. After a beat, she yanks it away, revealing a pair of handcuffs.]''

Lisa: [deadpan] Is that supposed to impress me? You just hid those up your sleeve.

Luan: See, this is exactly what I’m talking about, folks. Little Miss Pouty Puss over here thinks she’s so smart, doesn’t she? She thinks she can just explain all of my tricks and ruin the show for everyone. Well, let’s put that to the test, shall we? Lisa, your wrist, please.

''[Lisa rolls her eyes and holds out her right arm. Luan then locks one the cuffs onto Lisa’s wrist with an audible click. She then straps the other cuff to her own left wrist.]''

Luan: Now, ladies and gentlemen, a little word about these shackles. See, they are very special. When I got them at the clowning academy, they didn’t come with a key. I was told that the only way to break these cuffs is if both parties believe in the power of magic and say the super special magic word.

Lisa: Preposterous.

Luan: [arching an eyebrow] Is it, Lisa?

[Beat]

Lisa: Yes, it is. I just said as much. It’s physically impossible to break out of handcuffs using faith.

Luan: Well, yeah. We’re not gonna get free with that attitude. But just trust me on this one, ‘kay? [she turns back to her family] And now, ladies and gentlemen, my lovely assistant and I will break out of these cuffs! Ready, Lisa? On three. One…

Lisa: This is utterly ludicrous. Obviously, these aren’t real handcuffs. They’re cheap plastic that’ll—

Luan: Two…

Lisa: [peeved] Are you even listening to me right no—?

Luan: Three! Boomph~!

''[Luan pulls her wrist, but Lisa doesn’t so much as budge. The cuffs remain intact.]''

Lola: Wait a minute. The super special magic word is “boomph?”

Luan: [shrugs] Hey, I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them. [she points to the handcuffs and laughs] Get it?

Lincoln: Um, Luan? The cuffs aren’t broken.

Luan: I know, Lincoln. But that’s only because Lisa didn’t say the magic word with me. [she turns to Lisa] Now, let’s try this again, shall we? One, two, three, boomph~!

''[Luan pulls her wrist, but once again, Lisa doesn’t budge. Luan deadpans.]''

Luan: [tersely] This isn’t gonna work unless you cooperate.

Lisa: [groans] Fine.

Luan: On three. One, two, three, boomph~!

Lisa: [half-heartedly] Boomph.

[The two sisters pull at their shackles, but they remain intact.]

Luan: I don’t think you’re boomphing correctly, Lisa.

Lisa: Or, more likely, your trick doesn’t work as advertised. Now kindly fetch the key to this infernal contraption.

Luan: [concerned] Uh, Lis’? There is no key. You gotta boomph your way out.

Lisa: [dryly] Sure, Luan. That’s what you want me to believe.

Luan: Yeah, that’s kinda the point of the trick. The cuffs won’t break otherwise.

Lisa: That, dear sibling, is an extraordinary claim that lacks extraordinary evidence. Now, I’ve had just about enough of these games, so if you could please conjure up the key and get us out of this, that would be most appreciated.

''[Luan gives her family a pained look. After a beat, Lisa looks at Luan.]''

Lisa: Hold the proverbial phone. You were serious about there not being a key, weren’t you?

Luan: Um, yeah. I think I made that pretty clear.

[Beat]

Lisa: So you just tethered us together with no means of escape.

Luan: Oh, there’s a means of escape. You just don’t believe in it.

[Beat]

Lisa: [fuming] Alright, Luan. If that’s the way you wish to play it, fine. I’ll find a way out of this without accepting the impossible! You’ll see!

''[Lisa marches out of the room, dragging Luan with her. The rest of the family looks at each other.]''

Leni: So, like, does that mean the show’s over?

***

''[We cut to the kitchen. Lisa is rifling through the fridge while Luna stands over her and watches.]''

Lisa: [growls] I know it’s in here somewhere. Ugh, where did Father put it?

Luan: [cheekily] Maybe the magic cuffs made it disappear. [she wiggles her fingers at Lisa] Oooh~!

[Lisa deadpans and yanks on the shackles, slamming Luan’s head into the fridge.]

Lisa: Are you incapable of taking anything seriously?

Luan: [rubbing her head] I dunno. Are you incapable of not being a grouchy stick-in-the-mud?

Lisa: I refuse to dignify that. Ah, here we are.

''[Lisa takes out a butter plate from the fridge. Luan raises an eyebrow.]''

Luan: Huh. Sure you don’t wanna try peanut butter?

Lisa: [blinks] Pardon? Peanut butter is adhesive, not slippery

Luan: Well, I can’t think of a better way to get out of a jam. [laughs]

Lisa: [facepalms] Spare me the puns and fetch a butter knife from the drawer, would you?

Luan: [shrugs] You’re the boss.

''[Luan takes a butter knife out of the drawer and hands it to Lisa. Lisa stares at the knife for a bit.]''

Lisa: Um, right. [she holds up the butter plate] Would you care to do the honors?

Luan: [arching an eyebrow] You’re the one who wants to get out of this your way. Why don’t you do it?

Lisa: Luan, don’t be difficult. I’m quite certain that this butter will provide enough lubrication for us to get free.

Luan: Then go ahead. [she continues to present to knife to Lisa]

Lisa: [nervously] B-but I’m not allowed to use a butter knife. You know that.

Luan: Are you telling me that you, the genius who creates glow-in-the-dark cookies and experiments with nuclear radiation on a daily basis, is unable to handle a butter knife?

[Beat]

Lisa: Give me the knife.

Luan: [coyly] But I thought you said…

Lisa: Give me the knife, Luan. Don’t make me say it again.

Luan: [shrugs] Okay. If you say so.

''[Luan hands the knife to Lisa. Lisa takes it and holds up the butter plate.]''

Lisa: Right. This shouldn’t be too difficult.

''[We jump cut to a few seconds later. The entire kitchen is a mess, with butter splattered everywhere, including on Luan and Lisa. Luan giggles, prompting Lisa to give her a dirty look.]''

Lisa: Not. One. Word.

''[She marches off, dragging Luan with her. Luan gives the camera a shrug before disappearing from the room.]''

***

''[We cut to Lisa and Lily’s room. Lisa is rummaging through her drawer while Luan sits off to the side fiddling with a coin in her free hand.]''

Luan: Going straight for the scientific gadgetry, huh, Lis’? What, you don’t wanna try a good ol’ fashioned hacksaw or something first?

Lisa: It honestly boggles my mind that you can be so nonchalant about the predicament we’re in.

Luan: Oh, please. You think this is the first time I’ve done this trick? I know how to get us out.

Lisa: Then why haven’t you?

Luan: Because you won’t accept my method. I told you, that’s how the cuffs work. ''[she flips the coin into the air and catches it. When she opens her hand, the coin has mysteriously vanished]''

Lisa: [sighs] Luan, let me make this as clear as I can. It is physically impossible to create any sort of material that can only break through sheer willpower. I refuse to entertain such a notion.

Luan: [shrugs] We’ll see. Oh, by the way, you’ve got something in your ear.

Lisa: [scoffs] Nice try, Luan, but I’m not falling for…

''[Luan reaches behind Lisa’s head with her free hand and pulls out the coin she was fiddling with before. Lisa gives Luan an incredulous look.]''

Lisa: We both know you hid that coin up your sleeve.

[Beat]

Luan: [deadpans] Have I ever told you the joke about the magician and the parrot?

Lisa: No, and I’m not keen on hearing it, either. [she goes back to rummaging through her drawer] Now, could you at least pretend that you care about getting us out of this and give me a hand?

Luan: Sorry, Lisa. You already have one of them. I’m not giving you my spare.

Lisa: [groans] You know very well what I meant, you obtuse buffoon.

Luan: [sarcastically] Oh, hey. Name calling. Yeah, that’ll definitely motivate me to help.

[Lisa growls and yanks on her shackles, causing Luan to fall out of her chair.]

Lisa: Is that enough motivation for you, sibling?

''[Luan simply gets up and dusts herself off. Lisa finally pulls what appears to be a laser pointer out of her drawer.]''

Luan: Uh, Lisa? That’s a laser pointer.

Lisa: Perhaps to the untrained eye. But in actuality, it is my laser-powered scalpel, designed to operate on android bodies. This should make short work of your “magic” cuffs.

[Beat]

Luan: You sure you don’t want to try a hacksaw? That suddenly sounds less dangerous.

Lisa: Quit your bellyaching and hold still. The only thing this will hurt is your pride.

''[Lisa powers up the device and points it at the chain. A red beam shines from the pen, but it doesn’t appear to be cutting through. After a few seconds, Luan raises an eyebrow.]''

Luan: Does it usually take this long?

Lisa: [perplexed] It shouldn’t. [she taps the pen] C’mon, what’s wrong with this thing?

Luan: Why’re you asking me? It’s your invention.

Lisa: Luan, you are really not helping right n— [she squints at the laser pointer] Oh. There’s the problem. The childproof safety lock is on. My mistake.

[Beat]

Luan: Considering what goes on in this room, it is very weird to hear the words “childproof safety lock” come out of your mouth. You know that, right?

Lisa: [sighs] Yes, I am well aware. Now, all I have to do is turn off the lock, and—

Robotic Voice: Access denied. Wielder of device underaged.

[Beat]

Lisa: Of all the asinine… [sighs] Luan, would you mind…?

Luan: Uh-uh, sister. You wanna get out of the Skeptic’s Shackles the hard way? You do it on your own.

[Lisa snorts angrily.]

Lisa: Fine. Be that way. As it just so happens, I can use my DNA to override the childproof safety lock. Observe.

''[Lisa places a finger on the device. After a few seconds, the device beeps.]''

Robotic Voice: Recognized: Lisa Marie La-ood. Childproof safety lock disengaged.

Lisa: [smugly] Perfect. Now we can finally—

''[Suddenly, Lily crawls in, smelling quite unpleasant. She looks up at Luan.]''

Lily: Poo-poo.

Lisa: Can this wait, youngest sibling? We’re in the middle of something.

Lily: [sternly] Poo-poo.

Lisa: You have ten other family members who are perfectly capable of changing you. Go ask one of them.

Lily: [points to Luan] Poo-poo!

Lisa: No, I don’t care if it’s Luan’s turn!

Luan: Lisa, if Lily says it’s my turn to change her, then it’s my turn to change her.

Lisa: That tautology does not change the fact that we are otherwise preoccupied, sibling. Besides, this’ll only take a sec—

Lily: Poo-poo!

''[Lily crawls up to Luan. Luan bends down to pick her up.]''

Robotic Voice: Warning. Underaged presence detected in firing range. Childproof safety lock engaged.

Lisa: What?! No! I’m not even aiming anywhere near her! Override, override!

Robotic Voice: Recognized: Lisa Marie La-ood. Childproof safety lock diseng—  Warning. Underaged presence detected in firing range. Childproof safety lock eng—  Recognized: Lisa Marie La-ood. Childproof safety lock disen—  Warning. Underaged presence detected in firing range. Childproof safety lock eng—

''[The laser pointer keeps switching back and forth until finally, it overloads and explodes in Lisa’s hand. Lisa is covered in soot.]''

Luan: Sheesh, Lisa. I know you’re mad, but there’s no need to blow up like that. [laughs] Get it?

[Lily giggles while Lisa sulks.]

Lisa: Gloat while you can, Luan. I’ll beat your little magic trick yet. Mark my words.

***

[We cut to a montage of Lisa trying to break out of the handcuffs while also attempting to go about her day.]

''*First, Lisa tries synthesizing an acid to melt the cuffs, but Luan keeps getting in the way. Eventually, Luan’s hand nudges one of the test tubes, spilling its contents and creating a small explosion.''

''*Luan tries to play with Mr. Coconuts, but she finds that she can’t since she needs both hands to operate him. She settles for using Lisa as her ventriloquist dummy. Lisa is not amused.''

''*Later, Lisa brings the handcuffs to Lynn, who is wearing her karate outfit. Luan and Lisa stretch out the chain on a pile of cinder blocks. Lynn bows and karate chops the chain. While the cinder blocks crumble in two, the chain remains intact. Lisa gives Lynn a bewildered stare, to which Lynn simply shrugs.''

''*Lisa tries to give a lecture via video conference while Luan practices one-arm juggling with a rubber ball. This is obviously too distracting for the other people on the conference call. Noticing this, Luan catches the ball and squishes it. When she opens her hand, it appears to have vanished. Lisa rolls her eyes.''

''*Lisa then brings the handcuffs to Lana. Lana looks over the lock on the cuffs for a moment before shrugging. After a beat, her expression brightens, and she tries biting the chain. She then recoils, gripping her mouth in pain. Lisa facepalms and shakes her head.''

''*At dinner, Luan and Lisa struggle to use their utensils properly. Lisa jerks her hand, accidentally causing Luan to catapult some mashed potatoes into Lola’s face. This prompts a food fight.''

''*The montage ends with Lisa having a robot try and cut the chain with a buzzsaw. Before the blade makes contact, the robot loses power. Lisa discovers that the batteries in her remote control had run down. Frustrated, Lisa throws the remote to the ground and stomps on it.''

***

''[We cut to the kids getting ready for bed. Luan and Lisa are still handcuffed, and the cramped bathroom becomes even more chaotic as they struggle against each other.]''

Lisa: [grunting] Luan, would you kindly lower your stature? I cannot brush my teeth like this.

Luan: In a minute, Lisa. I’m still flossing my braces.

Lola: Ow~! Lori~! Luan’s handcuffs keep poking me in the face!

Lori: Okay, seriously, Luan. How long do you plan to keep this up?

Luan: Trust me, Lori. Lisa could’ve ended this a long time ago. She still can, actually. All she has to do is…

Lisa: If you suggest that we boomph our way out, I’m slamming your head against the sink.

Leni: Well, like, it can’t hurt to try, can it?

Lisa: [bemused] Leni, do you know what the definition of insanity is?

[Beat]

Leni: Luan during April Fool’s Day?

Luna: Bu-dum pssh~! [laughs] Good one, Leni!

Leni: [blinks] Good what?

[Luan lets out a self-mocking chuckle of her own.]

Lisa: [sighs] The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. If boomphing our way out didn’t work the first time, why should we expect it to work any other time?

Luan: Because you don’t actually believe it’ll work. I told you this several times. The cuffs will only break when both parties believe in the power of magic.

Lana: [raising an eyebrow] So, those cuffs are basically never gonna break, then.

Luan: [snickers] Oh, ye of little faith.

Lori: As fascinating as all this is, can one of you guys help me? I can’t find my retainer.

Luan: Oh, sure. Let me get that for you.

''[Luan rolls up her sleeve and reaches behind Lori’s ear. Much to Lori’s surprise, she produces the retainer out of thin air.]''

Luan: [coyly] It’s always in the last place you look, isn’t it?

Lori: [dryly] Very cute, Luan. [she snatches the retainer from her]

Lisa: She obviously swiped the retainer while you were all distracted and hid it up her sleeve.

Lynn: But that doesn’t make any sense. I saw her roll up her sleeve.

Lisa: That was merely a distraction to draw your attention away from what was actually happening.

[Beat]

Luan: I seriously have to tell you that joke about the magician and the parrot one of these days.

Lisa: I’m not sure how that’s relevant to your childish parlor games.

Lincoln: [rolls his eyes] We get it, Lisa. You don’t like magic. Give it a rest, will ya?

Lucy: B-T-Dubs, the spirits have a few opinions on that…

Lisa: Oh, don’t you start, Lucy. This is infuriating enough as is. [she sighs wearily and turns to Luan] Look, let’s just go to bed. I’ll call Dr. J at the institute in the morning. They might have something to get us out of this.

''[Lisa heads out of the bathroom and tries to go to her room. She’s suddenly yanked off-course when Luan heads for her own room. She gives Luan a look.]''

Lisa: Seriously?

Luan: My bed’s bigger than yours. It can hold the both of us if you don’t mind a bit of snuggling.

Lisa: I would prefer to be near my equipment so I can call Dr. J as soon as possible.

Luan: Well, what do you expect me to do, then? Sleep on the floor in your room?

[Lisa raises an eyebrow at Luan.]

Luan: [deadpans] You honestly expect me to do that, don’t you?

Lisa: As the parlance goes, you made your bed; now lie in it.

Leni: Wait, like, I’m confused. Are you telling her to lie in her bed or on the floor?

[Lisa groans and facepalms.]

Luan: [sighs] Alright, fine. Can I at least get my sleeping bag?

Lisa: [begrudgingly] I suppose that’s reasonable.

[Luan drags Lisa into her room and fetches a sleeping bag from her closet.]

Lisa: Okay, Luan. Before we go to bed, I just want to ask you a few questions. Are you hungry?

Luan: Nope.

Lisa: Thirsty?

Luan: No.

Lisa: Do you need to use the facilities?

Luan: No.

Lisa: [nods] Good. Then let’s go to sleep and have no further incident.

''[Lisa drags Luan to her room. Luan rolls out the sleeping bag on the floor. Lisa climbs into bed, allowing her arm to dangle off the side. Luan crawls into her sleeping bag.]''

Luan: Good night, Lisa.

Lisa: [grumpily] Yes, goodnight. Please try not to toss and turn in your sleep.

''[The two of them settle down for bed. After a brief pause, Luan notices something amiss. She yanks on the handcuffs softly.]''

Luan: [whispering] Hey, Lisa.

Lisa: What?

Luan: You forgot to ask if I wanted a pillow.

[After a beat, a pillow flies into Luan’s face.]

Lisa: Good night, Luan.

Luan: [sighs] Yeah, ‘night. [grumbles under her breath] You don’t need to be a jerk about it.

***

''[The next morning, Lisa gets out her laptop and starts setting up her webcam. Luan is off to the side shuffling a deck of cards.]''

Lisa: Would you please find some other way to occupy yourself? I require both hands for this.

Luan: Sure thing. I actually have a fun game we can play. ''[she fans out the cards face down on the table. Lisa looks at the cards for a moment, and then raises an eyebrow at Luan]''

Lisa: Um, what are you doing?

Luan: Pick a card. Any card.

[Beat]

Lisa: Luan, I don’t have time for your tomfoolery. Obviously, you’ve marked one of the cards before shuffling the deck, and you're presenting them in such a way that the marked card is the one I pick.

Luan: [pouts] Tell me, Lisa. Would it honestly kill you to play along just one time? I don’t feel like I’m asking for much here.

Lisa: I’m sorry, Luan. My mind is simply too sharp to be fooled by your parlor tricks, and these handcuffs are no exception.

Luan: [sneers] Then why are you asking your colleagues at the institution for help?

[Lisa snorts and gives Luan a glare.]

Lisa: Just because I haven’t figured out the trick doesn’t mean there isn’t a trick. Or do you honestly expect me to believe that these handcuffs can magically sense how much I believe in their mystical properties?

[Luan sighs and shakes her head.]

Luan: You still don’t get it, do you?

Lisa: Oh? And what is it that I don’t get?

[Luan sits down and forces Lisa to sit on her lap.]

Luan: I think it’s time I told you my joke about the magician and the parrot. Now, it’s a bit of a long one, so try to bear with me, okay?

Lisa: Can this wait for after we are free of this contraption? I need to call…

Luan: I promise, you can call your little friends after I tell you my joke.

Lisa: [huffs and pouts] Fine. But make it quick.

[Luan nods and clears her throat.]

Luan: So, there’s this magician on a cruise liner, and he’s performing his act for the passengers. However, all throughout the act, the captain’s pet parrot keeps spoiling his tricks. He keeps blurting out stuff like “It’s in his hat! Brawk~!” or “It’s up his sleeve! Brawk~!”  Eventually, the magician gets so fed up with the bird that he takes out a gun and shoots at him.

[Lisa’s eyes go wide.]

Lisa: Oh my. That… sounds a bit extreme.

Luan: Oh, I haven’t gotten to the best part yet. See, the magician misses the parrot and hits the engine room, causing the entire cruise liner to blow up.

Lisa: [deadpans] And that just sounds contrived.

Luan: [shrugs] That’s comedy for ya. Anyway, let me finish.

Lisa: [sighs] Fine, fine.

Luan: So, out in the wreckage, the only survivors are the magician and the captain’s parrot. The parrot looks around the debris, and then turns to the magician and says “Okay, I give up. Where’s the dang ship?”

[Beat]

Lisa: Something tells me that this is supposed to be allegorical.

Luan: Yes. Go on.

Lisa: [furrowing her brow] Am I correct to presume that the parrot in your joke is a representation of my behavior during your magic act?

Luan: You presume correctly.

[Beat]

Lisa: [sighs] I’m afraid I’m still at a loss. You go up on that stage, and you expect everyone to just accept that you have all of these mystical powers; that you’re able to bend the very fabric of reality to your will. I’m sorry, but as a woman of science, I just can’t buy it. Why are you forcing me to?

Luan: I’m not asking you to buy it. More like… rent it.

Lisa: [tilting her head] Excuse me?

Luan: Lisa, I don’t really have magic powers. You know this; I know this. Heck, I’m pretty sure most of our family knows it. But there’s an important piece to the puzzle that you’re missing.

Lisa: And what piece is that?

Luan: It’s a piece called “Who freaking cares?”  I’m not trying to do the impossible; I’m just putting on a show. And you’d enjoy that show a lot more if you just left your disbelief on a hook at the door and simply allowed yourself to be taken in by the spectacle.

Lisa: [thoughtfully] And when I kept pointing out how everything was a ruse, it drew our family out of the experience.

Luan: Exactly. You get it now?

[Beat]

Lisa: I… believe so. But there’s one thing I don’t understand.

Luan: Shoot.

Lisa: [lifting up her shackled hand] Why do this? You could’ve just told me how you felt, but instead, you put both of us through this unnecessary torture.

Luan: [chuckles] Lisa, c’mon. What kind of performer would I be if I let every skeptical stick-in-the-mud derail my act like that? As they say in the business, the show must go on. And I figure if people like that are gonna try and ruin everything, I might as well teach them a lesson by having my own bit of fun.

Lisa: So, in summary, this was all an elaborate prank to teach me a lesson in humility?

Luan: Well, that and suspension of disbelief, but yeah.

[Beat]

Lisa: Very well, Luan. You win. I’ll try things your way.

Luan: As in actually try it?

Lisa: Affirmative. If you believe that I have learned my lesson, then we should get out of these handcuffs. That’s my working hypothesis, anyway.

Luan: Fair enough. Alright, on three. One, two, three, boomph~!

Lisa: [with gusto] Boomph~!

''[They pull against each other, and sure enough, the cuffs snap open. Luan and Lisa rub their wrists.]''

Luan: See? Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Lisa: I… suppose not. [sighs] Luan, I owe you an apology. It wasn’t my place to disrupt your performance like I did. I shouldn’t have imposed my worldview on everyone else.

Luan: And?

[Beat]

Lisa: You really want me to say it, don’t you?

Luan: [slyly] We both know you’re thinking it.

Lisa: [sighs] Very well. I… suppose there is no harm in indulging in fantasy every once in a while.

Luan: [smiles] I’m glad you finally understand. I knew you’d figure it out.

Lisa: [blinks] You did? How could you have possibly known that a hard-line skeptic like myself would concede to your rationale?

Luan: [ruffles Lisa’s wig] Because you’re Lisa Loud, the brightest four-year-old I know. There’s nothing you can’t figure out. It’s part of your charm, after all.

Lisa: [smirks] Touché, my clever jester of a sibling. Touché.

''[The two of them share a hug. After a beat, they sniff each other and cringe.]''

Lisa: I believe a shower is in order for the both of us.

Luan: [plugging her nose] Agreed.

''[The two of them venture out into the hallway, lining up behind the other siblings. After a beat, Lisa turns to Luan.]''

Lisa: Just one last question.

Luan: What’s up?

Lisa: How did those handcuffs work, exactly? I assume they were designed in such a way that ample force had to be exerted on both sides for them to open like they did. Such a fascinating specimen. I wouldn’t mind running a few tests later…

[Lisa continues to ramble while Luan turns to the audience.]

Luan: I guess I can’t fault her too much. Some people like the spectacle of the illusion; others like trying to figure out how the trick works. But at least now she won’t act like such a grumpy know-it-all anymore. At least when it comes to my magic tricks, anyway. I’m not exactly a miracle worker here.

''[The line moves forward as Luna emerges from the bathroom. She notices Luan and Lisa are free from the cuffs and smirks.]''

Luna: [teasingly] Well, well. Looks like you found a way out of those cuffs after all. So, tell me, Brain Box. Is it true? Do you believe in magic?

Lisa: [smirks] Negatory. However, I believe I am now able to suspend that disbelief for the sake of the spectacle. At least until I can find peers who also enjoy deconstructing the illusion.

Luan: In that case, might I recommend Penn and Teller? That’s pretty much their whole schtick, and they’re two of the most-respected magicians in the business. Not to mention they’ve got a terrific sense of humor, and they’re pretty smart, too.

Lisa: You don’t say. I’ll have to keep that in mind.

''[Luna shrugs and makes her way back to her room. Lisa and Luan are next in line.]''

Luan: [gestures] After you. I think I’ve put you through enough.

Lisa: Thank you, sibling.

[After Lisa ventures into the bathroom, Luan turns back to the audience.]

Luan: You’re probably wondering how those cuffs work, too, huh? Especially since we had a few close calls with Lisa’s gizmos potentially ruining everything. Well, sorry to disappoint, but even though I’m about to take a shower, I have no intention of coming clean on that. [laughs] Get it? But seriously, I’m just gonna leave that up to your imagination. It’s more fun that way. Oh, and before I forget…

''[Luan throws a deck of cards into the air, scattering them all over the hallway. She catches one between her fingers and shows it to the audience. It is the 8 of Spades.]''

Luan: Was this your card? [she winks]

The End

Triva

 * Most birthday magicians I've seen growing up actually do make it appear as though they're not in control of their illusions, hence why Luan's act has so many "blunders."
 * The montage was originally just Lisa trying to get out of the cuffs, but I figured I'd sprinkle in some everyday tasks in there, just to showcase how troublesome it was for Luan and Lisa to be handcuffed together like they were.
 * When Luna discovers that Lisa has gotten out of the Skeptic's Shackles, she teases her by referencing the song Do You Believe In Magic by The Lovin' Spoonful.