User blog comment:MrAnimatedToon/Fanfiction - Gamers and Siblings/@comment-31022739-20180302041533

Eh...it was fine. I appreciated how you were trying to sell the idea that Lynn's not an abusive sister, but the message was a little botched.

Gwen, herself, was the biggest problem I had. If I had to put her involvement in the story downto one word, it would be "forced". From just one afternoon of playing arcade games, she "can just tell" quite a lot about Lynn and her relationship with her brother, as if she were a viewer of the show looking in. She just dosn't feel all that natural of an OC because her perspective is way too knowledgable for someone who's supposed to be an in-universe creation. It kinda makes Lynn's character development come across as disingenuous when someone spoonfeeds her the vital introspection instead of her connecting the dots on her on.

Otherwise, I really don't see any other areas I have a problem with. The grammar is good, the story is alright, and the characterization wasn't jarring at all. I'd give this a 7.5/10 on a scale of 1 to 10.