User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: Sticks and Stones

I actually debated with myself for a while over whether to make this a script fic or a standard story, but in the end, I figured there wasn't enough here to turn into an episode in its own right. Thus, I stuck to the standard format, though you can see hints of why I thought it'd be better in script form. Anyway, enough about that. Here's the Loud House's resident jokester Luan Loud in:

Sticks and Stones
“So there’s this pony who’s a famous singer, and she walks into the bar. The bartender recognizes her and asks if she’d like to sing on their stage. And the pony says: ‘No, sorry. I’m a little hoarse.’”

Luan Loud was greeted by hearty guffaws from the usual patrons at the Chortle Portal. She grinned, breathing an inward sigh of relief. Tonight, she was experimenting with a new joke format, namely using ones with longer setups rather than her usual style of rapid-fire puns. While she of course enjoyed this style of comedy as much as the next person, she had her doubts about pulling it off. But thus far, she was knocking them dead, just like always. Smiling, she decided to move on to her next bit.

“Say, Mr. Coconuts. How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?”

She hoisted Mr. Coconuts up and had him reply; “I dunno, toots. How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?”

Luan shrugged. “Just open the door and shove him in. Now, how do you get—?”

“Wait, that’s it?! You stink!”

Luan suppressed the urge to groan. Being a comedian living with ten siblings, she was no stranger to hecklers trying to ruin her show. Looking out into the crowd, she spotted the offending audience members right away. Two burly boys; one with black hair obscuring his eyes, and the other with a crewcut and a missing tooth. She recognized them right away as the two bullies who almost ruined Halloween for her sister, Lucy. With a shrug, she continued as though they weren’t even there.

“As I was saying, how do you get a giraffe into a refrigerator?”

“Let me guess!” one of the bullies jeered. “Open the door and shove him in?”

Luan sneered back. “Nope. You open the door, take the elephant out, and then shove him in!”

The audience roared with laughter. The two hecklers, however, didn’t seem too pleased. Satisfied, Luan continued.

“Now, the lion has just called a meeting of all the animals. They all manage to make it except for one.”

“Oh, gee!” gasped Mr. Coconuts. “Who flaked out on the meeting?”

“The beaver! ‘Cause she was on stage telling lame jokes!”

“Heh heh! Good one, Hank!”

Luan snorted angrily and shot the hecklers a death glare. She was clearly not alone, as the other audience members were also becoming annoyed by the constant interruptions.

“Excuse me? Beaver?” she said, tapping her foot. “Is that really the best you can do? How about you leave the comedy to the professionals, eh?”

“What professionals?” Hank countered. “I don’t see any professionals here. Do you, Hawk?”

“Nope! Just some long-winded beaver who stinks on ice!”

Boos and hisses echoed throughout the audience, and the hecklers continued their mockery.

“See? Everyone here agrees!” Hank said smugly. “You couldn’t be funny if your life depended on it!”

“Are you joshing me right now?” Luan yelled. “They’re not booing me; they’re booing you boneheads!”

“Oh, look! An actual joke!” Hawk scoffed. “Why would we be booed? You’re the one who’s bombing!”

Luan scoffed back. “And here I thought I was supposed to be the dummy!” she had Mr. Coconuts say.

“Aw, lookit, Hawk! She still plays with dollies!” Hank guffawed. “No wonder she’s so terrible!”

“Well, what do you expect?” Hawk said with a shrug. “She is a Loud.”

Luan gasped. Up to this point, the heckling had been par for the course for her. It was nothing she couldn’t handle. But even through her thick skin, that last barb struck a nerve. She glowered at the two.

“What did you just say?” she asked.

“Heh, check it out, bro. Unfunny and hard of hearing,” Hank taunted. The two of them marched up to the stage, sneering at Luan. “Don’t think we don’t recognize your name, Loud. You guys thought you were so clever, ruining our fun last Halloween.”

“Yeah. Well, consider this payback,” Hawk chimed in. “Hank and I are gonna roast you alive, beaver.”

Luan blinked. “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard a lot of dumb things.”

“Oh really? Must’ve been all those stupid jokes you came up with!” Hank jeered.

“Get off the stage, you jerks! You’re not funny!” hollered one of the patrons.

Hawk merely chuckled. “Listen to that, Loud. They’re playing your song.”

Luan deadpanned. “Wow, you guys are dense.”

“Not as dense as that wimpy brother of yours!”

Once again, the jab hit its mark. Luan took a deep breath to calm herself down.

“So, that’s your big plan to roast me, huh? Go after my family?” she said. “You’re pathetic.”

“I know you are, but what am I?” Hawk taunted.

Luan rolled her eyes. “Oh, gee. I’ve never heard that one before.”

“Then how about this one? I bet even your family doesn’t laugh at your jokes!”

Luan let out a low growl. It was true, of course. Her family didn’t always laugh at her jokes. And once upon a time, she took that too personally and almost left the comedy business. That was all in the past, of course. She knew better now. However, it never felt good to have an old wound reopened.

“So what if they don’t?” she snarled. “That doesn’t matter to me. I still love them.”

“Well, I guess someone has to love you losers,” said Hank.

“My family are not losers,” Luan growled through gritted teeth.

“Really? What about Ms. Farts-a-Lot?!” Hawk asked. “Or what about your dorky dad with his stupid cowbell?! Oh, and how could I forget the wimp who was so dumb that he scored for the wrong team?!”

Luan gnashed her teeth and clenched her fist. She could feel her blood reaching a boiling point. Her eyes stung as they welled up with tears. These two were crossing a line that even she wouldn’t dare cross. Even so, she refused to give them the satisfaction of breaking her. But what else could she say? They were obviously too oblivious and obnoxious to take a hint. Finally, she took in a deep breath and let it out in a sigh.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” she quipped.

Hank and Hawk looked at each other for a moment. Suddenly, they sneered.

“We were hoping you’d say that,” Hank cackled.

He then brandished a baseball back while Hawk took out a slingshot. Luan’s pupils shrank. She didn’t know whether to laugh at the clever retort or scream for security. Luckily, she didn’t have to. Before either of the hooligans could hurt her, Chortle Portal’s security rushed the stage.

“Okay, you two. Let’s go,” said the guard sternly.

Hank snorted. “Fine! Hide behind your fancy security! It’s not gonna change the fact that your family are a bunch of losers!”

The two boys were ushered out of the building, leaving Luan alone. She looked out into the audience, who watched her expectantly. More than half of them appeared concerned. Luan stood there, still as a statue. She tried to move onto her next joke, but she couldn’t even muster up a smile. She sighed.

“That’s all for tonight, folks,” she said glumly. “Don’t forget to tip your waiters, and please drive home safely.”

She descended the stage with a heavy heart. As she walked by the audience, many of them offered their condolences and tried to cheer her up. Nevertheless, she kept her head held high, refusing to show how much the words of her hecklers stung.

Only when she left the Chortle Portal did she allow herself to cry.

***

Tears still marred Luan’s vision as she approached her front door. She slammed it open forcefully, almost breaking it off its hinges. This managed to catch the attention of Lincoln and Lori, who were playing video games on the couch. Lori looked at Luan and raised an eyebrow.

“Let me guess. Rough crowd tonight?” she asked.

Luan shook her head. “No. Not really. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

She slowly trudged up the stairs to her room. Lori and Lincoln looked at each other for a moment.

“We’re not gonna leave her like that, are we?” Lincoln asked.

Lori let out a soft snicker. “We wouldn’t be meddling siblings if we did,” she said half-jokingly. “C’mon.”

They paused their game and followed Luan upstairs. She was pacing back and forth out in the hallway, grumbling to herself.

“No, no, no no no no no,” she muttered. “They cannot just do that. They cannot. There is yuh, and there is no, and that was just… no! No, no, a thousand times no!  Which is no!”

Lori sucked in a breath through her teeth. “Yeesh. I have literally never seen Luan get this peeved before.”

Lincoln cleared his throat. “Hey, Luan? Are you okay?”

Luan sighed and gave Lincoln a look. “I already said I didn’t want to talk about it. Just… leave me alone.”

She opened the door to her room, and she was immediately greeted by a familiar din. Luna was jamming away on her guitar while Lynn Sr. accompanied her on his signature cowbell. Luan let out a groan, which caught Lynn Sr.’s attention. He frowned.

“Hey, uh, Luna? Let’s take five,” he said.

Luna stopped playing and blinked. “Huh? What’s up, Pop-star?”

Lynn Sr. said nothing, but simply looked over to Luan. Luna turned her head, and her brow furrowed.

“Oh,” she said. She put away her guitar and walked up to her younger sister. “Sheesh, Luan. You look like you’re ready to start singin’ the blues. What’s got you so down, little sis?”

Luan looked off to the side and rubbed her arm. “I-I dunno. Guess I just… wasn’t on my game tonight.”

“They didn’t like the longer jokes, huh?” Lynn Sr. asked. He sighed. “Well, you know comedy is subjective, honey. You can’t always please—“

“No. The jokes were fine,” Luan interrupted. “It’s just…”

She looked at her father, and then at Lori and Lincoln, who were standing in the doorway. She let out a sigh and collapsed onto the beanbag chair.

“I got heckled tonight,” she revealed.

Lincoln tilted his head. “So? You’re used to that, right?”

“Normally,” said Luan, staring down at the floor. “It comes with the territory, y’know? After hearing so many people groan at my jokes or try to hijack my show, I’ve gotten used to it.”  She looked up and smirked. “Especially living with you guys.”

Lori looked off to the side and rubbed the back of her head. “U-um…”

Luan chuckled. “Don’t worry about it, Lori. I get it. It’s like Dad said; comedy’s subjective. Not every joke I make is gonna get a huge laugh. I accept that.”

Her smile faded as she returned her gaze to the floor. “But this was different. I mean, it started out normal enough. Two bozos wanted to ruin my bit, so I fought back with my wit. That’s what good comedians are supposed to do. But then they made it… personal.”

“How personal are we talkin’, brah?” Luna inquired.

Luan sniffled. “Th-they went after you guys.”

There was a collection of gasps.

“Wh-what do you mean, they went after us?” Lincoln asked. “How’d they even know us?”

“Remember those two punks that nearly ruined Halloween last year?”

Lincoln’s eyes went wide. “Oh no.  It wasn’t…”

Luan nodded. “It was.”  She brushed her nose with her sleeve. “They went after you for that football game; they went after that embarrassing video you made of Lori. Heck, they even mocked Dad’s cowbell.”

Lynn Sr. scowled. “Why those no-good hooligans. That is just low.”

“Preachin’ to the choir there, Pop-star,” said Luna. “No wonder you look so down, sis. But, why were they harassing you like that?”

“They said it was payback for tricking them last Halloween.”

Lori blinked. “That… literally makes no sense.”

“I’m with you there, Lori. We didn’t start that fire,” Luna concurred.

“Look, I don’t get it, either,” said Luan. “All I know is that those two refused to take a hint. They were so dense, they thought that the crowd was booing me when they were telling them to get off the stage. Just… how am I supposed to work with that?”

“Yeah, that does sound frustrating,” said Lincoln, scratching his head. “And wow, those two can hold a grudge.”

Luan’s face darkened. “Oh, you don’t know the half of it. See, it got to the point where I was running out of ammunition, and I couldn’t think of anything else to say that’d get them to stop. So, I just went with the oldest standby in the book.”

“What old standby?” asked Lori.

“Y’know, the whole stick and stones thing.”

“You had to resort to that old line?” said Lincoln. “Geez, Luan. Even I know that phrase is a load of baloney.”

“I was desperate, okay?!” Luan snapped. She immediately rebuked herself when she saw Lincoln’s pained expression. “Sorry, sorry.”

“I-it’s okay, Luan. We get it,” said Lori with a sigh. “I guess they didn’t back off after that one, huh?”

Luan shook her head. “No. In fact, I think they wanted me to say that.”

“Why do you think that?”

“‘Cause the next thing I knew, they took out a baseball bat and a slingshot.”

There was another collective gasp.

“OMG, Luan! They literally tried to hurt you?!” Lori exclaimed. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?! Hang on, I’ll go get the First Aid kit!”

“N-no, it’s fine. I’m fine,” said Luan. “Security got ‘em before they could do anything.”

Lori breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, thank goodness for that, at least. Still, yikes.”

Lynn Sr. sighed and took a seat next to Luan. “Listen, honey. I know how frustrating it can be dealing with people like that. But for what it’s worth, I’m glad that you had the strength to fight back to the bitter end, even if it didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.”

Luan sniffled. “Th-thanks, Dad. But, I-I still can’t get over this. What was their plan, exactly? Did they just think I’d get embarrassed of you guys and run home crying?”  She let out a sad chuckle as a few tears escaped her eyes. “Wow. I just realized. I shouldn’t have gotten riled up like I did. I mean, look at us! We tease each other all the time! Why should I care if someone else does it?”

Lincoln frowned and shook his head. “You don’t mean that, Luan. Those jerks don’t know us like we know each other. They had no right to say what they said.”

“You of all people should know that comedy is not about being mean just for the sake of being mean,” Lynn Sr. added. “You guys teasing each other and them mocking us is not the same thing.”

“And we certainly don’t blame you for getting upset,” Lori chimed in. “We know you love us as much as we love you. It’s their fault for fighting dirty, not yours for caring too much.”

Luan was silent for a time, processing everything her family told her. Her cheeks slowly turned red, and she sighed.

“Yeah. You’re right. I was beaten by a couple of total amateurs,” she said. “The only clever thing they did was that response to the sticks and stones thing, and that just got them kicked out of the building. The rest was just them going for low-hanging fruit. I could do a better job roasting you guys. I-I shouldn’t have let them—“

She was interrupted by Lynn Sr. placing a firm hand on her shoulder.

“Like Lori said, it’s not your fault,” he assured her. “It happens to the best of us. Believe me, I dealt with plenty of bullies when I was your age. And there’s one thing you should understand about bullies.”  He looked around at the rest of the siblings. “And this goes for the rest of you, too.”

Luan sniffled. “Wh-what’s that, Dad?”

“More than anything else, bullies are by in large a bunch of cowards deep down. They use brute force to keep others down, but if you back them into a corner, you’ll find they’re not as threatening as you once thought.”

“You’re not wrong there, mate,” Luna said, switching to her British accent. “Heck, the only reason those blighters ‘ave their knickers in the twist is ‘cause we scared the p—“

She stopped short when Lynn Sr. shot her a stern look, gesturing to Lincoln. Luna blushed and cleared her throat.

“‘C-cause we scared the pants off of ‘em last Halloween,” she said, concluding her thought. She folded her arms and pouted. “I-I was gonna say ‘pants.’”

Luan let out a giggle at Luna’s embarrassment. Lynn Sr. ended up chuckling along with her.

“Now there’s my happy little jokester,” he said, patting Luan on the shoulder. “Feeling better, honey?”

Luan smiled and gave her father a hug. “Much. Thanks, you guys.”  After a pause, her smile became more sinister. “In fact, I think I have an idea for how to get back at those boneheads.”

“You sure you’ll be able to have a chance to do that?” asked Lori, scratching her head. “I mean, after what they tried to pull, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were banned from the Chortle Portal for life.”

“I can pull a few strings with the management. They know me,” said Luan. “But here’s the thing. I’m gonna need all of your help. Think you guys’ll be free to see me perform tomorrow?”

The others thought for a moment. Lincoln shrugged.

“Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I wouldn’t miss that show for the world,” he said.

“Yeah, I think I can reschedule my girl’s night with Carol for another day,” said Lori. “This is more important.”

“Count me in too, little sis,” said Luna.

Lynn Sr. nodded. “Of course, honey. I’ll ask Sergei to let me off early. He shouldn’t mind.”

He then got up and went out into the hallway, banging his cowbell for everyone to hear.

“Family meeting, Louds!” he hollered. “I except to see everyone in the dining room in five minutes!”

“So. What’s the plan, Luan?” Lincoln asked.

Luan smirked and tapped the side of her nose with her finger. “Oh, you’ll see…”

***

The following night, it was another full house at the Chortle Portal. The Loud family had found themselves a table right in front of the stage.

“I still think Luan should just let me kick ‘em in the nuts,” Lynn grumbled.

“Easy there, Lynn. I’m sure Luan knows what she’s doing,” said Lori.

“How do we even know they’re going to show up?” Lucy inquired.

“Luan said she has her ways. Don’t ask me what she meant by that,” Luna said with a shrug.

Just then, the lights dimmed, and the MC appeared on stage.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Chortle Portal!” he said. “Have we got a show for you tonight! You know her, you love her, and she’s going to give you a show you won’t forget! Please give a warm round of applause for Royal Woods’s very own, Luan Loud!”

The was a large round of applause as Luan made her way onstage with Mr. Coconuts in hand. Despite the events of the previous night, she still wore a big smile on her face as though nothing was out of the ordinary. She walked up to the microphone and cleared her throat.

“Good evening, Royal Woods!” she said. “Hope you’re ready to get your socks knocked off, ‘cause Mr. Coconuts and I have a great show for you tonight. Isn’t that right, Mr. Coconuts?”

“Sure is, toots,” said Mr. Coconuts. “Say, Luan.”

“Yes, Mr. Coconuts?”

“Why did the bear run through a brick wall?”

Luan shrugged. “I don’t know, why?”

Mr. Coconuts gave Luan a look. “How should I know? I’m asking you the question.”

Luan gave the audience a blank look, and she was greeted by a modest bit of laughter. Even her family found themselves chuckling.

“Okay, I’ll admit. That one was pretty good,” said Lori with a snicker.

“Indeed, but it’s quite curious,” Lisa mused. “This particular style of humor is not part of Luan’s typical repertoire.”

“Well, she did say she wanted to experiment with new jokes, sweetie,” Rita said with a shrug.

Satisfied, Luan moved on to her next bit. “So, a blind man walks into a bar. Luckily, he wasn’t running, or he would’ve been seriously hurt.”

Once again, there was a modest bit of laughter. This time, however, Luan could hear some mutters of confusion. She grinned. Now was the time for Phase Two of her plan.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will perform the funniest, most uproarious joke you’ve ever heard!” she announced. “You’ll laugh; you’ll cry; you’ll wet your pants! Behold, my masterpiece of comedy!”

The audience looked on, tense with anticipation. However, Luan didn’t even say a word. She simply left the stage.

“Wait, what?” Lola asked, scratching her head. “What’s she doing?”

“Maybe she’s just getting some props for her super epic joke or something,” Lana guessed.

Less than a minute later, Luan returned. She was carrying with her a bowl, a spoon, a pint of vanilla ice cream, and an ice cream scoop. She sat down on a stool and placed the bowl in her lap. While the audience muttered in confusion, she slowly and deliberately scooped out a bit of ice cream and plopped it into the bowl. She did this two more times before raising her spoon. Before she could enjoy her frozen treat, she heard a familiar shout from the audience.

“Ha ha! Look at her! She’s so depressed about how unfunny she is, she’s drowning her sorrows in ice cream!”

Luan looked up to where the heckling came from. Just as she suspected, it was Hank and Hawk. She grinned, and a sinister gleam twinkled in her eye.

Bingo, she thought. I knew those boneheads wouldn’t have the patience for anti-humor.

“Well well well. Look who’s back for another round,” she said. “Y’know, if you guys hate me so much, why do you keep coming here? Are you just gluttons for punishment or something?”

“We could ask you the same thing, beaver,” Hank shot back. “We’ll roast ya as many times as we like.”

Luan deadpanned. “Really? We’re back to the beaver thing again? Sheesh, no wonder you two resort to violence and taking potshots at my family. You’re terrible at this.”

“We’re better at it than you, beaver!” Hawk spat.

Luan shook her head. “No, you’re really not.”  She got up from her seat, leaving the bowl of ice cream sitting on the stool. “I mean, look at me. Just look at me! You have all this to work with, and the best you can come up with is making fun of my teeth? You didn’t even get that right!”

Hank scowled. “It’s not like you can do any better.”

Luan smirked and cracked her knuckles. “Watch me.”  She took up her microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have some special guests with us here at the Chortle Portal! I’d like you to meet my family, the Louds!”

Suddenly, a spotlight shined on the Loud family’s table. The Louds looked around in confusion.

“Should we be nervous?” Lincoln asked.

“I don’t know,” Lori confessed.

“Heh, check it out, bro,” Hank cackled. “She brought the whole loser crew with her.”

“Now we can roast ‘em all at once,” Hawk said with a sneer. “This oughta be fun.”

Luan chuckled mischievously. “Oh, it will be.”

Before the hecklers could say anything, Luan pointed to Lola.

“First, we have my little sister Lola, the most beautiful pageant princess Royal Woods has ever seen!”

Lola let out a nervous chuckle. “Oh please. I’m not that great. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I am.”  She started waving to everyone and blowing kisses.

“Yep, you’re a real gem, Lols,” said Luan. “I just hope those new teeth grow in soon. I’d hate for you to have these railroad spikes welded to your pretty smile.”

She pointed at her braces for emphasis. The crowd began laughing, while Lola gasped and covered her mouth in horror.

“Seriously, folks. Every time I look in the mirror, I expect to see a spec of broccoli trying to catch the 5:15 to Wisdom Teeth Ridge! My mouth’s so full of metal, you could yank me off stage with a magnet! I can’t even imagine how sweet little Lola would deal with that.”

As Luan shifted the attention off of Lola and onto herself, Lola began to feel a little less self-conscious. She chuckled along with her siblings.

“Yeah, she’s right. I wouldn’t know how to deal with that,” she admitted.

“And speaking of braces, have you ever noticed that I’m the one with the railroad spikes, yet my sister Lisa is the one with the lisp?” Luan continued. “What’s up with that?”

The audience laughed while Lisa simply furrowed her brow. “I’m not even offended. That’s actually a legitimate observation,” she mused.

Luan smiled at Lola. “But hey, don’t feel too bad about it, Lola. If you ever have tooth trouble, you can always go to Mom. She’s the best dentist I know. I have to say that, ‘cause the only other dentist I know is the guy who employs her.”

Rita giggled as the audience continued roaring with laughter. Hank and Hawk, meanwhile, simply looked on in stunned silence. Luan carried on.

“But seriously, folks. My mom is great at what she does. She doesn’t even need to waste money by using anesthesia! She just sits her patients down and reads them a chapter from that novel she’s working on. Y’know, the one she’ll publish when Lily goes off to college.”

Rita let out a chuckle. “I hate to admit it, but she’s got a point.”

“And speaking of Lily, I can’t imagine what smells worse: her diaper after eating strained cabbage and beets, or Lana after she does, well, anything.”

Lily giggled and cooed while Lana shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah, that sounds about right,” said she.

Luan’s grin turned menacing as she looked back at her hecklers. “Oh, wait. I know what smells worse. It’s these two boneheads’ poor attempts at comedy!”

The audience seemed to agree as they laughed and jeered at the two bullies. Hank snorted angrily.

“Wh-what’s going on?!” he demanded. “Th-that’s not funny! She’s the one who stinks, not us!”

“Yeah, no fair!” Hawk barked. “You can’t just make fun of yourself like that! That’s our job!”

“Yeah, well, you suck at your job, so I’m taking over,” Luan stated plainly. She turned back to her family. “Leni Loud the fashion powerhouse is with us tonight. I love her to bits, but her proportions are all off. She’s got a heart as big as a whale and the brain the size of an acorn.”  She sneered at Hank and Hawk. “So basically, she has you two beat on both counts.”

Laughter continued to echo throughout the club, with Lynn doubling over and rolling on the floor. Leni blinked in confusion.

“Wait, like, I don’t get it,” she said. “Is Luan making fun of me or complimenting me?”

“Just think of it as a little of both, honey,” said Lynn Sr..

“And then there’s ‘Winning’ Lynn Loud Junior. Strong as an ox, and about as smart,” said Luan. She turned back to the hecklers. “So again, she has you beat on both counts.”

“Oh man! Hope you have some aloe for that burn!” Lynn jeered.

Hank and Hawk seethed and gnashed their teeth while Luan simply continued her bit.

“Next we have our own little Lucy,” she said.

“Oh, you mean the spooky girl who could brighten a room just by leaving it?!” Hawk blurted out.

Luan scoffed. “Hardly. The thing about Lucy is that for such a young girl, she’s always looking towards the future. Y’know, when we’re all six feet under and she’s delivering the eulogy. Seriously, folks, she’s presided over so many mock funerals, she ought to be ordained!”

Lucy let out a little snort of a laugh as a small smile crossed her face. “She’s not wrong.”

“Wh-what the heck?! That’s not how this works!” Hank roared, glowering at Luan. “And you say you can roast ‘em better than we can. They’re not even crying!”

“Yeah! Now it’s our turn to show you how it’s done,” said Hawk, cracking his knuckles. He looked over at Lincoln. “I see your little dweeb of a brother is here. How’s it feel to be the Hazeltucky Hockers’s MVP, Loud?!”

Luan snickered. “Oh, please. If you think that’s Lincoln’s most embarrassing moment, you ought to see him cosplaying at an Ace Savvy convention.”  She then smirked at Lincoln. “Though good luck finding him through the hoard of fans trying to get a signed autograph of The Full House Gang #1.”

Lincoln chuckled and blush. “Actually, that hasn’t happened to me yet. Would be nice, though.”

Hank’s eyes shifted around as he tried to hide his discomfort. “W-well, uh…  What about Ms. Farts-a-lot over there?! She’s internet famous!”

Lori growled, but Luan simply raised her hand and shook her head.

“Oh, gee. Lori has a flatulence problem, and you called her out on it. How original,” she said, rolling her eyes. “See, the thing about Lori is that she shouldn’t care about that. She’s not really a sophisticated girl, after all. I know that because the last time she tried to be sophisticated, one guy spent her fancy party doing his homework in the corner.”

Lori laughed despite herself. “Oh yeah, I remember that. That was pretty dumb of me, huh?”

Hank and Hawk looked at each other nervously, sweat trickling from their brows. Neither of them had a clue what was going on.

“Y-yeah, well…  Your band sucks!” Hank sputtered. “Seriously, what kind of dork plays a cowbell at a rock concert?!”

“A dork with a vision, that’s who!” Luan retorted. “Granted, it’s a crazy kooky vision that only someone like my dad would come up with, but it’s a vision nonetheless!”

“You tell ‘em, honey!” Lynn Sr. proclaimed.

“And if you think our sound is awful, you must be deaf,” Luan continued, smiling at Luna. “Though if you are deaf, our front girl Luna’s probably to blame.”

Luna cackled and raised up her signature devil horn salute. “Dang right, little sis! I’m loud and I’m proud!”

Hank and Hawk snorted and rolled up their sleeves. “Okay, beaver! That is it!” Hank bellowed. “We don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but me and Hawk are gonna turn you into a human pretzel!”

Luan simply flashed the hecklers a confident smile. “As my too-smart-for-her-own-good sister Lisa would put it: ‘I believe the term you’re looking for ith Hawk and I,” she said, performing an imitation of Lisa’s voice.

Lisa snickered. “Wow. Do I really sound like that? Perhaps Luan’s observation about my lisp and her corrective dental wear is more accurate than I first presumed.”

“Shut it, Loud! You’re gonna get it!” Hawk roared.

Luan folded her arms. “Sticks and stones may break my bones…”

The bullies sneered and reached for their weapons.

“…but first, you gotta throw ‘em.”

Hank and Hawk suddenly froze in place. “Uh, wha?”

“Did I stutter? If you wanna hurt me, go ahead,” said Luan. She sat back down on the stool, placing the bowl of ice cream in her lap. “I told security to lay off you guys, so don’t worry about them. Come at me, bros.  Or are you two little doggies content to just bark all night?”

Hank and Hawk looked around at the audience, who were staring expectantly at them. They shivered and shook, clearly unprepared for that response.

“I-is this some kind of joke?” Hank sputtered.

Luan shrugged. “Why would you think that? According to you guys, I’m not the funny one here. So, go head. Use your clever retort to the whole sticks and stones line.”  She sneered at the two. “What’s the matter? Afraid of hitting a girl?”

“N-nuh-uh!” Hawk said. “You’re the one who should be scared!”

“See, I wonder about that,” said Luan thoughtfully. “Oh, by the way. You mentioned human pretzels before, right? Well, what a coincidence. That’s actually my sister Lori’s specialty. And just between you and me, she’s not a big fan of having her medical issues pointed out in front of people.”

Lori got up and cracked her knuckles. “You can say that again,” she said, glaring at the hecklers.

“S-stay back!” Hank yelped, waving his bat. “I-I’m warning you!”

“Hey, another thing just came to mind,” said Luan. “The only reason Lincoln messed up that football game was because someone on your team took Lynn out of commission. It wouldn’t have happened to have been one of you two, would it?”

Lynn snorted and punched her fist into her palm. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. I’ve been meaning to pay you back for that sprained ankle.”

“Y-you can’t prove that!” Hawk stammered. “S-stop messing with us!”

“You first,” Luan countered. “Because I seem to remember you saying you wanted to roast us as payback for Halloween. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you guys ruin our Halloween first? I don’t think our little Duchess of Darkness appreciated that.”

Hank and Hawk suddenly looked over to the Louds’ table, only to find that Lucy wasn’t there.

“O-okay, Loud! This isn’t funny anymore!” Hank yelled.

“I thought we were supposed to say it wasn’t funny to begin with,” said Hawk, prompting an elbow jab from Hank.

“Sh-shut up, bro!” Hank hissed through gritted teeth.

“Wow. Like, even I knew that wasn’t a smart thing to say,” said Leni. “Especially not to Luan’s face.”

“Yeah. You should’ve done it behind my back like everyone else!” Luan said with a laugh. “See? I told you I was better at this than you were!”

“Th-that’s not true!” Hawk snapped. “You, uh…  Your family is, um…  Me and Hank…”

“Hank and I,” Luan corrected, once again imitating Lisa.

“Wh-whatever!” Hawk sputtered. “You… you… you…”

The boys fell silent, running out of ammunition entirely. After a heavy silence, Luan spoke up.

“Doesn’t feel so good to have your backs to the wall, does it?” she said. “Just like Lucy said on Halloween, you reap what you sow. Oh, and speaking of Lucy, look behind you.”

Hank and Hawk swallowed and turned around. Sure enough, there stood Lucy, who somehow managed to sneak behind them without them noticing.

“Boo,” she stated.

The hecklers shrieked and dropped their weapons, running out of the Chortle Portal as fast as their legs could carry them. Luan then smiled and scooped up a spoonful of ice cream.

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my recipe for Loud Family Roast a la mode,” she said. She raised her spoon to the audience, as though she were offering them a toast. “Bowl appétit.”

As she helped herself to the spoonful of ice cream, the audience erupted into applause. Once Luan had her fill of ice cream, she stood up and waved to the crowd.

“Thank you, thank you. You’re all too kind, really,” she said. “But seriously, I couldn’t have pulled this off without the help of my wonderfully crazy family! Get on up here, guys!”

The Loud family complied, engulfing Luan in a large cuddle puddle.

“That’s my girl,” Lynn Sr. cheered, ruffling her hair. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”

“Yeah! I think that was your best routine yet!” said Lincoln.

Luan blushed and shrugged. “Like I said, I couldn’t have done it without you guys.”  She raised her spoon again. “Besides, Dad was right all along. Those two boneheads could dish it out, but they sure couldn’t take it! Not like you guys.”

Leni blinked. “Wait, I thought that was a bowl.”

After a pause, the Louds simply erupted into laughter while Leni gave them a blank stare. Luan looked out into the audience and shrugged again.

“That’s my family for ya,” she said. “Well, folks, I think it’s time we got home. I’ll be here all week! Don’t forget to tip your waiters, and please drive home safely!”

She raised another toast with her spoon. “Thank you, Royal Woods! Goodnight!”