User blog:Discofurby/Lincoln and the Chocolate Factory

Don't worry, I'm not one of those crazy nuts who gets off on inflation, I just thought this would be a good parody. Pretty much everyone knows about it, but in case you didn't know, it's a parody of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl.

One day, Lincoln Loud was opening up a chocolate bar he bought, when he found a notice on golden paper. It said:

Congratulations, you are a winner!

You've won a tour around Mr. Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

Meet me at the gates at ten o'clock AM sharp on the first of February and feel free to bring your family along,

And at the end you'll get a special prize beyond your wildest imagination.

Sincerely, Willy Wonka.

"Awesome!" cried Lincoln, throwing his hands into the air.

When he told his parents and sisters, they all cheered in unison, except for Lucy, Lisa, and Rita, who simply smiled.

"We're definitely all coming," said Lynn Sr.

"The first of February? That's tomorrow," said Rita.

The next morning, they were all waiting outside the factory when up came Mr. Wonka.

"Wow, that's a lot of you," said Willy Wonka, "Which one of you is the lucky one?".

"I am," said Lincoln, "My name is Lincoln Loud. These are my parents Rita and Lynn-" -Rita and Lynn Sr. shook Willy Wonka's hand-",

"-and my sisters, Lori-", "Literally an honor," said Lori-

"-, Leni,-" "I always thought Lenny was a boys' name," said Willy Wonka,

"-, Luna,-", "Rockin'!" said Luna as she did the Sign of the Horns with both hands,

"-, Luan,-" Luan squirted Willy Wonka with her joke flower,

"-, Lynn Jr,- " and Lynn showed off her backflip,

"-, Lucy-," Lucy just nodded,

"- ,Lana,-" "I would've brought all our pets but they said no," said Lana,

"- ,Lola,-" 'We're twins," explained Lola, holding Lana's hand and fluttering her eyelashes,

"- ,Lisa,-", "Pleased to make your acquaintance," said Lisa,

"-, and Lily." Lily cooed and waved.

"Well, pleased to meet you all," said Willy Wonka, and he led them all down a hall until they came to a tiny door.

"Why is the door so small?" said Lincoln.

"It's to keep all the chocolate-y flavour inside," said Willy Wonka and he took out a key and turned it, revealing that the small door was painted onto a larger door.

"Ha ha, good one," said Luan.

They entered the room and found what looked like a grassy field, but if one was to look closely, the entire landscape was made of candy. There was even a waterfall and river made of liquid chocolate.

"Everything here is edible," said Willy Wonka, "Technically, I am too, but that's cannibalism."

Lucy smiled and Luan gave an awkward laugh but everyone else was silent.

"Eat whatever you want!" said Willy Wonka.

"Even my sunglasses?" said Leni.

"No, Leni," sighed Lisa.

Soon, everyone was having fun. Lana even got down on all fours like a cow to eat the candy grass, and Lynn took the taffy apples off the tree by karate-chopping them.

"Who's that little person?!", said Lola.

"That's an Oompa-Loompa," said Willy Wonka, "They work for me and they come from a place called Loompaland where dangerous creatures tried to eat them, but the Oompa-Loompas were obsessed with cocoa beans, so I took them to work at my factory in exchange for all the cocoa beans they wanted."

"Odd, I've never heard of such a place and I have extensive knowledge about geography," said Lisa.

Unfortunately, Lily had crawled over to the chocolate river and was dipping her hands in and sucking on them, then she fell right in.

When they heard the splash, everyone shouted, "LILY!" and ran to the river.

"Grab my arm," said Lynn Sr, sticking out his arm.

Then, a large pipe came down from the ceiling and sucked Lily up.

"Where does the pipe go?!" demanded Lori.

"To the room where I make strawberry-flavored chocolate-coated fudge!" said Willy Wonka.

"Then she'll be made into strawberry-flavored chocolate-coated fudge!!" shouted Lynn Sr., "and they'll be selling her all over the world!".

"No," said Willy Wonka, "I woudln't allow it, the taste would be terrible. Can you imagine Lily-flavoured chocolate-coated Loud? Eww, no one would buy it."

Then, the Oompa-Loompas sang a song:

"Lily Loud, Lily Loud,

The baby of the family crowd.

Lily Loud, so small and vile.

So greedy, foul, and infantile.

'Come on!' we cry, 'The time is ripe,

To send her shooting up the pipe!'

But don't, dear children, be alarmed.

Lily Loud will not be harmed,

Although, of course, we must admit,

She will be altered quite a bit.

Slowly, wheels go round and round,

And cogs begin to grind and pound.

This greedy brute, this louse's ear,

Is loved by people everywhere,

For who could hate or bear a grudge,

Against a luscious bit of fudge?!".

After the Oompa Loompas had stopped singing, they were met with a collective glare from the rest of the Loud family.

"Not cool, dude," said Luna.

"Yeah, you literally wrote a song about making a baby into fudge," said Lori.

"And she's not greedy or vile!" said Lola.

"Nor is she a louse's ear, though I do like lice," said Lana.

"And need I point out the absurdity of calling Lily out for being infantile when she is an infant?" said Lisa.

"Don't worry," said Mr. Wonka, "The Oompa-Loompas were joking. Lily will be fine. You'll get her back by the end of the tour."

"That's not funny," said Luan, "And I should know: I'm a comedian."

Everyone then climbed into a boat that was floating on the river. He gave everyone a bit of the melted chocolate and they were happy to eat it, though they would've preferred it if Lily were there.

Soon, they got to a room marked "THE INVENTING ROOM".

"This shall be interesting," said Lisa.

Willy Wonka then showed them something called hair toffee, which would give you hair that came down to the floor, a moustache, and a beard.

"Why would I want a beard?" said Leni.

Mr. Wonka then showed them some everlasting gobstoppers, and some fizzy drinks which lifted you up into the air and you had to burp to come down.

"Neat!", said Lana.

Next, they came to a machine which printed out some gum.

"This," said Mr. Wonka, "Is a chewing-gum meal. The first part tastes like tomato soup, the second part tastes like roast beef, and the third part tastes like blueberry pie."

"Awesome!", said Lana, and she took a piece and started chewing.

"Spit it out!", said Mr. Wonka, but Lana wasn't listening and when it got to the blueberry pie, Lynn Sr. said, "What's happening to your nose?!".

"It's turning blue," said Lynn Jr.

"Well, I think it's more purple," said Leni.

"That's not important!" said Lincoln, "Now the rest of her's turning blue as well!".

Soon, Lana was dark purplish-blue all over, even her hair.

Then, she started to swell up until she was a huge, round ball with arms, legs, and a head sticking out. Thankfully, her clothes somehow stretched and stayed on.

"Sorry," said Mr. Wonka, "I haven't got it to work right and when it gets to the blueberry pie, they always end up as a blueberry."

"But I can't have a blueberry for a twin!" said Lola.

"Don't worry," said Mr. Wonka, "We just need to get her into the juicing room."

"The juicing room?!" said Lynn Sr.

"Yeah, they have to squeeze all the juice out of her."

"But what about her being blue?" said Rita.

"Just give her a bath every day and it'll wash out in a few days," said Mr. Wonka, "A week at the most."

And as the Oompa-Loompas rolled Lana into a boat, they sang another song:

"Listen close, listen proud,

To the tale of little Lana Loud.

This dreadful girl, she sees no wrong,

In chewing, chewing all day long.

She goes on chewing 'til at last,

Her chewing muscles grow so vast,

That from her face, her giant chin,

Sticks out just like a violin.

For years and years she chews away,

Her jaws get stronger every day,.

They take one big tremendous chew,

And bite the poor girl's tongue in two,

And that is why we we'd be so proud,

If we can save miss Lana Loud."

The rest of the family, once again, did a collective glare.

"She may be a slob," said Lola, "But she is not dreadful!".

"Yeah, I'd expect workers in a candy factory to be more sweet.", said Luan.

Next, Willy Wonka took the remaining Louds to an elevator which was made of glass.

He pressed a button and they went off, explaining that as well as up and down, the elevator could go sideways, longways, and "any other ways you can think of."

"Cool!" said Lynn Jr.

They arrived in a corridor where a door was marked "THE NUT ROOM."

"Sounds like another name for an asylum," joked Luan.

When they went in, they saw a bunch of squirrels tapping the nuts and then either throwing them into a hole in the floor or taking them out of the shells.

"What are they doing?" asked Lincoln.

"They're testing to see if the nuts are bad," said Willy Wonka, "When a nut is bad, it sounds hollow, so if a nut sounds hollow, it's a bad one and they throw it down the garbage chute."

Just then, Leni climbed over the fence and into the room, saying, "Oh, they're so cute. I totes want to adopt one!".

"LENI, NO!!" they all shouted, as a hundred squirrels pinned her to the ground: fifty on one side, forty-nine on the other, and one crawled up to her and tapped her on the head. Then, they dragged her into the garbage chute and she fell down screaming.

"Well, her head is a bit hollow," said Lynn Jr.

"Not funny, Lynn!," said Rita sternly.

Then, the Oompa-Loompas sang a third song:

"Leni Loud, the little brute,

Has just gone down the garbage chute,

And she will meet, as she descends,

A rather different set of friends.

A fish head, for example, cut,

This morning from a halibut,

An oyster from an oyster stew,

A steak that nobody could chew,

And lots of other things as well,

Each with its rather horrid smell."

The Oompa-Loompas, as you probably would've guessed, received another Loud family glare.

"I literally bunk with Leni and she would not be friends with garbage," said Lori, "That's more like Lana, another of my sisters who you slandered!"

"And where does the chute go?!" said Lynn Sr.

"To the incinerator," said Willy Wonka, "But don't worry-- they only light it on Tuesdays."

"Today is Tuesday!" said Lisa, and everyone burst into tears.

"I'm going to write her eulogy," said Lucy.

"You won't have to," said Willy Wonka, "I just remembered that the incinerator's broken."

"Hooray!", said everyone, wiping away their tears. Even Lucy and Lisa cheered, knowing their sister was still alive.

"I am still not keen on you being so casual about her possibly being literally burnt alive, though," said Lori.

"And calling her a little brute," added Lincoln, "What is it with you guys and calling my sisters names?!".

The rest of the Louds followed Mr. Wonka into the Great Glass Elevator.

"Sorry for all this inconvenience," he said, "To make up for it, how about one of you pick a room. What about... Lisa?".

Lisa picked a button marked "THE TELEVISION ROOM".

When they got there, some Oompa-Loompas dragged out a chocolate bar the size of a large mattress.

"It has to be big," explained Mr. Wonka, "Because, for instance, Mr. Loud, you're about 6'2, but if you appeared on TV-" (Lincoln gave a knowing wink to the audience)-"You'd be about as tall as a pencil. So this enormous chocolate bar gets broken down to teeny-tiny pieces, sent through the air, and lands on a TV screen regular-sized. Then, you can reach into the screen and eat it. Like so." The Oompa-Loompas pushed a button and a few seconds later, a chocolate bar appeared on the screen. Mr. Wonka reached in and handed it to Lori, who broke it apart and handed it around.

"How, though?" said Lori, "It was literally a picture on the screen."

"Could it send a person?" asked Lisa.

"Well, it could," said Mr. Wonka, "But I fail to see why I'd send a person."

"I volunteer to be the first to be sent by television in the name of science!" exclaimed Lisa, running towards the machine.

"Lisa, come back here!!" said everyone, but Lisa had already stepped on the button and disappeared.

"Don't worry," said Willy Wonka, "I'm pretty sure she'll be fine although there's a very slight chance only half of her will come back."

"Well, if she does end up as half the girl she used to be, I hope it's the top half," said Luna.

Soon, Lisa was on the television screen, all in one piece, but when they pulled her out, she was only two inches high.

"You're so cute, Lisa!" said Lola, then to the room, she said, "Look at her little glasses!".

The Oompa-Loompas then started up one last song:

"The most important thing we've learned,

As far as children are concerned,

Is never ever ever let,

Them near the television set.

It rots the senses in the head.

It kills imagination dead.

It clogs and clutters up the mind.

It leaves the child so dull and blind.

Her brain becomes as soft as cheese.

Her thinking powers rust and freeze.

She cannot think, she only sees.

Regarding Lisa Loud, you see,

We really must regret that we,

Will simply have to wait and see,

If we can get her back her height,

But if we can't, it serves her right."

The Louds, once again, gave the Oompa-Loompas a glare, and they said in unison, "NO, it does not!".

"And I find it rather odd how you are claiming that I am intellectually inferior when I have a PhD! I bet all of you didn't have PhDs when you were four!" said Lisa, who was currently sitting in Rita's hand.

Mr. Wonka then picked Lisa up and handed her to an Oompa-Loompa, who took her away.

"Where are you taking her?" asked Rita.

"To the taffy puller to stretch her back to her height," said Mr. Wonka, "She'll be thin as a wire at first, but don't worry-- she'll be back to normal before she goes to bed."

The tour then continued, with Mr. Wonka showing the rest of the Louds things like a mountain made of fudge and some birds that hatched out of chocolate eggs, and all sorts of stuff.

Finally, he said, "Lincoln, the prize is this: I'm going to retire soon, so how about you take over and have all your family live here?".

"I'd like to," said Lincoln, "But I'm going to have to say no. I have school and a social life. Besides, your workers did write diss tracks about four of my sisters. Speaking of which, where are they?".

Willy Wonka opened a door and out crawled Lily, who was covered from head to toe in chocolate.

"Lily!", said Lynn Sr. and picked her up, not caring that he was geting chocolate all over his sweater.

Then, Lana came running out, with blue skin and hair, followed by Leni, who was covered in garbage.

"Eww," she said, "It'll take forever to get all this out of my dress!".

Finally, out walked an extremely-thin Lisa, "Are you OK?" said Rita, picking her up and hugging her.

"I am uninjured," said Lisa, "Though I still do not know how a taffy puller managed to get me back to my desired height."

"Don't worry," said Lori, "He said you'll be back to normal before bedtime but we're literally never setting foot in this factory again!",

And the Louds all piled into Vanzilla and drove home as quick as they could so they could give Leni, Lana, and Lily a bath and wash Leni's dress.