User blog:MrTyeDye/Fanfic Review: Luan's Problem

Figured that now would be as good a time as ever to take a stab at this. Might actually help me get noticed in this community, who knows? :P

Before we start, let me do an overview of the rubric I'm going to use. I'll be evaluating the fic according to five criteria.

Story: the plot, story structure and pacing. Is the premise original, or does the author at least put an original spin on it? Are there any inconsistencies, or plot elements that don't make sense?

Prose: the way the author describes the events of the story, taking into account their usage of descriptive language, metaphors, etc. How much detail is provided? Is the narration written in a compelling, aesthetically pleasing way?

Mechanics: the quality of the writing from a purely technical point of view (spelling, grammar, formatting, that kind of thing).

Adherence to Canon: how faithful the fic is to the source material. Is everyone in character? Does their dialogue accurately mimic the way they speak on the show? And if they do act out of character, is there an adequate justification for it in-universe?

Immersion: the extent to which the author got me invested in the story. Did it make me laugh? Did it make me cry? Most importantly, did it make me care whether the protagonists succeed or fail?

Each category will be scored out of a possible 5, adding up to an overall score out of a possible 25.

Also, I should point out that my review will contain spoilers for the story, so if you've been meaning to read it, do it now before looking at this.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get started!

Luan's Problem by AustinDR
 Official Synopsis:  Luan never considers toning down her pranks. It takes someone she cares about getting hurt because of one of her reckless schemes, so now she's faced with the reality that rather than a comedian, she is heartless.

Full Synopsis:  Lincoln ends up getting seriously hurt - on his birthday, no less - after one of Luan's pranks goes awry. Her sisters, understandably furious, give her a thorough chewing out, even threatening to disown her. Later, at the hospital, she bumps into a psychotherapist named Dr. Blogsby and starts an impromptu session with him. During the session, she confides in him about the catalyst that caused her to become a serial prankster.

We flash back to Luan in fourth grade, and we're introduced to Ms. Bitterns, her needlessly cruel math teacher who constantly berates, belittles and insults her whenever she makes a mistake. The abuse gets so bad that she attempts suicide by overdosing on her ADHD pills, and it's only after a pep talk from her sisters that she promises not to try it again. The next day, through an unlikely series of events, Luan accidentally puts Ms. Bitterns through a humiliation conga - one so severe that she flees the classroom in shame. Luan's classmates all applaud her and shower her with praise.

We cut back to the present. After sharing a good, hearty laugh with Luan, Dr. Blogsby arrives at the root of Luan's problem. Ever since that day in fourth grade, she's been upping the ante on her pranks, in a desperate attempt to recreate that wonderful feeling she got when she humilated Ms. Bitterns. Dr. Blogsby, pressed for time, has to cut their session short, but he gives her his business card and invites her to call him whenever she needs help.

Luan then returns to Lincoln's hospital room, expecting the worst. Instead, her siblings embrace her, forgive her, and apologize for being so hard on her, insisting that they didn't mean a single word of what they said. In fact, while Luan was gone they were starting to worry that Luan would try to hurt herself again. Surprisingly (and heartwarmingly) even Lincoln forgives her, claiming that as long as he's spending his birthday with his loving family, then that's all that matters.

So that's the story in a nutshell. Let's break it down!

Story: In the wake of April Fools Rules, we've seen no shortage of fics that force Luan to face the consequences of her pranking. So in that regard, the premise of the fic isn't exactly novel. What is novel is the way the author tries to keep the reader in Luan's corner - and succeeds. AustinDR purposely has her set up a prank intended to be harmless that ends disastrously. While her sisters' anger is still quite justified (since her prank got Lincoln seriously hurt), to the reader she comes off as careless and short-sighted at worst, instead of actively malicious. By setting up the scene this way, the author makes the reader want to see Luan reconcile with her family, without making the rest of the family look unsympathetic for chewing her out.

I also admire the author's effort to get inside Luan's head and actually come up with a motivation behind all her pranking. She wants to feel as special and talented as she did back when she stuck it to Ms. Bitterns. She wants to hear that laughter, applause and adulation she received from her classmates all those years ago. That's really quite poignant.

I only have a couple of issues with the story, and they're both pretty minor. The first is that it's kind of iffy that Dr. Blogsby would just spontaneously decide to psychoanalyze Luan (free of charge, no less) after bumping into her in the hallway. But hey, maybe that's just the kind of person he is.

The other problem I have is the way Ms. Bitterns is written. I get that she was supposed to be mean, but her abuse of Luan is so over-the-top it borders on comical. She introduces herself by ripping off Luan's lapel flower because it's too "individual" and then calls her a failure in front of the whole class for getting a multiplication problem wrong. Dr. Blogsby even asks how she managed not to get fired, while I'm wondering how she even got employed in the first place.

But, again, those are minor issues, and overall, the story is splendidly put together. 4/5

Prose: This one I'm pretty divided on. On one hand, AustinDR shows a pretty high level of competence when it comes to setting a scene, using just the right amount of detail and painting a vivid picture. In fact, there was one moment that particularly impressed me in Chapter 2, when Luan first steps into Dr. Blogsby's office. He offers her some tea and she accepts, even as the narrator notes that she usually prefers coffee. That's actually a pretty clever way to demonstrate the fact that the normally manic, energetic Luan isn't feeling like herself.

On the other hand, the writing suffers from the occasional awkward turn of phrase or word cruft. To cite an example from the same chapter:

''Not one sound was made in the van that day; it was so quiet in fact that you could hear a pin drop and yet it wouldn't make any difference. Luan never made a quip during the entirety of the trip.''

If you ask me, the first sentence would have worked just fine if he cut out everything after the word "drop". I'm not even sure what the second part is supposed to convey. What wouldn't have made a difference, the pin dropping? How would that have made a difference otherwise? And meanwhile, the second sentence seems kind of redundant, since the first one already established that the van was totally silent.

Overall, I'll give the story a 3.5/5 for prose: admirable in some spots, awkward in others.

Mechanics: Regrettably, I'm going to have to dock points for this category, since there are more than a few technical issues with the fic. The biggest problem is that the narration randomly switches between past and present tense, often within the same paragraph and sometimes within the same sentence. Another problem is that the author sometimes neglects to start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking, which makes it a little hard to determine who's speaking when. Add in the occasional punctuation errors and typos (Luan says, "come down" at the start of Chapter 4 instead of, "calm down"), and you've got a fic that really could've used some proofreading.

It's a shame, because the content of the fic is great, but errors like that can be really distracting. 1.5/5

Adherence to Canon: No complaints here, really. AustinDR does a pretty solid job recreating the characters' voices, and the backstory he provides for Luan is pretty believable given what we've seen of her in canon. My only complaint is that Luan's sisters were a little too brutal in Chapter 1. Sure, they'd be angry (and rightfully so), but I don't think they'd go so far as to disown her. 4.5/5

Immersion: I have to give the author props, because this fic hit me right in the gut. I nearly cried after Luan's suicide attempt at the end of Chapter 2. Granted, that may just be because the fic hit pretty close to home for me, since I was picked on a lot in elementary school (and also I have ADHD). Regardless, I have to say that AustinDR really hit a home run in this department. 5/5

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Story: 4/5

Prose: 3.5/5

Mechanics: 1.5/5

Adherence to Canon: 4.5/5

Immersion: 5/5

FINAL SCORE: 18.5/25

So... what'd you think? Was I fair? Did you agree? Do you want to see me do another one of these?