User blog:Thomperfan/Insta-Gran (my version)

(It starts with a car pulls up into the Loud House)

Loud kids: "They're here!"

(They run to the door and Lincoln falls down. Just then I come in.)

Me: Hey, Linc! What’s going on today?

Lincoln: It's a big night at the Loud House. Pop-Pop's coming to dinner and he's bringing a very special guest!

Me: Cool! Who?

(Doorbell rings)

Pop-Pop: Hey, family, I'd like you all to meet my main squeeze, Myrtle.

Rita: "Nice to meet you, Myrtle! Let me introduce everyone."

Myrtle: Oh, no need. Let's see if I have this right: Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, Lola, Lisa and Lily.

Lily: (laughs)

Dad: Wow, in birth order! That's impressive.

Myrtle: Well, what's impressive is raising such delightful children. Although, I have to ask (points to me) Who is this dapper young man?

Rita: Oh, that’s Nolan, a friend of ours. He lives a few blocks away.

Myrtle: Ooh, such a nice name. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Noah.

Me: It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Miss Myrtle.

Myrtle: Oh, and such good manners.

Me: (I giggle)

Myrtle: Albert, can you take my coat?

(The family and I gives a thumbs up, Pop-Pop winks)

Myrtle: Lynn, your food is just heavenly!

Dad: Oh, you're sweet to say that.

Myrtle: Not as sweet as this corn! [winks]

Luan: [laughs] I can't have any, because I have braces.

Myrtle: Well the world better brace themselves for your pretty smile.

Luan: [laughs]

Myrtle: Oh, Lynn Jr., are those your trophies? Pop-Pop said you were named MVP on six different teams!

Lynn: Well, technically seven but they don't recognize air hockey yet.

Lisa: Has my paternal forebearer familiarized you with my achievements?

Myrtle: Oh, you bet. He told me all about your fecal research. Impressive stuff.

Lisa: Would you like to see some slides?

Mom: Maybe after dinner, sweetie.

[Later, in the living room Lincoln is showing Myrtle his Ace Savvy comic.]

Lincoln: So this is Ace Savvy, and here's his partner, One-Eyed Jack.

Myrtle: Card puns? How clever!

[Albert comes in the room, with Lynn Sr. and Rita.]

Pop-Pop: Sorry to break up the fun, but Myrtle and I should get going.

Loud Kids and I: Aww!

Myrtle: I'm sorry I didn't get to sample your mud pies, Lana.

Lana: It's OK, made you one for the road. [Gives them to Myrtle] Don't forget to heat before serving.

Myrtle: Thank you for everything. Oh, it was so wonderful meeting you all.

[We say goodbye.]

Lori: Come back soon.

Myrtle: [Laughs] I might just take you up on that.

Pop-Pop: Isn't she great? Good thing I stole her away from Seymour. [With a slightly hostile tone] That hound dog had his eye on her.

Myrtle: Yeah, his left one. Buh-bye!

[Parents laugh, and the siblings and I talk about how they loved Myrtle.]

Lisa: Myrtle, wait! My fecal slides!

[Trips on the stairs, dropping her fecal slides, much to the horror of her family and I, except for Lana, who was at the bottom of the stairs.]

Siblings, Parents and I: AAAH!

[Cuts to the outside of the house, where a loud crash is heard.]

THE NEXT DAY

[the siblings and I are coming home from school and are surprised to find Myrtle vacuuming the living room.]

Myrtle: Oh, hi fam! I found your hide-a-key!

Luna: [Confused] Uh, wasn't it under the thorn bushes?

Myrtle: Also, I found your bandages. [Shows her arms, which are very scratched up.] couldn't wait to get back over here and spend some more time with my 11 new grandkids and their friend. Speaking of which, surprise! I made these with my glue gun.

[Pulls out a homemade sweater.]

Lisa: [reading sweater] "Life is sweeter with a Gran-Gran"? Was your room well-ventilated when you worked with this glue?

Myrtle: I was thinking that maybe you kids could call me Gran-Gran! (to me) And you too, sweetie. Why don't you try 'em on? [Later, the 11 of us are wearing the sweaters, much to our displeasure.] Aw, you look so cute! Now come on, I have even more surprises!

[Lucy opens up her room, and sees that Myrtle colored it in her least favorite color.]

Lucy: [hisses] What have you done with my cobwebs?

Myrtle: Oh, sweetie. I tore them all down because they had spiders in them!

Lucy: Yes, Elijah, Amaria, and Little Jojo. May they rest in peace.

[Lays down on her bed.]

Lynn: Uh, where are my lucky jerseys? They should be in a big messy pile right here.

Myrtle: I took 'em to the dry cleaners. They got every last stain out.

Lynn: Oh, so everything that made them lucky.

Myrtle: Well, who needs luck when you have talent like yours?

[Later, Lisa is holding a conference call with some fellow scientists.]

Lisa: In conclusion, I have identified the necessary isotope for the- [Gets cut off by Myrtle.]

Myrtle: Oh, you're talking to your little science friends? Hi, I'm Lisa's Gran-Gran.

Lisa: Yes. We're in the middle of something important right now, perhaps you could excuse us?

Myrtle: Oh, you know what, you just do your thing like I'm not even here, and I'll just be tidying up!

Lisa: [growing nervous] I prefer you don't!

Myrtle: Ooh, these beakers are full of gunk!

Lisa: NO, WAIT! [explodes, crowd gasps]

[Later, Myrtle is giving Lincoln a haircut in the bathroom.]

Lincoln: I usually have a barber do this.

Myrtle: Well, why pay a stranger when you've got a Gran-Gran? There, [Lincoln comes out of the bathroom with a bowl cut, similar to Liam's.] You look so handsome!

Luan: That haircut really bowls me over.

(Cuts to me playing with Ertl models of Thomas, Percy and James in the backyard. Just then Myrtle comes to me and takes them.)

Me: Hey! Miss Myrtle, I was playing with those!

Myrtle: Please, honey, call me Gran-Gran. And don’t worry, I’ll give them back to you. I’m just gonna make a few adjustments to them.

(A few minutes later, Myrtle comes back and gives me back Thomas, James and Percy. But now, they all have pink coats of paint, bows on their funnels, and the word “Gran-Gran” on their boilers.)

Me: (Gasps) What did you do to my trains?!

Myrtle: I just gave them all makeovers. Now they look so beautiful! Don’t you agree?

[I look really distraught. Later, in the twins' room.]

Myrtle: Spit shine! [Licks her thumbs, and 'cleans' the twins' faces.] Ah, there. No mud, no make-up, just sparkling faces that I could eat right now with some steak sauce. Om-nom-nom-nom.

[Once Myrtle leaves the room, Lola powder puffs herself, and Lana mud pies herself. Later, in the living room.]

Lori: Um, what happened to our episodes of "Nail Polish Wars"?

[Myrtle pops up behind them, Lori and Leni scream.]

Myrtle: Oh, I deleted those. Yeah, see, the language is just so negative.

[Leni and Lori facepalm. Later, Myrtle is in her car.]

Myrtle: Adios, grandbabies! See you real soon! [Drives away]

Lucy: That woman is a nightmare.

Lynn: No way I'm calling her Gran-Gran.

Me: Yeah! She almost ruined my trains!

Lola: It gets worse! Look, she left her day planner.

[Everyone looks]

Lynn: [Gasps in shock] She's coming to all my games for the rest of the season?!

Lisa: My conference in Sweden?! How did she get clearance?!

Lori: She's coming on my next date with Bobby?!

Lincoln: We have to do something. We can't live like this!

Luna: [Pulls out a ski mask] You especially can't, brah. [Lincoln puts the mask on.]

Lola: Well, there is one thing we could do: Break them up.

[Siblings and I protest]

Lana: Lola!

Leni: That's terrible!

Luan: Is it though? I mean, Pop-Pop is such an awesome guy! Should he really settle for someone like Myrtle?

Lisa: She has a point.

Lori: Well, even if we wanted to do that, how would we?

Lincoln: I might have an idea. Remember when Pop-Pop said that Seymour had his eye on Myrtle?

Me: Yeah, the left one.

Lincoln: Maybe that's our answer!

[Scene changes to Sunset Canyon Retirement Home, Luan walks up to the pool with a drink tray where Seymour is swimming.]

Luan: I made this whole pitcher of lemonade for my grandpa, but he's got acid reflux. What ever shall I do with it?

Seymour: Ooh! I'll take a glass!

Luan: Here you are, Mr. Seymour, sir!

Seymour: [Drinks the whole thing] Ooh, tart! [makes a face, Lana takes a photo and winks. Later, Lori is dressed up as an old lady in the dining room.]

Lori: [Old lady voice] Oh, my soup's literally too hot! How am I ever going to eat it?

Myrtle: Oh, let me help, dear. [Blows on soup, and Lucy takes a photo. Later, the siblings are in Vanzilla, on the computer, working on the photo.]

Lincoln: And now to make a love connection. [Places the photos of Seymour and Myrtle into a romantic background, and moves them closer until they appear to be kissing.] Bingo.

Leni: Um, Lincoln, Bingo's not 'till 4:00.

Me: Uh, no Leni. “Bingo” is an expression.

Leni: It is? I thought it was a game.

(I facepalm.)

Luna: Rad job, dude. That's gonna make Pop-Pop way jealous!

Lola: I bet he breaks it off with her tonight.

Lincoln: [Prints the photo] OK, Lynn, you're up.

[Lincoln hands Lynn, who is wearing a ninja suit, the photo. She slips it into an envelope, and back flips her way to the retirement home, she later emerges from behind the ceiling tiles, slips down a rope, throws the envelope under the door, and retreats.]

Lana: [Impatient] Man, what's taking Lynn so long?

Lynn: [Pops up] Hai! [her siblings and I scream in surprise] Mission accomplished.

Lori: OK. Let's get out of here before anyone sees us.

[We all look towards someone tapping on the windshield.]

Myrtle: Too late! I see you!

Siblings and I: [In surprise] AAH!

Myrtle: [Brings out a cake] Oh, you angels came for my birthday party, didn't you?

[The 11 of us pretend that's why we came.]

[At the party.]

Myrtle: Well, here we are, Party Central! As soon as your Pop-Pop gets here, we can get this shindig started.

Lincoln: [Looks around] Shouldn't we wait for the other guests, too?

Myrtle: [Despondent] Oh, no other guests.

Luan: [Sympathetically] What about your family?

Myrtle: Well, I don't really have any. I was an only child and somehow, I never got around to getting hitched. I was just too busy traveling and living my life. And to be honest, I never really missed having a family, until I met Pop-Pop and you guys, and, well, I know you're not my real family, but gosh darn, you all sure feel like it.

Lori: [Hastily] Um, Myrtle, can you excuse us for a second? We, um, all have to go to the bathroom.

Myrtle: [Winking] You take after your Pop-Pop.

Lola: [Aggravated] OK, what gives, Lori? I don't have to tinkle!

Lori: Don't you guys get it? This is why Myrtle's been smothering us so much. She never had a family of her own. She's probably just trying to make up for lost time! Yes, she can come on a little strong, but her heart's in the right place.

Me: That is so sad.

Lucy: I feel terrible.

Lana: Me too.

Luan: We should go apologize.

Lincoln: Uh, guys, we have a bigger problem. We put that photo under Pop-Pop's door.

Siblings and I: [Cuts to the outside as we remember that.] Aah!

[Back inside, Lori debriefs everyone on the new plan, and Lynn is suddenly wearing her ninja suit again.]

Lori: OK, new plan. Twins, you distract Myrtle. Lynn and Lincoln, you get the photo back. The rest of us will find Pop-Pop and keep him away from his room. Break!

[Everyone except Lynn and Lincoln runs off.]

Lynn: Let's move out, Lincoln!

Lincoln: [Notices Lynn wearing her ninja suit.] Hey, when did you change into your ninja suit?

Lynn: [Slyly] What happened to your bowl cut?

Lincoln: Touché.

Lynn: Hai!

[Back flips away, Lincoln tries to do a front flip after her, but knocks over a table. Later, Lynn slides down her rope, Lincoln tries to do the same, but falls.]

Lincoln: Woah! Ooh.

Lynn: [Fiddles with the doorknob] Locked. Not a problem. I got this. [Holds up a walker] Hoa, [breaks the door open]Ah! [Gives the walker back to the lady leaning on a table.] Thanks, lady.

[They look in the room and find the photo is on the nightstand, ripped right down the middle.]

Lincoln: Oh no, he's already seen it!

Seymour: [Offscreen] Help! Someone call this maniac off!

[Lincoln and Lynn look at each other and gasp in horror. Scene changes to the pool where Seymour is running for his life, but Pop-Pop is chasing after him swinging a pool noodle.]

Pop-Pop: I knew you had your eye on my girl!

Seymour: That's not true. The left one's got a mind of its own.

Pop-Pop: Pictures don't lie, Seymour! And now I'm gonna take it to ya!

Seymour: You're a crazy man!

Pop-Pop: [Swats Seymour into the pool] Ya!

Lincoln: [As he and Lynn run in] Pop-Pop, stop!

Pop-Pop: Stay out of this, kids! Mr. Kissy Face has it coming. [Body slams] Rah!

Seymour: Dang it.

[A big splash is seen from outside the window.]

Lincoln and Lynn: Pop-Pop! [Jump in the pool to stop him.]

Lincoln: Let him go!

Lynn: Let him go!

Lori: What is going on?

Lori, Luna, Lana and Lola: [Sees what's going on] Pop-Pop!

Seymour: Call Sue! Call anybody!

Scoots: [Comes in from offscreen] Geezer fight! I got 50 bucks on Al.

Pop-Pop: [Has Seymour now] Ha!

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, no! The photo's fake!

Pop-Pop: [hears what Lincoln said] What?

Lana: It's true. We made it on our computer!

Pop-Pop: Why in the heck would you do something like that?

Lori: The truth is, we were trying to break you and Myrtle up.

Pop-Pop: Don't you like Myrtle?

Luna: I think we just didn't understand her!

Luan: She was smothering us like a pork chop. But we didn't realize it was because she never had a family!

[The rest of the siblings and I come in.]

Lana: We may take it for granted that we have a big family, but not everyone's so lucky!

Lincoln: We're really sorry for the way we acted. We hope you can forgive us.

Pop-Pop: Of course I can. I know Myrtle can be a bit much, but that's also what I love about her. She's a spitfire.

Scoots: Ugh, Bleh, this is gettin' too mushy for me. Scoots out! [Drives off]

Pop-Pop: Seymour, I think I owe you an apology too.

Seymour: Nah, don't worry about it, Al.

Lori: Don't we have a birthday party to get to? Pop-Pop: You know it!

Seymour: Can I come too?

Pop-Pop: You're gonna have to, Seymour. I can't move my arms anymore!

All: [laughs]

[Back at the party.]

Siblings and I: Happy birthday, Gran-Gran!

Myrtle: [Touched] Did you hear that, Al? They called me Gran-Gran! Oh, thank you, everyone.

Lori: Thanks for the cake and the party, Gran-Gran, but we should probably get going.

Myrtle: Okay, then, I'll drop by tomorrow.

[The siblings and I look worried about that.]

Pop-Pop: Uh...how about Sunday instead? I got us tickets to the RV show tomorrow.

Myrtle: Oh!

Siblings: Bye, Gran-Gran! [They walk away]

Scoots: Seymour, quit eyein' my cake! You already had your piece!

Seymour: I can't help it, the left one's got a mind of its own!

EPILOGUE

(Mom, Dad and Sophia, are in the living room doing their own things, when I come into the room.)

Me: Hey guys! Guess what? I have someone, I’d like you to meet.

Dad: Oh, really?

Mom: Is it a new kid who just moved here?

Me: Nope. It’s a new member to our family.

(My family gasps)

Dad: A new member to our family?!

Mom: Did one of our relatives have a baby?!

Me: (laughs) Nope. I’ll show you. (calls out) OK, Gran-Gran, you can come in now!

Sophia: Gran-Gran? (gasps; excitedly) Is Grandma Gina here?!

Me: Nope, a new grandma!

Mom, Dad, Sophia: New grandma?

(Myrtle comes in)

Myrtle: Oooh! Such a nice place you have, Nolan! (notices my family) Oh and is this your family?

Me: Yep. (to my family) Guys, this is Myrtle, Lincoln’s grandpa’s wife. (to Myrtle) Gran-Gran, this my mom, my dad and my little sister, Sophia.

Myrtle: Oh, it’s such a pleasure to meet all of you! I’m sure we’ll get along just swell!

(Myrtle comes and gives Mom, Dad and Sophia a big hug.)

Me: See? She likes you already!

Mom: (squished; to dad) You know, I really do wonder what goes on in that house.

Dad: Me too, honey. Me too.

THE END