User blog:BriceBlueGuy Wiki/Lincoln Loud: Girl Guru (re-write)

The reason why I decided to do my own version of Lincoln Loud: Girl Guru it's because it is pretty much a really terrible season one episodes. I know The Loud House (and other cartoons) sometimes make mistakes and messes up on they're episodes, even on they're early days. So I changed the script on this story because I want to improve it.

Transcript
Lincoln and Clyde: "♫ Ohhhhhhhhh... Mama's little baby loves short'nin'. Short'nin' Mama's little baby loves short'nin'... ♫" Clyde: "♫ Breeeeeeeaaaaaad! ♫" Lincoln: "Very nice, Clyde!" [to the viewers] "Clyde and I have a week to start a successful business for class. So we're gonna sell homemade chocolate pie!" Clyde: "We've never baked before. But how hard could it be? Everybody loves chocolate pie. My nana says that if they don't, you can't trust them." Lincoln: [opens shelf, seeing nothing but...] "What? Empty wrappers. I should have known." Clyde: "It wasn't me! I was with you the whole time." Lincoln: [closes shelf] "I know, Clyde. It was my sisters. They're well-known chocoholics." [Flashback to the sisters enjoying the chocolate bars.] Lori: "Mmm." Luna and Luan: "Mmm." Leni, Lynn, Lucy and Lisa: [sighing] Lana and Lola: "Mmm." Lily: [giggles] [Flashback ends] Clyde: "Well, what are we gonna do? I already rolled out 84 pie crusts!" Lincoln: "We'll just replace the chocolate with something equally delicious." [Cut to the business fair where Artie is taking a bite out of one of their pies only to spit it out.] Artie: [disgusted] "Ugh! What the heck kind of pie is this?" Lincoln and Clyde: "Salt and vinegar." Artie: "Gross!" [puts the pie back and walks away.] Clyde: "I don't get it. It works on potato chips."

Lincoln: "Any other ideas?" Clyde: "How about we sell hugs? My dads say I'm an excellent hugger." Lynn Sr.: [frustrated cleaning the van] "Aw, dang bird poop! Don't you feather-brains have somewhere else to hang out?" Lincoln: [gets an idea] "Clyde, that's it!" Clyde: "Bird poop?" Lincoln: "We can sell birdhouses!" Clyde: "Oh! Great idea! But wait. We don't know anything about wordworking." Lincoln: "Eh, how hard could it be?" [pounding and whirring' their first birdhouse is shoddily built with popsicle sticks and bandages.] Clyde: "I can't believe I doubted us." Lincoln: "Ah! Our first resident!" [bird chirps, screams, caws away and poops on ruined birdhouse.]

[Lincoln crosses birdhouses on his list.] Clyde: "How about we sell smiles? My dads say I have a million-dollar smile." [smiles] Lincoln: "Well..." [door clicks and thuds.] Luan: [dressed as a clown, counting money earned.] "98, 99..." Lincoln: "Whoa! Where'd you get all that money, Luan?" Clyde: "Did you sell...laughter?" Luan: "Ha! Laughter? It's my pleasure to give that away for free. This is from selling balloon animals. Observe. [She blows a large pink balloon and shapes it into...] "A dog! Now pick up the pace, Fido! It's the leash you can do!" [laughs as she goes upstairs; comes back for a minute.] "No charge." Lincoln and Clyde: "We'll sell balloon animals! How hard could it be?"

[Lincoln tries work on a balloon until it pops.] Lincoln: "Ah!" Clyde: "Lincoln! Look professional! We've got a customer! Liam: "Uh, I'll take the, uh, cheeseburger?" Clyde: "It's a bunny rabbit." Liam: "Even better!" [whispers] "It's for a girl I like." Lincoln: "You know, Liam, if it's for a girl, you should get her chocolate. All my sisters love it." Liam: "Oh, cool! Thanks Lincoln." [runs off] Clyde: "Lincoln, you just lost our only customer." Lincoln: "Relax, Clyde. With this sweet product, there's gonna be plenty more." [Sometime later, Lincoln and Clyde are sleeping while nobody seems to be coming to their stand; Liam comes back.] Liam: "Hey, Lincoln!" [Lincoln and Clyde wake up in a shock with balloons popping.] Clyde: Ah, take cover!" Liam: "She loved the chocolate! We have a date this Friday!" Lincoln: "Oh, great! I guess with ten sisters. I've learned a few things about girls." Liam: [grabs Lincoln's face] "Oh, don't be so modest. You're like a girl guru." [leaves] Lincoln: "Clyde, I think Liam-" [picks up Clyde] "I think Liam just gave us our next business idea." Lincoln and Clyde: "How hard could it be?" GIRL GURU: $1.00 PER QUESTION Clyde: "Step right up and ask the Girl Guru. He's got the goods on the gals, the facts on the females, the lowdown on the ladies." [exotic instrumental music] Customers: [gasping] "Me! Me!" Andrew: "Oh, Girl Guru, I'm hanging out with Jordan later, and I really want it to go well. What do girls think is fun?" Lincoln: "Hmmm." [A flashback shows Lynn doing the Dutch oven on him while he's playing video games in a blanket.] Lynn: "Hey, Lincoln. What's more fun than a Canadian microwave? A Dutch oven!" [wraps herself with Lincoln and blows a fart so big it inflates the blanket with them underneath it.] Lincoln: [yells] Lynn: [laughing] Lincoln: [grunting] [flashback ends] Lincoln: "Dutch ovens." Andrew: "Really?" Clyde: [pushes Andrew away] "The Girl Guru has answered your question, and as you can see, many other boys await his wisdom." [to Lincoln] "You do know what you're doing, right?" Lincoln: "I don't know. Why don't you ask Liam?" [Liam and his girlfriend pass by; Liam's girlfriend, who's chewing on a chocolate bar at the moment, kisses him on the cheek, leaving a heart-shaped chocolate smudge.] Liam: "Hee-hee!" Clyde: "And that's why you're wearing the robe and I'm wearing the fanny pack. Who's next?" Rusty: "How do I get a girl to fall for me?" Lincoln: "Omm..." [A flashback shows Lynn Sr. telling a bedtime story to Lola.] Lynn Sr.: "And so the young knight returned Princess Taylor to her tower five minutes before curfew, and no one was punished, and everything worked out great. The end. Good night, sweetie." Lola: [wakes up] "Hey, where do you think you're going? More knight and horsey stories!" [flashback ends] Lincoln: "You're going to need a stallion and a suit of armor." Rusty: "Oh, thank you, Girl Guru. Thank you. Thank you." Zach: "Oh, Girl Guru, I like this girl. But she doesn't think I'm good enough for her. How do I change her mind?" [A flashback shows when Lisa was talking to Lily about a boy.] Lisa: "Dylan Cornheiser tried to hold my hand at recess. I told him, learn basic chemistry, and then we'll talk." [Lincoln was listening on the side of the door; flashback ends.] Lincoln: "Simple. Learn basic chemistry." Zach: "Oh, man, I stink at chemistry. What about kickball?" Clyde: [pushes Zach away] "The Girl Guru has spoken."

Lincoln: [speaks to Papa Wheelie] "Nothing makes my sister Lana happier than a frog in her pants." [speaks to Flat Tire] "Take her to a funeral. My sister Lucy swears by it." [speaks to Coach Pacowski] "Roses are fine, but squirting flowers will really make her day." Coach Pacowski: [writing that down] "Squirting flowers... make... her... day. Thanks, Loud. See you in gym."

[bell rings] Lincoln: "Clyde, our business is killing it! I think we're looking at an A." [spins with Clyde] "Worst-case scenario, A minus." Clyde: "Tell me about it. I had to triple up on fanny packs just to hold all the money we made." Andrew: [farts] Jordan: [screams and coughs] "You jerk!" Andrew: "But the Girl Guru said you'd love a Dutch oven." Jordan: "Maybe you'd love an American wedgie!" Andrew: [screams and runs] Lincoln: "Well, you can't expect advice to work 100 percent of the time." [closes locker with Clyde] [frog croaking and jumping on Joy's head.] Joy: "Ew, ew, ew, ew! Gross! Get it off!" Papa Wheelie: "But the Girl Guru said-" Joy: "Get him, girls!" Girls: [growling] "Get him!" [They chase Papa Wheelie across the hall.] Lincoln: "That is not on us. He must have picked a bad frog." Clyde: [popping out of a trash can] "Let's just get back to class before they come back."

''[Mrs. Johnson's classroom]'' Flat Tire: "Hey, Mollie, you want to go on a date with me?" Mollie: "Um, yeah." Flat Tire: "Great! I'm gonna need you to wear this." [puts veil on Mollie] "Ah, there's the hearse. We're going to a funeral. How strong are you? They might need an extra pallbearer." Mollie: [disgusted] "Ew! Yuck! Get away from me, you morbid weirdo!" [Flat Tire stares at Lincoln and Clyde who gulp in response.] Coach Pacowski: "This is for you, Agnes." Mrs. Johnson: "Daisies are my favorite!" [gets squirted] "Ah!" [pushes Coach Pacowski away] "You yokel! I just had my hair done." Coach Pacowski: "But, Agnes, the Girl Guru said-" [points at Lincoln and Clyde] "Hope you boys like push-ups!" Lincoln: "Uh, Mrs. Johnson, can I have the boys' bathroom pass?" Clyde: "And I'll take the girls'." [They're both running down the hallway.] Kat: [yells] [explosion] Zach: "I was trying to impress you with my basic chemistry skills." Kat: "You burnt my braids, you doofus!" Zach: "He told me to do it!" Kat: "What?" [Lincoln and Clyde laugh nervously and run to the boys' room.] Clyde: "Lincoln, I'm starting to lose feeling in my toes. I think it's a panic attack." Lincoln: "It's okay. Just breathe into your paper bag." Clyde: [picks up paper bag and gasps] "Mmm. Oops." [chuckles] "Wrong bag. That was my lunch." [switches bags and inhales and exhales sharply.] [Horse neighs] Rusty: [wearing a suit of armor] "Whoa, White Lightning, stop! Sadie, do you want to go to the movies?" [picks up Sadie] Sadie: [screams] [White Lightning crashes and Rusty's armor flies everywhere.] Lincoln: "Let me have the bag." [Clyde hands it to him and he starts breathing heavily.] Clyde: "Lincoln, we gotta get out of here." Kat: "The next time I see that Girl Guru, I'll totally destroy him!" Joy: "Yeah, and his weird little friend too." [The trash cans sprout legs and move across the hallway; reveal to be Lincoln and Clyde hiding in them popping their heads out and seeing their customers groaning in pain; they hide and a girl puts a plastic water bottle in Clyde's trash can.] Clyde: [pops out] "Um, excuse me. That goes in the recycling." Lincoln: "Clyde! Keep it down!" Student: "Hey! It's them!" [Lincoln and Clyde scream and run for it with their customers shouting indistinctly and giving chase.] Student: "Stop!" Lincoln: "Give them their money back." That'll stop them. [Clyde throws their money.] Clyde: "Here! Take it, you wild animals!" [The enraged males ignore their refunds, too determined to get back at Lincoln and Clyde.] Lincoln: "Huh, didn't stop them." Clyde: "I know what to do." [stops running] "Free hugs!" [The mob doesn't seem eager to stop for free hugs.] Clyde: "Uh, on second thought, there may not be enough of me to go around." [continues running]

[Later that night at the Loud House, the girls are watching TV until they notice Lincoln and Clyde panting and covering the curtains.] Lori: "Oh, boy. What did you two do now?" Clyde: "L-L-L-Lori?" [breathing sharply and moaning] Lincoln: "Um, you wouldn't be interested." Lola: "Oh, we're interested. Spill!" Lincoln: "Well, Clyde and I had to start a business for school, so we kind of, uh, charged boys for my advice about girls."

 [A pause; all the girls get really angry at Lincoln and Clyde, growling at them, Lincoln and Clyde get startled].

 Lola: DO YOU REALLY ADMIT THAT IS THAT FUNNY!?!?

 Leni: WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK, IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

 Lori: Just... shame on the two of you!!! YOU CRUEL HEARTLESS SENSES OF SPITE AND BILE!!!

 Lucy: Vengance shall be mine!!

 Luan: Lincoln and Clyde, you have crossed the line!

 Lincoln: [ he and Clyde become scared] Look, girls! We are sorry, we never meant to do that. All what we did was give boys for advice and now it's gone horribly wrong!

 Both: [Lincoln and Clyde start begging and pleading] We will never do the Girl Guru stuff to you guys again! We're sorry, please don't tell you're friends!

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">[all 10 of Lincoln's sisters stop getting mad at them].

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Lori: Okay fine, if you do this again, Lincoln, I will turn you to a human PRETZEL!

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">All 9 Sisters: Yeah!

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Lincoln and Clyde: We promise!

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">[Meanwhile, Lincoln and Clyde are in Lincoln's room, feeling terrible about what went wrong].

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Lincoln: Oh Clyde, this is terrible! Everyone is going to hate me and you! What are we going to do? [Lincoln began to cry] I regret this stupid girl guru thing!!!

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Clyde: [feels bad for Lincoln] Lincoln, let it out buddy. We all make mistakes. But the way we will settle this right is put up an apology.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Lincoln: But Clyde, what if they don't accept our apology?

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Clyde: Then we'd be done with everything we believed in.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Lincoln: No, I can't let that happen. I am going to put up this apology to the school right now. [The scene cuts to Lincoln's school]. Everyone! I have something to say! [Everyone looks at him and Clyde]. We have done a few bad things, and all I want to say is... I regret... this whole girl guru job. Why? I gave advice that is so bad, so bad, that lead all of you guys to hate us for that, and we we're too stupid to admit it. It was wrong of us for giving you all false advice, and we swear, we will never let this happen ever again. Please, if you all have souls and hearts, please understand this apology, we will never put up with this girl guru stuff again. [After everyone forgot about what happened from yesterday after they forgave Lincoln and Clyde for the business stuff, Lincoln shuts down his girl guru stand for good]. You know Clyde? This girl guru stuff is a horrible idea, I am glad everyone forgave us, but I still feel sad for what happened. I never knew things like that can give be bad publicity.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Clyde: Me too, let's promise never to do it again. [Clyde burns the Lincoln Loud: Girl Guru sign with a match, and Lincoln gets a much better idea].

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Lincoln: Hey Clyde, I have an idea. Why don't we make apple pies? Everyone loves apple pies! [Lincoln's business was proven successful, and everyone becomes happy].

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Agnes Johnson: Lincoln and Clyde, these are the best pies ever. We are glad you guys made the best business. [pays Lincoln a five dollar bill and leaves with the piece of apple pie].

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">Lincoln: [talks to the viewers once more] You know? When you start a business, you have to make it, easy as pie, [chuckles] get it?

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:14px;">[The End!]