User blog:InklingBear/Life of Pets - If It Ain't Broke...

Story #29 - If It Ain't Broke
9:00 am

Just another typical weekday down in the Loud household. The siblings were at school, the parents winding down from a stressful trip to three campuses and back. The pets however are always up to their usual schtick of just watching a boring old television screen for anything good on during the time being. As always, the four animals were living a pet's mysterious dream.

On the rectangular screen, a scene broke down where a man wanted to have some time alone from his crazy obsessed girlfriend. Upon hearing the words that read the man's lips, to nobody's surprise, she lashed out right then and there.

"Are you serious? You're never going to find a hot girl like me if you ever think about leaving me for someone else. How dare you have the balls to say that?!"

The TV flickered to another channel. It depicted a boy offering their baseball back to his bully surrounded by a pack of angry dogs.

"Here you go… but I bet they might come after you for it."

The dogs growled immensely, provoking the bully's fear that they might bite him.

''"...Keep it." the bully answered.''

Curious, the boy asked "Is this your only one?"

With his voice breaking, the bully responded "Just… keep it!"

"Alright, I guess you don't have any balls then."

The TV then flickered to yet another channel. This time, it depicted two anthropomorphic dogs about to play a game of catch.

"Hey uh… wanna play some ball?"

"Nah, I gotta get back to work."

Unsurprisingly, Walt groaned loudly. "Is this seriously how we start our stories every single time? Just sitting here looking at whatever dumb thing pops up on the TV screen?"

"Yeah, I've been wonderin' da same tin' dere, bird." Cliff reluctantly agreed. "Who writes dis stuff anyway? Not only dat, who even reads da stuff dat we put out?"

The four pets uncomfortably take a glance at the reader.

"Eh, I dunno." Charles answered. "But I know one tin', dat writuh bettuh change it up fer once in da next episode, or else we're gonna be da ones takin' ovuh dis dump."

Geo sighed. "There's always something to complain about with you guys huh?"

"Ya bet yer tail dere is, Ham." Cliff spat.

The conversation had the hamster thinking. "To be honest…" They could be correct, but then again, they may not be. Unable to make a counter argument, the hamster was pretty stumped about the complaints. Finishing off with a little shrug, Geo concluded with "I-I really don't blame you."

Before the four family pets could spit out another word, some noisy floor creaks from the second floor came rolling in. Panicking, they all got down from the furniture they once laid their butts on. As the whistling father figure of the house reached the first floor, an advertisement popped up on the screen. It depicted about something sinister, regarding the vet. Could it be just another silly but harmless ad? Who knows. Pictures of scissors and nail files flashed the TV as a woman voices over the advert.

"Hello there. Is your household pet giving you any trouble? Are they aggressive? Has there been any accidents caused by their behalf that stresses you out? Come on down to Veteran Cuts, where we'll fix your troublemakers right up! Your pet'll feel refreshed and their behavior will be improved in no time, guaranteed!"

As it switched to another advert, Lynn Sr. was thinking real hard. Much to the pets' suspense, he uttered "That gives me an idea…" As the animals shared a quick glances towards one another, their nerves started to peak even higher.

"Honey?" he shouted to his wife, walking to his room where he would meet her there. "I need to have a talk with you!"

As he entered the room, he closed his bedroom door behind him. Curious, the pets, one by one, walked towards the bedroom door. As they were eavesdropping on the two human beings, the father of the family offered a suggestion about their punishment. Although the animals haven't got the foggiest of what they did, the parents believed it was time to enforce some things.

"That's perfect!" Rita agreed. "I think those animals deserve what they'll be getting tomorrow!"

"Yep! After all the trouble we went through with them for the past couple of days, they won't know what's coming to 'em! But you can't tell them, or else who knows what will go down."

"Fixing them up is going to be one of our best accomplishments for us."

"I guess it's settled then, in a few hours we take 'em down to the place and having them all fixed up!"

It hit Charles and Cliff like a mallet to the noggin. They both had a horrible feeling that they were going to get punished… in one of the worst ways possible, according to what they overheard. The dog's eyes widened and the cat trembled.

"Uh oh…" Charles said.

"Uh oh is right, dog!" Cliff frantically followed. "Dis is terrible! Dey're gonna fix us?!"

Charles paced nervously back and forth. "Oh what da heck are we gonna do?! Dey can't do dat ta us! What did we evuh do ta dem?!"

The bird and the hamster watched, having not the slightest bit of knowledge of what was going on. Walt was confused about the dog and the cat's stress. Curious, he asked "What are you guys freaking on about?"

Same as the bird, Geo sincerely asked "What's so bad about getting… what you just said?"

"Everything, ya dope!" Charles angrily spat.

"Of course da two 'o youse wouldn't unnerstand da pain of not bein' able ta… well… can ya pee?"

Stunned from the out of the blue question, Walt said "...What?"

"I said, can ya pee?"

Shaking his head for a brief moment, Walt retorted with "Dude, I'm a bird! I can't do that!"

"Den dat's why ya don't understand!" Charles concluded, before inevitably turning to the reader. His voice started to break, understandably in pain from the nightmare they've heard. "I have dreams too y'know? I've been waitin' ta make sum love fer a long time so I could become a good fadder someday 'n have a family! Knowin' what dey're gonna do ta us tomawhrow, I'll nevuh get ta fulfill dat reality!"

The dog broke down whining. He even went as far as to simply curl up in a ball, filled with fear about his pain he'll endure the very next day. Knowing how sad the dog is about the ordeal, he walked over to pet him on the head, in hopes to calm him down.

"Don't worry dog, I'm right here wit' ya." Cliff uttered.

"Don't you guys think you're overreacting a little bit about this?" Geo said.

Turning to the sincere hamster as one, Charles and Cliff irately spat "No!"

"Are ya insane in yer head?" Cliff said. "Dis here's an urgent situation!"

"Yeah," Charles spat, pushing both Geo and Walt out into the dining room. "You two ain't helpin', so stay outta dis!"

Giving an awkward glance, Walt and Geo sighed. "A-alright then?" Geo uttered.

"You don't have to be so panicky you know..." Walt spat. Almost immediately after, the two pairs of animals split their ways for the day. As for Charles and Cliff, the two were still anxious and nervous. They both had their paws over their heads, trying to figure out what they did to deserve something as hurtful as this.

"We gotta tink here, cat!" Charles frantically suggested.

"Say no more!" Cliff reluctantly responded, before he rushed to his litter box to do his business. He sighed in good relief knowing that this could be the last time they could go to the bathroom.

Annoyed, the dog had to make things a bit more clear. "I meant, we gotta tink here about why dey're doin' dis ta us! It ain't like we're aggressive or relentless, so what did we do?"

Haven't gotten a single clue, Cliff shrugged. "Beats me!"

Looking up at the ceiling, Charles put his mind to work. Having a flashback to anything that involved mischief as he scratched at his head, he spat to himself "What did I do...?"

''The first thing that Charles remembered was that he trespassed a yard that belonged to Mr. Grouse. For some disproportionate reason over not getting his bone back from the man, the canine gave his flowers a shower with his urine. Not to the man's surprise, he burst his front door open and chased the pup out of his yard.''

''"You mangy animal!" he screamed.''

''The second thing he managed to remember recently was an incident with the living room. A foul smell was present in the area, yet nobody seemed to know where it came from. That is, until Rita looked at the family sofa and observed something rather disgusting. Discovering smear marks of light brown on the middle cushion of the furniture, she jumped back a bit as she screamed.''

''"Charles!" she called out.''

''The last thing he managed to remember was an extremely awkward moment regarding a mop. All he did at the time being was munch down on some of his food in his bowl. As the prepubescent child accidentally spilled some fresh milk on the floor in the kitchen unbeknownst to him, he left his bedroom to take out the grody trash, next to the doggy door. As the dog was alone in the room for a brief moment, the spill of milk expanded towards the mop. The soft sponge slowly getting marinated by the liquid. Just wanting to leave the kitchen to do whatever, he was stopped by Lincoln in the most awkward position imaginable.''

''His eyes got a gaze full of Charles standing right over the mop. The dog on the other hand, had no idea what to do from there. Did Lincoln think he was… doing something to the mop?''

With no given context of what really happened, a gasp of air filled the kid as he spat "Charles? What the heck are you doing?!"

''Charles nervously whined as he stepped away. An embarrassing predicament like this was something he wasn't able to live down for a while. Now noticing the spill of milk next to the mop, Lincoln was in complete shock. Despite the fact that it's not what it looked like, the boy was fuming. His face turned red while he sound like a boiling kettle about to explode. A slow gulp later, Charles trembled in great fear.''

Now that the flashbacks were over, Charles glanced at the reader in annoyance and spat "Sorry ya had ta see dat. But dis is a serious mattuh!" He looked back at the cat. "Who in deir right mind would even tink ta invent somethin' so painful? Da day dat dey have deirs cut off will mark justice in my book!"

Folding his arms, Cliff smirked and uttered "Ain't dat da truth."

Shaking, Charles quickly suggested "We gotta get da heck outta here!"

"Yer… yer kiddin' right?" the cat uneasily uttered back.

Charles rolled his eyes. "Do it sound like I'm kiddin' ta youse?"

"Ya know runnin' away's a risky idear right? And besides, that's such a generic plot dat it ain't even interestin' ta nobody anymore!"

Walt popped in from the open doorway to the dining room. "At least the puss gets it." he said.

In hopes to get the bird to back off, Charles growled then barked twice at him. The sudden reaction had the avian jumping, hiding behind the wall immediately after.

"Aight, so runnin' away's outta da question…" the dog said, paws over his head.

Before the dog and the cat could think of anything else, their plans had to be cut short. As Lynn Sr. opened his bedroom door with no warning whatsoever holding a pair of scissors, their hearts dropped immensely. They stared at the man slack-jawed as if he was the antagonist in the eyes of a fearful animal. A loud yipe and a meow later, they both bolted the heck out of dodge.

Clueless, the father said. "Huh, what's gotten into them?" After a moment, he turned to one of his drawers for his outdated documents. "Now where's those old docs I left in here…"

Zipping up into the second floor of the household, Charles and Cliff looked all around the hallway, almost out of breath. They tried their best efforts to avoid anything that reminded them about pain. Things were clearly at stake at this urgent situation.

"What do we do, cat?" Charles uttered.

"We gotta hide! And fast!" Cliff quickly suggested.

Desperate for anything to work their way, Charles responded with "Good plan!" The two animals went their separate ways, with Cliff heading into Lori and Leni's bedroom and Charles charging into Lincoln's bedroom. Unbeknownst to them, there was literally nowhere to hide. Every single object they would encounter soon enough would at least be sharp or pointy in one way or another. Tensions were rising as well as their fearful anxiety.

The minute the cat observed another pair of scissors used for trimming hair, he started shaking. "Scissors… dangerous..!" he mumbled to himself. His teeth chattered not long after before he simply backed away. Now outside in the hallway again, he bolted to the bedroom across theirs.

Charles looked like he was in the clear for the most part. Sighing in relief, he crashed right into the boy's drawers, knocking down a butterknife he used earlier. The piece of silverware almost hit the dog's paw, influencing a jump and a how of fear from the sudden impact. Running out into the hallway once again, the white pup made way for the bedroom of Lisa and Lily.

Cliff took a thorough look around the rocker and the joker's room. It didn't seem like anything could harm the fraidy feline. He thought he'd finally catch a relief for at least a few moments. Glancing over at some of Luan's props, his gaze received a clear view of a saw with a packet of fake blood attached to it. Noticing this, the cat's heart was pumping through his chest. He even hyperventilated just catching the sight of it alone.

"Geez! Is nothin' safe in dis crazy house?" he spat in fear. Unfortunately for Cliff, he was right, yet he was completely unaware of it. Running out into the hallway once again, he tried the bedroom belonging to both Lucy and Lynn.

As for the scaredy dog, he also thought it was safe around the bedroom of the youngest sibling duo for a moment. "Nothin' scary 'bout dis room so far." Charles nervously chuckled. He didn't know it just yet, but the dog was sorely mistaken. Everyone in the house clearly knows about Lisa's insane experiments she does from time to time. Who's to say that she doesn't possess a couple of things that are... pointy?

Looking around out of curiosity, he accidentally stepped on a button or two of a remote control, that was hooked onto a drone that belonged to the young scientist of the family. As the drone spun its blades around and levitated off the table in the room. Charles was growing more petrified by the second. He whined in fear, paying close attention to the flying gadget. It looked angry in the fearful gaze of the dog. As the moving obstacle approached the dog in an alarming rate, Charles yelped louder than before and gunned it.

Despite his fear, he wouldn't dare let that drone attack him in anyway shape or form. Running as fast as he could, the drone blocked the way out into the hallway. It acted like it had a mind of its own. To nobody's surprise, Lisa did modify it in her own free time.

"Yipe!" Charles yelled, putting his running into an abrupt halt, trying to run away from the crazy gadget as it closely followed.

Charles was getting chased down now. He tried to the best of his ability to outrun the drone until the sensation of one of the drone's spinning blades slowly come in contact with the dog's furry behind. Shaving off a small portion of his butt, Charles jumped and howled in pain as he and the drone fumbled to the ground, unable to move around due to its upside down position.

Recovering from the fall, the canine felt a draft on his rear end. Rubbing his shaved hindquarters had him blushing hard. Understandably, Charles was a bit outraged. "Aw c'mon!" he said. "I can't let dose humans see dis! I just had it groomed yesterday!" Having a strange feeling all of a sudden, he turned to the reader in a glare and a growl, and spat out in angry words "Youse best be shuttin' yer yap about dis! I'm willin' ta bet each 'n every one 'o youse have been humiliated in some way!"

Hearing a meow from the distance, Charles ran out into the hallway. Not long after, he ran head first into the face of the feline. The impact knocked them both back an inch before they laid there on the fuzzy red carpet. Fish and bacon circled around their heads as they were dizzy. They did manage to recover not long after as they shook their head and sat back up.

The first thing to be uttered by the feline was "Dere ain't nowhere ta hide!" He sucked his thumb from a papercut in the room he was in before he rolled up into a ball, much like how Charles did earlier today.

"Ev'ry twist 'n turn, we end up encounterin' tings dat provoke us!" Charles uttered back. "I dunno what ta do next! We're doomed!"

Grabbing onto each other, their teeth chattered once again. Their hearts felt like they bounced in their stomachs, as they trembled in greater fear than before. Before they could even think, the sound of footsteps came approaching upstairs. Suspense and tension built up as they would soon fear for what could happen next. As one, they backed up to the bedroom wall from Lincoln's room. There was nowhere else to run to. They would've been cornered by now, which unfortunately was their case.

Lynn Sr. was on the second floor now, holding a cage specifically for both Charles and Cliff. As he took a glance in the left hallway and the right, finally catching sight of the two animals, he immediately walked towards them. Yep, they were immediate goners.

As Charles and Cliff imagined the man in a vile way, he sinisterly spat "Come along, pets. Time to get you all fixed!"

Concluding with a devilish laugher and an ascending flames from behind, the two animals still trembled in fear. That is, until they suddenly realized that hiding from their problems was completely useless to them and decided it was time to fight back face to face. They wanted to stand up for themselves for once. Giving a flying fur about themselves and their… you know, their faces of fear quickly shifted into anger. Without even thinking for a split second, Charles and Cliff growled together as one towards the generous man. It was time… for justice.

Lynn Sr. had no idea why the two pets were suddenly acting out. Did they seem to misinterpret what he was really going to do with them? Whatever the case may be, they were furious. Barely given a chance to react, Charles pounced on the man, forming a cloud of violence. Cliff jumped in not long after to contribute to the mauling ambush on the father figure of the household. As it went on for more than just a couple of seconds, Cliff effectively put scratches all over his clothes as Charles chomped down on his buttocks. They were tearing him all the way up, almost as if he deserved it for planning to torture the two, unbeknownst to his true intents.

Six Hours Later

The Loud siblings were home now, doing what they do best: Making loud noises and causing the biggest amount of ruckus a family could ever do. As a result for crudely attacking poor ol' Lynn Sr., Charles and Cliff were thrown out of the house for the day. They both rested inside the pooch pen, feeling down about what they've done. By this time, Geo and Walt came to the backyard, returning back from Veteran Cuts with a new look to show off. The hamster received a fresh cool hairdo along with a small bowtie as the bird received the same treatment, except with gleaming, clear feet.

Trying their best not to rub it in their faces, Geo and Walt attempted to start a conversation. "Hey uh… you guys alright?" Geo said.

"What do ya tink?" Charles irately spat.

"Dumb misleadin' commercial." Cliff uttered. "If only I wasn't a cat right now, I'd sue da heck outta dem."

Charles sighed. "I hafta agree wit' ya on dat one, cat. False advertisin' for a fresh new makeover? Ain't dat a pain in da arse?" He turned around, showing off his shaved backside. "No joke!"

Stunned and speechless, Geo shielded his eyes as Walt blushed, squinting his in disgust. "Okay, I did not come out here just to see that." the bird uneasily spat.

"Well, too bad!" Charles retorted as he turned back around to face the two. "I can't believe a vague misleadin' had ta put a damper on tings between us 'n dis family."

Cliff inevitably sighed as he looked down at the grass. "What are we gonna do? We hafta make it up ta da human somehow… but dat has ta wait until we can get back inside da house."

"Anyway, you're not gonna say anything about our sweet makeover?" Walt sincerely said.

With a heavy sigh, Charles asked "...What was so great about yer dumb lil' makeover?"

"It was amazing, you guys!" Geo responded. "They had these cool miniature spas for all animals small! I've never felt so releaxed in my life!"

With a smile, Walt added "They also had these soothing pedis for us." He showed off his talon feet, clear, polished and glistening. "I went with whatever thy had available. Don't you just like the way it shines?"

"I hafta say… yer feet are… such a beaut!" Charles complimented. "And I can't believe I actually said dat."

"I hope da two 'o youse are happy." Cliff uttered. "Sure wish we'd know what it'd be like ta get dat experience."

With a small laugh, Walt said "Why wish for it when you can have it right now?"

As they made way for Lola, holding a pair of scissors and other supplies for grooming behind her back, the beauty twin of the family approached them in a sincere motion. In the mind of the white dog and the black cat, she presented a pair of scissors to the animals and devilishly spat "Alright you two, it's time for sweet little Lola to fix you guys right up!"

Concluding with a nightmarish laughter, Charles yelped and whined as Cliff meowed in fear. Not a moment to spare, they both felt dizzy and fainted, falling backwards on the grass. Lola, now confused, glanced at the reader along with Geo and Walt.

~End~