User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: Loudest Labyrinth

Well, I said in the comment section of my last story that I wasn't sure if this idea would make for a double-length episode. Thirty-eight pages later, I believe I stand corrected. Then again, I don't know why I'm surprised, given the premise for this particular tale. You'll see what I mean, as we dive into:

Loudest Labyrinth
Plot Summery: Lincoln convinces his sisters to try out a tabletop RPG for Game Night.

Script
''[We open in Lori and Leni’s room, where a sibling meeting is taking place. Lori raps her shoe against her lectern, commanding everyone’s attention.]''

Lori: Okay, Lincoln. You have the floor.

Lincoln: Thank you, Lori. [he stands up and clears his throat] As you all know, tomorrow is Game Night.

Lynn: Woo~! Yeah~! ''[she stops cheering when she notices several of her siblings giving her a pointed look. She clears her throat]'' I mean, cool. That…  That’s cool.

Lana: [pats Lynn on the back] It’s okay, Lynn. We know you’ve been trying to be a better sport.

Lincoln: Indeed. But since our little Operation: Get Lynn to Stop Gloating incident , I’ve been doing some thinking. And I believe we’ve been going about this the wrong way.

Lisa: [adjusting her glasses] I must confess, my curiosity is piqued. Please elucidate, Lincoln. What exactly was the flaw in our methodology?

Lincoln: If you all recall correctly, we thought that beating Lynn would get her to stop gloating. But maybe what we should’ve done is find a game where we all have to work together in order to win.

Lisa: [raises an eyebrow] Isn’t that what we ended up doing with my idea? Like I said, you cannot be triumphant at Settlers of Cat-land without forming alliances.

Lincoln: [shakes his head] No, Lisa. When I say we all have to work together, I’m including Lynn.

Leni: So, like, it’s a game where everyone wins?

Lynn: [scoffs] Where’s the fun in that?

Lincoln: [grins slyly] Oh, don’t worry, Lynn. This game is super fun. Which is why for next Game Night, I propose that we play…

''[Lincoln pauses for dramatic effect before unveiling a brightly colored box. The box has artwork depicting a medieval warrior fighting a large snake monster. There is a title on the box in a fancy gothic font, which Luan reads aloud.]''

Luan: Labyrinths and Lamias?

Lincoln: Yup. I play this game with Clyde, Rusty, and Liam all the time. You wouldn’t believe all the crazy adventures we’ve had.

[Lucy walks up to the box and eyes it carefully.]

Lucy: Hmm. I recognize this artwork. I’m just taking a stab in the dark, but didn’t the makers of this game also make Bloodsucker: The Charade?

Lincoln: [blinks] Um, yeah. I think so.

Lucy: [smiles] Wicked. I’m in.

Lori: Well, I’m glad you and Lucy are on the same page on this one, Lincoln. But, what exactly is this game? How do you play it?

Lynn: And what’s the point of it if everyone wins? This ain’t no kindergarten, Lincoln. No offense, Lisa.

Lisa: None taken.

Lincoln: Ah, but see, that’s the beauty of this game. In a basic sense, the object of the game is that we all work together to tell a story. One person, the Labyrinth Lord, controls all of the side characters and the villains, while everyone else plays the heroes.

Leni: Wait, but if the heroes beat all the villains, doesn’t that mean the Labyrinth Lord loses?

Lincoln: Not at all. It’s not the Labyrinth Lord’s job to beat the other players. It’s their job to make sure the game is fair and that everyone has fun.

Lynn: So, like a ref?

Lincoln: Pretty much. What do you say, guys?

Lisa: [rubs her chin in thought] Well, I can’t say I’m entirely ecstatic over the medieval setting. There’s a reason that era was known as the Dark Ages.

Luna: Plus, what about Lily? This game sounds a bit out of her league, dude.

Lincoln: [shrugs] Well, I mean, she managed to play Settlers of Cat-land just fine. That game was pretty complicated.

Lisa: A fair point. Though that could be the result of the new serum that I’ve been testing…

Lori: [raising an eyebrow] What new serum?

Lisa: [blanches] D-did I say I was testing a new serum? I do not remember divulging such information. [her eyes shift around the room before she clears her throat] In fact, what’s say we entertain Lincoln’s idea?

Luna: Yeah, I’m willin’ to give it a shot.

Lola: If this is a medieval adventure… [she gasps, her eyes sparkling with delight] Then that means there are princesses in this game! Eeee~! I am so in!

Lana: Eh, why not? No harm in trying.

Leni: I like the idea of a game where no one feels bad for losing. Okay, I’m in!

Lynn: [shrugs] Not the kind of game I’m used to, but I’ll try anything once.

Lily: Poo-poo!

Luan: Looks like Lincoln Loud’s Labyrinths and Lamias layout is laudably likable! [laughs] Man, I love alliteration.

Lori: [smirks] It appears we’re all in agreement, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Great! I’ll go draft up a new campaign and get everything set up for tomorrow! You guys won’t regret it!

***

''[We cut to the next day in the Loud House dining room. The table is already set up with a large map done up in marker, several different kinds of dice, and a plethora of miniature statues. Lincoln is behind a cardboard partition, with several manuals open to different pages and spread across his side of the table. The sisters enter, and Lincoln greets them with an exaggerated bow.]''

Lincoln: Hail, sisters, and well met. Are you all prepared to embark on this most epic of journeys?

Leni: [looks out the window] Hail? Lincoln, it’s a perfectly nice day out. And it’s summer.

Lisa: I believe you have your homonyms confused, my dim elder sibling. Lincoln was obviously offering us a greeting in the style of the medieval era.

Lucy: Already getting into character, huh?

Lincoln: What can I say? A good Labyrinth Lord likes to ham things up a bit.

Lori: Wait a minute. Since when are you Labyrinth Lord?

Lincoln: [blinks] Since I wrote up the whole campaign and know all the rules?

Lori: Uh-uh, twerp. As the oldest, I think I should be Labyrinth Lord.

[After a beat, Lincoln shrugs and gestures to his chair.]

Lincoln: Very well then, milady. Please, get us started.

Lori: [smugly] Thank you, Lincoln.

''[Lori takes Lincoln’s seat. Luan gives Lincoln an odd look.]''

Luan: Didn’t you just say that you’re the one who knows all the rules? Why are you giving up so easily?

Lincoln: Give her a minute.

Lori: Okay, so the first thing we do is, um…

''[Lori begins pouring over all of the open books Lincoln had laid out. Sweat trickles from her brow as she cannot make heads or tails of all the rules. After a few seconds, she gets up from her seat.]''

Lori: On second thought, Lincoln, maybe you should be Labyrinth Lord after all.

Lincoln: [bows] Many thanks, milady. Not to worry, though. I have the perfect champion for you.

[Lincoln hands Lori a figurine of what appears to be a holy priest.]

Lincoln: Behold, the cleric. No band of heroes is complete without one. It is your responsibility to make sure everyone stays alive using your powerful healing magic.

Lori: [shrugs] Sounds good to me.

Lola: [raises her hand] Ooh, ooh! Can I be a princess?

Lincoln: Um, sorry, Lola. There isn’t a princess class…

Lola: [scowls] No fair! I wanna be a—

Lincoln: But that would make a good backstory for your character.

[Lincoln pulls out another figurine, this one of lean warrior.]

Lincoln: This here is a ranger. They are masterful scouts and good at tracking down enemies.

Luan: I think I get it. So Lola’s character will look like a regular person, but she’s secretly royalty. Kinda like that super-long movie that was directed by Jack Peterson. What was it called? Brotherhood of the Bracelet?

Lisa: No, that film was about average in length. You’re thinking of Hey, The King’s Back.

[Beat]

Lola: Well, I guess I could live with that. But I have to be the most fabulous ranger there ever was!

Lincoln: Absolutely, Lola. Now for the rest of you.

[Lincoln turns to rest of his sisters and gives them each a figurine.]

Lincoln: Since you’re good at lock-picking, Leni, I think you would make an excellent rogue.

Leni: Oh, wow! Does that mean I get to wear fancy makeup?

Lisa: That’s rouge, Leni.

Lincoln: But, you can wear fancy makeup if you want.

Leni: Yay! Thanks, Linky!

Lincoln: [turns to Luna] For you, Luna, I think the bard was practically made for you. Bards are traveling musicians able to captivate their foes with their songs.

Luna: [grins] You had me at “musician,” brah.

Lincoln: [turns to Lynn] For you, Lynn, I believe the warrior would be a perfect fit. You’re basically the main muscle of the party.

Lynn: Aw, sweet!

Lincoln: [turns to Lucy] Now, I’m sorry to say there are no vampires in this game, Lucy. At least, not until the more advanced levels. But, I think you’d have a lot of fun playing the warlock.

Lucy: Wicked.

Lincoln: [turns to Luan] Now, it was pretty difficult thinking of a class for you, but there’s nothing in the rules saying there can’t be two bards.

Luan: [raises an eyebrow] But, I’m not a musician like Luna.

Lincoln: [grins slyly] Oh, but bards are more than just musicians. They can also be crafty jesters.

Luan: [smiles] So, bards can play music and do comedy? Surely, you jest! [laughs] Get it?

Lana: Ooh, ooh! Let me guess my character! A plumber! No, a mechanic!

Lisa: Need I remind you that this game takes place in the Middle Ages? They didn’t have those back then.

Lana: [disappointed] Oh…

Lincoln: Don’t worry, Lana. I know the perfect class for you. You’d make an excellent druid.

Lana: A drew-what now?

Lincoln: Druids are mystical fighters who are one with nature. You can turn into animals, and you even have an animal companion.

Lana: [eyes sparkling] Cool. Can Hops be my animal companion? Oh, no wait! El Diablo!

Lincoln: Actually, I have someone else in mind. [turns to Lily] Lily here can be your wolf companion. How does that sound, Lily?

Lily: Ah ga gee. Awooooo~!

Lincoln: That’s the spirit! [turns to Lisa] And that leaves you, Lis’. It took me a while to think of something, but given your scientific mind, I think you’d be best as an alchemist.

Lisa: [deadpan] You mean one of those rubes who believed they could transmute lead into gold?

Lori: [thoughtfully] Actually, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Isaac Newton was an alchemist…

[Beat]

Lisa: Touché. Then again, science does have to start somewhere. I accept this role.

Lincoln: Great. [he hands each of his sisters a sheet of paper] Now, this is the fun part. You guys can customize your characters to your heart’s content, as well as purchase weapons and supplies. Let me know when you’re all finished.

''[Time passes as each of the Loud sisters (minus Lily) fill out their character sheets. One by one, they each put their pencils down.]''

Lincoln: Okay, let’s see what you’ve got.

[Lincoln looks over each character sheet in turn.]

Lincoln: Um, wow, Leni. You, uh…  You sure packed a lot of clothing.

Leni: Well, duh! You have to be prepared for any kind of fashion emergency.

Lincoln: Okay then. [sifts to the next character sheet] Um, Luna? You didn’t buy any weapons.

Luna: Don’t need ‘em, bro. Not when I’ve got my trusty axe.

[Luan giggles.]

Luna: What?

Luan: O-oh nothing. Just gonna save that one for later.

Lincoln: Uh-huh. [shrugs] Well, it’s your choice. [he sifts to the next character sheet and he raises an eyebrow] A feather boa? Body paint? Smoke bombs? What do you need all this stuff for, Luan?

Luan: [taps the side of her nose slyly] You never know.

Lincoln: Well, alright then. ''[he continues sifting through the character sheets. When he gets to Lola’s, he deadpans]'' Really, Lola? A jewel-encrusted mace?

Lola: [pouts] It was the closest thing to a royal scepter I could find. Get off my back.

Lincoln: [shrugs] Alright. ''[he sifts to the next character sheet. When he reads it over, his eyes bug out]'' Whoa there! You went with a war hammer, Lana?!

Lana: Yeah! I mean, I would’ve preferred a ball-bean hammer, but work with what you got, y’know?

Lincoln: Lana, your character doesn’t have the Strength stat to wield this weapon. It’s going to weigh you down a lot. Are you absolutely sure you want it?

Lana: Of course I want it.

Lincoln: [shrugs] Okay then. Suit yourself.

[Lincoln finishes up looking over the character sheets before handing them back to his sisters.]

Lincoln: [in a dramatic, sinister tone] Very well then. You have chosen your roles and your equipment. You are now ready to enter the world… of Labyrinths and Lamias!

***

''[A puff of smoke serves as the scene transition. When it clears, we are treated to a quaint little village with several stone buildings in the background. Each of the Loud sisters appear as their characters.]''

*Lori is dressed in powder blue robes, holding a tome in one hand and a mace in the other.

''*Leni is wearing a stylish aquamarine cloak. Her face is done up in rouge.''

''*Luna is wearing a simple purple tunic and a purple cap with a red feather in it. She has a lute strapped to her back.''

''*Luan is dressed in bright yellow jester’s garb, complete with a coxcomb. She has a knife in one hand, a sickle in the other, and a lute strapped to her back.''

''*Lynn is an overly-muscular version of her normal self. She is wearing a helmet with horns, a red pelt with broad shoulder pads, and she has a battle axe and a shield strapped to her back.''

*Lucy’s face is completely hidden under the hood of her worn and tattered black robes.

''*Lola is wearing a stylish (if impractical) pink gown. She is holding her jewel-encrusted mace in her hand.''

''*Lana is wearing a wolf’s pelt and a navy blue undershirt. As Lincoln warned, her war hammer is incredibly massive, but she hoists it up with pride.''

''*Lisa is wearing a green tunic with a white undershirt. Instead of glasses, she is sporting a fancy monocle. She is holding a flask filled with an unknown substance.''

*Lily is simply dressed up in a wolf costume.

Lincoln (dramatic voice over): Welcome to the town of Regal Oaks. It is a quaint fishing village. To the north is a castle, where King Phineas III presides. There is an inn to your right, a great place to hear about local gossip and rumors.

Lori: Okay, so, what do we do?

Lincoln (dramatic voice over): Whatever you want. You can go to the inn; head up to the castle; explore the town. The choice is yours.

Lola: Well, as princess, I wanna go see my daddy, the king!

Lynn: Lame! Let’s go beat up some monsters instead!

Lisa: Need I remind you that we haven’t even been given any direction yet? I suggest we proceed to the inn and find out our first objective.

Lola: Maybe my daddy will tell us what to do next! I say we go to the castle!

Lana: How do you even know if you’re related to the king, Lola?

Lola: ‘Cause I’m a princess! Duh!

Leni: I thought you were a ranger.

Luan: [thoughtfully] Actually, Lola might have a point. If the king is the big cheese around here, we should go see him.

Luna: [in her British accent] An’ who’s to say we should trust him, eh? He could be some greedy miser tryin’ to exploit these innocent chaps. We should ask around an’ see what’s what.

Lynn: Ugh, all of your ideas are boring! I wanna beat stuff up already!

Lori: Guys, stop bickering. As the oldest, I say we should check out the inn. Lincoln was obviously hinting to us that we should go there first.

Lisa: Thank you, Lori. I’m glad one of you has some common sense.

Lola: What?! No fair! I’m the princess here! We should do what I say!

Lucy: If you keep announcing that everywhere we go, you’re going to end up being a dead princess.

Lola: [narrows her eyes] Was that a threat?!

''[The sisters continue to bicker and argue, eventually erupting into the familiar Loud Cloud. They fight for a few beats before Lincoln interrupts.]''

Lincoln (voice over): Guys!

''[We cut to the Loud House dining room, where the sisters are all looking at Lincoln. Lincoln lets out a deep, cleansing sigh.]''

Lincoln: Like I said, you can do whatever you want. If Lola wants to go to the castle, she can. If Lisa wants to check out the inn, she can. There’s no rule saying you have to stick together.

Leni: [furrows her brow] I dunno. Splitting up sounds like a really bad idea.

Lisa: Not always, my roguish compatriot. If we split up, we might have a chance to cover more ground and gather more information.

Lori: How about this? Whoever wants to go to the inn, come with me. Whoever wants to go to the castle can follow Lola. We’ll meet back here at the town square in an hour.

Lola: Fine by me.

Lynn: But I wanna fight something!

Lisa: You will get your chance soon enough; I’m certain of it. Patience is a virtue.

Lynn: [crosses her arms and pouts] Fine.

''[We cut back to the fantasy world. Lori, Leni, Luna, Lucy, and Lisa head to the inn, while the other five sisters head north to the castle.]''

***

Lincoln (dramatic voice over): As your group enters the inn, you are overcome with the rousing din of patrons talking to each other and enjoying themselves. There is one unoccupied table in the corner. Many of the patrons have an intimidating presence, as though they would fight you if you even looked at them funny. The smell of mouthwatering food and drink wafts through the air.

''[As Lincoln describes the inn, it slowly comes into focus for our heroes. Lori frowns.]''

Lori: Okay, guys. Stay close. We don’t want to start any trouble.

''[The group ventures towards the bar, where the innkeeper is polishing a glass. Lori clears her throat.]''

Lori: Um, excuse me.

[The innkeeper turns to the group, giving them a wary look.]

Innkeeper (in Lincoln’s voice): We don’t get many adventurers in this part o’ the kingdom. You new around here?

Lori: You could say that. [bows] I am Lorelai Literous, master cleric of the House of Lo’ud.

Leni: Wait, so that's your full name? I thought it was Lori Marie Loud.

[We cut back to the dining room, where everyone groans.]

Leni: What?

Luan: Okay, I think we’re gonna have to just use our real names so that Leni doesn’t get confused.

Everyone else: Agreed.

[We cut back to the fantasy world.]

Lori: As I was saying, my name is Lori, and these here are my sisters.

Leni: Like, hi!

Luna: ‘Ello ‘ello, ol’ bean.

Lisa: Hail, my good man, and well met.

''[Lucy says nothing, but instead bows her head. The innkeeper eyes her suspiciously.]''

Innkeeper: Your sister there is rather quiet, isn’t she?

Lisa: ’Tis merely her wont, good sir. Prithee, pay it no heed.

Innkeeper: I see. Well, I’d be nervous if I were in her shoes. The king has been cracking down on practitioners of the dark arts lately.

Leni: I guess that makes sense. You can’t really paint a picture in the dark.

Lucy: [facepalms] Sigh. He means that people who use dark magic, like myself, are being targeted by the king’s guards.

Leni: Oh. [frowns] Well, that’s not very nice. What did Lucy ever do to them?

[The innkeeper looks around before leaning in, dipping his voice so that no one can overhear.]

Innkeeper: They say those who use the dark arts are in league with Margaret Moschet, the Lamia Queen. She and her husband have been plaguing this land for centuries.

Lisa: Well, rest assured, our sister would never side with such a foul beast.

Innkeeper: I believe ya, but good luck convincing the king of that. If he finds out you’re protecting a warlock, you’ll be in a lot of trouble.

Leni: Well, Lola’s a princess. Maybe she can convince the king that Lucy’s not a bad guy.

''[There is a pause as the sound of a die rolling across the table is heard. The innkeeper’s eyes go wide.]''

Innkeeper: You mean the lost Princess Lola of the House of Lo’ud?! The king said she was dead!

Luna: [raising an eyebrow] Pull the other one.

Lori: I’m with Luna; that literally doesn’t make any sense. Lola’s part of our party. She’s going to see the king right now.

[The innkeeper turns pale.]

Innkeeper: Then you must make haste to the castle. If the king finds out Princess Lola is alive, she will be in grave danger.

Leni: Wait, what?! Why?!

Innkeeper: There’s no time to explain! Go, now!

[We cut back to the dining room, where Lola looks quite pale.]

Luan: Oh, geez. Um, on second thought, maybe we shouldn’t go to the castle.

Lincoln: Just a moment, Luan. You weren’t there to heed the innkeeper’s warning. As far as you know, the king is perfectly harmless. And that goes for everyone else in Lola’s group.

Luan: [glumly] Oh.

Lincoln: [dramatically] While Lori’s party hears of this troubling news, Lola’s party ventures up to the castle, hoping to appease King Phineas III.

[Lola gulps]

***

''[We cut back to the fantasy world as Lola’s team makes their way up the hill leading to a luxurious castle. Lana is bringing up the rear, dragging her massive war hammer behind her. Two guards stand at the gates. When our heroes approach them, they cross their halberds.]''

Guard 1 (in Lincoln’s voice): Halt!

Guard 2 (in Lincoln’s voice): Who goes there?!

''[The sisters look at each other for a moment. Luan clears her throat.]''

Luan: You, uh…  You wanna do the talking, Lola?

Lola: Me? Why do I have to do it?

Lana: ‘Cause you’re the one who wanted to come here in the first place. ‘Sides, aren’t you a pr—?

Lola: [interrupting Lana] Prettiest ranger you ever laid your eyes on?! Oh, how sweet! Thank you so much for the compliment! [chuckles nervously]

''[There is a pause as the sound of dice rolling across the table is heard. One of the guards raises an eyebrow.]''

Guard 1: State your names and business. Now.

Luan: Oh, right. [clears her throat] Um, I am Luan the bard, and these are my sisters. We’ve come to see King Phineas III. Is he in right now?

Guard 1: [sternly] No one sees the king unless summoned.

Lana: What if we told you that the one and only Prin— mmph!

[Lola quickly clasps her hand over Lana’s mouth.]

Lola: Oh, that Lana! Always such a kidder! [she lets out an insincere laugh before pulling Lana close and giving her a dirty look] Ix-nay on the incess-pray.

Luan: [whispering] Why are you acting so paranoid? Didn’t you say you wanted to see the king? Surely, we can trust him with your secret.

Lola: But Lin— [she stops short, remembering what Lincoln told Luan earlier] I-I mean, the fact that I’m a princess is a super duper secret. I can’t tell just anybody.

Lynn: [deadpans] Funny. You were practically bragging about it before.

Lola: W-well, I’m not used to this kind of life. Cut me some slack, will ya? [she sighs] Look, if we see that the king can be trusted, then I’ll tell him I’m a princess. Okay?

Luan: [shrugs] You’re the boss.

[Luan turns back to the guards and clears her throat.]

Luan: [thoughtfully] Are you sure we weren’t summoned? I kinda remember ol’ Phinny wanting to talk to us about the House of Lo’ud.

[The first guard strokes his chin thoughtfully.]

Guard 1: The House of Lo’ud, you say? Well, that certainly might change things. But how do we know you’re telling the truth?

Luan: Oh, Phin and I go way back. He can vouch for us.

''[There is a pause as the sound of dice rolling across the table is heard. The guards relax their stance, but they still seem a bit wary.]''

Guard 2: Very well. You may pass. But be warned. If this is a trick, none of you will leave this castle alive.

Lola: [swallows] G-got it.

''[The guards lead five of them into the castle, with Lana continuing to bring up the rear due to her large war hammer. The interior of the castle is just as luxurious as the outside, with sparkling marble walls and stained glass windows lining the walls. It isn’t long before they are thrust before the king, a bulky young gentleman with dark hair obscuring his eyes and a chipped tooth. He wears regal purple robes and a crown atop his head. The guards bow before the king.]''

Guard 1: My Lord, forgive the intrusion, but I bring you guests from the House of Lo’ud. They claim that you summoned them.

[King Phineas III looks over the party with contempt.]

King Phineas III (in Lincoln’s voice): I do not recall summoning these disgusting miscreants.

[Lola clenches her fists and begins to tremble with rage.]

Luan: Easy there, Lols. Maybe he’s not that bad. [she clears her throat and turns back to the king] Phineas! Phin-meister! Phinny-phin-fineberg! How could you forget out appointment? We’re here to, uh, deal with your massive lamia problem!

[King Phineas III leans back in his throne, pressing his fingers together as the sound of a die rolling across the table is heard.]

King Phineas III: Lamia problem? Poor fool, you must be mistaken. There is no lamia problem here.

[Luan blinks in surprise.]

Luan: Wait, there isn’t?

King Phineas III: Oh, no. The Lamia Queen hasn’t bothered us in years. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this was a desperate gambit from the House of Lo’ud to reclaim their honor after the loss of your precious little princess.

[Lola gnashes her teeth and lets out a snarl.]

Lana: Um, maybe don’t mention Lola so much. I-it’s still a touchy subject.

King Phineas III: [snidely] Oh, of course. I do apologize. Recovering from such a tragic loss must be difficult. [he clears his throat] Regardless, your presence is not required here, and I certainly don’t remember summoning you.

Guard 2: So this was a trick. You Louds are all the same.

''[A full platoon of guards surround Lola’s party. Luan scowls.]''

Luan: Hey, what gives?! It was just an honest mistake! We really thought…

King Phineas III: Thought what, poor, delusional jester? That I’d show pity on you just because your family lost all of its power? Face the facts, girl. Princess Lola is gone, and she’s never coming back. And good riddance, I say. Such a naïve little child was clearly not fit to rule Regal Oaks.

''[Lola’s anger begins to reach a boiling points. She makes a grab for her mace.]''

Lincoln (dramatic voice over): Careful, Lola. It’s true that the king is obviously untrustworthy, but you’re completely outnumbered. Are you sure you want to—?

Lola: [ignoring Lincoln] Naïve little child? Naïve little child?! [she draws her mace] I’ll give you naïve little child, you big meanie-pants!

Lincoln (voice over): [lets out an exasperated sigh] Roll the die.

[Lynn lets out a confident snort before pounding her fist into her palm and cracking her neck.]

Lynn: Aw yeah. Now this is what I’m talking about!

''[She draws her weapons and lets out a war cry before attacking one of the guards. The throne room erupts into utter bedlam. While Lynn, Luan, and Lily seem to be holding their own, the twins have their own troubles. Lola manages to fight back one of the guards for a little while, but a swift strike to her wrist causes her mace to fly out of her hands, landing at the king’s feet.]''

Lola: Owie! Th-that hurt!

''[The guards close in on her. Lana gasps.]''

Lana: Hang on, Lola! I’ll save you!

''[Lana tries to lift up her heavy war hammer, but she is unable to make it budge. She grunts and groans while the guards look on in confusion.]''

Lana: [straining] J-just… give me a minute. Y-you’re gonna get it! O-oh yeah! H-here it comes—!

''[Lana finally manages to lift up the war hammer. As soon as she does, however, she hears a crackling sound beneath her feet. When she looks down, she sees tiny fissures forming on the floor below her. After a beat, the entire floor gives way, causing Lana to fall through. The war hammer is caught on the edges of the newly-formed hole, leaving Lana swinging from it. Looking down, she notices several guards pointing crossbows at her. She begins flailing about, trying to pull herself up.]''

Lana: Um, guys?! Little help here!

[Lynn and Luan are back to back, fending off the king’s guards.]

Luan: Kinda in the middle of something, Lana! Don’t worry, we don’t plan on leaving you hanging! [laughs] Get it?

Lynn: Luan, now’s not a good time!

''[The fight continues for a few beats, but soon, the party is overwhelmed. Lana is lifted out of the hole and slapped in irons. The other Louds are also chained up. King Phineas III sneers at Lola.]''

King Phineas III: I thought I recognized you, Princess Lola. You really believed you could fool me by taking on the guise of a ranger? [he scoffs] Mind you, anyone could see through that disguise.

Lola: Oh, blow it out your ear. When Lori hears about this, she’ll—

King Phineas III: Oh, right. You have other sisters, don’t you? Well, rest assured, we’ll make sure they have a nice seat in the dungeon, along with you—

[He pauses to conduct a quick headcount.]

King Phineas III: One, two, three, four? How can this be? There’s supposed to be five of you.

Lily: Naba ga.

[The guards turn to see that Lily had escaped during the confusion.]

Lana: Alright, Lily! Quick, go get Lori! Tell her we— mmph!

[One of the guards clamps his hand on Lana’s mouth, preventing her from speaking.]

King Phineas III: Catch that mangy mutt! I want it put down!

''[Lana snarls in protest, flailing with all her might. Luan sighs.]''

Luan: [melodramatically] Is this the end of the House of Lo’ud?! Will this mad tyrant continue to rule the land with an iron fist?! [her tone suddenly becomes mischievous] Or is he just blowing smoke?

''[One of Luan’s smoke bombs goes off, marring everyone’s vision. Luan’s signature giggle is heard, becoming fainter and fainter.]''

Lynn: Aw, what?! Why didn’t you use those before?!

King Phineas III: [enraged] Seize that meddlesome bard and the wolf! And throw these three into the dungeon!

[The guards comply, scattering everywhere while Lana, Lola, and Lynn and hauled off.]

***

[We cut to the dining room, where Lola is glowering at Lincoln.]

Lola: You set us up!

Lynn: Yeah, what’s up with that king? You were baiting us to attack, weren’t you?!

Lincoln: Girls, girls. Everything will be revealed in due time. It’s all part of the campaign.

Lisa: Though to be perfectly blunt, Lincoln did warn Lola that the odds were against her.

Lana: [pouts] Maybe he could’ve done that before the butthead king insulted her to her face.

Lori: Guys, I’m sure Lincoln knows what he’s doing. And don’t worry; we’re gonna rescue you.

Lola: [sulks] You’d better.

Lincoln: [clears his throat] Alright, let us continue. Lori, your party has just reached the foothills that lead to the castle…

''[We cut back to the fantasy world. As Lori’s group ventures forward, Luna gives Lucy a concerned look.]''

Luna: You gonna be alright, luv?

Lucy: [shrugs] Don’t worry about me. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been misjudged by the ignorant masses.

Lisa: That being said, we should exercise caution. You heard the innkeeper. If the king knows there is a warlock among us, the consequences will be dire.

Lucy: Relax. The king won’t even know I’m there.

[Lucy reaches into her robes and takes out a spell book.]

Lucy: [reading from the book] Wing of bat, and tiger’s ear/Cause the caster to disappear!

''[In a puff of smoke, Lucy vanishes before everyone’s eyes. Leni gasps in horror.]''

Leni: Lucy?! Lucy, where’d you go?! I know those mean guards want to hurt you, but you didn’t have to leave! We would’ve protected you!

Lucy’s voice: Sigh. I’m still here, Leni. I just cast an invisibility spell on myself so that I could travel with you guys undetected.

Leni: Oh. Well, we’re still gonna make sure nothing bad happens to you.

Lisa: Out of curiosity, what are the limits of this incantation?

Lucy’s voice: It only lasts an hour, or until I use another spell.

Lori: Then we’re gonna have to hurry. Onward, sisters!

???: Guys! Guys!

''[Luan comes barreling down the hill with Lily at her heels. She stops in front of Lori, catching her breath.]''

Luna: Blimey! You look completely ragged, you do! What 'appened?

Leni: We already know what happened, Luna. Weren’t you paying attention?

Lincoln (exasperated voice over): Leni, your character wasn’t there, remember?

Leni: Oh, right. Sorry, Lincoln.

Luan: Guys, you’re not gonna believe this, but I think the king has something against the House of Lo’ud! When we tried to meet him, he started taunting us about Lola, and then she got mad, and, well, you can guess the rest.

Luna: [snorts] I knew that king bloke couldn’t be trusted. We gotta bust ‘em out!

Lisa: And how do you propose we do that? If what Luan says is accurate, the castle guards are probably on high alert and looking for us. [she takes out an abacus and starts making some calculations] If we were to attempt a full-frontal assault, the odds of us succeeding in liberating our captured siblings would be an abysmal fifteen thousand three hundred and forty-four to one.

Luna: Who gives a toss about our bloody odds?! Our sisters are in danger! We have to do something!

Lori: Well, that goes without saying. But, what can we do?

''[The sisters all think for a moment. Suddenly, Luan perks up, and a grin spreads across her face.]''

Luan: Girls, I think I have an idea. [she reaches into her pockets and begins pulling out her feather boa and body paint]

Lisa: Dare I ask what you plan to attempt with those miscellaneous objects?

Luan: Let me worry about that part. You guys worry about sneaking into the castle.

[The other sisters look at each other and shrug.]

Lori: It’s not like we have any better ideas. Alright, we’ll leave this one to you, Luan.

Luan: [smirks] Just leave everything to the Clown Princess of Pranking.

***

''[We cut to the castle gates, where two guards stand on high alert. Suddenly, Luan runs up to them. Her entire body is painted blue, and the feather boa is wrapped around her entire body. She staggers back and forth, as though she were delirious.]''

Luan: Ow~! Oh, the pain! Wh-what happened while I was out?

Guard 1: [arches an eyebrow] What’s the matter with you?

Luan: I-I don’t know. I was just walking through the street minding my own business, when the next thing I know, I ended up like this! I-I think I’ve been mugged!

Guard 2: Mugged, you say?

Luan: Yeah! I-it happened just outside the inn! Please! You have to find them!

''[There is a pregnant pause as the sound of a die being rolled across the table is heard. The guards narrow their eyes.]''

Guard 1: Wait a minute. You’re that bard who tells the bad jokes!

Luan: [blanches] Oh dear.

Guard 2: You’re coming with us, missy!

Luan: Well, th-that’s an interesting offer. But allow me to make a counter-proposal. RUN AWAY~!

[Luan darts off as fast as her legs can carry her.]

Guard 1: Hey! Halt, in the name of the king!

''[One guard chases Luan while the other goes into the castle to sound the alarm. Meanwhile, the rest of the party peak their heads out from behind the wall.]''

Lisa: I… highly doubt that this was her intention.

Lori: Whatever. At least she’s distracting them. Now we can get in and rescue the others.

Leni: But, what about Luan?

Lori: She’ll be fine. I think. I hope…

''[Lori’s demeanor wavers as she sees Leni’s pleading puppy-dog eyes. She sighs.]''

Lori: Fine. Luna, you’d better go help Luan.

Luna: On it, guv’na. [she darts off]

Lori: Okay, Lily. We don’t know where the dungeons are, so we’re counting on you to follow Lana’s scent and lead us to her. Got it?

Lily: Aw aw~!

[Lily begins sniffing around, leading the rest of the Louds through the castle.]

***

[We cut to the dungeons, where Lynn is trying to bend the bars of her cell.]

Lynn: [straining] C’mon, you stupid…

Lana: I really don’t think that’s gonna work, Lynn.

Lola: Y’know, instead of making wisecracks, you could help. Can’t you, I don’t know, turn into a dog and dig us out or something?

???: I would not recommend that.

''[A mysterious voice (which again, sounds a lot like Lincoln’s) echos throughout the cell. The three sisters look around, wondering where it came from.]''

Lola: Who said that? Show yourself!

???: Over here, Your Majesty.

''[One of the bricks in the cell wall starts to come loose as someone on the other side pushes it. Curious, Lynn dislodges the brick entirely, revealing a pair of eyes.]''

Lynn: Um, okay. Who are you?

???: That’s not important right now. What is important is that it’s not wise to use magic here. The king’s sorcerers have set up enchantments all throughout the castle. Should you use magic, the king will know.

Lana: Uh-huh. And why should we trust you?

???: I don’t know. Why should you? I’m merely a prisoner here, just like you. But here’s something to think about: Do I have a reason to lie about this?

Lola: Okay, you’re seriously making my brain hurt. Just tell us who you are already! As princess, I command you!

???: You… aren’t really in a position to be making demands. Then again, neither am I. So, how about this? We can help each other escape.

Lynn: [crosses her arms] And how do we know you won’t just rat us out to the king if we help you, huh?

???: I am bound by my service to the House of Lo’ud. I would never, ever betray any of you.

Lana: Wait. You work for the House of Lo’ud?

???: Correct. Alas, proving it is rather difficult in my current situation.

Lola: [dryly] Gee, how convenient.

???: [sighs] I understand. You are right to be wary of a stranger like myself. But I really think we can help each other. What say you?

''[An arm reaches through the hole in the cell wall. It is clad in a familiar-looking orange sleeve. Before any of them can decide, there is a noise from upstairs.]''

Lana: Huh? Wh-what was that?

''[The three sisters peer into the darkness. The twins huddle together while Lynn snorts and stands firm.]''

Lynn: If you want the princess, you’ll have to go through me first!

''[There is a pause as the three sisters wait with baited breath. Finally, Lily steps into the light.]''

Lily: Poo-poo.

Lana: [opens one eye tentatively] Lily?

''[Lily darts in, squeezing through the bars and pouncing on top of Lana. She begins licking her face.]''

Lana: [giggling] O-okay, okay! Down, girl!

''[The other sisters appear, apart from Lucy, who’s still invisible. Lola stands up, brushes herself off, and clears her throat.]''

Lola: [haughtily] About time you got here.

Lori: [dryly] Yeah, you’re welcome.

Leni: Hang on, guys! I’ll have you out in a jiffy.

''[Leni takes one of her lock picks and works her magic. Instead of the rattling of metal, the sound of a die rolling across the table is heard. With a satisfying click, the door swings open.]''

Lana: Great! Let’s get outta here!

Lisa: Now now. We mustn’t be too hasty. First, we need to retrieve your armaments.

Lynn: But this castle is huge! How do we know where they’re keeping our stuff?

???: I know.

[All eyes turn to the wall.]

Lori: Um, who’s that?

Lola: He says he serves the House of Lo’ud. We don’t know anything else.

???: I can tell you where the king has stored your weapons. All I ask in return is that you bring me my sword as well.

Lori: [furrows her brow] Hmm. Sounds fishy. What do you say, guys? Should we trust him?

Lisa: [takes out her abacas and does some calculations] Given the number of rooms a castle like this would probably possess, I’d wager that it would take us approximately eighteen hours to find our supplies without any form of guidance.

Lucy’s voice: That’s time we don’t have. I say we trust him for now. But be forewarned. I have methods of punishing you that extend beyond this realm if it turns out you’re lying.

???: [gulps] Understood. The room you’re looking for is three doors down from the dungeon. You’ll find a golden door with no mechanism to open it. All confiscated items are in that room. Alas, I don’t know how to open the door. That, you will have to figure out yourselves.

Lisa: [smirks and adjusts her monocle] Luckily for us, I happen to enjoy a good puzzle. Come, siblings! Let us make haste to this enigmatic armory!

[The Loud sisters leave the dungeon.]

***

''[We cut back to Luna and Luan. Luan ends up cornered in a back alley.]''

Guard 1: Nowhere to run. You’re ours now.

Luna: Oy! Get your bloody mitts off me little sister, y’blighters!

[The guards turn around, all of them gripping their weapons tight.]

Guard 1: Oh? And what are you going to do about it?

[Luna smirks and unslings her lute from her back.]

Luna: Try this on for size!

''[Luna begins strumming out a jamming baseline. Though her tunes seem to disorient some of the guards, a few of them remain steadfast. One of the more-resilient guardsmen charges for her, tackling her to the ground.]''

Guard 2: Is that all you’ve got?

''[Luna feels around her person, but she soon remembers that she didn’t buy any weapons. She swallows.]''

Luna: Aw, bugger.

Luan: Hang on, fellow bard!

''[Luan throws another smoke bomb, blinding the guards. In the confusion, she takes Luna’s hand and runs towards the castle.]''

***

[Back at the castle, the sisters approach the room described by the stranger.]

Lisa: Well, his directions were indeed accurate.

Leni: Yeah, but, like, how do we get in?

[Lisa observes the door carefully for a few seconds.]

Lisa: Hmm. While there is no keyhole, the material doesn’t appear to be that durable. I believe I have the ingredients to concoct a simple acid that will dissolve this door. Bear with me a moment.

''[Lisa takes out her flasks and begins mixing ingredients into them. Instead of liquid pouring, the sound of a die rolling across the table is heard. Suddenly, her concoction explodes in her face. We cut back to the dining room, where Lisa is giving Lincoln a bemused look.]''

Lisa: [snippily] Oh, my mistake. I was under the impression that we engaged in these leisurely activities in order to escape from the rigors of our everyday existence, not relive them.

Lincoln: [sheepishly] Sorry, Lisa. That’s just how the game goes sometimes. Believe me, I’ve made plenty of bad rolls in the past. It happens to the best of us.

Lynn: [cracks her knuckles] Looks like I’m up. Lisa said the door wasn’t durable, right? I bet I can bust it down.

Lincoln: Are you sure you want to do that?

Lynn: Positive.

Lincoln: Then roll the die.

[We cut back to the fantasy world, where Lynn is doing some lunges.]

Lynn: Okay. One… two… three! Charge~!

''[Lynn rushes for the door as though she were a football lineman. Sure enough, the door buckles from her tackle, but not before shooting several jolts of electricity through her body. She collapses in a heap next to Lisa.]''

Lana: What the heck?! No one said anything about the door being booby-trapped!

Lori: Well, it is where the king is keeping our stuff. I don’t think he’d make it that easy.

Lola: But now what’re we gonna do?

''[Leni furrows her brow and strokes her chin. Suddenly, her face lights up.]''

Leni: Wait a minute, guys. It says here that rogues are good at disarming traps! Maybe I can get it open!

Lori: [shrugs] Worth a shot. We’ve literally tried everything else.

''[Leni scours the door, tapping on specific sections and listening carefully. With a satisfying buzz, the door loses some of its luster and falls away, revealing a massive treasure trove. Sure enough, inside the room sits Lynn’s axe and shield, Lola’s mace, and Lana’s war hammer. There is also a golden sword embedded in a mountain of gold coins.]''

Lana: Alright! Score! Great work, Leni!

Leni: [blushes] Aw, shucks.

Lucy’s voice: Guys, now’s not the time to celebrate. We should get our stuff and get out of here.

Leni: And we have to get the mystery man’s sword. We promised.

Lori: Okay, fine. But be quick about it. [she turns to Lynn and Lisa] As for you two, you look like you could use some healing.

Lynn: W-wait, Lori! Don’t heal us!

Lori: [sighs] Lynn, I know you like to fight through the pain, but you can barely stand. I’d rather get you out of here in one piece.

Lynn: No, it’s not that! The guy said—

''[But it’s too late. Lori casts her healing spell, patching up Lynn and Lisa’s wounds. After a beat, the lights of the castle begin to flicker and glow. Bolts of energy rain down on the sisters. One strikes Lucy, disabling her invisibility spell.]''

Lori: Wh-what’s going on?!

Lynn: I tried to warn you. The guy said the castle has magic sensors. If you use magic, it sets off the alarm.

Lori: Oh. Heh. Whoops.

''[Just then, there is a mighty screech from the right. The girls turn to see a massive griffon charging for them.]''

Lisa: I believe now is a good time to skedaddle.

Lynn: Ditto.

''[The Loud sisters flee for their lives. They round a corner to hide from the griffon, who flies right by them.]''

Lori: [panting heavily] I-I think we lost him. [she looks around] Wait. Where’s Leni?

''[The girls peer around the corner. They see that the door to the dungeons is wide open. Lori sighs.]''

Lori: Of course.

[Lori leads the sisters into the dungeon, where Leni is presenting the golden sword to the stranger.]

Leni: Here’s your sword back!

[The stranger takes the sword in hand, and it glows in his grip.]

???: I always knew I could trust you. Now, I can finally stand with you, where I truly belong!

''[The dungeon wall suddenly collapses. From the rubble appears Lincoln, dressed in golden armor. The girls’ jaws drop.]''

Lola: Lincoln?!

Lincoln: Indeed, ’tis I, Sir Lincoln the Noble, loyal paladin of the House of Lo’ud! [he kneels before Lola] It is an honor to serve you again, Your Majesty.

Lori: [dumbfounded] I… have… a lot of questions.

Lincoln: I’m sure you do, milady. But they’ll have to wait. For now, we must flee this wretched place!

[A screech is heard as the griffon appears at the entrance to the dungeon.]

Lynn: Dang it! We’re trapped!

Lana: Don’t worry! I’ll handle this birdbrain!

''[Lana makes another attempt to lift her war hammer. Once again, she struggles. After a few seconds, she manages to lift it off the ground, only to hear a familiar crackling beneath her feet. She looks down and sees the floor beginning to crumble. She groans.]''

Lana: Oh, come on!

''[The floor gives way, causing her to fall. Once again, the hammer is caught on the edges of the hole, leaving Lana dangling.]''

Lucy: Sigh. [she takes out her spell book] Leaves of ivy, nose of hound/Lift this one right off the ground!

''[The war hammer levitates into the air, carrying Lana with it. The griffon screeches again.]''

Lisa: I believe I have a solution to this quandary. Stand back!

''[Lisa tosses back her vest, unveiling several glowing flasks. She takes one and throws it at the griffon. It shatters, splashing its contents on the creature. The griffon rasps, weakened by the chemicals.]''

Lisa: There’s our opening! Come, siblings!

''[The Loud siblings dash past the griffon, with Lana being carried by Lucy’s magic. They run out of the castle, bumping into Luna and Luan along the way.]''

Luna: Phew! Glad to see you all are as right as rain!

Lincoln: [grimly] It’s not over yet. The king’s men will no doubt be looking for us. [he points to a forest] There. That forest should provide us with cover. We can rest there for the night. I’ll explain everything once we set up camp.

Lisa: That appears to be the optimal solution.

Luan: Though I have to wonder what that king has against the House of Lo’ud.

Lola: Yeah! Why’s he such a meanie?

Lincoln: [sighs] Like I said, I shall explain everything to you. I suggest you all get comfortable; it’s quite a tale…

[The sound of a doorbell is heard, and we cut back to the dining room.]

Lori: Sounds like the pizza’s here.

Lincoln: [grins] Perfect timing. During our campaigns, we Labyrinth Lords usually like to deliver our exposition over dinner.

Lisa: [smirks] Indeed, it's quite apropos that we shall be supping while our in-game avatars are setting up camp.

Leni: Wait, so, like, we’re eating pizza in the game and in real life?

[Beat]

Lori: Lisa, why don’t you field this one? I’m gonna go pay for the pies.

Lisa: [sighs] Very well. But it’s your turn next time.

***

''[A puff of smoke serves as the scene transition. We soon see shadow puppetry acting out Lincoln’s story as he narrates.]''

Lincoln (dramatic voice over): Not too long ago, Regal Oaks and the surrounding villages were ruled by the House of Lo’ud. It was not a perfect kingdom by any means, but the citizens always knew that even at their worst, their rulers were good people with good hearts. But Margaret Moschet, the evil Lamia Queen, wanted what we had.

Now, the Lamia Queen attacking the kingdom was certainly nothing new. People have defended the land from her tyranny for centuries. But her latest scheme is her most devastating yet. A few years ago, she sent her mischievous goblin chefs to set fire to our palace. I tried to fend them off, but alas, I was captured.

Once the wicked deed was done, Margaret Moschet spread rumors that the fire was caused by the warlocks, and that the lovely Princess Lola was dead. In her stead, King Phineas III was crowned. However, there is no record of any man by that name being born in the kingdom. That man is none other than Margaret’s husband, Jack Moschet. And he will do anything to prevent the House of Lo’ud from reclaiming what’s rightfully ours.

Within the walls of his castle, he keeps our most sacred possessions under lock and key. Without them, we cannot hope to stand up to the Lamia Queen’s magic. But if we work together, we can put an end to this madness.

[As Lincoln’s exposition concludes, we see the Loud siblings huddled around a large campfire eating pizza-shaped rations.]

Lola: So that’s why the king was such a big meanie-pants. He was working for that icky snake lady the whole time!

Luan: He’s not gonna get away with this! Lamia-t him, lamia-t him! [laughs] Get it?

[The party groans.]

Lisa: As much as I, too, would like to deliver justice to those charlatans, I believe our battles have exhausted our stamina.

Leni: Yeah, and my cloak is all ruined! I need to change outfits!

[Beat]

Lisa: Yes, that too, I suppose.

Lori: [reading from her tome] Well, it says here that I can recharge my spells by resting at camp. So, maybe we should call it a night and attack in the morning.

Lincoln: Sounds like a great idea. I shall stand first watch.

Lisa: Allow me to join you, o noble paladin. I will need to synthesize some new potions for our upcoming confrontation. [she gives Lincoln a pointed look] Potions that hopefully will not spontaneously combust.

Lincoln: [chuckles nervously] Right…

Luna: Oy, Linc! Check it. I’ve got this Song of Rest spell right ‘ere. It says I can use this to help us recover while we catch some zs. Think it’ll come in handy?

Lincoln: [gives Luna a thumbs up] Absolutely, Luna. Play on.

Luna: You got it, guv’na.

''[Luna strums out a calming medieval tune on her lute. A soothing purple aura emanates from her as she plays, encompassing the Loud siblings and revitalizing their spirits. While the others go to sleep, Lincoln keeps a sharp lookout, and Lisa mixes her potions.]''

***

''[The next day in-game, the party is hiking through the woods. Leni is now sporting a mauve cloak which better compliments her makeup. Lola is at the lead, though she looks rather disgruntled.]''

Lola: How come I’m leading the way? I’m the princess here; you guys should be in front protecting me!

Lincoln: Lola, rangers are good at tracking. You can use your skills to help us avoid patrols and sneak into the castle.

Lola: [blushes and pouts] B-but I’m not good at any of that stuff. I put all of my stuff into Charisma because princesses are supposed to be charismatic.

Lincoln: [rolls his eyes] Of course you did.

Lana: Well, don’t worry! Lily and I can do all the tracking stuff, right Lil?

Lily: Aw aw~! Awooo~!

''[Lily takes the lead, sniffing around as her siblings follow. Lana tries to follow suit, but once again, she is weighed down by her massive war hammer.]''

Lana: [grunting] Stupid thing. Why didn’t anyone tell me this was gonna be so heavy?

[There’s a beat as everyone gives Lana a pointed look.]

Lana: What?

Lincoln: [sighs] Never mind.

''[The party emerges from the forest. There stands the castle, its walls teeming with guards. Griffons and manticores circle overhead.]''

Lisa: Methinks they are expecting us.

Lincoln: [draws his sword] Well, we’re prepared for them, too. Let’s send that Lamia Queen back to the nether realm where she belongs.

Lucy: Can we send her somewhere else? I do not want such a toxic individual polluting my plane of existence.

[Beat]

Lincoln: Okay, not the nether realm. But we’re still going to defeat her and take back what’s ours, right guys?

Loud Sisters: Right!

Lincoln: [nods] Then let’s break into that castle. Lucy, if you would?

[Lucy nods and takes out her spell book.]

Lucy: Claw of crow and toe of frog/Summon forth a great thick fog!

''[Sure enough, a thick fog encompasses the area. Off in the distance, the guards are hollering in confusion. The Loud siblings sneak through the fog as quietly as they can, though Lana’s hammer is still causing complications. They make it halfway up the hill when a griffon lands in front of them.]''

Lori: [whispering] Everyone remain still. Maybe he won’t see us.

''[There is a pregnant pause as the griffon looks over the party. After a beat, it flies away. The Louds breathe a collective sigh of relief.]''

Lincoln: That was too close. C’mon.

[The Louds proceed up the hill and finally make it to the castle walls.]

Luna: So, um…  Any ideas on how we get inside?

Lynn: Well, it’s not like we can just knock on the front door. [punches her palm] I say we bash the wall down.

Lisa: And subsequently alert all of Jack Moschet’s watchmen to our presence? I can see why your character doesn’t have a high Intelligence stat.

Lynn: Oh, like you have a better idea?

Lisa: I might, actually. Seeing as the king is nothing more than a facade, it stands to reason that his castle is a facade as well. Ergo, there is a high probability of a secret entrance on the premises that leads to the Lamia Queen’s true lair.

Lori: That’s all fine and dandy, Lisa. But, how do we find it?

Lisa: [smirks] With this.

[Lisa takes out a flask filled with a mysterious turquoise liquid.]

Lisa: This is a Perception Potion. Whosoever drinks this will have their senses heightened for a short time, thus allowing them to detect anything unnatural in our environment. Any volunteers?

''[The Loud siblings look nervously at one another. None of them venture forward. Lisa deadpans.]''

Lisa: And once again, this is hitting a bit too close to home for me, as the parlance goes.

Lincoln: [sighs] Sorry, Lisa. I’ll drink it. It is my duty as a knight of the House of Lo’ud. Besides, my character has a high Constitution stat.

''[Lincoln takes the potion from Lisa and quaffs it. He lets out a small belch, and the sound of a die rolling across the table is heard. Suddenly, his pupils dilate and shimmer. He furrows his brow and looks around the castle wall.]''

Lola: Well?

Lincoln: There.

''[Lincoln points with his sword at a brick in the wall. Curious, Lola walks over and taps the brick with her mace. The brick recedes into the wall, revealing a secret passage.]''

Lisa: See? Perfectly stable. Not all of my experiments end in catastrophic failure. Shall we press onward?

''[The Louds venture into the catacombs of the castle. It is nothing like the luxurious fortress above. The corridors are completely enshrouded in darkness, with only dim torches providing any source of illumination. A rotten stench hangs in the air, and otherworldly chattering echoes throughout the chamber. Lola shivers and hides behind Lincoln.]''

Lincoln: Have no fear, Your Majesty. I will not let anything bad happen to you. [he looks at his sisters] To any of you.

Luna: Kinda wish we had a map. This place is like a maze.

Leni: Yeah, and it’s so gross down here, too. I’m gonna have to change outfits.

Lynn: [raising an eyebrow] Again? Is now really the best time?

[Luan suddenly perks up.]

Luan: Wait a second, guys. What if we use Leni’s extra clothes as a trail to mark our progress? That way, we’ll know where we’ve been, and we won’t get lost!

Leni: [pouts] But I need these clothes for fashion emergencies.

Lincoln: I’d say this qualifies as an emergency. Besides, you can always buy more clothes.

[Leni’s expression softens.]

Leni: Oh, right. Good point.

''[They enact Luan’s plan, leaving a trail of dirty cloaks as Leni keeps changing outfits. Eventually, she is back in her aquamarine cloak. The Louds stumble across a T-shaped corridor with a door straight ahead and a door to the left.]''

Lucy: Hmm. I’ll check out the door ahead for any incantations.

Luan: Sounds good. I’ll check out the door to the left.

Leni: And I will go right!

Lori: [facepalms] Leni, there’s literally nothing to the—

[She is interrupted by Lincoln raising his hand and shaking his head.]

Lincoln: No no no. Let her go right.

Lori: What? Why? You’re the one who made this map; you know what’s there.

Lincoln: It’s not the Labyrinth Lord’s job to make decisions for the players.

Lori: [rolls her eyes and shrugs] Alright, fine. Whatever.

''[The girls spread out. Lucy observes the door ahead, while Luan checks out the door to the left. Leni, meanwhile, simply walks into a wall. Suddenly, there is a bright flash from Lucy’s door.]''

Lucy: Gasp. This room is well-protected. It must be where all of our sacred possessions are being held.

Lynn: Then it looks like we’ll have to…

Lisa: Here it comes…

Lynn: …find another way around.

Lisa: And there it— [does a double take] Wait, what?

Lynn: [smirks] See? I learn.

Lisa: [smirks back] Well played, fifth eldest siblings. Well played.

Luan: Guys, shh! I think I hear something.

''[A hush falls over the party as Luan puts her ear to the door. Sure enough, the sound of laughing is heard on the other side.]''

Lincoln: [narrows his eyes] I recognize that laughter. Those are the Lamia Queen’s goblin chefs.

Lola: [scratches her head] So, is that the kitchen?

Lori: Only one way to find out. Leni, stop walking into that wall and get your lock picks ready.

Luan: Actually, I know how to handle this.

Lori: [raises an eyebrow] Wait, you do? This isn’t going to involve the body paint and the feather boa again, is it?

Luan: Oh, no no no no no. This one’s much simpler. Observe.

[Luan clears her throat and knocks on the door.]

Luan: Knock knock~!

[Beat]

Goblin Chef: Who’s there?

Luan: Knife!

''[The sound of dice rolling across the table is heard. The goblin chef opens the door.]''

Goblin Chef: Knife who?

Luan: Knife to meecha!

''[Luan then stabs the goblin in the face. As the goblin falls, it reveals a kitchen full of goblins behind it. The goblins are caught completely by surprised and start scrambling about.]''

Luan: Now that’s what I call a practical joke! [laughs] Get it?

Lincoln: Let’s seize this opportunity, sisters! For the House of Lo’ud!

''[The Louds raise a battle cry and rush into the kitchen. While Luna and Lori remain in the background providing support, the other sisters fight the hoard of goblins.]''

Lynn: Heads up!

''[Lynn smacks the goblin with her axe, sending it flying. It lands into a boiling cauldron in the fireplace.]''

Lynn: Woo~! Score one for Lynn!

''[Several goblins brandish throwing knives and take aim at Lola. Lucy opens her spell book.]''

Lucy: Gall of goat, slips of yew/Turn clumsy fingers into glue!

''[The goblins find themselves unable to throw their knives. Confused, they try to pull the knives free, only to end up in a large, sticky mess. Lucy chuckles at their misery.]''

Lisa: This time, the proverbial shoe is on the other foot!

''[Lisa takes her flasks and mixes several chemicals. She then throws them at the goblins. The  concoctions explode in their faces, blinding them. As they run around in circles panicking, one burly goblin approaches Lana. Lana sneers.]''

Lana: Here, hold this for a minute, will ya?

''[Lana hands the goblin her massive war hammer. After a beat, a familiar crackling sound in heard. The goblin looks down and turns pale just as the floor beneath him gives way.]''

Lana: [hollering to the goblin] Thanks!

''[Lana then transforms into a wolf and howls triumphantly. She pounces towards another goblin, biting it in the butt. As the goblin joins its brethren in a blind panic, one goblin has Lola backed into a corner.]''

Lola: Back! Back, you icky monsters!

''[Lola swings her mace wildly, fending the goblin off. In the struggle, however, it manages to tear her gown with its cleaver. Lola gasps.]''

Lola: My gown! [her eyes burn with rage] I will END YOU~!

''[She pounces on the unfortunate goblin and begins tugging on its ears with all her might. The goblin howls in pain and begs for mercy. Meanwhile, Leni waves her knife frantically.]''

Leni: Eek! Ew ew ew ew ew~! Stay away from me! Lincoln, why did you have to make us fight these disgusting things?!

Lincoln: [turns to Leni as he’s fending off a goblin] What? Goblins are standard low-level enemies.

Leni: Do they have to be this gross, though?! Ew ew ew~!

Lori: Well, at least they’re not spiders.

Leni: [shrieks] AH~! SPIDER~!

''[She slashes her knife, accidentally cutting a rope. A chandelier falls from the ceiling, crushing the goblins. Leni blinks and stares at the mess for a beat.]''

Leni: I, uh…  I meant to do that.

Lori: [gives Leni a knowing smirk] Sure you did, Leni.

''[At this point, the room is practically clear of goblins. As Lincoln fends off the last one, he notices something by the cauldron.]''

Lincoln: Guys, look over there! There’s a secret passageway hidden behind the cauldron!

[Lori takes a moment to flip through her tome.]

Lori: Ah, here we go! Protection from Flames! But I can only cast it on one of you.

[Lola hops off the goblin she was brutalizing and approaches Lori.]

Lola: I’ll go. I’m small enough to fit through there.

Lana: You sure about that? I can—

Lola: [shakes her head] No, Lana. Just because I’m fabulous doesn’t mean I shouldn’t help out. I’m part of the House of Lo’ud too, y’know. And we all have to pitch in.

[Beat]

Lincoln: Are you sure you want to do that, Lola?

Lola: [nods] Uh-huh.

Lincoln: [smiles] Very well then. Lori, roll the die.

''[Lori casts the spell on Lola. Lola ventures through the fireplace. Just as Lincoln described, there is a secret passage hidden beyond the flames. When she pokes her head through, her eyes sparkle.]''

Lola: Guys, you have to get in here! It’s our stuff!

''[Lisa douses the flames with one of her potions, and the Louds slip into the secret passage one by one. Just as Lola described, it’s a massive treasure trove filled with sparkling gems and mountains of gold. But most eye-catching of all are eleven items on eleven individual pedestals. These items are an earring, a stunningly beautiful cloak, a golden lute, an idol shaped like Mr. Coconuts, a large club with a four-leaf clover insignia carved into it, a platinum shield, a bust of Edwin, a tiara, a dog treat, a tome bursting with scientific notes, and a blanket.]''

Luan: Wow. When you said “our most valuable possessions,” you weren’t kidding.

Lori: Wait, why’s mine an earring?

Lincoln: Why, Lori. Do you not recognize it? The gift from your betrothed, Sir Bobby the Pure?

[Lori blushes slightly.]

Lori: Well played, little bro.

???: Trespassers! Thieves! You will not escape!

''[The passage behind the Louds slams shut, and a terrifying thunderclap is heard. In a flash of light, a large serpent woman rears up, her hood flared. Next to her is King Phineas III, who is giving the Louds a slow clap.]''

King Phineas III: Well done, House of Lo’ud. Well done. I never imagined you’d make it this far. But this is where your story ends.

Lynn: [snarls] You wouldn’t be so tough if you weren’t hiding behind that wife of yours, Jack!

King Phineas III: Oh, wouldn’t I?

''[Right before our heroes’ eyes, King Phineas III transforms into a towering beast with grey fur, a shaggy mane, rows upon rows of razor-sharp teeth, and horns on his head. He lets out a powerful bellow, shaking the room. From above, griffons and manticores swoop down, roaring and screeching.]''

Lynn: [sneers] I stand by what I said. You’re going down, buster! You and the Lamia Queen!

Margaret Moschet: Fools! Without your most valuable possessions, you’re powerless before me! This land is mine to rule; mine to control!

Lola: No it’s not! It’s ours! All of ours! ‘Cause we’re gonna kick your butt together! Right, Lincoln?!

Lincoln: Couldn’t have said it better myself, Your Majesty. [draws his blade] For the House of Lo’ud!

Loud Sisters: [draw their weapons] For the House of Lo’ud!

Lily: Naba ga ga ga! Awooo~!

''[The Louds charge for their foes, who meet them in turn. Once again, Lori and Luna remain in the background. Luna starts up an inspiring tune to keep everyone invigorated.]''

Lincoln: Leni, you get our stuff! It’s the only way we can counter the Lamia Queen’s magic!

Leni: On it!

''[Leni tries to sneak around the treasure room. A manticore notices her and lands before her, stinger raised and wings outspread.]''

Lana: I gotcha, Leni!

''[Lana turns into a frog and snags the manticore’s stinger with her tongue. After a struggle, she slams the stinger into the manticore’s own back, causing it to howl in pain. Leni gives Lana a thumbs up before continuing to sneak through the room.]''

Luan: It seems you guys still don’t get the point!

''[Luan lunges forwards, stabbing a griffon with her knife. She notices a manticore sneaking up behind her.]''

Luan: Well, you know what they say. You reap what you sow!

''[She slashes with her sickle, cutting off the manticore’s tail. Lori gives her a bemused look.]''

Lori: Did you literally pick a sickle as your weapon just so you could make that pun?

Luan: [shrugs] Worth it.

''[Jack Moschet towers over Lynn, letting out a powerful roar. Lynn stands firm and rolls up her sleeves.]''

Lynn: Yo, Lis’! Got any potions for Big and Ugly over here?

Lisa: As a matter of fact, I have managed to synthesize a Potion of Giant Strength precisely for this scenario.

Lynn: Perfect! Toss it over!

''[Lisa complies. Lynn catches the flask and chugs the contents. Her muscles swells in size, and she grins evilly at Jack.]''

Lynn: This is for all the rotten stuff you said about our family! No one disses the House of Lo’ud and gets away with it!

''[She grapples with the beast, and the two begin to wrestle. Jack exhales, spraying Lynn with a petrifying breath. Lynn grunts as she slowly turns to stone.]''

Lori: Lynn! Hang on!

''[Lori raises her mace, and a bolt of lightning strikes Lynn. Her body reverts back to flesh, and she starts forcing Jack back. The griffons swoop in to help their master.]''

Lola: Not on my watch! Lincoln, give me a boost!

''[Lincoln nods and kneels down, placing his arms forward. Lola rushes towards him, and he tosses her into the air. She lands on the back of a griffon and begins holding on for dear life.]''

Lola: C’mon, you stupid bird! Obey your princess!

''[In the confusion, the griffon breaks ranks and rams into its brethren. Lola hops from griffon to griffon, forcing them to crash into one another.]''

Lisa: Quite curious. Throughout the battle, the Lamia Queen has opted to just sit there. What’s she planning?

''[As if to answer her question, Margaret casts a spell on Leni. Leni suddenly feels stiff and sluggish, as though time for her has slowed to a crawl.]''

Lisa: In hindsight, I should’ve seen that coming. Luna! Do you perchance know a Song of Haste?

Luna: [smirks] One Song of Haste, comin’ right up!

''[Margaret shifts her gaze to Luna and begins prepping another spell. Lucy catches her.]''

Lucy: Oh, no you don’t. [she opens her spell book] Eye of cat, and claw of bear/Show her more than what is there!

''[Suddenly, several clones of Luna pop up all over the chamber. Margaret is stymied, unsure of where to aim her spell. Luna sneers.]''

Luna: Can you see the real me, luv? Can ya? Can ya?!

''[She launches right into her Song of Haste, freeing Leni from the Lamia Queen’s spell. As Leni reaches the trinkets, there is a cavernous thump as Lynn manages to pin Jack to the wall.]''

Lynn: No shame in throwing in the towel, Jackie Boy. Give it up.

Jack Moschet: N-n-never! You Louds are all bugs beneath my heel! Bugs that I will crush!

Lynn: I was hoping you’d say that.

''[Lynn gives Jack Moschet a crushing bearhug, which she converts into a powerful suplex. Jack is down for the count.]''

Lynn: And now for Round Two.

''[She sets her sights on Margaret, who merely smiles back. She suddenly teleports behind Lynn, wrapping around her body. Lynn growls as she struggles in the Lamia Queen’s binds.]''

Lynn: Guys? L-little help here!

Lisa: Hold on!

''[Lisa tosses her flask at Margaret. The potion drenches her scales, but it has no effect. Lucy tries to cast a spell, but it simply bounces off her hide. Lola jumps off of a griffon and strikes the Lamia Queen with her mace, but she is merely thrown off.]''

Luan: I’m gonna have to axe you to let my sister go!

''[She smashes her lute against Margaret’s side, causing it to shatter into a thousand pieces. Luna sighs and shakes her head.]''

Luna: No no no, luv. That’s no way to smash a guitar. This is how you smash a guitar!

''[Luna charges and smashes her own lute into Margaret’s side. It, too, shatters into a thousand pieces. But once again, the Lamia Queen is unscathed. She brushes some dust off her shoulder, squeezing Lynn all the while.]''

Margaret: You poor, deluded Louds. I am invincible! My magic puts my body into temporal stasis! Nothing you do can touch me!

Lana: We’re not giving up! C’mon, Lily!

Lily: A-ga-wooo~!

''[Lana transforms into a wolf and howls along with her sister. The two pounce and bite Margaret, but she simply shakes them off.]''

Lori: Ugh! Literally nothing is working! Lincoln, what do we do?!

Lincoln: We need to get our possessions back! It’s the only way to counter her magic!

Leni: You mean these possessions?

''[Margaret’s eyes go wide. She whips around, only to see Leni holding all of the sacred items. She first tosses the golden lute to Luna, who gives Leni a thumbs up.]''

Luna: Cheers, luv!

''[Luna launches right into her Song of Haste. At lightning speed, Leni returns all of the sacred items to their rightful owners. When she’s through, she is wearing her stylish cloak. Once Lynn gets her lucky club, she smashes it against Margaret’s head. Margaret rasps in pain and loosens her grip, falling to the ground. As she raises her head, all of the Louds have their weapons pointed at her.]''

Margaret: Th-this can’t be. How? I-I thought I was rid of you when that noisy brat disappeared!

Lincoln: That’s the thing about us Louds. When you hurt one of us…

Lori: You hurt all of us.

Lola: And we’re taking back what you stole.

Lucy: As a family.

Luan: Okay, this is kinda cheesy. Are we just gonna keep finishing each other’s sentences?

[Beat]

Leni: Sentences?

Lisa: Bit late on the draw there, Leni.

Lincoln: Never it mind, Louds! It’s time to end this. Everyone, roll the die!

''[The Loud siblings let out a war cry and charge for Margaret. The great Lamia Queen is soon engulfed in a massive Loud Cloud. When the dust settles, she is vanquished.]''

Leni: Is it… is it over?

Lincoln: [smiles] It is. And we are victorious.

''[The Louds raise a great cheer. We are treated to a brief scene where Lola regains her title, and the citizens celebrate to see their princess back in power. Afterwards, we cut back to the dining room.]''

Lincoln: And that is how the House of Lo’ud managed to free the land from the tyranny of the evil Margaret Moschet. The end. [he looks up] So? What’d you guys think?

[There is a pause, which is punctuated by Lynn clearing her throat.]

Lynn: So, just to be clear, we all won, right?

Lincoln: Yep. Every one of us.

Lynn: And that means you guys won’t mind if I…?

Lori: [chuckles and rolls her eyes] Go ahead, Lynn. But just this once.

[Lynn cheers and leaps onto the table, doing her victory dance.]

Lynn: Woo~! Who’s awesome?! We’re awesome! House of Lo’ud! Cha cha, cha cha cha~! House of Lo’ud! Cha cha, cha cha cha~!

Lisa: I must confess, I was skeptical at first. But overall, this was certainly a delightful exercise in imaginative storytelling.

Leni: Totes! This game is, like, super fun!

Lana: It was kinda touch-and-go for a while, though. [she snickers] Hey, Lola. Remember when you thought the king was your dad, but it turned out he was evil?

Lola: Hmph! At least I chose a weapon that I could use, unlike you.

Lana: Right, because a fancy-shmancy mace is what all the great rangers use.

Lori: Guys, cool it. We all made our share of *ahem* questionable decisions. But that’s on us. Right, Lincoln?

Lincoln: Exactly. And now you know better for next time.

Luna: I hear that, dude.

Luan: [yawns] Ugh, I’m pooped. How long have we been—?

???: Kids? What’re you still doing up? It’s almost midnight.

[The Loud siblings turn to see their parents standing in the doorway.]

Lucy: I guess that answers that question.

Lincoln: [chuckles sheepishly] Yeah, I forgot to warn you guys. It’s super easy to lose track of time when playing this game.

Lynn Sr.: [sighs] Well, luckily, none of you have anything important tomorrow. But after you clean up here, I want you all to go straight to bed. Understood?

Loud Siblings: [in chorus] Yes, Dad.

Lincoln: Girls, I’ll clean up. You go on ahead.

Lola: Are you sure about that, Lincoln?

[Lincoln smiles and kneels before Lola.]

Lincoln: Absolutely, Your Majesty. It is my duty as your humble knight.

Lola: [giggles] Ooh, so chivalrous~. You really are like our knight in shining armor. [she then gives Lincoln a peck on the cheek and a hug] I really had fun tonight, Linky. Thanks.

Leni: Yeah, we should totally play it again sometime.

Lisa: Preferably when we have more time to spare.

Lincoln: [beams at his sisters] I told you guys you wouldn’t be disappointed.

''[The girls all say their good nights to Lincoln before marching upstairs to get ready for bed. Lincoln sighs and begins cleaning up the dining room. He looks over at the camera and smiles.]''

Lincoln: Whether it’s the Loud House or the House of Lo’ud, this family succeeds when we all come together. Even through the rough times and every mistake we make, we can rest easy knowing that we have each other’s backs. [his brow furrows] Now, what to write for our next campaign? Oh, maybe we can take a sea voyage! Those are some of the best adventures. Oh, or we could explore the mountains where the dwarves and gnomes live! Or what about…?

[Lincoln continues rattling off campaign ideas as we fade to black.]

The End



Trivia

 * The title of this tale is a reference to the Lovecraftian dungeon crawler, Darkest Dungeon.
 * Labyrinths and Lamias is an obvious nod to Dungeons and Dragons.
 * Lucy mentions the game Bloodsucker: The Charade, a reference to the vampire-based RPG, Vampire: The Masquerade.  Though in all honesty, I don't know if the creators of that game also made Dungeons and Dragons.
 * Jack Peterson is an obvious nod to Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings movies.
 * The obvious Lord of the Rings expise Luan and Lisa mention actually come from an old World of Warcraft meme, aptly-named Ruler of the Bracelet.
 * It's actually true that Isaac Newton dabbled in alchemy.
 * During the climactic battle, Luna taunts the Lamia Queen by referencing the song The Real Me by The Who.