User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: Missing Linc (Chapter 15)

Chapter 15: Party Barter
I’m just putting it out there: this is the worst mosh pit I’ve ever been in. I don’t think anything’s gonna top wading around in raw sewage. I still can’t believe Chandler managed to trick all those kids into thinking this is fun. There’s only one person I know who would enjoy this, and she’s at the pageant hall with Lola right now.

I heard a splash just behind us, and I turned to see none other than Chandler coming down from the hatch above. He was romping around in the muck with the biggest grin on his face. I don’t know if he really enjoys this like Lana would, but man, he sure sells it.

“So? Whaddya think, ladies?” he asked. “Isn’t this awesome?”

For Lana, maybe. Me, I think I’d rather change Lily’s diapers for a week. That’s somehow less disgusting.

“Oh, yeah! Totally!” Luan trilled sarcastically. “When I first heard that this was what your party was all about, my first thought was ‘what’re we wading for?’”  She laughed at her own joke. “Get it?”

Chandler laughed as well, though whether he was just playing along or actually liked Luan’s puns is anyone’s guess. Personally, I feel that was one of her better ones. ‘Cause just like her, I don’t know what we’re wading around in this slop for, either.

“Great! I knew you had good taste, just like Larry!” he said. He smile disappeared. “A shame he couldn’t make it. You wouldn’t happen to know what happened to him, would you?”

Uh-oh. If he starts catching onto Luan’s scheme, there’s no telling what he’s gonna do. Before I could come up with an excuse, Luan pulled one out of her back pocket.

“Well, this is quite a coincidence,” she said, blowing on her bubble pipe. “We were just wondering if you knew what happened to him.”

Chandler blinked. “Me? Why would I know anything? I invited him here to celebrate the Full House Gang movie. That’s just what friends do, right?”

“Yeah, about that,” I said. “Lincoln’s never talked about you before. Heck, I don’t think you’ve even been to our house.”

Chandler swallowed. “Th-that’s all water under the bridge. I’m totally over that. I-it’s not like Larry would just bail on me like last time.”

Last time? He must be talking about that exclusive birthday party Liam brought up. Why would he hold a grudge over that? Wasn’t he the one forcing Lincoln to jump through a lot of hoops just to get an invite?

“Why so nervous, chum?” Luan asked. “We’re all friends here, right?”

Chandler nodded. “Y-yeah! Any friend of Larry is a friend of mine! And friends do nice things for each other. Like say, I dunno, giving them a part in a movie?”

Ah. There we go. I’d say we’re seeing his true colors, but let’s be real. I’ve been onto him since the beginning. I mean, c’mon. What kind of friend constantly gets his buddy’s name wrong? That just doesn’t happen.

“So that’s what this is all about, huh?” said Luan, blowing some bubbles out of her bubble pipe. “You treat Lincoln to a nice little party, and in return, you expect him to give you a part in the Full House Gang movie.”

“Well, yeah,” Chandler said with a shrug. “What’s wrong with that? It’s what friends do.”

What, try to bribe each other? If I treated any of my friends like that, I wouldn’t have any friends.

“You mentioned before that you and Lincoln had some issues in the past,” I said. “Why the sudden change?”

“‘Cause Larry’s a tough guy,” said Chandler. He then trudged up close to us and dipped his voice. “Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but he and Clyde actually went through the whole House of Terror. Even I couldn’t do that! So, he’s earned my respect.”

Dude, I remember trying to train Lincoln for that House of Terror stuff. If he got further in that house than you did, maybe you’re not as tough as you think you are. Just saying.

“And like I said, I wanted to do something special for him once I heard his fan comic was gonna be made into a movie,” Chandler continued. “So, whaddya say? You think you can put in a good word for me?”

He seriously thinks we’re gonna vouch for him because he gave us the “privilege” of swimming around in a sewer? Is he nuts? Of course, I can’t just say that. We need to maintain our cover. I looked to Luan to see what she had to say.

“Hmm. I dunno,” she mused. “Lincoln was awfully sore about how you used him for favors just so that he’d get invited to your birthday party.”

Chandler’s eyes went wide. “Wh-who told you that?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Luan replied. “What matters is I’m not so sure Lincoln is gonna buy this. Heck, you hired me at the last minute with no direction whatsoever. What kind of party planner does that?”

Sweat began trickling down Chandler’s brow. “W-well, I-I honestly don’t remember hiring y—”

“Well, someone did. And frankly, I’m very disappointed,” Luan huffed.

“W-wait, hang on! Wh-what if I showed you guys something really special?” said Chandler. “It’s, like, the coolest stuff that has ever come through this place!”

I’m not sure what he means by that, and part of me doesn’t wanna know. But again, we shouldn’t blow our cover. We gotta tough it out for Lincoln.

“Let’s see what this cool stuff is first,” I said. “Then we’ll think about it.”

“O-of course! Sure!” said Chandler. “C’mon, this way!”

He waded deeper into the pit, beckoning us to follow. I turned to Luan, who simply shrugged.

“Waist deep in the big muddy, and the big jerk says to push on,” she quipped.

…

Okay, has Luan been listening to Dad’s old CDs again? Seriously, even I wouldn’t have made that reference. Heck, I’m betting you guys didn’t even know that was a song reference. Ugh, whatever. It’s just Luan being Luan.

“But seriously, we should keep our guard up,” said Luan. “I’m still not sure where Chandler stands on all this.”

Now that I think about it, neither do I. On the surface, it sounds like he doesn’t know anything about Lincoln’s disappearance. Still, I have a gut feeling that this “bigger surprise” of his is a trap meant to force Lincoln into getting him into the movie. Honestly, I don’t know what to expect from Mr. Karma Chameleon over there. But whatever it is, I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna like it.

“I’m right there with you, Lu’,” I said. “C’mon.”

We waded after Chandler. Ugh~. I can feel the sludge getting deeper and deeper by the minute. We are seriously gonna need a forty minute shower when we get home. Each.

Eventually, we reached a small alcove with a large door. There was sign on it marked “DANGER: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY”. At this point, I’m going to assume that Chandler did not get permission from his parents to do this. Heck, I don’t think even our parents would let Lana do this.

“Here we are! The most exclusive part of the plant,” said Chandler. “And I have the key.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Dude, your dad trusts you with the key to a place like that?”

Chandler sneered. “That’s the beauty of it. My dad doesn’t know I have this.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a weird-looking key. Luan took out her magnifying glass and observed it carefully.

“Interesting key you got there,” she said. “Where’d you get it?”

“That’s the crazy part. Last night, while I was getting stuff ready for the party, I found this just floating by!” said Chandler. “Someone must’ve dropped it down the toilet accidentally or something. But that’s not the best part.”

“What’s the best part?”

“This key fits into any lock I put it in! With this baby, I can go wherever I want!”

Luan’s brow furrowed. “Doesn’t that strike you as weird?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, that’s a skeleton key. It’s basically the master key of an entire building. Who’d be so careless as to flush it down the toilet?”

I gave Luan a look. “Where’d you learn that, brah?”

“Leni,” Luan said with a shrug. “You wouldn’t believe how much she knows about locks.”

Huh. My first guess was gonna be Lana, but seeing as Leni is a whizz with a lock pick, I suppose that makes sense.

“Who cares? It’s mine now,” Chandler said with a shrug. “And this is gonna unlock the adventure of a lifetime.”

And that’s somehow gonna magically convince us to ask Lincoln to include you in the Full House Gang movie, is it? I’m starting to think he didn’t think this through. Chandler moseyed up over to the door and placed the key into the keyhole. Much to his surprise, it didn’t turn. Okay, now I know he didn’t think this through.

“C-c’mon, you stupid key,” he grumbled. “Y-you’re supposed to work! You worked on every lock at school; why not here?!”

“Maybe because you’re not the master key’s master, see?” said Luan with a giggle. She then frowned. “Hmm. A bit too short for a word avalanche. Anyway, mind if I see that?”

Chandler turned and blinked. “Um, why?”

“I wanna check something.”

Chandler shrugged and handed the key to Luan, who observed it carefully with her magnifying glass. She turned the key a bit in her hand and polished it. After a few minutes of this, she turned to me.

“What’ve we got?” I asked.

“Well, one thing I know for sure is that this key doesn’t belong to the sewage treatment plant,” said Luan.

I deadpanned. “Yeah, I could’ve figured that out by the fact that it didn’t work on the safety door.”

“I’m not finished,” said Luan. “Chandler, you said you tested this key out at school, right?”

“Yeah. W-well, not my school,” said Chandler.

“Not your school,” Luan parroted.

Chandler looked around and beckoned us to come closer. “Look, I’m gonna deny saying this, but I actually broke into Royal Woods Middle School last night using that key.”

Luan stared blankly at him. “Oooookey dokie. Um, quick question: why?”

“I saw a couple of kids doing it a couple of days ago. They looked like the kinda guys who knew what was cool, y’know?”

I just had to palm my face right then and there. This kid is a real piece of work. Apparently, being the cool guy that everyone loves is better than having a lick of common sense according to him. Sheesh, how pathetic. I almost feel bad for him. Key word there is “almost;” I’m not convinced that he doesn’t have some sort of trick up his sleeve.

“Interesting,” Luan said, blowing bubbles from her bubble pipe. “Do you know exactly who those kids were?”

“I know everyone,” Chandler boasted.

“Did you happen to invite them to this shindig?” I asked.

Chandler chuckled. “Um, duh~. Only the coolest kids come to my parties.”

I love how he’s still putting on airs like his reputation is salvageable at this point. For the record, it isn’t. Jeez, and I thought Lola had an ego problem. I took another look at Luan. I could practically see the wheels in her head turning.

“You gotta hunch?” I said.

“It’s a work in progress,” said Luan. “Remember those boys fighting with Rusty earlier?”

“Of course.”

Luan reached into her pocket and pulled out the folded piece of paper she picked up earlier. “It turns out one of them dropped this during the scuffle. And now we just heard about two kids breaking into Royal Woods Middle School. You thinking what I’m thinking?”

…

Oh, that’s right. They were talking about Lynn. Or, Lynnsanity. Whatever. The point is according to Chandler, two kids broke into her school a couple of days ago. And I’d bet anything those two kids are the same ones who were arguing with Rusty earlier. Not only that, but they also know about Lincoln going off the grid. I’m not sure how this connects to anything, but the pieces are there.

“Uh, what’re you guys talking about?” asked Chandler.

Dang it. I should’ve dragged Luan aside before conferring with her. Nice going, Luna. I really don’t know how she’s gonna talk her way out of this one.

“Guys, I really don’t think we should be down here!”

“You’re welcome to leave anytime, Spokes! This is our business!”

Before she could say anything, we were interrupted by some familiar voices coming from the tunnel.

“Hang on! No one else is supposed to be down here yet!” said Chandler. He ran off ahead of us. “Guys, quit it! You’re ruining everything!”

As if there was anything left to ruin. Did he honestly think Lincoln was gonna go for this? Luan and I shared a shrug as we followed Chandler. It wasn’t long before we bumped into the source of the noise. It was Rusty, along with those two thugs he was talking to before. What’d he call ‘em? Papa Wheelie and Flat Tire? Eh, I’ve heard weirder names. Heck, my name’s Luna; what right to I have to complain?

“Outta the way, Chandler. We’ve got some beef with your guests of honor there,” said Papa Wheelie.

“Yeah! They stole from us!” Flat Tire added.

…

Yeesh, that escalated so quickly, I think it went supersonic.

“Whoa whoa whoa! Take it easy, fellas!” I said. “We didn’t steal anything!”

“Yeah you did!” Papa Wheelie snapped. “You have our note!”

Luan took out the piece of paper. “You mean this?”

Papa Wheelie snatched the paper from Luan and unfolded it. His eyes suddenly bugged out of his head.

“Wh-what?! This isn’t the note!” he bellowed. He then leered at Rusty. “I swear, Spokes. If this is your girlfriend’s doing…”

“You leave Polly out of this!” Rusty barked back.

Whoa. Major brain overload. Seriously, everything’s just going at a staccato pace, and I can’t process any of it. In the middle of all this, Flat Tire saw the key in Luan’s hand.

“Boss, look! She’s got the key!” he said.

Luan quickly stashed it in her pocket. “What key? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play dumb,” Flat Tire growled, wading up to Luan. “I know what I saw. That key is ours. Give it back.”

I turned to Chandler. “I’m just taking a stab in the dark, but are these two the guys you saw break into Royal Woods Middle School?”

Chandler didn’t respond. He was just too stupefied by everything happening at once. I groaned and snapped my fingers in front of his face.

“Yo! I asked you something, dude!” I snapped.

Chandler flinched. “Wh-what? O-oh, right. Um…”

“That’s none of your business,” Flat Tire interrupted. “Now, give us that key, or we’ll take it from you.”

Luan gave the goons a sly grin. The kind of grin that says “You don’t know who you’re messing with.”

“What’s so funny, beaver face?” Papa Wheelie snarled.

“I’d tell you, but that’d ruin the punchline,” said Luan.

Papa Wheelie let out another growl. “Flat Tire, frisk her.”

Flat Tire sneered and cracked his knuckles. “With pleasure.”

Oh, this oughta be good. I watched as Flat Tire reached his hand into Luan’s pocket. Suddenly, there was a snap, and he yelped in pain. He yanked his hand out of her pocket, revealing that his fingers were caught in mousetrap. Yep. Vintage Luan.

“Big bait catches big rat!” Luan guffawed.

Papa Wheelie snorted angrily. “Oh, you think this is funny, huh?! I’ll give you something to laugh about!”

He dragged Flat Tire over to the ladder that led up to the hatch. I already don’t like where this is going.

“Dude, I think those two are planning to trap us down here!” I hollered at Chandler. “Do something!”

Chandler looked at me like a deer caught in the headlights. All of the color was drained from his face. After a pause, he ran off after the thugs.

“Hey! Wait for me!” he hollered.

I… probably should’ve seen that coming. This guy was planning to lead us into the most dangerous part of the plant, ladies and gentlemen. But it turns out when the chips are down, he’s all talk and no action.

“C’mon, guys! Let’s hustle!” I said.

Luan and Rusty followed at my heels as we trudged through the sewage. We moved as fast as we could, and Luan’s mousetrap did manage to slow Flat Tire down. We reached the ladder just as Chandler and Papa Wheelie were pulling Flat Tire up. I started climbing as fast as I could, but that turned out to be a mistake. The rungs were so slippery that I lost my footing halfway up and fell back into the sewage with a splash.

Nngh. I-I think I’m sinking. I-I can hear shouts, but I can’t make out any of it. E-everything’s fading to black. Lincoln, I-I’m sorry I couldn’t…

***

After what felt like an eternity, I felt someone patting my cheek. As I slowly came to, I became painfully aware of how gross I felt. My clothes were drenched, and my hair was slick with slime. I could hear a muffled voice speaking to me.

“…una. Luna, c’mon. Say something.”

When my vision returned, I saw Luan hovering over me with misty eyes. I let out a cough.

“When we get home, I’m calling first dibs on the shower,” I said weakly.

Luan smiled. “Oh, thank goodness. I was so worried you were gonna pull a Hops and croak.”  She laughed. “I guess those guys didn’t like that we were playing key-p away with the evidence.”  She laughed again. “Man, when the guys in charge of this place hear about this, those punks are gonna be in a garbage heap of trouble.”

Okay, that last one was a stretch, but I’ll let it slide. There are only so many puns Luan can come up with off the top of her head, after all. And I can tell she’s just shooting off puns to hide how scared she is. She may laugh and act like a clown, but beneath that mask, she’s wearing a frown. I placed a hand against her cheek.

“Hey. It’s cool,” I told her. “It’s gonna be okay. We’ll get out of this. Somehow.”

At that moment, something occurred to me. “Hang on. What’re you still doing down here?”

Luan raised an eyebrow. “What, you thought I was gonna leave you here after that spill you took? Sheesh, Luna. I’m not that horrible.”

I could tell she was making a jab at herself for how carried away she could get with her pranks. I had to laugh at that. She has a point, after all. Luan would do anything for a good joke, but she wouldn’t do this.

“I’m afraid to ask,” I grunted as I pulled myself upright. “How long was I out?”

Luan took out a pocket watch and checked it (she’s really milking the whole Sherlock Holmes schtick, isn’t she?). “About five minutes.”

I reached into my damp pocket and took out my phone. One look at it, and I could tell that it was way too late for the bag of rice treatment. Bogus. And even if it did work, I don’t think there’s any reception down here. So calling Chunk is out of the question.

“This isn’t worth it, Wheelie! You’d better get us out of here!”

I looked up to see that Rusty was at the top of the ladder, banging on the hatch and ranting up a storm.

“He’s been at it ever since those punks left us here,” said Luan. “I tried to tell him that they probably can’t hear us, but he’s having none of it.”

Honestly, I don’t blame him. I think I’d do the same if I were in his shoes. But, this might give us an opportunity to learn some stuff. I waded over to the ladder and cleared my throat.

“Yo, Rusty!”

Rusty stopped his caterwauling and looked down at me. “O-oh, hey. You’re okay.”

“Yeah, I’ll live,” I said. “I’m just gonna need to get cleaned up when I get home. Anyway, mind if I ask you something?”

Rusty frowned. “Can it wait until after we’re out of this mess?”

“Just one quick question first,” I said. “Who were those guys?”

Rusty sighed. “Papa Wheelie and Flat Tire. They’re old friends of mine. We used to be the toughest biker gang in Royal Woods.”

“What happened?” asked Luan.

Rusty shrugged. “After I met Lincoln and Lynn, we kinda drifted apart. But I didn’t think they’d turn out to be such jerks.”

Hmm. Something about a biker gang sounds familiar. Didn’t Lincoln steal Lynn’s motocross bike once so that he wouldn’t have to look lame riding a hand-me-down? Was Rusty’s gang the people he was trying to impress?

“We couldn’t help but overhear your discussion with them before,” I said. “You mentioned someone named Lynnsanity. That wouldn’t happen to be…?”

Rusty nodded. “Yeah. When I left the gang, Lynn was the leader. We called her Lynnsanity. But once I started hanging out with Lincoln more, the gang just dissolved.”

Huh. Well, that explains that. And I’m pretty sure we can mark Papa Wheelie and Flat Tire as suspects after what they tried to pull. But things still aren’t adding up, and I doubt Rusty has all the answers we need. We should—

“Oy! Anyone down there?”

I perked up. “Tabby?!”

I heard the voice again. “That’s them! C’mon, hurry up and get this thing open!”

There was a creek as the wheel on the hatch turned. The door popped open, revealing Tabby, Liam, and Chandler. They were accompanied by a group of factory workers.

“Anyone injured down there?” asked one of the workers.

I took a moment to take stock of my situation. Nngh. I-I do feel a bit sore, but I think once I get my feet onto solid ground, I’ll be fine.

“I-I could use a hand!” I hollered.

The worker nodded. “Hang on, we’re coming down. Kid, you might wanna get out of the way.”

“O-oh, sorry,” said Rusty. He scurried up the ladder and let the workers pass. Luan handed me off to one of the workers and followed behind him.

“We got so worried when Chandler came back without you guys,” said Tabby.

“Darn tootin’,” said Liam, giving Chandler a look, “It took a bit of persuadin’, but we got him to spill the beans once we said we would tell his folks.”

The worker sighed. “I don’t know why Mr. McCann lets his son get away with all this. Rest assured, we’re gonna be bringing it up at the next board meeting.”

Well, that’s good and all. But right now, Chandler’s the least of our problems. He might not have anything to do with Lincoln going missing, but Rusty’s old biker friends sure do. Why else would they go through all this trouble just to keep a lid on things? And how does Lynn factor into all this?

When we reached the hatch, the worker hefted me up, and two other workers dragged me to my feet. I shook myself and dusted myself off the best I could.

“You gonna be alright, mate?” Tabby asked.

I nodded. “We’ve had worse. Right, Luan?”

“Trust me, anyone that can take my April Fool’s pranks can handle that,” said Luan. “Hey, weird question, but does anyone know where Papa Wheelie and Flat Tire ran off to?”

“Y’mean those biker fellers Rusty used to roll with?” said Liam. “We haven’t seen ‘em for a while. I didn’t even know they were here.”

“I know someone who does,” said Rusty, looking over at Chandler. “Well?”

Chandler gulped. “I, um…  I-I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“Oh, so you just do whatever those guys tell you, huh?” said Luan. “No wonder you call him Papa Wheelie.”  She laughed at her own joke. “Get it?”

Chandler blinked. “Uh, no.  I don’t.”

“Well, get this, you little punk,” I snarled, shaking my fist. “This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco, and we ain’t fooling around. You’d better tell us where those blighters ran off to, or so help me, I’m gonna—”

I was gonna say I’d knock his block off, but Luan tapped me on the shoulder and gestured to the factory workers. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t threaten violence against a little kid while adults are in the room. But hey, the guy was gonna leave us to rot in a sewage tunnel. You can’t really blame me for dropping the niceties.

“Let me handle this,” said Luan. She walked up to Chandler and look him straight in the eye. “Okay, pal. There’s no way to keep this fiasco a secret, so how about this? You start talking, or I’m gonna have to resort to drastic measures.”

Chandler stared blankly at Luan before letting out a weak snicker. “I-is that supposed to scare me?”

Luan shrugged. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you, buddy.”  She then reached into her pocket and pulled out a speckled feather. She fiddled with it a bit before bringing it close.

“Uh, what’re you gonna do with—?”

Chandler got no further. Luan began tickling his nose with it.

“Gitchie gitchie goo~!” she chirped, brushing the feather all over his face. “C’mon, spill.”

“H-hey, quit it!” Chandler sputtered, his face turning bright red. “Y-you’re embarrassing me in front of everyone!”

“I already told you how to get me to stop,” said Luan.

“I-I can’t! Th-they’re gonna beat me up if I blab!”

“Wait, you’re actually afraid of those guys?” asked Liam. “I thought you were this tough kid who ain’t afraid of nothin’.”

Chandler’s face turned even redder. “C-cut it out!”

“Make me,” said Luan, tickling him mercilessly. “Or am I gonna have to break out the umbrella and walnuts?”

I don’t think she actually brought and umbrella and walnuts with her, nor do I know what she would do with them in this situation. In fact, I don’t think I want to know that. But regardless, it was enough to get Chandler to crack.

“Okay, okay! I-I’ll talk! J-just stop! Stop~!” Chandler yelped.

Luan relented, giving Chandler a chance to catch his breath.

“Th-they went to the control room to hide,” he said. “They’re planning to wait until everyone else left before bailing.”

Luan smirked and patted him on the shoulder. “See? That’s all we needed.”  She then turned to me. “Let’s move, Luna. The game is afoot!”

More Sherlock Holmes references. Great. “Right, time to rock and roll. Rusty, you’d better come with us. We might need you.”

With that, we headed off. Y’know, I wasn’t sure what we were gonna find here, if anything. But it turns out we hit the jackpot. Now all we have to do is drag the truth out of those two chumps. This oughta be interesting…

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