User blog:Thomperfan/Not a Loud (my version)

(It starts with me, Lincoln and Clyde digging around in Lincoln’s attic.)

Clyde: "Hey, Nolan, check this out!" [showing Lori's baby book with a photo of her talking into a toy phone with unusual features.] "Our little Lori was born with a pointy head, no hair, and webbed toes." [swooning] "Gosh. She was perfect from day one."

Me: (creeped out by the picture of baby Lori and Clyde’s infatuation with it) Uuuuhhhh, well, glad to see someone can actually see the beauty in… that.

Lincoln: [snaps us out of it] "Focus, you guys. We're supposed to be looking for my birth story." [to the viewers]"Everyone in our class has to do a report about the day they were born, and tomorrow is my turn. Should be a cinch because Mom and Dad keep detailed baby books for all of us." [shows his sisters' books in order] "Here's Luna's..." [which shows baby Luna with a guitar.] "...here's Lynn's..." [which shows Lynn working out with a dumbbell.]"...here's Lucy's..." [which shows Lucy folding her arms and wearing a winter cap hiding her eyes; notices his book.]"Aha! Here's mine!" [which shows him wearing a white cap similar to Lucy's and holding Bun-Bun; opens it, but sees no pictures.] "Huh. The section for my birth story is blank. That's okay. I'm sure Mom and Dad remember it."

[Jump to the parents; Lynn Sr. spits out his coffee on Lincoln.]

Lynn Sr.: [flabbergasted] "Your birth story?!"

Lincoln: [wipes the spewed coffee off his face.] "Yyyyyeah. It's not in my baby book."

Rita: [uneasy] Uh, that's weird." [chuckles] "What do you wanna know?"

Lincoln: "Well, what time of day was I born?"

[Rita and Lynn Sr. answer at the same time.]

Lynn Sr.: "Morning."

Rita: "Night."

Lincoln: [confused] "Okay...how much did I weigh?"

[The parents answer at the same time again.]

Lynn Sr.: "Nine pounds."

Rita: [holding up a certain number of fingers] "Seven pounds."

[The 3 of us look to each other suspiciously.]

Lincoln: "What was the doctor's name?"

[Another simultaneous answer]

Lynn Sr.: "Dr. Bernstein!'

Rita: "Dr. Patel!"

Lincoln: "What is going on?"

Parents: [through gritted teeth] "Nothing!"

Lincoln: "At least you agree on that one."

[Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: "That story had more holes than my underwear. My parents are obviously hiding something, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it!"

Clyde: "No, we are! You're my best bud and future brother-in-law, and I need to know how you came into this world."

Me: Likewise! Count me in, too!

(Cuts to Lori and Leni’s room. Lori is reading a book, when me and Lincoln come in)

Lincoln: "Hey, Lori, do you remember anything about the day I was born?"

Lori: "Sure. Pop Pop was watching us. A car pulled up and a scientist wearing a mask and gloves stepped out holding you."

Lincoln and I: [baffled] "A scientist?"

Clyde: [outside the room trying not to see the first born daughter.] "Did you say a scientist?"

Lori: "Oh. Hi, Clyde!"

Clyde: [acting like a robot outside] "SYSTEM OVERLOAD. ABORT. ABORT." [crashes]

[Back in Lincoln's room]

Clyde: "I hate to question my future bride, but that story makes no sense. Scientists don't deliver babies."

Lincoln: "Wait a minute! What if that scientist didn't deliver me? What if she created me..." [takes out one of his DVD movies] "...like Larry the Lab-Boy?"

Clyde: "Of course! And it would totally explain the white hair." [flicks Lincoln's cowlick and chuckles.]

Lincoln: "Only one thing. Larry had superpowers, and I don't."

Me: [intrigued] "Or, do you?"

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"

Clyde: "First up, super strength."

[A bunch of heavy objects are bundled up together over Lincoln's head on a branch.]

Lincoln: "Okay, guys, let's do this!"

[Clyde cuts the rope and the objects drop right on top of Lincoln who screams in pain, debunking the super strength test; later.]

Clyde: "Now that you're upright, let's try testing your super speed. On your mark, get set, run like the wind!"

[Lincoln takes off]

Lincoln: "I'm doing it! I'm doing it!"

[Scoots comes rolling by on her scooter.]

Scoots: "Move it, slowpoke!" [easily passes Lincoln]

Lincoln: [stops; baffled] "What just happened?"

Me: "I think you just proved that you're definitely not as fast as a boy made in a lab."

Lincoln: "Ah. Let's go check with Leni."

Leni: "I totes remember that day! We were at home waiting to meet you. [pokes her brother's nose] And then you were carried in by an eagle. Well, off to the mall!" [leaves]

Me: (waves) Bye, Leni! (sighs)

Lincoln: [doubtful] "An eagle? That's crazy!"

Clyde: "Maybe she said beagle."

Lincoln: "How is that better?" [gets an idea] "Wait a minute!" [gets out another DVD] "Remember this?"

Clyde: "Of course! Erik the Eagle Boy! He was half eagle and half boy. That would explain the white hair." [pulls on the cowlick]

Me: "But Erik could do all that, you know, eagle stuff."

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"

[A bunch of pillows are on the ground.]

Clyde: [into walkie] "McBride to tower, we're ready for take off! 1...2...3! Fly, Eagle Boy!" [Lincoln takes off] "Fly like-"

[Lincoln is unable to stay airborne and crashes onto the pillows.]

Clyde and I: [unimpressed] "-a rock."

[The dining room]

Clyde: "Open wide, Eagle Boy. Here's lunch." [holds up a can of worms]

[Lincoln gulps nervously and tastes a worm. Immediate segue to him throwing up in the toilet.]

Clyde: [thinking] "Hmm. Maybe it was beagle." [holds up a can of food] "How about some turkey giblets and gravy?"

[Lincoln gets more nauseous and throws up again.]

Me: OK, I think it’s safe to say that Lincoln is NOT part animal. Let’s go ask Luna.

[The boys are now talking to Luna about the story.]

Luna: "Your birth story? Totally remember it, brah. A car pulled up to the house, and Mom and Dad stepped out holding you."

Lincoln: "Huh. Nothing suspicious about that."

Luna: "And then all these dudes in dark suits and sunglasses jumped out, surrounded the house, and started talking into their watches. It was pretty rad. Later!" [leaves]

Me: Bye, Luna!

Lincoln: "Well, now I'm even more confused."

Clyde: [hands Lincoln another DVD]

Lincoln: "A.L.A.N. the Alien Boy! Of course! Those guys Luna saw were government agents bringing me to Mom and Dad."

Clyde: "That would explain the white hair."

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"

[The hallway in front of the bathroom door.]

Clyde: "Alan could open doors with his mind. Let's see what you've got."

[Lincoln tries opening the door using mind powers, and after a few seconds, it does open.]

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: "It worked!"

[The toilet flushes and out comes Lana with a newspaper.]

Lana: "I'd give it a minute before going in there. Whew!"

Clyde: "Well, scratch that. The next test is the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Do you have a stick you could bite on?"

Lincoln: [reluctant] "Clyde, I think it's pretty obvious I'm not an alien."

Me: Hm. Maybe Lynn has some details about when you were born.

(Cuts to us talking to Lynn about Lincoln’s birth story in the backyard.)

Lynn: The day Lincoln was born? Oh, well I don’t think I remember that much, but what I DO remember was how excited I was when mom finally let me see you!

Me: Was there anything noticeable when he came home for the first time.

Lynn: Hm, now that I think about it, I did see red, white and blue piece of paper waving on top of the car. (notices something) Aw man! I gotta leave for soccer practice! See ya! (leaves)

(Cuts to us thinking it over in Lincoln’s room.)

Lincoln: A red, white and blue piece of paper?

Me: (gasp; having an idea) Of course! (I hold up another DVD) Freddie the Flat Boy! He was a normal boy, until one day he got smashed by a giant boulder! Then he became so flat, people could use him for things they use paper with. Like mailing letters, flying kites, stuff like that.

Clyde: Hm, that would explain the white hair.

Lincoln: You think I’d be able to do all of that?

Me: There’s only one way to find out.

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: FIELD TEST!

(I’m on the ground holding on to some string. It then reveals Lincoln is tied to the string and is on the roof, so I can fly him like a kite. Clyde is standing by us, to observe.)

Me: You ready, Lincoln?

Lincoln: Ready!

Clyde: Ready for takeoff, Nolan!

Me: Got it!

(I start running and holding on to the string. Lincoln stays in the air for a few seconds and thuds back down to the ground, but I don’t notice this and keep running)

Lincoln: OK, Nolan, you can sto-(He slams into a trashcan) OW!

(I keep on running and Clyde follows close behind.)

Lincoln: "Nolan! Ach!" (He goes through a fence and some bushes. I turn a corner, and Lincoln fishtails behind him.) "YOYAHHHH!" (He hits a pole and that gets my attention)

Me: Did it work?

(I look behind me and see that Lincoln looks beaten and bruised.)

Me: (gasps) Oh my god! Lincoln, are you OK?

Lincoln: (groans)

(Just then Clyde comes up)

Clyde: I think it’s established that Lincoln is not a flat boy.

Me: (sigh) Yeah, you’re right. Come on, guys. Let’s go see if Luan knows anything about Lincoln’s birth.

(Me and Clyde walk off-screen, dragging Lincoln along with us. Cuts to us discussing the story with Luan.)

Luan: "Well, I was really little, but I do remember how excited we were to finally have a brother. [rubs Lincoln's hair] We thought for sure you'd be a girl."

Lincoln: [confused] "Why would you think that?"

Luan: "Mom and Dad already had your room decorated for one. At first, we thought they'd brought home the wrong baby!" [giggles and leaves]

[Dramatic beat]

Lincoln: "Clyde, Nolan, that's it!" [holds up another DVD] "It's just like Ricky the Wrong Baby Ricky's so-called "parents" wanted a boy so badly, they paid a doctor to switch babies. My parents already had five girls. It makes total sense!"

Clyde: "It would explain the white hair."

Lincoln: "Come on, guys. We have to get to the bottom of this."

[We rush off. The three of us are checking the hospital's birth records online.]

Lincoln: "Okay, here are the local birth announcements from the day I was born. We need to find all of these families and see if one of them could be mine."

Clyde: "Great plan, Lincoln." [suddenly concerned] "Or, I mean, whatever your name really is." [sighs] "This is gonna be an adjustment."

Me: Yeah, same here.

[Elsewhere, the three of us are hiding in a bush.]

Lincoln: "Okay, guys, first house on the list!"

[We spy a family of blondes with their kid being a tall girl.]

Me: "Maybe you were switched with that really tall girl."

[The parents stand up to reveal to be just as tall as she is.]

Lincoln: "Or maybe not. Next!"

[We head off to the next house and spy on a family with a father with a hairdo like Lincoln's and a girl with a familiar laugh.]

Lincoln: "Hey! That girl laughs just like Luan! She must be a Loud, and I must belong in that family!"

[The family reveals to have long noses.]

Clyde: "Or maybe not. Next!"

[The next family is gardening on their front lawn.]

Me: "Maybe she's the one! She's into dirt, just like Lana."

[The family takes off their gardening hats and reveal to have red curly hair.]

Clyde: "Or not."

[The next family's lawn is filled with cacti, which Lincoln pokes out of in pain.]

Lincoln: "Ow! I hate these drought-resistant lawns!"

Clyde: "I sure hope it's not this house, because we'd be going to different schools. Just thinking about that makes my feet sweat."

[A car horn honks and is parking in the driveway.]

Lincoln: "I wouldn't worry about it, Clyde. With the luck we're having-"

[The parents reveal to have white hair.]

Lincoln: "Gah! The white hair!"

[The daughter they have reveals to look eerily familiar.]

Me: "And look at her hair! It looks just like Lori's!"

[Clyde takes off his shoe and lets out all the sweat that his feet let out in a saddened state.]

White-haired woman: "What does everyone want for dinner?"

White-haired family's daughter: [excited] "Spicy subs! Spicy subs!"

Lincoln: "Hair like Lori's, plays guitar like Luna, eats like Lynn...that girl is a Loud!"

Clyde: [in heartbroken denial] "We don't know that!" [sniffles, sighs, and wrings out his sock.]

Me: (sighs) "Let's face it, Clyde. Those white-haired people are Lincoln’s real parents. He’s gonna have to move here and start his life all over."

Clyde: "Lincoln, you can't! How are we gonna stay best friends? Do walkie-talkies even reach this far? Will your new parents even let me sleep over?" [starts hyperventilating into his paper bag.]

Lincoln: "Don't worry. We'll work it out." [angry] "But first, I have some choice words for my so-called parents!"

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln steps in front of his parents and cracks his neck a little.]

Lynn Sr.: "Can we help you, son?"

Lincoln: [incredulous] "Son. That's an interesting choice of words."

Clyde: [pops up from behind the armchair's left arm.] "Yeah!"

[The Loud parents look at Clyde confused and he just waves to them.]

Rita: "Is there something wrong, boys?"

Me: (coming from behind the couch) You better believe there is! Lincoln here, knows his real birth story!

Lynn Sr.: [shocked; to Lincoln] "You do?!"

Lincoln: "Yep. You really had another girl, but you didn't want another girl, did you? You wanted boooyyy! So, what did you do? You paid off the hospital to look the other way, then you made the ol' switcheroo with some poor unsuspecting family across town!

Me: So, what do you two have to say for yourselves?

Clyde: "Yeah! For shame!"

[The parents take a second and start laughing.]

Lincoln: [sarcastic] "Oh, I'm glad you find ruining my life funny."

[The parents are still laughing and soon Rita stops.]

Rita: "We're sorry, honey." [nudges her husband to stop] "We don't mean to laugh. It's just that you're way off base."

Lynn Sr.: "Oh, Lincoln, of course you're our son. Why don't you sit down? It's time you know the real story of your birth."

[Lincoln sits down, as does Clyde.]

Lynn Sr.: "Okay, you too, Clyde."

Me: (appearing on top of the armchair) Ahem!

Rita: Oh, and you too, of course, Nolan. "Well, the day you were born got off to a pretty normal start. My water broke, we called Pop Pop, he came over to watch your older sisters..."

Lynn Sr.: "I drove your mother over to the hospital in Vanzilla, but not surprisingly, she broke down." [realizing what he said] "Uh, the van, not your mother. And that's when things stopped being normal."

[Flashback to that day with Lynn Sr. calling for a ride.]

Rita: [narrating] "We were afraid you were going to be born on the side of the road, but thankfully, a black limo pulled up."

[The window rolls down to Lynn Sr.'s request.]

Lynn Sr.: [narrating] "Could have knocked me over with a feather, it was the President and the First Lady! When I told them what was going on, they offered to give us a ride to the hospital."

[Lynn Sr. gets in, remembers his wife and brings her over. She is surprised to see who it is.]

Rita: [narrating] "Everything was looking fine again, but you weren't a very patient baby. We weren't going to make it to the hospital. You were going to be delivered by the President, until he passed out. Then the First Lady took over."

[The action shown during the narration is shown as told. End flashback.]

Lynn Sr.: "What an amazing woman. She was so cool under pressure."

Rita: "Of course, you had to hear that from me, since you were passed out, too."

Lynn Sr.: "That's not how I remember it."

Rita: "Anyway, she delivered you right there in the limo. When we saw you for the first time..." [sighs] "...our hearts just melted."

Lynn Sr.: The reason we never told you is that we didn’t know how to, and we weren’t sure how you would take it in.

Lincoln: [amazed] "Wow! That's amazing! But wait. Somethings still don't make sense. Luan said you decorated my room for a girl. It sure sounds like you were expecting one."

Rita: "We already had five girls. We were just using the baby stuff we had."

Lincoln: "What about the men in black suits and sunglasses that Luna told me about?"

Lynn Sr.: "They were secret service."

Lincoln: "Lori said there was a scientist in gloves and a mask."

Lynn Sr.: "That was the First Lady. She got that stuff from the first aid kit in the car."

Lincoln: Well, Lynn said something about a red, white and blue piece of paper.

Lynn Sr.: That was the American flag, it was on top of the limo.

Lincoln: "Okay, but what about what Leni said, that was I carried by an eagle?"

Rita: "Mm, you were wrapped in a blanket with the presidential seal on it."

Lynn Sr.: "In fact..."

[He goes to the corner of the room, tears off a piece of the carpet, reveals a secret compartment with a briefcase, takes out the briefcase, opens it, and reveals the aforementioned blanket.]

Lincoln: [convinced] "Holy cow! I can't believe it! I was delivered by the First Lady!"

Me: Wow. That… Was… AWESOME!!!!!! That was probably the best birth story EVER told!

Clyde: "I believe she's referred to as FLOTUS. Lincoln, wait until you tell this story to our class! It's totally gonna blow away the story about Liam's water birth!"

Lincoln: (Sighs; to his parents) Thanks, guys. It feels good to know the truth.

Rita: Aw, you’re welcome sweetie. Sorry for lying to you all these years.

Lynn Sr.: Yeah, sorry about that, son.

Lincoln: "It's okay, Dad. I'm just glad you can still call me that."

Rita: Aw, honey, of course we can still call you that. Even if you were adopted, we would still love you, unconditionally.

Lynn Sr.: Yeah, if Nolan has taught us anything, it's that family isn't only by blood. Bring it in, Kiddo.”

[Lincoln and his parents hug it out.]

Me: (joining the hug) Aw, I love you guys!

Clyde: [crying with happiness] "It's just too beautiful." [blows his nose on the blanket.]

Lincoln: Come on Clyde, join the hug!

(Clyde gets in on the hug. The next day Lincoln is telling his story to the class.)

Me: The end.

(All the classmates, except me and Clyde, laugh at how ridiculous Lincoln’s story is.)

Classmate #1: Yeah, right!

Classmate #2: Nice one, Lincoln!

Classmate #3: That is too ridiculous to be true!

(The class continues to laugh)

Mrs. Johnson: OK, class, that’s enough! Lincoln, I for one think your story was very interesting. Thank you for sharing it.

Lincoln No problem, Mrs. Johnson.

(Lincoln goes to sit back down)

Mrs. Johnson: Girl Jordan, you’re up next!

(Cuts to me telling my family Lincoln’s birth story)

Me: And the first lady delivered Lincoln to the world.

(My family is silent for a minute and then bursts out laughing)

Me: Guys, what’s so funny?

Sophia: Nolan, I’m sorry, but there’s no WAY that story is true!

Mom: Yeah, sweetie, I have to agree with your sister, it’s too ridiculous.

Dad: Although it was nice. You have a great imagination.

Me: I wasn’t imagining. It was the truth. Miss Rita and Mr. Lynn said so themselves.

Sophia: Sure it was.

(My family gets and leaves still giggling. I sigh. Cuts to me, Lincoln and Clyde reading comic books in Lincoln’s room.)

Me: And I told my family, but they didn’t believe me and thought I was making the story up.

Lincoln: Sorry to hear that, buddy.

Clyde: "It's great we know the truth, even if no one else believes us. But we still haven't solved the mystery of Lincoln’s white hair."

Lincoln: "True." [thinks] "Wait a minute!" [picks up another DVD] "I think I have the answer." [shows it to Clyde]

Clyde: "Of course! Ron the Radioactive Boy! His hair turned white after that gamma ray explosion!"

Lincoln: "But he also got all those weird mutant abilities."

[The three of us are inspired for another...]

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"

EPILOGUE

(Lincoln’s five older sisters are Lori and Leni’s room hanging out. Lori and Leni are doing each other’s nails, Luna is strumming her guitar and Luan and Lynn are having a pillow fight. JUst then a knock is heard. Lori goes to answer it, and sees Lincoln.)

Lori: Oh, hey Lincoln. What’s up?

Lincoln: Hey guys, I was wondering if you guys had any stories of me as a baby?

Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan and Lynn: Do we?!

Lori: OK, Linky, come in! We have so much to tell you!

(Lincoln comes in and sits down, as his sisters begin telling him about his baby stories.)

Lincoln: (to the viewers) One of the best things about having five older sisters, is that they’ll always remember your childhood days.

(Lincoln listens to his sisters as they tell him stories.)

THE END