User blog:EpsilonMk46/Fanon Lincoln in a nutshell

No Such Luck

Lola: You're bad luck, Lincoln. You can't come!

[Lola is about to close the doggy door when all of a sudden...]

Lincoln: (enraged) GRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!!!

[Lincoln breaks down the door while pulling himself through the doggy door with tremendous strength!]

Lincoln: YOU ALL ARE COMPLETE IDIOTS TO BELIEVE THAT I'M BAD LUCK EVEN THOUGH IT WAS I WHO MADE YOU THINK I WAS BAD LUCK IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!! I HATE ALL OF YOU FOR BELIEVING IN EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED YOU TO BELIEVE!!!!!!!!

[Lincoln then runs upstairs and slams the door to his room shut, leaving the rest of the family in complete shock.]

Lori: Wait... didn't we board up his room?

[All of the materials used to seal Lincoln's room then come tumbling down the stairs before exploding into a million pieces.]

Brawl in the Family

Lisa: No, Lincoln. You fixed everything

Lincoln: Me ? How?

Lisa: By leaving.

Luan: We told you, if you just butted out, we'd resolve it on our own.

Lincoln: Are...... you....... KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lori: What the...? Twerp, you need to calm down!

Lincoln: (enraged) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU GUYS DIDN'T LET ME INTO YOUR PERSONAL AFFAIRS AND INSTEAD SOLVED THINGS BY YOURSELVES! I HATE YOU ALL FOR THAT!!!!!! NOW I'M GOING TO ASSUME THAT BECAUSE OF THIS ONE FIGHT I HAVE NO VALUE IN THIS HOUSE AND LOCK MYSELF UP IN MY ROOM BECAUSE I'M EXTREME THAT WAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!

[Lincoln runs up to his room and bolts the door shut.]

Sleuth or Consequences

Lynn: Get a load of this!

Lori: That is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen!

Lola: You aren't going out in public like that, are you?

Lisa: I might point out that you are well past the recommended age that this behavior is deemed acceptable.

[At the sight of all of these insults, Lincoln does what any human being would do: he gets into a fetal position and cries like a baby.]

Lincoln: (sad) Whyyyyyyyyy?! Why do you all hate me so muuuuuuch? WAAAAAAHHHH!!

Lori: Whoa little bro, it's just some playful teasing...

Lola: Didn't you do this in some other parody too?

Lincoln: (crying) BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! WHY DO YOU ALL FEEL THE NEED TO LAUGH AT MEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?! THAT'S IT, I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY BECAUSE THAT'S THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MY MIND AT THE MOMENT AND I'M SURE THAT EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT IF I DO!!!!!!! GOODBYE FOREVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

[Lincoln, while still crying, pulls a backpack full of his belongings out of thin air and proceeds to run out the door and into the horizon all while the top half of his body is flailing around like a ragdoll.]

Making the Grade

Lynn Sr.: It's not my fault! The recipe is in metric, and Lisa usually helps me with the conversions.

Lisa: Thanks to Lincoln I'm out of the conversion game, except for converting beans to methane. [toots hard enough to make the table bounce]

[The rest of the sisters growl at Lincoln, but our lord and savior ain't havin' any of that.]

Lincoln: SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?! YOU REALLY THINK THIS WAS MY FAULT?!?!?!

Lola: Of course we do! You were the one who made her become normal for your stupid friends!

Lincoln: True............. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I'M STILL THE VICTIM HERE BECAUSE YOU ALL BLAME ME FOR SOMETHING I ACTUALLY DID EVEN THOUGH I'M UNDER THE DELUSION THAT I'M INNOCENT!!! NOW I'M GOING TO CRY MYSELF TO BED WHILE HAVING A DREAM ABOUT NOT BEING BORN!!! THEN YOU'LL LEARN TO THINK OF ME AS A FAMILY MEMBER INSTEAD OF A TOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!

Unnamed Episode

[The episode starts with Lincoln sitting on the couch playing his video games]

Lincoln: (relaxed) Aahh, there's nothing like a Saturday where you can veg out playing video games.

[Lily crawls onto the couch and nuzzles towards Lincoln]

Lincoln: Aww, how are you Lily...

[The universe suddely enters a slow motion state as Lily sneezes in Lincoln's general direction. The camera shows a shot of the mucus striking Lincoln's clothing. After the direct hit, time restores to normal.

Lily: Poo... poo...?

[Lincoln realizes how much the mucus has tainted his sacred garments, and every ounce of relaxation he once had has been replaced with pure hatred; and using his newfound hatred, Lincoln grabbed Lily and shook her around vigorously.]

Lincoln: (livid) 'LIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOOOOOOOONNNEEEEEEE?!??!??!?!? 'WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE PICKED SOMEONE ELSE TO SNEEZE ON????!?!!!!!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ME, HUH?!?! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO TURN ME INTO THE BUTT MONKEY!!!!!!?????? WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????!!!!!!!!!!!

[Cut to that entire scene being depicted through an interdimensional portal, where the real Lincoln and Lisa are just outside observing it all from afar.]

Lincoln: (confused) Uh... Lisa? What exactly am I looking at here...?

Lisa: A little something for you to realize how good you have it here Lincoln. I figured you might've required a mental message like this after all the anguish you've been through.

Lincoln: ..........But I've never been sad about my life here......

''(A/N): Remember kids, whenever you see someone throw a massive tantrum and, as a result, everything works out exactly the way they want it to, that's how you know they're the good guy. ;) ''

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... I am not sorry