The Mad Scientist/Script

The following is a transcript for the episode “The Mad Scientist”.

[Lisa is in her room, giving a video chat presentation to a research institute about time travel] Lisa: "It was Einstein who first proposed the idea of time travel via wormholes, but now I, Lisa Loud, have come very close to actually creating one. All I need to figure out is how to harness the necessary energy to-" [Lucy pops up behind her] "Yah!" Lucy: "I need you to take my pulse. I'm working on a breathing technique that lowers my heart rate to the point of barely being alive." [Lucy rolls up her sleeve and Lisa checks her pulse] Lisa: "Nope, still quite robust." Lucy: "Dang it," [Walks out] "I hate robust." Lisa: [Returns to her video chat] "Pardon the interruption, as I was saying-" Lincoln: [As he and Lana jump out at Lisa] "Hey Lis! We need your help. We found this cupcake behind the radiator," [Lana holds up a moldy cupcake] "it's got a little mold on it, but can we still eat it? Lisa: [Simply looking at the cupcake] "Well, only if you want to ingest gangrenous ergotism, allometry toxic allucci, or stachybotrys chartarum." Lincoln: [Cringing with disgust] "No thanks." Lana: [Eating the cupcake] "You had me at 'gangrenous'". Lisa: [Returning to her video chat, again] "Apologies once again. Now, to contin-" [Right at that point Luna jumps in with a power chord] Luna: "Yo, brain box, I'm playing a gig at Sunset Canyon tonight, and I need to make sure the oldies can hear me, can you measure my decibel level?" Lisa: "Not right now." [But, before she finishes, Luna plays a chord so powerful it propels Lisa onto her desk, Lisa sighs] "I think you should be fine, which is more than I can say for my beaker collection." [Jumps off her, now damaged, but still functioning, computer] I'm so sorry, it's not easy being a research scientist in a household populated by uncouth, disorderly siblings. I look forward to the day when I'll have somewhere quiet to work." Dr. J: "Well, why not today?" [She has Lisa's attention] "You're welcome to come spend this afternoon here at the institute." [Lisa is amazed by this offer] "We have top notch facilities where you could continue your research, free of distractions." Lisa: [Exited] "Really, that sounds phenomenal. I'd say 'I have butterflies' but, we both know that is just the reduction of blood flow to my stomach." [Lisa smiles at the offer, and Lynn walks past the door, grunting, and then lets one rip, much to Lisa's annoyance] Lynn: "Boom!" Lisa: "How soon can I come?"

[Later, Lisa is getting a tour of the institute] Dr. J: "Lisa, so glad you could join us for the day. Let me give you the tour, over there is our biosphere, through that door is our nuclear fission facility, and those are the restrooms." Lisa: "So when does the bathroom line typically form? I'd like to arrive early so I don't waste valuable research time." Dr. J: "There's never a line." Lisa: [Amazed] "Shut, the anterior entry way." Dr. J: [Opens the room door] "In here is the crown jewel of the institute, our research laboratory. It's at your disposal, enjoy the quiet afternoon." [Closes the door behind Lisa] Lisa: "Erlameyer flasks, two-thousand milliliter beakers," [gasps] "this place is every four year old's dream." [Sighs, and breaks out in song, and starts by pointing to the noble gases on a periodic elements table] "♫The only gases I smell are the noble kind. There's no better place for my scientific mind. [Goes over to a monkey cage and lets it out] Look, it's a chimp, I can observe how it swings. [Writes complex equations on the blackboard] This lab's so amazing, it's making me sing. [Dances around with an arm load of test tubes, and throws them in the air like autumn leaves] With so many test tubes my tests won't go wrong. [Opens the window and some birds fly off the ledge] This lab is where I belong. [The monkey tries to mix some chemicals, but Lisa grabs him and starts dancing with it] No wailing guitars, and no spooky sis. [Spins the monkey away] No cupcake dilemmas, you can even hear this. [Pulls out a pin, and drops it, it makes a small noise as it lands] 3 Scientists: [Poke their heads in the door] Shh. [Lisa smiles and returns to her song, she is now on a 'quantum equations' background] It's quantum equations, [she's now looking at Saturn through a telescope] it's Saturn's bright rings. [Slides down the telescope's stairs and past some of the other scientists who are all the same person, and pulls them over] When you're working with colleagues, and not with your siblings. [She and the scientist(s) start can-caning] With such fine equipment my work can't go wrong. [The monkey is dancing with them] All my neurons are firing, this is where I belong!♫" [With the song over she starts her research]''

[Later, she is giving a presentation of her findings] Lisa: "Esteemed colleagues, I believe I have cracked it, by combining super magnets, nuclear fission, and banana peals, one can produce the necessary energy to open a wormhole large enough for a human being to pass through, boom, time travel.

Dr. J: Brillaint! [She and the other scientist stand up and applaud] An epic achievement.

Lisa: Thank you, Dr. Jelson. I couldn't have done it without the opportunity to work in such an optimal environment. I also had a marvelous time in the bathroom. In fact, I think I'll visit it on the way out. [starts to leave]

Dr. J: Wait! You don't have to go. Look at all you've accomplished in half a day. Imagine if you were here full time.

Lisa: [smiles] I'm honored! I'd say I have a lump in my throat, but we both know it's merely the tightening of my esophageal stricture.

[Cuts to Lisa video chatting with her parents, who have concerned looks.]

Lynn Sr.: You wanna stay there? Look, I don't understand, honey, what's wrong with working from home?

''[Just then, Lisa's siblings come by, being their usual chaotic selves. Lola is running away from Lana, who has Bitey in her hands, Lynn is bouncing on a pogo stick, Luna and Lily are playing with drums, and Leni is chasing a dollar bill hung on a fishing pole, controlled by Luan.]''

Lisa: It has its distractions

Rita: Okay, true, but that doesn't mean you have to leave your family and move to some institute.

[Just then, Lisa's siblings appear, having hear what their mother said.]

Lori: "What?"

Luan: "Wait, Lisa's leaving us?"

Lola: "What's an "institute?"

Rita: "Honey, you've never been away from home. Plus, you're 4."

Lisa: "I anticipated this reaction. [Holds up pie chart] And so I constructed this pie chart, detailing my psychological make-up. The green area represents scientific pursuit. Which, as you can see, makes up 97%. The orange slice at 2%, represents my affinity for West Coast Rap. And finally the blue sliver, at 1%, represents my emotional attachments."

Luna: "Dang! You're as cold as ice, brah!" Lisa: "All I'm saying is that research is my life, and this is a huge opportunity." Lynn Sr.: [To Rita] "Well, what do you think honey." Rita: [To Lisa] "Well sweetie, you've always been, independent, I guess we can give it a try." Lisa: [Exited] "Yes!" [Her siblings mutter their goodbyes] Lynn: "I call dibs on her room!" [Then remembers something] "Oh, wait, Lily's in that room. Never mind!" Lily: [Insulted] "Poo-poo!" ''[Blows raspberries at Lynn. Once the kids are out of sight Lynn Sr. starts crying]'' Lisa: "Now, now, paterfamilias, what you're experiencing is merely the release of an endorphin called leucine enkephalin, which helps to improve mood, and rid the body of toxins, you'll be over it shortly. [Starts sobbing even harder] Some people take longer than others.