User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: The Myth of Fútbol

It has been a while, hasn't it? Anyway, this next story was originally going to be a fan episode, but it felt too much like I was copying Fandom Pains, so I reworked it into something else. Also, it had a much longer title. Yeah, you can see why this took me a while. But enough about that. This is:

The Myth of Fútbol
“It’s LJ with the ball, and she’s making her way down the pitch! But can her team stand up to the infamous Lynn-penetrable Wall?!”

Lincoln had to roll his eyes at his father’s over-the-top commentary. It was bad enough that Lynn somehow managed to cajole him into playing soccer with her; he didn’t need any reminders of how he was out of his element. And he was indeed out of his element. While Lynn sprinted around the backyard with the agility of a hummingbird possessed, poor Lincoln was only barely able to keep up.

“LJ bobs left! She weaves right!” Lynn cheered, imitating a sports commentator as she kicked the ball around. “This girl is on fire, ladies and gentlemen! There’s no one who can touch her!”

Oh, of course, Lincoln groaned inwardly. ''Lynn’s just gonna hog all the glory to herself, like always. I don’t even know why I’m he—''

“LJ sees that her trusty partner Lincoln is wide open! She makes the pass!”

Lincoln did a double take as he snapped back to reality. Sure enough, instead of shooting towards the goal, Lynn tapped the ball in his direction. The gesture caught him completely off-guard, and he ended up punting the ball at an odd angle. The ball rolled off to the side.

“Out of bounds!” Lynn Sr. called out.

“I’ll be the shag this time,” said Lynn. She then gave Lincoln a nod and leaned in close. “Okay, when I kick the ball to you, be ready. We can do this.”

“Um, are you sure about that, Lynn?” asked Lincoln. “I mean, you’re better at this than I am.”

Lynn smiled. “Yeah, but you’re not gonna get better if I do all the work,” she said. She then gave Lincoln a pat on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, bro. You got this.”

Lincoln swallowed as Lynn headed off towards the ball. He turned to Lynn Sr., who stood in front of the goal, ready for anything. He gave Lincoln a snide smirk, as though beckoning him to hold nothing back. Lincoln sighed. In his mind, that wouldn’t make any difference.

“Heads up, Linc!”

Lynn punted the ball over to Lincoln, almost catching him off-guard again. With only a split second to react, Lincoln kicked the ball with all his might. Much to his surprise, the ball didn’t drop limply to the ground, but instead darted towards Lynn Sr.. Even Lynn Sr. seemed startled, as the ball whizzed right past his side and slammed into the back of the net.

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL~!”

Lincoln turned to Lynn, expecting her to be the source of the telltale cheer. But oddly enough, Lynn had a perplexed look on her face. Lincoln then heard what sounded like a loud trumpet off to the side. Her turned around and blinked in surprise. There stood his musical older sister Luna, holding a vuvuzela.

“Um, hey, Luna,” he said.

“Hey there, bro!” said Luna with a wave. “Playing a bit of fútbol, I see.”

Lynn ventured forward, raising an eyebrow. “Um, Luna? I know you’re not really into sports, but I would think even you would know the difference between soccer and football.”

Luna stared at Lynn for a second before letting out a small snicker, which soon evolved into a full-on cackle. Lynn scowled.

“What’s so funny?” she demanded.

Luna took a moment to collect herself, brushing a tear from her eye. “Th-that’s cute, luv. Real cute,” she chuckled, switching into her British accent. “See, you Yanks might call it soccer, but everywhere else, it’s called fútbol.”

Lynn blinked and then rolled her eyes. “Sheesh. Didn’t know you were one of those soccer fans.”

“Fútbol,” Luna corrected.

“Whatever,” Lynn grumbled. “Seriously, why do you even care? Lori and golf, I get. But you never really liked sports.”

Luna raised an eyebrow and took out her cellphone. “What’re you talkin’ about? I stream the English Premier League whenever I get the chance. Gotta keep up with the Spurs.”

Lynn Sr. perked up. “Tottenham Hotspurs?”

“You know it, Pop-star,” said Luna.

Lynn Sr. grinned and dashed over to Luna, clasping her shoulder. “You should’ve told me sooner, Lunes! I watched their matches all the time when I was studying abroad!”

“No foolin’? Wow! That’s awesome, dude!” Luna said with a chuckle. She then began to sing, with Lynn Sr. joining in. “Oh, when the Spurs, go marching in…”

Lynn facepalmed and shook her head. Lincoln turned to Lynn, slightly confused by the scenario playing out before him.

“Wait, I don’t get something,” he said. “If they call soccer football in other parts of the world, what do they call football?”

“American football, usually,” said Lynn absently. “They don’t really have that sport outside of the States.”  She then gave Luna a pointed look. “Which, in case you forgot, we’re in right now.”

“Oh, c’mon, Lynn. Lighten up,” said Lynn Sr. with a laugh. “It’s all in good fun, right, Luna?”

“Too right, mate,” said Luna. “‘Sides, I thought you’d be happier, Lynn. It’s not every day we have something in common like this.”

“W-well, yeah. I-I guess that’s kinda cool,” Lynn admitted reluctantly. “But do you have to be so, I don’t know, elitist about it?”

Luna arched an eyebrow. “Elitist?”

“What else am I supposed to call it?” said Lynn. “I mean, be honest with me here, Luna. The only reason you like soccer—“

“Fútbol,” Luna corrected.

“Whatever!” Lynn snapped. “Anyway, the only reason you like it is ‘cause it’s big in the UK. Am I right or wrong?”

Luna shrugged sheepishly. “I mean, yeah. That’s why I got into it initially,” she confessed. “But I understand there’s more to fútbol than just the English Premier League. I also follow the World Cup.”

Lynn’s eye twitched. “Okay, seriously. Stop calling it that.”

“What, fútbol? That’s the game’s proper name, dude.”

“Yeah, in other parts of the world!” Lynn barked. “But you’re not in Britain, or Brazil, or Barcelona, or any of those other countries!”

Luna blinked. “I… think only one of those is a country, brah.”

“That’s not the point!” screamed Lynn. “The point is this is America, and in America, we call it soccer! So stop calling it something different and pretending that somehow makes you better!”

Luna raised her hands defensively. “Whoa, whoa! Chillax, sis! I’m not saying I’m better than you just because I call it fútbol.”

Lynn let out an angry snort and gave Luna an incredulous look. “Oh, really?” she said. She then raised her hand and pantomimed holding a teacup. “‘Pip pip, cheerio~! I’m Luna~! I call soccer football because that’s what British people call it and I wanna be British~! That’s so much better than being American~! Tally-ho, tea and crumpets, wot wot~!’”

Luna scowled. “Okay, rude.”

“I have to agree with Luna, honey; that was uncalled for,” Lynn Sr. scolded. “Just let her call it whatever she wants. It’s still the same sport.”

“Yeah, but, wouldn’t it get confusing after a while?” asked Lincoln, scratching his head. “I mean, we already have a sport called football.”

“See?! Lincoln agrees with me!” said Lynn.

“Didn’t sound like it from where I’m standing,” said Luna, folding her arms.

Lynn narrowed her eyes. “Okay then, Luna. If that’s the way you wanna be about it, then it is on! You and me, in a round of soccer, right now!”

“Fútbol,” Luna corrected.

“Soccer!” Lynn insisted.

Lincoln raised an eyebrow. “Um, Luna? I’m starting to think you’re doing that on purpose.”

Luna shrugged. “Not my fault this Yank’s got her knickers in a twist, mate,” she said. “If she wants to play me in a round of footie, she’s got herself a game.”

Lynn sneered. “It’s gonna be so satisfying to knock you off your high horse,” she said. She then turned to Lincoln. “Linc, you’re my goalie!”

“You’ll be my goalie, Pop-star,” said Luna. “Let’s show these Yanks how it’s done!”

Lincoln gave his father a pleading look. Lynn Sr. shrugged.

“Just roll with it, son. Sometimes, this is the best way to get stuff out of your system,” he said.

Lincoln sighed. “If you say so.”

***

The sun beat down on the backyard as Lynn and Luna approached the ball in the center of the field. They eyed each other warily, waiting for the other to make their move. Lincoln and Lynn Sr. watched from their respective goals. While Lynn Sr. seemed to be ready for anything, Lincoln was already sweating buckets. He was well aware of Lynn’s athletic ability, but when it came to Luna, he had no idea what to expect. True, he never saw Luna play sports or exercise all that much, but he knew for a fact that no matter what her skill level was, she was much better than him. And if she could actually go toe-to-toe with Lynn of all people, he was in for a rough time.

“And here’s the kick—  Oof!”

Lynn made a swing for the ball, but Luna managed to shuffle it out of her way at the last moment. With a smirk, she darted around Lynn and made a beeline for Lincoln. Lincoln gulped and broadened his stance.

Once Luna got in range, she kicked the ball with all her might. It went whizzing towards Lincoln so fast, he instinctively jumped out of the way instead of blocking it. His heart sank when he heard the ball hit the back of his net.

“GOOOOOOOOOOAL~!” Luna cheered. She gave Lynn a cocky smirk, to which Lynn just scowled.

Lincoln sighed. “I’m really sorry, Lynn. I-I just—“

Lynn took in a deep breath. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it, Lincoln,” she said as calmly as she could. “Just… keep your head in the game, a’ight? We’re better than this pompous jerk. Now pass it over.”

Lincoln shrugged and tossed the ball back onto the pitch. Lynn caught it with her leg and began dashing for Luna’s goal. Luna eyes narrowed as she chased after Lynn. Her longer strides allowed her to catch up with her, and she slid into a tackle. Lynn tripped over Luna’s leg, face planting into the lawn. Luna snickered as she stole the ball.

“Thought I couldn’t hack it just ‘cause you’re the sporty one, didn’t ya, ya Yankee tosser?” Luna taunted. She began juggling the ball between her legs while Lynn snarled.

“I’ll give you Yankee tosser in a minute, you wannabe Brit!” she bellowed. She launched into a mad sprint towards Luna. While Luna was busy gloating, she let her guard down, allowing Lynn to get in a tackle of her own. Lynn swiped the ball away and kicked it towards Luna’s goal with all her might. Lynn Sr. moved to intercept, but he was a second too late.

“GOOOOOOOOAL~!” Lynn cheered. Luna got up and dusted herself off.

“Not bad, luv. Not bad at all,” she said. “But I’m just gettin’ warmed up.”

“What a coincidence. So am I,” Lynn retorted.

The match continued well into the afternoon. While he wasn’t defending his goal, Lincoln couldn’t help but be mesmerized by how well Luna was able to keep up with Lynn. She was able to chase her all over the yard, and she even managed to get away from her from time to time. What’s more, the two of them began trying to one-up each other by doing fancier and tricker shots. When Luna managed to strike the ball into Lincoln’s goal with her head, Lynn retaliated by performing a perfect bicycle kick into Lynn Sr.’s goal. The two played on until the sun began to set.

By that time, both Lynn and Luna were entirely spent. They panted heavily, practically watering the lawn with their sweat. Lynn Sr. and Lincoln weren’t fairing much better.

“O-okay, girls. I-I think that’s enough,” said Lynn Sr..

“Y-yeah,” Lincoln agreed. “I-I don’t know… how much more… I can take.”

Lynn grunted as she dragged herself towards the ball. “C-c’mon, Linc. D-don’t bail on me now. We’ve got her on the ropes! We’re gonna show her what-for!”

“Dude, you look like you can barely stand,” Luna rasped. “I-I think we can just call it a game.”

“Y-yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?!” Lynn snarled. “I’m probably just one goal away from kicking your butt and putting you in your place, and you want me to just—“

“Um, actually, Lynn?” said Lincoln sheepishly. “I, uh…  I haven’t been keeping score. Have you, Dad?”

Lynn Sr. shrugged. “Afraid not.”

Lynn whipped her head around, her eyes as wide as dinner plates.

“Wait, what?! No one was keeping score?!” she roared. “How am I supposed to put Luna in her place if I don’t know how badly I kicked her butt?!”

Luna let out a snicker and shook her head. “You think you kicked my butt? Luv, get your head out of the clouds. I’m not too shabby at fútbol, if I do say so m’self.”

“It’s soccer!” Lynn screamed. “Soc-cer! Just call it soccer like a normal person! You’re not British, and you’re not in bloody ol’ England. You’re an American living in America! Why do you have to pretend to be something you’re not instead of just being happy with who you are, dang it?!”

Everyone flinched from Lynn’s outburst, with Luna letting out a small gasp. Lynn snorted and growled as she stumbled up to the ball, ready to deliver a mighty kick. But when she looked up and saw Luna’s pained expression, she stopped dead in her tracks.

“A-are you okay, Luna?” Lincoln asked.

Luna heaved a great sigh and cast her gaze downward. “That’s what you really think about me, huh, Lynn? That I’m just some pretentious git puttin’ on airs? That I’m somehow unhappy with my lot in life?”

Lynn’s face clouded over with concern. “Wh-whoa, hey. I-I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. I-I was just—“

Luna raised her hand. “It’s okay, Lynn. I get it. Maybe I… kinda took things a bit too far.”  Her lips curled into a somber smirk as she walked over to Lynn. “Honestly, I don’t care if you call it soccer. I was just messin’ with ya.”

Lynn blinked. “Wait, so you were doing that on purpose?”

Luna let out a dry chuckle. “How could I not? You were getting all riled up over something so silly. It’s ridiculous.”  She then sighed. “But, I didn’t think you’d take it so personally. I’m sorry.”

“N-no, it’s okay. I’m the one who was the atomic jerk here,” said Lynn. She looked down and started shuffling her feet. “Trust me, I get into a lot of debates about this at school, and I actually know some jerks who really do think they’re somehow superior just because they call soccer football. But you’re not like them, and I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

Luna nodded and patted Lynn on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. I may like a lot about our neighbors across the pond, and maybe one day, I’ll get to go there myself. But I’ll never forget who I am and where I’m from. Nor am I ashamed of it.”

“Cool. That… that’s good to hear,” said Lynn. She then smiled and socked Luna in the arm. “For the record, you are pretty good at soccer. You gotta tell me how you learned to play like that.”

Luna shrugged and rubbed her arm sheepishly. “Not much to tell, really. We play it at school every now and then. That, and I kinda picked up some stuff from watchin’ you.”

Lynn chuckled. “No kidding? Huh. No wonder you could move like that.”

“Yeah,” said Luna. She looked over at Lynn Sr. and Lincoln. “Hey, you guys wanna go another round? Birds against blokes this time?”

Lynn Sr. and Lincoln looked at each other for a moment. Lincoln shook his head vigorously.

“I… think we’re good for now, Lunes,” said Lynn Sr.. “I should probably get dinner ready, anyway.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. I’m starving,” said Lynn.

“Same here, luv,” said Luna. The four of them made their way back inside. “Hey, Lynn. We might call the sport different things, but I know one thing we can agree on.”

“What’s that?”

“The guys over at FIFA are a bunch of nutters for deciding to host the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.”

Lynn Sr. groaned and rolled his eyes. “Ugh, I know, right?! Whose bright idea was that?!”

“Um, sorry, maybe I need to brush up on my geography,” said Lynn sheepishly. “What’s wrong with Qatar?”

“Oh man, where to start?” griped Luna. “Well, for one thing, the temperature during the summer over there is absolutely brutal. I looked it up, and it can get to over a hundred degrees!”

“Are you serious?!” Lynn gasped. “That means they’re hosting the World Cup in a place where soccer physically can’t be played! It’s like if the NFL decided to host the next Super Bowl in a freaking lake! Why would they do that?!”

While the three of them continued to gab away, Lincoln lagged behind. Though the conversation was completely lost on him, there was something about seeing his siblings bond that always brought a smile to his face.

Now I just have to figure out how Luna can call soccer football without confusing herself, he mused. Sports just make no sense to me sometimes.