User blog:Thomperfan/Nighttime Shenanigans

(It starts with me and Lincoln coming out of the bathroom, having just brushed our teeth.)

Me: Ah. Another great day. Ey, Lincoln?

Lincoln: (sleepily) Yeah, sure Nolan. (Yawns)

Me: Lincoln, are you okay? You look really sleepy.

Lincoln: No, I’m fine. I’ve just had a busy day, that's all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help my sisters get ready for bed.

(He’s about to go into Lori and Leni's room, but I go in front of him.)

Me: Nuh-uh. No, Lincoln. The only place you have to go is to bed.

Lincoln: But-

Me: No buts, Lincoln. You're tired. You need rest.

Lincoln: But Nolan, I have to help my sisters. They're counting on me and I can't let them down.

Me: Don't worry about it. I’ll help them get ready for bed.

Lincoln: Really? I'm not sure.

Me: Lincoln, buddy. I can do this. You just worry about sleeping.

Lincoln: (sighs) Thanks buddy. You're the best.

Me: I know.

(The two of us hug.)

Me: Now you go and rest.

(Lincoln goes to his room to sleep and I turn to the audience)

Me: (to the viewers) Okay, I know what you're thinking: Nolan, what are you doing? Aren't you worried that something is going to go wrong? Well to that I say: (laughs) You're hilarious. Look, when you’ve spent as much time with these eleven kids as much as I have, you know their problems and what they need, so helping ten of them get ready to go to sleep should be easy. Now to start off with the two eldest (and hottest) daughters, Lori and Leni.

(I go into Lori and Leni's room. Lori is doing her nails and Leni is reading a magazine.)

Me: Hello ladies.

Lori: Nolan, what are you doing here? Where's Lincoln? I literally need him.

Me: Lincoln is not available tonight, so I have conveniently stepped in for him and am happy to assist you with whatever you girls need.

Lori: Oh, how sweet. Well, I need you to get my phone for me. I literally left it downstairs.

Me: Don't worry, I’m on it.

(I grab a flashlight and carefully head downstairs.)

Me: Hm. Now if I were Lori Loud, where would I leave my phone? (I start searching the first level of the Loud House, first I search the kitchen, but with no luck. Then I trying looking in the living room and find it on the couch.)

Me: Oh, there it is! (I grab it) You my friend, are going upstairs to your rightful owner.

(I come back up to Lori and Leni’s room. And present Lori’s phone to her, getting down on one knee.)

Me: (to Lori) M’lady, I present to you: Your phone.

Lori: Thank you, Noey. (takes the phone) Now I can finish texting my Bobby Boo-Boo Bear.

(Lori starts texting, while I move onto Leni.)

Me: Hey, Leni. Do you need any help?

Leni: Oh, hi sweetie. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do need help. (she goes to the closet and pulls out two dresses. One is green, with little fringes on it, and the other one is red and looks like one of those red carpet dresses people wear.) I’m going to a fashion show, tomorrow, after school. And I need help choosing which of these dresses I should wear. What do you think?

Me: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… (I look at the two dresses for a couple of minutes.) Uh, I can’t decide. So, looks like I’ll just have to choose the scientific way.

(I take a deep breath and then… )

Me: Eeny Meeny Miney Mo. Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go. My mom told me to pick the very best one and you are it! (I point to the red dress) That’s the dress you should wear tomorrow.

Leni: Phew! Thanks, Noey. That could’ve been a real disaster.

Me: Glad I could help, girls. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go help your other sisters.

(I’m about to leave, when suddenly I’m grabbed and placed on the bed by Lori)

Lori: Whoa, hold your horses, cowboy, you didn’t let us pay you yet.

Me: Pay me? What do you mean? How much money?

(Lori and Leni both apply lipstick and pucker up. Cuts to a few minutes later, I come out of Lori and Leni’s room dizzy and covered in smooch marks.)

Lori and Leni: (sweetly; off-screen) Goodnight, Noey. (Giggles)

Me: (sighs) Goodnight, ladies. (laughs goofily and then I snap out of it.) OK, time to move onto Luna and Luan.

(I head into Luna and Luan’s room where Luna’s holding her guitar with the strings snapped, and Luan is reading a book.)

Me: Hey, girls!

Luna: Hey, bro! Where’s Linc? We need that little dude’s help.

Me: Lincoln is currently not available tonight. So, I am here to assist you girls with whatever you need help with.

Luna: Sweet! I could use some help stringing my axe, I played a little too wildly today and the strings broke.

Me: Don’t worry, Luna. I can do that.

(I replace the strings on Luna’s guitar.)

Me: There, now try em out.

(Luna takes her guitar and starts playing it and it works like a charm.)

Luna: Rockin! Thanks, little bro!

Me: No problem, Lunes. (I go over to Luan) Luan, what do you need help with?

Luan: Well, I’ve two children’s birthday parties and stand-up routine at the Chortle Portal booked tomorrow. Since, Lincoln’s my assistant, I would’ve asked him to get my props ready. But since, he’s not here, would you mind doing it?

Me: Not at all.

(Cuts to me getting Luan’s props ready. I inflate all of the whoopee cushions, Shine Luan’s clown shoes and her bright red clown nose, pack up all the balloons, make sure the microphone still works and make sure her flower still squirts water.)

Me: There we go, Luan. All of your comedy stuff is packed, cleaned and ready for you to use tomorrow.

Luan: Thanks, Nolan. You’re the best (kisses my cheek)

Me: No problem, Luan. All in the day’s work. (I step outside the room) Goodnight, Luna. Goodnight, Luan.

Luna and Luan: Goodnight, Nolan. (door closes)

Me: Next stop, the two middle sisters, Lynn and Lucy.

(I go into Lynn and Lucy’s room. Lynn is punching her punching bag, and Lucy is sitting on her bed trying to write another poem.)

Me: Hey, guys.

Lynn: Hey, Nolan! (punches the bag) You seen Lincoln? (punches the bag again) I need his help.

Me: Lincoln couldn’t be here tonight, so I’m filling in for him. Do you girls need any help?

Lynn: Well, since you’re here, I have boxing practice tomorrow, and I wanna make sure I’m prepared, so I need you to spar with me.

Me: I’m not usually a fighter, but OK.

(Lynn gets out a mat and we both stand on it, facing each other.)

Me: OK, Lynn, don’t forget, I’m older than you, so be careful.

Lynn: Oh please, I took down both of my parents one time.

(This makes me a little nervous, but decide to go through with it. Lynn throws the first punch. But I block it. She starts throwing several more punches but I block each and every one. The she starts kicking and I block them as well. Then I throw a punch to Lynn and she actually feels it, then I move behind Lynn,grab her arms and slam her to the ground. Lynn doesn’t get up for a minute, and I look worried.)

Me: (worried) Oh my gosh! Lynn, are you OK?

(Lynn opens her eyes)

Lynn: That… Was… AWESOME!!! (jumps up) Wow, that was so cool! You just blocked all of my blows! How’d you know what I was going to do?!

Me: Lincoln taught me all of your moves, he taught me what to do when sparring you.

Lynn: Oh. Well, thanks, Nolan. I’m feeling way more prepared. Like I can take on anything! (she punches the wall and hurts her hand.) OW! (she holds her hand)

Me: Uh, yeah, but maybe you should go to sleep first.

Lynn: OK, that sounds like a good idea.

(I go over to Lucy)

Me: Hello, Lucy. Anything you need help with?

Lucy: I’m writing a new poem and I need a word that rhymes with “trick”.

Me: Hm, let me see. Stick, Lick, Brick, Rick, Kick, Click, Sick, and don’t forget, Chick.

Lucy: I knew I could depend on you.

Me: Don’t mention it. (I walk out) Goodnight, girls.

Lynn and Lucy: Goodnight, Nolan.

(The door closes)

Me: Now to take care of the twins.

(I come into Lana and Lola’s room. Lana is polishing an race car engine and Lola is setting up a tea party.)

Me: Girls, I’m here to help you.

Lana and Lola: You? Where’s Lincoln?

Me: LIncoln is busy tonight, so I’m filling in for him.

Lola: OK, help me first!

Lana: No, help me first!

Lola: No me!

Lana: No me!

Me: Girls! I’ll decide which one of you I’ll help first. OK Lana, since you’re the older twin. You’re up first.

(Lana smirks with triumph, while Lola pouts)

Me: So what seems to be the problem Lana?

Lana: Well, Izzy, Hops and El Diablo are all hiding around the house somewhere, and I have to find them.

Me: OK, Lana. Don’t worry, we’ll find them.

(Me and Lana head out of the room to try and find the 3 pets.)

Me: OK, now if I was a reptile, where would I be?

(Just then we spot Izzy on running on the walls.)

Lana: There’s Izzy!

(Me and Lana chase after Izzy. She moves from the wall and onto the ground, but we manage to catch up to her and Lana grabs her just in time.)

Lana: Gotcha!

Me: (I notice Hops hopping over to the bathroom) Lana, look, Hops is over there!

(We chase after Hops and Lana grabs him.)

Lana: 2 down 1 to go. Where could El Diablo be?

Me: Uh, Lana?

Lana: Hm, where could that snake possibly be hanging out?

Me: Lana?!

Lana: Where in this house is that snake?

Me: LANA?!

Lana: What?

(It reveals El Diablo is on me)

Me: I found El Diablo.

Lana: Oh. Aw, look, he likes you.

Me: Yeah, let’s get these guys back to your room.

(Cuts to me and Lana putting the animals back in their tanks.)

Lana: Thanks, Nolan, I couldn’t have done it without you.

Me: No problem, Lans. (We fist-bump. I move on to Lola) So, Lola. What’s your problem.

Lola: I need someone to have a tea party with me.

Me: OK, that I can do.

(Cuts to me joining Lola and her dolls’ tea party.)

Lola: More tea, Sir Noington?

Me: Yes please.

(Lola uses the teapot to pour more tea into my teacup. I sip it.)

Me: Lola, may I please have another cookie?

Lola: But, Nolan, you just had ten already.

Me: Can I please make it eleven?

Lola: (sigh) OK, but this is your last one.

(I take another cookie, and eat it.)

Me: OK, Lola, this has been fun, but it’s time for you and Lana to go to bed.

(The twins cling onto my legs)

Twins: But, we don’t want to go bed!

Me: Oh, I know girls. But sleep is important, and don’t you girls have a bluebell scout meeting, tomorrow?

Lana: Oh, right! We’ve got that cookie drive tomorrow!

Lola: We better get to sleeping.

(Lana and Lola get into bed, and I kiss both of them on their cheeks.)

Me: Goodnight, my little angels.

Twins: Goodnight, Nolan.

Me: Uh, by the way, you wouldn’t mind spotting me, Lincoln, and Clyde some cookie boxes, would you?

Twins: Sure, Nolan.

Me: Thanks, goodnight girls. (I turn off the lights and close the door) And lastly, Lisa and Lily.

(I head into Lisa and Lily’s room, Where Lisa is fixing working on something at her desk and Lily is toddling around in her crib.)

Me: Greetings, Lisa.

Lisa: Greetings, Nolan. Do you know where my elder brother is? I require his assistance.

Me: Lincoln is unavailable tonight, so I have stepped in for him.

Lisa: Ah, I see. Well, as you can see, I’m working on a very important experiment. But in order for it to work I need all of my family’s DNA samples, since Lincoln’s busy, I can always get his tomorrow. But since, you’re here, I could use yours.

Me: Ok, sure.

(I stick my tongue out and Lisa takes a cotton swab and dabs it on to my tongue, getting some of my saliva.)

Lisa: (holds a cup) I also need a poop sample.

Me: Wait, why do you need a poop sample from me?

Lisa: Uh… No reason. (she smiles her creepy smile)

Me: (I roll my eyes) Oh great. (to Lisa) Yeah, I’m just gonna pretend it’s not for something weird and creepy. Ok, I’ll do it, but just this once. (I take cup and start to poop in it) OK, there you go.

Lisa: Thank you.

Me: OK, Lis, you can work on this experiment more tomorrow. Now, it’s time for you to go to sleep.

Lisa: Pish Posh. Great scientists don’t need sleep. They stay as long as they need to, and that’s what I’m doing no-(She instantly falls asleep before finishing her last word.

Me: (chuckling to myself) 4 year olds.

(I carry Lisa and put her in bed. Just then a foul stench reaches my nostrils.)

Me: (grossed-out) Ew!

(It reveals to be coming from Lily’s diaper. Lily giggles.)

Me: Well, Lily, looks like it’s your turn. Let’s get your diaper changed.

(I carry Lily over to the diaper changing station and change her diaper. A few seconds later, Lily is still awake.)

Me: Hm, Lily, what would make you fall asleep?

Lily: Lull-by! Lull-by! (giggles)

Me: Oh, a lullaby. Hm, I think I know a song that’ll make you sleepy.

(We sit on the ground. I cradle Lily and place her pacifier in her mouth, as rock her back and forth and start humming)

Me: (singing) ''𝅘𝅥𝅮 Precious girl, in our lives, making every moment bright. Your mom and daddy love you. You fill us all with light. Precious girl, so special too. God has got a plan for you. And we can see it clearly, as you shine his light. Do you realize, when you shine, everyone sees you? The lives you touch. You’re worth so much and that is just how God made you. Precious girl, can’t you see, you’re part of this family. This one thing I promise: God’s plan for you is true. You are worth so much, and it’s just by being youuuuuuuuu.𝅘𝅥𝅮''

(Lily has fallen fast asleep I place her in her crib and kiss her on the cheek)

Me: Goodnight, my darling.

(I turn off the lights and close the door.)

Me: (to the viewers) And that makes ten. See guys, I told you I could handle this. Lincoln’s sisters are all so unique and amazing, I just love helping them out, and I’m pretty sure over the years, I’m gonna help them even more. (sigh) I’m bushed. I think I should get a glass of water.

(I go downstairs and into the kitchen. I get myself a glass of water, but just then I hear a bark, I turn around to see Charles, Cliff, Geo and Walt.)

Me: (To the pets) Oh, hey guys. What do you guys need? (Charles points to the treats on the counter) Oh, you guys want one last treat before you go bed?

(The pets nod)

Me: OK, here you go. (I take 4 treats out of the bag and give them to the pets) OK, guys, off to bed you go.

(The pets head out of the kitchen and upstairs. Just then I hear the TV going on in the living room.)

Me: Wha-? I could’ve sworn all the LKs went to bed.

(I go outside to see Rita and Lynn Sr. watching T.V.)

Me: Miss Rita? Mr. Lynn?

Rita: Oh, hi, sweetie.

Lynn Sr.: Hey Sport, what are you doing up?

Me: (sighs) Don’t get me started. I’ve been helping the girls get ready for bed. It’s been a hassle, but it’s fun.

Rita: Aw, that’s nice.

Me: So, what are you guys doing?

Rita: Oh, we’re just watching one of the TV shows we used to watch when we were young.

Me: At night?

Lynn Sr.: Of course! We’d never be able to get to watch it during the day!

Me: Oh yeah, that does make sense.

Rita: Would you like to join us?

Me: Uh, no thanks. I’d love to, but I’m so tired, I think I’m gonna turn it for the night.

Lynn Sr.: OK, suit yourself.

Rita: Goodnight, sweetie.

Me: Goodnight, you guys.

(Lynn Sr. pats me on the head, and Rita gives me a kiss on the cheek. I then go upstairs.)

Me: (to the viewers) Well, this has been quite a night. See you guys next time, in the morning.

(I go into to Lincoln’s room and close the door)

THE END