User blog:Thomperfan/Teacher's Union (my version)

(It starts with Girl Jordan screaming, getting nailed in the face by a dodgeball, and collapsing. Penelope runs by Me, Lincoln and Clyde and gets nailed too, followed by Zach, then Andrew, then Liam)

Lincoln: [To Clyde] "Man, I hate gym class." [Gets nailed]

Me: Me too! (gets nailed)

Clyde: "And the worst part is, class hasn't even started yet."

[Gets nailed into his underwear, and winds up lying on the floor with his fellow classmates]

Coach Pacowski: [Blows his whistle] "Okay, now that you're warmed up, let's begin."

Zach: "Coach, any chance we can play with the parachute today?" [Pacowski nails him with another dodgeball]

Rusty: "I don't think he heard you Zack, [Slyly] ask him again." [Gets nailed]

Coach Pacowski: [Blows his whistle] Line up! [Everyone lines up] Today you'll be running the obstacle course. [Gestures to an army style obstacle course]

Girl Jordan: [Nervous] Is it legal to have barbed wire in school?

Me: (nervous; to Girl Jordan) Forget the barbed wire, I’m more concerned about that big cinder block!

Coach Pacowski: You're first Mr. and Mrs. Mouthy. [Blows his whistle again, and everyone starts. We all find ourselves in a really painful situation]

Rusty: [Falling down the rope] Rope burn!

Coach Pacowski: Suck it up Spokes! No one leaves until each and every one of you runts finishes this course!

[Mrs. Johnson appears in the doorway]

Mrs. Johnson: Good morning Coach Pacowski.

Coach Pacowski: [Realizing that Mrs. Johnson was there] Uh, why-uh, he-, hello, [tips his hat] Mrs. Johnson.

[Slips over a dodgeball, tries to pick himself back up using the cart, but it rolls out from under his arm and he falls over again. He sits up, watches Mrs. Johnson leave, and is now in a trance, the students approach him]

Girl Jordan: Coach, can we stop? My toenail fell off.

Coach Pacowski: [Still in a trance] Huh? Yeah, sure, class dismissed, you all get A's.

[At the locker hallway]

Rusty Spokes: "Can someone open my locker? [With bandages on his hands] My rope burn is serious.

[Clyde opens it]

Zach: "Man! Gym class was brutal today."

Girl Jordan: "Yeah, good thing Mrs. Johnson came by before we got to the barbed wire." [Shudders in fear]

Me: I wish she came before I got to that big cinder block (groans) My back!

Liam: "Coach sure is sweet on her ain’t he?"

Clyde: "Can you imagine if Coach and Mrs. Johnson were a couple, gym class would be way less painful."

Zach: "It'd be non-stop parachute time!"

Me: That would be paradise.

Lincoln: "Hmm, [Gets an idea] I think you guys are onto something, what if we could make them a couple?"

Liam: "Now how in tarnation would we do that?"

Lincoln: [Determined] "Leave it to me."

[Later at the Loud House, in Lori and Leni's room where Lori is reading a magazine]

Lincoln: "So my friend really likes this girl-"

Lori: [Gasps in excitement] "OMG! [Pulls Lincoln under the covers] You're talking about yourself aren't you? Who's the girl?!"

Lincoln: "No, no, it's not me. So, he likes her, but I'm not sure she's into him."

Lori: "Oh, have Clyde ask her for you."

Lincoln: [Annoyed] "It's not me! Can you focus, please? Now, how do get her to be interested in him, too?"

Lori: [Not focusing] "I'm sure she'll be interested in you, Lincoln, you're so great!"

Lincoln: [Getting angry] "Lori, I swear I will walk out of this room and go ask Lola!"

Lori: "Fine, I'll help you with your 'friend'. All you have to do is talk him up when you know this girl is listening, make him seem like a real catch."

Lincoln: "That's great advice! Thanks!" [Leaves the room, then contacts Me and Clyde] "Clyde, Nolan, do you read me?"

Clyde: "Loud and clear, Lincoln. How'd it go with Lori?"

Me: Did she know what to do?

Lincoln: "It went great. I knew she'd have the answer, but I could really use your help."

Clyde: "I'm your man."

Me: Me too!

[The next day at school, Me, Lincoln and Clyde enter the Gymnasium suspiciously looking at opposite directions]

Lincoln: "So, Lori says the first step is to talk up Coach's good points"

Clyde: "Got it.

Me: Wait, what good points?"

Lincoln: "That's what we're here to find out."

[The three of us tiptoe in the gym, hide behind the dodgeball cart, and Lincoln unlocks the lock to it letting loose the balls. From the office, Pacowski witnesses it]

Coach Pacowski: "What the heck, I just stacked these!" [Runs after the balls while Lincoln and Clyde snuck into his office. Lincoln saw something on the desk]

Lincoln: "A medical book? Wow! Coach must be studying to become a doctor."

Me: "That'll be helpful since he injures so many of us in class."

Lincoln: "More importantly, it's really going to impress Mrs. J."

[Just then, Me, Lincoln and Clyde looked up to see pictures of Pacowski]

Clyde: "Check out the world traveler. Mrs. J's gonna love that."

[Suddenly, Coach's cell phone rings and the three of us quickly hid under the desk. Pacowski answers it]

Coach Pacowski: "Roquefort Pacowski, [Hearing inaudible gibberish on phone] hey, hey thanks for calling me back, Sal. I need to talk to you about a part for my boat."

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: [From under the desk] "He has a boat?"

[Later, during lunch, Mrs. Johnson is eating a salad, Clyde, Lincoln and I sit at the table behind her]

Lincoln: [Acting] "Clyde, you'll never believe what I found out today. Did you know Coach P. is studying to be a doctor?" [Mrs. Johnson looks surprised]

Clyde: [Also acting] "No way Lincoln, I'm surprised he has the time, what with all the world traveling he does on his boat."

Lincoln: "A boat you say?"

Clyde: "Yeah, I heard he just ordered a new part for for it."

Me: "Wow, I never realized what a catch Coach is. How has he managed to stay single all these years?

Clyde: "I guess he's too modest to toot his own horn.

Me: "You mean the one on his boat?" [Chuckles while Mrs. Johnson smiles at this]

[Meanwhile, back at the Loud House, Lincoln is talking to Lori while she's painting her toenails]

Lincoln: "Okay, so I followed your advice, and now the girl seems interested in my friend. What's the next step?"

Lori: "Uhh, duh, you ask her out. You literally have the green light, Romeo."

Lincoln: [Facepalms and groans] "Lori, it's not me!"

Lori: Fine, tell your friend he literally has the greenlight. How long do you wanna play this game, Lincoln?"

[Lincoln sighs in annoyance]

[Back at school, in Coach Pascowski's office, Me, Lincoln and Clyde are at the side of the door putting our next phase of the plan into action. We both bounce back and forth with a basketball, acting out]

Clyde: [Acting] "Man, I really feel bad for Mrs. Johnson, National 'Ask A Teacher Out' Day, and no one has asked her out."

Lincoln: [Also acting] "Huh, I wonder why Mr. Wolfson hasn't made a move?"

Me: "Eh, she'd never go for a humanities teacher. She's more into the athletic type. [Coach listens to their conversation] You know, guys who are tough on kids and stern authoritarians, and it they like to blow whistles, even better."

[Coach smiles at this and walks out of the room, passed between Me, Lincoln and Clyde]

Lincoln: "Yes! He took the bait."

Clyde: "Yeah, but he can't ask her out looking like that."

[The three of us look at each other in agreement. Outside the principal's office Lincoln swipes a bouquet of flowers off the secretary's desk, meanwhile, Clyde and I are in the auditorium and Clyde grabs a costume off the rack. We meet up outside Mrs. Johnson's class and see Coach P approaching, they nod at each other noting that it's go time. Clyde leans up against the lockers while I pretend to take a drink from the fountain, and "accidentally" sprays Coach Pacowski]

Me: "Oopsie, here, let me neatly comb that for you."

[I start combing Coach P’s hair, meanwhile, Clyde sneaks behind Coach with a box of apple juice, and sprays it all over Coach's shirt]

Clyde: "Sorry, here, I happen to have a fresh shirt with no pit stains."

[Spins Coach Pacowski into the costume he took from the auditorium]

Lincoln: "Gosh, what am I going to do with this romantic bouquet of flowers? [Holds the flowers he stole from the secretary's desk] I'm allergic."

Coach Pacowski: [Swipes the flowers] "Give me those!"

[Coach walks off in his new look and he enters Mrs. Johnson's classroom. She notices him]

Mrs. Johnson: "Oh, well, hello, Coach." [Notices the flowers] "Oh, are those for me?" Coach Pacowski: "Uhh, th-they, they are indeed. [Chuckles, gives the flowers to her] "A-Agnes, I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me tonight?" [Nervously]

Mrs. Johnson: "Well, I guess I could skip my hot yoga class. You're on!"

Coach Pacowski: [Sees the students staring at them] "WHAT'RE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?! BACK TO WORK!" [to Agnes] I uh, I can't help when I'm just a stern authoritarian kind of guy." [Blows his whistle. Lincoln, Clyde and I have seen the whole thing and high five]

THE NEXT DAY

[The three of us stand behind the gymnasium doors]

Lincoln: " Well, guys, if everything went according to plan last night, today's gym class should be all about-"

[We both open the doors and gasp in surprise. Their gym classmates are playing with...]

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: "THE PARACHUTE!"

Me: YAY!

Clyde: "We did it, Buddy!"

Lincoln: [Touched] "Remember this moment."

[The kids cheered them on]

Gym class student: "Lincoln, you're a hero!"

Lincoln: "It wasn't just me, it was a team effort by Clocoln McClouden."

Kids (Except Me, Lincoln and Clyde): [Chanting while raising the parachute up and down] "CLOCOLN MCCLOUDEN! CLOCOLN MCCLOUDEN! CLOCOLN MCCLOUDEN!" [The three of us get under the parachute, feeling happy]

Clyde: "So, where's Coach?"

Lincoln: "Probably on the phone planning his wedding."

[Lincoln and Clyde popped their heads in from the parachute to take a look, instead of Coach planning, he bangs his head on the desk in disappointment and sorrow]

Me: "Wow, all the best venues must be booked."

Lincoln: "I think it's worse than that, Nolan."

Clyde: "You're right, he looks like my Nana after she loses Bingo, Bingo's her dog, not the game. [We pop out and approached the Coach, he is still banging his head]

Lincoln: "Hey, Coach. How ya doin'?"

Coach Pacowski: "Just great. My love life is in the toilet and I'm gonna be alone forever!"

Me: "How could that be? We saw you ask out Mrs. Johnson the other day, she seemed thrilled."

Coach Pacowski: "Well, that didn't last long, everything about me seemed a dissapointer."

Clyde: "Uhh, what do you mean?"

Coach Pacowski: "Well, for some reason, she thought I had a yacht, and when I told her I just live on a houseboat with my Mom, she looked like my Uncle Bill, when he losses checkers. That's his cat, not the game. And she was less than enthused when she found out I'm not some 'big world traveler'."

Lincoln: "You're not? [Correcting his blurt and looks and the pictures] Urr, uh, I was just looking at those pictures on your wall."

Coach Pacowski: "Those were from that new mini-golf course by the airport, Hole-In-Wonders Of The World. I've never left Michigan in my life."

Clyde: "She must have perked up when she found out you're in Med School." [Stunned when he was about to reveal the real reason] "I, ur, I-I just, I saw that book on your desk."

Coach Pacowski: "This? I checked it out at the library. I'm trying to figure out what heck is going on here!" [Pulls out his sock to reveal his nasty foot infection and Lincoln and Clyde gasped in disgust] "Yeah, it's the same reaction Agnes had at dinner." [Sighs] "Boys, I need to be alone. Go play with the parachute for the rest of the school year, okay?"

[The three of us look at each other, guiltily]

Me: "Uhh, Coach, there's something we need to tell you." [After the confession Lincoln and Clyde told him later on] "So you see, because of us, Mrs. Johnson had all the wrong ideas about you. That's the reason you're date bombed. It wasn't anything you did."

Clyde: "Though, the foot rash didn't help."

[Lincoln and I glare at Clyde, he shrugs]

Lincoln: "We're sorry. We never should've meddled in your personal life."

Clyde: "But please don't give up on love because of us. As my Dads always say, 'there's a lid for every jar', and I know there's one out there for you. Or a jar. I'm not sure which one you are in this situation."

Coach Pacowski: "Well, thank you for coming clean, boys. I appreciate your honesty."

Lincoln: "You do?

Me: So, you're not gonna punish us?"

Coach Pacowski: "Oh, I'm not gonna punish you. [Lincoln and Clyde smiled at each other slyly, while I mop my brow in relief, but suddenly, Coach gets furious] "I AM GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!"

[The three of run in horror while Coach gives chase. We run towards the other kids playing with the parachute and still chanting 'Clocoln McLouden' and are propelled into the air by the parachute, the same happens to coach, they we run through the obstacle course, very proficiently, with coach in hot pursuit, as we run through the tires, they see the crusher, we manage to dodge it and grab the ropes, coach lunges at them but seemingly gets flattened, Lincoln, Clyde and I are relieved when suddenly coach lifts the crusher right up, the three of us scream in terror and climb the rope, coach following us, we switch from the rope to the monkey bars and drop down on to the launch pad, we’re launched over the barrier, front flipping before landing, coach drops down on to the pad but gets launched head first into the wooden barrier, giving himself a concussion, Me, Lincoln and Clyde run over to him]

Clyde: "Coach, are you okay?"

Coach Pacowski: "I already scraped the barnacles Ma."

[The three of us look at each other with concern. At the Nurses' office, Coach comes to wearing bandages on his head, laying on the bed]

Nurse Patty: "Oh, well, now that's quite a goose egg, Coach. Geez, how'd you do that?"

Coach Pacowski: "Uh, well, I uh-"

Lincoln: "He was just showing us the best way to run the obstacle course."

Nurse Patty: "Maybe you should stick to something a little less strenuous, eh, like um, mini-golf? Now that's my game. [She shows Coach the pictures of her mini-golf days, same ones as Pacowski's]

Coach Pacowski: "Wait, you, you like mini-golf, Nurse Patty?"

Nurse Patty: "Like it? You're talking to the Royal Woods mini-golf queen."

Coach Pacowski: [Chuckles] "Well, you're talking to the Royal Woods mini-golf king."

Nurse Patty: "Oh, well I'll believe that when I see it."

Coach Pacowski: "Hey, how 'bout a round of golf with me tonight?"

Nurse Patty: "I'm in. Loser buys corn dogs and pop at the snack shack."

Coach Pacowski: "Deal!"

Clyde: "Looks like Coach found his lid, or his jar, [Ponders] still not sure."

Lincoln: "Which means a whole lot of parachute time for us." [Locks arms with Me and Clyde]

Me: [Touched] "Cherish this moment."

[Soon after the bell rings, and class starts, Mrs, Johnson storms inside, very upset]

Mrs. Johnson: "Alright class, I'm gonna break it down for you. I had a lousy date last night and I'm not in a good mood, so it's pop quiz time!" [The kids groan] "Pull out a sheet of paper and number it one to ten. Question 1: Your Mom's houseboat counts as a boat, true or false? [After explaining the question, she notices a school janitor at the door, he tips up his hat while Mrs. Johnson smiles. That gives Me, Lincoln and Clyde another plan as Lincoln ducks under the desk to call Lori on his cellphone]

Lincoln: "Hey, Lori! Listen, I've got another friend who needs my dating help. [Lori speaks in inaudible gibberish thinking that it's still Lincoln who needs help, he's annoyed and angry] "No, it's not me!"

THE END