User blog:Chanyhuman/Badging Things UP

The fallowing is a genderbent version of Patching Things Up.

Story

Lexx: “Okay, tea set, canyons, and backup hair gel. As it says in the brochure, Club Scouts have to be prepared for anything.”

Leif: “Yep. That’s why I packed my toolbox, bug spray, back up roll of TP.”

Lexx: “I can't believe we're gonna be Club Scouts!”

Lexx & Leif: “Together! Woooooooo!”

Lexx: “We can't get ahead of ourselves! We have to pass the tryouts first! Which is why I'm giving you my lucky King's scepter!” *holds up the scepter*

Lief: “Aw! Thanks, bro! *takes the scepter* And I'm giving you my lucky plunger! [Lexx takes the plunger with a disgusted look on his face.] Don't worry, I only use this one for sinks.“

Lexx: *A little relieved* “Thanks... Shall we?”

[Lexx and Leif get out of their room, but Linka and Clare are in their way]

Linka: “Ready for our trip, guys?”

Lexx and Leif: “Our?”

Lexx: The Club Scouts are for boys only.

Linka: “But can't a girl at least support her brothers on the tryouts?”

Clare: “I thought we were just going for the popcorn.”

Linka: *shuts Clare's mouth* “What Clare means to say is, support, number 1. But if we do happen to come across some of those almost world-famous Club Scout popcorn...”

Clare: “The ones with extra butter, chocolate covered, and three cheese... “

[The girls start drooling like waterfalls.]

Lexx & Leif: *at the same time* “A Club Scout's always prepared!” [They take their umbrellas and duck under the drool-falls.]

Scout Master: “Okay, who’s ready to become a Club Scout? If you want to earn the blue sash, you'll need to earn five merit badges today!”

Lexx: “Only five? We so got this!”

[Lexx and Leif fist bump.]

Scout Master: “Now, our first badge is the "Wilderness Protection" badge. *holds up the badge* To earn it, you'll hike through the woods and pick up all the icky stinky litter we find!”

[Both Lexx and Leif gasp; Lexx’s is horrified and Leif’s is excited.]

Lexx and Lief: *at the same time* WE GET TO PICK UP TRASH?!

Leif: * sniffing* “Mmm, spicy Italian. “

[Lexx is Overwhelmed while collecting his trash]

Lexx: “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!” [He screams, then runs away.]

Scout Master: “All right. Rubbish wranglers. Let's see how you did. *sees Leif's pile* That's trash-tastic, Leif! *gives Leif his first badge* Now how about your brother.”

[Enter Lexx in a hazmat suit holding hey soda can by a stick, still overwhelmed.]

Scout Master: “Ooh, I don't think you got this one, buddy.”

[Lexx gets sad.]

Leif: “Don't worry. You'll get the next badge.”

[The trainees walk off and cuts to a pair of binoculars.]

Clare: “Do you see anything?”

Linka: * searching* “Not a crumb.”

Clare: “I don't get it. This is the Club Scouts, right?”

Linka: “Maybe we need to get closer.”

[Clare stands closer to Linka much to her confusion.]

Scout Master: “To earn the "Automobile Repair" badge, you must change a tire on the Club Scout bus! Any volunteers?”

Lief: *holding a power ratchet* “Oh! Oh! Me first. *Changes all four tires, tunes up the engine, and starts the bus* Might wanna get that fan-belt checked.”

Scout Master: *Gives Lief the badge* “Well, aren't you the cutest little grease monkey! Well done! Okay, Lexx! Let's see how you change a tire.”

[Lexx holds up a business card.]

Lexx: “My auto club. Ask for Drake, he is terrific!”

Scout Master: “Hmm. Sorry dear, but that's not the Club Scout way.”

Lief: Come on, Lexi. You gotta step up your game if we’re going to be Club Scouts together. You got this, dude. *slaps his butt*

Lexx: *in pain* OW!

Scout Master: To earn the "Rod and Reel" badge, you must catch a fish. *pulling out a bucket full of worms* Now, everybody grab a squiggly wiggly worm.

[Lexx is just about to throw up, runs off the dock and throws up into a handbag a couple times]

Scout Master: *off screen* That’s a real whopper there.

Lief: Ha! Caught this guy with my bare hands so I could save this guy for myself! [Leif prepares to eat a worm he saved. Lexx then feels nauseous when he sees this, and throw up into the handbag again.]

Leif: He's a tomgirl.

Scout Master: Ah.

[Meanwhile, Linka and Clare continue their popcorn search. They then spot a handbag in the distance.]

Linka: Target sighted, Clare. I’m going in! *hands Clare the binoculars and sneaks around to get to the handbag* Let me wallow in your tasty morsels… [She looks in the bag but sees something not so tasty] Guuuhh! * returns to Clare and starts to gasp deeply*

Clare: What happened? No popcorn?

Linka: Oh, there was popcorn. But not the kind you eat, just the kind you toss.

[The girls’ cheeks puff up, knowing that they’re discussed.]

Scout Master: Now, for the Primitive Survival badge. To earn it, you must dig a latrine.

Lexx: That sounds French. A latrine, what is it?

Leif: *smiles big* It’s a hole you poop in!

[Lexx is shocked by what he just heard, and screams in horror at the top of his lungs so loudly, that it echoes and scares the birds away. As the boys now have lunch, at the picnic area, Lexx is shaking with fear.]

Leif: Lexx, the day’s half over and you don’t have any badges yet. If you don’t start trying harder, we’re not gonna be Club Scouts together.

Lexx: *in anger* I am trying! I just didn’t know that we’d have to do all of this gross… poop and worm stuff.

[Leif starts eating the spicy Italian he collected.]

Leif: *with his mouth full* Aww, come on. It’s not so bad.

Lexx: Yeah, for the boy who eats trash hoagies.

Leif: *burps* You know. Sometimes you just have to step out of your comfort zone.

Lexx: I’m already out of my comfort zone! I’m eating without a table cloth!

Scout Master: Our next Club challenge will be the Survival Outfits badge. *holds up badge*

[Lexx gasps and Leif pouts when the word "outfits" was mentioned.]

Scout Master: Club scouts are prepared for any kind of weather. So I'll give you a forecast, and you'll have to put on the proper outfit. *opens up trunk of different outfits* Snow and ice.

[Snow starts to blow. Lexx shows off his outfit made with an Ushanka, a scarf, a snow robe, and goggles. He races his goggles. Leif digs up from the snow in his usual outfit]

Scout Master: Sunny and hot. *turns on a heat lamp*

[Lexx wears sunglasses, a tank top, trunks, and a sunhat. While Leif only wears sunglasses while lounging on a rock with a lizard]

Scout Master: Rainy and wet.

[He sprays water. Lexx wears a poncho and uses an umbrella. While Leif rolls in mud]

Scout Master: Well, aren't you the prepared Fashionisto! Great work, Lexx! [He spots Leif in his original clothes.]"Whoopsie daisy. Those don't look like the proper rainy day clothes."

Leif: These are "all weather" clothes. I don't need to change into no silly outfits!

Scout Master: Oh, sorry, sonny. That's not the Scout way.

Lexx: Don't worry, Leify, You'll get the next one. You got this, man! *hits his butt*

Leif: *in pain* OW!!!

[At the moment they leave, Linka and Claire pop out of the trunk in fashion items]

Linka: "There's no popcorn in here either."

Clare: I'm starting to lose it, Linka. The extra butter...

Linka: The chocolate covered...

Clare: The three cheese...

[Both moan with delight.]

Scout Master: Whoopsie doodles, almost left all those goodies behind! *regains his backpack*

Linka: *gasps* Of course! He's had them on him the whole time.

Clare: Follow that backpack!

[They jump out of the trunk while Clare is still wearing the suit she got stuck in.]

Linka: Uh...Clare?

Clare: Oh, right, what was I thinking?

[Clare puts on a top hat, pulls her coat up and runs off. Linka looks at the audience confused and follows.]

Scout Master: "Our next Bluebell Challenge will be the Fashion Forecast patch." *holds up patch*

[Lexx gasps and Leif pouts when the word "outfits" was mentioned.]

Scout Master: Club scouts are prepared for any kind of weather. So I'll give you a forecast, and you'll have to put on the proper outfit. *opens up trunk of different outfits* Snow and ice.

[Snow starts to blow. Lexx shows off his outfit made with an Ushanka, a scarf, a snow robe, and goggles. He races his goggles. Leif digs up from the snow in his usual outfit.]

Scout Master: Sunny and hot. *turns on a heat lamp*

[Lexx wears sunglasses, a tank top, trunks, and a sunhat. While Leif only wears sunglasses while lounging on a rock with a lizard.]

Scout Master: Rainy and wet.

[He sprays water. Lexx wears a poncho and uses an umbrella. While Leif rolls in mud.]

Scout Master: Well, aren't you the prepared fashionisto! Great work, Lexx! [He spots Leif in her original clothes.]"Whoopsie daisy. Those don't look like the proper rainy day clothes."

Leif: These are "all weather" clothes. I don't need to change into no silly outfits!

Scout Master: Oh, sorry, sonny. That's not the Scout way.

Lexx: Don't worry, Leify, You'll get the next one. You got this, boy! *hits his butt*

Leif: *in pain* OW!!!

[At the moment they leave, Linka and Claire pop out of the trunk in fashion items]

Linka: "There's no popcorn in here either."

Clare: I'm starting to lose it, Linka. The extra butter...

Linka: The chocolate covered...

Clare: The three cheese...

[Both moan with delight.]

Scout Master: Whoopsie doodles, almost left all those goodies behind! *retrieves his backpack*

Linka: *gasps* Of course! He's had them on him the whole time.

Clare: Follow that backpack!

[They jump out of the trunk while Clare is still wearing the suit she got stuck in]

Linka: Uh...Clare?

Clare: Oh, right, what was I thinking?

[Clare puts on a top hat, pulls his coat up and runs off. Linka looks at the audience confused and follows.]

Scout Master: "To earn the Music Makers badge, you must perform the Club Scout song. Ready, Lexx?"

Lexx: "Ahem. ♫We are the Club Scouts / Loyal, kind, and hub scouts / A better friend you'll never know! ♫"

Scout Master: *applauds Lexx* "Next up. Leif!"

Leif: *on a mic, singing poorly and off-key* ♫We are the Club Scouts, uh, uh... Loyal glue and Sub outs E-I-E-I-O!!!!! ♫ *makes noises with her armpit and drops the mic*

[The Scout Master is aghast at Leif's performance]

Lexx: Leif, what was that?

Leif: You know I'm not good at this prissy sing-y cutesy junk!

Lexx: Well, maybe you just need to...step outside your comfort zone!

[He walks off. Leif is shocked at what he said and blows a raspberry at him.]

Scout Master: "To earn the Arts and crafts badge, you must make a comfy-womfy sit-upon pillow." *shows a pillow* "Club Scouts take these on camping trips so we don't have to sit upon the wet ground, or sleep on the rocks."

[Later, Lexx shows his pillow]

Scout Master: "Very good, Lexx! Excellent use of pom-pom fringe!" *gives Lexx the badge*

Lexx: "Leif, where's your pillow?"

[Leif is covered in tears, scratches, and sewing equipment from failing to make a proper pillow.]

Leif: "This is dumb! I already have something to sit-upon! It's called my butt!" *sits down*

Scout Master: "Time for the Fitness Fun patch!" *wears an aerobics outfit, turns on the music, and puts his backpack aside*

[Linka and Clare peek behind the curtain]

Linka: "Goodies in range!"

Scout Master: "To earn this badge, get your buns in gear and boogey oogey woogey!"

[He and the trainees are doing aerobics. While the rest are doing fine, Leif keeps tripping over and falls on Lexx.]

Leif: *losing balance* "Whoa!"

[A push broom pulls in the backpack, courtesy of the girls.]

Linka: "Yes! We finally got the-" *opens the bag only to find sashes* "What? It's just a bunch of blue sashes!"

Clare: "Actually, they're more of a periwinkle."

[Leif trips one more time, knocking all the trainees and the scout master over. The Scout Leader grabs hold of the curtain which tears down and reveals Linka and Clare.]

Scout Master: *notices the girls* "Hey!"

[Cut to the camp gate]

Scout Master: *off-screen* "AND STAY OUT!" *kicks Linka and Clare out*

Linka and Clare: *land in a bush* "OOF!"

Scout Master: "Well, boys, only one badge to go. And this one's a mystery challenge." *holds up five envelopes* "You must choose an envelope and complete the task inside."

[All the boys get their envelopes.]

Leif: "We each got four badges, so we both have to get this last one."

Lexx: "I know, so please don't blow it."

Leif: "Me? You don't blow it."

Lexx: "I'm just saying, you'd better hope the challenge doesn't require you to act like a proper gent, or we're never gonna be Club Scouts together."

Leif: "Well, you'd better hope it doesn't require you to get your precious prince claws dirty, or we won't be Club Scouts together."

Lexx: *angry* "Maybe I don't want to be Club Scouts together!"

Leif: * also angry* "Maybe I don't either!"

Lexx: "FINE!"

Leif: "FINE!"

[The two then went separate ways to do their own challenges]

Lexx: "Your challenge is to host a fancy schmancy picnic! YES! Now, where'd I pack that sugar bowl?" *digs through his backpack*

[Meanwhile]

Leif: "Your challenge is to set up a cozy wozy campsite! YES! Now where'd I pack that bug spray?" *digs through her backpack*

Lexx: "I am totally in! I don't care if Leif makes it or not."

Leif: "Oh, I"m totally in! I don't care if Lexx makes it or not."

[Just then, to their surprise, they pull out the lucky charms from their packs they gave each other.]

[Later, the Scout Master is checking on Lexx’s picnic.]

Scout Master: "Oh! Well, this looks yummy yummy in my tummy!"

Lexx: "Cop a squat. Tea's getting cold." *drinks the whole kettle and burps* "And now, the entertainment!" *pulls the tablecloth and spills the dining ware and makes noises with his armpit*

[The Scout Master looks disappointed with Lexx’s performance and moves onto Leif.]

Scout Master: "Hey, buddy, where's your campsite?"

Leif: *holds out a business card for a motel* "Uh, right down the road. Super 9 Motor Inn. Ask for a clean ice bucket."

[The Scout Master looks puzzled.]

Scout Master: "Lexx, you failed the picnic challenge. And Leif, you failed the campsite challenge. So I'm afraid neither of you gets a patch."

Lexx and Leif: *shocked* "WHAT?!"

Leif: "You had a picnic? That’s like a tea party. How'd you mess that up?"

Lexx: "And you had a campsite? How could that go wrong?"

[The two of them pick up each other's lucky charms.]

Lexx and Leif: *at the same time* "I thought you might have the same challenge as me and you'd never be able to do it and I didn't wanna be a Club Scout without you! Really? Aw!" *hug each other*

Lexx: "Sorry for being so hard on you today."

Leif: "Me too. We're just good at different stuff."

Lexx: "Club Scouts or not Club Scouts, I don't care. As long as we're together."

[They hug again.]

Scout Master: *touched and in tears* "You two cutie patooties just earned your fifth patch after all..." *holds up a special patch* "...for your Faithful Buddy." *puts sashes on them* "Oh, congratulations. You are both Club Scouts. Now if you'll excuse me..." *Sobbing* "...I HAVE TO GO CALL MY BROTHER WOTHER!" *runs off to do that*

[The twins start celebrating.]

Lexx: "Woo-hoo!"

Leif: "We did it!"

Lexx: "Club Scouts!"

Leif: "We rock! Yes!"

[The twins are carrying boxes.]

Lexx: "If we sell both these boxes..."

Leif: "...we get the sixth Club Scout badge!"

[The girls leap out of the bushes and land with a thud.]

Linka: "You got the popcorn? How much are they?"

[She and Clare take out their money.]

Lexx: "What you have in your hands will do."

Linka and Clare: "Take our money!" *pays up and takes the boxes*

[Inside the boxes is not popcorn, but some kind of different treat.]

Linka: "Reduced sodium Kale Chips? Where’s the popcorn?"

Leif: "Oh, it's the new Club Scouts healthy eating initiative."

[The twins start walking away with their money.]

Lexx: "All sales are final."

Leif: "No refunds."

Linka and Clare: *crushed*"NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

[The sound echoes so loudly that it scares the birds away.]

Trivia

The original script was written by Karla Sakas Shropshirne. Please support the ofical release.