User blog comment:YoshiRocker13/Fanfiction - Guy Token/@comment-32807753-20190103041115

Yeah... sorry. I didn't like this one.

1. Lola's dialogue at the beginning (the whole cause of this conflict) felt forced and unnatural. The comics in underwear part I get, but the having fun without Lincoln part felt kind of out of nowhere, especially from Lola. I'd expect that forced observation to come from Lisa to be honest.

2. The reason for why Lincoln is running away is extremely dumb and kind of petty. So let me get this straight... Lincoln is leaving his own family not because they hurt him in any way, not because he feels useless to his family, but because his sisters didn't need his help in small problems... so it's the family's fault for not "appreciating" Lincoln's presence by coming to him for help... um... no. That doesn't work. Sorry. Granted he does apologize for running away, but the fact he still feels justified for his reason for running away is silly. Shouldn't Lincoln know that even if his family doesn't need help in some situations, they still love him anyway? I mean, the sisters don't come to each other for help, and they never feel neglected or unneeded. Not even Lucy, the one everyone calls the most sensitive of the sisters.

3. Chris and Josh are boring characters. They don't really have any personalities outside of liking comic books and they feel like the same character. They're change in morality in the climax also feels forced and unnatural. They just turn on Lincoln on a whim and they vanish for the rest of the story.

But I won't just leave this comment on a bad note. I want to be constructive. How would I fix this? Simple: One, have Lori be the star of this fanfic. Since Lori is the one who's insecure about her family not needing her help (as seen in Driving Miss Hazy), she would be more fitting. Plus, we see that her fear of being not needed can lead her to do some messed up things, so her running away doesn't feel too out of character. Then, you have her run into a character along the way, but instead of being two people who are secretly criminals, it is an wise man who dedicates his life to helping other people with nothing in return. He teaches Lori that even though her attempts to help don't always work out, that doesn't mean they don't need her help and that they love her. The rest of the fanfic plays out similarly. The family worries about Lori, Lori stumbles upon her family searching for her, they reunite and exchange apologies, and the fanfic ends.

Hope this comments helps.