User blog:Thomperfan/Fandom Pains (my version)

Special thanks to TheMaximumMatt for requesting this idea and for some story assistance. Enjoy!

(It starts during a dark and stormy night at the Loud House. Lucy and Edwin are getting ready to watch their favorite show.)

Spooky TV Announcer: You're watching Fright TV, up next, the season premiere of Vampires of Melancholia.

Lucy: This is it, Edwin. A whole new season of our favorite show, can't wait to watch it, just you and me.

(Just then I appear)

Me: Hi, Lucy!

(Lucy screams and falls off the couch.)

Lucy: Now, I really am starting to realize how my siblings feel. (to me) Nolan, what are you doing here?

Me: I came to watch Vampires of Mollycel-, No, uh, Mellycol, no, uh, that vampire show with you.

Lucy: It’s called Vampires of Melancholia, and why?

Me: Even I need a break from my trains sometimes, and plus the way you talk about it makes the show really interesting.

Lucy: OK, you can watch it with me.

Me: Cool!

(I sit down with Lucy. Just then Lori and Leni appear out of nowhere.)

Lori: Hey, Luce.

Leni: Scoot over.

(The two of us jump and yelp.)

Me: Oh, hey, Lori. Hey, Leni.

Lucy: What are you guys doing here? "The Dream Boat" is on Monday nights, remember?

Lori and Leni: Duh, we're here to watch VoM.

Me: VoM. Wow, that’s so much easier to remember. And also, cool! We’d love to have you join us!

Lucy: First, please don't call it that, second, you guys have never been interested in my show, why are you--?

[Before she can finish, Lori and Leni climb over her to look at the screen]

Lori and Leni: Ah! There he is!

Me: There who is?

[On screen, a taxi pulls up in front of the castle, and Blake Bradley comes out]

Blake/Tristan: Woah, this place looks sick.

Lori and Leni: [Giggling screams] Blake Bradley!

Lucy and I: Who?

Lori: [Picks Lucy up] Duh, literally the cutest actor ever.

Leni: [Picking me up] Didn't you know he was gonna be a new character on VoM?

Me: (getting myself down) No, I don’t think so.

Lucy: [Gets herself down] Sigh, it's called--

Blake/Tristan: Yo! Anybody home!

Lori: [Sighs] Why is he literally so dreamy?

[The show changes scenes from Tristan calling for someone, to Edwin coming out]

Leni: Yikes, who's that creepy guy?

Lucy: That's Edwin, the main character.

Me: Yeah, he’s (I hold up the Edwin bust) this guy.

Blake/Tristan: H-Hey, Uncle Eddie.

Edwin: Tristan, my great-great-great-great grand nephew, this is a surprise.

Blake/Tristan: Looking good, are you sure you're really three hundred?

Edwin: What brings you to Melancholia?

Blake/Tristan: Just thought I'd crash at casa creepy for a while.

Edwin: Well, I must confess, I'm not really custom to sharing my castle with mortals.

Blake/Tristan: No worries bro, I can hang with anyone, now bring it in. Bro hug.

[Hugs his great-great-great-great grand uncle, much to Edwin's discomfort]

Lori: [Sighs] So gorge.

Leni: You can just tell, he'd be a great boyfriend.

Me: (hearing Leni’s comment) Wait, what?!

Lucy: [From underneath Lori and Leni] What is happening?

Me: (to Lucy) I don’t know, but I don’t think I like it.

[Tristan and Edwin walk upstairs, Edwin stops to look at a picture of Griselda]

Edwin: Sigh.

Lori: Wait, who's she?

Lucy: Griselda, the other main character, she's on a quest to the underworld right now, if you guys had watched the show from the beginning you'd--

Leni: [Cutting Lucy off] Why are her teeth all pointy? Wait, his teeth are pointy too.

Lucy: [Jumps up in between her sisters] Because they're vampires.

[Slightly less than an hour later, the end credits are playing]

Spooky TV Announcer: Tune in next week, for more Vampires of Melancholia.

Lori: [Sighs] That was literally amazing.

Leni: Totes, this is definitely gonna be our new Friday night thing, Lori, me, you, Noey and VoM.

[Lori rubs Lucy's hair as she and Leni head upstairs.]

Lucy: It's "Vampires of Melancholia"! [Sighs, and picks up Edwin] Noalan, Edwin, we have to put a stop to this.

Me: We do?

Lucy: Yes, we do, and I know how.

[A week later, Lori is marking off the calendar]

Lori: How excited are you for tonight's episode?

[Goes to help Leni with the dishes. Meanwhile me, Lucy and Edwin are in the dining room, watching them.]

Me: I don’t know, Lucy. I’m still not so sure we should do this.

Leni: So excited, according to rumors on social media, Tristan's going to turn the dungeon into a gym. Tristan working out, can you even?

[They sigh dreamily]

Me: (grumbles) OK, let’s do this.

Lucy: Good. Let’s hope this works. [Places Edwin on the table, takes a deep breath, and goes over to Lori and Leni with me] Hey guys, now that we're all, um, 'VoM heads', you have to join us in all of the super fun pre-show rituals.

Lori: Rituals?

Lucy: Yeah, the stuff we fans do to get in to vampire mode, [dramatic pause]

Me: Yeah, you guys are going to love them. [Lucy and I dawn an evil grin. Later, the bathroom wall is covered with pictures of vampires]

Lucy: First, you have to look the part, with a full vampire makeover.

Leni: [Observes the photos] Eww, do we have to look so sickly?

Lucy: Well, it's a really important part of watching the show, but if you're not in to it and you'd just go back to watching "The Dream Boat".

Lori: Don't be ridiculous. Come on, Leni. It'll be good contouring practice, [picks up one of the photos] Look how much their cheekbones pop.

Leni: [Gasps] Good point.

[Lucy and I growl. Later, just as Leni, Lori and I are finishing up, Lori gets an idea]

Lori: Wait, [runs out of the bathroom, walks back in, scares Leni by wearing fangs, and laughs] Halloween leftovers!

[Leni laughs, and Lori shoves a pair into her mouth, and then gives me a pair fangs, then a pair of fangs appear in Lucy's mouth]

Leni: [Pointing at her teeth, and speaking in a Transylvanian accent] Look, I'm Tristan's weird old uncle.

[Lucy covers Edwin's eyes. Later, they're all in the living room]

Lucy: Next, you have to see the world from a vampire's perspective.

[Lori and Leni look at each other in confusion, later...]

Lori: Uh, this is giving me a migraine.

[The 4 of us are revealed to be hanging upside down like bats]

Leni: Yeah, and I'm getting a headache. [Lucy smiles, but it disappears when Leni gasps in excitement] Wait, is that my missing jelly sandal under the couch? [Falls down, landing on her head, and checks under the couch finding her sandal] Wahoo!

Lori: [Joining Leni] And my missing ring.

Leni: [Gasps, and reaches under the couch, finding two dolls that looked remarkably like her and Lori] And Lucy, I found your creepy dolls.

Lucy: [Nervously takes the dolls] Give me those!

Leni: We should def do this every week, we'll never lose anything again.

Lucy: [Face palms herself] Sigh.

Me: (to Lucy) Don’t worry, Luce. This one will definitely get to them for sure. (to Lori and Leni) OK, ladies. Now we each have to take a picture of, Tristan, (grabs said picture) and tear it to shreds like so. (I start ripping the picture apart and stomping the remains on the ground.) DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

Lucy: (stopping me) OK, Nolan, that’s enough!

Me: Sorry, I got carried away there.

Leni: Aw, do we have to?

Me: Oh, sure, if you don’t feel like you’re up to being a true VoM fan, than be my guest.

Lori: Don’t be ridiculous! We can do it. (to Leni) Don’t worry, Leni. There are lots of pictures of Tristan on the internet. Ripping one won’t be a problem.

Leni: Really? Yay!

Me: (to myself) Dang it!

(Lori and Leni calmy rip up their pictures as does Lucy.)

Lucy: (sarcastically) Yeah, Nolan, that really got to them.

Me: Hey, how was I supposed to know this guy was so popular on the internet?!

[Later that evening]

Lucy: Next, you have to watch the show as a vampire would, in one of these [gestures to an array of coffins on the floor, they all get in one]

Lori: [Holding her sore back] Uh, this provides zero lumbar support.

Leni: [Holding her own sore back] It's also really hard on your back.

Lori: I cannot spend a whole hour in this.

[Lucy and I dawn fangy smiles, but they soon disappears, when Leni gets an idea]

Leni: Wait, I know, [races off, and soon returns] decorative throw pillows, they'll add support, [throws the pillows to Lori and on Lucy] and a little zhuzh.

Lori: Ooh, and we can use the lid to make a fun TV tray.

[Me and Lucy’s jaws drops in disbelief]

Lucy: Wait, there's still one more ritual. [Runs off, and returns with a pitcher of homemade blood] This is an absolute must, toasting every new episode with a refreshing glass of homemade blood.

Leni: [Horrified, along with Lori] Eww! [Lucy pours Leni a glass] I don't know if I can handle this.

[Tries to prevent herself from barfing]

Lucy: I get that, it's not easy being a fan of this show, I'll understand if you guys wanna bail.

Lori: Wait, [runs off, turns on the blender, and returns with new drinks] beet smoothies, they look just like blood, but now they're delicious and full of antioxidants. Yay.

Leni: Cheers.

Me: (un-interested) Cheers.

Lucy: Sigh.

[We all toast our cups]

Lori: Ooh, ooh, it's starting.

[Kills the lights. The episode begins with Edwin writing a letter to Griselda]

Edwin: My darling Griselda, how I wish you were here to help me endure this visit from my boorish nephew, he actually asked me if I was a I was a boxers or briefs man.

[Hears crashing sounds coming from the dungeon, goes to check and is shocked that Tristan turned it into a gym]

Tristan: [Playing corn hole] Oh yeah! Yo, Uncle Eddie, wanna play some corn hole.

Edwin: What happened to my castle?!

Tristan: I redecorated it, bro. Put some boom in your gloom, and look, I got you a lid so we can match in the thatch, now how about a selfie with your favorite nephew.

Edwin: I told you, I don't show up in these.

[Tristan takes the selfie, and looks at it, realizing that]

Tristan: Oh right, my bad.

[The episode ends, Lori and Leni dreamily sighing, Lucy and I growling in annoyance]

Lori: [rubbing Lucy's hair as she and Leni head upstairs] Good times, you two. Can't wait for next week.

Lucy: [To Edwin, groans] As long as that fool Tristan is on the show, Lori and Leni are gonna keep ruining it for me.

Me: And Leni’s gonna leave me for some good looking jock guy! We have to do something Lucy: [Thinks of something] I think I have an idea. What if Tristan weren't on the show?

[Lucy and I evilly laugh]

[The next day Lucy is holding a Morticians Club meeting]

Lucy: This emergency meeting of The Young Morticians Club is now called to order. First, I’d like to introduce a new temporary member. This is Noah, a friend of mine.

(I come in)

Me: Hi, everyone. Hi, Haiku.

(Haiku waves.)

Lucy: Now, I have a favor to ask, you guys watch Vampires of Melancholia right?

[The other club members exchange glances]

Haiku: Eh, Not since Tristan's been on it.

[The other members stutter in agreement, Lucy and I are pleased with this]

Me: Well, how would you like to help us get rid of him? [Later, Me, Lucy and the Morticians Club are going door to door with petitions, Lucy knocks on one person's door]

Lucy: Hi, I'm collecting signatures to remove Blake Bradley from Vampires of Melancholia. Would you sign? [Later, she, me and the other club members meet up to compare progress] Okay, pretty good guys, we got forty-five and fifteen pieces of candy from people who thought we were trick-or-treaters.

[Lucy and Haiku smile at each other]

Lucy and Haiku: Goth perks.

[Back at the school]

Lucy: Okay, did everyone finish their protest letters to the studio?

Haiku: Mines a poem. Should we take these to the post office?

Lucy: No, that'll take too long, I have a better idea. [The Morticians Club strap their letters to a swarm of bats] You know what to do Fangs, [petting her bat] and no biting.

[Haiku opens the window, and the bats fly]

[That Friday night, Lucy, Edwin and I are getting ready]

Lucy: This is it, you guys. Time to see if our protests were heard.

Lori and Leni: [Prancing into the living room with their beet smoothies, their vampire faces, and wearing pink t-shirts] Who's ready for some VoM?

Lori: Check out the shirts we made, 'TEAM TRISTAN'.

Leni: Don't worry, we made team Edwin shirts for you guys.

[Leni places a black t-shirt on Edwin and gives one to me, and Lori hands the other one to Lucy]

Me: Thanks, guys.

Lucy: Oh, uh, thanks. [Takes the shirt, on the show, Edwin and Tristan are eating dinner]

Tristan: Great grub, Uncle Eddie, but you got any garlic for these fries?

Edwin: Garlic?! Are you serious?

Tristan: Guess that's a neg. Hey, how 'bout we burn off these carbs with a port meal workout?

Edwin: What?! [Suddenly thinks of something] Or instead of a workout, eh, how about we walk along the misty, slippery, cliffs of Melancholia?

Leni: Mmm, cardio, this should be fun.

Lucy: Yes, it should.

Me: Yeah.

[We both have evil grins]

Tristan: Dude, this mist is like a built in airbrush filter.

Edwin: [Pretending to care] Careful, Tristan. The cliffs.

Tristan: [Walking backwards with his camera phone] It's cool Uncle Eddie, just gotta take this self- [falls off the cliff]iiiiieeeeeeee......!

[Edwin smiles as Tristan falls to his demise]

Lori and Leni: [Shocked and upset] What?! TRISTAN! NO!

[The two hold each other, teary eyed]

Lucy: [Pretending to be upset] Oh no, not Tristan, the horror.

Me: (also pretending to be upset) Aw man, now he’s dead.

Leni: [Still sobbing, along with Lori] He was so young, and so cute!

Lori: How could VoM do this?! Sorry Lucy, I literally can't even deal right now!

[She and Leni run upstairs, crying. I look concerned, while Lucy looks happy.]

Lucy We did it guys, our voices were heard, should we celebrate with some early halloween candy? [Pulls out three fun-sized candies]

Me: But, Lucy, we made Lori and Leni sad.

Lucy: Well, it was either that or Leni would fall for Tristan and not you.

Me: Um, I don’t know, Luce. You know what? I don’t really feel like watching TV right now. I’m going home. (I start to leave) But, I will take that candy. (I grab my piece and head home.)

Lucy: Uh, ok.

[A week later, Lucy marks off the calendar]

Spooky TV Announcer: And now, an all new episode of Vampires of Melancholia.

Lucy: [Happily sighs] Blissful solitude at last. Wait, where’s Noah? Oh well, he’ll just have to see it on his own time.

[Lets out another happy sigh as the episode starts. Edwin is eating dinner]

Edwin: Why does something feel amiss? No more selfies, or protein shakes, or dreaded bro hugs, and yet I feel a twinge of remorse. [Lucy looks at her bust of Edwin with disbelief] Yes, Tristan could be a bit of a fool, and his home gym did ruin my marble floors, but he meant well, after all, he just wanted to spend time with, family, [puts on the hat Tristan gave him] and I drove him to his demise.

Lucy: Gasp. [looks at the shirt Lori and Leni made for her] And I am a cold, selfish, sister.

[Edwin runs to the cliffs where Tristan fell]

Edwin: Tristan! I'm sorry! Forgive me, Tristan!

[Edwin cries over what he did, followed by Lucy, who wipes the tears off her face.]

Lucy: Oh, Edwin. I know it's too late to get Tristan back, but maybe it's not too late for my sisters. [Pauses the show and goes to Lori and Leni's bedroom] Lori? Leni? [Sees that they're not there] I guess it is too late, I blew it. [Walks over to the stairs] Sigh. [Walks down the stairs, and sees the door being unlocked, Lori and Leni walk in with paper grocery bags]

Lori: [To Leni] So, Lisa wanted my used tissues and-

Lucy: Gasp. Lori, Leni, will you please watch Vampires of Melancholia with me? I know you probably don't want to now that Tristan's gone, the truth is, I just wanna hang out with you guys.

Lori: Of course we'll watch, Tristan may have been the reason we got into the show, but the reason we stayed is because its been so much fun, sharing it with you.

Leni: Yeah, in fact, we were just at the store getting vampire themed snacks for tonight. [Reaches into her bag] I got garlic bread, is that right?

Lucy: Well, actually... [thinks about it] Never mind, it's perfect. Come on.

Leni: Wait, where’s Noey? It won’t be the same without him.

(Just then I come in wearing a pink T-shirt, and a comb over wig)

Me: Sup, everyone! Hey, Leni!

Leni: Noey? What are you... doing?

Me: What's up, Leni? You wanna go running or take selfies, or, whatever Tristan does on the show?

(Leni starts laughing, which makes me feel down.)

Me: (Sad) Oh, what's the use? I've lost my girlfriend to a vampire's nephew! (I start to tear up)

Leni: Nolan! What's wrong? Why are you crying? Are you not having fun?

Me: No, it's not fun, when your girlfriend leaves you for someone else!

Leni: That's awful! Whoever would do such a-?

Lori: Leni! I think he's talking about you...

Leni: [gasps] N- Nolan? Are you talking about me? Is that true?

Me: Well... It's just... Ever since you've been watching VoM, you've always been going on about how great Tristan is, you even said he'd make a good boyfriend. (tearing up more) S-so, I thought, maybe you liked him more than me.

Leni: Aww. Noey... I didn't really mean that! I was just saying how if he had a girlfriend he'd be a good boyfriend to her. You know?

Lucy: (confused) Th- That doesn't make any sense at all...

Leni: (sighs) Sometimes I say things that come out wrong.

Lori: (pinches nose) Oh, Leni...

Leni: I- [looks back at me with guilt and sympathy] Nolan, I'm sorry about making you feel sad. You could've just told me you felt this way. Look, Tristan might be cute and all, but I know someone who's infinite times cuter than him, and makes for an even better boyfriend.

Me: (sadly) Yeah? Who? Tristan's long lost twin or something?

Leni: (laughs) No! Silly! You!

Me: W- What?

Leni: There's nothing to be jealous about. Tristan's only a character on a show, but you, you're my real boyfriend, and I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend than you, Noey. I'll always love you more than anything else in the world!

Me: Really?

Leni: Really. Now come here!

(Leni opens up her arms and I hug her instantly. Leni gives me a gentle kiss in the forehead, and then starts kissing me all over.)

Leni: Now, come on, sweetie, let’s get ready to watch VoM.

Me: OK.

LATER

(We’re all sitting by the TV watching VoM together, while Edwin eats his dinner, suddenly there is a knock at his door)

Edwin: Who could that be? A wandering traveler? A door to door salesman?

[Opens the door to find, a very pale, Tristan. Me, Lori, Leni, and Lucy's jaws drop in surprise]

Tristan: What's up, Uncle Eddie?

[Tristan hugs his very confused uncle]

Edwin: Tristan? You're back, but how? [Griselda walks in the door] Griselda? You're back too?

Griselda: We crossed paths in the underworld, bringing him back with me was a snap, well, more of a bite.

[They both show their fangs, revealing that Tristan is now a vampire, too]

Lori: [In union with Leni] Yay! Tristan!

Leni: [In union with Lori] Yes! Ah!

Lucy: [To Edwin and I] Huh, guess our protest didn't affect the show after all. I'm glad.

Me: Yeah, me too.

Leni: Am I crazy? Or is Tristan even cuter as a vampire?

Lucy: Well, the fangs do help.

Me: Yeah, not gonna lie, he is pretty good looking.

(Lori, Leni, and Lucy turn to me in surprised.)

Me: What?

Leni: Noah, you never told us you were gay!

Me: W-What?! N-N-No, I’m not gay! I was just making a compliment, y-you know-

(Lori, Leni and Lucy start laughing)

Lori: Oh, lighten up, you dork muffin. We were just joking.

Me: Ooooooooooooh. (laughing) You guys!

(The 4 of us hug it out as the episode irises out.)

THE END