User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: No Rest for the Lonely (collab w/ MrTyeDye)

This next fan episode takes a lot of inspiration from the work of my brother, MrTyeDye. So much so, in fact, that I thought he should have a hand in writing it. I did hear a few scattered voices clamoring for us to collab, so here we are (although next time, I'm thinking he should take the lead). Anyway, enough waffle. Here is:

No Rest for the Lonely
Plot Summery: While Luna is off touring with Chunk, Luan must contend with one of her greatest fears: Nighttime loneliness.

Script
''[We open in the driveway of the Loud House, where Chunk’s van is parked. The whole Loud family is there, with Luna carrying two large duffel bags and handing them to Chunk. She also has her backpack and guitar slung over her shoulder.]''

Rita: Did you remember to pack your toothbrush, sweetie?

Luna: [rolls her eyes] Yes, Mom.

Leni: Extra outfits?

Luna: Yes.

Lori: And you know you can call us anytime if you need anything.

Luna: [raises her arms] Yes, yes. I’m all set. Everything’s good on the Luna front, dudes. Ease up a skoch. This ain’t exactly my first gig, y’know.

Rita: [smiles] We know, sweetie. We’re just looking out for you.

Luna: [smiles back] Yeah, I hear ya. [she turns to Chunk] Thanks again for inviting me to join your tour, Chunksky.

Chunk: Don’t mention it, luv. We’re honored to have you aboard. Besides, I think it’s high time you got a taste of what this life’s really like, eh?

Lynn Sr.: [sheepishly] Are you sure you’ll be okay on your own, honey? We can tag along, if you want.

Luna: [smirks] I’ll be fine, Pop-star. We’re only gonna be gone a couple of weeks.

Chunk: [clasps his hand on Luna’s shoulder] Don’t you worry, Mr. L.  I’ll make sure to look after Luna here. She’ll be right as rain, swear on me mum. Besides, I don’t think it’ll get that rowdy. Me band ain’t exactly a big sensation like Mick Swagger or anything.

Luna: No need to be so modest, Chunk. True, not a lot of people know you, but that’s ‘cause they haven’t heard you yet. I’ve got a feeling that by the time we get to Woodstock, we’ll be half a million strong.

Chunk: [laughs] Thanks for the vote of confidence, luv.

[Luna chuckles as well before turning to her family.]

Luna: Well, I guess this is it. Catch you on the flip side, guys.

Lynn Sr.: You’re going to be great, honey. Go rock their sock off.

''[The Louds each say their farewells while they each give Luna a hug in turn. The last in line is Luan. Though she’s wearing a big smile, she seems apprehensive as she fidgets and stares at the ground. Luna’s expression softens.]''

Luna: Heh, bet you’re looking forward to a few quiet nights without me, aren’t you?

Luan: [scoffs] Quiet? In our house? C’mon, Luna. We’re not called the Louds for nothing.

Luna: [laughs] Touché, little sis. [she then gives Luan a stern look] Seriously, though. I don’t wanna come home and realize my bunk has been booby-trapped, got it?

Luan: [aghast] Luna! I’m surprised you’d even think that! Who do you take me for?

Luna: [deadpan] The biggest prankster in Royal Woods?

[Beat]

Luan: Okay, that’s fair. That’s… more than fair, actually. [she then gives Luna a hug] I’m gonna miss you, Luna.

Luna: [returns the embrace] I know. Like I said, I’ll only be gone a couple of weeks. I’ll be back before you know it.

[The two hold each other for a while before Luan releases her.]

Luan: Well, I don’t wanna keep you. You guys better get your little rock tour on a roll. [laughs] Get it?

Luna: [scoffs and rolls her eyes] You just had to end on a pun, didn’t ya? [she gets into Chunk’s van and raises her signature devil horn salute] See you around, dudes! Peace out!

''[Chunk and Luna drive off while the rest of the Loud family waves goodbye. They all venture back inside, with Luan lingering behind to watch Chunk’s van disappear over the horizon.]''

***

''[We fast forward to several hours later. It's now the evening, and the siblings are gathered in Lori's room for a late sibling meeting. Lynn currently has the floor, and she’s standing next to a chalkboard covered with indecipherable scribblings.]''

Lynn: ...and that concludes part three of my seven-part dissertation on the benefits of building a half-pipe in the backyard. Now, on to—

Lori: Lynn, I hate to cut you off, but you said you would be done by 8:30 and it's almost 10. Speaking of which… bedtime, guys.

Everyone Else: Awwww!

Lynn: [scoffs] Fine. Run away from my winning argument. But this isn’t over!

''[Reluctantly, the Loud siblings shuffle off to their own rooms. As Luan enters her room, she looks up into Luna’s empty bunk. She heaves a sigh as she picks up Mr. Coconuts and slips into bed.]''

Luan: It's just… I don't even know why I care, Mr. Coconuts. It's just a few nights sleeping alone! What's the big deal?

[Beat]

Luan: Lincoln has to sleep like this every single night, and does he complain? No! So neither should I.

''[Luan spends an extended amount of time trying to get herself settled in, but can't quite bring herself to close her eyes. She tries sleeping on her side, sleeping on her stomach, and even climbing up into Luna’s bunk. Nothing works.]''

Luan: I… I don't know how he does it. I guess I've just gotten too used to the sound of Luna's breathing.

You know, that kind of soothing sound that reassures you that you're not alone… in a dark, dark room… with no one to protect you… and no one to care for you… and…

[Luan slaps herself.]

Luan: Ugh, get a grip! You're fourteen! You're too old to be acting this way!

[Beat]

Luan: It's just mind over matter, Lu-Lu. Repeat after me: I'm not scared, and I'm not lonely.

I'm not scared, and I'm not lonely.

I'm not scared, and I'm not lonely.

[Luan's bottom lip trembles, and her voice starts to waver.]

I-I'm not scared, and I-I'm not lonely.

I-I'm n-not scared, and I-I'm n-n-not lonely.

I… I… 

[Luan, looking ready to cry, grabs a pillow and buries her face in it.]

Luan: [Muffled] I am scared.

I am lonely.

''[Luan pushes herself out of bed and stumbles out of the room, shivering and clutching her pillow and a sleeping bag close to her chest. She walks up to Lynn and Lucy's door, swallows hard, and sneaks in.]''

***

''[We cut to the next morning. Luan lets out a yawn and smacks her lips. Once she gets her bearings, the first thing she sees is Lucy hovering over her. She shrieks and jumps, accidentally tossing her pillow into the air, which clocks Lynn in the face.]''

Lucy: What are you doing in here, Luan?

''[Luan gulps as she pictures what would happen if she told the truth. She envisions all of her siblings (minus Luna) laughing mockingly at her while she shrinks down to the size of an infant. The thought bubble pops as she shakes her head vigorously.]''

Luan: Geez. S-sorry about that, Lucy. I-I don’t know what happened.

Lucy: [perplexed] You… don’t know?

Luan: Y-yeah. I mean, one minute I was in my own bed; the next I’m in your room. [chuckles nervously] Pretty crazy, huh?

Lynn: [skeptical] Try “impossible.”  There’s no way you just accidentally wandered into our room in the middle of the night. [she holds out Luan’s pillow] I mean, you dragged your pillow and sleeping bag in here. How do you explain that?

Luan: Well, I, uh…

''[Luan looks between Lynn and Lucy, who stare at her expectantly. Once again, the thought of her siblings mocking her plagues her mind.]''

Luan: W-well, maybe I was sleepwalking. Ever think of that?

[Beat]

Lynn: [raising an eyebrow] Sleepwalking.

Luan: Y-yeah, sleepwalking. Why is that so hard to believe?

Lucy: Luan, you’ve never had a problem with sleepwalking before. Luna would’ve mentioned it if you did.

Luan: [shrugs] Well, I do now, I guess. Then again, no one really knows that they have a sleepwalking problem until someone else brings it up. I mean, how could they? They’re asleep. Th-that’s how it works, right?

[Beat]

Lynn: [rubbing her temples] Okay, this is too much thinking for this early in the morning. I’m gonna ask Mom and Dad about this later. Just… try not to let it happen again.

Luan: Y-yeah, sure. [she smiles weakly] Hey, good thing I’m not a bluejay, or I’d be in trouble for jaywalking. [laughs] Get it?

[Lynn and Lucy groan.]

Lucy: For the record, it’s too early in the morning for that, too. Now please, go back to your own room.

Luan: I’m going, I’m going! Sheesh. [she rolls up her sleeping bag and pauses] Hey, uh, Lynn? Can I have my pillow back, please?

[Lynn throws the pillow into Luan’s face.]

Lynn: [dusting off her hands] Now we’re even.

Luan: [deadpan] Thanks.

''[Luan slinks out of Lynn and Lucy’s room. As she makes her way back, the bathroom door opens. Lori comes out of the shower in her bathrobe. She gives Luan a peculiar look.]''

Lori: Luan? Why are you carrying your pillow and sleeping bag out here?

Luan: [shrugs] Rough night, I guess. Apparently, I’m a sleepwalker now.

Lori: [concerned] Wait, seriously?

Luan: [nervously] Y-yeah, I don’t know how it happened, either. One minute, I was in my own bed, and the next thing I know, Lucy’s standing over me watching me sleep.

Lori: [rolls her eyes] Luan, Lucy watches everyone sleep. That has nothing to do with sleepwalking.

Luan: I was in her room at the time.

[Beat]

Lori: Oh. Huh. [she furrows her brow and strokes her chin] Well, assuming that you’re being straight with me about this, maybe you should tell Mom and Dad.

''[Luan wonders what would happen if she told her parents the truth. She envisions them giving her a night light while her siblings (minus Luna) mock her. The thought bubble pops as she shakes her head.]''

Luan: I-I don’t think that’s necessary. Maybe it’s just a one-time thing. I promise, it won’t happen again.

Lori: [raises an eyebrow] Luan, do you even know how sleepwalking works?

Luan: [shrugs sheepishly] Not really? I mean, I assume if I wanted to learn about it, I could take a night class. [laughs] Get it?

Lori: [sighs] Luan, please. If you really have a problem, you need to take it seriously. Don’t just joke about it and pretend that everything’s okay.

[Lori heads into her own room while Luan sulks.]

Luan: [grumbling to herself] Everything is okay, though. I just got weak one time, that’s all. It won’t happen again. I’m fourteen years old. I think I can handle this.

[We immediately cut to Luan in her bed at night, hugging herself and rocking back and forth.]

Luan: I don’t think I can handle this…

''[She sighs, grabs her sleeping bag and stumbles out of her room. This time, she starts walking towards Lori and Leni's room.]''



''[The next morning, Luan wakes up early and tries to tiptoe out of Lori and Leni's room undetected. In her haste, though, she fails to notice that Lori's bed is unoccupied. When she gets out the door, she finds Lori waiting for her outside with her arms crossed.]''

Lori: Hello, Luan.

Luan: O...oh! Hi, Lori. Good morning.

Lori: Care explaining why I just saw you coming out of my room?

Luan: Sleepwalking. I was sleepwalking.

Lori: Mm-hmm. I thought you said it was a "one-time thing".

Luan: No, I said maybe it's a one-time thing. Turns out it's not.

Lori: [Narrows eyes] If that's the case, then I suggest you start seeing a doctor. You've never had this "problem" before, and it's a little odd for it to develop out of nowhere.

Luan: Eh, whatever. I'll go later this week. Now it's time for brunch.

Lori: Brunch? It's eight in the morning.

Luan: Yeah, but I… I want brunch. [Yawns and starts to walk downstairs]

***

''[Luan staggers into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She takes a mug from the cupboard and sets it on the counter. As she reaches for the coffee pot, Lynn Sr. walks in.]''

Lynn Sr.: [cheerfully] Good morning, honey. You’re up early.

Luan: [half-asleep] Huh wha? O-oh. ‘Morning, Dad. Yeah, I-I guess I was just hungry.

Lynn Sr.: Well, that’s good to hear. I thought I’d surprise you guys with pancakes today.

Luan: Yay~. ''[she reaches for the coffee pot again. Lynn Sr. places a hand on her shoulder]''

Lynn Sr.: Whoa, hold up there, Luan. Coffee’s not quite ready yet.

Luan: Oh. ‘Kay. [she sits down at the kitchen table, stifling a yawn]

Lynn Sr.: [raising an eyebrow] You don’t look so good, honey.

Luan: [grumbling] M’fine.

Lynn Sr.: Lynn told me about what happened yesterday. When did you start sleepwalking?

''[Luan looks off to the side and squirms a bit in her seat. She then smiles.]''

Luan: H-hey, Dad. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Lynn Sr.: [sternly] Don’t change the subject on me, young lady. I’m really worried about—

Luan: [interrupting Lynn Sr.] El-eph-i-no! [laughs] Get it?

''[Lynn Sr. gives Luan a bemused look. After a beat, Luan clears her throat.]''

Luan: El-eph-i-no!

[Beat]

Luan: C’mon, Dad! This one’s a classic! What, do I have to spell it out for you?! El-eph-i-no!

Lynn Sr.: I get the joke, Luan. That’s not important right now.

Luan: [groans] Look, Dad. I-I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I already told Lori that I’d see a doctor later this week.

[Beat]

Lynn Sr.: [concerned] Well, alright. But I’m holding you to that, young lady. If you don’t make that appointment, I’ll have to make it for you, understood?

Luan: [sighs] Yes, Dad.

[Lynn Sr. lets out a sigh of his own and pats Luan on the shoulder.]

Lynn Sr.: Honey, you know we care about you, right? Whatever this is, we’ll figure it out together. We always have.

Luan: [nods] I know.

''[Lynn Sr. nods in return and gets to work on breakfast. Luan heaves another sigh.]''

***

''[The next scene begins in the early evening, when most of the house is getting ready for bed. Luan is seated on her bed in her PJs, talking to Mr. Coconuts.]''

Luan: I don't know how much longer I can get away with this, Mr. Coconuts. I mean… [yawns] Lori and Lynn are onto me. And if they send me to the doctor, he'll end up calling my bluff.

[Beat]

Luan: [Groans] Or she'll end up calling my bluff. Sheesh, when did you start getting all PC?

[Beat]

Luan: I guess I still have the twins, though. I mean, they're little. They'll buy anything. And by the time they start catching on, Luna will be back, and we can all put this behind us. Right?

[Beat]

Luan: What do you mean, "I'm just sweeping my problems under the rug instead of trying to confront them head-on"?

[Beat]

Luan: Fine, whatever. Be that way. This is what I get for trying to talk to a dummy, I guess.

[Beat]

Luan: No, your mom is fat!

''[Luan sighs, picks herself up off the bed and leaves the room, walking towards the bathroom. Once inside, she hides there for a few hours until she's confident that the coast is clear. Once she is, she creeps out and starts towards Lola and Lana's room, only to be blindsided by Leni coming up the stairs.]''

Leni: Oh, hey, Luan!

[Luan hastily shuts her eyes and gets into her sleepwalking pose, pretending not to notice Leni.]

Leni: [whispering] Oops. Didn't know you were sleeping. Sorry 'bout that.

[Beat]

Leni: Wait a minute. How can you sleep like that? You must be, like, super uncomfortable. Hang on.

''[Leni goes into her room and nudges Lori awake. Lori grumbles as she’s roused from her slumber.]''

Lori: Ugh, Leni. Wh-what is it?

Leni: Lori, can you sleep comfortably standing up?

[Beat]

Lori: You literally woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me that?

Leni: W-well, Luan’s doing it right now, and I thought that would be, like, totally bad for her back or something.

[Lori suddenly perks up.]

Lori: Wait, Luan?

Leni: Yeah. She’s out in the hallway right now.

''[Leni drags Lori out of bed just as Luan reaches the door to the twins’ room. Seeing her elder sisters coming, Luan snaps back into her sleepwalking pose and starts wandering around aimlessly.]''

Leni: See?

Lori: Whoa. Maybe Luan really is sleepwalking. [she furrows her brow] I mean, it’s still weird that this came out of nowhere, but…

Leni: Wait, sleepwalking? [gasps] Oh no! Sh-she could hurt herself! W-we need to wake her up!

Lori: Hold on, Leni. I heard that you’re not supposed to wake up a sleepwalker.

[Luan’s expression perks up a little as the gears in her mind start turning.]

Leni: Then, what are you supposed to do?

Lori: I-I don’t know. I think you’re just supposed to lead them back to bed and stay with them for the rest of the night. Y’know, to make sure they don’t get into trouble.

Leni: Oh. Okay.

[Beat]

Lori: What?

Leni: Aren’t you going to lead her back to bed?

Lori: [groans] Leni, it’s the middle of the night, I’m tired, and I promised to meet Whitney at the mall tomorrow morning. You do it.

Leni: [pouts] What, you think I’m not tired? I need my beauty sleep, too.

Lori: Alright, alright. How about this? We’ll flip a coin.

Leni: Hmm. Yeah, that’s fair.

[Lori stumbles back into her room and takes a coin out of her purse.]

Lori: Right. Heads, I win; tails, you lose.

Leni: Got it.

[Lori flips the coin.]

Lori: Tails. You lose.

Leni: [sighs] Dang it. I can never win that game. [she walks over to Luan] Okay, Lu-Lu. Let’s get you back to bed.

''[While Lori goes back into her room, Leni leads Luan back into her own bed. She then sits down in the beanbag chair, making herself comfortable. Unbeknownst to her, Luan smiles.]''

Luan: [thinking] Wow! That worked out better than I thought! Now all I have to do is keep this up until Luna gets back, and I’ll be alright! That shouldn’t be too hard.

***

''[We cut to the following day, and we see Luan in her improv class, looking like she's struggling to stay awake. Benny, who's standing next to her, looks upon her with some concern.]''

Benny: You okay, Luan? You look like you haven't gotten any sleep in days.

Luan: I… I'm fine. I just… I didn't have my coffee this morning.

Benny: Well, then—

Luan: Why don't they serve coffee in our classes? They should serve coffee in class. Nothing like a hot cup of joe. A hot cup of java. A hot cup of mud.

[Beat]

Benny: Luan, I'm starting to—

Luan: A hot cup of hand-picked, hand-ground, hand-served Colombian bean juice!

[At this point, everyone in the class is staring at Luan.]

Luan: What? I'm just sayin' I could go for some coffee.

Benny: Um… yeah, I feel you on that, Luan! Good thing I have a cup of it right here! [pantomimes holding a mug and pouring some coffee]

Luan: Eh, don't try to cheat me, Benny. I know that's just air.

Instructor: Ah, ah, ah, Luan. Need I remind you that in improv, the answer is always "yes"?

Luan: Oh, right. Sorry.

''[Luan pantomimes taking the mug from Benny and taking a long swig from it. Afterwards, she stands there holding the "mug" motionlessly for about five seconds.]''

Luan: This is decaf.

***

''[We cut to that night in Lynn and Lucy’s room. Lucy sits atop her bed in her signature corpse position, snoozing peacefully. She moves in her sleep, only to find herself face-to-face with Luan, who is at her bedside. Luan lets out a drowsy giggle, causing Lucy to jump.]''

Lucy: L-Luan? Wh-what’re you doing in—?

Luan: H-hey. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

[Beat]

Lucy: Um, Lu—?

Luan: [interrupting Lucy] Where’s my tractor? [laughs] Get it?

[Lucy just stares at Luan blankly.]

Lucy: Are you… are you even awake right now?

''[Luan doesn’t respond. She instead goes into her sleepwalking pose and starts wandering around the room.]''

Lucy: I… guess that answers that question. Sigh.

''[Before Lucy can make a move, Luan walks over to Lynn’s bed and starts cuddling her. Lynn’s eyes snap open.]''

Lynn: H-hey! What the heck?! What’s going—? [she notices Luan and groans] Ugh, Luan~! I thought I told you not to let this happen again!

Lucy: I don’t think she can hear you, Lynn. She’s sleepwalking again.

Luan: [stroking Lynn’s ponytail] Hey, ever notice that we both have ponytails? Like, what’s up with that, amiright? [laughs]

[Lynn squirms a bit, clearly uncomfortable.]

Lynn: Okay, there’s a time and a place for all the touchy-feely stuff, and this ain’t it. [she rolls up her sleeve] Now get back to your own room before I sock you there.

Lucy: Lynn, wait. You’re not supposed to wake up a sleepwalker.

Lynn: [hissing through gritted teeth] Then what the heck am I supposed to do?! I can’t sleep like this!

Luan: [squeezing Lynn’s bicep] Mmm. That’s a lot of muscle. I wonder if you could lift me up.

[Lynn perks up for a beat before she gives Luan a forced grin.]

Lynn: I don’t know, Luan. Let’s find out!

''[We cut away to the hallway. The door to Lynn and Lucy’s room swings open, with Lynn hoisting Luan over her head. Luan pretends to snore as Lynn stomps over to her room. She then drops Luan into her own bed.]''

Lynn: And stay there. [she starts leaving, grumbling to herself] Unbelievable. What, does sleepwalking also turn you into a complete weir—? Dah~!

[Lynn jumps as she almost runs smack dab into Lucy, who has seemingly appeared out of nowhere.]

Lucy: [pointing to Luan] You’re not going to leave her like that, are you?

[Lynn looks over at Luan and shrugs.]

Lynn: I mean, I’m sure she’ll be fine.

Lucy: Are you, though? If she starts sleepwalking again, she could hurt herself.

Lynn: [sighs] Can’t you watch her, then? You’re more of a night owl than I am, anyway.

Lucy: Sigh. Fine. You’re lucky I like watching people sleep.

''[Lucy ventures into Luna and Luan’s room and makes herself comfortable in the beanbag chair. Lynn rolls her eyes.]''

Lynn: Just try not to suck her blood or anything.

Lucy: [dryly] Ha ha.

[Lynn lets out a grunt and shuffles back to her own room.]

***

''[We cut to the next day in the kitchen. Luan enters the scene, looking even worse than before. She has several bags under her bloodshot eyes, which she can barely seem to keep open. Lola walks by, humming to herself as she carries a baking pan with an unbaked cake inside.]''

Lola: Now all I have to do is put you in the oven, and that Pastry Chef patch is as good as mine. [she notices Luan] Oh, hey, Luan.

Luan: [groggily] H-hey, Lola. [yawns] Mmm. Sure smells good in here.

Lola: And it’s gonna smell even better once this little beauty is ready. [she places the pan into the oven] Hey, Luan? Could you do me an itsy-bitsy favor?

Luan: Y-yeah, sure. Anything.

Lola: Mind watching my cake for me? I gotta go tinkle.

Luan: No problem, Lols. You can c-count on— [yawns]

Lola: [raising an eyebrow] Um, are you okay?

Luan: O-oh, yeah! Totally, totally, totally. H-hey, why did the chicken cross the road?

Lola: [rolls her eyes] To get to the other side? To run away from the cook? To prove he’s no chicken?

Luan: [shrugs] How should I know? I’m a duck! [laughs] Man, I quack myself up.

Lola: Uh-huh. [sighs] Just watch my cake, will you?

Luan: [salutes] Roger walnut, Lola.

[Beat]

Lola: Okay, you’re weird.

''[Lola makes her way upstairs while Luan crouches down by the oven. She stares intently at the cake as it bakes. Soon, she finds it difficult to keep her eyes open. Her eyelids flutter a couple of times and she tries her best to watch the cake. She suddenly jerks upward as the smoke alarm begins blaring in her ear.]''

Luan: Pork chop sandwiches!

''[She soon realizes that the cake has been set ablaze. Lola screams in horror.]''

Lola: My cake~!

''[She brandishes a fire extinguisher and douses the flame. Once the smoke has cleared, she lets out a small whimper and lays a white cloth over the burnt cake.]''

Lola: [brushing a tear from her eye] Farewell, my tasty friend. You never stood a chance.

Luan: Ugh, sheesh. Whoops. Sorry, Lola.

[Lola turns around and gives Luan an angry look.]

Lola: What the heck, Luan?! You had one job!

Luan: [shrugs sheepishly] Yeah, well. Guess I’m fired. [laughs] Get it?

''[Lola deadpans. After a beat, she sprays Luan with the fire extinguisher, sending her flying into the wall.]''

Luan: Okay, I-I deserved that. [she starts snoring]

***

''[Later that night, Luan lumbers drowsily into the twins' room. She walks up to Lola's canopy bed and shimmies her way under the covers. Once she's under, she starts to snuggle Lola from behind.]''

Lola: [Whispering] Wha— Luan? What are you doing here?!

Luan: I… I just wanted to say I'm sorry about your pie.

Lola: It was a cake.

Luan: That too.

Lola: That only.

Luan: Lola, I'm sorry. Really, I am. I… I wanna make it up to you. I'm gonna buy you a big ol' ice cream cone. With sprinkles and chocolate syrup and little bits of cookie dough.

[Beat]

Lola:  ...sure, that sounds nice.

Luan: And you'll gobble it up like a little princess, 'cause you deserve it. Lola Loud, prettiest girl in the whole wide world.

Lola: Uh… thanks? Luan, I—

[Luan starts pinching Lola's cheeks.]

Luan: How'd you get so cute? Huh? How'd you get so cute?

Lola: O-ow! That hurts!

Luan: Sorry, sorry. It's just… gosh, you're just so scrumptious. [Takes a deep breath through her nose, and then lets out a contented sigh] Mmm, your hair looks like linguini. [Starts chewing on Lola's hair]

Lola: Wha… EWWWWW! Lana, get her off me!

[Lana jerks her head up and looks to the side.]

Lana: Shhhh! Don't you know you're not supposed to wake up a sleepwalker?

Lola: [Whispering] But then what am I supposed to do?!

[Beat]

Lana: I'unno.

Lola: Well, we have to do something. She's ruining my hair!

Lana: Hmm....

''[We cut to Lola walking down the hall towards Luan's room, with Luan walking behind her, hunched over with a mouthful of her hair. Lola is cringing with disgust.]''

Luan: Mmm… tell the waitress I want more garlic bread.

***

''[The next scene begins in Lisa's room. Lisa's bent over her desk, working on an experiment while chewing some gum. She overhears someone walking past her door and looks over her shoulder to find Luan, looking absolutely haggard.]''

Lisa: Luan? I would like to request a brief favor, please.

Luan: Mmm? [Slumps into the room] S...sure. What?

Lisa: I'm a little tied up at the moment. Would you mind going over to my cabinet to fetch my cylinder of citric acid?

Luan: Mmm… why? For an experiment?

Lisa: Not quite. My gum is on the verge of losing its flavor. I like to use citric acid to keep it fresh; I find it's far more efficient than disposing of it and starting a new piece.

Luan: Oh. Um… sure. You're… [yawns] you're the boss.

[Lisa eyes Luan with some concern.]

Lisa: Are you feeling okay, Luan? You've been looking increasingly weary over the past few days.

Luan: Y… yeah, I'm fine. I told everyone I'd see a doctor about my sleepwalking… thing. Lemme get you that acid.

''[Luan stumbles over to the cabinet and finds two vials side by side. The first is a cylinder of yellow powder labeled "CITRIC ACID"; the second is a cylinder of clear liquid labeled "SULFURIC ACID". In her sleep-deprived stupor, Luan takes the latter.]''

Luan: Here ya go, Lisa. [Places the sulfuric acid on the table.]

Lisa: Much obliged.

''[Without looking, Lisa dips her gum into the sulfuric acid and puts it in her mouth. She then screams in agony, falls off her chair and starts writhing around on the floor.]''

Luan: Wow. Must be some spicy gum.

***

''[We cut to Lincoln’s room later that night. Lincoln is nestled in bed with Bun-Bun in his arms. A shadow softly nudges him awake. Lincoln grunts and opens his eyes. He sees Luan hovering over his bed.]''

Lincoln: L-Luan? What’re you…? Are you sleepwalking again?

Luan: H-hey, you’re gonna love this one. Why does One-Eyed Jack wear gloves?

Lincoln: [groggily] I-I don’t know, Luan. Why does… why?

Luan: Because he makes sandwiches at a deli, and he wants to prevent the germs from getting into the sandwiches.

[Beat]

Lincoln: Uh, Luan? A-are you alright?

Luan: [cheerfully] I’m more than alright! I’m devastated!

[Before Lincoln can ask Luan what she means by that, she slips into bed and starts snuggling him.]

Luan: Y-y’know, Lincoln? Y-you sleep alone every single night. Like, why is that?

Lincoln: [shrugs] I-I don’t know, Luan. That’s just… kinda how things played out. Besides, I like having my own space.

Luan: B-but that’s so sad, though. You’re all alone in this closet... with no one to listen to you... and no one to look after you…

Lincoln: [confused] I have Bun-Bun?

Luan: [scoffs] Bun-Bun doesn’t count, Linky. No more than Mr. Coconuts counts. [she hums as she holds Lincoln close] But not tonight. Tonight, you have me. And I have you. And neither of us have to be lonely.

Lincoln: Um, thanks. I think.

Luan: [sighs and strokes Lincoln’s hair] I wish I was more like you, Lincoln. You’re so brave and mature, and I’m… not.

Lincoln: Wh-where did that come from?

Luan: [sniffles] I-I couldn’t last one night without her, Lincoln. Not one night. What’s gonna happen when she goes off to college? Am I gonna have to do this all over again? And don’t even get me started on when I have to move out. Th-that’s not gonna be fun~. [giggles nervously] Well, if this is what my life’s gonna be like, I might as well get used to it now. Mmm~.

[Luan nuzzles her cheek against Lincoln’s head while Lincoln turns to the audience.]

Lincoln: You know what’s funny? I can’t decide if this is better or worse than her watching too much daytime TV and becoming an activist.

Luan: H-hey, Lincoln. What do you call the biggest baby in the Loud House?

Lincoln: Uh, I don’t know. Lily?

Luan: Nope! You call her Luan! [laughs sorrowfully] Get it?!

''[Luan’s sad laughter continues, and it soon dissolves into sobbing. As she holds Lincoln tight and cries herself to sleep, Lincoln gives the camera a pained look.]''

Lincoln: Worse. This is… definitely worse.

***

[We cut to the following afternoon; the entire family, sans Luan, is gathered in the parents' room.]

Lynn Sr.: I think you all know why we've called you in here.

[All of the Loud siblings nod.]

Lori: Do you guys have any idea what's going on with Luan? Ever since Luna left, she's been acting kind of… loopy.

Lisa: That's putting it mildly. [sticks out her tongue, which now has a bandage across it]

Rita: ...I'm not even going to ask what she did to cause that. Point is, your father and I are a little suspicious about this whole "sleepwalking" business.

Lori: Yeah, I'm 95% sure that she's faking it. The question is, why?

Lynn: I don't know. Every night she crawls into one of our beds and tries to get all huggy with us. It's bizarre. I mean, she felt up my muscles!

Lola: You think that's bad? Two nights ago, she tried to eat my hair!

[Everyone gives Lola a bewildered look.]

Lola: Yeah. That happened.

Lincoln: [raises his hand] Uh, guys? I think I may have an explanation.

[Everyone looks at Lincoln.]

Lincoln: See, last night, she climbed into my bed. And when she was getting cozy with me, I heard her mumbling about how lonely she is without her roommate. She even started crying.

[A few gasps are heard around the room.]

Leni: So that's it? She just misses having someone to share a room with?

Lincoln: I think so.

Lynn: Sheesh. Who knew Luan could be so clingy?

Rita: Actually, now that I think about it, she's always had… attachment issues. You should've seen her the first time I dropped her off at preschool. It took me three minutes to get her to let go of my dress.

Lisa: If that's the case, then I strongly suspect that Lincoln's hypothesis is correct. I suggest that we all confront her about it tonight when she tries to go through her usual routine.

Lori: Sounds like a plan.

[The siblings all start to leave the room.]

Lynn Sr.: Uh, kids? Should we get in on this, too?

Lori: No, that's okay. You and Mom can just stay in your room and wait for everything to blow over like you usually do.

Lynn Sr.: Well, all right. If you say so.

[The siblings all exit the room and close the door behind them.]

Lynn Sr.: ...hey!

***

''[We cut to that night in Lisa and Lily’s room. Luan stumbles in with the grace of a clumsy ox. Lily watches her from her crib, confused.]''

Lily: Poo-poo?

[Luan saunters over to Lily and pokes her nose.]

Luan: Boop~. [giggles]

''[Lily giggles as well. Satisfied, Luan goes over to Lisa’s bed. Unbeknownst to her, Lisa is holding a small remote control. Luan pokes Lisa’s nose.]''

Luan: Boop~.

Lisa: H-hmm? [she slowly opens her eyes and blinks a few times] L-Luan?

Luan: Knock knock.

[Beat]

Lisa: [groans and rolls her eyes] Who is there?

Luan: Me.

Lisa: Me who?

Luan: [snickers] M-me who piano!

''[Luan cracks up, falling on the floor and laughing hysterically. Lily giggles as well. Lisa, however, just gives Luan a dumbfounded stare.]''

Lisa: I... fail to see how that’s supposed to be humorous.

[Luan gets up and pouts.]

Luan: Oh, of course. I-I wouldn’t expect anything— [yawns] anything different from Ms. Pouty Puss over here. Wh-why can’t you ever just lighten up? Do something fun, like this!

[Luan picks Lisa up by her arms and begins playing with her like a rag doll.]

Luan: [singing] I’m a little Lisa, short and smart,

This is my brain, and this is my heart,

I like doing science and some art…

Lisa: Okay, that is about all I can take. Lily, I strongly advise you to cover your ears.

''[Lily complies, and Lisa presses a button on her remote. An alarm blares in the room, causing Luan to stumble and drop Lisa onto her bed. She gets up and sputters, giving Lisa a glare.]''

Luan: Dang it, Lisa! What’s the matter with you?! Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to wake up a sleepwalker?!

Lisa: [matter-of-factly] Actually, that’s a myth. There are no known negative repercussions for rousing a sleepwalker from their slumber. Though it appears Lincoln’s hypothesis is correct.

Luan: What hypothesis?

???: That this whole sleepwalking business was just an act.

''[Luan soon finds herself surrounded by all of her siblings. She turns completely pale and swallows hard.]''

Luan: U-um, guys? I-I can explain. I-it’s not what you—

[Lori raises her hand, cutting across Luan.]

Lori: Luan, relax. You’re not in trouble. We think we know what’s going on here, but we want to hear the truth from you. So, please. Just… talk to us.

''[Luan looks around at her siblings, trembling all over and whimpering. Finally, she lets out a defeated sigh.]''

Luan: Let me ask you guys something. What do you think is the worst reaction I can get as a comedian?

[The Loud siblings look at one another, confused by the question.]

Lucy: I’m assuming it’s not “Boo, get off the stage.”

Luan: [nods] Right you are, Luce. That one’s not even close. Because at least that’s a reaction. [sighs] No, the worst reaction I can get is no reaction at all. Just... dead silence. No indication that anyone heard me, or is even listening to me.

''[As Luan continues to say her piece, she averts her eyes and rubs her arm. Her lower lip quivers, and her eyes well up with tears.]''

Luan: I-I don’t get that kind of response often, but whenever I do, i-it feels like I’m all alone on that stage. Like it’s just me up there, and no one else. [her voice cracks] I-I hate that. I hate that feeling more than anything else in the world. And I— [sniffles] I…  I-I’ve been feeling that way since Luna’s been gone.

''[Luan cringes, as though it physically hurt her to say that last part. There is a small pause.]''

Lincoln: So, it’s just like I thought. You’ve been sneaking into our rooms at night because you were lonely.

[Luan nods.]

Lori: And instead of telling us that, you somehow decided it would be a better idea to lie to us about sleepwalking of all things.

[Luan nods again.]

Lori: [sighs] What on Earth were you thinking, Luan? Why put yourself through all this? Why didn’t you just tell us the truth?

Luan: [angrily] Because I should be better than this, that’s why!

''[The Loud siblings are taken aback by Luan’s outburst. Luan glowers at them all, tears streaming down her face.]''

Luan: I’m fourteen years old! Not four, not five, not six! Four-teen! I’m well past the age where it’s acceptable to get scared in the middle of the night and run to someone else’s room! [she falls to her knees and hangs her head] B-but, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I-I can’t help it. I-I just don’t wanna be alone. [scoffs] Well, at least I found one way to get you guys to laugh at my jokes. I just have to turn myself into a sleepwalking punchline. [laughs bitterly] Get it?

''[The Loud siblings all stare at Luan as she sobs. After a beat, Lori approaches her.]''

Lori: Luan, c’mon. You don’t really think we’re going to make fun of you over this, do you?

Luan: [sniffles] I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I mean, just look at me. I-I’m nothing but a big baby. I’m pathetic, a-and childish, and…

Lisa: [interrupts] Actually, Luan, this sort of behavior is not necessarily the result of emotional immaturity. I can only speculate, but I believe it’s safe to infer from your candid remarks that you may very well be suffering from autophobia.

Leni: So, like, Luan’s afraid of cars?

Lucy: [facepalms] Sigh. No, Leni. Autophobia is the fear of isolation. Or in other words, being alone.

[Beat]

Leni: Oh~. Yeah, that makes sense.

Lynn: [folds her arms] Doesn’t make sense to me.

Lori: [scolding] Lynn…

Lynn: What? I get the part about Luan having a phobia, but she’s got nothing to be afraid of. [she walks up to Luan and grabs her by the shoulders, forcing her to look her in the eye] Luan, you’re not alone. I know Luna isn’t here right now, but so what? You still have all of us! And it’s not like anyone is telling you to stay… in… your… own… room…

''[Lynn trails off as a realization hits her. She clicks her tongue and sucks in a sharp breath through her teeth.]''

Lynn: Okay, y’know what? Never mind. Just… forget I said anything.

Luan: [glumly] No, you’re right, Lynn. It’s stupid. I should know better. [she looks over at Lori, Leni, and Lynn] I mean, it’s not like any of you get all scared and lonely at night just because your roommates aren’t there.

''[The three elder siblings look at each other for a moment. Lori’s lips suddenly curl into a soft smile as she places a hand on Luan’s shoulder.]''

Lori: Actually, you’d be wrong about that.

Luan: [blinks] H-huh?

Lori: Remember that time when I moved into the garage to get away from you guys?

[Beat]

Luan: Uh, k-kinda? What about it?

Lori: [sighs] Well, that first night by myself was literally the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my entire life. It wasn’t just that Leni wasn’t there; I missed all of you guys. And, just like you, I was too ashamed to admit it at first. So, I totally get how you feel.

[Luan bears a small, quivering smile.]

Luan: R-really?

Lori: [nods] Mmm-hmm. [her smile fades into a concerned frown] But here’s the thing. It wasn’t okay for me to hide my feelings then, and it’s not okay for you to do it now. Especially since what you’re doing is not only dishonest, but also unhealthy and downright dangerous. I mean, you could barely function all week! We were really getting worried about you.

''[Luan bites her lip and averts her gaze from Lori. After a pause, she gives her siblings a sheepish look.]''

Luan: Was… was I really that bad?

Lori: Mom and Dad were literally considering dragging you to the doctor themselves.

Lola: You burned my cake and tried to eat my hair! It wasn’t even a prank; you were just being weird!

Lisa: Considering that I am now one of the few homo sapiens who can claim to know what sulfuric acid tastes like, I would have to say yes. You were, as you put it, “that” bad.

[Luan hangs her head in shame.]

Luan: Geez. I-I’m so sorry, guys. I-I didn’t mean to cause so much trouble.

Leni: It’s okay, Luan. We totally get it, and we forgive you.

Lola: But I still want that ice cream you promised.

Luan: [sighs] Okay, okay.

[After a pause, Lincoln approaches Luan and clears his throat.]

Lincoln: Hey, I actually have an idea.

Luan: Wh-what’s that?

Lincoln: How about I bunk with you until Luna gets back? That way, you won’t have to get up and bug anyone else.

[Luan starts getting choked up.]

Luan: Y-you’d really do that for me? Even after everything I’ve done?

Lincoln: Of course. I don’t wanna see you like this anymore, and neither does anyone else. We’re here to help you any way we can. Just… no unauthorized snuggles, please.

Luan: [chuckles] Deal. [sighs and sniffles] You guys are just… too good to me. I-it’s gonna be so hard to leave everyone… when I have to move out.

Lori: [sighs] Luan, I don’t think that’s gonna be easy for any of us. It wasn’t easy for me, despite what I told myself.

Lisa: Or me.

[Lori gives Lisa a perplexed look.]

Lori: Wait, when did you move out?

Lisa: In an alternate timeline. It’s probably best not to get into the details.

[Beat]

Lori: Well, okay then. [clears her throat] The point is, again, we understand how you feel, Luan. And that’s why you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to us about these things.

Leni: And you should totally tell Mom and Dad, too. They can help you figure this stuff out.

Lincoln: Or, if you really feel like you can’t talk to us, Clyde knows the number of a good therapist.

Lori: But, we’d prefer it if you tried to be open with us first. Okay?

[Beat]

Luan: [sniffles and nods] O-okay.

''[After a pause, the Loud siblings envelope Luan in a group hug. Luan tears up and returns the affection in kind.]''

Lynn: We gotcha, Luan. It’s okay.

Lucy: We don’t think any less of you just because you’re afraid of being alone.

Lori: You’re going to be alright. We’ll all make sure of it.

Lana: We wanna see you be happy again.

Leni: We won’t let your fears take control of your life.

Lisa: Phobias are inherently irrational. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Lola: Just get me my ice cream, and we’ll call it even. [Lana smacks her] Ow, what?

Lincoln: We love you, Luan. And we’ll always try to be there for you.

Lily: Poo-poo.

[Luan lets out a self-mocking chuckle.]

Luan: Huh. Wow. I guess my whole sleepwalking scheme was just like my joke about the broken pencil.

Lincoln: [raises an eyebrow] What joke about the broken pencil?

Luan: Ah, nothing. It’s pointless. [laughs] Get it?

[The Loud siblings all share a laugh.]

***

''[We cut to a few days later in the Loud Houses’ driveway. Chunk's van pulls up, and Luna emerges from it with her suitcase in her hand and her backpack and guitar over her back.]''

Chunk: Thanks for comin', luv. Did you have a good time?

Luna: You better believe I did! I can't wait to tell my family all about it!

[The Louds start to emerge from the front door to greet her, one by one.]

Lynn: All right, Luna's back!

Rita: How was your trip, sweetie?

Lincoln: Did you—?

[Suddenly, Luan rushes to the front of the pack, runs up to Luna and throws her arms around her.]

Luna: Whoa! Looks like somebody missed me!

Leni: Well, duh. We all did, Luna.

Luna: No, I mean… um…

[Eventually, Luna decides to return the hug.]

Luna: Eh, all right. I missed you, too.

The End

Triva

 * When Luna gushes about Chunk's band, she references the song Woodstock by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.
 * During the intervention scene, I originally planned to have Lincoln reassure Luan by telling her about the events of my brother's story, All the Lonely People.  I changed it to Lori talking about her own experience in the episode Garage Banned, since I figured it would resonate with Luan more.
 * Cookie for those who can guess which specific works of my brother inspired this tale.