User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: Missing Linc (Chapter 4)

Chapter 4: The Gross Gumshoe Gambit
“Dude, c’mon! We gotta get the lead out! How long does it take to put on clown makeup?!”

“Be out in a second~!” I called out. Sometimes, I think there are big misconceptions on my line of work. It’s more than just putting on a silly wig and some makeup. You need to tailor your appearance to your audience. Which is why I decided to break out something really special.

Honestly, I can’t believe I still have this. Nor can I remember when I wore it last. It’s a brown wool tweed coat complete with a matching deerstalker cap. In case you don’t know what either of those things are, I’m going for the detective look. Again, I don’t remember the last time I performed at a detective-themed birthday party (or even if I ever did), but what can I say? I try to expect the unexpected.

When I opened the door, Luna gave me an incredulous look. Honestly, I was expecting that reaction. To add to the awkward silence, I took out a bubble pipe and started blowing bubbles. Inside, I’m rolling on the floor laughing right now. Just… the look on Luna’s face combined with my outfit is simply priceless.

“Seriously?” Luna said. “That’s what you’re wearing.”

“What’s wrong with it?” I asked knowingly.

“I thought we were supposed to be going undercover. Isn’t that a bit, I dunno, on-the-nose?”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes. “C’mon, Luna. You heard what Lisa said. This Chandler guy might not know anything. He’s not gonna get suspicious if I show up like this.”

“No, but he is gonna wonder why a party clown is showing up to his party dressed like Sherlock ruddy Holmes.”

I shrugged. “Laundry day?”

Luna groaned and facepalmed while I laughed.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” I reassured her. “Look, just let me do the talking. We’ll get into that party no problem.”

“Do I wanna know how?” said Luna, raising an eyebrow.

I smiled and tapped the side of my nose with my finger. “You’ll see.”

Luna just rolled her eyes. “Fine, whatever. I’m gonna call up Chunk and ask him to give us a ride to the place. You already canceled your Giggling Geezer gig, yeah?”

“Uh, yeah. I did that right after the sibling meeting,” I said. “Are you sure Chunk’s gonna agree to this, Luna?”

“He will once he knows the sitch,” said Luna, taking out her phone. “Plus, it’ll give more credibility to our cover story.”  She looked at my outfit again. “Though I have no idea how we’re gonna explain that.”

“Again, let me worry about that,” I said. “I may not be our Man with the Plan, but you know I’ve always got a trick or two up my sleeve.”

To demonstrate, I reached into my sleeve and pulled out a whoopee cushion. Luna sighed and shook her head.

“Y’know, Luan. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you weren’t taking this seriously,” she said.

Oof. That kinda stings. Luckily, I have the perfect retort.

“Well, it’s a good thing you know better, then.”

Luna scoffed. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”  She then placed a hand on my shoulder and looked me right in the eye. “Look, real talk. I know you’re hurting just as much as the rest of us right now. If things get too heavy for whatever reason, tell me about it, okay? Don’t just keep cracking jokes and pretend that you’re fine.”

Brr~. Seeing Luna go into Responsible Big Sister mode like this always sends chills up my spine. It’s a side of her I don’t see often, seeing as she’s either so laid back or caught up in her music. Still, I don’t know if I can promise her what she asked of me. Jokes are how I cope with stuff like this, y’know?

“I-I’ll try,” I said.

Luna nodded and gave me a hug. “We’re in this together, little sis. Now, let’s go find Lincoln.”  She then released me and called up Chunk. “Yo, Chunksky? Luna here. Listen, I need a huge favor…”

While Luna filled Chunk in, I went back in my room to get some supplies for our investigation. I still don’t know why this Chandler guy thought Lincoln would be interested in a party at the sewage treatment plant. Guess Lana’s been rubbing off on him or something. Well, that’s the least of our problems right now. We need to see this through, even if it isn’t our best lead.

Oh, hey! I just realized! Since Luna and I are gonna be investigating a sewage treatment plant, that would make us a couple of gunkshoes! Hahahahaha~! Get it?

…

Eh, yeah. That’s a bit of a stretch. I’ll come up with a better one, I promise.

***

“Thanks again for doing this for us, Chunk. I seriously owe you big time.”

“No worries, luv. All in a day’s work as far as I’m concerned.”

I gotta hand it to Chunk: he’s a real stand-up guy. Once he got the full story from Luna, he was ready to pick us up in a matter of minutes. Still wish he cleaned out his van, though. It’s pretty cramped back here with all the amps and the wires and…  Is that a washing machine? Sheesh, and Luna says my closet is full of random junk. All of the bouncing and swerving isn’t helping much, either. I had to use one of the cables from the amps as an impromptu seatbelt, which just led to me getting completely tangled up in the ding-dang thing.

“You alright back there, luv?” Chunk asked me.

If I’m being honest, no. I’d take sleeping in Lana’s bed with her pet snake over this any day of the week. But asking Chunk to slow down would just waste time, and we need every second we can get.

“I’d answer, but I’m a little tied up at the moment,” I said with a laugh. “Get it?”

Luna glanced at me through the rearview mirror and deadpanned. “Please tell me you didn’t do that to yourself on purpose just so you could make that pun.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault there aren’t any seats back here,” I said with a pout. “Look, I’ll be fine. Lincoln’s more important right now.”

Chunk sighed. “Sorry ‘bout that, luv. I’ll look into it for next time. Just hang tight for now, yeah?”

“Not like I can do much else,” I said, letting out another laugh. Another bump in the road caused my body to slam into the shag carpeting. “Ow. Everyone’s a critic.”

We continued driving for a while before Chunk turned to Luna. “You sure you don’t wanna leave this to the cops, Luna?”

“We all agreed that sitting around and doing nothing wasn’t an option,” said Luna sternly. “And don’t try to talk us out of it.”

“Wasn’t planning on it, luv. I’m just making sure you know what you’re getting into,” said Chunk.

“I know Lincoln’s out there somewhere, and we have to find him,” said Luna. “That’s all I need.”

“Seconded,” I said. I tried to raise my hand, but the tangled wires made it hard to move.

Chunk raised an eyebrow at me. “You sure you’re okay back there? Maybe I should pull over and get you loose.”

“N-no, that’s okay. Just tell me when we get there,” I grunted.

My body suddenly lurched forward as the van came to a stop. “Funny you should say that, luv. We’re here.”

Luna unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed into the back to untie me. “Really sorry about this, Lu’. I should’ve let you ride shotgun.”

I just decided to laugh it off. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve had much worse than this.”

Once I was fully untangled, we got out of the van. Right away, a strong, powerful smell nearly caused me to keel over. Woof, that is rank. Seriously, my nostrils feel like they’re on fire right now. This is even worse than that time Lori let one rip in Vanzilla. At least we know we’re at the right place.

After recovering from the olfactory outrage, I took a quick look around. I managed to spot a few kids wearing hazmat suits and goulashes right outside the main entrance. Those must be the other guests to this little shindig. Honestly, I’m surprised anyone showed up at all. Though I can clearly see why Lana would want to be here.

“So, now what?” Luna asked.

I smirked and cracked my knuckles. “Just follow my lead.”

I sauntered over to the front of the line, with Luna and Chunk following at my heels. Once there, we were greeted by a young boy with brown skin, black hair, and a blue hazmat suit. He held a clipboard and looked us over.

“And who are you supposed to be?” he asked.

Showtime. I cleared my throat.

“Howdy! I’m Luan Loud, and this is my talented sister, Luna,” I said. “We’ve been hired as the entertainment for this party.”

The kid looked at the clipboard and arched an eyebrow. “I don’t see you on the list.”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Typical. Y’know, I warned this guy that this would happen if he booked us at the last minute. They never listen.”

“Chandler never mentioned anything about hiring you, weirdo.”

“Oh, that’s just rich. You’re a bouncer at a party being hosted in a sewage treatment plant, and you call me the weirdo?”

“I don’t even know what you’re supposed to be!”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m a party clown.”

“You look like a detective.”

“Well, of course I look like a detective. Didn’t Chandler tell you about the scavenger hunt he had planned?”  I gasped, making it appear that a realization just hit me. “Or did I just spoil the surprise?”

The kid’s eyes went wide. “Scavenger hunt? That was his big surprise?”

Wait, he actually had a surprise planned for this party? Sheesh, I just pulled that out of my butt. Talk about a lucky break.

“Uh, yep! Sorry for the spoiler,” I said.

The kid looked at the clipboard again. “Well, Chandler did say he had a big surprise for Loud. But I’m pretty sure he was talking about Lincoln Loud, not you.”

“Oh boy,” Luna muttered, sounding quite concerned. Honestly, I’m right there with her. This got awkward in a hurry. Time to improvise.

“Oh, right. Yeah, Lincoln mentioned that,” I said sheepishly. “He said he couldn’t come today, so he sent the two of us in his place. Family emergency. I hope you understand.”

The kid furrowed his brow and stroked his chin. “Hang on,” he said, turning his head. “Yo, Chandler! Loud’s here!”

After a few minutes, the man of the hour arrived. Y’know, for someone who invited a bunch of kids to a sewage treatment plant, he sure had a cocky swagger as he walked out to meet us. He looked us over and turned to his bouncer.

“What the heck is this, Richie?” he snarled. “I thought you said Larry was here.”

Hang on, what? Who’s Larry? Weren’t we just talking about Lincoln a second ago?

“She says he couldn’t make it,” said Richie. “They’re here to take his place. Something about your big surprise.”

Chandler looked up at me and raised an eyebrow.

“Aren’t you that party clown everyone talks about?” he asked.

“Yep, that’s me,” I said with a bow. “Luan Loud, at your service. And this is my assistant, Luna.”

“Uh, ‘sup?” said Luna, looking a bit confused.

Chandler snorted. “Why would Larry send you to take his place?”

“Um, who?” I asked.

“He means Loud,” said Richie.

So, he calls Lincoln Larry for some reason. Weird. Almost makes me wonder how Lincoln got the invitation in the first place if this chump keeps getting his name wrong.

“It’s a family emergency,” I said. “I’d rather not get into it.”

Chandler narrowed his eyes. “Okay. But why’re you dressed like that?”

“It’s part of your big surprise,” I said. “That’s what Lincoln told me, anyway.”

“I didn’t tell Larry about my surprise. How did you know about it?”

Oops. Dang it. And I was doing so well. Okay, calm down, Luan. You can still pull this off.

“Look, buster. All I know is that someone paid good money for us to show up at this shindig,” I said. “If Lincoln were here, he’d vouch for us. The fact that he’s not shows how much he trusts us with your little surprise, whatever it is.”

“I thought you said it was a scavenger hunt,” said Richie.

“I was just guessing!” I snapped, massaging my temples. “See, this is what you get for giving me vague directions. Ugh, I can’t work with this!”  I turned around and started marching off in a huff. “C’mon, Luna. We don’t have to take this. We’ll find a party that’ll give us the respect we deserve. And we’ll be sure to tell Lincoln what a jerk you were.”

“Whoa, wait! Hang on!”

I stopped and smiled. Bingo.

“L-look, I-I’m sorry about all this. I-I know Larry and I have had our differences in the past, but I really want him to trust me,” said Chandler. “And if he sent you two to get his surprise, then… I guess you’re cool. Let ‘em in, Richie.”

I gave Luna a wink. “See? Worked like a charm.”

“I gotta admit, that was some quick thinking,” said Luna, dipping her voice. “Still, what was all that about a surprise he had for Lincoln?”

“Don’t ask me; I’m just as confused as you,” I said. “I guess we’ll find out once we do some sleuthing. Oh, and don’t let your guard down. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

“Same,” said Luna with a nod. “Chunk, you’d better wait out here. We’ll call ya if we need ya.”

“Can do,” said Chunk.

With that, we followed Chandler inside. Call it prankster’s intuition, but I trust this punk about as far as I can throw him. We might not find Lincoln here, but Chandler obviously has something planned for him at this party. And I don’t think it’s a scavenger hunt.

Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, didn’t Lincoln say in his diary that he declined Chandler’s invitation? Why would Chandler assume that Lincoln would show up? Not only that, but it sounds to me that he’s throwing this party specifically for Lincoln. Something stinks around here, and it’s not the sewage.

…

Well, okay, it is the sewage, too. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, not much to do but play along for now. If there’s even the smallest chance that this’ll help us find Lincoln, then we’ve got nothing to lose. Besides, I doubt Chandler will be able to pull a fast one on a master prankster like me.

“Psst. Hey, Luna,” I whispered.

Luna arched an eyebrow at me. “What?”

“Since this is a party at a sewage treatment plant, we might have to watch out for party poopers!” I said with a laugh. “Get it?”

Luna gave me an incredulous look. “Toilet humor? Really?”

I shrugged. “Hey, when in Rome…”

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