User blog:Boyariffic/The Chest Hair is Around

The Chest Hair is Around is a funny episode of The Loud House I came up with. In this episode, Lincoln grows his first chest hair and gets ready to show it to Stella.

Transcript

 * [Establishing show of the house; Suddenly we hear Lincoln screaming at the top of his lungs]
 * Lincoln: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
 * [Lincoln's parents run into his room]
 * Rita: Lincoln, what is going on?
 * Lynn Sr.: Are you alright?
 * Lincoln: Better than alright! I grew not one but eleven chesthairs!
 * [Lincoln shows his parents his chest full of chesthairs]
 * Rita: Wow, good for you, Lincoln!
 * Lynn Sr.: Great job, son. That means you're finally becoming a man.
 * Rita: Why don't you go show those to that girl from your school?
 * Lincoln: Oh, you mean Stella? I don't know ...
 * Lynn Sr.: Do it, son. You know, I remember when I was around your age, I showed my first chesthair to a pretty girl who lived down the street. She fell head over heels for me and we soon became a thing. That girl, Lincoln, eventually grew up to become ... my crazy ex, who's still constantly harassing your mother online.
 * Lincoln: You think I should?
 * Lynn Sr.: I know you should, son. Go give 'er a call.
 * [The parents leave the room; Lincoln picks up his walkie talkie]
 * Lincoln: [nervous] Okay, ... giving Stella a call now. You can do this, ... just play it cool.
 * [Split screen, showing Stella on the other end]
 * Stella: Hey, Lincoln.
 * Lincoln: STELLA I JUST GREW A BUNCH OF HAIR ON MY BUTT!!!
 * Stella: Ew.
 * Lincoln: Uh, did I say "butt"? I meant to say "chest".
 * Stella: [interested] Ooh! [lovingly] You don't say.
 * Lincoln: Yep. 11 of them to be exact. Just grew 'em overnight. [flexing muscles] Guess puberty's coming on strong.
 * Stella: Wow, ... I think that's hot Lincoln. How 'bout I come down to your house later today and kiss you on the lips.
 * [Lincoln looks at the camera in shock, and his face turns red and train smoke comes out of his ears]
 * Lincoln: Yeah, baby. Sounds fun.
 * Stella: Great. I'll be down there in two hours. Can't wait to see your chesthairs, cutie pie! [blows lincoln a kiss]
 * [Lincoln hangs up and dances around the room celebrating]
 * Lincoln: YE-HE-HES!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM GETTING A DATE WITH STELLA! [gasp] Better get ready.
 * [The next scene shows Lincoln in the bathroom, combing his chesthairs]
 * Lincoln: I think I'm gunna name you "Chesty", and you "Hairy", and you ... uh, ... "Chesthairy" ...
 * [Lori knocks on the door]
 * Lori: [offscreen] LINCOLN OPEN UP! I LITERALLY HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW!
 * Lincoln: Is this a bathroom emergency or a romance emergency?
 * [Lori is shown outside, crying]
 * Lori: ROMANCE! BOBBY LITERALLY JUST BROKE UP WITH ME AND NOW I'M CRYING!
 * [Lincoln comes out]
 * Lincoln: Chill out, Lori. Bobby did not break up with you.
 * Lori: YES HE DID! Bobby just texted by saying "Frowny face, I can't talk to you for another 5 hours, because of my shift at the mercado!" HE'S DUMPING MEEEEEEEE!
 * Lincoln: [sighs and rolls eyes] Look, I'm kind of dealing with my own relationship problems right now. Well, not so much problems, more as they are ... what's the opposite of "problems"?
 * Lori: Oh, Lincoln! You have chesthairs! That's exacty what I need!
 * Lincoln: [confused] What?
 * [Lori plucks a chesthair out of Lincoln's chest]
 * Lincoln: [in great pain] YOOOOOOOOOW!!! Lori! What was THAT for!?
 * Lori: [sobbing] To cheer me up.
 * [Lori tickles herself with Lincoln's chesthair and slowly goes from crying to laughing]
 * Lori: Oh, thanks Lincoln! Your chesthair really helped me get out of this funk. Here. You can put it back now, I'm done using it.
 * [Lincoln snatches the chesthair back in anger]
 * Lincoln: Lori, I can't put it back! That's not how hair works! ... Dangit. Now I only have ten chesthairs. Oh well. I guess all I need is one for Stella to kiss me.
 * [The next scene has Leni on her bed, face timing with Fiona and Miguel]
 * Fiona: Like, OMG, Leni! You have to get a streak in your hair. It's the latest trend! I got mine in purple and Miguel got his in red!
 * Miguel: I think it accentuates my fiery personality.
 * Leni: Oh, I wish I could, but my mom won't let me dye my hair anymore.
 * [Flashback to Leni with towels under her armpits and Rita looking at her in anger]
 * Leni: I just thought that I wouldn't have to shave them anymore if they looked pretty and pink.
 * [Back to the regular scene]
 * Leni: If I did get a hairstreak, however. I'd want it to be white. Oh, well. Guess that'll go into the bucket of dreams that'll never come true.
 * [Lincoln dances by Leni's door, showing off his chesthairs]
 * Lincoln: [singing] I GOT SOME CHESTHAIRS! SOME CHESTHAIRS! SOME CHESTHAIRS! I GOT SOME CHESTHAIRS! TEN WHITE CHESTHAIRS!
 * Leni: [micheivious] Unless ...
 * [As Lincoln dances outside, Leni slips in]
 * Leni: [quickly] Hey, Lincoln. Can I borrow this real quick? [Leni plucks Lincoln's chesthair] Thanks.
 * Lincoln: [deeply pained] YOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! [angry] Leni!
 * [Leni sticks the chesthair in her hair to make a streak; She looks at her phone]
 * Leni: What do you think, guys?
 * Fiona: OMG, Leni! You are mega gorge!
 * Miguel: Absolutely ... loooove iiiiit!
 * Lincoln: [angry] Leni! That was my chesthair!
 * Leni: Jeez, get a grip, Lincoln. You still have plenty more left over. No need to get in a tizzy.
 * [Leni goes back into her room]
 * Lincoln: [sighs and calms down] She's right. I still have nine more left. Now, if I just don't lose anymore chesthairs before Stella comes, then I-
 * [Luna cuts him off by coming in with a broken guitar string]
 * Luna: Hey, little dude. I busted my guitar string. Mind if I borrow a hair?
 * Lincoln: What? No! Don't!
 * [Luna plucks his chesthair]
 * Lincoln: [deeply pained] YOOOOOOWWWW!!! [angry] Luna!
 * [Luna ties the chesthair to her guitar and strums it]
 * Luna: Alright! Thanks, bro.
 * [Luna walks away, strumming her guitar]
 * Lincoln: [grumbles]
 * [Luan comes in and plucks Lincoln's chesthair]
 * Lincoln: [deeply pained] YOOOOOOOOOWWWWCH!!! [angry] Luan!
 * Luan: Sorry, Lincoln. I needed this as a prop for my new prop comic routine. Tell me what ya think. [holds up chesthair] Hair I am! Get it?
 * [Lincoln gives Luan a blank glare and blinks]
 * Luan: Yeah, I didn't get it either. I should really start stealing my material from more respectable comics.
 * [Luan leaves]
 * Lincoln: [sigh] No matter. I still have, ... uh, is it eight more left now?
 * [Lynn swoops in and plucks Lincoln's chesthair]
 * Lincoln: [violently screeches in pain]
 * Lynn: Sorry, Lincoln! Needed a jump rope.
 * [Lynn uses Lincoln's hair as a jump rope and skips away]
 * Lynn: [chanting] One banana. Two banana. Three banana. Four. Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
 * Lincoln: [clutching his chest in pain] ... That's it. I can't live like this anymore.
 * [In the next scene, Lincoln is in Rita and Lynn Sr.'s room, crying to his mom like a baby]
 * Lincoln: [crying] ... AND THEN SHE JUMPROPED AWAY AND NOW I ONLY HAVE SIX CHESTHAIRS LEFT!!!
 * Rita: Well, Lincoln, I'm gunna tell you the same thing I told Lynn when she started to hit puberty. You're gunna have to stop running around the house without a shirt.
 * Lincoln: But moooom! How will Stella see my hot new chesthairs!?
 * Rita: You can show her after she gets here. In the mean time, put up a "shield" to block out your sisters.
 * Lincoln: [sniffs] Okay. Thanks mom.
 * [Lincoln leaves the room and Lynn Sr. enters from the bathroom, shirtless and showing off his many curly chesthairs]
 * Lynn Sr.: [smoothly] Why, hello. Rita, my darling. Care to graze your palms across my magnificent field of caramel wheat? [gestures to his chesthairs]
 * Rita: [flatly] I'll pass. [plucks one of Lynn Sr.'s chesthairs]
 * Lynn Sr.: [in a great deal of pain] YOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!
 * Rita: But thanks. I was out of dental floss anyway.
 * [In the next scene, Lincoln walks down the hallway, fully shirted]
 * Lincoln: Ah, protected at last and only one hour before Stella gets here.
 * [Lucy comes up and scares him]
 * Lucy: Hey, Lincoln.
 * Lincoln: AAAH!
 * Lucy: Can you help me with my witch's brew?
 * Lincoln: Uuuuuh, sure ... What could possibly go horribly wrong?
 * [Lincoln and Lucy are in Lucy's scary witch lab by her pot of brew]
 * Lincoln: So, what do you need?
 * Lucy: The recipe calls for a DNA sample from a male. So, do you think you could spit into this vile for me? [Lucy takes out a vile and accidentally spills some acid on Lincoln's shirt, burning it off] Whoops. That was a full vile. My bad.
 * Lincoln: Nope. Foreget it. I'm not doing this.
 * Lucy: That's fine. You don't have to. [Lucy plucks Lincoln's chesthair] This makes a better sample anyway.
 * Lincoln: OWWWWWW! OH, COME ON!
 * [In the next scene, Lincoln sits on the tire swing in the backyard with a new shirt on]
 * Lincoln: Only 30 minutes before she gets here. Things should be perfectly fine.
 * [A bunch of mud splatters on Lincoln's shirt]
 * Lincoln: Hey!
 * [Lana is shown in the mud]
 * Lana: Whoops. Sorry, Linc. I was just looking for Cliff's hairball. I know I put it in this mud puddle somewhere.
 * Lincoln: I don't know where that is! And now thanks to you, I need to get a new shirt. Stella can't see me like this. [Lincoln takes off his shirt] Ugh.
 * Lana: I just needed it because I'm constructing a ball of extremely gross stuff I found and I need something ... hairy. [notices Lincoln's chesthair] Ooh, but this should make a fine substitute.
 * Lincoln: What will? [Lana plucks Lincoln's chesthair] AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!! Yeah, I should have seen that coming.
 * [In the next scene, Lincoln is inside; Lola asks him for help]
 * Lola: Lincoln, can you help me?
 * Lincoln: Sure, Lola. What do you need?
 * Lola: I'm looking for something to use as garland to decorate my bed. Do you have anything ... garland-y?
 * Lincoln: Hmmm, ... You could use my shirt. [takes his shirt off] That's garland-y.
 * Lola: No, I don't like orange. Oooh, but that looks nice!
 * [Lola plucks Lincoln's chesthair]
 * Lincoln: OOOOOOW! LOLA!
 * [Lola wraps Lincoln's chesthair around her bed]
 * Lola: Perfect. Now it looks like a winter wonderland. Thanks Lincoln.
 * [Lincoln throws his shirt at her in rage]
 * [In the next scene, Lincoln is taking his last shirt out of the dresser drawer]
 * Lincoln: Well, this is my last shirt. Think I can make it last ten minutes? ... Knowing my sisters, ... [happily] THAT'S AN ABSOLUTE YES!!!
 * [Lincoln slams open his door and breathes in happily]
 * Lincoln: I'M COMING FOR YOU, STELLA MY ONE TRUE LO-
 * [An explosion comes from Lisa's room, burning Lincoln's shirt off; Lincoln lies on the ground, covered in ash]
 * Lincoln: Ooooowwww! Lisa!
 * [Lisa enters]
 * Lisa: Sorry, Lincoln. I was just working on another one of my scientiffic experiments to see if dioxium chloride mixed well with izanium colliquinite. Needless to say, it didn't. Here, let me help you up.
 * Lincoln: [covers his chest in fear] DON'T PLUCK MY CHESTHAIR!
 * Lisa: ... Uh, I wasn't going to. Besides it seems like one of your three remaining chesthairs has already started to burn itself off.
 * [One of Lincoln's chesthairs is shows with a small flame on it, which burns down Lincoln's chesthair like a fuse until it hits his chest]
 * Lincoln: Ow.
 * [Tears well up in Lincoln's eyes]
 * Lisa: I ... can see this is causing you harm, so, ... I'm gunna goooooooo...[awkwardly exits]
 * Lincoln: [holding back tears] I ... only ... have ... two ... left ...
 * [Lily crawls by]
 * Lily: Goo goo ga ga.
 * [Lily plucks Lincoln's chesthair]
 * Lincoln: [gushing out tears, crying] YOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!
 * [In the next scene, Lincoln is in his room, with one last chesthair left]
 * Lincoln: Well, this is it. My one last chesthair. All I need to to is wait in my room because it's NOT SAFE to go outside. Only five 'til she arrives. Maybe I'll read an Ace Savvy comic to pass the time.
 * [Lincoln reads an Ace Savvy Comic; Screen shows the comic story happening]
 * Ace Savvy: Oh, no! Some evil bandits robbed the Candy Store! What do we do, One Eyed Jack?
 * One Eyed Jack: I don't know. How will we ever find the thieves without any evidence?
 * Voice: [offscreen] I think I can help you guys with that.
 * [A new superhero enters, who looks like a cross between a lion tamer and a Wonder Woman parody]
 * Superhero: Behold, 'tis I. The Liar Tamer!
 * Ace Savvy/One Eyed Jack: Whoooooa.
 * Liar Tamer: With my whip of truth, I can make anybody I whip with this tell the truth. Observe.
 * [Lying Tamer whips One Eyed Jack]
 * One Eyed Jack: Secretly, I collect Cornfield Kids.
 * [Ace and Liar Tamer look at Jack funny]
 * Ace Savvy: Cornfield Kids?
 * Liar Tamer: You know, the company that owns this comic book is the same company that makes Pumpkin Patch Kids. No need to use a non-copyrighted title.
 * [Screen briefly shows Lincoln, reading the comic]
 * Lincoln: Cornfield Kids. Gotta love a good fourth wall joke.
 * [Back to the comic]
 * Liar Tamer: Don't worry, guys. I can find that thief and whip the truth out of them.
 * [Scene shows Liar Tamer whipping a bunch of random people on the streets, making them all admit embarassing secrets until finally, she catches the real thief]
 * Ace Savvy: Congratulations, Liar Tamer. You found the thief and it was all thanks to you and your magical whip.
 * Criminal: Ahhh, I just wanted to get some free candy!
 * Liar Tamer: Well, you know what they say, criminal. A moment on the lips, a lifetime sentence getting whipped!
 * [Everybody laughs]
 * Comic "Narrator": Come and read the next issue to see if Ace Savvy and The Liar Tamer become ... a couple? You won't believe the story. [whip] OW! Okay, they don't become a couple. It's all just a marketing gimmick to make you giy the next book ... Still buy it though. I mean, they won't become a couple, but it's still a good story.
 * [Lincoln finishes readed]
 * Lincoln: WOW! What an amazing new superhero! I think I'm gunna pretend to be her!
 * [Lincoln runs around the room, pretending to be The Liar Tamer]
 * Lincoln: Doo doo doo doo! I'm The Liar Tamer! I'm gunna punish some criminals!
 * [Lincoln throws Bun Bun against a chair]
 * Lincoln: Alright, Bun Bun. Admit it. Did you rob that carrot store? Don't lie to me ... Okay you asked for it. Time to bring out my whip!
 * [Lincoln plucks his own chesthair]
 * Lincoln: YOOOOOW! Whipping time!
 * [Lincoln whips Bun Bun repeatedly and slowly starts to slow down as he realizes what he's just done]
 * Lincoln: Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya! ...........
 * [Cut to a bird's eye view shot of the house]
 * Lincoln: [offscreen] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
 * [Lincoln busts out of his room and runs to the kitchen]
 * Lincoln: I can't believe I did that! It's so stupid! I need to get the tape and fix this before Stella gets here!
 * [Lincoln gets some tape out of the kitchen drawer and tapes his chesthair to his chest]
 * Lincoln: Ehhh, maybe she won't notice. I need to get the rest of the hairs!
 * [Luan, Lana, and Leni just happen to be standing by with their hairs and Lincoln snatches them all back]
 * Luan: Hey!
 * Lana: Hey!
 * Leni: Hey!
 * [Lincoln runs to get the rest of the hairs, while quickly taping them to himself; the doorbell rings]
 * Lincoln: OH NO! SHE'S HERE!
 * Rita: [offscreen] Lincoln, Stella's here.
 * Lincoln: I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.
 * [Cut to Stella standing outside; Lincoln opens the door and we only see Stella's reaction]
 * Stella: [gasp]
 * [Lincoln is shown with a bunch of tape all over himself along with a small number of his actual chesthairs, among a sea of other hair he found lying around the house, including Lana's ball of mess and Charles, who struggles to get free and whines]
 * Lincoln: Hey, there, my stellar Stella. How 'bout a kissy wissy?
 * [Lincoln puckers up and Stella blocks him]
 * Stella: Ew, gross! Get away from me! Lincoln, you said you had chesthairs but all I see is you being a big faker!
 * Lincoln: Oh, but Stella. Come on! This was real! I had them for a minute but my sisters came along and each one plucked one off!
 * Stella: You have 10 sisters.
 * Lincoln: Yes.
 * Stella: And each one plucked one off?
 * Lincoln: Yes.
 * Stella: You had 11 chesthairs.
 * Lincoln: Yes.
 * Stella: Who plucked the last one?
 * Lincoln: ... Me ...
 * Stella: ... Goodbye, Lincoln.
 * Lincoln: Stella, wait! I-
 * [Stella reaches into the house to grab the door and slam it shut]
 * Lincoln: Wow. She slammed my door in my face. That's a new low. Well, at least she's not in love with anyone else. So I still have chances.
 * Clyde: [offscreen] Hey, Stella.
 * [Lincoln looks out the window to see Clyde and Stella out there]
 * Clyde: You see my fancy new beard hairs?
 * [Zoom in to Clyde having three tiny hairs on his chin]
 * Stella: Oh, wow, Clyde! That's amazing you have beard hairs! [lovingly] How 'bout a date, sweetie.
 * Clyde: You got it toots.
 * [Clyde gets on a tricycle and Stella sits on the back, like she's on a motorcycle with him and they both petal off; Lincoln is seen in the window, with his face squashed against the pane, with his eyes welling up with tears and snot coming out of his nose]
 * Lincoln: [crying like a total pansy] WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!??????
 * [End of episode]