User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: 50 Ways to Shake Your Stalker

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Luna fan. Along with Luan, Lucy, and Lisa, she's one of my favorite characters on the show. However, I also like to take not-too-subtle potshots at people who claim Luna is the "nice" sister and that can do no wrong, since I honestly don't see her that way. Eventually, it got me to thinking: what would happen if Luna actually met someone like that? And thus, this fan episode was born. Strap yourselves in, as we dive into:

50 Ways to Shake Your Stalker
Plot Summary: Luna is put through the wringer when she meets an obsessive fangirl who won't shut up about how nice she is.

Script
''[We open at Banger’s & Mosh, where Luna, Luan, and Giggles are on stage. Luna is jamming away on her guitar, Giggles is on the drums, and Luan is simply holding a microphone. Above them is a banner that reads “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TABBY”. Sure enough, Tabby has a front-row seat to the show.]''

Luan: Hey, did you hear the one about the musical comedian who had the crowd eating out of his hand? Boy, was he on a roll. [laughs] Get it?

[Luna gives Luan an incredulous look while still playing her guitar.]

Luna: Don’t you mean a rock ’n roll?

Luan: [chuckles] Don’t be silly, Luna! You can’t eat rocks!

[Giggles plays a rimshot, prompting laughter from Tabby and her friends.]

Luna: [sneers] Well, maybe he was using the rocks to totally crush his act. Just like we’re doin’ right now, eh?

Luan: [rolls her eyes] Oh, you just had to blow your own trumpet, didn’t you?

Luna: [raises an eyebrow] Luv, do you even know the difference between a guitar and a trumpet?

Luan: No, but if you hum a few bars, I’ll fake it!

[Giggles plays another rimshot, prompting more laughter.]

Luan: Hey, by the way. You’re looking rather fit today, Luna.

Luna: Thanks. I did some weightlifting before comin’ out.

Luan: Wait, lifting?

Luna: Sure! How else am I gonna be able to work with heavy metal?!

[Luna launches into a shredding metal riff, prompting cheers from the kids.]

Luan: Thank you, thank you! You’ve all been a wonderful audience! And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for! Brace yourself, birthday girl!

[Luna concludes her riff and throws up the goats.]

Luna: Stage dive~!

''[Luna leaps off the stage and tackles Tabby into a hug. Tabby erupts into laughter as she hugs Luna back.]''

Tabby: Blimey! This is the best birthday I ever had! [she looks up at Luan] You really know your stuff, luv. Thanks a million.

Luan: [modestly] No problem. But, you really should be thanking Luna. This was mostly her idea.

Luna: [chuckles sheepishly] Well, when I saw that you had booked Luan for this shindig, I figured I’d volunteer and make this day really special for ya.

Tabby: Aw, shucks, Lunes. Y’didn’t have to do that for me.

[Luna smiles and ruffles Tabby’s hair.]

Luna: Maybe not, but I wanted to. Nothing’s too good for one of me best mates.

Tabby: Heh. Well, that’s really nice of ya, Luna. Thanks so much.

Luna: Don’t mention it, Tabs. I’m just happy that you’re happy.

Tabby’s Mother: Okay, everyone! Who’s ready for shepherd’s pie and cake?

Tabby: Alright, Mum!

''[Tabby leaves Luna and darts to a large table with the other kids. Luna smirks and turns to the audience.]''

Luna: I get that a lot more often than you’d think. See, when you’re an up-and-coming rockstar like me, you learn pretty quick that your reputation is a powerful thing that can make or break you. Luckily for me, my rep’s pretty solid. And part of that is, well, lots of folks see me as a nice person.

[Luna gets up and dusts herself off.]

Luna: Don’t ask me where it comes from; I’m honestly not that sure myself. But hey, I’m not really complaining. It’s not like it’s just some act I put on for the cameras or anything. I do try to do right by the people I love, and I show my fans the respect they deserve. And sometimes, I go out of my way to do something special, like this gig for Tabby. It’s just the kind of person I am. Nothing more, nothing less.

???: Omigosh! Is that Luna Loud?!

''[Luna perks up to see a teenage girl running towards her at full speed. The girl is wearing a forest green tank top and cargo shorts, and she has a tattoo on her cheek that matches the skull symbol on Luna’s shirt. Her chocolate brown hair is long and disheveled. Before she reaches Luna, she stumbles over a loose floorboard. Luna darts over and keeps her from falling.]''

Luna: Whoa there. I gotcha.

[The girl looks at Luna with starry eyes.]

Girl: [hyperventilating] I-I just can’t believe it. Y-you’re here with me, a-and I’m here with you, a-and you’re not a pillow, a-and…

Luna: [does a double take] I’m not a what?

[The girl blushes.]

Girl: N-nothing. S-sorry, it’s just—  Eee~! I-it’s been my dream to meet you in person! [she hastily takes out a small notebook] C-can I have your autograph?

Luna: [unnerved] U-uh, sure. No prob. You got a pen?

Girl: Right here! [she brandishes a pen from her pocket]

Luna: Thanks. So, who’m I makin’ this out to?

Girl: Rebecca Danvers. But just Becca is fine [she squeals with delight] Omigosh, this is so awesome~! What’re you even doing here?!

Luna: Huh? Oh, it’s my friend’s birthday, and—

Becca: And you wanted to perform a concert just for her?! Oh, that is so like you!

[Luna blinks in confusion.]

Luna: No, see, she booked my sister Luan to perform for her, and I decided to help her with her act. [she turns to Luan, who is just standing there and giving Becca a bemused look] This is Luan, by the way.

Luan: [dryly] Charmed.

Becca: [smiles] Aw~! It’s so sweet of you to help your sister like that.

Luna: [sheepishly] Yeah, well, uh, Luan didn’t really need my help, but Tabby’s a good friend of mine, so…

Becca: And modest, too. You are just everything I imagined.

[Luna lets out a nervous chuckle, trying to hide her discomfort as she autographs Becca’s book.]

Luna: [clears her throat] W-well, there you go, uh, Becca, was it? [she hands the book and pen back to Becca]

Becca: Yes~! Oh, thank you so much, Luna!

''[Becca rushes off. Luna turns to Luan and shrugs sheepishly.]''

Luna: Fans. Amiright?

Luan: I don’t know. Are all fans that disturbing?

Luna: Oh, c’mon, Lu’. Sh-she probably just got overexcited. It happens. I mean, what’re the odds of us just randomly bumping into each other like this? I’ve never even seen her before in my life.

Luan: Okay, that’s fair. [her brow furrows] Still, that was kinda weird.

Luna: You’ll get no argument from me, brah. I’m gonna just grab some grub and try to forget that mess.

Luan: I’m right there with you.

[Giggles taps Luan’s side.]

Luan: Huh? What’s up, Giggles?

Giggles: Um, I’m curious. What did she mean when she said that Luna wasn’t a pillow?

[Luna and Luan give Giggles a bug-eyed stare, their faces turning beet red.]

Luan: I-I’ll tell you when you’re older.

***

''[We cut to the next day at Royal Woods High. Luna is walking the halls with her friends, chatting it up.]''

Luna: I’m tellin’ you, dudes. It’s like a rocker’s paradise over there. Plus, they have the best cupcakes you’ll ever eat.

Sam: Get out.

Luna: No, I’m serious! I would’ve brought some home, but you know my family. Any special treat like that is gone in five minutes. If that.

[They all share a laugh.]

Guy Friend: Sounds like you had a great time tourin’ with Chunk and the Pieces.

Luna: Yeah, man. It was really somethin’. I gotta ask Chunk if he’d be able to bring you guys along next—

???: Luna~!

''[Luna turns her head, and her eyes widen in surprise. There stands Becca, smiling radiantly and holding an armful of textbooks.]''

Luna: Oh, hey, uh… you.

Becca: [giggles] Oh, you are such a kidder. It’s me, Becca!

Luna: R-right, right. Sorry. Just… what’re you doing here?

Becca: I go to school here, silly! I just transferred from my old school.

Luna: Is that right? Huh. What’re the odds?

Becca: I know, right?! It’s like a dream come true! I’m going to the same school as the great Luna Loud, the nicest rockstar who ever lived! [sighs whimsically]

''[Luna’s friends give Luna weird looks. Luna chuckles nervously and shrugs.]''

Luna: Sh-she’s just a fan I met at Banger’s and Mosh yesterday. Nothing more than that.

Becca: [chuckles] Oh, but I’m so much more than that, Luna. I’m your biggest fan!

Luna: [sighs] Dude, do you know how many times I hear that on a regular basis?

''[Becca pauses for a moment before taking out a calculator. Luna raises an eyebrow.]''

Luna: Uh, what’re you doing?

Becca: Calculating how many times I’ve commented on your videos.

[After a beat, Luna facepalms.]

Luna: The question was rhetorical.

[The bell rings.]

Becca: Oops! Time to get the class! See you around, Luna~!

''[She giggles and skips off to class. Luna sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.]''

Sam: [clears her throat] So. You’re the nicest rockstar who ever lived now, huh? How does that feel?

Luna: [irritated] It feels like shut up and let’s get to class.

Guy Friend: [teasingly] That didn’t sound very n—

Luna: Don’t. Even. Start.

***

''[We cut to a montage of Luna’s day. First, she’s in class taking notes when she notices the classmate next to her drop their pen.]''

Luna: Oh, hey. Let me get that for…

[She stops short when she realizes that the classmate who dropped their pen is none other than Becca.]

Luna: …you.

Becca: [overly sweet] Really? You’d do that for little ol’ me? That is so nice of you, Luna. [she turns to the student next to her] Isn’t she just wonderful?

[Luna lets out a muted groan and slams the pen onto Becca’s desk.]

***

''[Next, Luna is in the cafeteria. She takes out a lunch bag and opens up a container of her father’s mac & cheese bites. Sam sits next to her, carrying a tray of typical cafeteria slop. Luna thinks for a moment before clearing her throat.]''

Luna: Uh, hey, Sam. Y-you want one of my mac & cheese bites? They’re pretty good.

Sam: [smiles] Oh, sure. Thanks, Lu—

''[Sam’s face clouds over with concern. Confused, Luna looks at where Sam is staring. Sure enough, Becca is there, grinning ear-to-ear.]''

Becca: How generous of you. Typical Luna Loud, always putting others before herself.

[Luna sighs and pushes the container over to Sam.]

Luna: On second thought, take ‘em all. I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.

***

''[The montage concludes with Luna in the hallway rummaging through her locker. She notices Luan walk by, looking a bit nervous.]''

Luna: What’s up, little sis?

Luan: They just announced this year’s school play. We’re doing Noises Off.

Luna: [raises an eyebrow] Sounds like something right up your alley. Why so nervous?

Luan: [twiddles her fingers] Well, I really want the role of Dotty, but I can’t do a cockney accent. And I just know Benny’s gonna get the male lead.

[After a beat, Luna smirks and places an arm around Luan’s shoulder.]

Luna: No worries, luv. I can teach ya how to speak cockney.

Luan: [smiles hopefully] You’d really do that for me?

Luna: ‘Course I would. You deserve that role, and I’m not gonna let a silly thing like that hold ya…

''[She trails off when she notices an extra pair of eyes looking at her. She turns and deadpans. Becca is staring at her, wide-eyed with wonder.]''

Luna: Um, do you mind?

Becca: Oh. Yeah. Sorry, just…  Ooh, I always get so giddy when you go out of your way to help your sister like that! Is it any wonder why you’re the greatest?

''[She skips off, humming to herself. Luan gives Luna a befuddled look.]''

Luan: Wasn’t that—?

Luna: [sighs] Yes, it was.

[Beat]

Luan: Has she been—?

Luna: Yes, she has.

[Beat]

Luan: Well, think of it this way. If you ever need a servant, she’ll probably be at your Becca-nd call. [laughs]

''[Luna groans and slams her head against her locker. Luan stops laughing and frowns.]''

Luan: Too soon?

Luna: [bluntly] Yep.

***

''[The next scene opens in the auditorium after school. Chunk is setting up the stage for Luna and her friends to practice. As he works, Luna is off to the side sulking. Chunk notices this.]''

Chunk: Rough day, luv?

Luna: You could say that.

[Beat]

Chunk: Wanna talk about it?

[Luna sighs and looks over at Chunk.]

Luna: Chunk, your band has been around for a while, right?

Chunk: Yeah.

Luna: Have you ever gotten a fan who’s, like, obsessed with you and everything you do?

[After a beat, Chunk lets out a hearty chuckle.]

Chunk: Well, not me personally, but I’m sure someone like Mick Swagger can relate. It’s kinda the price of stardom, or so I hear. Why? What’s wrong?

Luna: [sighs] There’s this new girl in school who’s been following me around all day. She claims to be my biggest fan.

Chunk: [shrugs] Doesn’t sound that bad. I’m guessing there’s more to this?

Luna: Oh, you have no idea. See, it’d be one thing if she just liked my music, but she doesn’t even talk about that. She just keeps going on and on about how nice I am.

[Chunk stops working and furrows his brow.]

Chunk: Okay, that sounds pretty fishy. And you just met her today?

Luna: Yesterday, actually. At Tabby’s birthday party. She wasn’t even one of Tabby’s guests; we just bumped into each other randomly.

Chunk: I see. Well, it’s not like she’s wrong. You are a pretty nice bird, if I do say so m’self.

Luna: I know, but does she have to make a big song and dance over every little thing I do? I’m serious, it’s like she’s lurking around and waiting for me to do something nice for someone just so she can jump in and shower me with praise.

Chunk: [raises an eyebrow] Oh, come now, luv. Don’t you think you’re being a little paranoid?

[Luna sighs and massages her temples.]

Luna: Yeah, maybe you’re right. I’m sorry, brah. It’s just been a really stressful day for me.

Chunk: No worries, luv. I get it. [he gets back to work] Well, I’m sure it’s nothing a quick jam session can’t fix.

Luna: [smirks] I hear that.

''[The doors to the auditorium open. Luna turns her head, expecting to see her friends. However, her smile fades when she sees that it’s Becca.]''

Luna: Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Chunk: What is it, luv?

Becca: There you are~! I’ve been looking all over for you!

Luna: Dude, aren’t your folks gonna get worried if you end up getting home late?

Becca: Aw~! Is someone worried about me? That is so you, Luna.

Luna: [folds her arms] Not an answer to my question.

Becca: Oh, it’s fine. I told my parents that I was going to a friend’s house for dinner. So, whatcha up to?

Luna: Just getting ready for a private jam session with my friends. Speaking of which, they should be here soon, so if you don’t mind…

[Becca gasps, her eyes sparkling.]

Becca: You mean you’re gonna put on a private concert just for me? That is so sweet of you!

Luna: [dumbfounded] Wha—? No, I didn’t…  How’d you even…?

Becca: That’s what I love about you, Luna. You always look after your fans.

Luna: Dude, I just said—

Becca: I know what you said. It’s just a private jam session for you and your friends. And I’m your biggest fan, so I think that qualifies.

Luna: Will you let me—?

Becca: You really didn’t have to go out of your way to do this for me, y’know. But, that’s just how you roll, isn’t it, Luna? I really wish more people were like you.

''[Luna tenses up and fights back the urge to scream. She then lets out a cleansing sigh.]''

Luna: Look, Becca. We weren’t exactly planning on you being here.

[Beat]

Becca: Oh~. I get it.

Luna: [skeptical] Get what?

Becca: You’re worried about hogging the spotlight from your friends. [giggles] You are just so modest. Well, don’t worry. I won’t make a fuss. You won’t even know I’m here.

[Luna’s jaw drops, and she starts sputtering incoherently.]

Becca: Welp, I’d better find myself a seat! This is so exciting~! You’re the best, Luna!

''[Becca prances off into the auditorium, leaving a flabbergasted Luna on the stage. She turns to Chunk, who appears to be quite concerned.]''

Chunk: Is that the bird you were just talkin’ about?

Luna: Uh-huh.

Chunk: Cor blimey. I’m beginning to see where you’re coming from. Want me to go deal with her?

Luna: Yeah, something tells me she’s not gonna listen to you, dude. Heck, she barely listened to me, and I’m the one she’s obsessing over. [sighs] I think I’m just gonna go home. Pass the word on to Sam and the others for me, will ya?

Chunk: Can do. [he then dips his voice] I’ll even let your little “friend” know that you’re, shall we say, under the weather? [he winks]

Luna: [smiles and nods] Thanks, Chunksky. I know I can always count on you.

[With that, Luna heads for the backdoor.]

***

''[We cut to Franklin Avenue as Luna is walking home. She keeps glancing over her shoulder every once in a while, worried that Becca is going to show up. Once she reaches her front doorstep, she sighs and shrugs.]''

Luna: Maybe Chunk’s right. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. [she places a hand on the door handle and prepares to open the door] I mean, there’s no way she’s gonna—

''[Her musing is interrupted by a familiar grunt behind her. She turns around and facepalms. Sure enough, it’s Becca, who is laying down on the sidewalk after tripping over a hockey stick Lynn probably left behind.]''

Becca: Ugh~. I am just such a klutz. [she gets up and dusts herself off before smiling at Luna] Hey there, Luna. How’re you feeling? Your roadie said you were under the weather.

[Beat]

Luna: O-oh, yeah. J-just a bit of laryngitis. Nothing too serious. [noisily clears her throat] But, what’re you doing here? I thought you said you were going to a friend’s house for dinner.

Becca: And I am.

[Beat]

Luna: So, why aren’t you at your friend’s house?

Becca: [giggles] Oh, you kidder. I am at my friend’s house.

[Luna’s eyes bug out as a realization hits her.]

Luna: Wait. Y-you don’t mean…

Becca: [sheepishly] I know. I probably should’ve said something earlier. But, I figured you wouldn’t mind. I mean, you’re always so thoughtful and generous.

[Luna lets out an uneasy groan.]

Luna: Look, I’m really flattered that you think the world of me, but—

Becca: Aw~. Thank you, Luna.

[Before Luna can say anything else, Becca opens the door and lets herself in.]

Luna: [sarcastically] Oh, sure. Th-that’s fine. Just… make yourself at home. [mutters under her breath] Not like I have a say in the matter…

''[Inside the Loud House, things are as lively as ever. Lynn is play-wrestling with Lana as Lunatic Lynn, Lucy is painting Lola’s princess car to resemble a hearse (much to Lola’s dismay), Leni is fiddling with a Rubik’s Cube while Lisa watches, Lori and Lincoln are playing video games, and Luan is giving Lily a piggyback ride. Becca stares at the scene.]''

Becca: Wow. And you have to live with this on a regular basis?

Luna: [scoffs] I wish. This is actually pretty tame compared to most days. I’d understand if you wanna just lea—

[Becca’s eyes sparkle.]

Becca: That is just so cool~! You are such a trooper, Luna!

''[Luna stares at Becca, her mouth agape. Becca’s exclamation catches the attention of the other siblings. While most of them appear confused, Luan’s face reflects a sense of dread.]''

Luan: Dum dee dum dum~.

[Lynn Sr. walks in from the kitchen.]

Lynn Sr.: Oh, hey, Lunes. You’re home early. I thought you were practicing with your friends today. [he looks over at Becca] Who’s this?

Luna: Uh, actually, she was just—

Becca: Oh, c’mon, Luna. No need to be shy! Go ahead and introduce me!

[Luna sputters awkwardly.]

Becca: Ah. I see. Need to rest your voice, huh? No worries. [she turns back to the rest of the family and waves] Hi~! I’m Rebecca Danvers, but most people call me Becca. I’m Luna’s biggest fan! And you guys must be her family band. It’s so nice to meet you all!

[There is an awkward pause, with Luna squirming and averting her eyes.]

Leni: Luna, are you okay? You don’t look so good.

Becca: Oh, she’s fine. Just a bit of laryngitis. That’s why she had to leave early. [sighs] It’s a shame, really. She was gonna put on a private concert for me and everything. [she then smiles at Luna] But inviting me over like this is a great way to make up for that. You are just so wonderful, Luna.

[Luna lets out a muted groan.]

Lynn Sr.: [sighs] Well, that’s very nice of you, Luna. But next time you change your plans like this, we’d appreciate a heads-up, okay?

Luna: Y-yeah, sure. Sorry.

Lynn Sr.: [smiles] Don’t worry about it. So, is there anything in particular your friend wants for dinner?

Becca: Oh, I’m sure anything Luna chooses is fine.

''[A few of the siblings give Luna a pointed look. Luna lets out a nervous chuckle and raises her hands defensively.]''

Luna: No no, th-that’s okay. Someone else can pick dinner. I-I don’t mind.

Becca: [practically swooning] Oh, Luna~. You are just so chivalrous.

Lisa: What does a medieval warrior’s code on honor in regards to combat have to do with Luna?

[Beat]

Lincoln: I don’t think that’s what she meant by chivalrous, Lisa.

Lisa: [shrugs] I know. I just felt like being pedantic to lighten the mood.

Luan: Yeah, don’t quit your day job, Lis’. Leave the comedy to the professionals.

Lynn Sr.: Are you sure about that, Lunes? I don’t want to make something your friend might be allergic to.

Luna: P-pretty sure, Pop-star. ‘Sides, I think it was Lynn’s turn to pick dinner, anyway.

Becca: [sighs whimsically] And honest, too. Isn’t she the greatest?

''[The siblings all stare at Luna. Luna’s face turns red as she forces a smile.]''

Luna: [through gritted teeth] Yep! That’s just how I roll! I’m just such a great person~! ''[she lets out an insincere laugh as she shuffles over to Lucy. Once she gets close, she dips her voice]'' Hey, uh, Luce? If you could just knock me out with a shovel and bury me in the backyard, that’d be great, thanks.

[Beat]

Lucy: I mean, I’m not entirely against the idea, but shouldn’t you want me to do that to her? [she points to Becca]

Becca: [tilts her head] Do what to me?

Luna: N-nothing!

[Lori sighs and massages her temples.]

Lori: Okay, I think that’s literally about all I can take. This calls for an impromptu sibling meeting.

Leni: Are you sure, Lori? I mean, like, Luna has a guest over. We can’t be rude.

Becca: Oh, I don’t mind. I’ll just wait here.

Luna: Um, well, these meetings can take a while. It might be a pretty long wait.

Becca: Oh. Well, any chance I can join you?

[Beat]

Lori: [turns to Luna] Is this girl for real?

Luna: At this point, your guess is as good as mine.

Lori: [clears her throat] Look, Becca, was it? This is a family matter. Last I checked, you’re not part of our family. We’ve literally never even met you before.

Becca: Well, why can’t Luna just make me an honorary sibling?

Luna: [muttering under her breath] I think I’d rather stick my finger into a beehive.

Lana: Ooh, I think I actually have one of those in my room!

Lynn: [facepalms] Oh, for crying out loud. Can’t you take a hint, pal?! You can’t be part of our sibling meeting, period!

[Beat]

Becca: [pouts] Well, that’s not very nice. Why can’t you be more like Luna?

[Luna moans and buries her face into her palms.]

Luna: [muffled] Anytime you wanna use that shovel is fine by me, Lucy. Just put me out of my misery.

Lucy: I still think she’s the one who needs to be buried in the backyard.

Lori: [scolding] Lucy, no one’s getting buried in the backyard. [she sighs and turns back to Becca] What we’re trying to say is… you kinda caught us at a bad time. Tonight’s really not a good night for us to be having company, even if Luna wanted to have you over.

[Becca thinks for a moment.]

Becca: Hmm. Okay. How about tomorrow, then?

[Everyone turns to Luna, who is making a slashing motion across her throat.]

Lori: Um, actually…

Becca: Great! I’ll be sure to bring something really special. Only the best for the best person in the world~! See you at school tomorrow, Luna~!

''[Becca skips out the door. Lynn Sr. shrugs.]''

Lynn Sr.: Well, that was… something. I’ll just go get dinner ready.

''[He goes back into the kitchen. After a beat, the siblings turn to Luna.]''

Lori: So. Care to explain what that was all about?

Luna: [sighs] Brace yourselves, dudes. It’s a long story…

***

''[We cut to the sibling meeting in Lori and Leni’s room. Luna has just finished explaining everything to her siblings.]''

Lola: So, let me get this straight. This new girl is following you around and worshiping you?

Luna: Yeah, more or less.

[Beat]

Lola: And that’s upsetting to you, why, exactly? I mean, I’d pay good money for someone to do that to me!

Luna: [sighs] Trust me, Lola. You don’t want this. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Leni: Then, like, why’d you invite her over?

[Luna groans and facepalms.]

Luna: [through gritted teeth] I didn’t invite her over; she invited herself over and just thought I’d be okay with it because I’m so nice.

[Beat]

Leni: Oh. Well, that’s a little assumptuous of her.

Lisa: You mean presumptuous, Leni.

Leni: Really? Huh. I always get those two confused.

Lisa: [deadpan] There’s an easy way to remember it, sibling. One’s an actual word; the other is not.

Lincoln: Let’s try to stay focused, guys. [he turns to Luna] So, this Becca girl is basically your version of Clyde?

Luna: [shakes her head] There’s no comparison, bro. At least Clyde has a life outside of Lori. This girl apparently has nothing better to do than to follow me everywhere and tell the world how great I am! The way that she’s going, she’s gonna crucify me!

Lori: Hmm. Sounds to me like you could really use our help.

Lynn: Ooh, I know! She’s stalking Luna ‘cause she thinks she’s nice, right? Well, maybe Luna can just put on a reverse act for her and scare her off!

Lincoln: What do you mean by a reverse act?

Lynn: Like, y’know. She can be all selfish, inconsiderate, maybe throw in a bit of a temper…

Luan: So basically, your plan is for Luna to act like herself?

[Everyone stares at Luan.]

Luan: That wasn’t a joke. [she turns to Luna] You do get like that sometimes. Trust me, I know. I’ve lived with you my entire life.

Lincoln: Still, I dunno, Lynn. I don’t think Luna should drag her own name through the mud just to get one girl to leave her alone. That sounds like overkill.

Lucy: I have a simple solution to this. [she brandishes a shovel]

[Beat]

Lynn: Speaking of overkill…

Lori: [pinches the bridge of her nose] For the last time, Lucy. You are not knocking her out and burying her in the backyard.

Lucy: Sigh. It’s what she deserves, as far as I’m concerned. [she puts her shovel away]

Leni: [sighs] Luna, have you tried sitting down with her and telling her that you feel this way?

Luna: Well, I would if she’d just let me get a word in edgewise. You all saw what she’s like.

Lana: Yeah, she was kinda pushy.

Lisa: And rather unobservant, might I add. She clearly did not pick up on your body language displaying your obvious discomfort.

Lori: Well, maybe you should be more direct with her, Luna. Don’t let her talk over you like that. If she really regards you as highly as you say she does, she needs to hear you out and understand that her behavior is not okay.

[Luna thinks about this for a moment and shrugs.]

Luna: Sounds like as good a plan as any. You really think she’ll listen to me?

Lori: [smiles] If she doesn’t, you’ll have me, Leni, and Luan to back you up.

Leni: Totes. You definitely deserve better than this from your fans.

Luan: She’s gonna get a firm stalking to one way or another. [laughs] Get it? [she then smiles warmly] But seriously, we’ve got your back, Luna.

''[The older siblings envelope Luna in a group hug. Lucy starts to leave.]''

Lincoln: Where are you going, Lucy?

Lucy: I’ll be getting a casket ready. Y’know, just in case.

***

''[We cut to the next day at Royal Woods High. As soon as she gets out of Vanzilla, Luna spots her friends waving her over. She dashes over to them, with Lori, Leni, and Luan trailing behind her.]''

Luna: Hey, guys. Sorry I had to bail on you yesterday.

Sam: It’s cool. Chunk filled us in. [sighs] I still can’t believe that fan of yours thought we were doing a private concert for her.

Luna: Oh, that’s not even the worst of it. She actually followed me home and thought I’d be cool with her coming over for dinner.

Guy Friend: Jeez, Luna. Did she also watch you sleep while she was at it?

Luna: At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised. [sighs] I’m really at the end of my rope, dudes. I’m planning on puttin’ an end to this today one way or another, but I just don’t know how much more I can take.

[Sam’s lips curl into a soft smile.]

Sam: Well, I know what’ll cheer you up, Lunes. How about after school, we have a real private jam session? Just you and me.

[Luna blushes.]

Luna: R-really? I mean, uh…  S-sure! Sure, that’d be… cool.

''[Sam lets out a giggle. Lori, Leni, and Luan look on with a dreamy look in their eyes.]''

???: Luna~! Hey, Luna!

''[Everyone perks up as a familiar voice makes itself known. Luan is the first to spot Becca making a beeline for Luna.]''

Luan: Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.

Leni: I thought her name was Becca.

Luan: Exactly. Trouble with a capital T, and that rhymes with B, and that stands for Becca.

Leni: Oh~. I get it now.

''[Lori gives Luan a perplexed look, to which Luan simply shrugs. Becca trips over some gravel and stumbles over to Luna, panting heavily.]''

Becca: H-hey. Sorry, I just… [she pauses to catch her breath] I was just up late last night wondering what to bring.

Luna: What to bring for what?

Becca: For when I come over for dinner, silly.

[Luna takes a deep breath and sighs.]

Luna: Actually, Becca, I’ve got plans with Sam tonight. But now that you’re here, I need to talk to you about—

Becca: [interrupting] Wait, you have plans?

Luna: Um, yeah. Sorry, but I never said you could come over tonight. You just assumed that—

Becca: And Sam is…

Sam: That would be me.

''[There is an awkward pause as Becca processes this. Suddenly, she lets out a delighted squeal, and her eyes sparkle.]''

Becca: Oh. My. Gosh! You’re actually going out on a date with a girl?! That is so progressive of you, Luna!

[Everyone present gawks at Becca, with both Luna and Sam turning completely red in the face.]

Lori: Did… did she literally just compliment Luna for being…?

Leni: I think she did.

Luan: [in a singsong voice] She probably shouldn’t have done that~.

Sam: Um, pff. Wow. J-just… wow. You uh…  You gonna be okay there, Lunes?

''[Luna doesn’t respond. She simply balls her hands into fists and scrunches her eyes shut, her entire body trembling with pent-up rage.]''

Luna: [chanting mentally] Don’t blow up, don’t blow up, don’t blow up…

''[She envisions a time bomb modeled after the skull symbol on her shirt. The timer displays the number ten.]''

Becca: Oh, you have no idea how envious I am of you, Sam! Congratulations! I think we can both agree that you could not ask for a better girlfriend than Luna!

Sam: [clearly uncomfortable] Uh, thanks? I guess?

[The timer ticks down to nine.]

Becca: Y’know, I always had a feeling Luna was like that. [she blushes] That is, I always dreamed she was like that. I mean, c’mon. A person as wonderful and kind as Luna Loud? Who wouldn’t fall for that?

[The timer ticks down to eight.]

Becca: Oh, Luna~. You are the most perfect person in the whole wide world. I could just kiss you right now!

[Luna’s eyes snap open, and the timer on the bomb skips down to three.]

Becca: [laughs] I’m kidding, I’m kidding~!

[The timer goes back to eight as Luna lets out a weary sigh.]

Becca: [shyly] I mean, unless you’re into it…

''[Luna’s eye twitches involuntarily. After a beat, the timer on the bomb displays the words “FORGET THIS”, and the bomb promptly detonates.]''

Luna: [livid] That is it! I have had it up to here with you, Rebecca Danvers! Seriously, what is your deal?!

[Everyone flinches from Luna’s outburst, with Becca practically tripping over herself.]

Becca: L-Luna, I…

Luna: No! I’m not letting you put words in my mouth again! You’re gonna shut up, and you’re gonna listen! Ever since I met you, you’ve been nothing but a constant pain following me wherever I go! Every step I take, every move I make, you’re just watching me!

Becca: I-I don’t watch you all the time…

Luna: Well, it sure feels like it! I’m just trying to go about my day, minding my own business, and the second I decide to be a decent human being to someone, there you are ready to give me a pat on the back and a freaking medal for it! Well guess what?! The world is full of decent human beings! What exactly makes me so dang special, huh?!

Becca: [whimpering] W-well, y-you’re a rockstar, too. A-and rockstars are usually so arrogant and self-absorbed, a-and they don’t care about their fans…

Luna: Oh, I see. That’s very interesting. Hey, y’know who else is a nice rockstar? Mick Swagger, the man who inspired me to take up the axe! And if I treated him the same way you’ve been treating me, he’d be well within his rights to give me a restraining order!

[Becca gasps and falls over, cowering before Luna.]

Luan: Ouch. I mean, she’s not wrong, but still. Ouch.

Becca: L-Luna, what’s gotten into you? Y-you don’t seem like yourself.

Luna: Oh, I don’t, do I? Why, because I’m not being nice?! Maybe you don’t deserve my niceness, Rebecca Danvers! You clearly don’t respect me; why should I respect you?!

Becca: [aghast] Wh-what’re you talking about? I-I respect you.

[Luna raises an incredulous eyebrow and crosses her arms.]

Luna: Really? You do, huh? Funny. You didn’t seem to show me any respect when you crashed my private jam session thinking we were putting on a concert for you. Or how about when you invited yourself into my home and embarrassed me in front of my family? Or how about just now when you made a freaking pass at me?! Does any of that sound like respect to you?!

Becca: I-I just thought…

Luna: You thought what?! That I’d be okay with it?! That I’d let it all slide just because I’m such a nice person?! Is that what you thought, Rebecca Danvers?!

''[Becca doesn’t respond. She simply lays on the ground and averts her eyes, whimpering and sniffling. Luna towers over her, a dark look on her face.]''

Luna: Well, listen up, sunshine. I’m not okay with it. I have enough to deal with in my life without you humiliating me everywhere I go. You, Rebecca Danvers, are no fan of mine. You’re nothing but a creepy stalker. And if I ever catch you following me again, I’m gonna… gonna…

''[Luna’s rage slowly dissipates. Once her vision clears, she realizes the state Becca is in. She looks around at her friends and family. They all appear concerned. Luna sighs and hangs her head.]''

Luna: Dang it.

''[Without another word, she leaves. Becca notices this and pulls herself up.]''

Becca: Luna, wait!

[Before she can give chase, Lori, Leni, and Luan block her path, causing her to stumble again.]

Lori: I think you’ve done quite enough. You heard Luna; she wants nothing to do with you. Stay away from our sister.

Becca: [pleading] P-please. I-I can explain all of this.

Luan: If you think we’re gonna buy that after the way you’ve been treating Luna, I’ve got a bridge to sell you in exchange.

[Leni’s brow furrows as she looks down at Becca.]

Leni: I dunno, guys. Maybe we should hear her out.

Lori: Stand your ground, Leni. Don’t let her manipulate you. Remember, Luna’s counting on us.

Leni: But look how hurt she is, Lori. And I don’t think she’s lying about it. I-I just got a feeling that we should give her a chance.

Lori: Leni, we can’t—

''[She stops short when Leni flashes puppy dog eyes at her. She sighs.]''

Lori: Fine. Do whatever you want. I’m gonna go check up on Luna. [she gives Leni a look] You are too nice for your own good, you know that?

''[Luan opens her mouth, as though poised to tell a joke. After a beat, she shakes her head.]''

Luan: Too easy. And probably inappropriate. I’m just gonna make sure ol’ Becca here doesn’t try anything funny.

Lori: Good.

''[Lori goes off after Luna. We pan over to Sam, who seems to be pondering everything that had transpired. After a beat, she follows Lori.]''

***

''[We cut to Luna, who is moping as she rummages through her locker. She lets out a deep sigh.]''

Luna: Well, that could’ve gone better.

[She hears a set of footsteps approach her and scowls.]

Luna: I thought I was pretty clear about how I feel about—

???: Luna, it’s me.

''[Luna turns around to see that it’s Lori. She sighs.]''

Luna: Oh. Sorry ‘bout that, brah. I thought you were… someone else.

Lori: It’s fine. [beat] Y’know, if you ask me, she got exactly what was coming to her. Heck, I’m surprised you didn’t punch her in the face.

[Luna looks at her hand for a moment and scoffs.]

Luna: I’m actually glad I didn’t do that. Can you imagine what a disaster that would’ve been? [she lets out a self-mocking chuckle, which soon dissolves into a sigh] I didn’t wanna hurt her, Lori. I-I just wanted her to stop.

Lori: I know. [she places a hand on Luna’s shoulder] Listen, don’t beat yourself up over it. Becca took your kindness for granted, and she pushed you too far. You had every right to get mad at her.

Luna: [glumly] Yeah, I guess. But I still wish I hadn’t blown up like that. And right in front of Sam, too. Who knows what she thinks of all this?

???: Oh, c’mon, Luna. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve seen you lose your temper.

''[Luna perks up and spins around. Sam is standing there with a small smirk on her face. Luna blushes.]''

Luna: O-oh, Sam! H-hey. Uh, listen, about what Becca said…  I mean, you know that I…  I-it’s okay if you…  I-I didn’t want…

''[Sam walks over and places her finger against Luna’s lips, silencing her. Her grin widens.]''

Sam: Luna, relax. It’s cool. I get it. [beat] Y’know, we’ve known each other for a while now. I’ve seen you at your best and at your worst. And yeah, I think in general, you are a nice person who’s fun to jam with. But that’s not really the main thing I like about you.

Luna: R-really? Then, what is?

Sam: It’s that you don’t make a big deal out of it. You just do what you feel is right. And yeah, you mess up sometimes. So does everyone. But you’re not afraid to admit that. You’re honest about who you are, and you embrace all of it, good and bad. And I say if you’re a true fan of Luna Loud, you gotta accept the entire canon.

[Luna starts getting all choked up.]

Luna: Wow. Y-you really get me, huh?

Sam: [blushes] Y-yeah. I guess I— whoa!

[Luna throws her arms around Sam, tears rolling down her cheeks.]

Luna: Thank you, Sam. Y-you have no idea how much I needed to hear that.

[Sam smiles and returns the embrace.]

Sam: I think I can hazard a guess.

''[After a pause, Leni and Luan show up. Becca is following them, her head hanging in shame. Lori looks over and raises an eyebrow. Before she can object, Leni clears her throat.]''

Leni: Uh, Luna? I-I know this isn’t the best time, but Becca has something to say to you. I think you should hear her out.

''[Luna and Sam look at each other for a moment. Sam shrugs. Luna sighs and turns to Becca.]''

Luna: Alright. I’m listening.

[Becca sighs and fiddles with her disheveled bangs.]

Becca: Luna, I just wanted to say that… I’m sorry for how I treated you. I didn’t mean to make you upset. You might’ve gathered this already, but the truth is… I’ve never been very good with people. I’m awkward, I’m clumsy, and… I have a tendency to come off as insensitive. I-it’s not on purpose; it’s just who I am. That’s actually why I transferred to Royal Woods High. I just couldn’t function at my previous school.

[Luna’s expression softens.]

Luna: Whoa. Dude, I-I’m sorry to hear that.

Becca: [sigh] I thought that a nice person like you wouldn’t have a problem with someone like me.

Luna: So, when you were following me around, you were just…

Becca: Trying to be friendly. Yeah, pretty much. And I failed miserably. I’m so sorry.

[Luna takes a moment to process this.]

Luna: Hey, I don’t think I ever asked. Why do you like me so much in the first place?

[Becca blushes and fiddles with her hair even more.]

Becca: W-well, I always did love music, but I never really felt a connection with musicians. It always felt like they were too important to pay attention to some little weirdo like me.

[Becca sighs whimsically.]

Becca: But then, at the Family Fun Fair, I saw you and your band. That song about the plastic bag floating through life… it felt like you were singing about me. And the moment I saw you let your dad have that cowbell solo, I knew you were someone special. I mean, why else would you do that if you weren’t just doing something nice for him?

I fell in love with that. And ever since that day, I considered myself to be your biggest fan.

''[After a beat, Luna lets out a soft chuckle. The other Loud siblings chortle as well. Becca blinks in confusion.]''

Becca: Wh-what’s so funny?

[Luna takes a moment to collect herself.]

Luna: Let me tell you a little story about that concert, luv. See, a few days before, I got a call from Chunk saying that Mick Swagger, the Mick Swagger, was scouting for talent during the fair. I wanted to impress him so badly that I got really bossy and uptight. It got to the point where my family wasn’t having fun anymore, and I ended up pushing them all away. But without them, I just lost my creative spark. I was about to show up at that fair with nothing.

Becca: [gasps] Oh my! So, what happened?

Luna: I ended up talking to a mysterious stranger at a diner, and he reminded me of what Mick himself said once. Rock ’n roll isn’t about being the best; it’s about having fun. So, I made up with my family, and, well, you know the rest.

[Beat]

Becca: Huh. That’s… not something I’d expect from you. Why did you tell me that?

Luna: [smirks] To show you that I’m not as perfect as you think I am. Though I think you picked up on that already. [sighs] Becca, I know I have a reputation for being nice. I don’t have a problem with that. My problem is when people think that’s all there is to me. But really, I just try to treat people the way I wanna be treated. I think you should do the same.

[Beat]

Becca: Um, okay. I-I’ll try. Thanks for listening. Again, I’m so sorry about everything.

Luna: It’s cool, brah. And hey, I’m sorry for snapping at you like I did. I should’ve handled that better.

Becca: Don’t worry about it. I probably had that coming, anyway. [chuckles shyly] But it’s still very nice of you to say that.

Luna: [smirks] Well, I try. I don’t always succeed, but I try. [she holds out her hand to Becca] Friends?

[Becca looks at Luna’s hand and smiles.]

Becca: Sure. And for what it’s worth, I wish you and Sam the best.

''[The two of them shake hands. Becca then waves goodbye and walks off.]''

Sam: Well, all’s well that ends well.

Luan: Yeah. Now we just need to let Lucy know so that she doesn’t try to knock Becca out with her shovel.

Leni: [smirks at Lori] See? I told you she wasn’t so bad.

Lori: [sighs] Yeah, yeah. No need to rub it in.

[The bell rings.]

Luna: And that’s our cue. Peace out, dudes.

''[Everyone moves off to their classes, with Luna and Sam walking side-by-side. Luna takes out her phone.]''

Sam: Who’re you calling?

Luna: My dad. I need to let him know that I’ll be with you tonight. I don’t want him to worry.

[Beat]

Sam: [giggles] That is very thoughtful of you, Luna.

Luna: [chuckles and shrugs] Like I said, I try.

The End

Triva

 * The title of this tale is a reference to the Paul Simon song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.
 * The name of Luna's stalker, Rebecca Danvers, is a reference to the Daphne du Maurier novel/Alfred Hitchcock thirller Rebecca, in which the antagonist is also an obsessed stalker.
 * When Luna complains to her siblings about Becca, she references the song The Ballad of John and Yoko by The Beatles.
 * When Luna chews out Becca for her behavior, she references the song Every Breath You Take by The Police.
 * I toyed with the idea of making Becca a degranged sociopath who wanted to blackmail Luna into being nice, but I figured that would be a bit too on-the-nose, so I went for the sympathetic angle instead.