User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: Missing Linc (Chapter 20)

Chapter 20: Confrontation: Papa Wheelie
With the help of the workers, we managed to find the control room. Just as Chandler said, the two stinkers were hiding beneath one of the panels. When they saw us bust in, they jumped and yelped. Gee, it’s almost as if they didn’t expect to see us.

“Wh-what’re you doing here?!” Flat Tire stammered. “I thought you were…”

“Were what? Trapped in that sewage tunnel?” Luna interrupted.

Papa Wheelie gulped. “L-look, this is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“Drop the act, Wheelie,” Rusty snarled. “We’re not stupid.”

“Shut it, Spokes! You’ve got nothing on us!” Flat Tire barked back.

“Maybe not, but we do,” I said, blowing some bubbles out of my bubble pipe. “I mean, why else did you ditch us in that sewage tunnel?”

Papa Wheelie let out a nervous chuckle. “Oh, that? Th-that was just one of my jokes. We bikers love a good prank, don’t we, Flat Tire?”

Flat Tire gave his boss a blank look. “We do?”

Papa Wheelie deadpanned and elbowed Flat Tire in the stomach. Ah, the ol’ Henchman-Doesn’t-Know-the-Ruse routine. Always a classic.

“O-oh, right!” Flat Tire said. “We sure do!”

Yeah, I buy that for all of zero seconds. These two can call themselves harps all they want, but I know a couple of lyres when I see ‘em (ooh, that’s a good one!  I have to remember to tell that to Luna later).

“Oh really? This was just a prank, huh?” I said. “Well, I happen to know a thing or two about pranks. How’s about you let us in on the joke? Just from one prankster to another.”

Papa Wheelie nodded. “U-uh, sure. No prob.”

Yep. That confirms it; he’s lying through his teeth. Anyone in the comedy business can tell you that if you have to explain the joke, there is no joke. And I’m not spotting any joke here. Although I can tell these two are up to some funny business (hahahaha~!  Get it?). All we have to do is find out what that biz is.

Argument: It’s Just a Prank, Bro

“We heard that Chandler had a bit of a surprise for that wimpy brother of yours at this party,” said Papa Wheelie. “When you two showed up instead, we thought it’d be funny to play a little joke on you. But Spokes here got the wrong idea and tried to ruin everything. Besides, you got out of the place okay, so no harm done.”

Oh geez, where to start? I know I can go overboard with my own pranks, but locking someone in a sewer is where I draw the line. Seriously, Luna could’ve died! I-I don’t know what I’d do with myself if that…

Mmph. Calm down, Luan. No used crying over milk that hasn’t even been spilt. You’ve got an argument to pick apart. Let’s make sure we’re all on the same page here.

“So, you think ditching us in a sewer is funny, do you?” I asked, blowing some bubbles out of my bubble pipe.

“H-hey, Chandler’s the one who brought you down there,” said Papa Wheelie. “He’s the one to blame for this, not us.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Sounds to me like you’re changing your story.”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Well, if you were making fun of Chandler’s little surprise, wouldn’t that have been a joke at Chandler’s expense?” I asked.

Papa Wheelie blinked. “Why would we wanna prank that guy? He’s not the wimp here.”

“Yeah, Chandler’s a cool kid,” said Flat Tire. “Who else can throw a rockin’ party like this?”

Aaaaand it goes right over their heads. Not only are they bad liars; they’re also terrible at comedy.

“So, you guys think Chandler is cool and Lincoln isn’t. Is that it?” asked Luna.

Papa Wheelie scoffed. “And what if it is? You gonna bop me one?”

“Don’t tempt me,” Luna growled through gritted teeth.

Yeesh. Luan usually doesn’t get super mad, but when she loses her temper, she really loses her temper. Not that I blame her; anyone would be in a bad mood after falling into a river of raw sewage. But this isn’t gonna get us anywhere.

“Y’know, if this was a prank, you could’ve fooled us,” I said. “I mean, as a professional prankster myself, I can tell you that what you did was shoddily put together and unnecessarily cruel. Not to mention dangerous.”

Papa Wheelie shrugged. “So? That’s what pranks are.” “Exactly,” Flat Tire chimed in. “We’ve seen tons of videos online.”

…

I’m not dignifying that. Honestly, the less I say about the schlock amateurs try to pass off as pranks, the better. Let’s put an end to this little charade, shall we?

“See, here’s the thing,” I said. “If this was really meant to be a prank, then how do you explain what happened when we bumped into each other?”

Papa Wheelie blinked. “Uh, what?”

I sighed. “It looks like I have to jog your memory. Does the phrase ‘big bait catches big rat’ ring any bells?”

Papa Wheelie suddenly flinched. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really? Then why were you so eager to take this from us?”

I took out the skeleton key from my pocket. Flat Tire bolted and tried to grab it.

“G-give that back!” he bellowed.

What he didn’t know is that I’ve had years of experience keeping stuff out of the reach of my younger siblings. I held his head in place while he flailed his arms.

“Remember now, Papa Wheelie?” I said. “When you bumped into us in that tunnel, you tried to get this from us. And y’know what else?”

“What?”

“When you came along, we just got through talking to Chandler about a couple of troublemakers breaking into Royal Woods Middle School a couple of days ago. I have a feeling those troublemakers are none other than you two!”

“Y-you can’t prove that!”

“Then why are you so set on getting this key, huh?”

“Th-that’s none of your business!”

Rusty sighed. “Wheelie, c’mon. She’s got you pegged. Just admit it.”

“Butt out, Spokes!”

Wow, for someone who claims that he did nothing wrong, Papa Wheelie sure looks steamed. No, really, I think I can see steam coming out of his ears. Y’know, getting upset like that only makes you look more suspicious, buckaroo.

“J-just give it back!” Flat Tire roared, stilling clawing at the key. “Th-that key doesn’t mean anything to you!”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” I said. “See, Chandler says he found this key in the sewer last night. He broke into Royal Woods Middle School using it because he’s a big copycat who thought you two were cool.”

“Yeah, and because of that, he thought the key would fit into any lock,” said Luna. “But when he tried to open an access tunnel for us, the key didn’t fit. Which means that key belongs to Royal Woods Middle School!”

“Ah~!”

Papa Wheelie flinched, his face as white as a sheet. Looks like he can’t refute that.

“Y-you still don’t have anything on us,” he said. “So what if we busted into that school? You have no idea what we were doing there, and we ain’t gonna tell you. So nyah~.”

I just gave him a look. “So, you basically just admitted that you and Flat Tire broke into Royal Woods Middle School a couple of days ago.”

It took a second for the dim bulb to finally brighten, but once Papa Wheelie figured it out, he was shaking like a leaf. “Um…”

“Don’t go telling us sweet little lies, mate. We know the truth,” said Luna, folding her arms. “So how about you make this easier on yourselves and spill the rest of it? What were you doing at that school?”

“W-we don’t gotta say nothing!” Flat Tire protested. “N-now give us that key!”

Wow, he’s persistent. I pressed a button in one of my pockets, causing a trick flower to spray him with water. That got him to back off. You can’t say I didn’t come prepared.

“If you guys aren’t going to tell them the truth, then I will,” said Rusty firmly.

Papa Wheelie stared at Rusty for a moment. He then smirked and straightened himself out.

“C’mon, Spokes. No one’s gonna believe you,” he said. “Remember, it’s our word against yours.”

That’s not gonna help you guys. At this point, I trust Rusty more than you two knuckleheads.

“How about this?” I said. “Why don’t you explain why Rusty’s so upset with you guys?”

Papa Wheelie sneered. “Gladly.”

Oh, he does not know what he just agreed to. Sure, I can just ask Rusty to give his take, but that’s not nearly as fun. I’d rather watch the bad guy tangle himself up with his own web of lies.

“Dude, I don’t think we’ve got time for this,” Luna whispered. “We’ve wasted too much time here already.”

I sighed. “Fine. I’ll let you take this one. But I’m holding you back if you try to get rough. We’re just gonna get into more trouble and waste more time if you end up cleaning their clocks.”  I laughed. “Get it?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “For the record, those jokes are just wasting time, too.”

“Touché,” I conceded. “Alright, Wheelie. Let’s hear that testimony.”

Papa Wheelie scoffed and cleared his throat. I saw Rusty silently stewing in the corner. I’m pretty sure he’ll be more than willing to set the record straight if Papa Wheelie gets anything wrong, but I know Luna. She’s seeing right through this horse hockey, and she’s having none of it.

Testimony: Rusty’s Beef

“Rusty’s just butthurt ‘cause we made his girlfriend cry,” said Papa Wheelie. “But see, that wasn’t our fault. We just talked to her yesterday because we thought she’d be interested in doing a little something for us. We had no idea she’d be so unreasonable. She actually tried to attack us just for asking! If anything, we’re the good guys here!”

Rusty scowled. “That’s not how I remember it.”

I’m right there with you, Rusty. This whole thing stinks more than the entire sewage treatment plant. But here’s the kicker: how’re we gonna prove it? They’re not gonna back down just based on Rusty’s word alone. I looked to Luna to see if she had any ideas. She simply took in a deep breath and approached the two stinkers.

“I wasn’t aware that Rusty had a girlfriend,” she said.

“Well, he does,” said Flat Tire. “Her name’s Polly Pain.”

Polly Pain. Isn’t that the girl Lynn set Lincoln up with at the Sadie Hawkins dance? I looked over at Rusty, and he nodded.

“Yep. Polly and I have been going steady for a while now,” he said.

“Then, why do you still like a desperate Ladies’ Man every time we see you?” I asked.

Rusty chuckled. “Hey, I can’t help it if I’m irresistible.”

Spare me. Still, I think that whole Ladies’ Man routine is just an act at this point. After all, he is going out of his way to defend his girlfriend’s honor.

“So what did you want Polly to do, exactly?” asked Luna.

Papa Wheelie looked off to the side and twiddled his fingers. “Th-that’s personal.”

I expected Luna to belt him right then and there, but instead, she shrugged.

“Fine,” she said, turning to Rusty. “Rust, did Polly tell you what these blighters wanted?”

“Yeah,” said Rusty with a nod. “She said they needed protection from someone. Apparently, that someone found out that they broke into Lynn’s school, and they were gonna snitch on ‘em.”

“Sh-she’s lying! Why’re you so quick to trust that dame over your old buddies?!” Papa Wheelie barked.

“Maybe it’s because she had proof that you two were up to no good,” Rusty retorted.

Papa Wheelie crossed his arms. “Alright then, Spokes. Where is this proof? Oh, wait. You don’t have it, do you?”

“Well, not on me, no,” Rusty admitted. “But…”

“But nothing,” Flat Tire interrupted. “If you can’t prove what we did, then we didn’t do anything.”

“Except for breaking into Lynn’s school,” I said.

Papa Wheelie scoffed and shrugged his shoulders. “You still don’t know what we did there, and you have no way of showing it. Face it, Spokes is just acting all butthurt about his crazy gf and taking it out on us.”

…

Y’know, I could say something right now, but it’d only be censored. So I’m gonna go with the old standby: Dang it. I mean, as much as I hate to admit it, he has a point. None of the evidence we have even suggests what they were doing at that school, and if we just bring up what we heard in that argument earlier, it’s just gonna be our word against theirs. This is trickier than I thought. C’mon, there has to be something we’re missing.

“You really expect us to buy all that? Not ruddy likely, mate.”

I turned to Luna. She had a sly smirk on her face. Did she figure something out?

“You’re bluffing,” said Papa Wheelie. “I’ve said it a million times: you’ve got nothing.”

“Then what was the deal about that scrap of paper you took from Luan, huh?” said Luna.

Flat Tire sneered. “It’s just a blank scrap of paper. What could you possibly get from that?”

“If I recall correctly, you got all panicky when you saw that paper wasn’t what you thought it was,” said Luna. “And after that, you claimed that Rusty’s girlfriend had something to do with it. So, what was on the original paper?”

“L-like we’re gonna tell you!” Papa Wheelie snapped.

Luna shrugged. “Fine. Have it your way.”  She then turned to Rusty. “Rusty, did Polly give you a piece of paper?”

“Yeah. It was a note,” said Rusty.

“Uh-huh. And what did the note say?”

“It said if Papa Wheelie and Flat Tire wanted to get parts in the Full House Gang movie, they just had to steal the Royal Woods Roosters’ football signals.”

“Lies! You can’t prove it said that!”

Is it just me, or was Papa Wheelie a bit too quick to deny that? Luna noticed it, too.

“Well well. Now this is getting interesting,” she mused.

“Wh-what’re you talking about?”

“Luan and I overheard Rusty reading you the Riot Act during this poor excuse for a party,” Luna explained. “He mentioned someone named Lynnsanity, and that you two betrayed her. Turns out Lynnsanity was the leader of your little biker gang before it dissolved. And you know what else?”

“Wh-what?”

“Our sister Lynn just so happens happens to be a star player on the Royal Woods Roosters. Now, why would Rusty get so steamed over you two betraying Lynnsanity after you stole the signals for the Royal Woods Roosters? I can only think of one reason, and it’s that Lynnsanity is your gang’s nickname for Lynn!”

“Ack~!”

Papa Wheelie stumbled back, nearly crashing into the control panel behind him. I think Luna just hit the nail on the head. Although if Papa Wheelie was smart, he’d probably just deny the whole thing and say it was just a coincidence. Not that we would’ve bought it; we know better.

“I think I can piece together what’s going on here,” I said, blowing some bubbles out of my bubble pipe.

“Lay it on us, little sis,” said Luna. “Whatcha thinkin’?”

I nodded. “It’s elementary, my dear Luna. A couple of days ago, these two stinkers get a note from someone claiming they can get them parts in the new Ace Savvy movie. Being the gullible troublemakers they are, they accepted the offer and did as they were told. However, they got caught by some sort of snitch, and they needed protection. So they went to Rusty’s girlfriend Polly Pain, who refused their offer.”

I took out the key again. “Once it was apparent that they had no protection from this snitch, they figured the best thing they could do was get rid of the evidence. They flushed this little beauty down the toilet, only for Chandler to fish it out.”

“But why didn’t they do the same with the note?” asked Rusty. “Why was it still on them?”

“Elementary again,” I said, blowing a few more bubbles. “That note must’ve been their only point of contact with whoever gave them this job. They needed to say in contact with them to complete the transaction!”

“But Polly managed to steal it from them and swap it out with that bit of scrap,” said Luna. “That’s how she proved to Rusty that these two weren’t on the level.”

“And that’s not all,” I said. I jabbed my bubble pipe at the two stinkers. “You two know something about Lincoln going missing, don’t you? You said as much when Rusty tried to confront you over this.”

“Y-you can’t prove that we know anything!” Flat Tire blurted out.

I gave them a sly grin. “Hey, I’ve got a joke for you. How do you turn a couple of turkeys into stool pigeons?”

Papa Wheelie blinked. “Um, I don’t know. How?”

“You make them sing,” I said with a dry laugh. “Get it? Well, you don’t yet, but you will.”  I turned to Luna. “How about it, musical sister of mine? Care to give these two singing lessons?”

Luna snorted and pounded her fist into her palm. “I thought you’d never ask, Lu’. Just hold me back from doing any real damage, yeah? After what they pulled, I really feel the urge to cut footloose!”

“Y-you can’t do that!” Papa Wheelie sputtered. “W-we’re gonna tell on you!”

Rusty smirked. “Then I guess it’s just gonna be your word against ours.”

“And considering the state you left Luna in, you don’t really have a leg to stand on,” I added. “So how about you just fess up already?”

Papa Wheelie and Flat Tire shivered as Luna loomed closer and closer. She drew back her fist, ready to wallop them good. Suddenly, they bolted.

“Scatter~!” Papa Wheelie yelped.

I saw that coming a mile away. As they ran around like a couple of loons, I took out a banana peel and dropped it on the ground. Flat Tire slipped and fell. Seconds later, Papa Wheelie tripped over his accomplice. The two of them lay in a heap, unable to do anything.

“There’s no way out of that slip-up,” I said with a laugh.

Luna just gave me a look. “Whoa. You thought of everything.”

I blushed. “Eh, don’t give me that much credit. I didn’t think they’d go so far as to try and trap us in the sewer, after all.”

“Point taken,” said Luna. She then glared at the two stinkers. “Alright, here’s the stich. You guys tell us what you know about Lincoln disappearing, or I’m gonna shove your heads up your bums. Unless you like the idea of spending the rest of your lives running around on all fours looking for the light switch, you’d better start talking.”

“A-alright! We give, we give!” Papa Wheelie relented.

Luna nodded and backed off. Honestly, I don’t know if she really was planning to hurt them, but like I said before, I wouldn’t blame her if she thought about it.

“Look, we don’t know where that note came from,” said Papa Wheelie. “It was just given to us by this weird lady we never saw before. All we know is that whoever wrote the note gave us the key to Royal Woods Middle School, and they said they’d give us parts in their new Ace Savvy movie if we did this job for them.”

“Yeah, but then that little snitch Sweetwater overheard us talking about it and threatened to tattle on us!” said Flat Tire. “We went to Rusty’s girl to scare Sweetwater off, ‘cause we heard she was a tough cookie. We didn’t peg her for being a jerk and refusing us, though.”

Wait a second. Sweetwater? As in Lindsey Sweetwater? Was Lola actually onto something?

“What did Sweetwater want from you?” I asked.

“Sh-she wanted us to nab Lincoln,” said Papa Wheelie.

Luna’s face darkened. “So you’re the ones who kidnapped him. I’ve been looking to seek and destroy the culprit all day!”

“I-it’s not what you think!” Papa Wheelie exclaimed. “Someone else beat us to him last night!”

Hmm. That sounds rather… convenient. Too convenient.

“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” I said, taking out my feather. “Don’t make me use this.”

“Actually, I can vouch for ‘em on this one.”

We turned to Rusty, who also had a dark look on his face.

“After Polly told me about what happened, I tried to confront them about it last night,” he said. “When they weren’t at home, I figured they were doing some late-night riding. I eventually found them stalking out Acorn Street.”

“Hang on. That’s where Lisa said Lincoln’s bike was found!” said Luna.

“There’s a reason for that,” Rusty said grimly. “See, before I could talk to Papa Wheelie and Flat Tire, I saw Lincoln coming down the street. I was about to call out to him, but these two cut me off. And while they were distracted by me, two big palookas just up and nabbed Lincoln. I didn’t get a good look at ‘em, but after what Polly told me, I knew something was up.”

“I see. And instead of going to the police, you came here to get these two to… what? Apologize?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“I figured these two knew more than what they told Polly, and if Lincoln was in danger, I had to find out what they were hiding,” said Rusty. “I told Polly to go to Hazeltucky with that note so that she could warn Lynn about this treachery.”

“So you knew that she swiped our note the whole time!” Papa Wheelie barked. “You’re dead meat, Spokes! You and that crazy girl of yours!”

Luna scowled. “The way I see it, you two aren’t exactly in a position to be threatening anyone.”

Indeed, she was right. Physically, they’re just tangled up in one another, and any excuse they can come up with now is not gonna cut it.

“You mentioned that a weird girl gave you the note,” I said, taking out a damp notepad. “Can you give us a description?”

“L-look, we ain’t never seen her before,” said Papa Wheelie. “We just know she was dressed weird. I think she was into goth or punk or whatever.”

Hmm. That’s not enough to go on. I guess observation is not this guy’s strong suit. I mean, clearly it isn’t; otherwise he would’ve seen this whole mess crashing down on his head long ago.

“Looks like they’ve got nothing else we can use,” Luna sighed. “Bogus.”

“Let me guess. This is the part where you beat us up, right?” asked Papa Wheelie, sneering at Luna. “‘Cause y’know, there are adults around. They’re not gonna like seeing you picking on little kids.”

Luna let out a deep-throated snarl and trembled with rage. Before she could say anything, Rusty smirked and took out his phone.

“Actually, this is the part where I call your parents and tell them what you’ve been up to,” he said. “And thanks to Luna and Luan here, I’ve got the evidence I need to prove it. It’s not just gonna be my word against yours.”

Papa Wheelie blanched. “N-no! Anything but that! C’mon, Spokes! W-we can get you a part in the movie, too! You used to be cool, Spokes! What happened to you?!”

Rusty shook his head. “I grew up. Maybe you should, too.”

Ooh~! That was a sizzlingly sick burn! Maybe getting a girlfriend of his own has helped Rusty grow a little. I wouldn’t know; I don’t see him that much. All I do know is that there’s not much else we can do here.

“Looks like the party’s over,” said Luna. “Lu’, you mind callin’ Chunk and telling him to get the van ready? I can’t use my phone after, well…”

“Say no more. I’m on it,” I said. I then sighed. “Well, this was a wash.”

Luna frowned. “Yeah, I kinda feel ya on that, Luan. But at least we know that this Full House Gang movie has something to do with Lincoln getting nabbed, and we managed to expose these two blighters.”

“But we still don’t know where Lincoln is, or what any of this means,” I said with a sniffle. “Y-you almost bit the big one for next to nothing, Luna. Even Lucy would say that’s too dark.”

I let out a sad laugh, but at this point, I’m only kidding myself. I’d come up with another pun or something, but I think I already used all of my best material when Luna came to. I’ve got nothing else to make this funny. B-but I have to. I-I don’t wanna think about…

Luna suddenly pulled me into a hug.

“Luan, it’s okay,” she cooed. “I’m not going anywhere. In fact, you’re probably the reason I’m still here. You came back for me, after all.”

Well, I can’t argue with that. And I’d do it all again. I may be a prankster, but my jokes are meant to entertain, not to hurt people. I know that’s hard for most people to believe given my April Fool’s Day track record, but trust me. I know where to draw the line, and I still love my family with all my heart.

“Dang right I did,” I said, returning Luna’s embrace. “And we’re going to save Lincoln, too.”

“Well said,” said Luna. “Welp, it’s time we were homeward bound. Maybe the others found something we missed.”

I nodded and unlocked my phone. “Here. You call Chunk. I don’t know his number.”

Luna nodded and took my phone from me. As she explained everything to Chunk, I just got lost in my thoughts. This is a lot more complicated than I thought it’d be. Who would sabotage Lynn’s football game like that? Who were the shadows that swiped our little Linky? And furthermore, where even is he?

Well, for what it’s worth, we at least learned more of this cruel joke. Now we just need the other pieces so that we can deliver the punchline. Hahahahaha~! Get it?

…

But seriously, whoever did this to Lincoln and made us go on this wild goose chase is gonna get their goose cooked. And if push comes to shove, I might just have to break out the umbrella and walnuts after all. This bozo has no idea who they’re messing with…

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