User blog:InklingBear/Life of Pets - Post-Terrier

Story #12 - Post-Terrier
 8:00am 

It's a bright and early Monday morning down in the great old neighborhood of Royal Woods. The Loud siblings as well as the parents were nowhere to be found inside the household as they were still on their vacation they worked so hard on for months. Sure they might have stumbled across a few situations they needed to get out of but they still managed to make it to their hotel rooms in time for the very next day. Surely the eleven siblings, especially Lana and the two parents might have at least wondered how the pets were doing without them as they were hundreds of miles away from the four animals.

Outside next to the house was Charles' doghouse. The white dog was sleeping peacefully with nothing surrounding him disturbing the snoozing animal. For a while, there were birds chirping in the trees, but Charles didn't seem to mind them at all. All he wanted was to just live his wonderful life as a majestic and wonderful American bulldog.

Subtle footsteps approached towards the Loud house, along with some whistling that sounded nothing like the birds from the tree. Nope, it was totally different. Charles slightly opened up one of his canine eyes to take a look at whoever was walking down the sidewalk.

It's a mailman, doing his daily duty by putting mail into people's mailbox. As the man walked closer to the front door of to the Loud house to drop off some mail, Charles perked his head up and promptly prepared himself to make his little move. "Alright dog," he smirked, squinting his canine eyes as he grew more fixated on the human being. "The perfect wake up call. It's time to take a good bite out of some mailman butt."

The white pup was completely fixated on the backside of the mailman as if he was participating in an old western duel at high noon. Why would he feel the need to bite down on a person's derrière just for simply doing their jobs as mailmen? Was there a long lasting feud between those type of people and dogs? What did they do to those sweet and docile house animals that happened to influence all of the dogs worldwide to tear them apart? The answer to all of the above, is extremely simple, yet very laconic to state at least from the five word answer from the white pup.

"It's what we dogs do!" Charles said to the readers before he charged at an innocent and unsuspecting mailman. As he was a dozen feet away from the human being, the man turned around and saw the white canine. He jumped up a few inches before he sank his teeth into one of his buttocks.

CHOMP!

The man yelped out as he was in pain for quite a few seconds. Charles dug deep into the cotton of the mailman's pants before he tore a good piece of it off as he tugged on him as hard as he could. The result of the white canine's vicious attitude left the mailman feeling a good draft on his hindquarters, as the animal managed to expose a portion of his heart imprinted boxer briefs from behind. He ran away from the porch and into his mail truck soon after, whimpering in defeat as his face slowly turned pink from humiliation before he drove off into the horizon, presumably to another house down the street.

Charles was left with a stubborn scowl expression on his face as he felt very proud for what he had accomplished today. Victory belonged to the dogs for this round today as he spat the torn piece of denim out of his drooling mouth.

"That's right, keep on runnin'." the canine said under his breath. "Ya don't stand a chance when I'm around. That's why they call me the bull dog." He soon squinted his eyes and snorted like a majestic bull that had just bested a well trained matador for the first time in its life.

Minutes later, inside the living room was Cliff, Geo and Walt, watching the television screen as usual whenever the family of thirteen isn't around. This time, they had pretty boring expressions across each of the animal's faces. A program about something completely new is currently being premiered on the screen.

''A boy was looking at the front door of a friend's house with the saddest expression he could show on his face. He was to the point of shedding some remorseful tears as he had just been singled out by the five teenage boys he thought were his friends. He threw his head down in pitiful shame before the teens became fixated on the boy's sorrowful face, glaring deeply as one of the boys threw the door shut.''

''He slowly sighed. "I guess I brought this upon myself..." the boy said to himself "All of this ruckus over a dumb old plan. And it backfired, hard."''

''He grabbed onto one of the cherries from his front pocket as he stared deep down into it as if it had a soul, but it reminded him of something he had yet to live down. He closed his hands as tightly as he could until the cherry popped directly in the palm of his hand, partially painting his shirt in its red fluids. He had to be strong. There was no chance that he could fix the pain that occurred between the boys from that point onward. It was time for him to move on.''

''"I don't need them," he said. "I bet I can find better friends than those... mean spirited jerks. They'll see! They'll wish they had treated me better than this!"''

He ran as far away as he could from the house, fighting back his own tears with each step.

The three pets all looked at each other as if they had thought of something that fit quite the topic that was being portrayed on the animated rectangular picture. "You know what this reminds me of, you guys?" Geo asked.

"If it's about those hundreds of dumb rewrites about Lovesick Nightmares, I'd rather not hear it." Walt bluntly answered.

"At least now, most of the human beings musta got over that already, unlike some people." Cliff added, while slightly irritated. "...Though I wish they could at least cut the writer some slack. I mean, they even wanted that episode banned at some point. It's not like they're intentionally tryin' ta get stuff past the censors or somethin', they're just doin' their job!"

"I feel really bad for them." Geo said. "Really, I do."

"Same here, Ham." Walt responded. "But you know what they say? There's no pleasing everyone."

Geo slightly tilted his head to the left. "Where'd you learn that from?"

Walt flew on top of Cliff's head, looking down upon him in praise. The moment Geo found out from the bird's answer influenced a feel good smile on the brown hamster's face. "Oh! That's sweet!" he responded before he looked around the living room for Charles, who was nowhere to be found. "Anyway, have you guys seen the dog around anywhere?"

The short and simple question influenced Cliff and Walt to do the same action Geo performed just a few seconds prior. They couldn't manage to find the white animal in their peripheral visions.

"I dunno, Ham." Cliff responded.

"I bet he's probably outside, chewing on his butt." Walt added.

"Not exactly there, bird!" Charles answered from the dining room interior as he set paw inside the living room seconds after his little stand of bravery, holding the piece of denim he tore off a mailman earlier in the morning. The three pets turned their attention to the dog, walking towards them at a slow pace with a mad grin on his face.

"I done got into a standoff with a mailman today." the dog spat. "And I gotta say, I did 'em dirty. He ain't no match fer me."

Cliff smirked for a small second. "Don't ya mean... ya denim dirty?" He chuckled to such an awkward pun he pulled off. Walt and Geo facepalmed as fast as lightning as Charles stood there puzzled, watching the black feline amuse himself before his chucking died down after.

"Um... interestin' wordplay I suppose?" Charles said.

"Thanks, dog!"

"He hangs with the one responsible for shaving us all naked that one time a lot." Walt said as he pointed to the cat.

"What an embarrassin' sight ta look back on..." Cliff mumbled to himself, before he asked Charles a question regarding the piece of denim in front of the dog. "But anyway, why'd ya have ta tear the mailman's pants off?"

His question influenced the canary and the hamster to raise an eyebrow towards the confident white dog who quickly changed his happy expression to a downright shock. He looked at the cat as if he said something completely disconcerting.

His surprised reaction influenced the cat to scratch his head and rephrase his question to make it sound clear and to the point. "Actually, bad choice of words there on my part." Cliff admitted with a little blush.

"Yep." Charles said. "Anyway, I have no idea why, we dogs just do. Like how the kids are into slapstick 'n toilet jokes."

"But, did the mailman do anything to you that made you attack him?" Geo asked.

"Nope." Charles answered the hamster.

"You know he's gonna try and avoid you the next day he delivers mail. Anything and everything he can to save his butt." Walt said. "And it's gonna be fun!"

"Well he better bring his best, cause I'll be ready 'n waitin'!" Charles said with determination overtaking his behavior, making a fist as his other paw made a normal impact.

Geo looked around at the bird and the cat before he looked back at Charles. "This feels a little unnecessary, don't you think?" he worried. "He's only doing his job."

"I'll have ta side with Ham on this one, dog." Cliff said. "It sounds pretty frivolous ta me. Can't ya give him a break? They probably don't pay 'em enough fer what they have ta encounter each 'n every-"

"It's called life!" Walt angrily assured. "There's no breaks in life! I mean, it's not like you go for a walk through a fresh meadow and expect everything to be just the way you want. They have to put their blood, sweat and tears into doing stuff to work your way up the scales and make a living for what you do. Plus, it's common knowledge that mailmen have to face dogs no matter what anybody does!"

"Yeah, the bird's right!" Charles agreed. "It's just the way it is! See, he agrees with me. But we're animals, we don't get ta work! We have fun with what we do in our nature!"

Geo attempted to solve the situation as he pointed out a suggestion. "Whatever happened to setting aside differences and just make up and be friends or something?"

Charles looked blankly at the hamster before changing his expression to a scowl. "That is never gonna happen." He looked at everyone else. "And besides, I'm actually doin' the human a favor if anythin'!"

The hamster was a little irate now as he bluntly asked the dog "How in the everloving... heck are you doing him a favor when you just ripped off a piece of his pants for no valid reason?"

Charles squinted his eyes along with a little smirk on his canine face as the finishing touch, as he was ready to show the three pets what attacking mailmen was all about. "Trust me ya guys. You'll see."

As the dog stormed out of the living room along with the bird, Cliff had a devious little smile on his face. Geo took notice of this and promptly stared at the feline for a second before he does the exact same. "Not if we have anythin' ta do about it."

 8:00am - The Next Morning 

The white canine slept very patiently inside of his doghouse. His one eye was open on the lookout for the mailman as if he wanted round two of the battle. Minutes of audible gusts of wind came rolling by along with chirping birds filling up some of the void later, Cliff walked up to the snoozing animal with a blue fashionable leash, with white paw prints all over. He started poking him awake a few times as he prepared himself to offer the accessory to the determined dog in his brave state of mind. The dog opened up his other eye in irritated motion as he shifted his sights on the smiling cat.

"Hey dog, would ya try this nice 'n snazzy new collar on fer me 'n tell me how it fits?" He asked.

Charles hesitated. "Not now, cat! I'm waitin' for the mailman!"

Cliff glanced at the reader before looking back at the dog. "C'mon, dog! I just wanted ta see how it looks on you. That's all I'll askin' for."

Charles pushed the leash aside. "I told ya, I don't have time fer that!"

Geo was outside of his ball. He watched the two communicate from yards away as he was busy tying the leash to a post that he didn't remember seeing in the yard. It was deep down into the soil, so there was a chance that it may stay stationary for the entire plan of the cat and the hamster. As he finished up, he stood back and signaled the cat that he was all set on his part before the cat looked back over the dog, growing more irritated about his persistence.

He sighed as he was about to give in. He was desperate to get the cat to shut his yap. "If I try it on, would ya leave me be so I can get back to my lookout?"

Cliff extended his paw with the leash to the dog as a way of saying yes. Charles rolled his eyes before he finally gave in, as it would only take a couple seconds of his time. "Fine." The canine grabbed hold of it and equipped it on around his neck just before the mailman arrived at the Loud house seconds later into their action.

The man looked around as his tension built up as if it was about to skyrocket. He was afraid he was gonna get attacked the same way it happened yesterday morning. But nope. He had to get the job done, no matter what will happen to him. He didn't know why the dog had the nerve to attack him or anything. He may not like it, but it's like a daily routine, and it's how it worked.

He tip-toed over to the front door in hopes of not drawing any attention to Charles before he made it to the front door of the house. He dropped the mail on the doormat below before walking back on the sidewalk to finish the rest of his shift. As he descended down a step or two, a noticeable creak omitted loud enough to draw attention to the dog. He turned around and saw the man standing still as he broke a sweat or two, hoping he wouldn't go after him.

But depending on the events that happened yesterday, he was extremely incorrect.

Charles was confident and ready for round two now. The man's sudden appearance exhorted the angry white dog as he growled, pawing down on the lawn as he snorted with a smirk on his face. He began to charge towards the human being. His heart sank as he tried to make a run for it.

YANK!

Charles was pulled back a few inches by the cord tied to both the collar and the post from behind him, influencing the man to stop running and to watch the dog get restrained. He was confused as to how this happened as he shook his head for a few seconds.

The mailman thought the dog's incident was so funny, he decided to taunt the dog just for the fun of it. "What's the matter, dumb mutt? Don't wanna bite down on the seat of my pants?" he laughed slightly shaking his butt towards the animal.

Charles grew even more infuriated as he blushed while Cliff snickered at the pup. He wanted to get the cat back somehow but he focused on the human being more. His taunting influenced the canine to rip the collar clean off his neck, throwing it down on the grass as it caught the feline off guard before he zipped over to the unsuspecting mailman, still laughing from his taunting. Unfortunately for him, he paid no attention to the animal for seconds, giving old angry Charles an opportunity to bite his butt again. He barked loudly before his jaws clamped down on the human's buttocks tighter than the last encounter.

CHOMP!

The human screamed at the top of his lungs as he jumped up a good feet or two as the snarling canine ripped a portion of his pants again, this time bigger than the last. He placed his palms on his butt, running away screaming as if he just saw a horrid creature roaming the streets. "That's it! I'm not doing this stupid job anymore!" he yelled. Charles was victorious yet again. He sat down, chewing thoroughly on the torn piece of denim as he stared off into the horizon.

Walt flew over on top the dog. "Wow! That was awesome!" he praised.

Cliff and Geo walked next to them with their dissatisfaction expressions towards the canine. "No, that was not awesome!" the cat bluntly stated before looking to the hamster. "I can't believe this plan of ours didn't work, Ham."

"What's gotten into you, dog?" Geo questioned.

Charles spat out the piece of denim he chewed on. "Hey, y'all saw him shakin' his big fat butt in front of my face. He had it comin', ya knew he did!" the pup protested with a vicious attitude.

"But, that's no reason ta mutilate his clothin' over somethin' like that!" Cliff said with a disappointed shrug. "Now I know somethin' that'll help with this problem of yours."

Cliff grabbed the dog's arm. "C'mon."

Charles resisted. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold up cat. Where do ya think you're takin' me?"

The feline was filled with determination as he pulled on the dog after each sentence he spoke. "Stop it! Ya need. Ta get. Some help!"

 Ten Minutes Later 

The dog and the cat were inside Lynn and Lucy's room now as Walt and Geo decided to eavesdrop on the two animals from the other side of the doorway. Cliff laid Charles down on the bed of the thirteen-year-old sports athlete as he laid a paw on the canine's head. Charles softly whined as he didn't know what was happening while Cliff was ready to get the procedure started as he asked the dog a couple of questions.

"Now dog," Cliff softly said. "I want ya ta calmly explain ta me somethin'."

Charles noticed a weird smell inside the room and decided to point it out. "...Why it really smells in here?"

"Must be a dutch oven in here or somethin'- Wait no!" Cliff shook his head. "What I'm tryin' ta ask is... do ya have somethin' against that mailman for the past two encounters?"

"Nope." Charles answered.

"...So why did ya have ta bite him down on his butt?"

Charles looked blankly into the eyes of the domesticated cat. He exhaled slowly through his wet nose as he gave him his valid answer. "You're tellin' me that ya didn't see a thing the human did as it happened right in front of us?"

"Well... yeah, I-"

"The way I see it cat, those kind of humans love to step into my territory like it's no big deal. He doesn't seem ta heed my warnin' every time he sees me around. Ya thought he'd learn his lesson after his first encounter ta tell 'em ta back off, but nope! He wanted another round of me and I tore that butt up real good! Hence why they call me the bull dog."

"But dog, that's just the mailman doin' his everyday job!" Cliff reassured. "It's not like he's some kind of mean jerk threatenin' ta take away our home, he'd be dressed in all black in that suitcase." The cat winked as Charles grew irritated with the joke.

"Cat, stop it. No more of those puns, please." the dog bluntly commanded.

Cliff hesitated as his ears flopped for a quick second. "Alright fine, but what if he sues?"

"He ain't gonna sue." Charles answered confidently as he motioned his head horizontally. "He just needs ta get it through his head that he ain't welcome here. I don't care what he's gotta do ta get his job done, as long as he doesn't set foot on my territory!"

Cliff thought to himself for a brief moment as he figured that it's not the human being that caused the elicit reaction of Charles to attack him but rather something that related to attire. "Could it be 'cause of that outfit he's wearin'...?"

Charles thought to himself as well, thinking that could be the answer for his actions. "Roh no..." He was temporarily saddened as he kept the conversation going, but not before letting out a long sigh before doing so. "Cat, I think ya might be right. Here I am thinkin' it's an everyday thing dogs do, which it is, and it's one of my favorite things ta do in the mornin'. I'm a professional at it! This whole time, in my own mind, I've portrayed him like he's posin' a threat ta this house. But it turns out, as much as I really hate ta admit it right now, he's not such a bad guy after all the second I got a good whiff of him as I was tearin' through his clothes. It's not the human that's the problem, it's the dumb uniform! All I was really tryin' ta do was protect what matters ta me the most: This family, and my pals. There is a nice human bein' under those clothes, doin' his job deliverin' mail and now he's quittin' his job, all because of me."

The poor canine shielded his eyes in shame for the events that occurred for the past two days now. "What kind of an animal I've become after what happened..." He softly whimpered to himself as Cliff went over to stroke his canine head in comfort.

"You're a good, docile little pup my canine friend." Cliff said. "A happy and playful animal that everyone in the family knows 'n loves."

"Aw shucks." Charles commented. "Thanks for those upliftin' words." He looked down again, growing more sympathetic. "But what am I gonna do ta make it up ta him?"

The door creaked open as Walt and Geo entered the room with a sorry attitude. The hamster offered a plan to the sad pup in hopes to solve the problem. "It looks like there's only one thing to do, dog."

Charles sighed. "You're right, Ham."

 8:00am - The Morning After Next 

The dog slept in his doghouse once again, listening to the birds chirping in the trees all morning. Up until he heard footsteps, he woke up as he sighed. "I can't believe I'm doin' this. But it's for my pals here at the house." He proceeded to head to the back of the house and infiltrate the kitchen through the doggy door.

It was the mailman again, approaching the Loud House for the third time. What was he doing back in the Royal Woods neighborhood? He said he would quit after encountering the same white canine twice this week. But it turns out, he was happy about something. Cliff, Geo and Walt were confused as they all wondered why as they looked at the human being through the living room window. "C'mon dog... let it go." the hamster uttered.

"Ya sure this is gonna work?" Cliff said.

"Only one way to find out." Walt answered.

The mailman looked around the yard for the dog, only this time he wasn't around for him to be bitten in the butt again for the third time. He slowly approached the house with a chuckle. "Ha. Looks like these residents managed to get their dumb mutt under control!" he said as he finally arrived at the door. "Although I should thank 'em. Half a year in along with some of my dignity left from doing this job and they decided to add in two dollars to my raise, as opposed to just the minimum wage!"

He dropped the mail on the doormat below before he turned away and walked back to the sidewalk. "I guess the lesson here is, no matter what you have to go through to get a job done, it always pays off in the end!"

He whistled as he went off into the horizon for the last time. The three pets were surprised as Charles didn't do anything to the man ever since he arrived. They all wondered where the dog was to a plan they didn't think he'd take too seriously.

"I don't believe this." Walt said. "It actually worked?"

"If that's the case, where's the dog now?" Geo asked with a small amount of concern to show.

Seconds of trying to figure out the current location of Charles, one of the pets in the household was about to become breakfast.

CHOMP!

Cliff felt something chomp down on his rear end, influencing him to meow loudly in pain as he turned around to see who it was. It really was Charles, smirking as if he were victorious once again for his actions. They all looked blankly at him as they were too amazed to even compliment him.

Anger and curiosity filled the cat. "What the heck was that for, dog?"

Charles snapped and pointed towards Cliff as he gave him a little wink. "That's fer trickin' me with that snazzy cool collar! Guess who's the butt of the joke now?"

He laughed at the feline along with Walt and Geo as Cliff rubbed his rump, comforting the pain as he glared at the three animals.

~End~

Trivia

 * The story idea was provided by MuppetSpot.
 * The TV program is supposed to be a subtle jab at a portion of the fandom that split the fanbase in more ways than one over an episode.
 * Walt mentioning "the one who shaved us all nude" references April Fools Rules.
 * Walt makes a continuity nod to an earlier story of the series, Bone Sweet Bone.
 * Charles' line: "Well he better bring his best, cause I'll be ready 'n waitin'!" is a reference to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.