User blog comment:AustinDR/Break/@comment-2175012-20170503151323

I'm sorry for all of these posts. I just sometimes feel that I have no one else to speak to, or at the very least anyone who would care about what I had to say. It almost seems like my depression is worsening than getting better; even when I take medicine for it, it doesn't work fully. I don't know what's wrong with me.....every time that I feel genuine joy, it all dissipates within seconds. I don't know if it's mood swings or whatever. I just feel that nothing drives me anymore.

I guess that's what I'm going to have to say right now: I am getting to the point where I just don't care whether I live or die. Sometimes whenever I drive to school, I often think what if I just let go of the wheel or what if I drove my van into the creek? I always rationalized this as being a minor circumstance. Really, if I were to die today, tomorrow, or next week, no one would care, I was sure of it. I sometimes feel that I burden everyone. My parents, my teachers....it seemed that anytime that I talked about the Loud House over on my dA account, I annoyed everyone about how much time I spent talking about the episodes, or writing stories based on the show. Just...what am I doing with my life? Here I am talking about a kid's show, and going in depth with it. I'm a loser. Even on this site, I felt like I was just an empty space for everyone involved. I don't really know anyone here, but I just felt that I could get more feedback than I did on dA. Not only that, but nearly everyone I was close with on dA left me. Daniel no longer has anything to do with me, often claiming that he's often busy working on his games, or whatever to read my stories or fave my drawings. And yet he has enough time to do FF drawings. Of course, he also got a core membership, because of course he did. He is literally better than me in everything, I should just admit that much.

And then there was of course Antonio who blocked me because I called him an idiot for hating the show over a stupid reason. And yet, he's watching me again....the only thing is he's most likely only going to watch me now if I stop talking about the LH or Nickelodeon in general. Besides that, there is nothing special about me. I can't draw, I can't write, I can't even do role plays right. By all means, if I died today, I'm quite certain that I hadn't done anything meaningful in my life. When I came back from school after taking one of the exams, my grandmother immediately knew that something was up when I was being eerily quiet. Of course I lied about what I was really thinking by using school as an excuse, but then she started crying. God, I didn't want to make her cry. I can't do anything right.