User blog:BatSam247/Fanfiction: Bathtime for the Stinkin' Gal

[The episode starts off with the siblings, sans Lana, eating some lasagna on the couch while watching TV. Sam comes in from the other room.]

Sam: Hey, guys. What ya doin?

Siblings: Watching "Dream Boat".

Sam: Go ahead and make some room, if you please. [sits on the couch with the others] Ooh, you got some lazagnah, huh? Can I have a piece?

Lincoln: Uh, what'd you say? [gets some lasagna for Sam]

Sam: What? All I said was lazagna.

Lynn: Lazagnah?

Sam: Lazagnah, yeah.

Lisa: I think you mean lasagna.

Sam: Yeah, lazagnah.

Lincoln: Lasagna.

Sam: Lazagnah.

Lynn: Lasagna.'

Sam: Lazagnah.

Lisa: Lasagna.

Sam: Lazagnah.

Lincoln: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "g", and why are you saying it with a "z"?

Sam: What? I'm just saying lazagnah. Garfield also likes lazagnah. And I heard you gave some lazagnah to your neighbor the other day.

Lisa: Say "Lasa".

Sam: Lasa.

Lisa: Now, say lasagna.

Sam: Lazagnah.

Lincoln: Lasagna.

Sam: Lazagnah.

Lynn: Lasagna.

Sam: Lazagnah.

Lisa: Lasagna.

Sam: Lazagna.

[45 minutes later...]

Lincoln: Lasagna.

Sam: Lazagnah.

Lynn: Lasagna.

Sam: Lazagnah.

Lisa: Lasagna.

Sam: Lazagnah.

Leni: Which one is it, lasagna or lazagnah?

[An air of stench briefly passes through the living room.]

Lynn: [sniffs, then covers her nose] Ugh, what is that smell?!

Everyone: Lily!

[Lily nods, saying that she isn't responsible.]

Lincoln: If it wasn't Lily, who could it be?

[Another air of stench passes through, from the kitchen.]

Lisa: I believe the unpleasant aroma is emanating from the kitchen.

[Everyone walks into the kitchen to see a filthy Lana covered in mugs, twigs, and leaves.]

Lana: Hey, guys! What's up?

Sam: Lana, no offense, but... you smell bad.

Lola: [covering her nose] Geez! When was the last time you cleaned yourself, Lana?

Lana: Pretty sure it was 3, maybe 5 weeks ago? Tops. With my tongue.

Everyone (sans Lana): Eww!

Lori: I think it's about time you took a bath.

[Lana's pupils dilate while "bath" echoes in her mind.]

Sam: Bath, bath, bath, bath, bath. OK, I'm done. [goes back with the others]

Lana: I don't think so. [tries to flee through the back door, but Lynn tackles her]

Lynn: Either way, you're gonna have to get in that tub, Lana.

Lana: [throws Lynn off of her] Never! [flees through the back door]

Lola: She'll be back...

[Cut to later when Lana is cautiously walking through the hallway. Lynn and Lincoln hops in front of her, holding a boomerang.]

Lynn: Hey, Lans! Try and catch this!

[Lynn throws the boomerang towards the bathroom while Lana goes after it, but it ends up hitting Lynn in the face on the way back.]

Lincoln: You do know that boomerangs come back when thrown, right?

Lynn: Forget this. [throws the boomerang aside, only for it to hit her in the back of her head]

[Cut to Lisa and Sam in front of Lana with a bomb strapped to them.]

Lisa and Sam: Lana! There's a bomb strapped to us! It's gonna explode in 5 seconds unless you take a bath!

Lana: Now, this si just getting pathetic. [walks off]

Sam: Please?

[The bomb explodes, leaving the two covered in soot. Cut to Lucy in a turban on the couch with Lana.]

Lucy: I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages.

[Pictures of a bathtub, a shower faucet running, and then a bar of soap appear onscreen. Then, Aunt Ruth's bunions appear onscreen. Cut to Lucy and Lana with disgusted looks.]

Lucy: Sorry you had to see that. [hops off the couch and walks off]

[Cut to Luan behind Lana in the hallway.]

Luan: Hey, Lana! How 'bout some leapfrog?

Lana: Oh, what the heck. [gets into frog position]

Luan: [leaps over Lana] Okay, your turn. [flips Lana into the bathroom, but she crashes into the sink pipe; wincing] Ooh...

[Cut to Lori and Lana in her and Leni's room.]

Lori: I've got a crisp dollar bill for the next fella to take a bath in this house...

[Flip comes in, taking a bath, and takes Lori's dollar.]

Lori: Hey, that wasn't for you! [takes chase after Flip]

[Cut to Leni dancing in front of Lana.]

Leni: Ya-da-da-da... [stops dancing]

Sam: [comes in] I have no clue what you were trying to accomplish there, Leni.

Leni: I was dancing for Lana. [thinks for a second] Wait, why was I doing that again?

[Sam facepalms. Cut to Sam, Lincoln, Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lisa, and Lily dressed as pirates. Lana is watching TV until the three jump out from behind her.]

Luna: Lana! Lana! Look what we found! It's an old, pirate treasure map revealing a location of buried pirate treasure in this very house. Come on, let's go get that treasure.

Lola: Okay, Lana, now 40 paces to the left. [the four go up the stairs while taking the paces] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10... 24, 25, 26, twenty seveeen... 40. The treasure must be in here! [opens bathroom door] Wow, Lana, look! A pirate treasure chest. [points to the bathtub, painted to look like a treasure chest]

Lana: That's just the bathtub.

Lincoln: Uh... No, it isn't. [kicks away the paint can and brush near the bathtub] It's treasure.

Sam: Look. Doubloons [shows 2 bars of soap to Lana] Don't drop them. [gives them to Lana] And look at this brooch! [shows a rubber ducky to Lana]

Lana: A, these are bars of soap. B, that's a rubber duck. And C, what is anyone my age going to do with a brooch.

Sam: I don't know what a six year old would do with a brooch.

Lynn: [picks Lana up] Why don't you just get in the tub?! [tries to throw Lana into the tub, but Lana is stuck to her side]

Lori: Get in the tub! [tries to throw Lana in the tub but is unsuccessful]

Lola: Get in the tub!! [tries to throw Lana in the tub but is unsuccessful]

Luan: Get in the tub... [tries to throw Lana in the tub but is unsuccessful]

Lisa: In the tub. [tries to throw Lana in the tub but is unsuccessful]

Lincoln and Sam: In the tub! [tries to throw Lana in the tub but she floats over the tub, and appears back on the floor after 2 seconds]

Siblings and Sam: Now, Lana, are you gonna get in this tub or are we gonna have to-

[They all pick Lana up and try to push her into the bathtub, but to no avail. Lana is centimeters away from touching the bathwater. Lana then manages to knock out some of them and runs off. Cut to the siblings, and Sam, having a meeting.]

Lori: So, does anyone have any more ideas?

[Everyone thinks for a brief amount of time, until...]

Lisa: I think I may have an idea to get Lana cleansed.

Sam: Well... out with it.

Lisa: If we can't bring Lana to the bath, we're gonna have to bring the bath to her. [smiles mischeviously]

[Cut to Lana watching TV on the armchair, until her siblings and Sam call her from the stairs.]

Siblings & Sam: Psst! Lana... [come downstairs wiith F.L.U.D.D.-esque devices] Bath delivery.

[Lana screams as the gang shoots bathwater at her. But, they miss and hit the armchair instead.]

Luan: Come back, Lana! We have something to "chair" with you! [laughs]

[The gang shoots more bathwater at Lana in the kitchen, but miss again and hit the dirty dishes. They are now clean and stacked.]

Luan: "Dishes" more like it! [laughs]

[Lana leaves through the front door, and the gang shoots more bathwater, breaking the door down.]

Luan: "Water" you waiting for, Lana?!

[The gang then sees what appears to be Lana on the roof. They then get a ladder and climb up to the roof.]

Luan: It's time to clean up your act, Lana.

[The gang shoots a huge amount of bathwater at Lana, but realize it was just a dummy of Lana made out of mud and leaves.]

Sam: Wait, what? If that isn't Lana, then where-

[They all then see the ladder moving across the roof. Lori looks down from the roof and sees Lana with the ladder.]

Lori: Gary! Bring that ladder back this instant. I am really not amused, mister. You are going to take a bath, and you are going to get clean right now.

Lana: You're not the boss of me.

Lori: I am so the boss of you!

Lana:  Don't care. Besides, it's a free country.

Lori: It may be, but I am older than you, and you will listen to me.

Lana: [sarcastically] Whatever you say, big sis.

Lori: Don't use that tone of voice with me. You will do what I say when I say.

[Lana walks forward.]

Lori: What are you doing? I am talking to you, young lady.

[Lana stops right next to some mud]

Lori: Do not go near that mud puddle! Lana Loud, do you hear me? I am giving you three seconds to get away from that mud puddle. One, [Lana moves closer to the mud] two, [Lana moves closer to the mud] two and a half...[Lana leans over the mud] don't make me say three!

[Lana leans further over the mud]

Lori: Lana! Lana! Lana! LANA!

[Lori falls off the roof and into the mud.]

Sam: You may have gotten Lori down there, but we're still up here and have our water blasters.

[The gang aims and shoots more bathwater at Lana, cleaning her off entirely. Then, they shoot bathwater at Lori, cleaning her and cleaning the mud puddle away.]

Lincoln: So, guys... [Camera zooms out to show the entire Loud House exterior] How are we going to get down?

Lana: [sighs] I'm coming back with the ladder. [takes the ladder and sets it back where it was]

[The eleven climb down from the roof. Cut to all the siblings, and Sam, on the couch.]

Lisa: So, Lana, I believe you're going to keep up with your hygiene so nothing like this happens again?

Lana: [nervously] Y-Y-Yeah. Sure.

Lola: Good. 'Cause if I get dirty because of you, there will be heck to pay...

Lana: [yawns] Looks like it's time to hit the sack.

[When Lana yawned, another air of stench passes through the room, meaning she hasn't brushed her teeth in a while.]

Sam: [covering his nose] Ugh... Lana! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

[Lana shrugs. The eleven then pull out their F.L.U.D.D.'s again. Lana runs out the door screaming while Lincoln, Sam, and co. shoot toothpaste and mouthwash at her down the street.]

THE END