Funny Business/Script

[​The Episode begins Lincoln walking outside his house to the tree so he can sit down and read comics]​ Lincoln: "Ah, nothing like reading comics on a peaceful summer--" ''[A horn is honking and it came from Luan in her clown outfit carrying her birthday props. Lincoln gasps at the sight of her]'' Luan: "Uh, a little help?" [falls down] Lincoln: [helps her up] "Back from another birthday party?" Luan: "Uh, my third gig this weekend. I could really use an assistant. Hey, what about you? You're great with Gary." [Gary chomps on Lincoln's hand] Lincoln: "Hey, stop that! I thought Lucy was helping you." [Flashback of Luan performing balloon animals at a circus birthday] Luan: "And now, if my assistant will just hand me one more balloon, we'll have a pterodactyl." [As Luan sees an empty corner, Lucy appears behind her with a balloon and startles her] Boy: [To Lucy] "You killed the dinosaur!" ''[The kids start booing. A red FIRED sign appears over Lucy's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback]'' Luan:​ [Picks up a rubber chicken] "Lucy didn't work out. Neither did Lynn." [Flashback of Luan juggling fruit at a pirate birthday] Luan: ​"Water do you say we add some melon?" ​''[The kids cheer. Lynn throws a watermelon, but accidentally hits Luan. The kids boo the performance. A red FIRED sign appears over Lynn's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback]'' Luan: ​"Or Leni." [Flashback to another circus birthday] Luan: ​"Why are Clowns never bored? Cause were good at keeping occu-​pied​." [clears throat] "​I said, good at keeping occu-pied​." ''[Luan looks where Leni is, but there's nothing there but a pie. She turns and sees Leni in the crowd. Luan face palms at this, walks to the pie and slaps it to her face, making the kids cheer. A red FIRED sign appears over Leni's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback]'' Luan: ​"​Or Lisa." [Flashback to a medieval birthday as Luan does a trumpet fanfare dressed as a jester]

Luan: ​"Hey, Birthday Boy. Why don't you take the seat of honor?"

[As the boy sits down, a farting noise from the Whoopee cushion is heard which Luan and the other kids laugh at] Lisa: [taking the cake away] ​"No, no! No one eat that cake! It clearly causes gastrointestinal distress." ''[The kids start crying. A red FIRED sign appears over Lisa's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback]'' ​Lincoln: [sarcastic] "Well, I am so honored to be your fifth choice." Luan:  ​"Come on, Lincoln. Please? I really need your help." ​Lincoln:​ "I don't know. I´m not really the performing type. I don't want to make a fool of myself on stage." ​Luan: ​"Don't worry. That's my job. All you have to do is help with the props." ​Lincoln:​ "Uh, I don´t know think it's for--What's that?" ​Luan: "Ah, just birthday cake. I always get sent home with leftovers." ​Lincoln:​ "Oh..." [starts drooling upon seeing the dessert] ​Luan:​ "Usually I share it with my assistant. But since this job isn't for you--" ​Lincoln:​ "When did I say that?" [A green HIRED sign appears over Lincoln's Funny Business ID Card and a bell rings]

[At the first birthday party, Luan is setting up a joke] Luan:​ "Why are clowns never bored? Cause they're good at keeping occu-​pied​." [Lincoln is about to throw the pie at Luan's face, but loses balance after tripping on a whipped cream can, and lands with a loud crash] ​Lincoln:​ "Sorry!"

''[The kids are laughing and cheering']

[Lincoln and Luan are on their way home] ​Lincoln:​ "That was awesome. The part when I tripped and when the audience laughed, and then clapped? Amazing!" Luan:  ​"Glad you enjoyed it. Now here, I need you to clean this. Gary pooped in it." [Lincoln gets grossed out while a green stinky fume comes out of the top hat]

[At the second Birthday Party, Luan is juggling fruit while riding on her unicycle] Luan:​ "​Water​ do you say we add some melon?" ''[The kids cheer. Lincoln appears running on a watermelon]'' ​Lincoln:​ [loses balance] "Whoa, nelly!" [The kids laugh]

[Luna's and Luan's room] ​Lincoln: ​"Man, great crowd, huh?" Luan:​ "Yeah, super. So, what was that all about with the watermelon?" Lincoln:​ "Well, you know, the audience seems to love it when I fall down so--" ​Luan: ​"Let me worry about the audience. You take care of deodorizing these clown shoes." [Lincoln exits the room while taking the clown shoes, then sees Lynn and Lana walking] ​Lincoln:​ "Whoopsy-daisy!" [falls and rolls at a distance while a loud crash is heard] [Lynn and Lana laugh at his performance] Lincoln: [to the viewers] ​"See? I do know what audiences like."

[At the third birthday Party, Luan is making something with balloons] ​Luan: ​"And now, if my assistant will hand me one more balloon, we'll have a pterodactyl." ​Lincoln:​ [high-pitched voice while covered in balloons] "I went a little overboard with the helium. Whoa, good gravy!" [falls back as a loud crash is heard, getting the kids to laugh and cheer] [Luan shakes in anger]

[At the fourth Birthday Party, Luan juggles plates on her nose and both hands] Luan: ​"What did one plate say to the other? ​Lunch​ is on me." [She and the kids laugh] Lincoln: [holding a stack of plates] ​"Gadzooks!" [loses balance and lets his plates and Luan's plates fall down and break] [The kids crack up] Lincoln: "I guess lunch is on me." [As the kids laugh, Luan gets ticked off at Lincoln]'' ​Bratty Kid´s Mom: ​[laughing] "He is hilarious!" Other Mom: ​"I know. LOL. I just learned what that means." [The other moms look at her unimpressed]

[At the fifth Birthday Party, Luan does a trumpet fanfare] ​Luan:​ "All right, Birthday boy. Why don´t you take the seat of honor?"

[As Lincoln sits on the seat, the Whoopee cushion's farting noise is heard from under it.] Lincoln: ​"Holy macaroni!" [falls back as a loud crash is heard] [The kids laugh like always; Lincoln is signing autographs while Luan angrily clears away her clown stuff]

[while going back home]

Lincoln:​ "Boy, we are killing it. But I've been thinking, maybe you should do a little less of the talky stuff and more of the pratfalls."

Luan:​ "Are you kidding me?!"

​Lincoln:​ "What?"

​Luan:​ "Look, Lincoln. Just because you got a few laughs does not make you an expert on clowning. There's a lot more to it than just falling on your butt."

​Lincoln:​ "Well, the audience sure seems to like my--"

Luan:​ "Lincoln, enough! No more pratfalls. I am the clown. You are the assistant. Now go refill these whoopee cushions."

Lincoln:​ "But they're already inflated."

[Luan deflates them at her brother's face]

Luan:​ "Not anymore."

[Luan walks to her house, opens the door then slams it]

Lincoln:​ "Oh, yeah?! Well, that would've been funnier if you'd fallen on your butt!"

[At Luna and Luan's room, Lincoln is refilling the whoopee cushions]

Lincoln:​ "How dare she speak to me like that! After everything I've done for this business? You'd think she'd have a little more--"

[Phone rings]

​Lincoln:​ [got startled] "Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business. Lincoln speaking."

Woman on the phone:​ [chatters]

Lincoln:​ "Yes, we're available the 11th."

​Woman on the phone:​ [chatters]

​Lincoln:​ "What?"

Woman on the phone:​ [chatters]

Lincoln:​ "Oh, really?"

​Woman on the phone:​ [chatters]

Lincoln:​ "Great. See you the 11th."

[Luan walking into her room]

​Luan:​ "Who did we just book?"

​Lincoln:​ "Actually, the correct question would be, who did I just book?

[Lisa was hearing while going to a room]

​Lisa:​ "You're both wrong. It´s "whom"."

[door slams]

Lincoln:​ "They only wanted me."

​Luan:​ "Yeah, right."

Lincoln:​ "It's true. You may not recognize my talent, but apparently the Birthday party community does."

​Luan:​ "So, what are you gonna do for your act? Fallen on your butt for an hour?"

Lincoln:​ "That's exactly what I'm going to do, cause the audiences love it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on my padded underwear."

''[Luan gets angry, kicks the glass case and it shatters. Gary hops down and eats some cake]''

[At the sixth and last Birthday Party]

​Lincoln:​ "So, how old is the birthday girl? Four? Five?"

Maggie's Mom:​ "Thirteen."

​Lincoln:​ "Oh. A little older than usual crowd, but no problem. My comedy is ageless."

[The next scene, Lincoln throws a banana peel on stage.]

Lincoln: "Hey, guys! Get ready to laugh!" [He slips on a banana peel] "Whoopsie doodle! Now who put this here?"

Maggie: "Um, you did, obviously."

Lincoln: [shakes his head and holds the glasses] "Maybe this glasses will help me see better!" [puts on the glasses and the eyes pop out and Lincoln falls.] "Eye-a-watha!" [He gets back up and takes off the glasses.] "I really gotta get my prescription checked."

Maggie: "Mom, look what that loser clown did to my poster." ''[Lincoln takes the poster off of him. The emos get their phones out and text.]''

Lincoln: "Oh, look at that! ''I have a message, too! Mom, didn't I tell you not to text me at..." [He falls on the table as the cake flies into the air.] "Whoa!" [the cake lands on him] "Remember, guys. Never walk and text!"

Tween #1: "Ugh, now he's gonna lecture us!"

Maggie: "He ruined my cake! Mom, why did you hire him? I swear, if I had a door around me, I would slam it so hard right now!"

Lincoln: "Um, excuse me, everyone. There will now be a brief, unscheduled intermission. Text amongst yourselves!" [Lincoln runs off stage but is stopped by Maggie's Mom]

Maggie's Mom: "Where are you going? I paid you to perform for an hour."

Lincoln: "But I'm doing my best material, and they hate me."

Maggie's Mom: "Well, try something else. You're a professional clown, aren't you?"

[Lincoln looks over at the other parents.]

Dad #1: "Remind me not to book Funny Business, Inc. for my kid's birthday."

Other Mom: "Me neither."

Bratty Kid's Mom: "Oh, me neither. I don't want my kid to hate me."

Lincoln: "Sorry, gotta run to the little clown's room."

[Lincoln runs inside a photo booth to call Luan with his phone]

Luan: "Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business!"

Lincoln: "Luan!"

Luan: [makes static noises] "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. My clown car's going through a tunnel."

[As Luan hangs up the phone, it rings again]

Lincoln: "Luan, it's me."

Luan: "I know. That's why I hung up."

[She hangs up the phone, but it rings once again]

Luan: "This is a business line, Lincoln. What do you want?"

Lincoln: "Luan, I'm bombing out here. You gotta help me, please!"

Luan: "Oh! How could I possibly help you? You're the clowning expert.

Lincoln: "No, I'm not. You are. You told me there's a lot more clowning than just falling on your butt, and you were right. Will you please come help me?"

Luan: "I don't know, Lincoln. Maybe bombing would be a good learning experience for you."

Lincoln: "Well, there's one other thing. I think I'm ruining the reputation of Funny Business, Inc. These parents are brutal!"

Luan: "Don't move! I'll be right there." [Luan hangs up and puts on her helmet, which Gary pooped in] "Ugh, Gary!"

[Gary nervously blushes]

[As Lincoln is still in the photo booth looking nervous, Luan appears on her unicycle]

Lincoln: "Luan! Wait, how did you know I was in here?"

Luan: [Holds out some photos of Lincoln from the photo booth] "Well, this was a pretty good clue."

Lincoln: "Oh! So, what's the plan?"

Luan: "Okay, let's see what we've got here." [observes the crowd] "Hmm, Emo tweens. Notoriously tough crowd. But, don't worry, this isn't my first mope fest."

[The next stage, Luan is seen on stage dressed as a mime and pretends to be trapped inside a box]

Maggie: "Oh, I get it. She's, like, trapped in a box. This is exactly how I felt when my mom said I could dye my hair purple."

[Lincoln, who is also dressed a mime, looks from backstage and smiles while Luan pretends to climb a ladder]

Tween #1: "Wow. It's like the soul crushing pointlessness of seventh grade."

[Luan goes backstage to get Lincoln, who is feeling nervous]

Luan: "You ready to do this?"

Lincoln: [nervously] "I don't know."

Luan: "You'll be fine. Just follow my lead."

[Both Lincoln and Luan walk onstage and do a mirror routine]

Maggie: "Wow! It's about how we're all just like clones."

Tween #2: "That's what I was gonna say."

Maggie: "Exactly."

[Lincoln and Luan finish their routine and the goth kids slowly give an applause]

Dad #1: "I have to get their business card."

[The other parents murmur in agreement]

Bratty Kid's Mom: "Well, I call the weekend of the 22nd."

[The goth kids start cheering and toss a black rose on stage as Luan picks it up]

--- [Later, Lincoln and Luan are heading home]

Lincoln: "Thanks for saving my butt. You were amazing out there, and I'm sorry for the way I was acting."

Luan: "That's okay. I remember how great it was to my first big laugh. I shouldn't have been so harsh. Still my assistant?"

Lincoln: "Still your assistant. Let me get those for you." [Lincoln accidentally rips the bags and slips on the spilt whoopee cushions] "Whoa!"

[Lincoln lands on them, which all make farting sounds]

Luan: [chuckles] "You know, that actually was kind of funny. Here, let me help..." [Her unicycle slips on another whoopee cushion, sending her flying] "Whoa, good gravy!" [She landed on the whoopee cushions with Lincoln and they laugh] "Eye-a-watha!" [The two siblings do pratfalls as they land on the whoopee cushions and laugh again]