User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: Check, Please

I just noticed that all of my standard tales thus far tend to be on the more serious side. I think it's time I mixed it up with something nice and silly. Presenting for your delectation, here are Lisa and the twins in:

Check, Please
“You want me to what?”

“Teach us how to play chess. C’mon, please~?”

Lisa blinked in confusion. She wasn’t sure what to make of this sudden request. Certainly, she was pleased to see her sisters engaging in intellectual pursuits. It simply struck her as a bit strange that the ones engaging in said pursuits were her twin sisters, Lana and Lola.

“I was… unaware you two were interested in such things,” Lisa stated simply.

“Oh, but we are~!” Lola chirped. “It sounds like such a fun game! Doesn’t it, Lana?”

Lana shrugged. “Eh.”

“Doesn’t it, Lana?!” Lola repeated, intensity seeping into her voice.

Lana gulped and nodded. “Y-yeah! Super fun!”

Lisa deadpanned. “Just be transparent with me.”

Lola groaned. “Ugh, fine. Lana and I are trying to earn our Bluebell Chessmaster patches.”

“Don’t ask us why that’s a thing; we don’t have a clue, either,” Lana said with a shrug.

Lisa sighed and adjusted her glasses. “I suppose I’ve heard of worse concepts for a merit badge. And on a related note, I’ve heard of worse reasons for intellectual pursuits.”  She then smiled and nodded. “Very well. I shall teach you two how to play one of my favorite prepackaged recreational pastimes, street name: ‘board games.’”

“Yay~! Thank you, Lisa!” the twins cheered, giving Lisa a hug. Lisa let out another sigh.

“My only hope is that you two don’t make me regret my decision,” she said. “A moment, if you please.”

She wriggled out of the twins’ grasp and made her way over to her closet. As she rummaged through it, Lana cleared her throat.

“So, you’ve been playing this game since you were Lily’s age, right?” she asked.

“Affirmative,” Lisa replied.

“And you’ve never lost?”

Lisa paused for a moment. “Actually, I humbly admit that I have but one failure on my record when it comes to chess.”

“What? But you’re super smart and stuff,” said Lola. “Who’d you lose to?”

Lisa gave the twins a bemused look. “Guess.”

The twins caught on immediately. “Lynn.”

Lisa nodded and rolled her eyes. “It simply boggles my mind that our athletic elder sibling struggles with basic algebra, yet she knows what the en passant rule is.”

“Un-pa-what now?” Lana asked.

“I-is there gonna be a test?” Lola asked nervously.

Lisa couldn’t help but chuckle. “Not to worry, my twin elder siblings. That technique rarely comes into play. You don’t have to learn it to win at chess. Ah, here we are.”

Lisa took out a simple chessboard from the closet. She opened up the board and began setting up the pieces. Intrigued, Lana and Lola ventured forward.

“Wow. That, uh…  That sure is a lot of pieces, Lis’,” said Lana. “Are you sure we’ve got enough people to play?”

Lisa gave Lana a quizzical look. “Whatever do you mean? Chess is a game for only two players.”

“With that many pieces?” said Lola, pointing at the board. “I don’t think we’d use all of them even if the entire family and all of our pets played.”

Lisa looked down at the board for a moment. “Ah. I see where this confusion is coming from.”  She adjusted her glasses. “Think of it this way. Both players take command of a different army. One side controls the white pieces; the other side controls the black pieces.”

“Oh~,” the twins said.

Lisa nodded. “Now, I feel the best way to explain the game is to go over each of the pieces in turn.”  She grabbed a white pawn and held it aloft. “This here is a pawn.”

“Eee~! It’s so cute~!” Lola squealed, snatching the pawn from Lisa. “I just wanna dress you up in a tiny bowler hat and a bow-tie!”

Lisa gave Lola a look. “Please refrain from doing so,” she said, taking the pawn back. She cleared her throat. “As I was saying, pawns are considered to be the most expendable pieces on the board. They can only move forward, and only one space at a time.”

Lana looked over the board and frowned. “But they’re blocking all the other pieces. Are you saying all of those other guys have to wait for the pawns to move their slow butts before they can do anything?”

“Well, yes and no. I’ll be sure to elucidate as we continue,” said Lisa. “Now, there are a couple of exceptions to the pawn’s movement. If a particular pawn has not been moved on a prior turn, it can move two spaces forward instead of one.”

“Why can’t they just move like that all the time?” asked Lana.

Lisa sighed. “I don’t make the rules, Lana. That’s just how the game works. Now, let me explain the other exception.”

She placed the pawn on the board and had another piece sit diagonal from it.

“If an opponent’s piece sits on space that is directly diagonal to the pawn’s forward movement, the pawn can move to that square and capture the opposing piece.”

She then demonstrated thusly on the board. Lola scratched her head.

“But wait, now that pawn is blocking the other pawn from moving,” she said. “Why would you want to do that?”

“True, this kind of maneuver is not always ideal,” said Lisa. “However, there are times when it can be useful, or even necessary. It all depends on your own strategy and that of your opponent.”

Lana furrowed her brow. “Sounds to me like the pawns are just a bunch of jerks who get in the way of everything.”

Lisa shrugged. “Well, there’s a reason I called them the most expendable. Even so, it would be wise not to underestimate them. Now, let’s move on.”

She picked up the next piece. “This here is a rook.”

Lana looked at the rook in Lisa’s hand for a moment, and then turned to Lisa. “Uh, Lis’? Do your glasses need fixing?”

Lisa blinked. “Pardon? I assure you, my corrective lenses are functioning perfectly.”

“You sure about that?” Lana asked, looking back at the rook. “‘Cause, uh, that doesn’t look like a rook to me.”

“Yeah, it looks more like a castle,” said Lola.

Lisa sighed. “Yes, some people colloquially refer to it as a castle, but most people call it a rook.”

“Which people? Blind people, or just people who’ve never seen a bird before?” said Lana.

Lisa pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned. “Look, if it makes it less confusing, we’ll just call it a castle, okay?”  She cleared her throat. “Now, the castle can move as far as it wants, but—“

She was interrupted by the twins snickering. She raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry, did I say something humorous?” she inquired.

“N-no. I-it’s nothing,” said Lana. “Please, continue.”

Lisa sighed. “As I was saying, the castle can move—“

Again, she was interrupted by laughter.

“Okay, what exactly is so funny?” she demanded.

“S-sorry, Lisa,” said Lola, brushing a tear from her eye. “It’s just…  C’mon~. You can’t be serious.”

“You’re the ones who came to me wishing to learn how to play chess. Why would I not be serious?”

“‘Cause even Lana and I know that castles can’t move! That’s just silly!”

Lisa removed her glasses and smacked her forehead as the twins continued laughing.

“Yes, yes. Quite the jape, you two. I am bereft of ribs,” she said dryly. “Look, how about this? Just pretend that the castle is being carried by a flock of rooks.”

The twins stopped laughing, with Lana in particular going wide-eyed in wonder.

“Whoa. So that’s why they call it a rook?” she inquired.

Lisa rolled her eyes. “Yes, sure. Let’s go with that.”  She cleared her throat. “As I was saying, the rooks can carry the castle as far as they are able, but they can only move it horizontally or vertically.”

Lana took another look at the board and frowned. “Not with those pawns in the way, they can’t. Why don’t the rooks just fly over the pawns?”

“Because the castle is too heavy, okay?” Lisa snapped. “Ugh, sweet Steven Hawking on a tricycle, I can’t believe I’m resorting to such obtuse thought exercises simply to explain the rules of chess.”

“It’s not our fault this game makes no sense,” Lola said with a pout.

“I… choose not to dignify that,” said Lisa. “Let’s move on.”

She took up the next piece. “This piece here is a knight.”

Lana looked at the piece in Lisa’s hand and deadpanned. “Okay, now you’re just messing with us.”

“Yeah, how dumb do you think we are?” Lola huffed. “That’s clearly a pony.”

“No, it…”  Lisa groaned and facepalmed. “Look, it’s meant to represent a form of mounted combat, street name: ‘cavalry.’”

“Oh yeah? Well, where’s the little guy that goes on the horse?” Lana asked.

“There isn’t one,” Lisa stated plainly. “Sculpting a miniature figurine depicting a medieval soldier simply to make the representation of the knight more accurate would be both tedious and wholly unnecessary.”

“It can’t be that hard,” said Lana. “I’ve seen some of Lincoln’s action figures. They can get pretty small.”

“This is a playing piece in one of the most iconic board games in history, not an action figure!” Lisa yelled.

Lola and Lana flinched from Lisa’s exclamation. “Okay, okay. Sheesh, calm down,” said Lola.

Lisa sighed and adjusted her glasses. “Apologies. I did not mean to lose my temper like that. It’s just… you’re not making this easy for me.”

“We’re sorry, Lisa,” said Lola. “We really do wanna learn this stuff, honest.”

“Yeah,” Lana agreed. “If anyone can help us get our Chessmaster patches, it’s you.”

Lisa nodded. “I’ve gathered that much. Very well, I shall persevere. But only because I cannot help but admire your genuine curiosity.”

“Thanks, Lis’,” said Lana. “So, are we just gonna pretend there’s a little guy on the horse’s back, just like with the castle being carried by rooks?”

“If it makes things easier for you, then by all means,” said Lisa. “Now, the knight is very much unlike the other pieces. It can only move in a specific pattern. Allow me to demonstrate.”

Lisa placed the knight on the board and had it move in its signature L-shaped pattern. Lana’s eyes went wide with amazement.

“Wait! It just jumped over the pawns!” she exclaimed. “You didn’t say we could do that!”

Lisa grinned. “That’s because bypassing other pieces is an ability exclusive to the knight. It’s representative of medieval flanking maneuvers.”

Lola and Lana stared at Lisa blankly. “Huh?”

Lisa sighed. “I’m sure you’ll learn all about it once your educators see fit to add medieval Europe to their lesson plan,” she said. “For now, just understand that the knight can only move in this particular L-shaped pattern.”

Lola looked down at the board and scratched her head. “That… doesn’t really look like an L.  Unless I’ve been doing all my macaroni alphabet homework wrong.”

Lisa furrowed her brow and tapped her chin. “Hmm. Perhaps this will help you remember.”  She picked up the knight and had it move again, this time going over each space one at a time. “One, two, and turn. One, two, and turn.”

Lola’s face brightened. “Oh~! I see now! It’s like my pageant routine!”

Lana tilted her head. “It is?”

“Sure! Just watch.”

Lola straightened herself out and cleared her throat. She then began to sashay around Lisa’s room as though she were on a pageant stage.

“Two steps forward, turn and wave,” she chanted, performing the movements as she described them. “Two steps forward, turn and wave.”

Lisa smirked and shrugged. “A bit unorthodox, but if relating the knight’s movement to your choreographed performances helps you, who am I to judge? Now, let’s move on.”

She picked up the next piece. “This is a bishop.”

“Aw~. He looks like he’s wearing a pointy hat,” Lola cooed. “So cute~!”

Lisa nodded. “Quite astute, my regal elder sibling. This particular design is meant to represent the typical attire of bishops, who are senior members of the Christian clergy in charge of dispensing holy orders.”

Lana and Lola just gave Lisa a blank stare. “Are you sure there isn’t going to be a test?” Lana asked.

Lisa sighed. “No, there is no test. I suppose the origins of the pieces, while fascinating in their own right, are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things,” she admitted. She cleared her throat and continued. “Anyway, the bishop is very much like the castle, in that in can traverse the board as far as it is able. However, while the castle can only move vertically or horizontally, the bishop can only move diagonally.”

“Doesn’t look like it can move anywhere to me,” said Lana, scowling at the board. “Not with those stupid pawns in the way.”

Lisa groaned and rolled her eyes. “Yes, Lana. We’ve already established that the pawns prevent the other pieces from moving. There’s no need to reiterate the point.”

“Besides, how could you hate such cutie patooties?” Lola chirped. She picked up a pawn and began cradling it like a small child. “Who’s a cute little munchkin? You are~. It’s you~.”

“Blech,” Lana grumbled, rolling her eyes. “Just move on, Lis’.”

“Certainly,” said Lisa, gesturing to the next piece. “This here is the queen.”

Lola dropped the pawn she was coddling, and her eyes went wide. “Wait a second. There are queens in this game?!”

“Affirmative,” said Lisa, a small smirk forming on her face. “And truth be told, I think you’ll like this particular piece, Lola. The queen is considered to be the most powerful and versatile piece in the game. It can traverse the entire board with practical impunity. What’s more, it can move in any direction you so choose.”

“Ooh~. Me likely,” said Lola, rubbing her hands in glee.

“Yeah, that does sound pretty awesome,” said Lana. “Ooh! Can it jump over pieces like the knight?”

Lisa shook her head. “Alas, no. That is one power the queen does not possess. As I’ve stated earlier, that skill is exclusive to the knight.”

Lana sulked. “So, that means until the stupid pawns get out of the way, it can’t go anywhere.”

Lisa gave Lana a bemused look. “Okay, I must ask. Why is this such a sticking point for you? Yes, it may appear that the pawns are an obstacle to the player, but they’re really not. All it means is that you must plan your movements strategically.”

“But that sounds like boring egghead stuff,” Lana said with a pout. “You know I’m not good at that.”

Lisa smiled and patted Lana on the shoulder. “No need to sell yourself short, Lana. I believe your mental capacity is more than sufficient to properly play chess, and that goes for Lola, too. You just need to exercise a bit of patience, that’s all.”

“I guess,” Lana said with a shrug. “So, is that all the pieces?”

“Not quite,” said Lisa. “There is one more, and it is the most important piece in the game.”

“More important than the queen?” Lola said, giving Lisa a look. “Surely you’re joking.”

“I am not,” Lisa assured her. “Allow me to elucidate.”

She picked up the final piece on the board. “This is the king. The object of the game is to place him in a position where he cannot move without being captured by the opponent.”

“So, where can he move?” asked Lana.

“Like the queen, the king and move in any direction,” Lisa explained. “Unlike the queen, however, it can only move one space at a time.”

Lola frowned. “So, the queen runs around a does all the work while the king just sits there and does nothing? That doesn’t sound fair.”

Lisa groaned. “Sometimes, I truly loathe the excess of political correctness in our culture,” she grumbled. “Look, this game was created during a time when kings were seen as the most important figures in the land. That’s simply how things worked back then. It’s not a reflection of our current state of affairs, nor is it trying to advocate for any sort of socio-political agenda.”

Lana blinked. “Okay, you just said… a lot of words.”

“Yeah, I think I only understood about half of that,” said Lola, equally confused.

Lisa palmed her face. “In layman’s terms, it’s merely a game; there’s no use fretting over every minute detail.”

“Oh~. Um, okay,” said Lana. “So, can we start playing?”

“Well, I’ve already covered the basics,” said Lisa. “I suppose I can spectate a match between you two and see if you’ve managed to retain anything I’ve taught you.”

“Sounds good!” said Lola. “So, where’s the die?”

Lisa tilted her head in confusion. “Excuse me?”

“Well, we gotta figure out who goes first,” said Lola.

Lisa breathed out a small sigh. “I can’t believe I have to explain this, but there is no dice in this game. However, I can easily solve this quandary.”

She picked up a white pawn and a black pawn and hid them behind her back. The twins looked on, wondering what she was doing. After a few seconds, Lisa turned to face them.

“Each of you pick a hand,” she instructed. “Whoever picks the white pawn will go first.”

“Wait, why the white one?” asked Lana.

“Because in chess, the person controlling the white pieces always goes first.”

Lana and Lola looked at each other for a moment before turning back to Lisa. “So, basically, never play this game with Clyde,” said Lola.

Lisa dropped the pawns and facepalmed. “Oh, for the love of…  Again, I must reiterate that this game is not trying to advance any sort of socio-political agenda!”

“Yeah, we still don’t know what that means,” said Lana.

“It means that there’s no cause to feel uncomfortable about the rules, and it is perfectly acceptable to play this game with Clyde,” Lisa clarified, exasperation seeping into her voice. She picked up the pawns and reshuffled them behind her back. “Now pick a hand!”

“Okay, okay! Sheesh, you can be so touchy sometimes,” said Lola. She looked at Lisa for a moment, stroking her chin thoughtfully. Finally, she pointed to her left hand. “I pick that one.”

Lisa opened her hand, revealing the white pawn. “Lola, you’ll go first.”

“Yes! In your face, Lana!” Lola cheered.

“Hey, no fair! I didn’t get to pick!” Lana protested.

Lola sneered. “There were only two choices, dingus. You snooze, you lose.”

“Don’t call me a dingus! You’re a dingus!”

“You take that back!”

“Make me!”

The twins began wrestling with each other, crashing into the game board and scattering the pieces everywhere. Lisa sighed and shook her head.

“Why do I try? Why do I bother?” she grumbled to herself. “Why oh why do I bother to try; why do I try to bother?”