User blog:MrTyeDye/Fanfiction: Little Known Facts

SUMMARY: One day at the park, a young Lynn decides to teach her little brother everything she knows - or thinks she knows - about the world.

The Royal Woods Park was a space characterized by a plethora of familiar, comforting sounds: the leaves rustling in the wind, the chirping of birds, and of course, the gleeful tittering of children. Today, a major source of said tittering was provided by the seven Loud children - Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lincoln and baby Lucy. Rita and Lynn Sr. couldn't bear to let such an idyllic spring day pass by without letting their children enjoy it, so they took them all to the park and set them loose.

Once they got to the park, the family splintered off into three groups. The first consisted of Leni, Luna and Luan, who set themselves up in a circle on the grass to engage in a rousing round of Quack-Dilly-Oso. Meanwhile, Lori was tasked with looking after Lynn and Lincoln, while the parents stayed behind to look after Lucy and watch the rest of them from afar.

This wasn't an unfamiliar scenario for Lori. From the moment Lincoln was born, he and Lynn were practically inseparable. Whenever the children were let out to play, Lincoln and Lynn were almost always within arm's length of each other, sharing their toys and coming up with elaborate make-believe scenarios that only they could understand. That said, Lynn had developed quite an appetite for play-fighting, which meant that Lori was usually responsible for making sure she wasn't being too rough with Lincoln.

On this day, however, that didn't seem to be a concern. Instead of engaging in her usual tussles, Lynn was guiding Lincoln around the park space, pointing at various objects and chattering away while the young boy squealed with glee. At first, Lori was content to watch them at a distance, but before long, her curiosity got the best of her, and she decided to approach them.

"Okay, I'll bite," she said. "What are you two up to?"

"Lori, Lori!" cried Lincoln, beaming. "Did you know that Lynn knows all about nature?"

Nature? This piqued Lori's curiosity even further, since she had never seen Lynn as a particularly bookish child.

"You don't say," said Lori, rubbing her chin.

"Uh-huh! She's teaching me all sorts of neat things!"

He then pointed to a tree that stood a few feet away from them. "Hey, Lynn? What'd you say this tree was called?"

"A maple tree!" said Lynn. "They call it that 'cause it gives us maple syrup."

Lincoln gasped. "Aw, no way! From where?"

"From the trunk!" said Lynn. "You squeeze it real, real hard and then syrup comes out!"

With his excitement swelling at the prospect of tasting fresh pancake syrup, Lincoln lunged towards the tree, only for Lynn to stop him cold by grabbing his shirt collar.

"Not so fast, Lincoln. This tree's not fully grown yet, so the syrup's not ripe. It'll taste all yucky."

Lincoln's smile dissolved. "...oh," he muttered. "Well, how can you tell when it's ready?"

"By counting the roots," said Lynn. She pointed towards the ground and counted off each of the roots she could see. "One, two, three, four, five, six. See? You need ten to get good syrup."

"Oh, okay."

It was at this point that Lori finally decided to speak up. The explanation of how syrup is extracted from a maple already sounded a bit sketchy, but she was quite positive that you couldn't tell how old a tree was by counting its roots.

"Lynn, I don't think that's-"

"Oh, hey, look at that, Lincoln!" chirped Lynn, cutting Lori off. "An earthworm!"

While she was counting up the roots, Lynn spied an earthworm slithering through the grass, and saw another opportunity to share her treasure trove of knowledge.

Lynn bent down, grasped the worm between her thumb and forefinger, and held it aloft, letting it flail about in her grip. Lincoln stared at the worm with a mixture of disgust and amusement.

"Ew, gross!" he cried, cringing a bit. "Why is it so slimy?"

"'Cause it needs to be in order to climb through the dirt," said Lynn. "Otherwise, it'd get stuck."

"Oh, that makes sense."

"And just think: in a few months, it'll grow into a great big snake!"

Lincoln gasped, throwing his hands onto his cheeks. "Oh my gosh! Really?!"

And once again, Lori felt the need to step in. She was no expert on biology, but she was almost positive that worms and snakes were two different animals.

"Wait, wait, wait. Lynn, you literally have to know that's wrong. Worms aren't reptiles."

"Yuh-huh!" said Lynn, holding the earthworm up to Lori's face and pointing to its tightly coiled tail. "See? It even has a rattle on its tail, like a snake does!"

Lori backed off a bit, squeamish from the sight of the worm that was shoved in her face. "Lynn, that's not- that's a-"

"Anyway, let's put it back in the dirt," interrupted Lynn. "It'll die if we hold it for too long."

She knelt down and released the earthworm, which promptly scurried back underground. "Besides, I got something else to show you!"

Lynn grabbed ahold of Lincoln's wrist and sprinted over to a nearby pond, with Lori struggling to keep up behind. Lynn was notorious for exhausting everyone who ever babysat her, as she'd sprint off in a random direction at a moment's notice. Once they got to the pond, Lynn pointed her finger towards a flock of brown ducks circling the water.

"Look, Lincoln!" she cheered. "Ducks! Aren't they neat?"

"They sure are!" said Lincoln. "But how do they float so good?"

Lynn looked down at her younger brother, raising an eyebrow. "Hmm?"

"Because, like, when Mom takes me to the swimming pool, it's hard for me to float," Lincoln explained. "But ducks do it so easy. How do they do it?"

Lynn looked down at Lincoln with a prideful smirk and a twinkle in her eye. Once again, she was presented with a golden opportunity to educate him.

"Well, think about it, Lincoln. What else floats in water?"

"Umm..."

Lincoln paused a bit, as he tried to visualize an ocean and asked himself what he might see floating in it.

"Pirate ships! Pirate ships float!"

"And what are pirate ships made out of?" asked Lynn.

"Um... um... wood! Wood floats!" he squealed, beaming with pride after making that deduction.

"Mm-hmm," said Lynn. "So why do ducks float?"

Lori narrowed her eyes at the two children as she waited for Lincoln's response; technically, everything Lynn had said thus far was true, but Lori had a feeling that she knew exactly where Lynn was taking this.

"Because they're made of wood?" asked Lincoln.

"Ex-actly," said Lynn.

I knew it, thought Lori. Time to put a stop to this.

"Lynn, that's ridiculous," she said. "Wood comes from plants. There's no such thing as a wooden animal."

Lynn, appalled at having her knowledge challenged, marched up to Lori, pouting and puffing up her cheeks." Oh, yeah? Well, what about woodchucks?"

Lori sighed, knowing full well this was coming. Lynn was the kind of kid who had a retort for everything. "They're not made of wood either," she said. "They're called that because they live in the woods."

"So if they lived on the beach, would they be called beachchucks?" Lynn asked derisively. "If they lived in your house, would they be called housechucks?"

"No!" cried Lori. "I mean, maybe, but-"

"Hey, Lincoln!" sneered Lynn, nudging her little brother in the ribs. "Next time we go to the beach, let's look for some beachchucks!"

Lincoln doubled over into a laughing fit, all while a beleaguered Lori floundered about trying to get a word in edgewise.

"You're silly, Lori," Lincoln said upon regaining his composure. All Lori could produce in response was a low, guttural groan.

'''[Author's Note: For the record, neither Lynn nor Lori are correct. The word "woodchuck" is derived from the Algonquian word wuchuk.]'''

A moment later, a nippy spring breeze blew past the three of them, chilling their skin and causing them to shiver.

"Brr... maybe I should've brung a jacket," said Lincoln.

"Me too," said Lynn. After the breeze subsided, Lori saw that familiar know-it-all smile return to Lynn's face, and she could only dread what was coming next.

"Hey, Lincoln, ever wonder where wind comes from?"

Oh, God, not again, thought Lori, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Gee, Lynn, I dunno. Where does wind come from?"

Lynn folded her arms across her chest and gave Lincoln a self-satisfied smile, revealing nothing short of absolute confidence in the answer she was about to give him.

Lori gave Lynn a pointed glare. "Lynn, I swear to God, if you-"

"Trees sneezing."

Lori, unprepared for an answer that preposterous, let out a stream of incomprehensible gibberish and half-formed phrases. "I -wha- fa- you- that- that isn't - you literally- trees sneezing?!"

"Yep!" said Lynn. "That's why it's so windy in the spring and the winter. In the spring, they all get allergies and hay fever, and in the winter they all start catching colds!"

"Lynn, that's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" cried Lori. "Trees don't sneeze! They don't even have noses!"

Lynn put her hands on her hips and gave Lori a defiant scowl, craning her neck up to meet the eldest's eyes. "Then where does wind come from, Miss Smarty Pants?"

"Lynn, everyone knows it comes from... um..."

Lori froze up. Now that she thought about it, she wasn't quite sure where wind came from. She was quite positive it wasn't "trees sneezing", but just because she knew what it wasn't didn't mean that she knew what it was. Back in her early days of elementary school, she had learned all about phenomena like rain and snow and fog and moonlight, but she failed to recall ever learning about wind. Was the truth just too complicated for her grade level?

Probably, but Lori doubted that Lynn would accept that answer as anything but a lame excuse. Still, as far as she knew, it was the only way she could try to save face.

"It's complicated, okay? You'll understand when you're older."

Lynn sneered. "Yeah, right. You just don't know."

"Do so!" snapped Lori. "I just don't feel like trying to explain it to someone like... like..."

Finally, exhausted from her efforts to deal with Lynn, Lori heaved out a groan of defeat, threw up her hands and started trudging away.

"Forget it. I give up. Have fun, you two."

Lori made her way back towards their parents, presumably to ask if Leni or Luna could watch them instead. As she did, Lynn looked on with an expression of triumph on her face, while her younger brother bore one of bemusement. After that moment passed, Lincoln gazed up at Lynn, his eyes widened with wonder and youthful naiveté.

"Hey, Lynn? How'd you get to be so smart?"

Lynn chuckled. "It's part of being a big sister," she said with a shrug. "You gotta learn lots and lots of cool stuff to teach your little brother."

Lincoln's face lit up. "Does that mean I'll get to teach all this stuff to baby Lucy?"

Lynn bent down and gave Lincoln's hair a good tousling, making him giggle. "One day, Lincoln. One day."