User blog:Epar Lana/The Louds MST The Irate Gamer S1E3

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIi0vT-AYDw

NOTE: Episode 4's MST is still being worked on as of this writing.

The Louds sat at their usual places on the couch. “Hello, and welcome to our third Chris-Tube MST!” said Lincoln.

“Hi!” said eight of the sisters.

“Greetings,” said Lisa.

“Hiyah!” said Lily.

Lincoln looks and sees Lola with a 36-pack of water bottles. “What’s that?”

“Every time he cusses, I’m gonna drink an entire water bottle!”

The other siblings looked at each other uncomfortably, then look back at the screen to watch the next video.

The game’s title screen rolls in, and Bores says, “Ah, Goonies 2. Now this is a game I remember fondly playing when I was only about eight years old.” Content from the game appears. “I loved that movie so much, I had to rush out and get the video game, but as much as I love the movie, I just had the exact opposite reaction towards this game.”

Bores cuts to a later part of the game and says, “Now before we even begin with the review, there’s one thing that must be addressed.” The game’s cover appears. “And that’s the title of this game, which is called, Goonies 2.”

“Way to state the obvious,” said Lucy.

'''”Now, already I’m confused.” A scene from the original appears as he says, “Is this supposed to be a sequel to a movie? If this is the case, then I gotta admit, for a sequel of a big-time movie to only be available on a video game format is just amazing. So if that isn’t the case, then it’s gotta be option two: that is game is just a sequel to a previous video game. So if there is a Goonies 1 video game floating around out there, then I insist on playing that one first!”'''

“Show of hands: who thinks it’s option one?” asked Lincoln. Everyone, himself included, raised their hands.

'''”Bores takes out a Castlevania 3 cartridge, followed by a Castlevania cartridge. “I mean, who would play Castlevania 3 before Castlevania 1? The very thought of doing such a thing is just sickening, and I think it’s punishable by death in a couple countries.” He throws both cartridges behind him and adds, “F***.”'''

As Lola downs her first water bottle, Lisa says, “I know it’s punishable by death in no countries at all.”

The inside of a video game store appears as Bores says, “But I’ve been to a lot of video game stores in my time, and I never once saw Goonies 1 sitting on any retail shelves.”

The game’s title screen appears as Bores says, “So maybe, just maybe, there’s a third option to this enigma: maybe someone just royally f***** up the numbering system on this game.” A red X appears over the II, with a sound effect playing with it.

Lola downs a second water bottle, while an annoyed Lori says, “Can’t you just admit it’s a sequel to the movie?”

“Also, nice special effect,” said an unimpressed Luan.

'''Donkey Kong appears while Bores says, “I mean, this could be the exact thing that happened to the Donkey Kong video games. Allow me to explain.”'''

The siblings all groaned as one. “Great; we’re over a minute and a half into a seven minute, forty second video and he hasn’t played the game yet,” moaned Lynn.

'''The screen faded to blue, and Bores said, “First there was the popular Donkey Kong video game, which became an instant classic.” The cover of the first game appeared. “Then after that, Donkey Kong Junior came out; this time you played as Donkey Kong’s son.” The cover of the second game appeared. “Then a few years later, out of nowhere comes Donkey Kong 3. How did this happen?” The cover of the third game appeared. “Just what the h*** happened to Donkey Kong 2?” A Donkey Kong 2 cover with a question mark appears.'''

“Simple: Donkey Kong Junior is the second game,” said Lisa. Lola meanwhile, was on her third water bottle.

“So, are we just picking numbers at random here?” asked Bores. Footage of Donkey Kong Junior appears as Bores asks, “Or is Donkey Kong Junior supposed to be the missing link here?”

The screen turns blue, with covers of the first three games appearing in a row. “If that’s the case, then why aren’t we calling Donkey Kong Junior Donkey Kong 2?” Donkey Kong Junior fades into Donkey Kong 2. Donkey Kong Junior reappears as Bores says, “It would make a lot more sense than skipping directly from number one, to number three!”

Donkey Kong 3 appears as Bores says, “In the long run, doing this kind of s*** just messes things up, and confuses everyone in the process.”

Lola, after downing her fourth water bottle, says, “Great, now I have to pee, but I’m worried he’s gonna cuss some more.”

Goonies 2 appears as Bores says, “So now it’s time for us to answer this question: what exactly is the real reason for calling this game Goonies 2?”

The title screen for the unreleased first game appears as Bores says, “Well, there actually was a Goonies 1 video game.”

The siblings looked surprised at this. “Still doesn’t explain why we’re well over two minutes in without playing the game,” said Lynn.

'''The first Goonies game appears on screen as Bores says, “And this is the sequel. But guess what? The game was only released in Japan. How come it always seems like we’re gettin’ f***** in the a** when it comes to game selection here in America? Talk about a s***load of s***!”'''

“Heeeere we goooo,” mused Lana, as Lola downed her fifth through eighth bottles together, and then she started sitting cross-legged with her hands resting on her urinary system.

“‘A s***load of s***?’” asked an incredulous Luan.

“Five minutes left, guys,” said Lincoln.

'''Goonies 2 finally appears on the screen as Bores says, “Now when you first start Goonies 2, you’ll see the bad guys from the movie appear, and they’ll tell you that they’ve broken out of jail, and kidnapped your friend Annie.” The screen pauses. “Annie? Who the h*** is Annie?” asks Bores.'''

Lola moans as she downs her ninth bottle.

”Was she in the film?” asks Bores. The cover of the movie appears, and Bores says, “Well, I’ve got the DVD, and I know for a fact she’s not in it.”

The gameplay reappears, and Bores says, “So now it begs the question: why does Mikey have to rescue her? Doesn’t this town have any police officers to do this kind of work? And during the game, you also have to go around and help your other Goonies friends to escape. So, how the h*** did they end up getting kidnapped?”

Lola downs her tenth bottle, and she says, “Oh, I can’t take it much longer!”

'''”You know, a little backstory would’ve helped here…” The game’s cover appears. “...because this video game storyline is more confusing than the f****** title.”'''

Lola drinks her eleventh bottle, and she finally ends up letting loose. Lincoln, Lynn, and Luan all let out exclaims of disgust and inch away from her, while Lana says, “Awesome!”

Bores appears and says, “Now Goonies 2 is a very hard game to play. No, let me rephrase that. Goonies 2 is a very hard game to figure out.”

The game reappears. “First off there are no stages or levels to advance. And you just have to wander around aimlessly collecting items, and trying to figure out where you can use them! Now, the main you’ll be doing is collecting items like a hammer, some scuba gear, glasses, and using them in rooms like this, in order to find hidden objects. And that becomes a whole long process, too! Anything here?” Bores hits a door, and finds nothing. “Nope.” He then tries the hammer on the same door. “OK, let’s try the hammer on this wall.” Also nothing. “Nope,” Bores says the exact same way as last time.

“Did he just reuse the same sound bite?” asked Luna.

'''Bores tries the hammer on the wall opposite the one with the door. “Now how about this wall?” He also gets nothing, causing him to exhale in frustration. Bores goes into a different room and says, “Alright let’s try this room.” He hits the wall opposite that room’s door, and also gets nothing, causing him to groan out, “What the f***?”'''

Lola drinks her twelfth bottle, with Lincoln, Lynn, and Luan staring at her nervously, Lana staring at her eagerly, and the others at her with indifference.

As Bores leaves the room, he says, “It would be more enjoyable to rip the hair out of my a** than to play this game.”

“Ewww!” cried the siblings. Lola then takes her thirteenth bottle.

Bores is in another room, and he says, “Now most the time using your hammer on these walls reveals huge doors behind them.”

“That sentence was full of errors,” said Lisa.

”I guess whoever put up the drywall on this house really f***** up big time,” said Bores.

Lola downs her fourteenth bottle.

'''”Now lookie here: another Goonie to rescue.” A message appears, stating, with no space after the comma, “THANK YOU, MIKEY. YOU’RE BRAVER THAN BRAND.” Bores zooms in on it and asks, “You’re braver than Brand? What the f*** is that supposed to mean?”'''

Lola takes her fifteenth bottle.

'''Bores sets the zoom back to the whole screen, and says, “I can honestly say I’ve never heard this term used in my entire life! Oh this game p***** me off.”'''

Lola takes her sixteenth bottle.

'''Bores is now out of the room he was in and says, “But let’s talk about these rooms for a second.” He then goes into another one. “Half the time they don’t even make no sense at all.”'''

“That’s a double negative, Mr. Bores,” said Lisa.

Bores pushes the up button and says, “Now, when you push the up button on your control pad, the most logical action would be for your character to move forward.” Bores ends up leaving the room and he says, “But sometimes pushing the up button on your control pad moves you backwards right out of the f****** room!”

Lola takes her seventeenth bottle, and she starts feeling uncomfortable again.

As Bores goes in and out of another room, he says, “I mean, come on! Can we at least keep some consistency in this game?”

Bores is now in a different area, and he says, “But that’s not all that doesn’t make sense. On this screen you’ll see a gaping chasm to the right. If you fall into it, you die a horrible death.”

“What did you think was going to happen?” asked Lori.

'''”Now wait a minute,” said Bores. A record scratches, and a green circle appears over a ladder. “Over here is a ladder leading down to the next screen below. The exact same location where my character just died.” The area below where Bores was appears. “I mean, there’s nothin’ dangerous down here but another floor. I’m not sure why your character can’t just fall down to the next screen below.” Bores, in another area, tries to do just that, and ends up dying. “F***!” he cries out.'''

Lola drinks her eighteenth bottle. “Oooooh,” she moans in pain.

'''Bores respawns. “Now, there are a lot of ladders and vines in this game that you’ll have to end up climbing,” he says. In another area, he adds, “But the downside is you can’t use your weapons while you’re on ‘em.” Bores is now in another area. “So when a bird or an enemy is coming at you, you just gotta sit there like a b**** and take it.”'''

Lola takes her nineteenth bottle, and she ends up cross-legged again.

”What the f***?!” Bores cries out as he climbs a ladder.

Lola takes her twentieth bottle.

'''”Now, another thing that doesn’t make any sense, is when you die, you end up losing all the keys you’ve collected. I’m not sure why they chose to do this, but it just p***** me off when I really need one.” He tries to use a key, only to be told he doesn’t have one. “D*****!”'''

Lola takes her twenty first and twenty second bottles, and she puts her hands over her bladder.

'''”I just had six keys a minute ago,” said Bores. He then appears to say, “One of the greatest things about this game, is the ability to hit people.”'''

“Hey, he’s not wrong!” Lynn happily says before slugging Lincoln in the arm.

“Ow!”

Bores holds up a hammer and says, “Or to smack ‘em with your trusty hammer.”

“OK; that’s where I draw the line,” said a no longer amused Lynn.

'''Bores uses a hammer on a person in the game. “Like this old, defenseless woman. What could be better than smashing your hammer into her old wrinkled face?” The woman says PLEASE! HELP ME!, and Bores says, “Yeah; take that!”'''

The siblings looked mortified. “What is wrong with this guy?” asked Lincoln.

'''Bores does the same thing, and gets the same response. “And that!”'''

“This guy is so immature,” said Lucy.

'''Bores hits the lady this time, and her response is OUCH! WHAT DO YOU DO?. “And that!”'''

“Ehh, rule of three, right?” Luan tried to brighten up the mood.

'''”What did she just say?” Bores asks. He zooms in on the text and says, “What do you do? That doesn’t make sense! Does she mean, ‘What did you do?’” He breathes out, then says, “I can’t even take pleasure in beating her up because some a****** forgot to proofread this game!” He hits the lady again.'''

“Nope,” said Luan, disappointed the rule of three was subverted.

“You’re one to talk about grammar errors, sir,” said Lisa.

Lola took down her twenty third bottle, and sure enough, she let loose again, making the siblings (sans Lana) cry out in disgust.

”And how do you miss something like this? Every character in this game says the line if you hit ‘em!” Bores hits another character.

Bores himself then appears and says, “It just totally flips my s***!” He slams his hammer down.

Lola drinks her twenty fourth bottle.

'''The game reappears, and Bores says, “Now after you’ve saved all your friends, you can now go and save Annie.” After doing so, he says, “So, after saving Annie, we find out that she’s not even a Goonie at all, but a mermaid. Boy, whose stupid f*****’ idea was this?”'''

Lola drinks her twenty fifth bottle.

''' The screen changes to a news report, and Bores says, “This ending makes no sense whatsoever. Now after you save Annie, a news reporter appears on the screen, and tells you that Annie has been saved, and the bad guys have been arrested. Um, excuse me, but aren’t we missing the bigger story here?” He zooms in on Annie and says, “Annie’s a f****** mermaid!”'''

Lola drinks her twenty sixth bottle.

”Shouldn’t this be the top news story for today?”

Bores appears and says, “I gotta say that finding a mermaid would be a pretty groundbreaking event. But just like this game, this ending makes no sense whatsoever. So, I’m gonna be like Mike, and I’m gonna use a hammer he collected, and beat the s*** outta this game!”</b>

Lola drinks her twenty seventh bottle.

“Don’t you mean hammer you collected? I’m confused,” said Lana.

'''Bores sets the cartridge down, and the camera angle changes to the perspective of the cartridge. Once the hammer starts to strike, the screen cuts black with a thud.'''

“Ahhhh!” Leni screamed in terror.

“Leni, the video is over,” said Lincoln.

“Oh.”

Later that day…

The parents had come home to see the pee stains on the couch. “Charles, bad dog!” Lynn Sr. exclaimed as he hit Charles with a rolled up paper.

THE END