User blog:Metool Bard/Fanfiction: Missing Linc (Chapter 14)

Chapter 14: Fecal Forensics
While it was a bit of a trek, finding the facilities in Tetherby’s estate was not as difficult as I anticipated. In hindsight, I probably should’ve asked for directions, but Lily was really in a hurry to show me what she found. I must confess, I’m a bit skeptical of how relevant her findings are. Lily may be intelligent for her age, but her mind is still developing. It’s possible her budding intuition is mistaken about Tetherby’s involvement in Lincoln’s abduction. Nevertheless, I will withhold judgement until I see this evidence for myself.

Though looking at Tetherby’s lavatorial facilities (street name: “bathroom”), I have a sneaking suspicion that he never had any plans to raise a family of his own. I can overlook the lack of a changing station; this is a private residence, after all. However, the sink is far too high up, and there’s no step stool for me to use. Meaning I’ll have to change Lily on the marble floor. That shouldn’t be a problem for me; I’ve made do with less. I just need to be extra careful not to contaminate the lavatory with Lily’s scatological material.

Speaking of Lily, I should probably say something to her. As a child of four, I’m not accustomed to being put into this position. If anything, my experiments have lead me to getting into more trouble than Lily ever has. But it’s imperative that she understands the consequences of her actions. I sighed and set her down on the floor, looking her right in the eye.

“Lily, you have to know that running off like you did was very dangerous,” I scolded. “You’re lucky you weren’t seriously injured. I understand that finding Lincoln is important to you, but we can’t just chase every anomaly in the hopes that we’ll find him. Now, I don’t want you doing anything that reckless again, do you hear me?”

Lily nodded. “[Okay. I’m sorry,]” she said.

“Right,” I said. “Now, let’s get you changed.”

I unslung my satchel from my shoulder and rummaged around for some spare diapers. Luckily, I did have the foresight to pack them. Never let it be said that I don’t come prepared. Okay, let’s see what we’ve got here…

Right away, I found two things out of the ordinary in Lily’s diaper. The first was a silver ring with an engraving. I removed the ring with a pair of tweezers and observed it carefully. D.O.. It appears to be someone’s initials. Unfortunately, I can’t think of anyone with those initials off of the top of my head. I considered running a DNA analysis, but it’s likely that it was contaminated by Lily’s stool. There isn’t much I can do about that.

The second object of interest was a charred piece of paper covered in soot. From the appearance of the letter and the scent of the ashes, I presume that Lily found this in Tetherby’s fireplace. I unfolded the paper as carefully as I could, hoping that at least part of it was legible. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. Most of the writing had been immolated by the flames, and what little I could make out didn’t seem to be…

Hold on. I just spotted the word “movie.”  It might be a coincidence, but let’s see what comes before that word. Hmm. It’s hard to make out, but whatever it is, it starts with an F and ends with a G. Judging by the roughly 8 1/2 by 11 size of the document and the use of Courier font, I can infer that the word or phrase is fifteen characters in length. Most curious. I wonder if…

“[Did you find something, Lisa?]” Lily asked.

“Maybe,” I said, taking out HARV. I had it scan the letter and entered the data from my hypothesis. While I did get an error saying that there wasn’t enough information, I kept fine-tuning the instructions until HARV understood that all I wanted was the phrase before the word “movie.”  It printed out a holographic copy of the letter, and I compared it to the original. It was just as I suspected. The title “Full House Gang” matched up perfectly to the fifteen spaces before the word “movie.”

“Fascinating,” I mused. “So Tetherby is somehow connected to the Full House Gang movie. Perhaps you were onto something after all, Lily.”

“[I told you,]” Lily said smugly.

I gave her a look. “Don’t think that absolves you from running off on your own,” I stated plainly.

Lily pouted. “[You don’t need to rub it in,]” she griped. “[But anyway, what now? Lord Tetherby said we had to leave once you finished changing me.]”

She raises a good point. Tetherby was not inclined to have us stick around and ask him questions. However, this lead can’t be ignored. If Lincoln’s abduction is connected to the Full House Gang movie, and the Full House Gang movie is connected to Tetherby, then it logically follows that Tetherby is connected to Lincoln’s abduction. Mind you, this is all just speculation, but the only way to prove its validity is to continue investigating and find the truth.

“Considering the size of this estate, no one would question us if we said we got lost,” I pondered aloud. “Perhaps we can take advantage of that and try to find more evidence.”  I then gave Lily a stern look. “But we’ll have to be cautious, so do not leave my side unless I tell you otherwise.”

“[Yes’m,]” Lily said with a salute. She then wrinkled her nose. “[Um, before that…]”

Oh, right. Lily still needed to have her diaper changed. I swear, this kind of thing would never happen to the likes of Hercule Poirot. Well, that’s what I get for having an infant for a partner, I suppose. I’m just glad I managed to bring some hand sanitizer as well. Again, Tetherby did not instruct the lavatory’s architect to take children into account when designing the facility. Here’s hoping Lily cooperates and doesn’t make too much of a mess.

***

Well, the good news is that I managed to change Lily with minimal complications. Now we just need to figure out where to start looking. First thing first, we need to figure out who wrote this letter and why Tetherby is so averse to maintaining written correspondence with this individual. Ergo, our first stop should be his study. Wherever that is.

Hmph, how ironic. I proposed that we used the size of the manor as an excuse for our prolonged absence, but now it feels like we might actually get lost. And I doubt anyone on Tetherby’s staff is going to direct us to the study. We don’t have many options here.

“Lily, do you remember the room where you found this letter?” I inquired.

Lily nodded.

“Can you take me to it?”

Lily saluted and scuttled off. I followed her until we reached a large private library. Indeed, there was a fireplace in the corner. I took a closer look. Hmm. It’s hard to tell without further testing, but on the surface, these ashes appear to be somewhat recent. Tetherby must’ve burned the letter no later than this morning, possibly right after he had his servant fetch the mail. That would explain why it wasn’t completely destroyed when Lily found it.

“[Lookie look! He left his book!]”

I turned around to see Lily pointing at a large chair with fine leather upholstery. On the chair was an Ace Savvy comic book. Perhaps it’s the same one Tetherby bought at Flip’s? That still begs the question as to why he’d be interested in the franchise. I walked over and took a look at the comic.

Wait a tick. This issue is The Full House Gang #1, the officially published version of the fan comic Lincoln and Clyde submitted for the contest. That may coincide with my hypothesis about the contents of the burnt letter. Does Tetherby have a hand in the Full House Gang movie? That doesn’t make much sense at face value. What would a tetherball tycoon have to gain from funding a comic book blockbuster? Curiouser and curiouser.

“Lord Tetherby, sir?  Telephone for you.”

Dang it. That must be one of Tetherby’s servants. If he catches us, our investigation will be drawn to a close before we have all the evidence we need. Lily frowned and turned to me.

“[Please tell me you still have my dirty diaper,]” she said.

…

It sometimes frightens me how perceptive Lily is for her age. I do in fact still have her dirty diaper in my possession. I-it’s for my fecal research; get off of my proverbial back. Still, we made such a concerted effort not to make a mess in Tetherby’s abode. If we start doing that now, the police aren’t going to look favorably upon us. But as I heard footsteps from down the hall, I realized that we may not have a choice. I let out a reluctant sigh.

“Very well. But try to minimize the damage,” I said. I reached into my satchel and pulled out Lily’s weapon of choice. Funnily enough, Lily’s character in the Full House Gang, the Deuce, also uses dirty diapers as a weapon. Talk about life imitating art.

Lily took the improvised ammunition from me and hid it in her clean diaper. While I hid behind the fireplace, she crawled over towards the footsteps. I saw the butler wrinkle his nose and look down.

“Wh-what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Poo-poo,” said Lily.

The butler raised an eyebrow. “Do I look like I know how to change you? Go bother someone else.”

Lily scowled. “Poo-poo!” she snapped. She then reached into her diaper. Her motions a blur, she flung the dirty diaper right into the butler’s face. The butler’s scream dissolved into sputtering of complete confusion. Obviously, he has never had to deal with a baby before. Certainly not a baby as rambunctious as Lily. Lily giggled at the butler’s plight and took off down the hall.

“H-hey! Get back here!” the butler shouted as he gave chase. Well, that probably bought me some time. Hopefully, I can use the excuse that Lily is a baby who doesn’t know any better to smooth things over with our police escort. For now, I’d better find some conclusive evidence connecting Tetherby to Lincoln’s kidnapping.

Hmm. It appears the library doesn’t yield any more clues in its present state. But, what if I looked at this from a different angle? I took another look at the burnt letter. Upon further inspection, the only damage to this document was caused by the fire. It’s crumpled, yes, but the uniform appearance of the creases show that it was crumpled by the flames, not by hand. Did Tetherby even read this? It looks like I’ll have to have HARV from some simulations.

First, I programmed a hypothetical scenario where Tetherby read the contents of the letter, taking into account his temperament. Indeed, the simulation showed Tetherby crumpling up the paper and tossing it into the fire. If that were the case, the letter would’ve been rendered completely illegible, thus it could not be used as evidence. But as we discovered earlier, a minuscule amount of it survived. How could that be?

I decided to tweak the simulation a bit. This time, I had it so that Tetherby’s butler threw the letter into the fireplace, envelope and all. Now, just time accelerate, and…

Eureka! This revised simulation matches what Lily found. While the letter was mostly destroyed, the flames curled inward, meaning that part of the letter was still intact. From this, I deduce that whoever wrote this letter has been blacklisted by Tetherby. The staff were under instruction to destroy all correspondence with this individual. Given that it would be difficult to ask the staff directly about their orders, I think it’s time I paid a visit to the servant’s quarters.

“N-no! Don’t you dare! Get down from there this instant! Cease! Desist!”

Then again, maybe I can use Lily’s antics to my advantage. I followed the din into the kitchen, where indeed, Lily was causing quite a ruckus. She kept knocking items off of the countertop, and the butler scrambled to catch them all. Fortunately, nothing seemed to be broken, though I attribute that to the butler’s dexterity more than anything. Seriously, I applaud him for his magnificent display of stamina.

“Do you require assistance, good sir?” I asked.

The butler looked at me as though I had decided to show him my extra toe. Did I misspeak?

“I-I have everything under control,” he said. “No need to trouble yourself.”

Hmph. False bravado if I ever heard it. I adjusted my glasses.

“Do forgive Lily. She is a mere infant, and she doesn’t quite understand proper discipline,” I said. “I happen to be her sister, Lisa Loud.”

The butler did a double take. “Loud? You don’t mean the same Loud who wrote that Full House Gang comic, do you?”

“The very same.”

The butler’s composure faltered even more. “O-oh dear…”

“Is something the matter?”

The butler’s response to the negatory was interrupted by Lily dropping an ornate spoon, which he caught. The pigment in his face changed to a violent hue of red.

“When I get my hands on you, I’m kicking you both out myself!” he barked.

“Might I propose an easier solution?” I suggested. “I’ll reign Lily in if you answer a question for me.”

“I-I have nothing to say to you!”

I shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

At that moment, Lily managed to get her hands on a very expensive-looking piece of china. The butler’s arms and legs were filled to capacity; there was no way he could save that dish in time. And he knew it.

“F-fine!” he sputtered. “Just get her to stop!”

“Very well,” I said, turning to Lily. “Lily, no.  That is not appropriate.”

Lily nodded and placed the dish back onto the counter. The butler breathed a sigh of relief. Alright, I promised him I’d only ask one question. What should it be?

…

I got it.

“Good sir, could you tell me about this letter?”

I showed the burnt letter to the butler. The butler raised an eyebrow.

“What of it?”

“Lily found it in the fireplace,” I explained. “Notice how the paper itself has only been immolated. There is not a crumple or tear to be found. Tell me, did you discard this letter into the fireplace?”

The butler nodded. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“I-I don’t have to tell you that.”

I shrugged. “I suppose you don’t. Lily?”

Lily giggled and grabbed the fancy plate again. The butler’s face lost all color.

“A-alright, alright!” he relented. “W-we were instructed to ignore all communication from a certain individual. When I saw the letter in the mail, I burned it in the fireplace.”

“I see,” I mused. “And who exactly is this individual?”

The butler snorted angrily, but before he could defy me, I pointed to Lily again. The butler gulped and nodded.

“A-a Mr. Dirk O’Donnell. H-he’s an old friend of the Tetherby family, but they recently had a falling out,” the butler explained.

Dirk O’Donnell. Those initials do indeed match the ones engraved in the silver ring. But wait. Lily found this ring here today. This falling out must’ve been pretty recent. What could’ve caused it?

“I don’t suppose you can give me any details about this Mr. O’Donnell, can you?”

The butler scoffed. “That is where I draw the line, young lady. You have no right to pry into Lord Tetherby’s private affairs like that. And if you threaten me with that baby again, I’ll tell him you’re in here destroying his property. I suggest you leave.”

I probably should have expected that. It’s clear that a wealthy man like Tetherby would value his privacy, thus he would instruct his staff not to divulge any details about his personal affairs. Nevertheless, my brother’s life hangs in the balance. I cannot let such inconveniences bar me from the truth. It’s the same approach I take with my experiments.

“I think that’ll be all,” I said. “Again, I apologize for my sister’s behavior.” I reached into my satchel and pulled out a grabber claw. “Alright, Lily. Let’s leave the nice gentleman to clean up this mess you made.”

Ever so carefully, I plucked Lily from the counter and set her on the ground. We then left the butler in the kitchen and headed to the museum room, where Tetherby and the police were waiting.

“[We’re not just going to leave, are we?]” Lily asked.

Of course, we both knew the answer to that question. I believe it’s safe to infer that Lord Tetherby is somehow connected to all this. When I mentioned that I was related to Lincoln, the butler had an adverse reaction. And given how the letter appears to mention the Full House Gang movie, it’s possible that this Dirk O’Donnell character is involved as well. Though I must reiterate that this is merely supposition. We have the pieces to the puzzle, but we don’t know how they fit together. However, I know someone who does.

“Oh, we’ll leave, dear sibling,” I said, pressing my glasses against the bridge of my nose. “But not before we’ve had a little chat with our distinguished host. It appears he has quite a bit of explaining to do…”

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