User blog comment:Dragonzako/Another NSL Fanfic/@comment-31022739-20180403234200

Okay, so I don’t want to be that guy, but I had a few issues with this story. It’s admirable that you wanted to “do right” with the NSL subgenre, but I think you made some missteps that keep this from being a good story.

First of all, there’s the resolution. The way everyone was talking about how they’re the ones to blame for this or that didn’t feel authentic. I think IronRaphRa was right on the money when he said that this story was riddled with Author Tract; I didn’t feel like these were the real characters talking to each other. Rather, it felt was more so like you were using them as mouthpieces to air your feelings about the episode. Overall, the dialogue felt a bit ham-fisted with its presentation.

Second, and even more glaring, was the resolution. Lynn and the others acted way too quick and sudden to realize that they had treated Lincoln wrongly. Their superstitious convictions were pretty unshakable in NSL, meaning that it only makes sense for something dramatic to get them back to reality. The absence of that experience makes their remorse artificial and contrived.

Lastly, your prose needs some work. You’ll get better with time, but this was a story that really needed an edge to it and having a surface-level understanding of everyone’s emotions doesn’t give the story enough of an emotional tone.

Other than that, I can say that your grammar and formatting was adequate. And again, your intentions are noble. I just think that you ought to consider taking another look at your future work, before you have it published, and making sure that you’re using enough imagery to spice up your emotionally-charged narrative, you’re not using the characters as a part of an author-sponsored PSA, and you’re not making resolutions hasty.