Cooked!/Script

The following is a transcript for the episode "Cooked!".

Act I
[The episode begins with Lincoln applying some paint to a building] Lincoln: [To the viewers, excited] "Today's the big day. The grand opening of my dad's restaurant, Lynn's Table. That's right, his dream of opening his own place is finally coming true. But let me tell ya, it hasn't been easy getting here." ''[Lincoln looks up as it pans up to the restaurant's sign. Fade transition flashback to a different sign that reads "Something Fishy Restaurant".]'' Lincoln: "First, Dad had to find a place." ''[The Loud family looks at the restaurant that their dad picked out. The outside of the building appears to be grody-looking, and the fish head on top of the building rotates slowly for a second, and then short circuits. Everyone, expect for Lynn Sr. and Lana, looks aghast at the worn down restaurant]'' Lynn Sr.: So, what do you guys think? [Lily raspberries disapprovingly] Lola: [Pinching her nose in disgust] "I think, it stinks!" Lana: "That's the best part! [Inhales the scent] Cod, with a hint of lobster paste." ''[Lincoln, Lola, and Lisa are nauseated. Just then, a butterfly flies past them and it lands on the giant fish head, which shakes the second it does, resulting in falling off, completely avoiding the Louds, who scream at the incoming impact. The fish head then bounces off offscreen.]'' Lynn Sr.: "Look, it's going upstream to spawn." [laughs] [The fish head crashes into Vanzilla.] Lynn: "Yeah, on your car." Lynn Sr.: [notices] "AAHH!" [runs up to the destroyed van] "Ah--oh-oh no, not Vanzilla." Lincoln: "Once dad bought the old fish shack, we all pitched in to fix it up." [A truck backs up to the old restaurant.] "Coming through." [The family set to work on the new restaurant.] "Lynn handled the demolition." [Lynn tears up a part of a wall.] Lynn: "You want me to knock down that wall too Dad?" [Runs to said wall] Lynn Sr.: "No no, no no, no no no no no, that one's load-bearing." [Starts after Lynn Jr.] Lincoln: "And Lana fixed up the bathrooms." Lana: "I hooked you up big time, Dad. That bathroom is so nice, I wouldn't be surprised if people stopped by just to use it." Lynn Sr.: Well I hope they'll at least buy an appetizer. [Suddenly a toilet in the other bathroom flushes, Hops comes out.] Lana: Hops was testing out the heated toilet seats. [Hops gestures that the heated seats are working perfectly] Lincoln: "And Lisa helped Dad get ready for his health inspection, though I think she was little tougher on Dad than the actual inspector." Lisa: [Measuring the distance between the dumpster and the back door] "Tsk tsk tsk, your dumpster should be a minimum of fifteen feet from your exit, you're three inches short, that's an infraction." [Lynn Sr. throws his chef hat.] "Hm, no hairnet, that's another infraction." Lincoln: "Next it was time for Dad to hire a few employees." Lynn Sr.: "So, why do you want to work here?" Mrs. Bernardo: "I was just cast as waitress number three in the Royal Woods one act festival, so I need to prepare for the role. [begins singing] Would you like a table or would you like a booth. [stops singing] Oh, did I mention it was musical?" [Rita and the kids give thumbs down.] Lynn Sr.: "So, why do you want to work here?" A. Kidd: "Yeah my parents are forcing me to get a job since I left our car's sunroof open in the rain and ruined it, but I'm like really responsible." [Rita and the kids shake their heads for no, but Leni gives two thumbs up, and everyone looks at Leni.] Leni: "What, I find him relatable." Lynn Sr.: "Why do you want to work here?" Mr. Grouse: "I don't want to work here, Loud, I came to tell you your dog went on my lawn. Feel free to pick it up." [Mr. Grouse walks off.] Lincoln: "But eventually, Dad found the perfect people for the job, his best friend and bandmate Kotaro, and Grant, the Burpin' Burger's two time employee of the month." ''[Rita and the kids give thumbs up. Lynn Sr. hires Kotaro and Grant.]'' Lynn Sr.: "Pound it guys, now blow it up." Lincoln: "The best part of helping Dad get ready was tasting the sample menu." Lynn Sr.: "Now everyone take a comment card and rate the dishes based on presentation, texture, flavor-" [Hears gnawing, and sees that everyone has already devoured the sample menu] "Slow down, I need detailed feedback." Lynn: [Belches up scraps of paper, and groans] "I just ate my comment card." [Everyone groans] [End of flashback] Lincoln: "All that's left now, are a few last minute touches." ''[Puts the paintbrush into the can, and slides down the ladder. He walks casually to the door, but Leni unknowingly hits him with it]'' Leni: [Looking for Lincoln] "Lincoln! Dad's gathering everyone!" [Doesn't see Lincoln] "Oh, I guess he's not out here." [Leni casually walks back outside, and Lincoln, having been hit by the door, falls to the ground in pain] Lynn Sr.: [As Lincoln walks in] "Hey everybody, I just wanted to say thanks for helping get this place ready." [Takes a breath, and pulls back the curtain behind him] "Ta-da!" [Everyone admires the place] "Now there's just one thing left to do, and it's kind of a biggie; publicity." [Gestures to a wagon full of flyers, and starts handing them to his kids] "Now, I had a truck load of flyers made for you kids to distribute all around town, nothing fancy just advertising "great food at a great price", I was thinking that could be our motto." Lori: [Notices something] "Uh, Dad, I think there's a typo." Lynn Sr.: "What?" [Looks at the card] "'Come on down to Lynn's table for our gah... gland opening? Ah no." Lisa: "It sounds like you're offering treatment for lymphadenitis." Lynn Sr.: "What am I gonna do? There's not enough time to reprint these. Oh, ah, this is bad, this is a - no one's gonna show up and we'll be totally sunk." [Sighs, and Rita comforts him]

Leni: "If you get a bingo, you win something free!"

Lincoln: "Well, I think we should go with my commercial idea. No offence, but...it's the most thought-out plan." Lisa: "Excuse me, hours of research went into my fries proposal." Lynn: "How are you gonna get your commercial on TV anyway, Stinkoln? Huh? Did you even think about that!?" Lincoln: "Yes I did, Lynn! Clyde's dads happen to have a connection at the TV station." Lynn: "Pfft. What a load." Lincoln: "You're just mad that no one liked your idea." Lynn: "Yeah, well, I liked it." Luan: "You also liked the taste of your own burps. Now what about my plan?" Lana: "Forget that. I say we use mine!" Lola: "No! Yours stunk big time!" Lana: "You TAKE THAT BACK!" Lola: "MAKE ME!" ''[The Twins start to fight, followed by the rest of the siblings. They stop]'' Lucy: "That's it. I'm done with this conversation!" Lori: "Well, I'm done with you guys BEING IN MY ROOM!" Lola: "Well, I'm done with looking at your face, Lori!" [The rest of the sisters minus Lori and Leni angrily go back to their rooms, but Lincoln calls out for them] Lincoln: "Guys, wait! What are we gonna do for the grand opening?" ''[However, the sisters don't listen to him and just slam the doors on him. Lincoln sighs.]'' Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Well, my sisters may be fine with dropping the ball, but I'm not. Dad's counting on us. [shuts the door like his sisters did] So I’m just gonna go ahead and make my commercial without their help. And when busload of customers show up for Dad's restaurant, he'll have me to thank. All I need now is a cameraman. [Takes out his walkie-talkie] Clyde, how would you like to help me shoot a commercial?"

Clyde: "Okay rolling." Lincoln: "Bowling?" Clyde: "No, rolling." Lincoln: "Have you ever gone out to eat with a big group and had this happen?" [Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet] Jean Juan Host: "That's a lot of people to see. Why don't you call ahead?" Lincoln: "Have you too been..." Male Voice: "Rejected!" [Aloha Comrade] Aloha Comrade Host: "It's going to be at least hour wait." Male Voice: "Rejected!" [Giovanni Changs Italian Chinese Bistro] Giovanni Changs Host: [laughs] "You're kidding, right?" Male Voice: "Rejected!" [Bangers and Mosh] Bangers and Mosh Host: "I can see you in pairs, but one person's gonna have to sit by himself." Male Voice: "Rejected! Re- Re- Re- Re- Re- Rejected!" Lincoln: "Well, then come on down to Lynn's Table. Chef Lynn will be sure to take care of your large party." ''[The wind blows the picture of Lynn Sr. off of Lincoln's hand. Lincoln gets it back.]'' "After all, when it comes to serving delicious food to big groups, This father of eleven is an expert."

[All siblings except Lori groan]

Luan: "Ooh, how about a Luan-chovy pizza." Lori: "Oh oh, chicken catcha-Lori." Lynn Sr.: "I love those, keep 'em coming." ''[Cut to an exterior shot of the house. The camera slowly zooms out as the family continues to list off potential dishes]'' Lana: "Lana-cotti." Lola: "Buffa-Lola chicken wings." Rita: "Hummus and Rita chips." Lisa "Liso soup." Lincoln: "Beef well-Lincoln." Lucy: "Lu-Caesar salad." Luna: "Luna casserole." Leni: "Ooh, I got one: hamburgers."

Cooked!/Transcript