Fandom Pains/Script

The following is a transcript for the episode "Fandom Pains".

[One dark and stormy night at the Loud House, Lucy and Edwin are getting ready to watch their favorite show] Spooky TV Announcer: You're watching Fright TV, up next, the season premiere of Vampires of Melancholia. Lucy: This is it, Edwin. A whole new season of our favorite show, can't wait to watch it, just you and me. [Just then Lori and Leni appear out of nowhere] Lori: Hey, Luce. Leni: Scoot over. Lucy: [Frightened, jumps and yelps] What are you doing here? "The Dream Boat" is on Monday nights, remember? Lori and Leni: Duh, we're here to watch VoM. Lucy: First, please don't call it that, second, you guys have never been interested in my show, why are you--? [Before she can finish, Lori and Leni climb over her to look at the screen] Lori and Leni: Ah! There he is! [On screen, a taxi pulls up in front of the castle, and Blake Bradley comes out] Blake/Tristan: Woah, this place looks sick. Lori and Leni: [Giggling screams] Blake Bradley. Lucy: Who? Lori: [Picks Lucy up] Duh, literally the cutest actor ever. Leni: [Taking Lucy from Lori] Didn't you know he was gonna be a new character on VoM? Lucy: [Gets herself down] Sigh, it's called-- Blake/Tristan: Yo! Anybody home! Lori: [Sighs] Why is he literally so dreamy? [The show changes scenes from Tristan calling for someone, to Edwin coming out] Leni: Yikes, who's that creepy guy? Lucy: That's Edwin, the main character. Blake/Tristan: H-Hey, Uncle Eddie. Edwin: Tristan, my great great great great grand nephew, this is a surprise. Blake/Tristan: Looking good, are you sure you're really three hundred? Edwin: What brings you to Melancholia? Blake/Tristan: Just thought I'd crash at casa creepy for a while. Edwin: Well, I must confess, I'm not really custom to sharing my castle with mortals. Blake/Tristan: No worries bro, I can hang with anyone, now bring it in, bro hug. [Hugs his great great great great grand uncle, much to Edwin's discomfort] Lori: [Sighs] So gorge. Leni: You can just tell, he'd be a great boyfriend. Lucy: [From underneath Lori and Leni] What is happening? [Tristan and Edwin walk upstairs, Edwin stops to look at a picture of Griselda] Edwin: Sigh. Lori: Wait, who's she? Lucy: Griselda, the other main character, she's on a quest to the underworld right now, if you guys had watched the show from the beginning you'd-- Leni: [Cutting Lucy off] Why are her teeth all pointy? Wait, his teeth are pointy too. Lucy: [Jumps up in between her sisters] Because they're vampires. [Slightly less than an hour later, the end credits are playing] Spooky TV Announcer: Tune in next week, for more Vampires of Melancholia. Lori: [Sighs] That was literally amazing. Leni: Totes, this is definitely gonna be our new Friday night thing, Lori, me, you and VoM. [Lori rubs Lucy's hair as she and Leni head upstairs.] Lucy: It's "Vampires of Melancholia"! [Sighs, and picks up Edwin] I have to put a stop to this.

[A week later, Lori is marking off the calendar] Lori: How excited are you for tonight's episode? [Goes to help Leni with the dishes] Leni: So excited, according to rumors on social media, Tristan's going to turn the dungeon into a gym. Tristan working out, can you even? [They sigh dreamily] Lucy: [Groans] Let's hope this works Edwin. [Places him on the table, takes a deep breath, and goes over to Lori and Leni] Hey guys, now that we're all, um, 'VoM heads', you have to join me in all of the super fun pre-show rituals. Lori: Rituals? Lucy: Yeah, the stuff we fans do to get in to vampire mode, [dramatic pause] you guys are going to love them. ''[She dawns an evil grin. Later, the bathroom wall is covered with pictures of vampires]'' First, you have to look the part, with a full vampire makeover. Leni: [Observes the photos] Eww, do we have to look so sickly? Lucy: Well, it's a really important part of watching the show, but if you're not in to it and you'd just go back to watching The Dream Boat. Lori: Don't be ridiculous. Come on Leni, it'll be good contouring practice, [picks up one of the photos] look how much their cheekbones pop. Leni: [Gasps] Good point. ''[Lucy growls. Later, just as Leni and Lori are finishing up, Lori gets an idea]'' Lori: Wait, [runs out of the bathroom, walks back in, scares Leni by wearing fangs, and laughs] Halloween leftovers [Leni laughs, and Lori shoves a pair into her mouth, then a pair of fangs appear in Lucy's mouth] Leni: [Pointing at her teeth, and speaking in a transylvanian accent] Look, I'm Tristan's weird old uncle. ''[Lucy covers Edwin's eyes. Later they're all in the living room]'' Lucy: Next, you have to see the world from a vampire's perspective. [Lori and Leni look at each other in confusion, later...] Lori: Uh, this is giving me a migraine. [They are revealed to be hanging upside down like bats] Leni: Yeah, and I'm getting a headache. [Lucy smiles, but it disappears when Leni gasps in excitement] Wait, is that my missing jelly sandal under the couch? [Falls down, landing on her head, and checks under the couch finding her sandal] Wahoo! Lori: [Joining Leni] And my missing ring. Leni: [Gasps, and reaches under the couch, finding two dolls that looked remarkably like her and Lori] And Lucy, I found your creepy dolls. Lucy: [Nervously takes the dolls] Give me those. Leni: We should def do this every week, we'll never lose anything again. Lucy: [Face palms herself] Sigh. [Later that evening] Next, you have to watch the show as a vampire would, in one of these [gestures to an array of coffins on the floor, they all get in one] Lori: [Holding her sore back] Uh, this provides zero lumbar support. Leni: [Holding her own sore back] It's also really hard on your back. Lori: I cannot spend a whole hour in this. [Lucy dawns a fangy smile, but it soon disappears, when Leni gets an idea] Leni: Wait, I know, [races off, and soon returns] decorative throw pillows, they'll add support, [throws the pillows to Lori and on Lucy] and a little zhuzh. Lori: Ooh, and we can use the lid to make a fun TV tray. [Lucy's jaw drops in disbelief] Lucy: Wait, there's still one more ritual. [Runs off, and returns with a pitcher of homemade blood] This is an absolute must, toasting every new episode with a refreshing glass of homemade blood. Leni: [Horrified, along with Lori] Eww! [Lucy pours Leni a glass] I don't know if I can handle this. [Tries to prevent herself from barfing] Lucy: I get that, it's not easy being a fan of this show, I'll understand if you guys wanna bail. Lori: Wait, [runs off, turns on the blender, and returns with new drinks] beet smoothies, they look just like blood, but now they're delicious and full of antioxidants. Yay. Leni: Cheers. Lucy: Sigh. [They all toast their cups] Lori: Ooh, ooh, it's starting. ''[Kills the lights. The episode begins with Edwin writing a letter to Griselda]'' Edwin: My darling Griselda, how I wish you were here to help me endure this visit from my boorish nephew, he actually asked me if I was a I was a boxers or briefs man. [Hears crashing sounds coming from the dungeon, goes to check and is shocked that Tristan turned it into a gym] Tristan: [Playing corn hole] Oh yeah! Yo, Uncle Eddie, wanna play some corn hole. Edwin: What happened to my castle?! Tristan: I redecorated it bro, put some boom in your gloom, and look, I got you a lid so we can match in the thatch, now how about a selfie with your favorite nephew. Edwin: I told you, I don't show up in these. [Tristan takes the selfie, and looks at it, realizing that] Tristan: Oh right, my bad. [The episode ends, Lori and Leni dreamily sighing, Lucy growling in annoyance] Lori: [rubbing Lucy's hair as she and Leni head upstairs] Good times Luce, can't wait for next week. Lucy: [To Edwin, groans] As long as that fool Tristan is on the show, Lori and Leni are gonna keep ruining it for me. [Thinks of something] But what if he weren't on the show? [Evil laugh]

[The next day Lucy is holding a Morticians Club meeting] Lucy: This emergency meeting of The Young Morticians Club is now called to order. I have a favor to ask, you guys watch Vampires of Melancholia right? [The other club members exchange glances] Haiku: Eh, Not since Tristan's been on it. [The other members stutter in agreement, Lucy is pleased with this] Lucy: How would you like to help me get rid of him? [Later, Lucy and the Morticians Club are going door to door with petitions, Lucy knocks on one person's door] Lucy: Hi, I'm collecting signatures to remove Blake Bradley from Vampires of Melancholia. Would you sign? [Later, she and the other club members meet up to compare progress] Okay, pretty good guys, we got forty-five and fifteen pieces of candy from people who thought we were trick-or-treaters [Lucy and Haiku smile at each other] Lucy and Haiku: Goth perks. [Back at the school] Lucy: Okay, did everyone finish their protest letters to the studio? Haiku: Mines a poem. Should we take these to the post office? Lucy: No, that'll take to long, I have a better idea. [The Morticians Club strap their letters to a swarm of bats] You know what to do Fangs, [petting her bat] and no biting. [Haiku opens the window, and the bats fly]

[That Friday night, Lucy and Edwin are getting ready] Lucy: This is it Edwin, time to see if our protests were heard. Lori and Leni: [Prancing into the living room with their beet smoothies, their vampire faces, and wearing pink t-shirts] Who's ready for some VoM? Lori: Check out the shirts we made, 'TEAM TRISTAN'. Leni: Don't worry, we made team Edwin shirts for you guys. [Leni places a black t-shirt on Edwin, and Lori hands the other one to Lucy] Lucy: Oh, uh, thanks. [Takes the shirt, on the show, Edwin and Tristan are eating dinner] Tristan: Great grub Uncle Eddie, but you got any garlic for these fries? Edwin: Garlic?! Are you serious? Tristan: Guess that's a neg. Hey, how 'bout we burn off these carbs with a port meal workout? Edwin: What?! [Suddenly thinks of something] Or instead of a workout, eh, how about we walk along the misty, slippery, cliffs of Melancholia? Leni: Mmm, cardio, this should be fun. Lucy: Yes, it should. [Evil grin] Tristan: Dude this mist is like a built in airbrush filter. Edwin: [Pretending to care] Careful, Tristan. The cliffs. Tristan: [Walking backwards with his camera phone] It's cool Uncle Eddie, just gotta take this self- [falls off the cliff] iiiiieeee [Edwin smiles as Tristan falls to his demise] Lori and Leni: [Shocked and upset] What? Tristan? no! [The two hold each other, teary eyed] Lucy: [Pretending to be upset] Oh no, not Tristan, the horror. Leni: [Still sobbing, along with Lori] He was so young, and so cute. Lori: How could VoM do this? Sorry Lucy, I literally can't even deal right now. [She and Leni run upstairs, crying] Lucy We did it Edwin, our voices were heard, should we celebrate with some early halloween candy? [Pulls out two fun-sized candies]

[A week later, Lucy marks off the calendar] Spooky TV Announcer: And now, an all new episode of Vampires of Melancholia. Lucy: [Happily sighs] Blissful solitude at last. ''[Lets out another happy sigh as the episode starts. Edwin is eating dinner]'' Edwin: Why does something feel amiss? No more selfies, or protein shakes, or dreaded bro hugs, and yet I feel a twinge of remorse. [Lucy looks at her bust of Edwin with disbelief] Yes, Tristan could be a bit of a fool, and his home gym did ruin my marble floors, but he meant well, after all, he just wanted to spend time with, family, [puts on the hat Tristan gave him] and I drove him to his demise. Lucy: Gasp, [looks at the shirt Lori and Leni made for her] and I am a cold, selfish, sister. [Edwin runs to the cliffs where Tristan fell] Edwin: Tristan! I'm sorry! Forgive me Tristan. ''[Edwin cries over what he did, followed by Lucy, who wipes the tears off her face. Lucy: Oh Edwin, I know it's too late to get Tristan back, but maybe it's not too late for my sisters. [Pauses the show and goes to Lori and Leni's bedroom] Lori? Leni? [Sees that they're not there] I guess it is too late, I blew it.