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Act I[]
[It's a winter night at the Loud House, which is heavily decorated for Christmas. Lynn Sr. is in the living room, his back apparently in pain.] Lynn Sr.:[groans] "Ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh, my back! Of all the times for it to go, why did it have to be Christmas?!" [His back cracks as he faceplants into the couch. Rita is carrying a box of Christmas decorations, unfazed by his "pain". Meanwhile, the kids are watching all this from the stairs with sheets of paper and pens. Lana comes over to the top of the stairs with popcorn.] Lana: "What'd I miss?" Lisa: "Three wails, two moans, and 14 'Ding-dang darn it!!!'s." [The kids are playing bingo on the things Lynn Sr. does every Christmas] "I just need Dad to say the word 'Sciatica' and I'll win this year's bingo game." [Lincoln walks past them and shakes his head when he sees what's going on. He then continues onwards.] Lincoln:[to the viewers] "You probably think my sisters are being a little harsh, but let me assure you, my dad's totally fine." [He winces as he hears another back crack as Lynn Sr. continues to moan, before heading over to a gingerbread Loud House.] "Every year, he fakes the same back injury to get out of seeing his brother, our Uncle Lance, which stinks, because that means we can't spend the holidays with our Aunt Sharon or our cousins." [He takes out a phone showing Lance, Sharon, and their kids: seventeen-year-old eldest son Shane, eight-year-old only daughter Shelby, and six-year-old youngest son Shiloh.] "The trouble started five years ago." [scrapes some frosting off the roof and sprinkles it on the snowmen] "Uncle Lance and his family drove all the way from Petoskey Falls to spend the holidays with us." [Flashback to Christmas, five years ago.] "'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Loud House..." [The kids are all fast asleep. In Lynn and Lucy's room, seven-year-old Lincoln and nine-year-old Lynn are sleeping on Lynn's bed and twelve-year-old Leni and three-year-old Shelby are asleep on the floor, with four-year-old Lucy sleeping upside-down on the ceiling. In Luna and Luan's room, eleven-year-old Luna is in her bed cuddling her guitar, and ten-year-old Luan and twelve-year-old Shane are asleep on the floor, twelve-year-old Shane letting out music notes in his sleep.] "...not a child was stirring, to the relief of Mr. Grouse." [Mr. Grouse leans out his window and is relieved to find the Loud House quiet for once before closing the window. Back at the Loud House, Leonard, Lynn Sr., and Sharon have finished dessert.] "The adults finished dessert, figgy pudding so decadent..." [Lance is sitting on his exercise ball, doing sit-ups] "...when Mom stood to call out..." Rita: "It's time to play White Elephant!" [The others enter the living room, Lance carrying his dad on his chair. They all pick numbers from a bowl.] Lynn Sr.: "I'm up first!" Lincoln:[narrating] "...Dad said as he reached in the pile, and pulled out a present that gave him a smile." [Lynn Sr. grabs a present and unwraps it to get a new spatula.] Lynn Sr.:[gasps] "It's a spatula!" Lincoln:[narrating] "...he shouted, and the new model, too." [Lance sees his paper and smiles maliciously.] "Then Uncle Lance eyed his paper as a giddy grin grew." Lance: "Oh, I'm up next in this game, and I think I'll take that." [swipes Lynn Sr.'s new spatula] Lincoln:[narrating] "...which made Dad jump to his feet in two seconds flat." [Lynn Sr. gets up, completely incensed.] Lynn Sr.: "But I wanted that, Lance!" Lincoln:[narrating] "...my dad did burst." Lance: "Tough toenails, it's mine now. You'll have to catch me first." [Lynn Sr. chases Lance all around the room to get the spatula back.] Lynn Sr.:[grunting] "Give it!" [Throughout the chase, they cause chaos in the room, breaking lamps and other objects.] Lincoln:[narrating] "Acting like children, the men gave chase over sofas, side tables, and the crackling fireplace." [Lance blows a raspberry and obtains the high ground by standing on his exercise ball.] Lance: "I can do this all night, champ. You should give up and stop." Lincoln:[narrating] "But Dad leapt for the spatula, making Lance's new ball pop." [Lynn Sr. leaps on top of the ball and continues to struggle for the spatula, breaking the ball.] Lance: "My Ab Blaster 3000! Lynnie, look what you did!" Lynn Sr.: "It's your fault! You've been messing with me since we were kids!" Lance: "Your fault times a thousand!" Lynn Sr.: "Nuh-uh, it's your fault times infinity!" Lincoln:[narrating] "The brothers continued their bickering symphony." [Leonard, Rita, and Sharon can only watch with concern.] Lance and Lynn Sr.: "Well, we agree on one thing." Lincoln:[narrating] "...barked these two angry men." Lance and Lynn Sr.:[turning away from each other] "Let's never speak to each other. Never, ever again." [Young Lincoln is watching all this from the top of the stairs, clutching Bun-Bun and looking worried. Fade back to the present.] Lincoln: "But this year's going to be different, I promise you that. For the first time in years, Gramps is finally back." [realizes and shakes his head vigorously] "Ugh. Sorry, still in rhyme mode." [The sisters are still playing bingo when he approaches, Lily gnawing on her card.] "Guys, put away your bingo cards. I've got a little plan to bring Dad and Uncle Lance back together." Lily:[giggles] "Yeah!" Lynn:[gasps] "Lincoln has a plan. That's my last space!" [She crosses off the "Lincoln has a plan" space on her bingo card before whooping and hollering in victory, much to Luan and Lana's frustration.] "BINGO! WOOHOO!" [grabs Lincoln before running off] "WOO! WOOHOO!"
MEANWHILE... [At another Loud House at Petoskey Falls, Lance is clutching his foot in pain and wailing during a yoga session with Sharon.] Sharon:[not fooled one bit] "And you say all of this pain that started suddenly last night out of nowhere is from athlete's foot?" Lance: "It's what happens to athletes, Shar-Shar. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't so physically gifted." [He continues to groan in pain and collapses, right in front of Shelby.] Shelby: "It's OK, Dad. Sweater Santa will get you a new foot." [She starts moving the mouth of her sweater while speaking for it, Mr. Coconuts-style.] Sweater Santa: "Ho-ho-ho! I've got one lying around the North Pole." [Lance is confused] "Don't ask." [Their attention is caught by Shiloh, who is on top of their Christmas tree and balancing precariously from it.] Shiloh: "Christmas tree cannonball!" [He flings himself from the Christmas tree and is caught by Sharon.] Sharon: "Shiloh, no cannonballs in the house. But it was a perfect ten, baby." [Shane comes down the stairs while singing.] Shane: "♫ Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree. ♫" [notices the tree is off-balance and catches it] "♫ Oh, please don't crush my family... because they have to come to my a cappella Christmas show. ♫" [His cell phone rings; it's Lincoln] "Hey, it's Lincoln!" [picks up] "Hey, cuz--" [Suddenly he hears Lynn Sr. on the other end and fumbles his phone] "Whoa!" Lynn Sr.: "It hurts so much!" Shane: "Sounds like your dad's seasonal aches and pain are back, too." Shiloh: "Guess it's gonna be another year apart." Lincoln: "Actually, that's exactly what I was calling about. What if I told you there was a way for us to spend Christmas together this year?" [Cut to Lincoln's end. The Louds are all calling from Lori and Leni's room. Shelby takes Shane's cell phone] Shelby: "And what if I told you, goldfish speak fluent Portuguese?" [Everyone is confused, and Shelby realizes what Lincoln meant.] "I thought we were just saying stuff. Are you serious? Christmas together would be amazing." Lincoln: "Yep. I call it Operation See You on the Brother Side. Phase one: Get our dads in the same place. Time to put in a call to Gramps."
[The next day, at the Royal Woods Loud House, a mailman knocks on the front door and Rita answers.] Rita: "Yes?" [She yelps when the mailman brings in a giant fish with a stamp.] Mailman: "Wish I could say this is the weirdest thing I've delivered to this house." [The fish leaps out of the mailman's hands and into Rita, knocking her over. Lucy pops out of the door.] "Looking at you, Spooky." [Lucy hisses at the mailman, who backs off brandishing a garlic necklace.] "Stay back, ghoul child!" [Lucy closes the door] Rita:[Lugs the heavy fish, deadpan] "This must be from Gramps." [Lynn Sr. yelps as Rita holds the giant fish in his face. The fish regurgitates a letter] Lynn Sr.:[Reads the letter] "Set sail on the SS Gramps. Won't you join me for Christmas at Camp Mastodon? Please RSVP in enclosed pre-stamped flounder." [The giant fish regurgitates said flounder] "Oh dear!" [Realizes it's harmless. Elated] "Christmas with Dad? Oh, heck yes!" [Despite his bad back, he gets up and throws his hands up. Rita clears her throat] Rita:[Who never bought it in the first place] "What about your bad back, dear?" Lynn Sr.:[Remembers that] "You know, I-I'm feeling a lot better now, I am. It's... It's a Christmas miracle!" [Rita and the giant fish glare at each other. Meanwhile, the kids were eavesdropping] Lori: "Texting cousins, 'Dad bought it.'" [Sends] "Oh, Shelby's typing." [Shelby's text comes in] "Santa emoji, foot emoji, thumbs up emoji. Sounds like Uncle Lance bought it too." Lincoln: "Yes!"
[At Camp Mastodon, a squirrel is reference posing as Gramps is whittling it when he hears a car horn. He looks and sees Vanzilla pulling over.] Lincoln:[Sticks his head out the window and waves to his grandpa] "Hiya, Gramps!" Leonard: "Well, chum my bucket, if it isn't the school of Loud!" [Gets up and runs to hug his son, who runs out of the van to do the same] Lynn Sr.: "Hi, Dad." [The kids cheer and hug their grandpa. Suddenly another, much deeper, car horn is heard. A green truck drives up sporting a sign that reads 'ENDURE LANCE GYM'. Lynn Sr. has an idea who it belongs to] "Endure Lance Gym?" [realizes in horror and gasps] "No no, no no no no no, not him!" [Lance isn't too thrilled to see his brother either. He rolls down his window with a growl. Then, immediately they get in each other's faces] Lance & Lynn Sr.: "What are you doing here? I asked you first! Dad!" [Leonard nervously chuckles] Lincoln: "Don't be mad at Gramps, this was our idea. We knew you'd only come if you thought your brother wasn't." Leonard:[Lets out a fatherly groan] "It's time you two bury the spatula once and for all. What do you say?" [The two brothers are silent at first and take one look at each other] Lynn Sr.:[Not budging] "Okay! Everyone in the van!" Lance:[Also not interested] "Yeah! We're going back home, too!" Luan: "Wait, you two have to stay. Consider it an early Christmas present to us." Lola:[Still expecting a real gift] "Um, that will not be one of mine." [Lance is still angry when his wife comes to calm him down] Sharon: "Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Remember our Mantra." Sharon & Lance: "I am strong here." [Point to Lance's bicep] "I am strong here." [Point to their heads, Lance calms down] "And I'm strong here." [Point to Lance's heart. Lance takes a deep breath and talks calmly] Lance: "Fine, but I'm not happy about it." Lynn Sr.: "Oh. Oh yeah? Well I'm even less happy about it." Rita:[Fed up with this feud] "Great, you're both unhappy. At least you have that in common." [The two men turn away from each other and leave. Rita walks up to Sharon, smiling] Sharon:[Also fed up] "Oh well." Rita: "So they haven't changed, but it's so good to see you." [The two women hug] Sharon: "You too." [The cousins are no less excited to see each other and also hug] Shane: "Yeah!" Leni: "Yay!" [Lana chuckles] Lincoln: "Okay, it's going about as well as I expected. Now for Phase Two: Family Christmas Activities. Once our dads get in the holiday spirit, they'll totally forget about their fight." Sweater Santa: "Never underestimate the power of Christmas." [Lincoln and Shelby smile at each other]
[Later, the kids are tobogganing down the hill. Luna pushes Lisa and gets on just in time for them to enjoy the slope together. Meanwhile Lola is being towed by her trusty sled dog, Lana. At the top, Lance is carrying Shelby and her sled in one hand like a pizza box] Shelby: "Super spin! Super spin!" [Lance spins Shelby on one finger like a basketball and lets her go. She joyfully laughs as she spins down the hills. Lynn Sr. gets ready with his sled, Luan and Lucy watching] Lynn Sr.: "Oh boy! Now remember kids: check left, check right, check left again, th--" Lance: "Where's the fun in that, Lynnie? Just go." [Pushes Lynn Sr.'s sled with one arm at high speed sending Lynn Sr. flying off a surprisingly well detailed snow ramp] Shiloh: "Whoa, awesome." [Lynn Sr. crashes offscreen. Luan, Lincoln, Lynn Jr., Lucy and Shane cringe, but Lance just laughs out loud. Lynn Sr. crashed into the top of a tree, he lifts his head up and angrily mutters]
[Later that night, the kids and dads are singing around a campfire] Everyone: "♫ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all-- ♫" [Lynn Sr. stops singing once he realizes that Lance is off-tune.] Lynn Sr.:[growls] "STOP!" [Everyone else stops singing] "Listen, Lance, buddy. You might have perfect pecs, but you definitely don't have perfect pitch." [Lincoln and Shane look at each other with concern and worry; they don't like where this is going.] "Okay, it's... ♫ Jingle bells, jingle bells. ♫" Lance: "Fine." [A little raspy] "♫ Jingle bell-- ♫" Lynn Sr.: "I'm going to… I'm going to have to stop you right there, okay. Listen to me, here we go... ♫ Jingle bells... Meet me up here... ♫" Lance:[Growls and sings in a louder and clearer voice] "♫ Jingle bells... ♫" Lynn Sr.: "No, no... ♫ Bells! ♫" Lance: "♫ Bells! ♫" Lynn Sr.: "♫ Bells! ♫" Lance & Lynn Sr.: "♫ Bells! ♫" [They're singing so loud a wolf shows up and howls with them. The kids bolt and the dads yelp and follow after them, much to the disappointment of the poor wolf who really just wanted to join them in singing.]
[The next day, Shane puts a carrot nose on a snowman. Everyone is making snowmen, including Lynn Sr.] Lance:[Sarcastically] "Aw, what a cute little snowman, Lynnie." [Lance is standing next to a bigger and buffer snowman. One of the twig arms falls off Lynn Sr.'s snowman] Lynn Sr.: "Yeah, well, I wasn't finished, obviously." [Kicks his original snowman away and gets started on a new one, as does Lance. Lynn Sr. starts heaving snow into a pile and patting it down. Lance is carrying an armload of snow. Soon enough all the kids are just looking way up at their fathers standing on top of two colossal snowmen, towering right above them.] "Now whose is bigger, huh?" [Just then the two snowmen start wobbling and drop, the two grown men end up head first in the remains of their snowmen] Lance:[Now just being immature, singsong] "My snow pile is bigger!" Lynn Sr.:[Also just being immature] "Is not!" [The kids just sigh in unison.]
[Later, Vanzilla pulls up back at the camp, the two men get out, slam the doors, and storm to their adjacent cabins, growl at each other, and enter. The kids enter Gramps' office] Luna: "Well that was a total bust, dudes." Shelby: "I think they hate each other even more now." Leonard: "Ah, fish paste. You minnows warm up in here. I'm going to go get us a tree for the mess hall." [Goes to get his jacket, which is conveniently next to an old photo of Leonard and his boys in the forest, the boys actually getting along] "Your dads used to love help me pick one out." [Shows Lincoln the photo] "It was our favorite Christmas tradition. But, uh, well, this year, I don't think that's happening." [Lincoln looks at the photo and thinks. Suddenly getting an idea] Lincoln: "What if we make it happen? Maybe this will be the one thing that brings them together."
[Later, the three men are in the forest, Lynn Sr. and Lance still annoyed even though they used to love doing this] Leonard: "Hey boys, I think I found the perfect tree." [starts hacking at it with his ax] Lance:[Remembering a happier time, and smiling at his brother] "Do you remember the time that tree accidentally fell on Vanzilla?" [Flashback to when they were boys. Leonard hacks at a tree, and it wobbles around before landing right on top of Vanzilla, knocking off the "UNG" from the Fungo logo. Leonard is disheartened but the boys are rather amused. Flashback to another time when the boys were teenagers, the van still in pretty bad shape] Lynn Sr.:[Narrating] "Oh, oh, or how about the great squirrel incident?" [The tree Leonard is hacking at is occupied by a family of squirrels, who are not too happy at Leonard. Leonard looks up and the squirrels attack him. The teens swat at each other laughing. Another flashback to when Lynn Sr. and Lance were young adults. Leonard starts hacking at a wooden thing that is sticking up out of the ground, but is a darker color than the neighboring trees and doesn't seem to have any branches.] Lance:[Narrating] "You know, nothing beats that time we accidentally chopped down that telephone pole." [Leonard is in fact chopping down a telephone pole, which falls into the other poles like dominoes knocking them all over and killing the power in the camp. The young adults cringe but laugh just the same] Lynn Sr.:[Remembering that] "Oh, we didn't have phone service for a month." [Back to the present where the now middle-aged adults are finally sharing a laugh] Leonard:[Confident nothing's gonna go wrong this time] "Timber!" [The tree leans towards a bush, which is suddenly revealed to have a deer having lunch inside. The men grow concerned as the tree lands in the deer's back, thankfully not harming it, but giving it an unpleasant surprise. Angrily the deer throws the tree off, which crushes Leonard's poorly parked boat truck. Leonard is aggravated that this happened again, but his boys just laugh.]
[Later, in the mess hall, all the Louds are decorating the tree] Shiloh: "Make way!" [A star in hand, Shiloh jumps into the tree from the bottom and works his way up the boughs until he places his star on top] "Gramps! Instead of a star, I put a starfish on top. Christmas tree cannonball!" [cannonballs right on top of Leonard] Lance:[Puts an arm around Lynn Sr.] "The Loud brothers do it again! You know I don't even know what we were fighting about." [The cooking timer goes off in the kitchen] Lynn Sr.: "I made my famous gingerbread Louds." [Goes to get them] Lincoln: "Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever." [Lance is innocently putting the garland on the fireplace, when suddenly a spider emerges from it] Lance: "Ah! Spider!" [He grabs Lynn Sr.'s spatula out of the fruit cake. Luan and Leni don't like where this is going. Without thinking Lance smashes the spatula against the mantle trying to kill the spider. Suddenly Lynn Sr. returns only to see his brother smashing his new spatula again. Lance finally finishes, the spatula is bent in three places and the flipper cracks off. Even though it was an accident and Lynn Sr. is afraid of spiders just the same, he freaks out.] Lynn Sr.: "Ah! My new spatula!" [Suddenly remembers what they were fighting about. The kids and Gramps cringe] Lincoln: "Um, maybe I spoke too soon." [End of Act I.]
Act II[]
[Lance tries to realign the flipper and nervously chuckles, but the flipper won't be fixed. Lynn Sr. puts the cookie tray down on the mantle] Lynn Sr.:[Takes his beloved spatula back] "You did that on purpose!" Lance: "Did not!" Lynn Sr.: "Did too!" Lance:[Not liking being accused like that] "Quit being such a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil." Lynn Sr.:[Suddenly standing next to the exercise ball] "Oh yeah? Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh?" Lance:[Gasps] "You wouldn't harm the the Ab Blaster. This one's the 5000!" Lynn Sr.: "Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable." [Tries to pop it with the spatula only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face. Instead Lynn Sr. rips it with his teeth. Lance is shocked and now also remembers what their fight was about] Rita:[Shocked and angry, covers Lily's eyes] "Lynn!" [Lance grabs a cookie off the tray] Lance: "Say goodbye to gingerbread you!" [Bites the head right off the cookie. Lynn Sr. grabs his own throat in horror] Sharon:[Also shocked and angry, covers Shiloh's eyes] "Lance!" Lynn Sr.:[Looks around and sees Lance's kettle bell] "Say goodbye to..." [Tries to pick it up, but it's too heavy] "Okay, not that." [Lance laughs and finishes the cookie. Suddenly Lynn Sr. finds something] "Aha!" [Grabs the 'ENDURE-LANCE' ornament off the tree, throws it on the ground and stomps on it. Lance is shocked, then sees a present] Lance:[Reads the label] "'For Lynn'. Ha. Not today, Santa." [Lynn Sr. gasps as Lance soccer kicks the present right out the open window sending it miles into the forest] "Goal!" [Lisa steps up] Lisa: "Actually, that was for Lynn Jr." [Suddenly an airhorn is blasted] Leonard:[In angry dad mode] "For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice quiet Loud Christmas?" Lynn Sr.:[Angry again] "I am not having Christmas with him!" Lance:[Also angry again] "I'm not having Christmas with him!" Rita: "Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work?" [Lynn Sr. and Lance have an idea]
[Later, Lynn Sr. is slicing a ham] Lynn Sr.: "Well, this works for me." [The table is occupied by his family only] Lance: "Works for me, more." [Slicing tofu for his family on the other side of the mess hall] Leonard:[Who is sitting right in the middle of the mess hall with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle] "Yeah, not so much for me." [The whole mess hall has been divided by an orange line right down the middle] Lynn Sr.: "Sorry, Dad, but it's the only way to make sure you don't take sides." Leonard:[Groans] "Can someone pass the gravy?" Lynn Sr.: "Mine's flavored with bacon." Lance: "That'll take five years off your life, Dad. Mine's tofu." [They angrily glare at each other as they pour gravy for their father] Lynn Sr.: "Come on, come on, come on." [Their hot gravy overflows the plate and spills onto Leonard's lap. He yelps from the pain] Leonard: "Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! AAH!" Lincoln:[whispering to his sisters]"Guys, this is the worst." Lola: "The fighting or the tofu gravy?" Lincoln: "We got to meet with the cousins and think of something quick." [Sliding his plate off his place mat, Lincoln flips it over, dips his finger in some cranberry sauce, and writes a message on it. He folds the mat into a plane, looks to make sure the adults aren't looking and hands it to Lynn Jr. They nod at each other knowing what happens next. Meanwhile, the wives have joined their husbands at the line] Lance: "Oh, here we go again." Lynn Sr.: "Oh, oh really?" Rita:[Whispering, embarrassed] "Stop this." Lynn Sr: "You know what ruins Christmas? Tofu!" Sharon: "Lance, remember your breathing." [Lynn throws the paper plane across the mess hall. The cousins see it coming as it lands. Shane opens it up and they all read, also tired of the fighting they whisper to each other. Meanwhile, Leonard is getting annoyed while the wives are struggling to keep the grown men from hitting each other] Lynn Sr.: "You're ruining Christmas! Shelby: "We gotta go pee." [The adults turn to see Sharon & Lance's kids doing the pee pee dance] "Really bad." Shane: "♫ Hot cocoa running right through me! ♫" Shiloh: "Tiny bladders, what can you do?" [They run out] Lincoln: "Us too." [Rita & Lynn Sr.'s kids are also doing the pee pee dance] Lana: "Must run in the family." [They run out too and the adults go back to what they were doing] Lance: "This is totally your fault!"
[Meanwhile the kids are holed up in a cabin for a meeting.] Lincoln: "So it's up to us, guys. We have to think of a way to save Christmas." Shelby: "Give me space, people." [Shelby starts turning around which suddenly turns into her spinning frenziedly like a tornado, Luna quickly scoots out of her way. Lynn Sr.'s kids, who haven't been with Shelby physically since she was an infant, have no idea what she's doing] Lori: "What is happening?" [Shelby's brothers however, know perfectly well what she's doing.] Shane: "We call this a Category One Shelby Brainstorm. It's how she comes up with ideas." [Shelby keeps spinning, banging into the wall, scattering various objects in the process, but eventually stops before jumping up and dropping to the bed on her face.] Luan: "Yeesh. I'd hate to see what a category five looks like." Shelby: "What if we go buy a new spatula and new exercise ball? We wrap them up , and leave them under the tree with gift tags from Uncle Lynn and Dad!" Lisa:[Understanding] "Then they'll perceive the other wants to reconcile." [Gasps] "That's genius." Lincoln:[with confidence and determination] "Operation: See You on the Brother Side is back on track!"
[Later, outside the mess hall, Lori and Shelby are getting in Vanzilla] Lincoln: "Remember the plan: We'll drive to the store and get the spatula and ball. The rest of you make sure the grown-ups don't notice we're gone. We'll stay in touch with my David Steele walkie-talkies." [Tosses one to Lily] Lily:[Saluting, while holding the talkie upside down] "Weady for action!" [Lisa turns the talkie right-side up]
[Later, Lori, Lincoln and Shelby are driving along an empty road] Lori:[Adjusts the mirror] "You're sure the store is this way?" Shelby: "Oh, a hundred percent." [Sees out the window] "I'm downgrading that to fifty percent. I think it's the other way now." [They turn around. Shelby tries to get a better look but is still unsure] "None of this snow looks familiar. I'm revising that to twenty percent." [They turn around again, Lori and Lincoln starting to get annoyed] "Okay, so don't hate me…" [Lori and Lincoln groan and Lori tries to turn again, but the van slips on an ice patch and starts spinning out of control. They all scream, though Shelby seems to actually be enjoying it. They suddenly spin right off the road, down a hill and crash into a snow drift. The doors open and they all come flying out of the van] "Did I mention I have a terrible sense of direction?" Lori:[Gets up] "I literally have no idea where we are. How do we find the store?" [They all look around and Lincoln sees something] Lincoln:[Gasps] "Look! Over there!" [Points to a building in the distance] "That's got to be it." [They all head in the direction of the building. Meanwhile, back at the camp, Leonard has fallen asleep at his table, and has also had the orange line removed from his body] Lance:[Offscreen] "Come on, Shar-Shar, you can do it!" [Leonard wakes with a start, with the gravy splattered all over his face.] Leonard: "What's all the hollering about?" [On Lance's side of the mess hall, he and the boys are rooting as Sharon is powerlifting the tree] Shiloh: "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Lance: "That's my lady!" Shane: "Yeah! Our family Christmas tree powerlift competition. We do it every year." [Sharon has finished and high-fives Lance] Lance: "Okay, thirty-two is the new record to beat. Shelbs, you're up." [Suddenly notices that Shelby isn't here] "Where'd she go?" Shane: "She's off stretching. Doesn't want to pull a hammy." Lance: "Smart." Shiloh: "I'll go next!" [Spits in his hands and, despite being a little kid with a cast on his arm, lifts the tree easily] "One! Two! Three!" [Shane realizes how fast his brother is going] "Four!" [Shane clears his throat. Shiloh looks at him and the eldest points to his watch, reminding his brother that they're supposed to be stalling for time. Shiloh slows it down] "Five… Six…" [Meanwhile on Lynn Sr.'s side of the mess hall] Lynn Sr.: "And now it's time for the annual cutting of the Lynn-ce meat pie." [Despite having more kids who he didn't actually call out…] "Hey, where are Lincoln and Lori?" [Lily looks at the walkie-talkie and sinks under the table for cover] Lily:[Whispering to the talkie] "It go time." Lincoln:[Loud enough for everyone to hear]"Uh, don't worry, Dad. We're down here."[He is merely guessing where Lily's holding the talkie as the scene cuts to him.] "Um… Under the table wrapping presents." [Shelby is stifling her laughter] Lori: "Oh, Lincoln, can you hand me the tape, please?" Lincoln: "Here you go Lori-Lou." [The scene cuts back to the cabin.]"Dad, um, you can go ahead and cut the pie. We're pretty busy, so we'll take ours down here."[Lynn Sr. shrugs nonchalantly before cutting the pie. Lily giggles as her daddy hands her some pie. Lincoln and Lori make sounds like they are enjoying pie. It cuts back to them and shows that really they are actually chewing on a stick and a pinecone. Lily hangs up and they spit them out.] "Let's keep moving, people." [They keep walking. They eventually see the building, which is called 'MASTO-MART'] "The store! We're almost there." [They run towards it, but suddenly, Shelby looks down and realizes something] Shelby: "Hey, by any chance, did either of you bring swim floaties?" [Lori and Lincoln are confused by Shelby's statement.] Lincoln: "Huh?" Lori: "I'm sorry, what?" Shelby: "Thought I'd asked since we're running on top of a frozen lake that's not so frozen anymore." [They stop dead in their tracks at the sound of cracking. They are indeed in the middle of a lake that is thawing out. They look down and see the ice cracking right below their feet. They scream as the ice breaks right where they were standing. They scream even louder and hold each other when the ice breaks below them again. Suddenly all the ice breaks except for the small piece they're standing on, leaving them marooned. They scream even louder. Meanwhile, Lily is enjoying her pie under the table when suddenly the walkie-talkie goes off] Lincoln:"Guys! Help!" Lynn Sr.:[Still thinking they're under the table] "That's okay, son. You don't have to wrap my gift perfectly." Lincoln:"Please! Help!" [Lynn Sr. takes a look under the table and finds Lily holding a walkie-talkie] Lori:"We're on a chunk of ice in the middle of the lake!" Shelby:"And no one brought floaties!" [Lynn Sr. and Rita gasp, followed by Lance and Sharon] Lance:[Recognizing that voice] "Shelbs? What the heck is going on?" Lincoln:"We need help!"
[Even though they still hate each other, Lynn Sr. and Lance are the ones going to rescue their kids.] Lynn Sr.: "You know, this is all your fault, Lance. If you hadn't acted like such a jerk the kids never would have tried to pull this stunt!" Lance: "Oh, I was the jerk? You were the one who--" Rita: "Stop! This is no time for arguing." Sharon: "Rita's right, you have to go rescue the kids. Hurry, please!" [The two men run for the door, but get stuck in it] Lynn Sr.: "I was here first!" Lance: "No, I was!" [The other adults can't believe them right now] Leonard: "Oh, for trout's sake." [Shoves the two out the door, they get up, notice their snow Santa beards and shake them off] Lynn Sr.: "Dibs on driving!" Lance:[Tackles Lynn Sr.] "I'm driving!" [They start wrestling] Lynn Sr.: "You drive like a maniac!" Lance: "You drive like a granny!" [Leonard slaps his face in exasperation.]
[Eventually they are driving in Lance's truck] Lynn Sr.: "I do not drive like a granny." [They turn towards Lake Mastodon and see the kids floating on a chunk of ice] Lincoln: "Dad!" [The two men gasp] "Help!" [Their ice chunk is breaking apart too. Leaving the kids mere moments away from falling in] Lynn Sr.: "Just stay calm, kids! It's gonna be okay, I promise!" [In a regular tone, to Lance] "Why did I promise that? It's not gonna be okay, they're too far!" Lincoln: "Um, Dad, we can still hear you!" [The ice breaks more, bringing the kids much closer to a chilly swim] Lance: "Focus, Lynnie! As Sharon says, right now we got to be strong: here." [Points to his head, thinks and notices up high, a protruding tree branch] "I got it! We make a zipline!" [Grabs a harpoon from his truck] "Thank goodness for birthday gifts from Dad I didn't think I'd ever use!" [Takes the bow off and goes up the tree. He shoots the line to the stump of a tree across the lake, then ties his end to the branch. He then grabs a dumbbell and ties another rope to it and the harpoon rope. Finally he grabs the last thing needed for this job] Lynn Sr.: "Me?" Lance: "I'm too heavy! It's all this ding-dang muscle mass. You can do it though. Just be strong here." [Nudges Lynn Sr.'s bicep] Lynn Sr.: "Ow." [Lance hands Lynn Sr. the dumbbell and pushes him. Lynn Sr. screams as he slides down the line. The kids see him, and then see the ice break even more. Lynn Sr. is still on the line, which is starting to fray from all the friction and snaps. Leaving only just enough for Lynn Sr. to land on the ice chunk, the kids manage to grab onto him but the ice breaks into three pieces, the middle one sinking, leaving Lynn Sr. holding the rope and balancing on two floating ice chunks under each foot. All four scream, Lance is shocked. Suddenly the ice chunk under Lynn Sr.'s left foot sinks, leaving only the tiny piece under his right foot. Lance quickly unties the rope and yanks. Just as the final piece of ice melts, Lynn Sr. and the kids are whisked away landing safely in the snow. The tension of the rope pulls Lance out of the tree, landing right on top of them. Group hug] Lincoln: "You did it!" Lori: "You're both literally the best." [The two brother smile at each other] Lynn Sr.: "How about we get back to that fire, huh?"
[Back at the cabin, the kids are worried while Lucy is dressed in a widow's dress. Leonard and Lynn are pacing worriedly.] Leonard: "My poor little minnows. I hope they're okay." [The sound of screeching wheels is heard outside. Everyone looks toward the door and gasps as Lynn Sr., Lance, and their kids return safely.] Lincoln: "Hey." Lori: "Mom!" [The family cheers.] Shane: "They made it!" Rita: "Baby!" Sharon: "Shelbs!" [The moms run to their children and hug them as the dads watch them.] Lynn Sr.:[sighs] "Everybody, I need to say something. After I saw our kids in danger out there today on the lake, well, I came to the realization that..." [His voice begins breaking up.] "There's something a heck of a lot more important than spatulas, and ab-ab-Ab Blasters. And..." [Begins sobbing] "That's... that's f-family!" Lance:[Runs up and hugs his brother tearfully] "You said it, Lynnie! All that dumb fighting is in the past. The main thing is, we're brothers, and we've got each other's backs!" Lynn Sr.: "No matter what!" [They begin crying, and then their father joins in with them.] Leonard: "I'm so happy my two first mates are back together!" [They all begin crying again.] Shiloh:[offscreen] "Reconciliation cannonball!" [He lands on top of the three, and they all laugh.] [Finally, the nineteen Louds are enjoying Christmas as a family. Sharon pours Lance a hot cocoa, who gives it to Lynn Sr., and Lincoln smiles as his plan as worked. The kids pass around presents and cocoa as Sharon and Lance hug.] Sharon: "This is all so nice. I'm surprised Shane doesn't have a Christmas song for us." Shane: "Way ahead of you, Mom." [He grabs two sets of jingle bells] "Check this out." Luna: "Aw yeah, let me get in on this, cuz!" [She unwraps a present, which is a guitar, and they begin playing music.]
Shane: ♫ I know I can't ignore the sound ♫ ♫ Of siblings gathered all around ♫ ♫ I just want my family on Christmas Day ♫
[Lynn Sr. gives a present to Lance but he passes it back to his brother and playfully glare at each other just as their wives stopped them from having another argument]
Luna: ♫ Although we sometimes fuss and fight ♫ ♫ Our love is always shining bright ♫ Shane and Luna: [singing together, Shane singing the soprano part while Luna sings the alto part] ♫ I just want my family on Christmas Day ♫ All the kids: ♫ I just want my family on Christmas Day ♫
[The screen transitions back to Shelby and her sweater.] Sweater Santa:[To the viewers] "Merry Christmas, everybody! Ho-ho-ho!" [The end][Happy Holidays!!]
