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The following is a transcript for the episode "A Mutt Above".
Script
[It's a sunny day in the park, Lana and Charles are playing around in a mud puddle.]
Lana: [Takes a tennis ball out of her hat.] "Charles, fetch." [Lana throws it, and Charles goes after it, jumps up and catches it in his mouth. He spits it out and Lana jumps up and catches it in her own mouth. She spits it out and throws it again, it lands in a garbage can.] "Whoops, my bad." [Charles goes into the can to get it, Lana comes to the can and smells inside.] "Mmm, something smells good in here."
[She looks around for it when a fancy dressed girl with her own dog approaches her.]
Lacey: "Well, well, if it isn't Lana Loud in her natural habitat."
Lana: [Comes out of the trash can, enthusiastic.] "Oh, hi Lacey, I didn't know you had a dog."
Lacey: [Scoffs] "Victorie, isn't just a dog, she's a purebred Maltese, from a long line of champions."
[Victorie holds out a paw, and Lana shakes it, which wasn't Victorie's intention.]
Lana: "Awe, nice to meat you Vicky." [Elbows the can] "Hey Charles! Come say hi!"
[Charles comes out of the can, with a hoagie, which he plays with like a chew toy, and throws on Lacey and Victorie.]
Lacey: [Shakes it off in disgust.] "Ugh, Victorie stay away from that classless mutt."
Lana: [Helps Charles out of the can; angered.] "Hey, don't talk about my Charles like that."
Lacey: "I was talking about to you, but your dog's no prize either." [Lana gasps] "Funny how pets resemble their owners, no?"
[Lana and Charles growl at them.]
Lana: "You don't know what you're talking about, Charles is a great dog, no, the best dog."
Lacey: "Care to prove it? The Royal Woods dog show is next weekend, and the champion gets a fabulous gold trophy." [Gets in Lana's face.] "I know because there are three in Victorie's doghouse right now."
Lana: "Well, don't count on a fourth, cause this year that trophy's going to Charles."
[The two fancy pants girls laugh at this.]
Lacey: "Well, best of luck I guess. Come on Victorie, we're late for your eyelash curling appointment."
[They leave]
Lana: [To Charles] "Don't worry, we'll show that snob, and her little dog too."
[Back at the house, Lana has the remote, and Charles is chewing on the tennis ball.]
Lana: "Okay, so I found this video of last year's dog show, this should tell us everything we need to do, to beat Vict... Vict..." [Can't pronounce it] "You know who I'm talking about."
[Lana turns it on]
Dog Show Emcee: "Welcome to the seventy-fifth annual, Royal Woods Dog Show. Today, the canine creme de la creme will fight for the coveted title, of champion. To win, they'll need to give a perfect performance in the agility class," [A dog is seen jumping through hoops.] "show off their fanciest frills in the costume class," [Another dog is shown wearing a frilly outfit.] "and be on their best behavior, in the class class."
[A third dog does a somersault, and plays the harp.]
Lana: [Amazed] "Okay, wow, didn't know what I was expecting, but, we still got this. Right Charles?" [Charles is asleep, drooling.] "Uh-oh."
[Later, Lana has the backyard set up as an obstacle course, Lana is at the start with Charles, who's licking himself.]
Lana: "First up is the agility class." [Sees Charles not paying attention.] "Hey, hey." [Charles listens] "I built a replica of last year's course so you can practice, remember the goal is speed and precision." [Takes out a stop watch.] "And go." [Charles doesn't do anything.] "uh, yeah, maybe I should demonstrate." [Lana starts the time, and jumps through the tire swing, rolls through the cardboard box tunnel, jumps over the pool, and rolls to the finish, she stops the time.] "Whoo! Seven seconds. Think you can beat that Charles?" [Charles barks] "Charles?" [Back at the start, Charles is busy chasing a butterfly.] "Shoo, shoo." [Lana laughs and takes Charles to the start.] "And, go." [Charles jumps onto the swing and hangs from it.] "We're not swinging right now bud, you gotta jump through it." [Takes Charles to the tunnel.] "Here, let's try the tunnel, if yo can run from this end to the other, I'll give you lots of ear scratchies."
[Lana goes to the other side, looks through the tunnel and groans, Charles is chasing the butterfly again.]
[Later, they are in the attic.]
Lana: "Okay, for the dress up part, I was thinking you could wear one of Lily's old Halloween costumes." [Looks through a trunk, and pulls out a coat and tie.] "Here, this isn't so bad." [She attempts to put it on Charles, but he thinks it is that bad and resists.] "Come on, just try the bow tie."
[She gets it on Charles, but he runs off, Lana tries to grab him by the bow tie, but gets flung backwards into the trunk, while Charles rips the coat to pieces.]
[Later they're in the driveway, with Lincoln, who is wearing a suit.]
Lana: [On all fours] "Okay boy, now I'm gonna show you how to behave for the class class, I'll be the dog, and Lincoln will be the owner." [Gets closer] "See He's wearing a suit without making a big stink about it."
Lincoln: "This is actually for Lucy's mock funeral later."
Lana: "Shall we begin?"
Lincoln: [Nods] "Lana, heal." [Lana obeys] "very good, now shake." [Lana shakes Lincoln's hand] "Speak." [Lana barks] "Good girl."
[Lincoln pats her head and gives her a treat.]
Lana: "See Charles, it's easy. How about showing us a nice heal?" [Things start off well, when suddenly the butterfly returns.] "Ugh, you again? Scram, flutter face!" [Lana starts chasing the butterfly away, Lincoln has no idea, Lana returns.] "Okay, now where were we? Oh right, Charles, shake." [Charles gives Lana a big kiss.] "Ugh, come on, I know you can do this." [Clears her throat] "Charles, speak." [Charles opens his mouth, and farts in Lincoln's face, he gags and passes out, Charles barks.] This isn't funny, if you don't start acting like a show dog, we're never going to beat Lacey and Vict-" [retches] "Don't you wanna prove them wrong?"
[The butterfly returns and Charles goes after it, Lana sighs. Just then, Lola pushes her car up.]
Lola: "Lana, just the person I've been looking for, my engine's been making this weird noise, kinda like a..." [Mimics the noise. Suddenly she notices her twin sad.] "Hey, what's wrong?"
Lana: "I'm just trying to get Charles to win this fancy competition thing, but it's hopeless. Let's have a look at your engine."
Lola: [Intrigued] "No, no, no, did you say, 'fancy competition'? Tell me more."
Lana: "Well, Lacey St. Claire thinks her dog is better than Charles, just because she's won a bunch of trophies, so I told her Charles could win a trophy too, but he's gotta act all classy and dignified and, well..." [They look at Charles scratching his butt on a rock.] "Like I said, hopeless."
Lola: "Not necessarily, I have seen some miraculous transformations in my pageant career." [Goes over to Charles.] "Hmm, he's got the bone structure, all he needs is a little focus and self-discipline."
Lana: "Well, how do I teach him that junk?"
Lola: "Tell you what, you fix my engine, and I'll train Charles myself."
Lana: "Really?"
Lola: "I should warn you, I take competition very seriously, no messing around."
Lana: "Whatever it takes to beat those snobs."
Lola: "Give me forty-eight hours with him." [Takes off] "Come along Charles, you answer to Coach Lola now."
[Lana walks the other way and notices Lincoln still passed out.]
Lana: "Whoops, guess I should wake him before the funeral."
Lucy: [Pops out of the crawl space.] "Actually," [Lana jumps] "he's fine just like that."
[Lucy drags Lincoln into the crawlspace by his cowlick.]
[On the day of the dog show, the dogs all resemble their owners pretty well, Lana is waiting in anticipation.]
Lana: "Come on Lola, where are you?"
Lola: [Walks up] "Hold your horses, we had to stop for a tongue scraper."
[Lana gasps when she sees the new Charles.]
Lana: "Charles, is that you?"
Lola: "Go ahead Charles, shake."
[Charles goes up to Lana, and classily holds out a paw, Lana gasps and shakes it.]
Lana: "Good job boy, that deserves some ear scratchies."
[Lana attempts to do so, but Charles stops her.]
Lola: "That's right Charles, we don't wanna mess up our fur."
Lacey: [Offscreen, approaches the twins.] "Well, well, if it isn't Lana Loud and her mangy mutt Ch-" [Gasps] "Wait, you got a new dog?"
Lana: "Nope, this is my Charles."
[Charles nods to them. Lacey and Victorie gasp.]
Lola: "Oh good, you'll wanna have practiced that face when he wins." [Laughs]
Lacey: "Come on Victorie, I want to re-fluff your bangs."
[She walks off, the twins looks at each other with devilish grins.]
Lola & Lana: "We so got this."
[They fist bump]
[In the Agility Class, Victorie is finishing up her routine.]
Dog Show Emcee: "A flawless performance by our returning champion, Victorie St. Clair." [Lacey and Victorie take a bow, and everyone throws flowers at them.] "A joy to watch as always. Next up, oh, we have a newcomer, Charles Loud."
[Offstage]
Lana: "You nervous boy? Want a good luck hug?"
[Charles barks and walks out, leaving Lana sad. Charles comes out with a face of determination.]
Dog Show Emcee: [Takes out a stop watch.] "On your mark Charles, and begin." [Starts the time, and Charles nails the routine, the emcee stops the time.] "And he sticks the landing, very nice."
[Charles goes backstage.]
Lana: "Way to go boy." [Attempts to give him a hug, but stops.] "Oh, right, right, the fur."
Lola: "Come along Charles, the costume class is next." [Holds up a cape and tie.]
Lana: [Laughs] "Good luck getting him into that."
[Later, Charles goes onstage, wearing the outfit, plus a top hat and monocle. He gets up on the podium and offers one of the judges a flower, which she happily accepts.]
Dog Show Judge: "Beautiful."
[Everyone applauds, except for Lana who is just stunned, but also applauds.]
[Next is the Class Class.]
Lana: "Charles, sit." [Charles obeys] "Charles, shake." [Charles does so] "Charles, speak."
[Charles barks with class, the judges write down there scores.]
Dog Show Judge: "Stunning, simply stunning."
[Lola pops out from under the judges table and whispers something to Lana.]
Lana: [Confused] "Uh, Charles, pour the tea?"
[Charles goes over to a nearby tea table, and pours the tea, the judges are moved.]
Dog Show Emcee: "This dog is really putting the class, in the Class Class."
[Lana is pleased.]
[Later, everyone and their dog is waiting for the final results.]
Dog Show Emcee: "The judges have tallied their scores, and the champion, of this year's Royal Woods Dog Show is..." [Opens the envelope] "Oh! In a shocking turn of events, we have a tie, between Victorie St. Clair, and Charles Loud."
[Lacey and Lana are aghast.]
Lana: "So how do you decide the winner? Do they wrestle for it?" [Looks at Lacey] "Do I wrestle Lacey for it?"
Dog Show Emcee: [Laughs] "Oh, no, we do a walk off, each dog will take one last trot around the ring for the judges. Victorie, as reigning champion, you will go first."
[Lacey picks up Victorie, and walks away from Lana in a huff. Lana goes backstage followed by Charles.]
Lola: "A walk off? Oh, this calls for more hairspray, I keep some in my glove box, be right back." [Races off]
Lana: "We got this, Charles, just one more walk to win the trophy, then we can go celebrate anyway you want, maybe go digging for some trash hoagies. You like that?" [Charles scoffs] "Oh, okay, well how about we find some mud to roll in?" [Charles groans] "No? But you love that." [Charles goes to look at himself in the mirror.] "What's wrong? That stuff used to make you so happy, look, I know I made you get all fancy for the show, but, you're still my muddy buddy. Right?" [Charles gestures for her to talk to the paw. Lana sniffles.] "What have I done?" [Starts sobbing] "I can't believe I lost my Charles just to prove something to a snob, I get you don't do hugs anymore, but I really need one." [Lana extends her arms, Charles puts a paw on her shoulder, but Lana takes him in her arms, Charles is at first unamused, but he too starts sniffling.] "What is it boy?" [Charles knocks Lana's hat off her head, Lana gasps] "Your old tennis ball," [it rolls off her head into Charles' mouth, and he starts chewing it.] "you remembered." [Laughs] "Aw, I knew my dog was in there somewhere."
[Charles shakes the costume off.]
Dog Show Emcee: [Comes up to them] "Lana, Charles, the crowd awaits."
Lana: [Just as Lola returns] "Actually, I think we're done here."
[Lola drops her hairspray in shock.]
Dog Show Emcee: [Also shocked] "But, don't you want your dog to be a champion?"
Lana: "Nope, I just want him to be himself. Wanna get out of here boy?" [Charles rips Lana's tie off, and Lana does to same to Charles' tie, and they laugh and hug. Lola is picking up last of the hairspray.] "Thanks for all your help Lola, but Charles and I have a date at the park."
[They leave]
Lola: [Flabbergasted] "You're walking away from a trophy? Who does that?!"
[At the park, Lana and Charles are playing fetch, Charles chases the ball into the mud puddle, and Lana jumps in after him. Lacey walks up with her dog and trophy.]
Lacey: "Well, well, if it isn't Lana Loud and her mangy dog, back to their usual grossness."
Lana: "Yup, and I wouldn't trade it for the world."
[Lana and Charles look at each other, and start rolling around, splattering mud on Lacey, who screams and runs off, while Lana and Charles continue.]
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