The following is a transcript for "A Tale of Two Tables".
[Lincoln is quietly eating dinner when Lana suddenly pokes him in the face with a wiener]
LINCOLN: "Would you cut it out?"[as he resumes eating, Lola also pokes and smacks him with a wiener] "Come on, man! Stop!" [the twins continue hitting him with their wieners] "I said cut it out!"
[It is revealed that Lincoln is having dinner at the kiddie table with his five younger sisters; he gets up to go to the fridge]
LINCOLN: [to the viewers] "In most families, the 'kiddie table' is something you only see at holidays. But in a family as big as mine, it's part of everyday life." [pours a glass of milk]
LANA: "Hey, Lincoln. You like seafood?" [sticks her tongue out showing mushed up pieces of food on it] "See? Food! Bleeeeegh!"
LOLA: "Hey, Lucy!" [sticks two french fries between her teeth and acts like a vampire] "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" [squirts ketchup]
[the ketchup splatters all over Lincoln's face and his younger sisters smear their fries on it to get some ketchup]
LINCOLN: "For gosh sakes, you guys! Cut it out! [rubs ketchup off face and groans] [to the viewers] "It's not right. My five older sisters get to sit at the grownup table with Mom and Dad, while I'm stuck here with my five younger sisters."
[Lucy smacks a piece of broccoli off Lincoln's fork]
LUCY: "How can you eat that broccoli when you know how much it suffered to get here?"
LINCOLN: "Uh, Lucy...broccoli doesn't feel pain."
LUCY: "Oh, no?" [shoves a piece of broccoli in Lincoln's face] "Listen to the broccoli screaming, Lincoln! LISTEN TO IT!"
[Lincoln screams in frustration and agony, much to the shock of his younger sisters]
LINCOLN: "CAN'T I JUST EAT MY DINNER IN PEACE?!"
LANA: "Did you say peas?" [jokingly flings peas at Lincoln]
[Lincoln blocks Lana's peas with his plate, causing them to bounce off and onto Lisa, which Lola laughs at her]
LISA: "Oh, you wanna play? Let's play..." [brings out a tiny catapult and launches mashed potatoes only to hit Lincoln instead of Lana, much to Lana's surprise] "My calibration seems to have been off by about sixteen degrees."
[Lana hits Lisa with her wiener]
LANA: "Mine wasn't."
[as his sisters have a food fight, Lincoln imagines himself at the grownup table, where everyone is dressed in fancy attire and the decor is exquisite]
LINCOLN: "So, I said to the Prime Minister, "Two breads are better than one!"
[everyone laughs at his joke]
LUAN: "Your comedy is so mature. Just like you."
[everyone raises their glasses to propose a toast to Lincoln]
LORI: "To Lincoln! He puts the 'grownup' in 'grownup table'!"
EVERYBODY: "To Lincoln!"
[Lincoln blows kisses to them all only for the food fight to come and ruin his fantasy]
LINCOLN: "That's it! I don't belong here! I'm gonna go ask to join the grownup table!"
LANA: "Good luck."
LUCY: "You really think they're gonna let you?"
LILY, LISA, LOLA, and LANA: "Oooooooh!"
[Lincoln suddenly imagines everyone at the grownup table laughing at his request to join them which causes his younger sisters to laugh as well]
LINCOLN: "You'll see. I'm gonna make it to the grownup table and leave all you children behind." [gets hit by mashed potatoes again]
[cut to Lincoln's room where he has called Clyde over to help him]
CLYDE: "Well, Lincoln, you've come to the right place. As an only child, I've been at the grownup table my whole life."
LINCOLN: "So, you think you can help me?"
CLYDE: "Did Napoleon have a Napoleon complex?" [Lincoln responds with a dumbfounded look on his face] "That's a grownup table joke. You don't get it now, but you will soon. Now, don't worry. I have a sure-fire program that'll get your family to stop seeing you as a kid." [lays right on top of Bun-Bun]
LINCOLN: "And start seeing me as a grownup!" [notices Clyde's position] "Careful! You're giving Bun-Bun an ouchie!" [grabs Bun-Bun and protectively holds him; Clyde stares at the camera in confusion]
Training By Clyde: Phase One: Act Like A Grownup
[Lori, Luna, Luan, and Lynn are still in their pajamas and groggy, trying to enjoy their coffee; enter Lincoln]
LINCOLN: "Good morning, everybody! Ah, nothing like that first cup of morning joe." (smells it) "Ah, mountain grown." [takes a sip but then spits it out disliking the taste]
[The coffee was spat all over his sisters who aren't too happy about that, making him nervous, he turns to Clyde; Clyde gives a thumbs-up]
[Lori and Leni are on the couch; Lori is texting on her phone and Leni is filing her nails; enter Lincoln reading a newspaper]
LINCOLN: "Hey, guys. There's a really interesting article in here about how kids are maturing faster these days. They say 11 is the new 15."
[Lori and Leni take a quick glance at Lincoln and go back to what they were doing; Lincoln then turns on the TV to a White House press conference]
LINCOLN: "Ooh, the House is debating the new highways bill. This should be fascinating."
LORI: [she and Leni feeling a little worried about their brother] "Are you feeling okay?"
LINCOLN "Me? Never felt better. Though the back's a little stiff. Getting older ain't easy. Am I right, ladies?"
[Lori and Leni look at each other, shrug, and return to their tasks; Lincoln turns to Clyde who approves of his actions]
[Lola and Lana are fighting over a jump rope]
LOLA: "I was using it first!"
LANA: "Nuh-uh! I was!"
LOLA: "Give it to me!"
LANA: "You clearly took it away from me!"
LYNN SR.: [from downstairs] "Lola! Lana! What's going on?"
LINCOLN "Don't worry, Dad. I got this. Now, children, if you can't share the jump rope, then neither of you gets to use it." [pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts the jump rope in two] "Heh, kids. They just don't get it, huh, Dad?"
[Lynn Sr. scratches his head in confusion and walks away; the twins beat Lincoln up for ruining their jump rope]
[Lincoln is getting ready to shave]
LINCOLN: "Ah, nothing like a nice, smooth face to start the day."
[Luan walks by and has no idea what he's talking about]
LINCOLN: "Yup!" [prepares to shave; cut to him having cut himself a lot in his attempt and placed shreds of toilet paper on the cuts] "Maybe I shouldn't have used the razor Mom shaves her legs with."
CLYDE: "Never mind that. Our plan is working. You're showing your family that you belong at the grownup table. Now comes phase two: how to act once you get there."
Training By Clyde: Phase Two: Advanced Table Manners
[Clyde has set up cardboard dummies of Lincoln's older sisters and parents to practice with]
CLYDE: "This is the grownup table simulator. Now, show me your salad fork."
[Lincoln grabs a fork as a wild guess]
LINCOLN: "This one?"
[Clyde blasts an air horn]
CLYDE: "Wrong. That's your dinner fork. Now, have some bread." [Lincoln accidentally grabs the piece of bread on the Lori dummy's plate] "Wrong! You just ate Lori's bread!" [flirting with the Lori dummy] "Don't worry, beautiful. I'll share my buns with you."
[Lincoln blows the horn at him]
CLYDE: "Sorry. Where were we?"
LINCOLN: [to the Lynn dummy] "So, Lynn...how about those Republicans?"
[Clyde blows the horn]
CLYDE: "Wrong! Never talk politics! Again."
LINCOLN: "Um...we can really use some rain?"
[a bell chimes; now they're using flash cards]
LINCOLN: "Soup spoon. Salad fork. Butter knife. Dessert plate. A...candid picture of Lori?"
CLYDE: (realizing) "Oh! How'd that get in there?"
[Lincoln is preparing himself with Clyde dressed as a boxing trainer]
CLYDE: "You're making great strides, Lincoln. You feel it? Keep it up! You got heart, kid!"
LINCOLN: "Yeah, yeah! I'm all grown up!"
CLYDE: "Not yet. You have one last step."
Training By Clyde: Phase Three: Look Like a Grownup
[after some suiting up and grooming, Clyde has Lincoln ready]
CLYDE "I think my work here is done. Ready for the grownup table, big guy?"
LINCOLN: "Did Napoleon have a Napoleon complex?" (they laugh) "I still don't get it."
CLYDE: "Me neither."
[Dinnertime, Lincoln approaches the grownup table]
LINCOLN: "Good evening. I have something I'd like to say! [gets everyone's attention; reading a speech] "There comes a time in every kid's life when he's ready to put away childish things and make that big leap into the adult world."
LORI: [impatient and not caring] "Get to the point, Lincoln."
LINCOLN: "Okay." [takes a deep breath] "I don't think I should sit at the kiddie table anymore. I want to sit at the grownup table with you." [grins]
[everyone stares at him]
LYNN SR.: "Well...I think he's ready."
RITA: "So do I."
LINCOLN: "Yes! WOO HOO!" [tears up part of his suit from cheering]
LYNN SR.: "Is that my suit?!"
[Lincoln is now sitting at the grownup table and handed tonight's dish]
LINCOLN: [slightly disgusted] "Liver? I thought we were having chicken nuggets."
RITA: "That's just for the younger kids, honey. At the grownup table, we eat grownup food."
LINCOLN: "And thank goodness for that!" [hands the liver over to Luna and picks up a fork] "Liver fork!"
[everyone stares at him and he just starts eating; eventually, the conversation gets a little boring for him]
RITA: "So, Lynn, how did you do on your math test today?"
LYNN: "Good, Mom. I think I really nailed those integers."
LYNN SR.: "So, Lori, I heard Bobby's dad had a hernia operation. How'd that go?"
LORI: "Um...okay, I guess."
LINCOLN: [trying to beat the boredom] "Hey! I heard a funny joke today."
LUAN: "We don't tell jokes at the grownup table."
LUNA: "Or sing, brah."
[Lincoln now feels even more bored after what he was just told and hears his younger sisters over by the kiddie table having fun]
LISA, LOLA, LANA, and LUCY: "Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you-"
[Lana then makes fart noises with her armpit and they all have a good laugh; Lincoln slightly chuckles at their antics]
LYNN SR.: "Something funny, Lincoln?"
LINCOLN: "Not at this table."
LYNN SR.: "So, it turns out we didn't need the service call in the first place. The darn copier was just unplugged."
RITA: [laughs] "How about that?"
[Later, Lincoln's younger sisters are all having sundaes for dessert, giving Lincoln hope that there is one thing to look forward to at the grownup table]
RITA: "Okay...you're all excused."
LINCOLN: [calmly] "Uh, Mother...I believe you forgot something. Dessert?"
RITA: "Oh, that's just for the younger kids."
LINCOLN: [exasperated] "Ugh. Seriously?!" [his older sisters stare at him] "I mean, uh, seriously, who needs the extra calories?"
LYNN SR.: "That's right, son. Say, how does it feel sitting at the ol' grownup table, huh?"
LINCOLN: [disappointed] "It's everything I dreamed it would be."
[later at bedtime; Lincoln calls Clyde on his walkie talkie]
LINCOLN: "Clyde! The grownup table is a nightmare! I didn't realize how good I had it at the kiddie table! I gotta get back."
CLYDE: "Negative, Lincoln. You can't ask to leave now. Next time you ask your family for something, they won't take you seriously. Is that what you want?"
LINCOLN: "No, but-"
CLYDE: "Now I gotta run. My parents and I are doing our taxes!" [leaves]
LINCOLN: "I gotta do something."
[It appears to be dinnertime the next night]
LINCOLN: "Look, you guys. I thought about it, and I really don't belong here. I think I should go back to the kiddie table."
LUNA: [in a trance] "You can't go back. You can never go back, bro!"
[the room suddenly gets darker, and Lincoln is shackled to his chair]
LENI: "You're one of us now...a grownup..." [reveals tonight's dish which appears to be Clyde's head]
CLYDE: "Better start working on those taxes, Lincoln!"
[Lincoln reviles in horror, breaks free, and runs for the kiddie table only to be stopped by his parents]
LYNN SR.: "Where do you think you're going?!"
[pan up to reveal that his parents' heads are now cooked turkeys, scaring Lincoln]
LINCOLN: [panicking] "PLEASE! I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE KIDDIE TABLE! I'M NOT A GROWNUP YET! I'M STILL A KID!"
[suddenly, he is chained and bound to the grownup table, doomed to be a grownup like his older sisters]
LYNN, LUAN, LUNA, LENI, and LORI: [chanting] "One of us. One of us. One of us."
[He falls into a void of despair as his sisters continue chanting his fate]
[Lincoln wakes up in his room, revealing it all to have been a nightmare]
LINCOLN: [gasps] "It's all my fault. I worked so hard to prove I'm a grownup." [looks at Bun-Bun and then gets an idea] "Hmm...maybe it's time to act my age."
[the next night at dinner]
LINCOLN: "Lincoln Loud in the house! Where my grownups at?" [plays with his silverwares] "Are you ready to chow?"
[his sisters stare at his behavior confused]
LINCOLN: [puts pieces of asparagus between his teeth] "I vant to suck your blood!"
RITA: "Lincoln! Please don't do that!"
[Lincoln wipes the asparagus from his mouth and takes Luna's piece of bread]
LUNA: "Yo! That's mine!"
LINCOLN "Was it? Hey, Leni. You like seafood? See? Food! BLEEEEEGH!" [sticks his tongue out with mushed up bread on it]
LENI: [disgusted] "Lincoln! Gross!"
LINCOLN: [talking with his mouth full as pieces of food gush out] "Hey! How about those republicans?"
LYNN: "Ugh! Lincoln! Say it, don't spray it!"
LINCOLN: "I didn't hear the magic word...PEAS!" [flings peas at Lynn]
LYNN: [starting to give in] "Oh, it is on!" [but holds back] "I mean...grow up, Lincoln."
LINCOLN: "Good grub, Dad. It reminds me of a song. Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you-" [farts on cue] "Everybody now!" [keeps farting]
LYNN SR.: [fed up with his son's immature behavior] "Lincoln Loud, that is enough!"
RITA: [also fed up] "I thought you were ready for the grownup table, but clearly, you are not."
LINCOLN: "You're a tough lady Mom, but fair. Laters! [he leaves]
LINCOLN: [back at the kiddie table] "Hey, guys! I'm back!" [hit by mashed potatoes and rubs it off] "Ah, it's good to be home. [sits down] "What did I miss? Let's...ketchup!" [squirts ketchup at his younger sisters; laughs and gets hit by potatoes three times]
[they all begin a food fight to celebrate Lincoln's return and Lynn pops in on them]
LYNN: "Hey...can I join you guys?"
LINCOLN: "Sure. The more, the merrier."
LYNN: [sitting down next to her younger brother] "Oh. I never knew it was possible to make it out of the grownup table." [Both of them stare to their left to see Lori, Leni, Luna, and Luan]
LORI: "Psst! Can we join, too?"
[Much to the joy of the younger siblings, they too are happy to be at the kiddie table as they pull in chairs and sit down altogether]
LUAN: [in between Lincoln and Lana] "Wow! Chicken nuggets! I haven't seen these in years!" [gets hit by mashed potatoes]
[Excited, all the Loud kids engage in a big food fight, altogether at the kiddie table laughing with joy]
LINCOLN: [to the viewers] "There really is no rush to get to the grownup table. It's gonna happen eventually. So in the meantime, might as well enjoy being a kid."
LYNN SR.: "Finally, a little peace and quiet."
RITA: "Did you say peas?" [flings peas at her husband]
[they both laugh as they too enjoy these kinds of shenanigans]
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