The following is a transcript for the episode "Antiqued Off".

Script

[The episode starts with Clyde opening his locker, when suddenly, Lincoln appears next to him in a puff of smoke, dressed as a magician.]
Lincoln: "Pretty cool, huh? It's one of those smoke poppers I bought at the magic show last night."
Clyde: "Woah, you look just like The Amazing Brailster, well, except for the mustache."
Lincoln: "Huge compliment. Man, was that a great show, or was that a great show?"
Clyde: "A and B. Hey, what do you say we keep the fun train rolling, and do some antiquing. [Pulls out two tickets] I got us two tickets to the Fern Valley flea market. I remember how much you enjoyed it last time."
Lincoln: "Riiiiiight..."
[Flashback to Lincoln and Clyde's last visit to the flea market. Clyde is holding a toilet seat.]
Alfred: "It's from the Edwardian Era." [looks around] "Rumor has it, King Edward, himself once sat upon it."
Clyde: [Looks at it] "It's nice, but you know I'm more of a Victorian Era guy."
Alfred: "Of course, but this is a real opportunity to own a piece of his majesty's throne. Well, his porcelain one."
[Clyde and Alfred laugh.]
Clyde: "Oh, Alfred, you are a laugh riot."
[Clyde then hears snoring and sees that Lincoln fell asleep and is sitting on a stool. End flashback.]
Lincoln: "You know, as much fun as I had that day, I'm gonna have to pass this time, buddy." [Clyde looks down, sad] "Not 'cause I don't wanna go, it's my turn to be Lisa's human test subject, and you know me, I'd do anything for proctology."
Clyde: "Uh, Lincoln, I think you got the wrong 'ology'."
Lincoln: "And, I think you don't know Lisa."
Clyde: [Inhales and sighs] "Well, that's a bummer. I was really looking forward to the two of us getting our antique on."
Lincoln: "I'm sorry, bud. Maybe someone else will be free."
[Just then, Zach walks by.]
Clyde: "Zach, how would you like to hit the flea market with me tonight?"
Zach: "Hmm, last time I had fleas, I had to stay home from school."
Clyde: "It's not a market for actual fleas, they have antiques."
Zach: "We don't do antiques, my parents won't decorate the house with anything they can't see through." [Looks around and whispers.] "You never know where those government spies put their listening devices."
Clyde: "So, is that a no?"
Zach: "Meh, let 'em listen, I'm in."
[They walk off, and Lincoln sighs with relief.]


THE NEXT DAY...
[Clyde is in the library with some books and antiques around him. Lincoln walks up to him.]
Lincoln: "Clyde? I thought we were gonna ride bikes to school this morning."
Clyde: "Hey, bud, sorry about that. I wanted to get to the library early, gotta research all those antiques I bought yesterday."
Lincoln: "Wow, looks like you got a lot of stuff."
[Enter Zach with a huge sack of antiques labeled "ZACH'S SWAG".]
Zach: "Did we ever." [Sets it down] "I got some cool old plates, a globe from before Hawaii was a state, and these sick glasses." [Puts them on] "Well, they're not my prescription, but who cares?"
Lincoln: [Amazed] "So, you had a good time?"
Zach: "Good time? I had a great time," [picks up an old radio.] "I never knew old stuff could be so much fun."
Clyde: "He's really got a knack for antiquing. You should have seen him haggle with the rug guy."
Zach: [Dragging a rug in.] "And I'm so glad I did, this baby's gonna look sick in my family's panic room."
[Zach puts the rug over his shoulder, and hits Clyde with it in the process.]
Lincoln: "You just hit Clyde."
Zach: "Ooh, sorry, Clyde." [Turns around and accidentally swats Lincoln with the rug.] "Sorry, Lincoln. Good thing I didn't buy the sword."


[The next day, Lincoln rings the doorbell of the McBride residence, Howard answers.]
Howard: "Lincoln, come on in, the boys are in Clyde's room."
Lincoln: "Thanks." [Realized] "Wait, did you say, the boys?"
[In Clyde's room, he and Zach are polishing their antiques.]
Clyde: "The key is using a lint-free cloth."
Lincoln: [Opens Clyde's door] "Clyde? I thought we were hanging out tonight."
Clyde: "We are. I just invited Zach to hang out with us. Wanna join in on the fun? Throw in a pair of those gloves, buddy, we're cleaning up these antiques."
Lincoln: "You're having fun, by cleaning up?"
Zach: "You should really try it, Lincoln, it's very relaxing."
Lincoln: "Nah, I'm good, I'll just hang out till you guys are done." [Looks around and spots something.] "Mind if I grab one of these root beers?" [Walks off]
Clyde: "Sure, help yourself." [realizes] "Wait, I don't have any..." [Looks over and sees Lincoln drinking something.] "No! That's Dr. Peabody's onion elixir! Copyright 1812!"
[Lincoln spits out the elixir all over Clyde and Zach, who winces at this afterward.]


[Later, they are at the table, Zach admiring his fork.]
Zach: "This is one mighty fine piece of silverware, the inlay looks like it's pre-civil war."
Howard: [Walking up to the boys, impressed.] "That's a great catch there Zachary, I'm very impressed." [Zach is pleased, but Lincoln growls.] "Gravy?"
Zach: [Gasps at the sight of the gravy boat.] "Is that London sterling silver?"
Howard: [Gasps] "It sure is. Clyde, it warms my heart that you're passing on some of the knowledge you've learned from your Dad and me." [Sniffles] "We are so proud of you."
Lincoln: "Hey Clyde, check this out."
[Lincoln moves his finger along the rim of his glass, creating a whistling sound, which Clyde enjoys.]
Howard: "Lincoln, please don't be too rough with the glasses, they're antiques."
Zach: [Getting a better look.] "Hmm, looks like depression era if you ask me."
Howard: [happily gasps] "Did you hear that, Hare-bear? Can we get an extra scoop of ice cream for this little antique expert over here?"
[Lincoln is now irritated while Zach takes pictures of the glass.]


[Later, Clyde and Zach are channel surfing, and Lincoln is snoring away.]
Clyde: "Alright, so what do we wanna watch?" [He flips the channels from The Dream Boat, to baseball, to a killer robot.] "Looks like there's a Robot Super Destroyer movie on."
Lincoln: [Gets up] "Oh! Is it the first one? The sequel? The prequel? Or the remake?"
Clyde: "The remake of the prequel."
Lincoln: "Sweet! We've only seen that one four times. Let's do it."
Zach: "Or we could check out the Antique Hour Marathon. Ah-haha, look, they're in Royal Woods this week."
[Clyde gasps excitingly.]
Lincoln: "Or we could put it to a vote." [clears throat] "Who wants to watch Robot Destroyer?" [Raises his hand, then looks at Clyde.]
Clyde: "Sorry, bud, but we have watched it four times."
[Lincoln flops onto the couch, saddened. Later, he is bored out of his head.]
Appraiser: "You'll be happy to hear, that at auction, this piece would bring in..."
Clyde and Zach: "Five thousand dollars!"
Appraiser: "Five thousand dollars."
[Clyde and Zach are excited that they got that right, and high five.]
Zach: "Team Clach McGurdle nails it again."
Lincoln: "What was that?"
Clyde: "Oh, just a nickname that Zach came up with, of course, you and I are still Clincoln McCloud."
Lincoln: "Yeah, sure, okay," [checks the watch he's not wearing.] "I gotta go home." [Gets up off the couch and starts to leave.]
Clyde: "Wait, Lincoln, Arm Wars are up next, they're the bad boys of the antiques world."
Zach: "Yeah, you should stay over, Lincoln, we're getting up bright and early to go bargain hunting at yard sales."
Clyde: "We got safari hats and everything."
[Clyde and Zach pull out said safari hats and puts them on.]
Lincoln: "No thanks, you guys clearly have your own thing going on, maybe I should just disappear."
Clyde: "But, Lincoln-!"
[Lincoln throws a smoke popper to the ground, and Clyde and Zach start coughing, but Lincoln is still there.]
Lincoln: "Dang it." [Walks out]


[That evening, Lincoln plops down on his bed, and suddenly receives an e-mail.]
Lincoln: "Attention, Amazing Brailster fan club, you're invited to a super secret pop up magic show, bring a friend. Well, that friend sure isn't gonna be Clyde, he's too busy dusting spoons with Clach, but, who needs him? I've got plenty of friends."
[Early the next morning, Lincoln is brushing his teeth and calls Liam.]
Liam: "Howdy."
Lincoln: "Liam, it's Lincoln."
Liam: "Which Lincoln? I know a few."
Lincoln: "Lincoln Loud, your friend."
Liam: "Oh, ha, heh, yeah, hi Lincoln, my friend."
Lincoln: "Are you busy tonight? I've got an extra ticket to the Amazing Brailster."
Liam: "Oh, uh, I'd love to but, uh, it's wiener season here on the farm, you know that magical time of year when we wean piglets from their mamas, I need to be around in case there's some kind of a wean scene, for example-"
Lincoln: "Okay, okay, I get it."
[Later, Lincoln is in the bathtub, and calls Rusty.]
Rusty: "Lincoln, what's good?"
Lincoln: "Hey Rusty, how'd you like to go to the greatest magic show on Earth tonight?"
Rusty: "Tonight? I totally would but I've got a hot date, in fact, I'd better go iron my jeans."
[Rusty runs off, and Lincoln sinks into the tub. Later, he is on the toilet, and tries Stella.]
Stella: "Hello?"
Lincoln: "Stella, buddy ol' pal, I've got an extra ticket to a magic show, and-"
Stella: "Ugh, wish I could go, but, I promised my Granny I'd help her set up a dating profile, she said she's ready to get back out there, soooooo..."
Lincoln: [Sighs, and suddenly gets another call.] "Hold on, I'm getting another call. [Checks] "Oh, it's Lynn." [Answers] "Hey LJ, do you wanna go to a magic show?"
Lynn: [Irate] "Uh, no, I wanna go to the bathroom, Stinkin', now get out of there!"
[Lynn stomps her foot so hard, Lincoln falls off the toilet.]


[Later that night at Flip's Food and Fuel, Lincoln, in his magician attire, is looking at Flip, who appears to be asleep while having his eyelids forced open with wooden binder clips.]
Lincoln: "Flip."
Flip: [snaps awake] "Gah!" [The binder clips go flying off his eyelids.] "Wha?"
Lincoln: "Can I get one bubblegum flippee to go?"
Flip: "Just one?" [Pulls down a sign] "Today's special; twice a flippee for only triple the price."
Lincoln: "Nah, just one's good, I'm riding solo tonight." [Suddenly, he hears a bag of chips hit the ground, he looks over and sees Liam with an armful of chips pick it up, he gets suspicious and runs up to him.] "Liam?"
Liam: [Dropping the chips and nearly having a heart attack.] "Yah!"
Lincoln: "I thought it was weaning season."
Liam: [Remembers telling Lincoln that, and looks around.] "Now what in tarnation? This isn't the barn, gee, I must have taken a wrong turn."
[Just then, Stella unknowingly walks up to them.]
Stella: [Not seeing Lincoln.] "Flip! The toilet's clogged!"
Lincoln: "Stella? I thought you were helping your Granny get back out there."
Stella: "I, uh..." [Awkwardly laughs]
[Suddenly, someone sneezes, they all look over, and behind a cardboard standee, they see curly orange hair.]
Lincoln: [Sighs] "Rusty! You can come out now, too."
Rusty: [Comes out, awkwardly laughing.] "Sup, man?"
Lincoln: "What's going on? You guys all said you were too busy to see The Amazing Brailster tonight."
Stella: "Look, Lincoln, the truth is, I think magic is boring."
Rusty: "Snooze fest."
Liam: "To me, it's more upsetting than boring. I know there ain't no coins behind my ears but they always find 'em."
Stella: "We're sorry for lying, but we didn't want to hurt your feelings."
Lincoln: "How can you not like magic? Clyde and I had a blast at the last Brailster show."
Stella: [She and Rusty look at each other.] "Actually, you had a blast. Clyde didn't want you to know, but he definitely didn't have fun."
Lincoln: "What are you talking about?"
[Flashback to the previous Amazing Brailster show.]
The Amazing Brailster: "And for my next trick, I'll need a bold audience member willing to be, [Pulls out a saw] sawed in half." [Everyone cheers, all except Clyde.] "How 'bout you, young man?"
[A spotlight dawns on Clyde, who gulps nervously.]
Lincoln: Wow, he's pointing at you, Clyde, you're so lucky."
Clyde: [Nervous] "Ye-Ye-Yeah, I love s-s-s-saws."
[Clyde nervously walks onto the stage.]
The Amazing Brailster: "Since you're my assistant, you should wear the hat." [Takes the hat off his head and gives it to Clyde, but when he tries to put it on, water spills out of it, all over him, everyone laughs at this, including Lincoln. As Clyde wipes it off, The Brailster offers him a hanky from his sleeve.] "Handkerchief?"
[Clyde pulls the hankies and at the end, he finds his own shirt, everyone laughs again, and Clyde runs off in humiliation. End flashback]
Lincoln: "Wow, how did I not see this? Clyde hates magic. But then, why does he always agree to go?"
Rusty: "Probably because he's just a really good friend."
Stella: "Yeah, I'm sure you do the same for him all the time."
[Lincoln then recalls something from a few days ago.]
Clyde: "Hey, what do you say we keep the fun train rolling, and do some antiquing."
Lincoln: "You know, as much fun as I had that day, I'm gonna have to pass."
[Clyde frowns. End flashback.]
Lincoln: "Actually, I don't. Here I am mad at Clyde when I'm the one who's a bad friend. I'll catch you guys later, I gotta take care of something." [Walks up to Flip, who quickly wakes up.] "I was wondering if I could talk to your business associate Tucker."
Flip: "Uh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere." [Presses a button switching his appearance consisting of a tuxedo and the shop's appearance.] "Welcome to Tucker's Tix and Tux! What can I do you for?"
Lincoln: [Takes off his hat and pulls out two tickets.] "I need to sell some tickets and buy some tickets."


[The next day, Lincoln rings the doorbell of the McBride residence and Clyde answers the door.]
Clyde: "Lincoln! Am I glad to see you, I want to apologize, I should have known that antiquing stuff would make you feel left out."
Lincoln: "Clyde, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I didn't really have to help Lisa with proctology. I just didn't want to go antiquing, but I should've been a good friend and gone anyway, just like you did with me and the Brailster."
Clyde: "What are you talking about, Lincoln? I love the Brailster."
Lincoln: "It's okay, Clyde, I know you don't, you just go 'cause you know it makes me happy, and I need to start doing the same for you, so... [Pulls out the tickets he bought.] I was wondering if you and Zach would like to join me for this."
[Lincoln gives the tickets to Clyde and it is shown that he bought three tickets to the Antique Hour.]
Clyde: "Antique Hour: Royal Woods Edition?"
Zach: [Smashes into Clyde upon hearing that.] "What? Wow, Lincoln, thanks for including me."
Lincoln: "Of course, Zach. In fact, I was thinking maybe we should call ourselves Cacholn McClurdle."
Clyde: "Or what about Zlydcon McGloudle?"
Zach: "Ooh, I know, Lydach LurdleMc."
[The three share a laugh.]
Clyde: "We should get going."
[Lincoln looks outside and holds his hand out to find that it's drizzling.]
Lincoln: "It's starting to drizzle. I'll just grab this umbrella." [Grabs the "umbrella" and rips it upon opening it.]
Clyde: "Actually, that was an 18th century Japanese parasol, but no problem."
[Lincoln smiles sheepishly.]

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