The following is a transcript for the episode "Back Out There".
[Royal Woods Elementary School. School bell rings, students are playing dodgeball in gym class.]
Zach: "Man, I hate dodgeball!"
[Zach tries to avoid incoming balls, when Girl Jordan and other classmates are running around.]
Lincoln: [dodging incoming ball] "Me too!"
Clyde: [dodging incoming ball] "It's the worst!"
Liam: "I'd rather milk an ornery cow!"
Rusty: "Chill out, guys! Just like we practiced." [takes a pose] "Snake formation!"
[Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam hide behind Rusty.]
Rusty: "So, we're all chilling at my place again today? Left!"
[Rusty, Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam move left, dodging incoming ball.]
Zach: "Sure. Oh! We can make another popcorn pizza!"
[Rusty, Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam move right, dodging incoming ball.]
Lincoln: "Sorry, guys!"
Lincoln: "I can't make it."
Clyde: "Lincoln, you haven't hung out with us for all week!"
Lincoln: "I know. I've just had this thing to take care of."
Lincoln: [running to the exit door] "Have fun guys! "Catch ya later!" [gets hit in face by a ball] "Hey! Girl Jordan! The whistle blew!" [leaves]
Clyde: "You know, I'm worried about Lincoln. It isn't like him to not want to hang out."
Zach: [Gasp] "You think maybe an alien has taken over his body?"
Rusty: "That would explain the white hair."
Clyde: "Guys! It's not an alien. Lincoln and I have a signal for that if that happens."
Liam: "Well, something ain't right!"
Clyde: "We're Lincoln's friends and we have to do something."
Liam: "Respect his privacy?"
Clyde: "No, we are totally going to spy on him and find out what's going on!" [gets hit by a ball] "Hey! Girl Jordan! The whistle blew!"
[Scene cuts to what was once the Santiagos' house, where Lincoln is sitting on his bike observed by his friends.]
Rusty: "Ronnie Anne's old house? This is where he's been coming everyday?"
Zach: "Doesn't he know she moved?"
Clyde: "I think I know what's going on here."
[They all duck into the shrub.]
Clyde: "Lincoln's got a classic case of PBB."
Zach: "Peanut Butter Breath?"
Rusty: "Pale Boy Bangs?"
Liam: "Polybrominated Biphenyls?"
Clyde: "No. Lincoln has PBB, or Post Breakup Blues. The poor guy misses Ronnie Anne so much that he's coming here everyday to pine for her." [takes out some pamphlets] "I learned all about it in the pamphlets I collected in Dr. Lopez's Waiting Room."
Zach: "So, what do we do? Should we talk to him about it?"
Clyde: "No! The pamphlet says that will just send him into a denial spiral. The only way to reverse PBB and get closure is to distract her from thinking about Ronnie Anne by using a three step process called BBP. The first boy is for boys' night out!"
Liam: [raises hand] "Oh! My meemaw said I have to be home before dark."
[Lincoln is hanging out with his friends.]
Lincoln: "A boys' afternoon out sounds great, guys! What brought this on?"
Liam: "Your PBB."
Lincoln: [confused] "My what?"
Zach: [shuts Liam up] "Uh...your Pale Boy Bangs. They're so pretty, the world needs to see 'em!"
Rusty: [grabs Lincoln] "Come on, Lincoln! First thing this boys' afternoon out needs is some new threads." [pushes Lincoln into the tailor shop Duds for Dudes.] "My dad said he'd hook us up."
[Inside the shop, the boys come out of their dressing booths and are wearing matching white tuxes.]
Mr. Spokes: "Now there's five happenin' cats! You're gonna be fighting off the ladies with a stick!"
Liam: "Aw, dang. I didn't bring my stick."
[The boys each pass by Rusty's dad and give him a high-five.]
Clyde: "Yeah, thanks."
Lincoln: "These are great!"
Rusty: "Thanks again, dad!"
Mr. Spokes: "Now, you kids have fun. Make sure to return the suits by tonight, and don't get a single spot on 'em..." [threateningly] "...OR YOU'LL BE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH!" [calmly] "Have fun!"
[Rusty gulps nervously and the others are outside the shop planning.]
Zach: "Anyone else feel like havin' buffalo wings?"
Clyde: "And nachos!"
Lincoln: "Chili fries!"
Liam: "Darn tootin'!"
[They all head off and leave Rusty behind.]
Rusty: [worried] "Uh, guys?"
[The boys are hanging out at Gus' Games and Grub and eating some messy food while keeping their suits clean.]
Rusty: [scared] "Careful, guys! Zach, napkin!" [gives Zach said napkin] "Lincoln, watch that sauce!" [gives Lincoln a napkin]
Zach: [whispers to Clyde] "It's working. He looks happy."
Clyde: [holds up his backpack with the pamphlets inside.] "These pamphlets have never steered me wrong."
[A song starts playing on the jukebox.]
Liam: "Ooh-wee, I love this song!"
Lincoln: "You know who else loves this song? Ronnie Anne." [eats a nacho]
[The boys look horrified at Lincoln thinking about his long distance girlfriend and Liam goes over to the jukebox.]
Liam: "Oh, uh, I just remembered. I hate this song." [changes it]
[Their waitress comes up]
Waitress: "Let me tell you guys about our dessert specials. We've got the heart-shaped cookie, the lovers' sundae for two, and the tira-miss-you!" [giggles]
Clyde: [frantically pushing the waitress away] "Nobody wants desserts! Let's play some games!"
[The others except Lincoln get up.]
Lincoln: [disappointed] "I wanted dessert."
Clyde: [grabs Lincoln] "Let's play Dance Dance Revolution!" [notices a couple playing on the game machine while holding hands and having hearts in their eyes.] "Never mind."
Zach: [covers Lincoln's eyes] "Let's just watch some TV."
[On the TV there's a wrestling match with two burly wrestlers tugging on a scrawny wrestler.]
Clyde: "Uh-oh. Those are Ronnie Anne's favorite tag-team wrestlers: Payne and Suffering."
Liam: "Uh, this place is lame. Who's up for a boys' day out music montage?" [takes Lincoln out]
[The montage begins with the boys going to a barbershop and getting their hair down. Then a limo comes by and takes them all for a ride as they pick out the sunroof and cheer. Next, they go to a rock climbing emporium, and then an indoor go-kart race course. After that, they go to an arts and crafts studio where Lincoln, Clyde, Zach and Liam make some pottery while Rusty wears a smock to keep his suit from getting dirty. Finally, they go to the pier and get their caricatures taken.]
Lincoln: "This boys' day out has been a blast, you guys!"
Clyde: "That's great to hear, Lincoln." [unsure] "Would you say you feel-" [looks in his pamphlet quickly] "-a sense of closure and more optimistic about the future?"
Lincoln: [thinking] "Um, that's pretty specific, but...yeah, I guess."
[His eye twitches while his friends smile at each other. His watch then starts beeping.]
Lincoln: [looking at the time] "Whoops! Sorry, guys. I have to go take care of that thing again." [runs off]
Zach: "Ugh! I can't believe it!"
Rusty: "So much for closure."
[Back at the former home of the Santiagos, same set up as last time.]
Zach: "He's back at Ronnie Anne's."
Liam: "Ooh-wee, he got it bad for that gal."
[They duck down again]
Clyde: "Don't worry. Minor setback. The pamphlet says this can happen. If the first B in BBP doesn't work, you just move onto the second B: Beautiful Ladies."
[They hop out of the shrub.]
Rusty: "That's my favorite B."
[A bus's horn blares through the air. Rusty notices it and a mud puddle right next to them.]
Rusty: [panicking] "Guys, protect the suits! Snake formation!"
[They get into formation and Rusty shields them all with an umbrella so the mud doesn't get on the suits as the bus drives by.]
Rusty: [victorious] "Ha! You can't beat the Rust Man that easily!" [suddenly, he and the others get pooped on by birds; distraught.] "NOOOOOOO!!!"
Rusty: [frantic] "Oh man. What am I gonna tell my dad about those suits?"
Liam: "Aw, don't worry. You can get bird poop out. It's donkey poop you gotta worry about."
Clyde: [notices the target] "Here comes Lincoln. We're all clear about what to do?"
[The others nod]
Lincoln: "Hey, guys."
Clyde: "Hey, buddy! You took care of your...thing?"
Lincoln: "Yep." [highfives Clyde]
[The others squint slyly to each other.]
Clyde: [nudging his best friend's shoulder] "Glad you could hang out some more."
Liam: [acting and looking through the mall's comic book store's window.] "I declare, Zach, isn't that your friend Renee in yonder comic book store?"
Zach: [acting] "You are right, Liam. She is probably there because she is a huge Ace Savvy fan."
Rusty: [acting] "Hey, Lincoln, you're a huge Ace Savvy fan, too. You should go talk to her."
Lincoln: "I don't-"
[Clyde grabs Lincoln and shoves him into the comic book shop. The boys give each other a thumbsup.]
[Inside the comic store, Lincoln is talking to Renee.]
Lincoln: "It's so cool to meet someone who loves Ace as much as I do!"
Renee: "Same here."
[They both notice a rare Ace Savvy comic.]
Lincoln: "Whoa! Is that the limited edition Christmas issue with the variant cover?"
Renee: "Deck the Halls? I've been looking for that forever!"
Lincoln: "Me too!"
Lincoln and Renee: "It's the only copy." [start fighting over it] "GIVE IT! IT'S MINE!"
[The boys are watching the struggle through the window.]
Clyde: "Looks like we're gonna need another beautiful lady." [A punch is heard off-screen.] "And an ice pack."
[In a dark theater, a girl with braces is watching a movie. The boys enter the theater.]
Clyde: [acting] "Hey, Liam, isn't that your cousin, Hattie?"
Liam: [acting] "Tar-r-rnation! I didn't see her horse parked outside. Lincoln, you should sit next to her. She's a bigger sci-fi fan than you are." [drags Lincoln over to Hattie]
Hattie: "Ooooh! My, my, how do? I'm Hattie." [Gestures her hand for a handshake.]
[One of the theater attendants hushes Hattie.]
Lincoln: [shakes Hattie's hand] "I'm Lincoln."
Hattie: [sticks her feet up a seat] "You done seen this picture before? Oooh! I love the part where the alien becomes human!"
Lincoln: [annoyed] "Kind of a spoiler."
Hattie: "That ain't nothing. Turns out the whole thing's just a dream!"
[The audience starts groaning and complaining and throwing their food at her and Lincoln, who facepalms.]
Theater Attendant: "She did NOT say that!"
[The gang regroups outside]
Clyde: "Rusty, you must know some beautiful ladies."
Rusty: [uneasy] "Well, you know..."
Zach: [doubting] "Yeah. You're always bragging about what a ladies' man you are."
Rusty: [nervous] "It's tough on such short notice-"
Liam: [beggin] "Come on, man! It's for Lincoln!"
Rusty: [giving in] "Uh, sure. I can make a call."
Rusty: "Ah. Here comes the lovely lady now."
[Enter an old lady]
Tina: "Hello, Rusty. I'm very excited to meet this white-haired gentleman you told me about."
Clyde: [drags Rusty aside; disciplinary] "Rusty, who is that?!"
Rusty: [sweating] "Uh...my piano teacher?"
[The others look at him in complete shock and dismay.]
Rusty: "Guys, give me a break! I've been going through a bit of a dry spell."
Zach: [sighs] "What are we gonna do, guys? Nothing seems to be working."
[Clyde looks over to the local karate dojo and sees a girl practicing in there.]
Karate Girl: "Hi-" [kicks a training bag] "YAH!"
Clyde: "Wait a minute, guys! Maybe instead of meeting someone who likes the same things as Lincoln, he needs to meet someone who likes the same things as Ronnie Anne."
[The girl keeps bashing on the training bag with her techniques while wailing a battle cry.]
Zach: "Ooooh! Good thinking, man!"
Rusty: "You should write your own pamphlets, dawg!"
[Lincoln comes out of the restroom while rubbing himself with a paper towel.]
Lincoln: "Well, I finally got all the hot buttered popcorn out of my hair and-" [gets grabbed by Clyde] "Aah!"
Clyde: [takes Lincoln to the dojo] "Hey, we were thinking about doing some group karate." [leaves]
Lincoln: "Uh, guys? I thought you said "group"."
Karate Girl: [notices Lincoln] "Oh. Did you want to spar?"
Lincoln: "No. Uh, that's-"
[The girl bows and starts sparring with and beating up Lincoln while the others watch.]
Zach: "Uh...I don't think beautiful girls is doing the trick."
Karate Girl: "HI-YAH!" [hits Lincoln again]
Clyde: "Well, in that case, it's time to move onto the final letter of BBP: P for Paradise. The pamphlet says Tahiti and Hawaii are good options."
Karate Girl: "WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH!"
[The boys check their pockets and find that they have no money.]
Rusty: "Hmm...sounds a little out of our budget."
[The boys are now sending a battered Lincoln away on a vacation.]
Lincoln: [reading his ticket] "Hazeltucky Motel and Water Park."
Liam: "Yep. Three days in paradise. We even packed your bag."
Lincoln: "Uh, guys, I appreciate the thought, but why are you doing this?"
[The bus arrives and the others decide to come clean.]
Clyde: "Because, buddy, it's the only way to cure your PBB!"
Lincoln: [worried] "I have Peanut Butter Breath, and no one told me?!"
Clyde: "No. Post Breakup Blues. We know Ronnie Anne broke your heart when she moved away, and we're trying to help you put the pieces back together."
Liam: "Yeah. We seen you standing outside her house, lookin' like a cat who done lost his saucer."
Lincoln: [holding back laughter] "Oh, man, that's what this is all about? Guys, you got it all wrong. I don't miss Ronnie Anne."
Clyde: "Here comes the denial spiral."
Lincoln: "No, seriously, I was only sitting in front of her house because-"
Bus Driver: "All aboard!"
[The boys shove Lincoln onto the bus and it leaves with him. Lincoln starts yelling at them but no sound comes through the back window.]
Clyde: "He'll thank us later."
Zach: "Yeah. I just hope he knows how lucky he is to have friends like us."
[Just then, they notice Lincoln's phone on the ground vibrating.]
Clyde: [picks phone up] "Huh. Lincoln must have dropped his phone." [sees who's calling] "Ronnie Anne?! Ugh! Unbelievable! She's still tormenting him? I'll handle this." [answers] "Hello, Ronnie Anne. This is Clyde, Lincoln's best friend."
Ronnie Anne: "I know who you are, Clyde. Where's Lincoln?"
Clyde: "You need to leave him alone!"
Rusty: "Yeah! He needs space to get over you!"
Ronnie Anne: "Get over me?"
Zach: "Yeah. Since you left, the poor guy's just been standing in front of your old house everyday."
Ronnie Anne: "Yeah! Because I asked him to look out for a package that was sent to me there!"
Clyde: "How's that now?"
Clyde, Rusty, Liam, and Zach: [guilty] "Uh-oh..."
Ronnie Anne: [frustrated] "Did you guys do something stupid again?"
Clyde: "We have to stop that bus!"
Rusty: "Snake formation! It'll cut down wind resistance!"
[The boys get into position and charge after the bus while wailing.]
[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln is talking to Ronnie Anne on video chat in his room.]
Ronnie Anne: "I'm glad they caught you in time."
Lincoln: "Yeah. I've never seen Clyde run that fast. He actually threw up."
Ronnie Anne: "You must've been furious with them for putting you through all of that."
Lincoln: "Nah. They were just trying to be good friends. Besides, I think they're suffering enough right now."
[Back at Duds for Dudes, the boys are cleaning the suits that got pooped on by Mr. Spokes' order.]
Rusty: [devastated] "Man, this bird poop isn't coming out."
Liam: "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's donkey poop that comes out easy and it's that dang bird poop that you gotta worry about."
[Back to Lincoln and Ronnie Anne's chat.]
Lincoln: "Well, the good news is, your package finally arrived!" [holds it up]
Ronnie Anne: "Cool! Hey, could you open it for me? I wanna make sure it's not damaged."
[Lincoln opens the box, and a pie splats over his face. Ronnie Anne laughs while Lincoln scowls in anger.]
Ronnie Anne: [still laughing] "Oh, man. That cost me 25 bucks, but it was so worth it. Smell ya later, lame-o." [signs off]
Lincoln: [cleaning himself off, irritated] "Ugh! Ronnie Anne!" [stops and realizes.] "Ha! I guess the guys were right. I really do miss her." [smiles confidently]
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