Changing the Baby/Script

The following is a transcript for the episode "Changing the Baby".

Script

[Lucy and Lynn's room; Lincoln comes in in his underwear holding a comic book.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lynn, do you wanna read the latest Ace Savvy comic with me?"
Lynn: [shooting some hoops] "A. Comics are boring. B. Put on some pants. And C. ya later." [bops Lincoln with basketball]
[Lincoln is gonna watch a movie; Luan walks by with her dummy, Mr. Coconuts.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Luan, do you wanna watch a science-fiction movie with me?"
"Mr. Coconuts": "Science fiction stinks, and that's a science fact."
Luan: [laughs] "I agree with Mr. Coconuts."
[Lola and Lana's room]
Lincoln: [coming in with a coin case] "Hey, Lola, do you want to check out my coin collection? I just got this one from Poland. It's called a Zloty."
Lola: "Lame! What's the point of money that you can't spend?"
[Lucy is writing a new poem and Lincoln comes in with the vacuum.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lucy, do you want to go ghost hunting with me?"
Lucy: "Why would I want to hunt my friends?"
[The kitchen]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lana, you wanna try half of my peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwich?"
Lana: "Uh, I eat some grody things, but that is disgusting." [sniffs it and retches; runs to the bathroom.]
[Lincoln is playing Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter XXIV.]
Game announcer: "ROUND 1: FIGHT!"
[enter Leni]
Lincoln: "Hey, Leni, you wanna play video games?"
Leni: "Those things will rot your brain. Besides, I have fashion magazines to look at."
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "You'd think that with all these sisters, there'd be just one that likes the same things I like. But sadly, that's not the case." [Lily comes in cooing.] "Even you, Lily. Sure you're hanging out with me now, but someday you're gonna be into your own things and we'll have nothing in common." [inspired] "Unless..." [takes Lily's blanket and pacifier and gives her the controller.]
Lily: [starts mashing buttons and giggles.]
Lincoln: "That's it! You don't have your own things yet! You're like an unformed lump of clay! But if I can mold you, then someone in this house will finally like the things I like!"
[Enter Clyde]
Clyde: "Hey, Lincoln! What has two thumbs and totally wants to hang out with his best friend?" [points to self] "This guy!"
Lincoln: [shoves Clyde out the door] "Sorry, Clyde. I'm in the middle of something important. I'm changing the baby."
Clyde: "'Something important'? But what's more important than hanging out with this guy?" [points to self again on "this guy" and looks in the window.]
Lincoln: "It's just you and me, Lily! We're gonna have the best time together!"
[Lily giggles and Clyde's thumbs deflate.]
Clyde: "Lily?!"

[Lincoln's room; Lincoln is showing Lily all of his material possessions.]
Lincoln: "Here are all the things that make life worth living."
Lily: [reaches for her blanket] "Blankie!"
Lincoln: [takes blanket away] "No, no, no. You don't like this. You like this." [turns on a movie] "Starship Groupers! My favorite underwater intergalactic adventure." [playing with model of the ship from the movie.] "Pew-pew-pew! Check this out. It's a 500-piece replica of the starship." [to the viewers] "Built by yours truly." [sees Lily's interested in it.] "Oh, you like it? Here you go!" [gives it to her]
Lily: [giggles and starts playing.] "Pew-pew! Pew-pew!"
Lincoln: "That's right! Pew pew pew!" [Lily starts shaking it.] "Uh, Lily? You gotta, you know, try to be..." [Lily tosses it into the air.] "...careful!"
[The model crashes onto the floor and shatters.]
Lily: "Pew-pew...?"
Lincoln: [holding back angst] "That's okay. I wanted to get the 600 piece model anyway."
[Lincoln shows off his coin collection to Lily.]
Lincoln: "Coin collecting is an awesome hobby, Lily. You collect coins from all around the world, then spend hours of fun carefully organizing them by country and denomination." [picks up his Zloty] "Who loves a Zloty? Lily does!"
[Lily looks at the Zloty then grabs and shakes the entire collection book.]
Lincoln: "Uh, Lily?"
[Lily stops shaking and smacks Lincoln with the book.]
Lincoln: "Thanks Zloty..."
[Lincoln is giving Lily lunch with his favorite sandwich.]
Lincoln: "This is my favorite sandwich, Lily. Peanut butter and sauerkraut. You can't chew it yet, but..." [blends it up and pours it in her sippy cup.] "...you can drink it!"
Lily: "Poo-poo!" [giggles]
Lincoln: "Cheers!"
[They eat and drink their sandwiches, belch and laugh.]
[Lincoln is showing her an Ace Savvy comic book.]
Lincoln: "Okay, Lily, this is my favorite crime fighter, Ace Savvy. And this is an Ace Savvy mobile I made for you." [spins mobile] "Now look into the mobile. You will love Ace Savvy. You will love Ace Savvy."
[Lily's eyes start going into what looks like a hypnotic state.]
Lincoln: "Yes! That's my girl!"
[Lily suddenly throws up revealing she was just dizzy from watching the mobile spin.]
Lincoln: "I guess we should have done this before the peanut butter and sauerkraut."
[Lincoln is taking Lily out for a walk in a baby carrier.]
Lincoln: "Whoo-hoo! Come on, Lily! I can't wait to show you more of my favorite things!" [heads off]
Clyde: [spying on Lincoln in the tree out front.] "I don't get it. I've been watching Lincoln all day, and I still don't know what Lily has that I don't." [busts out thumbs] "Come on, guys. Let's find out."

[Lincoln and Lily are at the arcade, and Lily wins a ton of tickets on a game.]
Lincoln: "Way to go, Lily!"
[Lily giggles cheerfully while Clyde spies on them in a toy grabbing game; Lincoln and Lily hit the hobby shop where Lily gets a toy plane and makes propeller sounds and Clyde is wearing a mask disguised as a news stand man while watching them; the clothes store.]
Lincoln: "Put your arms up."
[Lily does so and Lincoln puts an orange shirt just her size on her.]
Lincoln: "Let's see if we can find you a white wig."
[Lily forgot her blanket and grabs it.]
Lincoln: "Hurry up, Lily."
[They leave and Clyde has been watching them disguised as a mannequin; at the park, Lincoln and Lily are playing Chess with some senior folks and Lily wins her game, leaving her opponent in shame.]
Lincoln: "Amazing! You really are the best!"
Lily: [reaches for her blanket] "Blankie!"
Lincoln: "You don't need this anymore, Lily." [tosses Lily's blanket in the trash.]
Clyde: [pops out of trash bin] "I still don't get what's so great about this baby, but if that's what Lincoln wants..." [starts feeling depressed and gets pegged by an apple core.] "Hey! I'm having a moment here!"

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln and Lily are playing video games and Lincoln's other sisters are curious about this.]
Lori: "Um...what's going on?"
Lincoln: "You guys never wanna do the stuff I like, so I taught Lily to do it." [His sisters react shocked to that.] "Now I won't bother you. Everybody wins!"
Game announcer: "KO! PLAYER LILY WINS!"
Lincoln: "Well...not everybody."
[Lily giggles in victory.]

Lincoln: [reading Lily an Ace Savvy bedtime story.] "And Ace Savvy defeated the evil Card Countess. The end." [sees Lily fast asleep and gives her a kiss on the head.] "Thanks for the best day ever. I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship." [turns out the lights and leaves her room.]

[The next morning to the tune of Edvard Grieg's Morning Mood.]
Lincoln: "Rise and shine, Lily! We've got a lot to do today." [discovers that Lily's not in her crib and panics.]
Lynn: [outside] "Now batting, Number 2, Lily Loud!"
Lincoln: [peeks out to see Lynn is training Lily to play Baseball.] "Huh?" [rushes outside and dodges a fastball.] "Wah! Lynn, what are you doing?"
Lynn: "Dude, you're not the only one in this family who doesn't have anyone to do stuff with. Lily's gonna be my sports buddy."
Lincoln: "Hey! This was my idea, and I want her back!"
Lynn: "You don't own her! She wants to hang with me!"
Luan: "Introducing Luan Loud and her amazing dummy, Lil Lil!" [holding Lily who is dressed like Mr. Coconuts in the same position as him.] "Say, Lily, who's your favorite singer? Lady..."
Lily: "Gaga!"
Luan: "What's your favorite Hawaiian platter?"
Lily: "Poo-poo!"
Lynn: "Hey! That's no dummy! That's my cleanup hitter!"
Lincoln: "No, she's mine!"
Lynn: "Gimme that dummy!"
[The three of them start fighting over Lily, who flies right out of the fight cloud, then stops.]
Lincoln, Lynn, and Luan: "Lily?"
[Lucy is dressing Lily up in goth fashion and showing her photos of the deceased.]
Lucy: "This is Grandma Harriet. And this is Abraham Lincoln."
Lincoln: "Uh, Lucy...what are you doing?"
Lucy: "I'm introducing Lily to my ghost friends."
Lincoln: "She already has a friend named Lincoln!" [takes Lily back]
Lucy: "Sigh..."
[Lincoln wipes Lucy's makeup off Lily's face.]
Lincoln: "Black is not your color. Orange is!" [gets out another small orange shirt and turns around to find that Lily's gone again.] "Dang it!"
[Lori is showing Lily her favorite reality show.]
Lori: "Now, Dylan can only pick one girl to spend the rest of his life with. And it'd better be Marisol."
Lily: [blows a raspberry of disagreement.]
Lori: "Yeah, you're right. Maybe he will be happier with Tiffany."
Lincoln: [slides down the banister] "Give her back, Lori!"
Lori: "Why should you get her? I've literally been waiting 17 years for someone in this family who likes the things I like!"
Leni: "HELP!"
[Lori and Lincoln rush to Leni's rescue and discover she's stuck in Lily's crib.]
Leni: "Oh, thank goodness. I got in here to show Lily my fashion magazine, but now I can't get out of this baby prison!" [bawls like a baby]
[Lincoln and Lori help her out.]
Lincoln: "Upsy-daizy."
Lori: "There you go, Leni."
Leni: [grateful] "Agoo."
[Lisa suddenly starts laughing evilly and has Lily strapped to one of her machines to use her as a test subject.]
Lily: "Poo-poo?"
[Lisa is about to throw the switch but Lincoln stops her.]
Lincoln: "Hold it! Are you nuts?!"
Lisa: "Come on, Lincoln! No one in this family ever willingly lets me do experiments on them!"
Lincoln: "Lisa! She's a baby!"
Lisa: "I was going to give her a sucker afterward." [holds out a lollipop to which Lincoln facepalms.]
Lincoln: "Look, everyone just stay away from Lily! She's my little Lincoln!"
Lori, Leni, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, and Lisa:" [pointing] "Uuuuh..."
Lincoln: "What?" [sees she's gone again] "DANG IT!"
[Luna is jamming with Lily on drums and gets up on her bunk bed.]
Luna: "STAGE DIVE! WOO!" [dives off her bed right towards Lily who has a bad feeling about this and Lincoln and their sisters push her out of Lily's way.] "WOO!"
Lincoln, Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, and Lisa: [see she's gone again] "Where's Lily?!"
[Lily is having a tea party with Lola.]
Lola: "More tea, Lady Lilington?"
Lana: "She doesn't wanna have a dumb tea party. She wants to play with Izzy!" [puts Izzy on Lily's head.]
Lola: "No she doesn't!"
Lana: "Yes she does!"
Lola: "No she doesn't!"
Lana: "Yes she does!"
Luna: "Dudes, give her back! We were in the middle of a jam sesh!"
Lisa: "She was my specimen!"
Lucy: "We were talking to Great Grandma Harriet."
Lynn: "We were playing ball!"
Luan: "We were getting ready to take our show on the road!"
Leni: "We were gonna look at my magazines!"
Lori: "We were watching Dylan's date!"
Lucy: "BT-dubs, Lori, Great-Grandma Harriet knows you regifted her brooch, and she's not happy about it."
[Lori instantly looks regretful.]
Lola and Lana: "GIVE US BACK LILY!"
[The girls all fight over Lily until Lincoln comes in and grabs her.]
Girls: [Stop fighting and notice their brother is about to sneak away.] "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!"
[Lincoln tries to escape with Lily, but Lori stops him dead in his tracks.]
Lori: "I'll take that." [grabs Lily and runs]
Lincoln: "Oh, no, you don't!" [gets Lily back from Lori but crashes into Luan who switched Lily out with Mr. Coconuts.]
Luan: "Whoops. Sorry, Linc!" [runs off] "Sorry, dummy!" [laughs but loses Lily to Leni.]
Leni: "Ha! Na-na-na, na-na-na!" [loses Lily to Lisa while she's gloating at Luan.] "LILY'S INVISIBLE!"
Lucy: "Boo."
[Lisa screams and Lucy takes Lily from her.]
Lucy: "Boo."
[Leni runs off screaming; Lisa gets Lily back from Lucy only for Leni to intercept her; Luan tosses a banana peel on the floor causing Leni to slip and drop Lily and Lincoln catches her; Lynn intercepts Lily; Lola comes driving in her princess car and runs over Lynn and takes Lily from her; Lana tosses her jacks on the floor and causes Lola to have a tire blow out; in slow motion, Lola goes crashing and Lana grabs Lily only for the other girls to catch up to her by blocking her path.]
Lana: "Dang it..."
[They all start having another brawl until Lincoln whistles out to them and they stop.]
Lincoln: "Look! We all want Lily to be our mini-me, right? Well, there's only one way to settle this. We'll let Lily choose."

[Everyone has come together in the living room for Lily decide which sibling she's going to be with.]
Lincoln: "Now, whoever Lily crawls to is the one she wants to be with. Agreed?"
[The girls nod and they all take out their items relating to what they wanted Lily to like what they like earlier: Lincoln has his Ace Savvy comic, Lori has the TV remote, Leni has her fashion magazine, Luna has her drumsticks, Luan has Mr. Coconuts, Lynn has her baseball mitt, Lucy has her photo of Abe Lincoln, Lana has Izzy, Lola has her teapot, and Lisa has her cables; each one of them beckon Lily with them.]
Lincoln: "Come on! It's Ace Savvy!"
Luan: "Wooden you like to be my friend?"
Lynn: "Low and inside!"
Lana: "Izzy!"
Leni: "Look at the magazine!"
Lori: "Marisol?"
Lola: "Extra sugar!"
Luna: "Walk this way."
Lucy: "Abe Lincoln."
Lisa: "I have more suckers!"
[Lily is starting to feel a little stressed over which one of them to be with as she just can't decide; fortunately for her, Clyde comes in.]
Clyde: "LINCOLN! You wanna hang out with babies?" [tears off his clothes revealing to be wearing a diaper and puts on a bonnet and busts out Lily's blanket.] "Then let's hang." [puts his thumb in mouth.]
[The Loud Kids all gasp at the sight of Clyde and Lily starts crawling towards someone...or something.]
Lincoln: "Hey, look! Lily's coming to me!"
Lynn: "Nuh-uh! To me!"
Lincoln: "To me!"
Lynn: "To me!"
[Lily crawls all the way to Clyde because he has her blanket.]
Loud Kids: "SHE CHOSE CLYDE?!"
Clyde: "I have something to say to you, Little Miss Friend Stealer!" [Lily takes her blanket back and makes a cute face to Clyde.] "You are..." [Unable to resist her cuteness] "...absolutely adorable! No wonder Lincoln wants to hang with you!" [hugs her]
Lincoln: [disturbed at his best friend's ensemble] "Clyde, why are you wearing a diaper?"
Clyde: "You replaced me with Lily, so I thought this was the only way to win you back."
Lincoln: "I'd never replace you. You're my best friend."
Lily: [cuddling her blanket] "Blankie!"
Lincoln: "Her blankie...of course! Now I get it, you guys. We can't mold Lily. No matter what we do, she's always gonna want the things she wants. Besides, I forgot I already have someone who likes everything I like. What do you say, Clyde? Wanna hang?"
Clyde: "Sorry, Lincoln. Lily and I have plans. Hey, Lily! What has four thumbs and loves milk?"
Clyde and Lily: [point to themselves] "These guys!"
Lori: [on her phone] "Bobby, does your mom still have that brooch I gave her?"
[Lucy raises her head up and smiles, knowing she successfully got Great Grandma Harriet's message to Lori.]