Chore and Peace/Script

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The following is a transcript for the episode "Chore and Peace". Script [Lincoln is dumping all the trash around the house into a trash bag.] Lincoln: [to the viewers] "It's Chore Day at the Loud House, and taking out the trash is my job. And in a family as big as mine, chores can be pretty intense. But we get through 'em because we all do our fair share." [Leni enters the bathroom, plucks a hair out of the sink, and places it on Lincoln's garbage pile.] Leni: "Chores all done!" [slams the door making the trash splatter all over Lincoln.] Lincoln: "Well, except maybe for Leni." [starts cleaning out the expired and moldy stuff in the fridge and notices Luan and Lynn washing the dishes together.] "Wait. Two of you do one chore?" Lucy: [closes the fridge door behind Lincoln's back.] "Three of us." [Lincoln screams in fear of Lucy and observes Luan who is washing a dish and passes it to Lucy.] Lucy: "Sigh." [dries it off with her breath.] Lynn: [catches the plate tossed to her by Luan.] "Lynn Loud makes a snag!" [puts it away] "Touchdown!" Lincoln: "That doesn't seem very fair." [Enter Luna with the vacuum] Luna: "Open sesame, bro." [dumps all the dust she vacuumed up into the bag.] Lana: [carrying in the pooper scooper] "Little present from Charles!" [dumps it in] "Special delivery from Cliff!" [dumps it in] "And airmail from Walt!" [catches Walt's incoming dung and tosses it into the trash bag and notices Geo rolling away.] Lincoln: "What about Geo?" [The toilet flushes] Lana: "Oh, I taught him to use the toilet." Lincoln: "This isn't a chore for you; it's a hobby." [Water splashes] Lana: "Uh-oh! Geo fell in again!" [busts out a net and runs to his rescue.] "Hang on, baby! Mama's comin'!" [The basement; Lori is doing everyone's laundry and Lily is spinning on the top of the dryer; Lori adds the detergent and leaves the machine to do its thing and starts texting on her phone; Lincoln gathers the trash down there and is struggling to get the bag up the stairs since it's gotten so bulky from all the other trash.] Lincoln: "Can I get a little help here?" Lori: "Can't you see I'm doing the laundry?" [laughs] "LOL, Bobby!" Lincoln: [unable to hold the bag.] "WHOA!" [gets crushed; finally gets the bag out to the curb only to find that the weight from it has torn a hole in it and the trash has been scattered everywhere.] "Dang it." [Luna is vacuuming some more and Lincoln unplugs the device.] Luna: "Dude, what gives?" Lincoln: "Alright, everyone! Listen up! It has come to my attention that I've gotten a raw deal in this house!" Leni: "You mean your white hair? It's nice. It makes you look like Pop-Pop." Lincoln: "I'm not talking about our grandfather! I'm talking about my chore! It's way harder than all of yours, and it's not fair!" Lori: "Please. Our chores are just as hard as yours, if not harder." Lincoln: "Oh, really? Look at Lisa! What does she even do?" Lisa: [on the line] "Uh, hold on, Janice." [puts Janice on hold] "I do the bills, Lincoln." [goes back on her call] "Now, listen, I want that charge removed, Janice. I don't think anyone in this house bought a car in Saskatchewan." Lincoln: "Well, if you all think your chores are so hard, I'm sure one of you won't mind trading with me." Lori: "No way, Lincoln. There's a very delicate balance in this house, and if we all start trading chores, it will literally open up a can of worms." Lana: "What's so bad about that? Worms rule!" Lincoln: [deterred] "Okay then..." [Lincoln starts holding up a sign with a "No Symbol" over a trash can, indicating he's on strike from his chore.] Lincoln: [chanting] "One, two, three, four! I won't do your stupid chore!" Lori: "What the heck are you doing?" Lincoln: "I'm on strike until someone agrees to trade chores with me." [chanting] "Five, six, seven, eight! Garbage Day will have to wait!" Lana: "What am I supposed to do with all this poop?" [holds up several sacks] Lincoln: [chanting more] "Nine, ten, eleven, twelve! Take that poop out by yourself!" Lori: "Ugh! Will you stop talking in chants?" Lincoln: [refusing to stop] "Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen!" [stops] "Uh..." [tries to think of a rhyme for sixteen as his parents watch.] Lynn Sr.: "Think we should intervene, honey?" Rita: "No, not yet. I wanna see what he rhymes with sixteen. Also, maybe we should let the kids handle this themselves. They might learn something." Lynn Sr.: "Good idea." [busts out a jigsaw puzzle] "In that case, it's time for ol' Jigsaw Loud to get back in the puzzle game!" Rita: [chuckles] "Didn't we agree to never use that name again?" [Lola is practicing her posture with books on her head.] Lola: "And that's why I deserve to be the next Cute N' Mean's Beauty Queen." [slips on a banana peel] Lincoln: [chanting] "What do I want? Someone else's chore! When do I want it? Now! What do I want? Someone else's chore! When do I want it?" [gets pegged by peel] "Ow!" [Chunk is helping Luna with her amps as she rocks on.] Luna: "So, what'a ya think, Chunk?" Chunk: "It stinks." Luna: "Way harsh, dude." Chunk: "Not the song, your room. Chunk's gotta blow." [leaves] Lincoln: [chanting] "Think it through, don't be rash, trade with me, or live with trash! Think it through, don't be rash, trade with me, or live with-" [Luna gets annoyed and tosses her drumsticks at him and he shields himself with his sign.] "Ha! Missed me!" [Luna tosses the rest of her drum kit at him and gets him this time; Leni is getting ready to take a shower but finds the tub filled with garbage.] Leni: "Ew!" Lincoln [faking sympathy] "Aw...got a problem?" Leni: "Oh, not with you, Pop-Pop." [Lincoln puts on a hairnet to hide his white hair until further notice.] [The girls are all having a meeting to discuss Lincoln's behavior.] Lola: "Princesses cannot live in this filth!" Lana: "It's disgusting, and I know disgusting." Lucy: "I totally agree." Lori: "This can't go on. We have to do something." [Lincoln overhears this and believes one of them is finally going to agree to trade chores with him.] Lincoln: [chanting] "Hey, hey. Ho, ho. Tomorrow I get a brand new Cho...re. Good thing they're giving in. 'Cause I'm all out of rhymes." [The next morning, Lincoln wakes up and finds out that he has no clean laundry.] Lincoln: "Lori, where's all my clean laundry?" Lori: "Hm...laundry, laundry...oh! I didn't do it." Lincoln; "And why not?" [Lori holds up a sign with a "No Symbol" over a washing machine, meaning only one thing.] Lincoln: "Ha! You're going on strike?" [The other girls hold up signs as well.] Lana: "We're all going on strike until you agree to end yours!" Lori: "That means no laundry, no clean dishes, no vacuuming..." Lisa: "...and no doing the bills." [on her call] "Janice, cut the power and the water. We're going off the grid." Lincoln: "Well, good luck! 'Cause I'm not backing down!" Sisters: "NEITHER ARE WE!" Lori: [chanting] "One, two, three, four! I won't wash your clothes no more!" Luna: "CHORES! HUH! WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR?!" Sisters: "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! SAY IT AGAIN!!!" Lynn Sr.: "Now should we intervene?" Rita: "Oh, no. Let's give the kids a little more time to resolve this on their own." Lynn Sr.: "Sweet! Who's up for round two? Jiggy Loud's about to do a pizzy up in this bizzy!" Rita: "Uh-uh." THE NEXT DAY [Charles licks Lincoln awake and he gets up to find that all his clothes stink, so he applies a garbage bag to wear, where he comes across Lynn kicking something around.] Lincoln: "Ew. What is that?" Lynn: "Bunch of hair from the sink drain. Makes a great footbag." Lincoln: [goes to check on Lori] "Hey, Lori, now that Lisa stopped back the bills, it must be pretty hard having no cell service." Lori: "Who needs cell service? I found a new way to text Bobby." [holds up Walt in her hands and gives him a message as her text.] "Fly away, my faithful messenger!" [Walt takes off and smacks into the window, to which Lincoln laughs.] Lori: "What? Phones crash all the time." [opens the window and lets Walt fly.] [Lisa and Lily's room] Lincoln: "Pretty messy in here. Must be pretty hard to get any work done." Lisa: "On the contrary. The garbage and my chemicals have fused, creating a scientific breakthrough. I call him Homo Trashilius. Or Trashy for short." [A living breathing creature made out of trash roars at Lincoln, scaring him off.] Lynn Sr.: "Okay, now should we intervene?" Rita: "I still think the kids can solve this themselves. Besides the house has...looked worse." [notices Lily crawling around in trash with a chip bag on her head.] "Aw, come here, sweetie." [picks her up] Lynn Sr.: "Round three with Jiggy P?" [Rita turns it down] THE NEXT DAY [A raccoon licks Lincoln awake, thus terrifying both of them; the trash has really been piling up and Lincoln puts on tissue boxes for shoes; Lynn's footbag has gotten so big with hair that she's trapped inside of it.] Lynn: "HELP! MY FOOTBAG'S OUT OF CONTROL!" Lincoln: "This could all be over if you'd just end your strike." Lynn: [shakes fist] "NOT TILL YOU END YOURS!!!" [rolls away] [The doorbell rings; Lincoln answers it.] Reporter: "Hi, we're from the Miss Cute N' Mean pageant, here to do a behind the scenes interview with Miss Lola Loud." [Lola comes down in her ensemble now covered in trash.] Lola: [singing] "🎶 Here she is! The next Cute N' Mean! 🎶" [poses and farts] Reporter: "Ew! More like Miss Gross N' Gnarly! Interview over!" [The crew leaves] Lola: "NO!" [growls at Lincoln] "You...THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" [starts chasing Lincoln] [Lori is watching and laugh at Lincoln's torture; just then, Clyde enters, happy to see her.] Clyde: "Lori!" [Lori shrieks in horror to see that Walt sent her text to Clyde instead of Bobby.] Clyde: "Walt brought me your text. Usually, I bleed profusely from my nose, turn into a robot, and eventually faint when I'm around you, but this has given me the confidence to say...I LOVE YOU, TOO!" Lori: "WHAT?!" Clyde: "Don't worry. I already broke the news to Bobby. He took it pretty hard, but a really nice cheerleader is consoling him." [puckers his lips hoping for a kiss.] Lincoln: "Phew! Finally lost Lola." Lori: [enraged] "YOU!!!" [chases Lincoln who runs away in panic and is unable to lose her.] [Trashy has grown quite a bit and grabs the two of them.] Lisa: "TRASHY! BAD!" [realizes she's still on her call.] "No, no, not you, Janice." Lincoln: "Lisa! What have you been feeding him?" Lisa: "His name is Trashy. What do you think, genius?" [Trashy roars voraciously and Lily starts crying off in the distance.] Trashy: "Baby?" Lori: "Great, Lincoln. You made Lily cry." [The kids and Trashy check Lily's crib.] Lincoln: "There, there. It's okay, Lily." [pulls out the covers only to find that the raccoon is in Lily's crib instead of Lily.] Lana: [catches it] "I'm more than just poop patrol." [Lana tosses the raccoon at the window which is closed; the raccoon gets frustrated and opens it up and leaves.] Lincoln: "Guys, if the raccoon was in the crib...then where's Lily?" [The girls and Trashy gasp and everyone starts searching for her.] Kids: "LILY!!!" Lincoln: "She's in here somewhere!" Lucy: "We'll never find her in this mess." Lincoln: "We have to clean up!" [holds up sign] "I declare this strike officially over!" [breaks his sign and gets a splinter.] "Ow! Who's with me?" Sisters: "WE ARE!!!" [break their signs] Lisa: [calls Janice] "Janice, how soon can we get back on the grid? 24 hours? What if I throw in a muffin basket?" [Janice obliges and puts them back on the grid; the kids continue to search for Lily in their junkyard of a house.] Lincoln: "Come on! You gotta be around here somewhere!" [They hear Lily making noises and it sounds like it's coming from the kitchen.] Lincoln: "Hang on, Lily! Your big brother's coming!" [searches around as fast he can.] Lucy: [interrupts him] "There's a better way." Luan: "Wash and learn!" [laughs and starts doing the dishes at breakneck speed.] Lucy: "Sigh." [dries it with her breath] [Lynn is still trapped in her hairy footbag and Luna vacuums it up and sets her free; Lynn catches all incoming plates and Lincoln checks the basement.] Lincoln: "Hang on, Lily! I'm coming!" [dives into a laundry pile stacked up high but starts to drown.] "So...much...underwear!" Lori: [saves him] "Yeah, and that's just Dad's. Now get outta my way, little bro. I've got a system." [starts washing and folding until she has gotten every single pair only to meet up with Clyde in the hamper.] Clyde: "Hey, sugar lips. Should our couple name be "Clori" or "Llyde"?" Lori: "Bobby and I are back together." [This breaking news causes Clyde to lose his confidence and do what he usually does when he sees Lori.] Clyde: [gets a nosebleed; starts acting like a robot.] "ABORT. ABORT." [faints] [Everyone is doing their best to clean house and find Lily, but to no avail on the latter.] Lana: "Poop patrol is done, but no Lily!" Lola: "Beds are made, no Lily!" Trashy: [checks under the sofa] "No baby!" Lola: "Maybe she's under all this trash!" Lincoln: "Step aside!" [gets out a trash bag] "Taking out the trash...is my job." [Lincoln eyes Trashy who gulps and takes all the trash out.] Lori: "Well, we've all done our chores, and there's still no Lily." Lincoln: [guilty] "This is all my fault! For the rest of my life..." [familiar giggling] "...I"ll be haunted by the sound of her adorable giggling!" Rita: "Lincoln, what are you crying about?" Lincoln: "Mom, I confess! We lost-" [surprised]"... Lily? Have you guys had her this whole time?" Rita: [holding Lily in her arms] "Of course. You didn't think we'd leave her in that mess, did you?" Lynn Sr.: "You know, we're proud of you guys for working this out. Now, who wants to a puzzle with J to the Iggy?" Kids: "Who?" [Later on, Lincoln, while wearing his normal clothes again walks outside with his sign.] Lincoln: [to the viewers] "When it comes to chores, nobody in the Loud House has it easy. The truth is, we all do our fair share." [feeds his strike sign to Trashy.] Mr. Grouse: "Hey, Loud! Don't bother! There's no trash pickup this week! The garbage workers are striking for more money!" Lincoln: "Wait! They get paid to take out the trash?!" [The kids are now back on strike demanding an allowance for their chores.] Kids: [chanting] "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! GIVE US CASH OR NO MORE CHORES!" Rita: "Any ideas, J Pizzy?" Lynn Sr.: "Now this is a puzzle." [giddy] "Can you call me that again?" Rita: "J Pizzy." 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