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The following is a transcript for the episode "Cooked!".
Script
Act I
[The episode begins with Lincoln applying some paint to a building]
Lincoln: [To the viewers, excited] "Today's the big day. The grand opening of my dad's restaurant, Lynn's Table. That's right, his dream of opening his own place is finally coming true. But let me tell ya, it hasn't been easy getting here."
[Lincoln looks up as it pans up to the restaurant's sign. Fade transition flashback to a different sign that reads "Something Fishy Restaurant".]
Lincoln: "First, Dad had to find a place."
[The Loud family looks at the restaurant that their dad picked out. The outside of the building appears to be grody-looking and worn down, and the fish head on top of the building rotates slowly for a second, and then short circuits. Everyone, expect for Lynn Sr. and Lana, looks aghast at the worn down restaurant.]
Lynn Sr.: "So, what do you guys think?"
[Lily raspberries disapprovingly]
Lola: [Pinching her nose in disgust] "I think, it stinks!"
Lana: "That's the best part! [Inhales the scent] Cod, with a hint of lobster paste."
[Lincoln, Lola, and Lisa are nauseated. Just then, a butterfly flies past them and it lands on the giant fish head, which shakes the second it does, resulting in falling off, completely avoiding the Louds, who scream at the incoming impact. The fish head then bounces off offscreen.]
Lynn Sr.: "Look, it's going upstream to spawn." [laughs]
[The fish head crashes into Vanzilla.]
Lynn: "Yeah, on your car."
Lynn Sr.: [notices] "AAHH!" [runs up to the destroyed van] "Ah--oh-oh no, not Vanzilla."
[Flashback #2]
Lincoln: "Once dad bought the old fish shack, we all pitched in to fix it up." [A truck backs up to the old restaurant.] "Coming through." [The family set to work on the new restaurant.] "Lynn handled the demolition."
[Lynn tears up a part of a wall.]
Lynn: "You want me to knock down that wall too, Dad?" [Runs to said wall]
Lynn Sr.: "No no, no no, no no no no no, that one's load-bearing!" [Starts after Lynn Jr.]
Lincoln: "And Lana fixed up the bathrooms."
Lana: "I hooked you up big time, Dad. That bathroom is so nice, I wouldn't be surprised if people stopped by just to use it."
Lynn Sr.: "Well, I hope they'll at least buy an appetizer."
[Suddenly a toilet in the other bathroom flushes, Hops comes out.]
Lana: "Hops was testing out the heated toilet seats."
[Hops gestures that the heated seats are working perfectly]
Lincoln: "And Lisa helped Dad get ready for his health inspection, though I think she was little tougher on Dad than the actual inspector."
Lisa: [Measuring the distance between the dumpster and the back door] "Tsk tsk tsk, your dumpster should be a minimum of fifteen feet from your exit, you're three inches short, that's an infraction." [Lynn Sr. throws his chef hat to the ground.] "Hm, no hairnet, that's another infraction."
[Resumé transition]
Lincoln: "Next, it was time for Dad to hire a few employees."
Lynn Sr.: "So, why do you want to work here?"
Mrs. Bernardo: "I was just cast as Waitress #3 in the Royal Woods One Act Festival, so I need to prepare for the role. [stands up and begins singing] Would you like a table or would you like a booth. [stops singing and Lynn Sr. is weirded out] Oh, did I mention it was musical?"
[Rita and the kids give thumbs down.]
Lynn Sr.: "So, why do you want to work here?"
A. Kidd: "Yeah my parents are forcing me to get a job since I left our car's sunroof open in the rain and ruined it, but I'm like really responsible."
[Rita and the kids shake their heads for no, but Leni gives two thumbs up, and everyone looks at Leni.]
Leni: "What, I find him relatable."
Lynn Sr.: "Why do you want to work here?"
Mr. Grouse: "I don't want to work here, Loud, I came to tell you your dog went on my lawn. Feel free to pick it up."
[Mr. Grouse walks off.]
Lincoln: "But eventually, Dad found the perfect people for the job, his best friend and bandmate Kotaro, and Grant, the Burpin' Burger's two time employee of the month."
[Rita and the kids give thumbs up. Lynn Sr. hires Kotaro and Grant.]
Lynn Sr.: "Pound it guys, now blow it up."
Lincoln: "The best part of helping Dad get ready was tasting the sample menu."
Lynn Sr.: "Now everyone take a comment card and rate the dishes based on presentation, texture, flavor-" [Hears gnawing, and sees that everyone has already devoured the sample menu] "Slow down, I need detailed feedback."
Lynn: [Belches up scraps of paper, and groans] "I just ate my comment card." [Everyone groans]
[End of flashback]
Lincoln: "All that's left now, are a few last minute touches."
[Puts the paintbrush into the can, and slides down the ladder. He walks casually to the door, but Leni unknowingly hits him with it]
Leni: [Looking for Lincoln] "Lincoln! Dad's gathering everyone!" [Doesn't see Lincoln] "Oh, I guess he's not out here."
[Leni casually walks back outside, and Lincoln, having been hit by the door, falls to the ground in pain]
Lynn Sr.: [As Lincoln walks in] "Hey everybody, I just wanted to say thanks for helping get this place ready." [Takes a breath, and pulls back the curtain behind him] "Ta-da!" [Everyone admires the place] "Now there's just one thing left to do, and it's kind of a biggie; publicity." [Gestures to a wagon full of flyers, and starts handing them to his kids] "Now, I had a truck load of flyers made for you kids to distribute all around town, nothing fancy just advertising "great food at a great price", I was thinking that could be our motto."
Lori: [Notices something] "Uh, Dad, I think there's a typo."
Lynn Sr.: "What?" [Looks at the card] "'Come on down to Lynn's table for our gah... gland opening? Ah no."
Lisa: "It sounds like you're offering treatment for lymphadenitis."
Lynn Sr.: "What am I gonna do? There's not enough time to reprint these. Oh, ah, this is bad, this is a - no one's gonna show up and we'll be totally sunk." [Sighs, and Rita comforts him]
Lincoln: "Hey Dad, I've got an idea; why don't you let us take care of the promoting? I'm sure we can come up with something."
Lola: "Yeah! We can help Daddy."
Luan: "Of course, I'd be gland to do it." [Laughs]
Lynn Sr. "Ah, kids, thank you; you don't know what this means to me, and I just know you'll think of something brilliant," [The kids are pleased] "when you put your heads together, you always do."
Lisa: "Whelp, I'll go ahead and recycle these."
Lynn Sr.: "Ah, sweetie we don't have a recycling bin yet."
Lisa: "Ooh, I see," [writes on her clipboard] "that is another infraction."
[Lynn Sr. face palms]
[Back at the Loud House, the siblings are having a meeting]
Lori: [Banging her shoe as a gavel] "Okay, so let's all pitch our ideas on how to promote Dad's restaurant, then we can vote for our favorite. Who want's to go first? [Lincoln volunteers] "Why an I not surprised?"
Lincoln: [Taking the spot] "Picture this; airing on every TV in Royal Woods, a commercial for Dad's restaurant." [Pulls down a projector screen showing his plan] "The angle, 'Let a man used to cooking for thirteen handle your huge party, big groups encouraged, buses welcome', a-thank you, a-thank you."
[Next is Lisa]
Lisa: "According to my research, and personal experience; there's nothing people love more than... Bottomless baskets of fries! I propose we offer them with every entrée."
[Lori's turn]
Lori: "I say, we install a photo booth," [holds up a reel of herself and Bobby] "it would pull in literally every teen in Royal Woods."
[Luan's turn]
Luan: [Holding a cake] "So as you see, mine is the batter idea." [Smashes the cake in her face]
[Montage of the other siblings]
Lola: "Ta-da! It's perfect."
Luna: [Wailing her guitar] "Ta-daaaa! Yeah"
Lucy: "Ta-da."
Leni: "And there it is, bingo."
Lynn: "It's a home run."
Lana: "And there you have it." [High fives Hops]
[Finally, Lily shows her fridge art and babbles]
Lori: "Thank you Lily, displaying your fridge art is a very creative idea. Now that all of us have presented, let's put it to a vote."
[A COUPLE MINUTES LATER]
Lori: [Pulls out the last vote, the siblings are in suspense] "...and one booger smeared vote for Lana's plan."
[Tallies it on the chalkboard, everyone got one vote, all siblings except Lori groan]
Lincoln: "It's officially an eleven way tie. Did everyone just vote for themselves?" [Everyone nods] "Well, I think we should go with my commercial idea. No offense, but...it's the most thought-out plan."
Lisa: "Excuse me, hours of research went into my fries proposal."
Lynn: "How are you gonna get your commercial on TV anyway, Stinkoln? Huh? Did you even think about that!?"
Lincoln: "Yes I did, Lynn! Clyde's dads happen to have a connection at the TV station."
Lynn: "Pfft. What a load."
Lincoln: "You're just mad that no one liked your idea."
Lynn: "Yeah, well, I liked it."
Luan: "You also liked the taste of your own burps. Now what about my plan?"
Lana: "Forget that. I say we use mine!"
Lola: "No! Yours stunk big time!"
Lana: "You TAKE THAT BACK!"
Lola: "MAKE ME!"
[The Twins start to fight, followed by the rest of the siblings. They stop]
Lucy: "That's it. I'm done with this conversation!"
Lori: "Well, I'm done with you guys BEING IN MY ROOM!"
Lola: "Well, I'm done with looking at your face, Lori!"
[The rest of the sisters minus Lori and Leni angrily go back to their rooms, but Lincoln calls out for them]
Lincoln: "Guys, wait! What are we gonna do for the grand opening?"
[However, the sisters don't listen to him and just slam the doors on him. Lincoln sighs.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Well, my sisters may be fine with dropping the ball, but I'm not. Dad's counting on us. [shuts the door like his sisters did] So I’m just gonna go ahead and make my commercial without their help. And when busload of customers show up for Dad's restaurant, he'll have me to thank. All I need now is a cameraman. [Takes out his walkie-talkie] Clyde, how would you like to help me shoot a commercial?"
Clyde: "Uh, yeah, I'm in."
Lincoln: "Umm, do you think you could bring that tree costume you wore last Christmas?"
Clyde: "Okay, now I'm really in."
[Later the boys are at Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet]
Jean Juan Host: "Welcome to Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet. How can I help you?"
Lincoln: "Can I get a table for thirteen? The rest of my party is outside parking."
Jean Juan Host: "Thirteen? That's a lot of people to seat. Why didn't you call ahead?"
Lincoln: [Turns towards the camera hidden in Clyde's tree costume, and sighs] "Does this ever happen to you? Being publicly shamed for trying to dine with a big group."
Jean Juan Host: [Confused] "Why are you talking to that tree?" [Realizes something; suspiciously] "When did we get a tree?"
Lincoln: [Still talking to the camera] "Well, at Lynn's Table, big groups are our specialty, after all, chef Lynn's been cooking for a family of thirteen for years."
Jean Juan Host: "Are you filming?" [Lincoln realizes that she's on to them] "You can't do that in here."
Lincoln: [Hastily] "Cut! Bail Clyde! Bail!" [The duo make a run for the tandem bike, and ride away, the host shaking an angry fist at them] "Nice work buddy, we got what we needed, on to the next location."
[Right at that moment, the bike falls forward]
Clyde: "Sorry, my branches got caught in the spokes."
[At the grand opening]
Lynn Sr.: "Okay team, T-minus five minutes until the grand opening. By the way I ordered too much ginger so really push the Lynn-ger chicken."
[Just then, Lincoln and Clyde walk in with a portable TV]
Lincoln: "Dad, we've got the greatest surprise for you ever; Clyde and I took care of the whole promotion problem, we made you a commercial."
Clyde: [Checking his watch] "And it should be airing, right about now." [Turns the TV on]
Katherine Mulligan: "And in local news; several civilians have reported seeing a alleged... tree monster, riding a bicycle. This is Katherine Mulligan, and I'll have the full story for you, after the break."
[The boys commercial starts with Clyde adjusting the camera onto Lincoln]
Clyde: "Okay rolling."
Lincoln: "Bowling?"
Clyde: "No, rolling."
Lincoln: "Have you ever gone out to eat with a big group and had this happen?"
[Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet]
Jean Juan Host: "That's a lot of people to seat. Why didn't you call ahead?"
Lincoln: "Have you too been..."
Male Voice: "Rejected!"
[Aloha Comrade]
Aloha Comrade Host: "It's going to be at least hour wait."
Male Voice: "Rejected!"
[Giovanni Changs Italian Chinese Bistro]
Giovanni Changs Host: [laughs] "You're kidding, right?"
Male Voice: "Rejected!"
[Bangers and Mosh]
Bangers and Mosh Host: "I can see you in pairs, but one person's gonna have to sit by himself."
Male Voice: "Rejected! Re- Re- Re- Re- Re- Rejected!"
Lincoln: "Well, then come on down to Lynn's Table. [Sets off a confetti popper, but the wind carries the confetti away] Chef Lynn will be sure to take care of your large party." [The wind blows the picture of Lynn Sr. off of Lincoln's hand. Lincoln gets it back.] "After all, when it comes to serving delicious food to big groups, This father of eleven is an expert."
Clyde: [Holds a toy school bus in front of the camera] "Buses welcome."
[Makes bus noises while the end credits play, all crediting Clincoln McLoud. Some special effects and finally and ending screen]
Lincoln and Clyde: "A Clincoln McLoud Production. All rights reserved."
[Commercial Ends]
Lincoln: "So, what'd you think?"
Lynn Sr.: "Uh, I think it was... Fantastic! Talk about showmanship you and Clyde knocked it out of the park. How did you get it on TV?"
Clyde: "You know Patchy Drizzle, the local weatherman? My dad plays racketball with him."
Lynn Sr.: "Thanks Clyde, hey, there's a free appetizer with your name on it."
Clyde: "Yum, well I'd better go home and change into my formal wear for the opening."
[Leaves with the TV]
Lynn Sr.: "Hey, keep an eye out for that tree monster, especially if he offers you candy." [To Lincoln] "Great work son. Did the girls help too?
Lincoln: "Psh, no, they all bailed after we couldn't agree on an idea."
[Meanwhile the girls are all by themselves ranting over what happened]
Lori: [On the phone with Bobby] "Can you believe it Bobby? They all bailed after we couldn't agree on an idea."
Lisa: [Into her tape recorder] "Except me, I came up with-"
Lana: [To Hops] "The perfect idea."
Luna: "A killer promo."
Lola: "A flawless plan."
Lucy: [To Edwin] "All on my own."
Luan: "And, it's totally gonna bring in-"
Leni: "A ton of customers."
Lynn: "Half the town."
Lily: "Poo-poo da-gah."
All ten sisters (minus Lily): "The place is gonna be packed."
[Back at the restaurant]
Lynn Sr.: [Sighs] "Well, no worries son, looks like the grand opening's gonna be smooth sailing."
Act II
[At the grand opening, Lynn Sr. takes one last look at the place, checks the time, and takes a deep breath]
Leni: "If you get a bingo, you win something free!"
Luan: "Ooh, how about a Luan-chovy pizza."
Lori: "Oh oh, chicken catcha-Lori."
Lynn Sr.: "I love those, keep 'em coming."
[Cut to an exterior shot of the house. The camera slowly zooms out as the family continues to list off potential dishes]
Lana: "Lana-cotti."
Lola: "Buffa-Lola chicken wings."
Rita: "Hummus and Rita chips."
Lisa "Liso soup."
Lincoln: "Beef well-Lincoln."
Lucy: "Lu-Caesar salad."
Luna: "Luna casserole."
Leni: "Ooh, I got one: hamburgers."
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