The following is a transcript for the episode "Fandom Pains".
[One dark and stormy night at the Loud House, Lucy and Edwin are getting ready to watch their favorite show.]
Spooky TV Announcer: "You're watching Fright TV, up next, the season premiere of Vampires of Melancholia."
Lucy: "This is it, Edwin. A whole new season of our favorite show, can't wait to watch it, just you and me."
[Just then, Lori and Leni appear out of nowhere.]
Lori: "Hey, Luce."
Leni: "Scoot over."
Lucy: [Frightened, jumps and yelps.] "What are you doing here? 'The Dream Boat' is on Monday nights, remember?"
Lori and Leni: "Duh, we're here to watch VoM!"
Lucy: "First, please don't call it that, second, you guys have never been interested in my show, why are you--?"
[Before she can finish, Lori and Leni climb over her to look at the screen.]
Lori and Leni: "Ah! There he is!"
[On screen, a taxi pulls up in front of the castle, and Blake Bradley comes out.]
Blake/Tristan: "Woah, this place looks sick."
Lori and Leni: [Squealing] "Blake Bradley!"
Lori: [Picks Lucy up.] "Duh, literally the cutest actor ever."
Leni: [Taking Lucy from Lori.] "Didn't you know he was gonna be a new character on VoM?"
Lucy: [Gets herself down.] "Sigh, it's called--"
Blake/Tristan: "Yo! Anybody home?"
Lori: [Sighs] "Why is he literally so dreamy?"
[The show changes scenes from Tristan calling for someone, to Edwin coming out.]
Leni: "Yikes, who's that creepy guy?"
Lucy: "That's Edwin, the main character."
Blake/Tristan: "H-Hey, Uncle Eddie."
Edwin: "Tristan, my great-great-great-great grand nephew, this is a surprise."
Blake/Tristan: "Looking good, are you sure you're really three hundred?"
Edwin: "What brings you to Melancholia?"
Blake/Tristan: "Just thought I'd crash at casa creepy for a while."
Edwin: "Well, I must confess, I'm not really custom to sharing my castle with mortals."
Blake/Tristan: "No worries bro, I can hang with anyone, now bring it in. Bro hug."
[Hugs his great-great-great-great grand uncle, much to Edwin's discomfort.]
Lori: [Sighs] "So gorge."
Leni: "You can just tell, he'd be a great boyfriend."
Lucy: [From underneath Lori and Leni.] "What is happening?"
[Tristan and Edwin walk upstairs, Edwin stops to look at a picture of Griselda.]
Lori: "Wait, who's she?"
Lucy: "Griselda, the other main character, she's on a quest to the underworld right now, if you guys had watched the show from the beginning you'd--"
Leni: [Cutting Lucy off] "Why are her teeth all pointy? Wait, his teeth are pointy too."
Lucy: [Jumps up in between her sisters.] "Because they're vampires."
[Slightly less than an hour later, the end credits are playing.]
Spooky TV Announcer: "Tune in next week, for more Vampires of Melancholia."
Lori: [Sighs] "That was literally amazing."
Leni: "Totes, this is definitely gonna be our new Friday night thing, Lori, me, you and VoM."
[Lori rubs Lucy's hair as she and Leni head upstairs.]
Lucy: "It's "Vampires of Melancholia"! [Sighs, and picks up Edwin] I have to put a stop to this."
[A week later, Lori is marking off the calendar.]
Lori: "How excited are you for tonight's episode?"
[Goes to help Leni with the dishes.]
Leni: "So excited! According to rumors on social media, Tristan's going to turn the dungeon into a gym. Tristan working out, can you even?"
[They sigh dreamily.]
Lucy: [Groans] "Let's hope this works Edwin." [Places him on the table, takes a deep breath, and goes over to Lori and Leni.] "Hey guys, now that we're all, um, 'VoM heads', you have to join me in all of the super fun pre-show rituals."
Lucy: "Yeah, the stuff we fans do to get in to vampire mode, [dramatic pause] you guys are going to love them." [She dawns an evil grin. Later, the bathroom wall is covered with pictures of vampires.] "First, you have to look the part, with a full vampire makeover."
Leni: [Observes the photos] "Eww, do we have to look so sickly?"
Lucy: "Well, it's a really important part of watching the show, but if you're not in to it and you'd just go back to watching "The Dream Boat"."
Lori: "Don't be ridiculous. Come on, Leni. It'll be good contouring practice, [picks up one of the photos] Look how much their cheekbones pop."
Leni: [Gasps] "Good point."
[Lucy growls. Later, just as Leni and Lori are finishing up, Lori gets an idea.]
Lori: "Wait, [runs out of the bathroom, walks back in, scares Leni by wearing fangs, and giggles.] Halloween leftovers!"
[Leni giggles, and Lori shoves a pair into her mouth, then a pair of fangs appear in Lucy's mouth.]
Leni: [Pointing at her teeth, and speaking in a Transylvanian accent.] "Look, I'm Tristan's weird old uncle."
[Lucy covers Edwin's eyes. Later, they're all in the living room.]
Lucy: "Next, you have to see the world from a vampire's perspective."
[Lori and Leni look at each other in confusion, later...]
Lori: "Uh, this is giving me a migraine."
[They are revealed to be hanging upside down like bats.]
Leni: "Yeah, and I'm getting a headache." [Lucy smiles, but it disappears when Leni gasps in excitement.] "Wait, is that my missing jelly sandal under the couch?" [Falls down, landing on her head, and checks under the couch finding her sandal.] "Wahoo!"
Lori: [Joining Leni] "And my missing ring!"
Leni: [Gasps, and reaches under the couch, finding two dolls that looked remarkably like her and Lori.] "And Lucy, I found your creepy dolls!"
Lucy: [Angrily takes the dolls.] "Give me those!"
Leni: "We should def do this every week, we'll never lose anything again."
Lucy: [Face palms herself] "Sigh." [Later that evening] "Next, you have to watch the show as a vampire would, in one of these." [gestures to an array of coffins on the floor, they all get in one.]
Lori: [Holding her sore back] "Uh, this provides zero lumbar support."
Leni: [Holding her sore back] "It's also really hard on your back."
Lori: "I cannot spend a whole hour in this."
[Lucy dawns a fangy smile, but it soon disappears when Leni gets an idea.]
Leni: "Wait, I know, [races off, and soon returns.] decorative throw pillows, they'll add support, [throws the pillows to Lori and on Lucy.] and a little zhuzh."
Lori: "Ooh, and we can use the lid to make a fun TV tray."
[Lucy's jaw drops in disbelief.]
Lucy: "Wait, there's still one more ritual." [Runs off, and returns with a pitcher of homemade blood.] "This is an absolute must, toasting every new episode with a refreshing glass of homemade blood."
Leni: [Horrified, along with Lori.] "Eww!" [Lucy pours Leni a glass.] "I don't know if I can handle this."
[Tries to prevent herself from barfing.]
Lucy: "I get that, it's not easy being a fan of this show, I'll understand if you guys wanna bail."
Lori: "Wait, [runs off, turns on the blender, and returns with new drinks.] beet smoothies! They look just like blood, but now they're delicious and full of antioxidants. Yay!"
[They all toast their cups.]
Lori: "Ooh, ooh, it's starting."
[Kills the lights. The episode begins with Edwin writing a letter to Griselda.]
Edwin: "My darling Griselda, how I wish you were here to help me endure this visit from my boorish nephew, he actually asked me if I was a boxers or briefs man."
[Hears crashing sounds coming from the dungeon, goes to check and is shocked that Tristan turned it into a gym.]
Tristan: [Playing corn hole] "Oh yeah! Yo, Uncle Eddie, wanna play some corn hole."
Edwin: "What happened to my castle?!"
Tristan: "I redecorated it, bro. Put some boom in your gloom, and look, I got you a lid so we can match in the thatch, now how about a selfie with your favorite nephew."
Edwin: "I told you, I don't show up in these."
[Tristan takes the selfie, and looks at it, realizing that.]
Tristan: "Oh right, my bad."
[The episode ends, Lori and Leni dreamily sighing, Lucy growling in annoyance.]
Lori: [rubbing Lucy's hair as she and Leni head upstairs.] "Good times, Luce. Can't wait for next week."
Lucy: [To Edwin, groans] "As long as that fool Tristan is on the show, Lori and Leni are gonna keep ruining it for me." [Thinks of something] "But what if he weren't on the show?"
[The next day Lucy is holding a Morticians Club meeting.]
Lucy: "This emergency meeting of The Young Morticians Club is now called to order. I have a favor to ask, you guys watch Vampires of Melancholia right?"
[The other club members exchange glances.]
Haiku: "Eh, Not since Tristan's been on it."
[The other members stutter in agreement, Lucy is pleased with this.]
Lucy: "How would you like to help me get rid of him?"
[Later, Lucy and the Morticians Club are going door to door with petitions, Lucy knocks on one person's door.]
Lucy: "Hi, I'm collecting signatures to remove Blake Bradley from Vampires of Melancholia. Would you sign?" [Later, she and the other club members meet up to compare progress.] "Okay, pretty good guys, we got forty-five signatures and fifteen pieces of candy from people who thought we were trick-or-treaters."
[Lucy and Haiku smile at each other.]
Lucy and Haiku: "Goth perks."
[Back at the school.]
Lucy: "Okay, did everyone finish their protest letters to the studio?"
Haiku: "Mines a poem. Should we take these to the post office?"
Lucy: "No, that'll take too long, I have a better idea." [The Morticians Club strap their letters to a swarm of bats.] "You know what to do Fangs, [petting her bat] and no biting."
[Haiku opens the window, and the bats fly.]
[That Friday night, Lucy and Edwin are getting ready.]
Lucy: "This is it, Edwin. Time to see if our protests were heard."
Lori and Leni: [Prancing into the living room with their beet smoothies, their vampire faces, and wearing pink t-shirts.] "Who's ready for some VoM?"
Lori: "Check out the shirts we made, 'TEAM TRISTAN'."
Leni: "Don't worry, we made team Edwin shirts for you guys."
[Leni places a black t-shirt on Edwin, and Lori hands the other one to Lucy.]
Lucy: "Oh, uh, thanks."
[Takes the shirt, on the show, Edwin and Tristan are eating dinner.]
Tristan: "Great grub, Uncle Eddie, but you got any garlic for these fries?"
Edwin: "Garlic?! Are you serious?"
Tristan: "Guess that's a neg. Hey, how 'bout we burn off these carbs with a port meal workout?"
Edwin: "What?!" [Suddenly thinks of something] "Or instead of a workout, eh, how about we walk along the misty, slippery, cliffs of Melancholia?"
Leni: "Mmm, cardio, this should be fun."
Lucy: "Yes, it should."
Tristan: "Dude, this mist is like a built in airbrush filter."
Edwin: [Pretending to care] "Careful, Tristan. The cliffs."
Tristan: [Walking backwards with his camera phone.] "It's cool Uncle Eddie, just gotta take this self- [falls off the cliff] iiiiieeeeeeee......!"
[Edwin smiles as Tristan falls to his demise.]
Lori and Leni: [Shocked and upset] "What?! Tristan! No!"
[The two hold each other, teary eyed.]
Lucy: [Pretending to be upset.] "Oh no, not Tristan, the horror."
Leni: [Still sobbing, along with Lori.] "He was so young, and so cute!"
Lori: "How could VoM do this?! Sorry Lucy, I literally can't even deal right now!"
[She and Leni run upstairs, crying.]
Lucy "We did it Edwin, our voices were heard, should we celebrate with some early halloween candy?" [Pulls out two fun-sized candies.]
[A week later, Lucy marks off the calendar.]
Spooky TV Announcer: "And now, an all new episode of Vampires of Melancholia."
Lucy: [Happily sighs] "Blissful solitude at last."
[Lets out another happy sigh as the episode starts. Edwin is eating dinner.]
Edwin: "Why does something feel amiss? No more selfies, or protein shakes, or dreaded bro hugs, and yet I feel a twinge of remorse." [Lucy looks at her bust of Edwin with disbelief.] "Yes, Tristan could be a bit of a fool, and his home gym did ruin my marble floors, but he meant well, after all, he just wanted to spend time with, family, [puts on the hat Tristan gave him.] and I drove him to his demise."
Lucy: "Gasp." [looks at the shirt Lori and Leni made for her.] "And I am a cold, selfish, sister."
[Edwin runs to the cliffs where Tristan fell.]
Edwin: "Tristan! I'm sorry! Forgive me, Tristan!"
[Edwin cries over what he did, followed by Lucy, who wipes the tears off her face.]
Lucy: "Oh, Edwin. I know it's too late to get Tristan back, but maybe it's not too late for my sisters." [Pauses the show and goes to Lori and Leni's bedroom.] "Lori? Leni?" [Sees that they're not there.] "I guess it is too late, I blew it." [Walks over to the stairs.] "Sigh." [Walks down the stairs, and sees the door being unlocked, Lori and Leni walk in with paper grocery bags.]
Lori: [To Leni] "So, Lisa wanted my used tissues and-"
Lucy: "Gasp. Lori, Leni, will you please watch Vampires of Melancholia with me? I know you probably don't want to now that Tristan's gone, the truth is, I just wanna hang out with you guys."
Lori: "Of course we'll watch, Tristan may have been the reason we got into the show, but the reason we stayed is because its been so much fun, sharing it with you."
Leni: "Yeah, in fact, we were just at the store getting vampire themed snacks for tonight." [Reaches into her bag] "I got garlic bread, is that right?"
Lucy: "Well, actually..." [thinks about it] "Never mind, it's perfect. Come on."
[Runs to the TV. Later she three are enjoying their garlic bread, while Edwin eats his dinner, suddenly there is a knock at his door.]
Edwin: "Who could that be? A wandering traveler? A door to door salesman?"
[Opens the door to find, a very pale, Tristan. Lori, Leni, and Lucy's jaws drop in surprise.]
Tristan: "What's up, Uncle Eddie?"
[Tristan hugs his very confused uncle.]
Edwin: "Tristan? You're back, but how?" [Griselda walks in the door.] "Griselda? You're back too?"
Griselda: "We crossed paths in the underworld, bringing him back with me was a snap, well, more of a bite."
[They both show their fangs, revealing that Tristan is now a vampire, too.]
Lori: [In union with Leni] "Yay! Tristan!"
Leni: [In union with Lori] "Yes! Ah!"
Lucy: [To Edwin] "Huh, guess my protest didn't affect the show after all. I'm glad."
Leni: "Am I crazy? Or is Tristan even cuter as a vampire?"
Lucy: "Well, the fangs do help."
[Lori and Leni hug Lucy, who smiles and hugs them back as the episode irises out.]
| v - e - d The Loud House episode transcripts