The following is a transcript for the episode "Friendzy".
[There are brawls breaking out all over the house. A police car pulls up to the house. In the dining room, the siblings are fighting, when suddenly...]
Policeman: "Police! Open up!"
[Hearing a policeman at their door, the siblings immediately stop fighting.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "You're probably wondering, 'What did you guys do now?' Well, to explain, I have to go back a few days."
A FEW DAYS EARLIER
[Flashback. Vanzilla is seen pulling out of the driveway.]
Lincoln: [narrating] "You know us Louds. We're notorious for fighting over everything, which usually leaves us with nothing."
Lynn Sr.: "Okay, we need some tunes for the ride. What should it be?"
Lori: "Love songs!"
Lynn: "The sports station!"
Lisa: "West Coast rap!"
[Realizing they all have differing opinions, the siblings begin arguing with each other, where they begin fighting. Without warning, Rita takes out an air horn, and blares it, making the kids stop fighting, cover their ears, and causing the back window to shatter.]
Rita: "If you kids can't decide, your father and I will decide for you."
[Rita turns the radio on, and some country music begins playing.]
Rita and Lynn Sr.: "YEE-HAW!"
[The kids groan in defeat.]
Lynn Sr.: "Kids! I'm off to the grocery store! Any requests for dinner?"
[Suddenly, the house begins shaking. The siblings begin rushing downstairs, shouting their requests.]
Lincoln: "Chicken nuggets!"
Lori: "Bean chips!"
Luan: "Banana cream pie!"
[Lynn Sr. hollers at the impending chaos.]
Lana: [from upstairs] "Worms! The butcher usually sets some aside for me."
[The siblings begin arguing with each other, and, without warning, Lynn Sr. blares the air horn, which makes the kids stop fighting.]
Lynn Sr.: "If you guys can't decide, I'll decide for ya. Goulash it is!"
[Lynn Sr. twirls around for a second, and exits the house, making the kids groan in defeat.]
[Flashback. The siblings are rushing to the TV. Lincoln hops on top of Lola, Lynn, Luan, and Luna's heads and gets to the couch first. Lincoln grabs the remote.]
Lincoln [sighs] "Time for ARGGH!."
[From behind, Lucy snags the remote, and her sudden appearance makes Lincoln fall over out of panic.]
Lucy: "You mean Vampires of Melancholia."
[From behind, Lana bumps Lucy with her butt, where the remote falls out of her hands, and Lola catches it.]
Lola: "You mean Prison Pageants."
[Suddenly, the kids begin fighting over possession of the remote.]
Luan: "You guys can't be remote-ly serious!" [laughs] "But really, I wanna watch the Circus Channel!"
[The siblings are now arguing with each other, and, without warning, Rita arrives, and blares the air horn, making the kids stop arguing.]
Rita: "Well, if you kids are going to fight, I'll take the remote. Thank you."
[Rita takes the remote from Lola's grip, sits down, and changes the channel to an elderly woman watering a plant.]
Gardening Grandma: "Now we just wait... and watch it grow."
[After that sentence, the woman just stares at the plant while doing nothing. After five seconds of complete silence (with the exception of a tweeting bird), the kids groan in defeat. Cut back to the present scene.]
Lincoln: “But then, I discovered that to get what you want in this family, you don't necessarily have to fight.”
[Cuts to a flashback of Lynn and Margo watch TV together, when Lincoln comes up.]
Lincoln: “Uh, Lynn, I usually watch ARGGH! after school.”
Lynn: “Aw, no problem, Lincoln. Only 6 ½ innings left in this game.”
[Lynn and Margo cheer as Lincoln storms into the dining room, where Rita is working on her novel.]
Lincoln: “Mom, I usually watch ARGGH! after school!”
Rita: “I know, Lincoln, but let Lynn watch her game, okay? She has a friend over.”
Lincoln: [thinking] “A friend, do you say?” [Cuts back to the present time] "I called my discovery 'Playing the Friend Card'. It means Mom and Dad give you special privileges if you have a friend over." [Cuts to Lincoln and Clyde watching ARGGH, when Lori, Leni, and Lucy approach them.] "I'm pretty sure my siblings weren't aware of it, but now I was."
Lori: [Unhappy] "Move it, Lincoln, we're watching the Dream Boat."
Rita: [Just coming out of her room] "Uh, girls, let Lincoln watch ARGGH!, he has a friend over.”
[The girls groan in frustration, as Lincoln slyly smiles. Cuts to Lynn Sr. baking cookies.]
Lynn Sr.: [calling out] "Kids, I'm baking cookies! Who wants to lick the beaters?!"
[A commotion starts to take place and a glass of milk on the counter starts to shake, Lynn Sr. looks worried as Lincoln, Clyde, Lana, Lola and Lisa all rush in wanting to lick said beaters.]
Lola: [pushing Lana aside] "Get out of my way, or I'll find you in your cell after lights out!"
Lana: "Lola, you really gotta stop watching those prison shows."
Lynn Sr.: "Girls. Lincoln has a friend over, let them have the beaters."
[Lincoln and Clyde enjoy the beaters, while Lola, Lana and Lisa look on with suspicion.]
[Cuts to Lincoln and Clyde walking out to the backyard, where Rita is gardening. They're about to grab the badminton rackets, when Lynn and Lana snatch them first.]
Lynn: "Drop it, Stinkoln. We have dibs."
Rita: "Girls, let Lincoln play. He has a friend over."
[Lynn and Lana glare as Lincoln and Clyde grab the rackets while whistling. Later that evening, it's dinner time.]
Lynn Sr.: [Holding a covered tray] "Dinner is served." [Uncovers the tray revealing chicken nuggets.]
Luna: "Chicken nuggets? Bogus dude, I asked for bangers and mash."
Lisa: "And I clearly recall requesting sardines. I'm low on my Omega-3s."
Lynn Sr.: "Well, Lincoln has a friend over so Clyde got to pick tonight's dinner."
[The girls shoot him questioning looks, and then their brother dirty glares.]
Lincoln: [Nonchalantly] "And I suggested chicken nuggets."
Clyde: [Also nonchalantly] "And I said that was a great idea."
[Lincoln smirks at his sisters, who glare at him even dirtier.]
[Cuts to the siblings, except for Lincoln and Lily in Lisa and Lily's room.]
Lisa: "I call this emergency sibling meeting to order. Something stinks in this household, and I'm not referring to our collective chicken nugget breath." [goes into her closet and grabs a white board.] "According to my calculations, there is a direct correlation between the amount of time Clyde has been over, and the number of privileges accrued by Lincoln. Someone who fancies himself a wit might call this "Playing the Friend Card".
[The sisters gasp and start complaining.]
Lola: "I got this! During guard change, I'll sneak up on him in the shower!"
Lisa: "Um, sister, that won't be necessary. I have another plan."
[The next day, Lincoln and Clyde are preparing to watch ARGGH.]
Lincoln: "I can't wait to watch ARGGH."
Clyde: "Me too, I hope Hunter can escape from that haunted porta potty."
[The two see Lola watching TV, and she has a friend too.]
Lola: [Nonchalantly] "You boys wanna join me and Roxanne for Prison Pageants?"
Lincoln: [Gently puts down his net and runs to his parents room.] "Moooooom! Lola's watching TV, but Clyde and I are supposed to be watching ARGGH!"
Rita: "Sorry, honey. Let Lola watch her show, she has a friend over."
Lincoln: "But I have a friend over, too!"
Rita: "True, but Lola got to the TV first."
[Lincoln looks annoyed. Cuts to Luna and Sam playing on their guitars in the dining room, when Lincoln and Clyde come in.]
Lincoln: "We may not get the TV, but at least we can have some cookies."
Luna: [pulls out an empty plate] "All out, brah. Dad said Sam and I had first dibs."
[She smirks and Lincoln glares. Cuts to Lincoln and Clyde walking into the kitchen.]
Lincoln: "We may not have the TV or the cookies, but at least we can choose lunch." [to Lynn Sr.] "Hey Dad, Clyde said he would lover franks and beans today."
Clyde: "Well, Lincoln suggested it, but I agreed."
Lynn Sr.: "Sorry, guys." [holds up two sporks each with two sausages on them.] "Lunch is already made."
Lucy: [Appears behind Lincoln who screams in terror.] "Yeah, my friend Haiku is staying for lunch and requested blood sausage."
Clyde: "Friend? I don't see a-"[notices Haiku behind him and also screams in terror.]
[Lucy smiles at Lincoln, who looks suspicious. Cuts to the two boys walking out to the backyard.]
Lincoln: "Okay, we may not have the TV, or cookies, or the lunch we want, but we can still play badminton."
[But Lori and Whitney are already on the court.]
Lori: [Stopping Lincoln and Clyde] "Sorry Lincoln, Whitney and I have the court." [Gives a stern look right to her brother's face.] "I'm on to you, Buster, and in case you thought you were getting any other privileges today everyone else is on to you, too."
[Lincoln looks confused, but he and Clyde turn around and gasp when they see Lincoln's sisters (minus Lily) and their best friends grinning at them, Lynn Sr. (who is holding Lily) and Rita gasp at this, too.]
Lynn Sr.: "Yikes, that's a lot of kids, you wanna hide at the mall for a few hours?"
Rita: "Do I? It'll be quieter and less crowded."
[They and Lily race off.]
[Cuts back to the present, where Lincoln is observing his frozen sisters. He pokes Luan's face, but she doesn't do anything.]
Lincoln: [shrugs; to the viewers] "My sisters had discovered the Friend Card, but they forgot that Lincoln Loud is the man with the plan. So, I just came up with a way to outsmart them."
[Cuts to another flashback of Lynn and Margo getting ready to watch TV.]
Lynn: [Grabbing the remote] "Woo-Woo! Double header time!"
Lincoln: [Appearing with Clyde] "We'll be watching ARRGH!, thanks."
Lynn: [laughs] "In your dreams. I have a friend over so, uh-"
Lincoln: Yes. "You have one friend over." [It's revealed that Liam is there with them.] "But I have two." [Whispers in Lynn's ear] "And two is greater than one."
[Lynn angrily gives Lincoln the remote as he, Clyde and Liam jump on the couch. Lynn and Margo scream and fall off. Later, the boys are watching ARGGH, when Lynn returns with Margo, and two more of her friends.]
Lynn: "Guess what, Lincoln, I can do math, too, and three is greater than two."
[Takes the remote back, and flips the couch backwards, with Lincoln, Clyde, and Liam still on it, something she and her friends laugh at. Later, Lynn and her friends are watching the game, and eating popcorn, Luna and Sam approach them, and Luna is not happy.]
Luna: [To Lynn] "Hey! Sam and I had dibs on that popcorn."
Lynn: "Gee, sorry Luna." [Continues eating] "But I got three friends over," [swallows, and whispers to Luna.] "and three beats one"
Luna: [Even more surprised at Lynn.] "Dude! I thought we were on the same side!"
Lynn: "Yeah, well Lincoln brought in two friends so I did what I had to do."
Luna: "Well, fine, I can call my friends too." [Storms off to the phone] "Operator, can you help me place this call?"
[Cuts to Leni and Becky playing badminton, when Luna comes up.]
Luna: "Dude, mind if we cut in?"
Leni: "But Becky and I are playing-"
Luna: "Nah, totally dude. I get that. It's just that, you have one friend over, [camera zooms out to reveal three more friends behind her and Sam.] and I have four."
[Leni glares at Luna and gives her badminton racquet to her.]
[Back inside, Lynn and her friends are still watching TV when Leni comes up to them.]
Leni: "Can you please pass the remote, Lynn? It's time for my 'fashion show' show."
Lynn: [imitates a buzzer] "I have three friends over, so I get the TV. Thank you."
Leni: "Three? Oh, that's so cute. I have five. [camera zooms out to show her friends behind her.] Wait... [counts] Yeah, five." [she smiles smugly at Lynn and her friends.]
[Later, Leni and her friends are watching TV when Lori comes up to them.]
Lori: "Excuse me, Leni, my friends and I have to watch our dating advice show."
Leni: "Sorry, Lori. I have five friends over and--"
Lori: "Oh, only five?" [The camera cuts to show she and Whitney are now joined by five additional friends. Leni starts to count them when Lori suddenly pushes her face up to hers.] "I'll save you the trouble-- there are six of them. Remote, please!"
[Leni glares at her. One scene wipe later, Lori and her friends are watching TV when Lisa comes up to her.]
Lisa: "Pardon the intrusion, eldest sibling. But it's time for the congressional hearings."
Lori: "But Lisa--"
[But before Lori can say anything more, the camera zooms out to reveal Lisa is joined by six of her classmates.]
Lisa: "Lucky seven, baby. Count' em!"
[From here on, there is a rapid-fire montage of the sisters each bringing in more friends to outnumber each other's.]
Lola: [accompanied by eight friends, addressing Lisa's group.] "Move it, Lisa! My eight friends and I want to watch Prison Pageants."
Lucy: [accompanied by nine friends, addressing Lola's group.] "Sorry, Lola, but my nine friends and I would like to watch Vampires of Melancholia."
Luna: [accompanied by ten friends, addressing Lucy's group.] "Hit the road, Jack. My ten friends and I have a concert to watch!"
Luan: [accompanied by eleven friends, addressing Luna's group.] "Everyone nose... [points to her red clown nose] ...that 11 is more than 10! And we have a comedy special to watch!"
[At this point, the house is loaded, and the siblings are talking amongst themselves while getting angry.]
Lori: "You guys, this is literally out of control. Lana, did you really have to invite twelve of your muddy friends over?"
Lana: "Don't bark at me, Lincoln invited thirteen randos over from the arcade." [To Lincoln] "I bet you don't even know all their names."
Lincoln: "I do too, there's Jeff, or is it Josh?"
Lisa: "By my calculations," [pulls out her threat level chart] "with this many people in the house, we could be approaching a threat level of, Stampeding T-Rex."
[Suddenly things in the living room start heating up.]
Friend 1: "Hey I was watching that!"
Friend 2: "Too bad!"
Friend 3: "No! Too bad for you!"
Friend 4: "Give me the remote, I wanna watch the sports channel!"
Lisa: "Uh-Oh, make that Erupting Volcano!"
[The siblings look, and see their friends beating each other up.]
Lori: "That's just great, Lincoln. Those complete strangers you invited into our home, just started a fight."
Lincoln: [Still having no clue who he invited into the house.] "Jim would never do that, it was probably Lola's pageant group, they looked vicious."
Lola: [Scoffs] "My money is on Lynn's meat head jock friends."
[Lynn scoffs even harder, and the siblings start arguing, and now they starts beating each other up. Two fights are shown in one house, a police car pulls up, while everyone's still fighting.]
Policeman: [Banging on the door] "Police! Open up!"
[The siblings stop fighting the same way they did at the beginning of the episode.]
Lincoln: [To the viewers] "And now you're caught up."
[Lincoln answers the door to see the policeman standing there.]
Policeman: "Okay, kids, break it up! Party's over."
[The horde of friends leave the house.]
Lori: [calls out] "Wait, Leni!" [exasperated] "You don't leave, you live here."
Leni: [heading back into the house] "Oh, right!"
[Rita, Lynn Sr., and Lily come back home, just as the last kids start to leave.]
Rita: [Setting Lily down on the floor] "What is going on here?! Why are there 65 kids walking out of our house?!"
Policeman: "Are you the parents?"
Policeman: "I'm afraid you've got a two-hundred dollar ticket for noise violation. [He gives Rita the ticket.] Try to keep your kids under control, this is a nice neighborhood."
[He leaves, and Lynn Sr. closes the door.]
Lynn Sr.: [Sternly] "Anyone care to explain?"
Lincoln: [Looks around] "I will, I've got the story down pretty well by now." [Winks to the viewers. Wipes to Lincoln finishing telling the story to their parents] "...and now you're caught up."
Rita: "Well, you guys are going to have to use your allowances to pay for this ticket."
[The kids nod to show that they accept this punishment]
Lynn Sr.: "And I hope you've learned your lesson."
Luan: "Definitely, we're done playing the friend card, in fact, we fold." [Laughs]
Lana: "Guys, from now on why don't we just take turns on choosing what show to watch, and who gets to lick the beaters, and junk?"
Luna: "Pretty sweet idea. We can start with dinner tonight."
Lincoln: "Lori, you're the oldest, why don't you go first?"
Lori: "Ooh, okay. I think we should have-"
Rita: "Um, sorry honey, tonight's dinner has already been set. We’re having goulash." [Awkwardly smiles]
Lucy: "Goulash? Why?"
[The doorbell rings]
Lynn Sr.: "Well," [Awkwardly laughs, opens the door, and his and Rita's friends walk in.] "we're having friends over."
[It's their turn to receive dirty looks.]
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