The following is a transcript for the episode "Funny Business".
[Lincoln is walking outside his house to the tree so he can sit down and read comics.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Ahh, nothing like reading comics on a peaceful summer--"
[A horn is honking and Lincoln screams, startled at the sound; it came from Luan in her clown outfit carrying her birthday props on a unicycle.]
Luan: "Whoa! A little help?" [falls off her unicycle]
Lincoln: [helps her up] "Back from another birthday party?"
Luan: [a bowling pin falls out of her mouth] "Uh, my third gig this weekend. I could really use an assistant. Hey, what about you? You're great with Gary."
[Gary chomps on Lincoln's comic.]
Lincoln: "Hey, stop that! I thought Lucy was helping you."
[Flashback of Luan performing balloon animals at a circus themed birthday party.]
Luan: "And now, if my assistant will just hand me one more balloon, we'll have a pterodactyl."
[As Luan sees an empty corner, Lucy appears behind her with a balloon and startles her, popping the balloon in the process.]
Boy: [To Lucy] "You killed the dinosaur!"
[The kids start booing. A red FIRED sign appears over Lucy's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]
Luan: [Picks up a rubber chicken] "Lucy didn't work out. Neither did Lynn."
[Flashback of Luan juggling fruit while riding on a unicycle at a pirate themed birthday party.]
Luan: "Water you say we add some melon?"
[The kids cheer. Lynn throws a watermelon like a football, but accidentally hits Luan. The kids boo the performance. A red FIRED sign appears over Lynn's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]
Luan: "Or Leni."
[Flashback to another circus themed birthday party.]
Luan: "Why are clowns never bored? ‘Cause we're good at keeping occu-pied." [clears throat] "I said, good at keeping occu-pied."
[Luan looks where Leni is, but there's nothing there but a pie. She turns and sees Leni in the crowd. Luan facepalms at this, walks to the pie and slaps it to her face, making the kids and Leni cheer. A red FIRED sign appears over Leni's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]
Luan: "Or Lisa."
[Flashback to a medieval themed birthday party as Luan does a trumpet fanfare dressed as a jester.]
Luan: "Hey, Birthday Boy. Why don't you take the seat of honor?"
[As the boy sits down, a farting noise from the Whoopee cushion is heard which Luan and the other kids laugh at.]
Lisa: [taking the cake away] "No, no! No one eat that cake! It clearly causes gastrointestinal distress."
[The kids start crying. A red FIRED sign appears over Lisa's Funny Business ID Card and a buzzer sounds. End flashback.]
Lincoln: [sarcastic] "Well, I am so honored to be your fifth choice."
Luan: "Come on, Lincoln. Please? I really need your help."
Lincoln: "I don't know. I´m not really the performing type. I don't want to make a fool of myself on stage."
Luan: "Don't worry. That's my job. All you have to do is help with the props."
Lincoln: "Uh, I don't know think it's for-" [notices Luan holding a slice of cake in a container.] "What's that?"
Luan: "Ah, just birthday cake. I always get sent home with leftovers."
Lincoln: "Oh..." [starts drooling upon seeing the dessert.]
Luan: "Usually I share it with my assistant. But since this job isn't for you--"
Lincoln: [Takes the cake] "When did I say that?"
[Luan smiles, A green HIRED sign appears over Lincoln's Funny Business ID Card and a bell rings.]
[At the first birthday party, like the one Leni got fired after, Luan is setting up the pie joke from earlier.]
Luan: "Why are clowns never bored? Cause we're good at keeping occu-pied."
[Lincoln is about to throw the pie at Luan's face, but loses balance after tripping on a whipped cream can, and lands with a loud crash.]
[The kids are laughing and cheering.]
[Lincoln and Luan are on their way home.]
Lincoln: "That was awesome. The part when I tripped and then the audience laughed, and then clapped? Amazing!"
Luan: "Glad you enjoyed it. Now here, I need you to clean this. Gary pooped in it."
[Lincoln gets grossed out while a green stinky fume comes out of the top hat.]
[At the second birthday party, which is another pirate theme, Luan is juggling fruit while riding on her unicycle.]
Luan: "Water you say we add some melon?"
[The kids cheer. Lincoln appears running on a watermelon.]
Lincoln: [loses balance] "Whoa, nelly!" [falls on it]
[The kids laugh]
[Luna's and Luan's room]
Lincoln: "Man, great crowd, huh?"
Luan: "Yeah, super. So, what was that all about with the watermelon?"
Lincoln: "Well, you know, audiences seem to love it when I fall down so--"
Luan: "Let me worry about the audience. You take care of deodorizing these clown shoes."
[Lincoln exits the room while taking the clown shoes, then sees Lynn and Lana walking.]
Lincoln: "Whoopsy-daisy!" [falls and rolls at a distance while a loud crash is heard.]
[Lynn and Lana laugh at his performance.]
Lincoln: [takes a bow; to the viewers] "See? I do know what audiences like."
[At the third birthday party, like the one Lucy got fired after, Luan is making something with balloons.]
Luan: "And now, if my assistant will hand me one more balloon, we'll have a pterodactyl."
Lincoln: [high-pitched voice while covered in balloons.] "I went a little overboard with the helium. Whoa, good gravy!" [falls back as a loud crash is heard, getting the kids to laugh and cheer.]
[Luan shakes in anger.]
[At the fourth birthday party, Luan juggles plates on her nose and both hands.]
Luan: "What did one plate say to the other? Lunch' is on me."
[She and the kids laugh.]
Lincoln: [holding a stack of plates] "Gadzooks!" [loses balance and lets his plates and Luan's plates fall down and break.]
[The kids crack up.]
Lincoln: "I guess lunch is on me."
[As the kids laugh, Luan gets ticked off at Lincoln.]
Bratty Kid's Mom: [laughing] "He is hilarious!"
Fat Mom: "I know. LOL. I just learned what that means."
[The other moms look at her unimpressed.]
[At the fifth birthday party, which is another medieval theme, Luan does a trumpet fanfare.]
Luan: "All right, Birthday boy. Why don't you take the seat of honor?"
[As Lincoln sits on the seat, the Whoopee cushion's farting noise is heard from under it.]
Lincoln: "Holy macaroni!" [falls back as a loud crash is heard.]
[The kids laugh like always; Lincoln is signing autographs while Luan angrily puts away her clown stuff.]
[while going back home]
Lincoln: "Boy, we are killing it. But I've been thinking, maybe you should do a little less of the talky stuff and more of the pratfalls." [Enraged, Luan then drop all of her supplies and turns to Lincoln, he's shocked.]
Luan: "Are you kidding me?!"
Luan: "Look, Lincoln. Just because you got a few laughs does not make you an expert on clowning. There's a lot more to it than just falling on your butt."
Lincoln: "Well, the audience sure seems to like my--"
Luan: "Lincoln, enough! No more pratfalls. I am the clown. You are the assistant. Now go refill these whoopee cushions."
Lincoln: "But they're already inflated."
[Luan deflates them at her brother's face.]
Luan: [frustrated] "Not anymore!"
[Luan walks to the house, opens the door then slams it.]
Lincoln: "Oh, yeah?! Well, that would've been funnier if you'd fallen on your butt!"
[At Luna and Luan's room, Lincoln is refilling the whoopee cushions.]
Lincoln: "How dare she speak to me like that!" [inflates a whoopee cushion] "After everything I've done for this business?" [inflates another] "You'd think she'd have a little more--"
Lincoln: [answers it] "Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business. Lincoln speaking."
Woman on the phone: [chatters]
Lincoln: "Yes, we're available the 11th."
Woman on the phone: [chatters]
Woman on the phone: [chatters]
Lincoln: "Oh, really?"
Woman on the phone: [chatters]
Lincoln: "Great. See you the 11th."
[Luan walks into her room.]
Luan: "Who did we just book?"
Lincoln: "Actually, the correct question would be, who did I just book?"
Lisa: [calling from her and Lily's room] "You're both wrong! It's 'whom'!" [slams her door]
Lincoln: "They only wanted me."
Luan: "Yeah, right."
Lincoln: "It's true. You may not recognize my talent, but apparently the birthday party community does."
Luan: "So, what are you gonna do for your act? Fall on your butt for an hour?"
Lincoln: "That's exactly what I'm going to do, cause the audiences love it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on my padded underwear."
[Luan gets angry, kicks the glass case and it shatters. Gary hops down and eats some cake.]
[At the sixth and last birthday party]
Lincoln: "So, how old is the birthday girl? Four? Five?"
Maggie's Mom: "Thirteen."
[It's revealed that the birthday party is full of emo tweens. One of them hits a pinata and hugs it immediately.]
Lincoln: "Oh. A little older than usual crowd, but no problem. My comedy is ageless."
[The next scene, Lincoln throws a banana peel on stage.]
Lincoln: "Hey, guys! Who's ready to laugh?" [slips on a banana peel] "Whoopsie doodle! Now who put this here?"
Maggie: "Um, you did, obviously."
Lincoln: [shakes his head and holds up gag glasses.] "Maybe these glasses will help me see better!" [puts on the glasses and the eyes pop out and falls onto Maggie's poster.] "Eye-a-watha!" [gets back up and takes off the glasses.] "I really gotta get my prescription checked."
Maggie: "Mom, look what that loser clown did to my poster."
[Lincoln takes the poster off of him. The emos get their phones out and text.]
Lincoln: "Oh, look at that! I have a message, too! Mom, didn't I tell you not to text me at..." [falls on the table as the cake flies into the air.] "Whoa!" [the cake lands on him.] "Remember, guys. Never walk and text!"
Tween #1: "Ugh, now he's gonna lecture us?"
Maggie: [scowls] "He ruined my cake! Mom, why did you hire him? I swear, if I had a door around me, I would slam it so hard right now!"
Lincoln: "Um, excuse me, everyone. There will now be a brief, unscheduled intermission. Text amongst yourselves!"
[Lincoln runs off stage but is stopped by Maggie's Mom.]
Maggie's Mom: "Where are you going? I paid you to perform for an hour."
Lincoln: "But I'm doing my best material, and they hate me."
Maggie's Mom: "Well, try something else. You're a professional clown, aren't you?"
[Lincoln looks over at the other parents.]
Dad #1: "Remind me not to book Funny Business, Inc. for my kid's birthday."
Fat Mom: "Me neither."
Bratty Kid's Mom: "Oh, me neither. I don't want my kid to hate me."
Lincoln: "Sorry, gotta run to the little clown's room."
[Lincoln runs inside a photo booth to call Luan with his phone.]
Luan: "Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business!"
Luan: [makes static noises] "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. My clown car's going through a tunnel."
[As Luan hangs up the phone, it rings again and she answers again.]
Lincoln: "Luan, it's me."
Luan: "I know. That's why I hung up."
[She hangs up the phone again, but it rings once again and she answers once more. She looks irritated.]
Luan: "This is a business line, Lincoln! What do you want?"
Lincoln: "Luan, I'm bombing out here. You gotta help me, please!"
Luan: [sarcastic] "Oh! How could I possibly help you? You're the clowning expert."
Lincoln: "No, I'm not. You are. You told me there's a lot more to clowning than just falling on your butt, and you were right. Will you please come help me?"
Luan: "I don't know, Lincoln. Maybe bombing would be a good learning experience for you."
Lincoln: "Well, there's one other thing. I think I'm ruining the reputation of Funny Business, Inc. These parents are brutal!"
Luan: "Don't move! I'll be right there." [hangs up and puts on her helmet, which produces a bizarre squishing sound, meaning only one thing.] "Ugh, Gary!"
[Gary nervously blushes]
[As Lincoln is still in the photo booth looking nervous, Luan appears on her unicycle.]
Lincoln: "Luan! Wait, how did you know I was in here?"
Luan: [holds out some photos of Lincoln from the photo booth. Most show Lincoln looking freaked out. Only one he posed for.] "Well, this was a pretty good clue."
Lincoln: "Oh! So, what's the plan?"
Luan: "Okay, let's see what we've got here."[observes the crowd] "Hmm, Emo tweens. Notoriously tough crowd. But, don't worry, this isn't my first mope fest."
[The next scene, Luan is seen on stage dressed as a mime and pretends to be trapped inside a box.]
Maggie: "Oh, I get it. She's, like, trapped in a box. That's exactly how I felt when my mom said I couldn't dye my hair purple."
[Lincoln, who is also dressed as a mime, looks from backstage and smiles while Luan pretends to climb a ladder.]
Tween #1: "Wow. It's like the soul crushing pointlessness of seventh grade."
[Luan goes backstage to get Lincoln, who is feeling nervous.]
Luan: "You ready to do this?"
Lincoln: [nervously] "I don't know."
Luan: "You'll be fine. Just follow my lead."
[Both Lincoln and Luan walk onstage and do a mirror routine.]
Maggie: "Wow! It's about how we're all just, like, clones."
Tween #2: "That's what I was gonna say."
[Lincoln and Luan finish their routine and the goth kids slowly give an applause.]
Dad #1: "I have to get their business card."
[The other parents murmur in agreement.]
Bratty Kid's Mom: "Well, I call the weekend of the 22nd."
[The goth kids start cheering and a single black rose is tossed onto stage as Luan picks it up.]
[Later, Lincoln and Luan are heading home with their props and costumes; Luan is riding her unicycle.]
Lincoln: "Thanks for saving my butt. You were amazing out there. And I'm sorry for the way I was acting."
Luan: "It's okay. I remember how great it was to get my first big laugh. I shouldn't have been so harsh. Still my assistant?"
Lincoln: "Still your assistant. Let me get those for you." [accidentally rips the bag and slips on the spilled whoopee cushions.] "Whoa!"
[Lincoln lands on them, which all make farting sounds.]
Luan: [chuckles] "You know, that actually was kind of funny. Here, let me help..." [Her unicycle slips on another whoopee cushion, sending her flying.] "Whoa, good gravy!" [lands on the whoopee cushions and Lincoln and they laugh.] "Hiawatha!"
[The two siblings do pratfalls as they land on the whoopee cushions and laugh again.]
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