The following is a transcript for the episode "How Double Dare You!".
[It's night time in the Loud house. The kids are cheering in the living room watching TV.]
Lincoln: "Come on Lis, put that stuff down and watch Double Dare with us."
[Lisa is working with her chemistry set.]
Lisa: "Are you kidding?! I'm about to split an atom here!"
Marc Summers: [On the TV] "Okay, here's your first question." [Shows the TV, four kids are participating on 'Double Dare'.] "Which element on the periodic table is represented by the number one? Is it hydrogen? Helium? Or firstium?"
Lisa: "Hydrogen, duh. Who in their right mind would guess 'Firstium'?"
Lynn: "No talking if you're not watching!"
Marc Summers: "Oh, hold on slime lovers, Double Dare is hitting the road! And we're coming to your town, so get ready..." [Reads from card] "Royal Woods, Michigan!"
[The kids are excited, Luna faints, Lola is heard saying "Why?"]
Lincoln: "Guys, we have to go on the show. This is our chance to get slimed!"
Lana: "I'll slime ya!" [Picks a booger out of her nose.]
Lucy: "But there are only two players on each team! Who do we pick?"
Lynn: "One of them has to be Lisa. She always knows the smart junk."
Marc Summers: [On TV] "Pick it!" [TV shows red team member picking a nose, but getting slimed] "Oh! There you go."
Lisa: "Pssh. I have no interest in such childish buffoonery."
Marc Summers: "Hey, did I mention, we have some great new prizes." [Prizes are shown as he says them.] "Flashy sneakers, deluxe vanity stations, and..."
[A space capsule.]
Marc Summers: [In unison] "A Galactic Labs space capsule!"
Lisa: [In unison] "A Galactic Labs space capsule?" [Chemical explodes in her face; out of unison.] "I've changed my position." [Coughs] "We must compete on this show!"
[The kids cheer once again.]
Lola: "Well, the other spot should go to me. I look the best on television."
Lynn: "Spot should go to me! I squat two-fifty."
Luna: "It should go to me I'm a rockstar!"
[The kids excitedly approach Lisa with one question...]
Other siblings: "What about me?"
Lisa: "Eh-eh-eh. If we're gonna win this thing, I'll need to pick the teammate with the best overall stats relevant to Double Dare. Hmm... Time to devise some tests."
[Later the other siblings are all in the backyard, exercising, Lynn is using Lola as a dumbbell.]
Lola: "Stop squatting me!"
Lisa: "Okay, okay people! Now, thank you for participating in this exercise. I've taken it upon myself to build a robot, to help me assess your Double Dare potential." [Produces a remote, hits a button.] "I give you... DareBot." [DareBot is initially a large shadow which looms over the other siblings, all of whom but Leni back away. Lisa has to pull Leni herself. DareBot lands.] "Now first, we'll test your ability to keep calm under pressure, with an exercise I call 'Think or Swim'".
[Later, all of Lisa's siblings are wearing their swimsuits, and standing on an elevated board.]
Lisa: "Okay, participants, now I'm going to ask a series of simple rapid-fire questions." [Shows the siblings standing over a large pool.] "If you stumble of answer incorrectly, it's into the dunk tank, and out of the running."
Lynn: "Cannonball!" [She cannonballs into the pool.] "Did I win? That splash was dope!"
Lisa: [Imitates buzzer] "Disqualified. Ability to follow instructions is paramount. Okay, first question. Luna? What's Father's middle initial?"
Luna: "Uh... um..."
Lisa: [Imitates buzzer] "Too slow." [DareBot presses a button, dunking Luna.] "Lincoln, same question."
Lincoln: "Uh, 'L'."
Lisa: "Correct! Lucy, what is the 12th letter of the alphabet?"
Lucy: [Counts on her fingers] "A, B, C, D..."
Lisa: [Imitates buzzer] "Too late." [And there goes Lucy.] "Lori, Roman numeral for 50."
Lori: "Eh... um..."
Lisa: "Lily, mass of Jupiter!" [Lily babbles, and gets dunked] "Lola?"
Lola: "I'm bored."
[Jumps into the pool herself. Lisa sighs.]
Lisa: "Tsk-tsk. Only four left... DareBot, you know what this means."
DareBot: "Yes." [Shows its point of view.] "I'll dispose of the losers."
[The dunked siblings are don't like where this is going, as DareBot charges up its laser.]
Lisa: [Smacks it.] "No, no no no! I meant these four will move on to the next round!" [Exhales] "Criminy..."
[Later, they are back in the house.]
Lisa: "We are now going to test an ability crucial to Double Dare victory. Spotting hidden flags."
Mr. Coconuts: "Eh! This coming with the gal who wears glasses! How eyeronic!"
Lisa: "Insulting the team captain? Instant disqualification. DareBot?"
[DareBot charges its laser again, Luan runs off in fright.]
Luan: "It wasn't me! It was Mr. Coconuts!" [DareBot fires, scorched Mr. Coconuts lands.] "No fair!"
Lisa: "Alright participants, now I've buried a flag somewhere inside the couch, you have twenty seconds to find it." [Gets her stopwatch ready.] "And... go."
[Lincoln, Leni, and Lana race to the couch and fight for the flag]
Lincoln: "Found it!"
Leni: "Lincoln, that's an old pizza slice."
Lana: [Starts panting like a dog, takes a bite.] "Mmm, pepperoni and sock lint."
Lisa: "Another disqualification, for pure revulsion."
Lana: "Worth it!" [Belches]
Lisa: "Keep looking people!"
[Leni and Lincoln keep looking.]
Leni: "It's somewhere here."
[Just then, Geo rolls away with the flag.]
Lisa: [Sighs] "Geo for the win. Let's move on."
Lisa: "Okay participants, as you know physical challenges require speed and agility, so for the last test it's simple; whoever can catch Charles wins."
[DareBot is holding Charles.]
Lincoln: "That's gonna be easy."
Lisa: "Not if he's covered in non-stick vegetable shortening." [DareBot proceeds to dip Charles in shortening. Charles doesn't hate it.] "Laser please."
DareBot: [Gets a laser pointer attachment ready.] "Commencing puppy playtime."
[Charles chases the laser, while Lincoln and Leni chase him.]
Lincoln: "Get him!" [They keep chasing Charles while Lisa takes notes, but eventually slip in the shortening.] "How'd we do?"
Lisa: "I need to assess your scores." [Charles lands on her.] "And my bruises."
[Lisa is in her room, making the assessments.]
Lisa: "Who am I gonna pick? These rubes are hopeless, they probably don't even know who discovered radium."
DareBot: [As he washes Charles] "Marie Curie, born eighteen-sixty-seven in Warsaw, Poland." [Finishes with Charles] "Your dog is dry."
[Puts a bow on a very cross Charles.]
Lisa: "By Tesla's coils, I've got an idea."
[Everyone's gathered downstairs.]
Lisa: "Thank you for trying out, and after reviewing the data, I've decided the most agile, quick-thinking, personable, qualified teammate is..." [Lincoln confidently stands up.] "DareBot." [The other siblings feel so ripped off.] "Yeah, none of you mere humans hold a candle to mere DareBot's knowledge and physical skills and... I wanna win that spaceship."
DareBot: "Winners high-five."
Lynn: "Get scrapped, dumb-bot!" [DareBot hits Lynn using a spring-loaded glove, sending her off-screen.] "Ahh!"
DareBot: "Anybody else have something to say?"
Lisa's Siblings: "Nope."
[Time for 'Double Dare'.]
Announcer: "Take your places, please. Contestants, take your places."
Lisa: "Oh, thank goodness for step ladders." [Lincoln and Leni appear.] "Well, this is a surprise. I didn't expect you'd still want to cheer me on under the circumstances."
Lincoln: "Cheer you on? Ha! We're here to beat you!"
Leni: "And they're here to cheer us on!"
[The other siblings are in the audience cheering for Lincoln and Leni, and not DareBot.]
Lisa: "You both performed passably in tryouts, but quite frankly you don't stand a chance against myself and DareBot."
DareBot: "Agreed. Your human brains are a joke."
Leni: "Oh yeah? Well, you would look terrible in a crop top!"
DareBot: "Gasp! That stings." [Teardrop blinker]
Marc Summers: "On your mark," [Lincoln and DareBot are wearing antlers.] "get set," [Leni and Lisa have their rings.] "go!" [Leni tries to throw rings onto Lincoln's antlers.] "Today on Double Dare, it's Louds versus Louds. Now, remember teams, whoever hooks more antlers, wins control of the round." [Leni and Lincoln struggle with this one.] "Blue team's not looking too good, it's not that easy." [Lisa casually picks up a number of rings.] "Red team's playing it real cool and-" [Lisa throws all her rings at once and DareBot catches them all.] "Woah! Ring-a-ding-ding! Red team wins control of round one."
Lisa: [Hugs DareBot] "We got this!" [Victory dance] "Go DareBot! Go DareBot!" [Marc Summers backs away.]
DareBot: "Oh yeah! Get used to seeing this."
[On to the questions round.]
Marc Summers: "Ok, we're back. Antlers are off and thinking caps are on. Red team, Here we go. Which of these is not part of an atom? Protons? Neutrons? Or Jumbotrons?"
Lisa: "Jumbotrons, obviously. And may I say your attempts at humor are quite juvenile."
Marc Summers: "Hey, I only ask the questions, ma'am. I don't write 'em. Ok, next question. Which of these sports is not played with cleats? Baseball? Soccer? Or Croquet?"
Lisa: "Ahh, sports, my Achilles' heel. Good thing I have you, DareBot."
DareBot: "You neglected to program me with sports trivia in favor of sarcasm and sauciness. I suggest we dare."
Lisa: [Groans] "Dare."
Marc Summers: "Oh, dare it is. Blue team?"
Leni: "A shoe question? I know the answer, I know the answer!"
Lincoln: "Wait! They don't know the answer. Let's double dare them and put them on the spot."
Lincoln & Leni: "Double Dare!"
Marc Summers: "Ooh, the suspense. Red team, will you take the question or the physical challenge?"
Lisa: "It appears my hand's been forced. We'll take the physical challenge."
Marc Summers: "Ok. It's a physical challenge for red team. In the hammerheads challenge, contestants must use their noggins to break a dozen eggs. Sounds simple? Well, not with a vibrating table!"
Lisa: "Disposing of a few eggs should be no problem for Darebot."
Marc Summers: "On your mark, get set, go!"
DareBot: "No egg is safe from DareBot. DareBot smash!"
Lisa: "Ha! We got this!" [DareBot begins to smash the eggs. Yolk hits Lisa in the face, while some yolk gets into DareBot's circuits and starts shorting him out.] "DareBot, what's happening? I programmed you better than this!"
DareBot: "You opted for wit over waterproofing. And that's no yolk."
Lisa: [Gets to work on DareBot.] "Well I better rewire your-"
[DareBot falls down.]
Marc Summers: "Aww, looks like you're a few eggs short of an omelette. Which means the points go to the blue team!"
[Lisa groans in frustration.]
[Back to the questions round.]
Marc Summers: "After one heck of a round, blue team's behind by two-hundred points, but they do have control of the game, let's see if they can catch up. Blue team, what famous export originated from the town of Nîmes, France?"
Leni: "Oh, that's easy, it's denim, which derives from the French Sergé de Nîmes."
Marc Summers: "Woah, you got it. Blue team gets the points."
Lisa: [Amazed] "A geographical question with an international economic twist, I didn't know she had it in her."
Marc Summers: "And the game is tied. And you know what that means? It all comes down to the obstacle course!"
[At the obstacle course.]
Marc Summers: "And we’re back! The first team to complete the obstacle course, with the most flags, is out winner, and gets to pick from our incredible grand prizes! Teams, on your mark… get set… go!"
[They set off, DareBot initially going the wrong way, but he corrects himself. Lisa and DareBot arrive at ‘Blue Plate Special’ just as Lincoln and Leni are looking through the giant pancakes.]
DareBot: "Based on statistical probability of past episodes, the flag is most likely under the-" [Short-circuits]
Lisa: "Come on! Under the, what!” [Pounds on him]
DareBot: "The second pancake."
Lisa: [Looks there] "Gah! It’s not here DareBot!"
DareBot: "Does not compute! Pancakes! Marie Curie! Poland! Poland! Poland!" [Shuts down]
Lincoln: [Finds the flag] "Got it!"
Marc Summers: "Blue team is on the move!"
Lisa: "Look alive, DareBot!"
[They chase after Lincoln and Leni, who are already at ‘Pick It’, Leni digging through the giant nose.]
Leni: "I can’t find the flag."
[Lisa and DareBot arrive, DareBot rolls right past.]
Lisa: "DareBot, come on, this way."
[DareBot returns and starts digging.]
Marc Summers: "Come on guys, get the flag! Get that flag!"
DareBot: [Finds the flag] "Success!"
Lisa: "That a boy, DareBot." [DareBot’s arm falls of, Lisa picks it up.] "Victory is still within our grasp."
[They take off…]
Lincoln: "Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!"
[...followed by Leni and Lincoln.]
Marc Summers: "Red team is in the lead." [Leni and Lincoln outrun them.] "And they lost it. Next up is a scenic ride through 'Lake Gelatin'." [Lincoln gets in the canoe and start paddling just as Lisa and DareBot arrive.] "Oh! You missed it by that much red team."
Lisa: "Well there’s more than one way to cross a lake of gelatin." [Throws DareBot in and hops on.] "Come on, baby!” [Fixes DareBot’s wiring]
Marc Summers: "That is some inventive thinking."
DareBot: [Now a motorboat] "I was not built for this."
Marc Summers: "Red team is catching up." [Lisa and Lincoln see the flag, they both reach out for it, and end up ripping it in half.] "The teams are still tied! Whoever reaches the flag on top of Mt. St. Double Dare first, wins!" [DareBot is down for the count. Leni, Lincoln, and Lisa climb up the mountain until Lincoln slips in the slime and falls.] "Be careful, watch your step." [It’s down to the girls now, they climb with everything they’ve got. Leni looks at Lisa, she slips but gets back up, Leni lets out a battle cry and gives it her all. Mesmerized.] "I love this game."
[Leni wins the flag and lets out a cry as everyone cheers for her.]
Audience: "Leni! Leni! Leni!"
[Lisa, having dropped gets up, wipes the slime off her goggles, and sighs, defeated.]
[Later, Lincoln and Leni are doing a handshake when Lisa approaches them.]
Lisa: "Siblings, congrats on your win, I realize now that I underestimated your abilities, I’m sorry."
Lincoln: "No worries, we know you really wanted that space capsule."
Lisa: "Yeah, but I should have stuck by my family."
[All three hug.]
Marc Summers: [Walks up] "You know I hate to break this up but Lincoln and Leni, it’s time to pick out your prize from our incredible list of flashy new prizes."
Leni: "No need Marv, I know what we should pick."
[Later, the three are looking at the space capsule.]
Lisa: "Gads, don’t tell me you two have a budding interest in rocket science."
Leni: "No silly, it’s for you."
Lisa: "But, I was so..."
Lincoln: "It’s okay, I just wanted to meet Marc Summers."
Leni: "And I’m using the show to improve my brand as a preteen influencer."
Lisa: [Touched] "Awe, you guys are the best."
[Without any more words, Marc Summers pulls a giant lever, and Lana opens her mouth as she and all the Loud kids get slimed.]