The following is a transcript for the episode "Insta-gran".
[A car pulls up into the Loud House.]
Loud kids: [looking through the dining room window] "They're here!"
[They run to the door and Lincoln falls down by his sisters.]
Lincoln: [To the viewers] It's a big night at the Loud House. Pop-Pop's coming to dinner and he's bringing a very special guest!
[Doorbell rings, the sisters open it, and Lincoln steps up.]
Pop-Pop: Hey, family, I'd like you all to meet my main squeeze, [brings his said squeeze to the doorway] Myrtle.
Rita: "Nice to meet you, Myrtle! Let me introduce everyone."
Myrtle: Oh, no need. Let's see if I have this right: Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, Lola, Lisa and Lily.
[Lily laughs, while her siblings are just stunned.]
Lynn Sr.: [Amazed] Wow, in birth order! That's impressive.
Myrtle: Well, what's impressive is raising such delightful children. Albert, can you take my coat?
[The family gives a thumbs up, Pop-Pop winks. Later, they're all eating at the dinner table.]
Myrtle: Lynn, your food is just heavenly!
Lynn Sr.: Oh, you're sweet to say that.
Myrtle: Not as sweet as this corn! [winks in Luan's direction]
Luan: [Laughs at the pun, but then becomes slightly despondent.] I can't have any, because I have braces.
Myrtle: Well, the world better brace itself for your pretty smile.
[She and Luan laughs.]
Myrtle: Oh, Lynn Jr., are those your trophies? Pop-Pop said you were named MVP on six different teams!
Lynn: Well, technically seven but they don't recognize air hockey yet.
Lisa: Has my paternal forebearer familiarized you with my achievements?
Myrtle: Oh, you bet. He told me all about your fecal research. Impressive stuff.
Lisa: Would you like to see some slides?
Rita: Maybe after dinner, sweetie.
[Later, in the living room Lincoln is showing Myrtle his Ace Savvy comic.]
Lincoln: So this is Ace Savvy, and here's his partner, One-Eyed Jack.
Myrtle: Card puns? How clever!
[Albert comes in the room, with Lynn Sr. and Rita.]
Pop-Pop: Sorry to break up the fun, but Myrtle and I should get going.
Loud Kids: Aww!
Myrtle: I'm sorry I didn't get to sample your mud pies, Lana.
Lana: It's OK, made you one for the road. [Gives them to Myrtle] Don't forget to heat before serving.
Myrtle: Thank you for everything. Oh, it was so wonderful meeting you all.
[Kids say goodbye.]
Lori: Come back soon.
Myrtle: [Laughs.] I might just take you up on that.
Pop-Pop: Isn't she great? Good thing I stole her away from Seymour. [With a slightly hostile tone] That hound dog had his eye on her.
Myrtle: Yeah, his left one. Buh-bye!
[Parents laugh, and the siblings talk about how they loved Myrtle.]
Lisa: Myrtle, wait! My fecal slides!
[Trips on the stairs, dropping her fecal slides, much to the horror of her family, except for Lana, who was at the bottom of the stairs.]
Siblings and Parents: AAAH!
[Cuts to the outside of the house, where a loud crash is heard.]
[The next day, the siblings are coming home from school and are surprised to find Myrtle vacuuming the living room.]
Myrtle: Oh, hi fam! I found your hide-a-key!
Luna: [Confused] Uh, wasn't it under the thorn bushes?
Myrtle: Also, I found your bandages. [Shows her arms, which are very scratched up.] couldn't wait to get back over here and spend some more time with my 11 new grandkids. Speaking of which, surprise! I made these with my glue gun.
[Pulls out a homemade sweater.]
Lisa: [reading sweater] "Life is sweeter with a Gran-Gran"? Was your room well-ventilated when you worked with this glue?
Myrtle: I was thinking that maybe you kids could call me Gran-Gran! Why don't you try 'em on? [Later, all the kids are wearing the sweaters, much to their displeasure.] Aw, you look so cute! Now come on, I have even more surprises!
[Lucy opens up her room, and sees that Myrtle colored it in her least favorite color: pink.]
Lucy: [hisses] What have you done with my cobwebs?
Myrtle: Oh, sweetie. I tore them all down because they had spiders in them!
Lucy: Yes, Elijah, Amaria, and Little Jojo. May they rest in peace.
[Lays down on her bed.]
Lynn: Uh, where are my lucky jerseys? They should be in a big messy pile right here.
Myrtle: I took 'em to the dry cleaners. They got every last stain out.
Lynn: Oh, so everything that made them lucky.
Myrtle: Well, who needs luck when you have talent like yours?
[Later, Lisa is holding a conference call with some fellow scientists.]
Lisa: In conclusion, I have identified the necessary isotope for the-
[Gets cut off by Myrtle.]
Myrtle: Oh, you're talking to your little science friends? Hi, I'm Lisa's Gran-Gran.
Lisa: Yes. We're in the middle of something important right now, perhaps you could excuse us?
Myrtle: Oh, you know what, you just do your thing like I'm not even here, and I'll just be tidying up!
Lisa: [growing nervous] I prefer you don't!
Myrtle: Ooh, these beakers are full of gunk!
Lisa: NO, WAIT! [explodes, crowd gasps]
[Later, Myrtle is giving Lincoln a haircut in the bathroom.]
Lincoln: I usually have a barber do this.
Myrtle: Well, why pay a stranger when you've got a Gran-Gran? There, [Lincoln comes out of the bathroom with a bowl cut, similar to Liam's.] You look so handsome!
Luan: That haircut really bowls me over.
[Later, in the twins' room.]
Myrtle: Spit shine! [Licks her thumbs, and 'cleans' the twins' faces.] Ah, there. No mud, no make-up, just sparkling faces that I could eat right now with some steak sauce. Om-nom-nom-nom.
[Once Myrtle leaves the room, Lola powder puffs herself, and Lana mud pies herself. Later, in the living room.]
Lori: Um, what happened to our episodes of "Nail Polish Wars"?
[Myrtle pops up behind them, Lori and Leni scream.]
Myrtle: Oh, I deleted those. Yeah, see, the language is just so negative.
[Leni and Lori facepalm. Later, Myrtle is in her car.]
Myrtle: Adios, grandbabies! See you real soon! [Drives away]
Lucy: That woman is a nightmare.
Lynn: No way I'm calling her Gran-Gran.
Lola: It gets worse! Look, she left her day planner.
Lynn: [Gasps in shock] She's coming to all my games for the rest of the season?!
Lisa: My conference in Sweden?! How did she get clearance?!
Lori: She's coming on my next date with Bobby?!
Lincoln: We have to do something. We can't live like this!
Luna: [Pulls out a ski mask] You especially can't, brah. [Lincoln puts the mask on.]
Lola: Well, there is one thing we could do: Break them up.
Leni: That's terrible!
Luan: Is it though? I mean, Pop-Pop is such an awesome guy! Should he really settle for someone like Myrtle?
Lisa: She has a point.
Lori: Well, even if we wanted to do that, how would we?
Lincoln: I might have an idea. Remember when Pop-Pop said that Seymour had his eye on Myrtle?
Lana: Yeah, the left one.
Lincoln: Maybe that's our answer!
[Scene changes to Sunset Canyon Retirement Home, Luan walks up to the pool with a drink tray where Seymour is swimming.]
Luan: I made this whole pitcher of lemonade for my grandpa, but he's got acid reflux. What ever shall I do with it?
Seymour: Ooh! I'll take a glass!
Luan: Here you are, Mr. Seymour, sir!
Seymour: [Drinks the whole thing] Ooh, tart! [makes a face, Lana takes a photo and winks. Later, Lori is dressed up as an old lady in the dining room.]
Lori: [Old lady voice] Oh, my soup's literally too hot! How am I ever going to eat it?
Myrtle: Oh, let me help, dear. [Blows on soup, and Lucy takes a photo. Later, the siblings are in Vanzilla, on the computer, working on the photo.]
Lincoln: And now to make a love connection. [Places the photos of Seymour and Myrtle into a romantic background, and moves them closer until they appear to be kissing.] Bingo.
Leni: Um, Lincoln, Bingo's not 'till 4:00.
Luna: Rad job, dude. That's gonna make Pop-Pop way jealous!
Lola: I bet he breaks it off with her tonight.
Lincoln: [Prints the photo] OK, Lynn, you're up.
[Lincoln hands Lynn, who is wearing a ninja suit, the photo. She slips it into an envelope, and back flips her way to the retirement home, she later emerges from behind the ceiling tiles, slips down a rope, throws the envelope under the door, and retreats.]
Lana: [Impatient] Man, what's taking Lynn so long?
Lynn: [Pops up] Hi! [her siblings scream in surprise] Mission accomplished.
Lori: OK. Let's get out of here before anyone sees us.
[They all look towards someone tapping on the windshield.]
Myrtle: Too late! I see you!
Siblings: [In surprise] AAH!
Myrtle: [Brings out a cake] Oh, you angels came for my birthday party, didn't you?
[Siblings pretend that's why they came.]
[At the party]
Myrtle: Well, here we are, Party Central! As soon as your Pop-Pop gets here, we can get this shindig started.
Lincoln: [Looks around] Shouldn't we wait for the other guests, too?
Myrtle: [Despondent] Oh, no other guests.
Luan: [Sympathetically] What about your family?
Myrtle: Well, I don't really have any. I was an only child and somehow, I never got around to getting hitched. I was just too busy traveling and living my life. And to be honest, I never really missed having a family, until I met Pop-Pop and you guys, and, well, I know you're not my real family, but gosh darn, you all sure feel like it.
Lori: [Hastily] Um, Myrtle, can you excuse us for a second? We, um, all have to go to the bathroom.
Myrtle: [Winking] You take after your Pop-Pop.
Lola: [Aggravated] OK, what gives, Lori? I don't have to tinkle!
Lori: Don't you guys get it? This is why Myrtle's been smothering us so much. She never had a family of her own. She's probably just trying to make up for lost time! Yes, she can come on a little strong, but her heart's in the right place.
Lucy: I feel terrible.
Lana: Me too.
Luan: We should go apologize.
Lincoln: Uh, guys, we have a bigger problem. We put that photo under Pop-Pop's door.
Siblings: [Cuts to the outside as the siblings remember that.] Aah!
[Back inside, Lori debriefs everyone on the new plan, and Lynn is suddenly wearing her ninja suit again]
Lori: OK, new plan. Twins, you distract Myrtle. Lynn and Lincoln, you get the photo back. The rest of us will find Pop-Pop and keep him away from his room. Break!
[Everyone except Lynn and Lincoln runs off.]
Lynn: Let's move out, Lincoln!
Lincoln: [Notices Lynn wearing her ninja suit.] Hey, when did you change into your ninja suit?
Lynn: [Slyly] What happened to your bowl cut?
[Back flips away, Lincoln tries to do a front flip after her, but knocks over a table. Later, Lynn slides down her rope, Lincoln tries to do the same, but falls.]
Lincoln: Woah! Ooh.
Lynn: [Fiddles with the doorknob] Locked. Not a problem. I got this. [Holds up a walker] Hoa, [breaks the door open] Ah! [Gives the walker back to the lady leaning on a table.] Thanks, lady.
[They look in the room and find the photo is on the nightstand, ripped right down the middle.]
Lincoln: Oh no, he's already seen it!
Seymour: [Offscreen] Help! Someone call this maniac off!
[Lincoln and Lynn look at each other and gasp in horror. Scene changes to the pool where Seymour is running for his life, but Pop-Pop is chasing after him swinging a pool noodle.]
Pop-Pop: I knew you had your eye on my girl!
Seymour: That's not true. The left one's got a mind of its own.
Pop-Pop: Pictures don't lie, Seymour! And now I'm gonna take it to ya!
Seymour: You're a crazy man!
Pop-Pop: [Swats Seymour into the pool] Ya!
Lincoln: [As he and Lynn run in] Pop-Pop, stop!
Pop-Pop: Stay out of this, kids! Mr. Kissy Face has it coming. [Body slams] Rah!
Seymour: Dang it.
[A big splash is seen from outside the window.]
Lincoln and Lynn: Pop-Pop! [Jump in the pool to stop him.]
Lincoln: Let him go!
Lynn: Let him go!
Lori: What is going on?
Lori, Luna, Lana and Lola: [Sees what's going on] Pop-Pop!
Seymour: Call Sue! Call anybody!
Scoots: [Comes in from offscreen] Geezer fight! I got 50 bucks on Al.
Pop-Pop: [Has Seymour now] Ha!
Lincoln: Pop-Pop, no! The photo's fake!
Pop-Pop: [hears what Lincoln said] What?
Lana: It's true. We made it on our computer!
Pop-Pop: Why in the heck would you do something like that?
Lori: The truth is, we were trying to break you and Myrtle up.
Pop-Pop: Don't you like Myrtle?
Luna: I think we just didn't understand her!
Luan: She was smothering us like a pork chop. But we didn't realize it was because she never had a family!
[The rest of the siblings come in.]
Lana: We may take it for granted that we have a big family, but not everyone's so lucky!
Lincoln: We're really sorry for the way we acted. We hope you can forgive us.
Pop-Pop: Of course I can. I know Myrtle can be a bit much, but that's also what I love about her. She's a spitfire.
Scoots: Ugh, Bleh, this is gettin' too mushy for me. Scoots out! [Drives off]
Pop-Pop: Seymour, I think I owe you an apology too.
Seymour: Nah, don't worry about it, Al.
Lori: Don't we have a birthday party to get to?
Pop-Pop: You know it!
Seymour: Can I come too?
Pop-Pop: You're gonna have to, Seymour. I can't move my arms anymore!
[Back at the party.]
Siblings: Happy birthday, Gran-Gran!
Myrtle: [Touched] Did you hear that, Al? They called me Gran-Gran! Oh, thank you, everyone.
Lori: Thanks for the cake and the party, Gran-Gran, but we should probably get going.
Myrtle: Okay, then, I'll drop by tomorrow.
[The siblings look worried about that.]
Pop-Pop: Uh...how about Sunday instead? I got us tickets to the RV show tomorrow.
Siblings: Bye, Gran-Gran! [They walk away]
Scoots: Seymour, quit eyein' my cake! You already had your piece!
Seymour: I can't help it, the left one's got a mind of its own!
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