The following is a transcript for the episode "Jeers for Fears".
[The episode starts off at Royal Woods Elementary as the bell rings, signaling the end of the day. Lincoln and Clyde are at their lockers when they hear some of their classmates talking.]
Richie: "I hear the screams are so loud, you can't even hear yourself scream."
Trent: "I hear it's so scary, they give you diapers before you go in."
Chandler: "I hear a deranged clown chases you with barbecue tongs." [They notice Lincoln and Clyde approaching them.]
Lincoln: "What are you guys talking about?"
Richie: "The Royal Woods House of Terror just opened up for the season and we're finally old enough to go." [pulls out the brochure for it] "Check it out, zombies, vampires, mutants, all waiting to pounce on you the minute you step inside."
Chandler: [covers the brochure with his hand] "Dude, don't bother telling them about it, they'll never go. Everyone knows they're the biggest chickens in our class."
Lincoln: "Oh yeah?! Then how come we already got tickets to it, Chandler."
Clyde: "We did?" [Lincoln nudges him; now nervous.] "Oh, right, we did, I totally forgot, because I'm so excited, and not at all terrified."
[Clyde gives a nervous chuckle until a book falls over in Lincoln's locker, startling the two boys to scream and hold on to each other. They realize what they are doing and regain cool postures.]
Chandler: "Oh, really? When are you going?"
Lincoln: "Uh, tomorrow night."
Chandler: [looks at his friends before responding.] "Cool. Then we'll get our tickets for tomorrow night too. That way, we can all go together." [chuckles]
Clyde: [feigning excitement] "Great. Looking forward to it."
Chandler: "I'll bet you are." [folds the brochure into a paper airplane and throws it at Clyde's head as Chandler and his friends leave.]
Lincoln: "Oh man! What did we just do? How are we gonna get through the House of Terror?"
Clyde: [grabs Lincoln's shoulders] "I won't even get up to pee at night if my Blarney night light isn't on! [gets out his phone] "I'd better call Dr. Lopez." [waits for her to answer but no response.] "Oh no, it went to voicemail!" [breathes into a paper bag.]
Lincoln: "Wait... [plucks the brochure airplane out of Clyde's hair.] ...I've got an idea. Maybe we can toughen ourselves up before tomorrow night, so we'll be able to handle the House of Terror, and I know who can help us." [throws the brochure airplane somewhere else and Clyde sighs in relief.]
[At the Loud House, Lincoln talks the situation to his sisters.]
Lincoln: "So, what do you say? Are you up for scaring the daylights out of us?"
[The sisters cheer in response.]
Leni: "I'm in!"
Lisa: "Lucy, you're our resident scream queen. What do you suggest?"
Lucy: "I've got a few ideas." [Thunder crashes. Cut to Lincoln's room where Lucy knocks on his door.] "We're ready, Lincoln."
Lincoln: "We can do this."
Lincoln & Clyde: [They glance at each other.] "Clincoln McCloud!" [They share a high five.]
[Suddenly, the lights in the room go out and a red light illumines in front of them. They gasp in fear and Lincoln opens his door, scared, same with Clyde. They step out and the hallway is shown to be dark as well with red lights coming from each sisters' room.]
Lincoln: "Uh...it doesn't look so bad."
[The boys smile nervously at each other before walking down the hallway. Unbeknownst to them, a huge shadow appears on the wall behind them. As they keep walking, two hands grab the boys' shoulders.]
Lincoln: "Thanks for the encouraging pat, buddy."
Clyde: "You too."
Lincoln & Clyde: [realizes] "That's not me..."
[The boys look at their hands before turning around to see a giant hooded figure standing right behind them.]
Sisters: [Pop out of the hood at once.] "BOO!"
[Lincoln and Clyde freak out, run right into the walls, and in a daze, pass out on to the floor. The girls take the hood off, and see that this wasn't one of their better ideas. The boys are now in blankets, shaking terrified and Lucy approaches them.]
Lucy: "This is my fault. I gave you too much fright too soon."
Lincoln: [his voice vibrating] "It's okay."
Clyde: [his voice also vibrating] "You meant well."
Lucy: "We'll dial the scares back a little for round two."
[The two boys nod their heads. Later, they meet up with Lucy, who is on the couch, for the second round.]
Lincoln: "Okay, Luce, we're ready to try again."
Clyde: "What have you got for us?"
Lucy: "Actually, I just ordered you guys a pizza." [the doorbell rings] "Oh, and there it is."
Clyde: "Pizza? Not afraid of that."
Lincoln: "Me neither."
Lincoln & Clyde: [dash for the front door] "Puh-puh-puh-pizza!" [They laugh, but when Lincoln answers the door, it's actually revealed to be Lynn in her masked killer costume with a chainsaw. The boys scream, run around, hit their heads on the doorway of the dining room, and fall down; heads spinning.]
Lynn: [She and Lucy look down at them and lifts her mask.] "Huh. Too much?"
[Cut to the two boys back in their blankets, this time with Lynn on the couch.]
Lucy: "Sorry. I'll dial it back some more."
[Later, Lincoln, Lucy, and Clyde approach Lisa and Lily's room.]
Lucy: "You guys better now?" [The two boys nod their heads.] "Okay, let's try this again." [Opens the door and gestures the boys in.]
[The room is shown to be pitch black, and Lisa emerges.]
Lisa: "Lincoln, Clyde, I'm glad you're here. I have a bone to pick with you. [The boys look at each other confused.] "Or should I say, two-hundred and six bones." [Pushes a button and a giant plastic skeleton drops down. The boys freak out again, run into the doorframe, and are knocked out again.]
[Later, they are outside the basement.]
Lucy: "Here's an easy one, all you have to do is go down in the basement."
Lincoln: "We can definitely do this." [Lucy opens the door and the boys step up.] "Though it sure is dark down there."
[The boys quietly go downstairs, until they step on a squeaky stair. They panic, run back up, and slide facedown across the kitchen floor, Clyde sliding right out the doggy door.]
[Now, they are outside Lynn and Lucy's room.]
Lucy: "All you have to do is go in my room and open the coffin."
Clyde: "Brightly lit empty room. We got this one."
[The boys step inside and approach Lucy's coffin. Clyde opens it and to their discover, it appears to be empty.]
Clyde: "It's empty."
Lincoln: "Phew. That wasn't so bad."
Lucy: [offscreen] "I knew you could do it."
[The boys turn around and Lucy is right in front of them, causing them to scream and fall back inside the coffin, which collapses on the floor. And it's back to the blankets they go.]
Lucy: "Sigh. Okay, even less scary. Got it."
[Lily enters the scene dressed like a wolf and howls, which causes the boys to scream again, having the couch fall backwards.]
Lucy: "Lily, wrong time to break out your new wolf jammies."
[The boys are still wrapped in blankets, quivering, and Lucy has officially given up.]
[Just then, Lori and Bobby walk in.]
Lori: [In unison with Bobby] "Hey guys."
Bobby: [In unison with Lori] "What's the word?"
[Lucy, Lincoln, and Clyde greet them.]
Lori: "Uh, why are you wrapped in blankets? And Lincoln, why are you holding Bun-Bun?"
[Lincoln's blanket slumps over to show that he was indeed holding Bun-Bun.]
Lincoln: "Lucy's been trying to prep us to go to the House of Terror tonight."
Clyde: "We told some classmates we'd meet them there, and we don't wanna look like chickens."
Bobby: "Dudes, I worked at the House of Terror a few seasons ago, I used to haul people to the first aid tent when they passed out."
Clyde: "Passed out?"
Bobby: "Yeah, I'd just throw 'em in the wheelbarrow."
Bobby: "Tell you what, why don't I call and see if any of my friends still work there. I'm sure they'd let us take a tour of the place with all the lights on. Maybe that would help make you less scared."
Lincoln & Clyde: "That'd be awesome!"
[A flash of lightning later, and all three boys arrive at the House of Terror.]
Lincoln: "This place doesn't look so bad, Clyde."
Clyde: "Yeah, we got this." [A squirrel scampers next to him and offers a high five.] "Why hello there, Mr. Squirrel, high five. [high fives the squirrel.] Boop."
[The squirrel scampers off and Bobby grabs the boys' shoulders.]
Bobby: "You guys ready for the tour?"
[The boys scream once again and collapse to the floor.]
Clyde: "We gotta stop doing that."
[The three of them walk up to the entrance and Bobby gives a thumbs up to them and they nervously give one back. The doors open and Lincoln and Clyde look around.]
Bobby: "You can do this, little dudes, there's nothing to be afraid of."
[They head inside and the two boys look around again. Clyde bumps into Lincoln from behind and a spider web drops down from below them.]
Lincoln & Clyde: "SPIDER WEBS!"
Bobby: "Check it." [pulls back it up] "They're just string."
Lincoln & Clyde: "Huh."
[They continue on and three papier-mâché bats drop down with its wings flapping in front of the two boys, startling them.]
Bobby: "They're just papier-mâché." [They continue again, Lincoln and Clyde are still nervous. Bobby holds a trucker's head over his face.] "Styrofoam." [Blood oozes from the wall.] "Food coloring." [A mummy] "Toilet paper." [Pulls some off and goes in the bathroom, and the mummy statue is revealed to be quite handsome. A pile of guts lands at the boys' feet, and Bobby shows them the bucket it came from.] "Yogurt with fruit mixed in." [Tastes it, and Lincoln and Clyde are looking better. They walk past a broken piano.] "See? It's all special effects."
Lincoln: "I guess you're right." [Suddenly, smoke shoots out from the piano and a deranged clown with barbecue tongs drops down, causing the two boys to scream in terror.] "That's not!"
Bobby: "No, it's just Mrs. Bernardo, my old drama teacher. Hey, Mrs. B."
Mrs. Bernardo: [takes the head off] "Bobby, what a nice surprise. What brings you back to Royal Woods?"
Bobby: "Just giving my friends a tour."
Mrs. Bernardo: [to Lincoln and Clyde] "Hello."
Lincoln & Clyde: "Hello." [They walk off]
Mrs. Bernardo: [to Bobby] "Tell your mom we miss her at bingo." [laughs]
Bobby: "Will do." [The three continue down the hall, when suddenly a zombie comes snarling out from a dark room, Lincoln and Clyde freak out again.] "Relax, that's just Mr. Wiznuski, the crossing guard, he likes jobs where he can be on his feet.
[Mr. Wiznuski takes the head off, blows his whistle, and gestures for the boys to pass.]
Clyde: "Oh, thank you, sir."
[They continue, and finally, Bobby moves a curtain aside revealing another door that reads 'BAIL OUT'.]
Bobby: "And finally, this is what we in the haunted house biz call a 'bail out' door. [Opens the door revealing sunshine, Lincoln and Clyde step out.]
Bobby: "Things get too scary tonight, you can just run outside here."
Lincoln: "Thanks Bobby, but I don't think we'll need it."
Clyde: "Yeah, this place is just special effects and friendly town folk. It's not scary at all."
Lincoln: "You really saved our butts, Bobby. Can we treat you to a thank you Flippee?"
Bobby: "Oh-ho, you bet. But before we leave, I want go to say 'hi' to the flesh eating mutant. He's my old T-ball coach."
[The two boys gives a thumbs up.]
LATER THAT NIGHT...
[Lincoln and Clyde return to the House of Terror with confident looks on their faces.]
Lincoln: "We've totally got this, Clyde."
[The squirrel from before scampers next to Lincoln and offers a high five.]
Lincoln: Awww. An encouraging squirrel high five. [high fives the squirrel] Boop."
[The two boys are about ready to head inside but to their surprise, the staff is walking out with some of their belongings. They stop Mrs. Bernardo.]
Lincoln: "Ms. Bernardo?"
Clyde: "Aren't you supposed to be inside getting ready to scare people?"
Mrs. Bernardo: "Not anymore. Management just let the entire staff go."
Lincoln: "What, why?"
Mrs. Bernardo: "Word got back to them that you kids took a tour today and didn't find the place very scary. [Lincoln and Clyde grow nervous to hear that.] "So, they decided to a complete overhaul. Apparently, it's a hundred times scarier now."
Clyde: [As freaked out as Lincoln.] "It's scarier?! And we got everyone fired?! This is a double bagger." [Starts hyperventilating into two brown bags.]
Mrs. Bernardo: [Laughs] "Don't worry about me, honey. This gives me more time [starts singing] to work on my one woman shoooooowwwwww~!" [Smiles and leaves]
Clyde: "What are we going to do? We'll never get through this!" [continues hyperventilating into the bags.]
Lincoln: "Maybe we can get out of here before Chandler shows up."
Chandler: [offscreen] "What up, chumps."
Lincoln: "Dang it."
[Chandler and his friends arrive.]
Chandler: "You guys actually made it? I didn't think you would." [He and his cronies casually continue towards the house, with Lincoln and Clyde following behind, nervously. The coffin shaped doors open themselves, and Chandler gestures inside.] "After you."
[Lincoln and Clyde gulp and nervously walk in followed by Chandler and his friends.]
Lincoln: [nervous] "Sure is dark in here."
[Evil laughter can be heard followed by two men running out of the house screaming. The boys continue on and they reach the end of the hallway leading off in two directions.]
Chandler: [Smugly] "We'll go this way, you chumps go that way." [Backing into the corridor with his Richie and Trent.] "See you chickens at the exit."
[Lincoln and Clyde nervously look at each other. They enter their corridor, and are greeted by a huge scarecrow with crows flying out of his mouth, they run off in fear down another hall into a giant mutant with eyes all over and holding a scythe, the mutant swings at them but they run off, they stop in a dark room to catch their breath, when suddenly.]
[The lights come on revealing the boys to be surrounded by zombies, the boys run again, through the rest of house.]
Lincoln: "We gotta find that bail out door!"
Clyde: "My thoughts exactly."
[Cuts to the bail out door, where, not Lincoln and Clyde, but Chandler, Trent, and Richie jump right out of, terrified by the experience.]
Chandler: [Gets up] "That was, the scariest experience of my life." [Shudders]
Trent: "I need a hug." [Richie gets up and gives him one.]
Chandler: "Well, who's gonna hug me?"
Richie: "Bring it in dude."
[The three hug each other, quivering. Meanwhile, Lincoln and Clyde are still running through the house, screamimg, and eventually make it out, and can now catch their breath in peace.]
Lincoln: "Oh man, the bail out door was much farther than I thought."
Clyde: "They really, need to work on their, signage."
[Lincoln sees Chandler, Trent, and Richie approaching.]
Lincoln: "Hey guys, how'd you get out before us?"
Chandler: [Trying to come up with something.] "Ooh, well, uh..."
Trent: "We took the bail out door, that place was way too scary."
[Chandler elbows him for that.]
Richie: "Guess you guys made it all the way through."
[Lincoln and Clyde turn around and see that the door they ran out of was the exit, which two other kids run out of in the same manner they did.]
Lincoln: [Amazed] "Yeah, I guess we did."
Chandler: [Nervous] "Are you gonna rat us out to everyone at school for being chickens."
Lincoln: "Nah, that wouldn't be cool."
Chandler: "Oh, you guys are alright, I'm sorry for always messing with you."
[Lincoln and Clyde look at each other.]
Lincoln: "Forget it."
Clyde: "Yeah, we're good."
Chandler: "Hey, you guys wanna go to Gus' for some pizza?"
Clyde: "Sounds great."
[Chandler, Trent, and Richie head off and Lincoln and Clyde take the time to reflect on what just happened.]
Lincoln: "Wow, friends with Chandler, who would have thunk it?"
Clyde: "Do you think we should tell him we only made it to the end because we couldn't find the bail out door?"
Lincoln and Clyde: "Nah."
Lincoln: "That'll be our little secret." [They fist bump on it, they start off to catch up with Chandler but stop when they see their squirrel friend's face inside a crow's beak, which they find adorable.] "Ahh, he's wearing a crow costume."
Clyde: [Kneels down] "Are you trying to scare us too? You cute little-"
[The squirrel's head falls out of the beak, they boys freak out again and run off. Once they're gone, the real squirrel picks up what is revealed to be a fake squirrel head, and high fives with the crow.]
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