The following is a transcript for the episode "Lana Loud".
Script[]
The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
Lana: "What up, grease monkeys! Lana Loud here with my co-mechanic, Hops." [Hops ribbits] "For today's podcast, I'm going to talk about how to treat your car like a member of the family. To demonstrate, I'm going to use Vanzilla! And all the people in the house who have the privilege of driving her. Mom, Dad, Lori and Leni. I may have had to be a little sneaky about luring them out here." Rita: "Hey kiddo, we got your note!" Leni: "It's so sweet of you to treat us to ice cream." Lynn Sr.: "Can't wait to get my mint chip on!" Lori: "Me too. I'll drive." Lana: "Ah-ah-ah! Nobody's driving anywhere yet. First, I thought we'd have a little chat about the most important member of the family." Lynn Sr.: "Your mother?" Rita: "Your father?" Leni: "Mr. Grouse?" Lori: "Me?" Lana: "No! I'm talking about Vanzilla." Lori: "Vanzilla? That's ridiculous. It's just a car." Lana:[To Vanzilla] "Don't worry, girl. She doesn't know what she's saying." [To Lori] "Lori, who takes you to the city to see Bobby?" Lori: "Um, well, I guess, Vanzilla." Lana: "And Dad, who's the only family member who doesn't complain when you sing oldies at the top of your lungs?" Lynn Sr.: "What, those are classics! But yes, I see your point. Vanzilla." Lana: "Mom, where's the only place you can go for a soundproof scream after parent-teacher conferences?" Rita: "I didn't know you knew about that. But Vanzilla." Lana: "And Leni, who's always up for a trip to the mall?" Leni: "Mr. Grouse?" Mr. Grouse: "Oh we're going to the mall? Great! I need a belt I can wear with Khakis!" Lana: "Not now, Mr. Grouse!" [Back to her family] "All I'm saying is that Vanzilla's done so much for you guys. It's time you started treating her better." Lori: "What? We treat her great." Lynn Sr.: "Yes! Like a princess!" Lana: "Well, as Vanzilla's chief mechanic, I've seen otherwise. That's why I wanted to give you, and my listeners some pointers about auto care." Leni: "So we're not going out for ice cream?" Lana: "We'll see if you earn it. Now let's start with the windshield. As you can see, Vanzilla is covered in…" Leni: "Ew! What's all that gunk?!" Lana: "Bug splats." [Hops ribbits] "You don't see them get this thick unless you've got a real speed demon behind the wheel." [Lana clears her throat and everyone looks at someone] Lori: "What? Why's everyone looking at me?!" [Everyone tells Lori off] Lynn Sr.: "Come on, Lori Lu." Lana: "Listeners, if you've got a lead foot like Lori in the family, here's a quick way to get your windshield nice and clean. Everyone, grab an ice-scraper. I've found it's the best tool for cleaning off those grimy bug guts." [Everyone gets scraping] "That's right, Lori, put your back into it." Lori: "Ew, this is literally gross." Leni: "Ah! Guys, this bug is still alive!" [Hops ribbits and eats the bug] Lana: "Oops. Not anymore. Thanks for the help, Hops, but splitsies next time, all right? Okay. The windshield's looking good. Up next, let's take a peek at the belly of the beast. A.k.a. the undercarriage." [Everyone sinks under] Lynn Sr.: "Oh my back!" Rita: "Do we have to get this low?" Lana: "All right. Everybody roll under with me. There you go." [They roll under] Lynn Sr.:[Whistles] "Look at all the mud caked on here." Lana: "Exactly, Dad. Now normally, I can't get enough of this stuff. But it doesn't belong on Vanzilla. Isn't that right, Mom?" Rita: "Why are you asking me?!" Lana: "Been doing some off-roading in Hazeltuckey again?" Rita: "Of course not! Maybe! I just drove through a puddle." Lana: "Then how do you explain all the corn husks stuck in here?" Rita: "Okay. Fine. You caught me. But Lily had just had a diaper blow-out, and I had to get back home." Lana: "Listeners, if you too have a mom who takes shortcuts through cornfields, you can clean off the undercarriage with a few blasts from a power washer." [Blasts the washer] Rita: "You might want to use that on the car seat too. The diaper can only hold so much." Lana: "I'm on it!" [Blasts the washer again] Lynn Sr.: "Watch my dry cleaning!" Lana: "Oh sorry, Pops." [To the listeners] "Next up, I'd like to direct your attention To Vanzilla's doors and trim. As you can see, they're pretty scratched up." Leni: "Okay, okay, you caught me! Gosh, you're good." Lana: "Actually, I had no idea who scratched them. But now I do." Leni: "I'm sorry, but why are those compact parking spots always so tight?" Lana: "Cause they're for compact cars." Leni: "Oh. I thought they were for people with makeup compacts." Lana: "It's okay, Leni. Words can sometimes mean two things. But don't worry. These scratches are easy to get out. Just take a little squirt of toothpaste. And buff them right out. Come on, everybody try it." Rita: "Wow, I can't believe this toothpaste actually works." Leni: "Oh-Em-Gosh. I know right? Let's see what it does for my under-eye circles." [Squirts toothpaste in her eyes and starts screaming] "My eye!" Lori: "Don't worry! I've got you, Leni." [Blasts the power washer at Leni. Leni screams again] Leni: "Oh, that's better." Lana: "Quick thinking, Lori. But now Leni made a dent in the van. Hops, you wanna take care of that? [Hops ribbits and pulls the dent out with his tongue] Listeners, if you don't have a frog friend with a super suction tongue, you can also get a dent out with a plunger. Now, just got to get the frog spit off the car. And we're good." Lynn Sr.: "Wow! Vanzilla hasn't looked this fine since Nineteen-seventy-nine." [A chime sound is heard. Lynn Sr. gasps] "It even sounds clean!" Mr. Grouse: "Nope! That's me practicing my triangle. Your van's still a heap of junk." Lana: "We're working on it, Mr. Grouse!" Lynn Sr.: "Well Lana, now that you've dealt with all the problem drivers in the family, what say we go get that ice cream?" Lana: "Nice try, Mr. I-Can't-Change-A-Tire." Lynn Sr.: "What? That's... That's not true!" Lana: "C'mon, Dad. The last time you got a flat I had to ride my bike across town to change it for you." Lynn Sr.: "Well, I uh…" Lana: "Do you know how hard it is to pedal while carrying a spare tire?" Lynn Sr.: "Good point. I guess it's time I learned how to do it myself." Lana: "Okay, listeners, here's how you change a tire. First step, jack up the car." [Does so] "Then, take your tire iron and loosen the lug nuts. Dad, care to take a swing at it?" Lynn Sr.: "Gladly." Lana: "Now remember. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey!" Lynn Sr.:[Chuckles] "Thanks, sweetie, but I think I know how this works." [Strainfully tries, then nervously chuckles] "It's just a… Why… won't… this… budge?!" [Drops the iron] Rita: "Honey, let me give it a shot." [Takes the lugnut off with ease] Lynn Sr.:[A little embarrassed] "Oh, thanks, hun." Rita: "Well, you loosened it for me, sweetie." Lana: "Once the lug nuts are off, just remove the old tire… and grab a new one. Make sure it's inflated to the proper air pressure. Hey, where's my high-power air compressor?" Leni:[Using it to blowdry her hair] "This blow dryer thingy's amazing! It's giving me so much volume!" Lana: "Give it!" [Takes it off] "Okay, once your air pressure is good, slap that new tire on, tighten the lug nuts, and you're good to go. See? Easy!" [Hops ribbits] "What's that, Hops? Our time is almost up? Well that's okay, because I think our listeners and the drivers in my family have learned a lot today." [Everyone agrees] Leni: "So, can we get ice cream now?" Lana: "Of course, you've earned it! In fact, double scoops for everyone! It's on me. You wouldn't believe how much change I found under Vanzilla's seats." Lynn Sr.: "Everyone in. Let's hit that rocky road! Ha-ha. Get it?" [Hops ribbits] "Well, Hops feels me." Lori: "I have to admit, I'm impressed, Lana. You really know your stuff." Leni: "Yeah, you're such a pro." Lana: "Well, when you've been Vanzilla's mechanic as long as I have, you learn a thing or two about how to treat the old girl right." [The van starts up, there's beeping and the engine shuts off] Leni: "What's wrong now?" Lori:[smells something] "Ew, and what is that smell?" Lana: "Huh?" Lynn Sr.: "Oh, oh that is rank!" Lana: "Come on, Hops. Let's take a look." [Gets out and looks] "Uh oh." [Hops ribbits] Lynn Sr.: "Is - is it something we did?" Lana: "Actually, I think this one might be my bad." Rita: "What's that stuck to the engine?" Lori: "Is that an old egg salad sandwich?" Lana: "Bug salad actually. With extra crickets for crunch. Mm. I must have dropped it during my last maintenance tune-up. I'll take care of that." [Eats it and burps] Leni: "Ew! Get it away from me!" Lynn Sr.: "Oh, she ate it! Oh!" Lana: "Heh, even better toasted." [Hops ribbits] "Oh, sorry, Hops, I should've gone splitsies." [Hops ribbits] "No, you're right. I should also apologize. Mom, Dad, Lori, Leni, I'm sorry for being such a hypocrite. Clearly, I'm also guilty of not always treating Vanzilla like family." Rita: "Well, you certainly made her smell like family." Lynn Sr.: "Don't worry about it, sweetie. You taught us so much today." Lori: "Bring it in, Lans." [Family hug] Louds: "Aw!" Mr. Grouse:[Honks his horn] "All right. Break it up, Louds. I'm late to triangle practice and your heap of junk is blocking the road." Lana: "Sorry, Mr. Grouse! Listeners, that's all the time we have for today. This has been Lana Loud reminding you to treat your car right. All right guys. Next stop, ice cream." [Hops ribbits] "Yes, Hops, you can get sprinkles." [The end]
