The following is a transcript for the episode "Linc or Swim".
[The sun is shining really bright today, the sound of mosquitos buzzing and water splashing can be heard. Camera cuts to a sign reading "Royal Woods Community Pool". Camera zooms down to reveal Lincoln, wearing swimming trunks, stepping out of the changing room and tugging his trunks nice and tightly.]
Lincoln: [to viewers] "Ah! On a hot summer day, there's nothing like a refreshing dip in the community pool." [He dashes towards the pool.] "CANNONBALL!"
[The sound of a whistle halts him to a stop. The camera goes up, showing a concerned face on him.]
Lifeguard: "Loud family, out!"
[The Loud kids are seen leaving the pool.]
Lynn: "But we were just having fun."
Lifeguard: "Chicken fights during Senior Swim are not "fun"."
Mrs. Jelinski: [shaking her fist in anger.] "I just replaced this hip!"
[The other seniors look back at the kids with concerned or angry expressions.]
[Screen wipe to show a sign called "Huntington Oaks Community Pool". Camera pans down to show Lincoln stepping out of the changing room, tugging on his trunks to check if it's firm.]
Lincoln: [sighs] "On a hot summer day, there's nothing like a refreshing dip in the community pool... one town over." [Lincoln prepares to do another cannonball.] "CANNONBALL!"
[Like last time, the sound of a whistle makes Lincoln halt to a stop, the camera pans up, to reveal his face, which has a rather ticked off expression.]
Lifeguard: "Loud family, out!"
[The Loud kids are seen leaving, while the lifeguard shoves Lincoln out. Lana can be seen holding a spoon.]
Lana: "But we were just having fun."
Lifeguard: "Drinking pool water is not fun."
Lana: "But it tastes like chicken noodle soup."
Lifeguard: "Fine, but did you have to add the celery and carrots?"
[The camera zooms out to reveal that Lana has littered the pool with slices of celery and carrots. The lifeguard scoops some of these slices out with his pool skimmer.]
[Screen wipe to show another sign which reads "Hazeltucky Community Pool." A rooster crows and goat bleating can be heard in the background. The camera pans down to show Lincoln once again stepping out of the changing room, but has a rather irritated expression.]
Lincoln: "On a hot summer day, oh, you know the rest." [He once again dashes towards the pool.] "CANNONBALL!"
[Lincoln finally jumps in, but at that moment, the lifeguard blows her whistle and swiftly catches Lincoln with her skimmer. Lincoln gets mad.]
Lifeguard: "Loud family, out!" [She drops Lincoln out her skimmer.]
[The Loud kids are seen leaving once again.]
Lori: "But we were just having fun."
Lifeguard: "Fecal incidents are not fun."
[Camera cuts to the now emptied pool, where people in hazmat suits scrub the walls of the pool to get rid of Lily's excrement while pedestrians look on.]
[Camera shows another glance of the sun, then it shows the eleven siblings walking home.]
Lori: "Come on, guys. We'll just find another pool."
Lisa: "Actually, we've been suspended from every aquatic recreation center within a 60-mile radius."
[The gang stops and groans in agony.]
Lori: "Seriously? How are we gonna keep cool now?"
[The girls start grumbling in frustration.]
Lincoln: "So that's it, then. No more pool for the Louds." [gets an idea] "That's it! 'Pool for the Louds!' Why didn't I think of that sooner?" [Heads off while his sisters keep grumbling.]
[Over at Good Sport Sporting Goods, Lincoln is looking for a new swimming pool and picks up the DELUX SWIMMING POOL which is Muscle Fish approved and has a warning label that says it has dangerous levels of fun and is a drowning hazard.]
Lincoln: "Whoa. The perfect family pool. Just imagine..."
[Lincoln has a fantasy about getting ready to dive into his new pool.]
Lincoln: "On a hot summer day, there's nothing like a refreshing dip in your own pool." [charges toward it] "CANNONBALL!!!" [suddenly comes to a screeching halt.]
Lola: "Ah ah ah! Don't you dare splash me, Lincoln Loud! This outfit cannot get wet."
[It is revealed that his sisters have taken up the pool even in his own fantasy.]
Lincoln: "But it's a swimsuit."
Lola: [scoffs] "It's a swim gown, you Philistine."
Lana: [adding the celery and carrots and singing.] "Mama's little baby loves shortenin', shortenin" [scoops some water up and takes a sip.]
Lynn: "Who whats to chicken fight?"
[Luna lets out a war cry.]
Leni: [with a chicken on her back] "I'm in!"
[The chicken tries to get away while Leni holds on tight.]
Lana: "Mmm...just what my soup needs..."
Lincoln: "I can't even get into the pool in my own fantasy!"
Lori: "FECAL INCIDENT!"
[All the girls except Lily run away for obvious reasons.]
Lincoln: "Maybe not so perfect." [puts it back and finds an individual one.] "Oh! Paradise for One. Just imagine..." [imagines himself in the pool on a small island in the middle of the ocean.] "Now this is a pool I can really get into." [singing and heading for the exit] "Lincoln's little baby loves shortenin', short-" [triggers the alarm] "Whoops. Gotta pay first." [heads to the check out counter]
[The Loud House; the girls are in the kitchen trying to cool off with the contents from the freezer; Lincoln sees them and tries to hide his pool kit from them.]
Leni: "Hey, Linc. Wanna chill with us?"
Luan: "'Chill'! Good one, Leni!" [laughs]
Leni: "Good what?"
Lincoln: "Thanks, but I don't mind the heat. But, uh, you guys keep cool in here. Definitely no reason to go outside. I wouldn't even bother looking out there. Am I talking too much? I feel like I'm talking too much." [leaves]
Lisa: "He's clearing suffering the first symptoms of heat stroke. Now, pass the frozen succotash."
[Lynn tosses the succotash to her.]
Lana: "Scoot over. You're melting the broccoli."
Lola: "Well, stop breathing on the frozen carrots!"
Luan: "Hey, Lynn, can you grab that bag of peas? Peas and thank you!" [laughs while her sisters groan]
[While they're cooling off, Lincoln sneaks off into the backyard.]
Lincoln: [breathing heavily] "Phew." [dumps out pool kit and instructions] "The manual? Psst. Who needs the manual?" [tries setting up pool only to make it look like a camping tent.] "What the?" [tries again and makes it look like a sailboat; tries again and it looks like a unicorn; wrestles with it and gets bucked into the trash can; pulls out the manual.] "Ah, the manual. Everyone needs the manual." [unfolds it]
[The first thing he tries is using a bike pump to inflate it, but it breaks.]
Lincoln: "Whoops." [sees the nozzle] "I guess it's just you and me now." [breathes into it deeply a few times but gets too lightheaded to keep trying; passes out for a bit and now half is body is sunburned; touches it.] "Ouch! My sunburn!" [tries pumping up the pool with a pair of bellows and inflates it perfectly and closes the nozzle and notices a bee.] "Oh, no, you don't..." [shoos it away, gets chased by it, and gets stung.] "I sure showed that bee." [the bee stings and pops the pool.] "Dang it."
[The pool gets a patch where the sting occurred and is fully inflated and Lincoln is hosing water into it and notices the shadow from the tree is casting over it; he moves the pool to the sun while the water comes out and now the pool is empty; he then touches his two painful spots.]
Lincoln: "Ouch! My sunburn and my bee sting!"
[Later, he finally gets it set up.]
Lincoln: "And now, to suit up and cool down." [charges off into trash can] "Ouch! My sunburn and my bee sting and my twisted ankle!"
[Lincoln has changed into his swim trunks, finally ready to bask in his paradise for one.]
Lincoln: "On a hot summer day, there's nothing like a refreshing dip in your own pool." [charges] "CANNONBALL!" [comes to a screeching halt] "Aah!" [discovers that Lori and Leni have found out about the pool and are now lounging in it.] "How the...when did...what are you guys doing here?"
Lori: "Lincoln, this is literally genius. Who's gonna kick us out of our own pool? Right?" [raises a toast with Leni.]
Leni: "Are you getting in? There's totes room for one more."
Lincoln: "Um, actually..." [shows them the package] "...there's only room for one. See? Says so on the box. Paradise for-
Lynn: [pounces on Lincoln] "CHICKEN FIGHT! I call Lincoln!"
[Lincoln tries to get up, but is struggling to carry Lynn on his shoulders.]
Lynn: "Come on, partner! You gotta plant those feet!"
Lincoln: "Whoa!" [collapses] "Oof!"
[The girls are having a pool party right in their backyard while Lily is running around in the nude.]
Lincoln: [chasing her with her diaper] "Lily! No skinny dipping!" [gets splashed by Lynn and sees Lisa adding some kind of chemical.] "Lisa! No! What do you think you're doing?"
Lisa: "Testing sanitation levels. I've concocted a special serum that will detect and eliminate urine, AKA tinkle, in H2O."
Lincoln: "I'm sure no one here would..."
[Lisa adds the serum anyway and the water evaporates and bursts into a pink smoke within seconds; it reveals that all of her older sisters had tinkled in the pool, proved by their rosy cheeks, except Lisa and Lincoln.]
Lisa: "Hmm... unprecedented levels."
[Lincoln washes the pool and refills it and the party continues; Luan and Leni are playing Marco Polo.]
Luan: "No, Leni. I'm Marco. You're Polo."
Leni: "Then who's Leni?"
[Luan was dumbfounded, Lily is about to go skinny dipping again.]
Lincoln: "Oh, no no no no no!" [grabs her and puts her in her diaper] "No fecal incidents in my pool! I'm watching you, Lily." [sees Lucy floating and gasps in horror] "Lucy? I didn't know you liked to swim."
Lucy: "I'm not swimming. I'm trying to see if I'm a witch. Am I floating?"
[Lily has escaped her diaper yet again.]
Lincoln: [gives chase] Get back here!"
[Cut to Lynn with a pool noodle with Lana is standing on the edge, as Lola is lounging.]"
Lynn: "You know what your soup needs? Noodles!" [bonks Lana with a pool noodle.]
Lana: [grabs one] "Bring it!"
Lola: "STOP SPLASHING ME!"
Lincoln: "Guys, no horseplay!"
Luan: "What about elephant play?" [blasts Lincoln with a jet of water while sounding like an elephant, which makes Lana, Lynn, and Lola laugh at Lincoln.]
Lincoln: [flies right into Bobby.] "Huh? Bobby? What are you doing here?"
Bobby: "Lori said there was an opening for a lifeguard at Casa Loud." [blows whistle] "Everyone out! Senior swim!"
Lincoln: "What? There aren't any old people here!"
Lori: "Um, hello! High school senior?" [points to self and gets in] "Shoo shoo. Oh, this really is paradise for one."
[Lincoln gets enraged, grabs Bobby's whistle, and blows into it.]
[Everyone gives Lincoln their attention and Lynn bonks Lana with her noodle.]
Lincoln: "In case you guys haven't noticed, this is my pool! I bought it and spent all day setting it up, and I haven't even gotten in it yet! I'm too busy keeping all of you from ruining it!"
Lynn: "But we were just having fun!"
Lincoln: "Loud family, out!"
[Everyone reluctantly leaves]
Lincoln: "Finally. Time to...CANNONBALL!" [charges and comes to yet another screeching halt.] "What? Warning. No cannonballs. May cause tears. How did I not notice this before? Eh, I'll just rip this off." [notices another label] "No removing the warning label? Sheesh! What can I do?" [gets in] "That's all right. This is still gonna be paradise for one." [starts to get a little bored and tries doing some of the things his sisters did like kicking back, lounging, playing Marco Polo...] "Marco! Marco!" [...and playing with the noodles, but nothing interests him, and he pulls out a carrot slice from Lana's soup recipe.] "Ugh!" [tosses it aside; remembers all the fun his sisters had and misses them; hears some splashing.] "What's going on?" [goes to check it out]
[It turns out the girls and Bobby are hanging out front with the Delux swimming pool Lincoln originally planned to get with Luna playing on a steel drum and Lori taking photos of her darling lifeguard.]
Lori: "Oh, that's fierce, babe."
[Lynn and Lana are resuming their noodle fight.]
Lynn: [strikes] "En garde!"
Lana: [counters and knocks Lynn into the water] "Have at thee! Ha!"
Lola: [sealing up her swim gown in a protective wrap] "Just because I'm fabulous doesn't mean I can't have fun." [slides down and swims] "La-la-la, la-la-la"
[Lucy and Lily apply sunscreen to each other.]
Luan: "Okay, this time, instead of Marco Polo, why don't we just use our real names?"
Leni: "Okay. So, I'm..." [sees her brother] "Lincoln?"
Luan: "Boy, you really don't get this game at all, do you?" [then notices what Leni meant] "Oh, hey, Linc!"
Lincoln: "Hey, guys...what's all this?"
Lori: "Well, little bro, you had such a good idea in buying your pool, we decided to-"
Luan: "-pool our money to get this one!" [laughs and gets more exasperated groans from everyone and gets bonked by Lynn's noodle.] "That's using your noodle!" [laughs some more] "Ow."
Leni: "Aren't you gonna get in? There's totes room for one more."
Lincoln: "You're gonna let me use your pool, even though I kicked you out of mine?"
Lola: "Well, he was kind of a meanie."
Lucy: "Not to mention selfish."
Lori: "And bossy."
Bobby: "And he stole my whistle!"
Luan: "But that doesn't mean he can't use our pool."
Lynn: "Well, duh. It's more fun with all of us."
Leni: "Yeah! All ten of us!"
Lucy: "Leni, there are eleven of us."
Leni: "Oh, that's right. I forgot Marco."
Lincoln: "Well, in that case...CANNONBALL!!!" [cannonballs right in]
[What they don't know is that there's a warning label prohibiting cannonballs on the INSIDE of the pool; this unfortunate oversight destroys the pool and ruins their party.]
Luna: "Whoa, dude...looks like pool's out for summer."
Lori: "How we are gonna keep cool now?"
Lisa: "I'll go get the frozen succotash."
Lincoln: "No worries, guys. I got just the thing."
[Everyone is cramped inside Paradise for One, making it paradise for a dozen.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "So, it turns out that a pool, and basically everything that's awesome in life, is more fun when everyone gets to be a part of it."
[Bobby blows his whistle.]
Bobby: "Fecal incident!"
Kids: "LOUD FAMILY, OUT!"
[All except Lily get out of the pool, making it pretty obvious that Lily was the cause of the fecal incident.]
Lily: [giggles in her own paradise for one.]
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