The following is a transcript for the episode "Lincoln Loud: Girl Guru".


Lincoln and Clyde: "♫ Ohhhhhhhhh... Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin'. Mama's little baby loves short'nin'... ♫"
Clyde: "♫ Breeeeeeeaaaaaad! ♫"
Lincoln: "Very nice, Clyde!" [to the viewers] "Clyde and I have a week to start a successful business for class. So we're gonna sell homemade chocolate pie!"
Clyde: "We've never baked before. But how hard could it be? Everybody loves chocolate pie. My nana says that if they don't, you can't trust them."
Lincoln: [opens the shelf, seeing nothing but...] "What? Empty wrappers. I should have known."
Clyde: "It wasn't me! I was with you the whole time."
Lincoln: [closes the shelf] "I know, Clyde. It was my sisters. They're well-known chocoholics."
[Flashback to the sisters enjoying the chocolate bars.]
Lori: "Mmm."
Luna and Luan: "Mmm."
Leni, Lynn, Lucy and Lisa: [sighing]
Lana and Lola: "Mmm."
Lily: [giggles]
[Flashback ends]
Clyde: "Well, what are we gonna do? I already rolled out 84 pie crusts!"
Lincoln: "We'll just replace the chocolate with something equally delicious."
[Cut to the business fair where Artie is taking a bite out of one of their pies only to spit it out.]
Artie: [disgusted] "Ugh! What the heck kind of pie is this?"
Lincoln and Clyde: "Salt and vinegar."
Artie: "Gross!" [puts the pie back and walks away]
Clyde: "I don't get it. It works on potato chips."

Lincoln: "Any other ideas?"
Clyde: "How about we sell hugs? My dads say I'm an excellent hugger."
Lynn Sr.: [frustrated cleaning the van] "Aw, dang bird poop! Don't you feather-brains have somewhere else to hang out?"
Lincoln: [gets an idea] "Clyde, that's it!"
Clyde: "Bird poop?"
Lincoln: "We can sell birdhouses!"
Clyde: "Oh! Great idea! But wait. We don't know anything about woodworking."
Lincoln: "Eh, how hard could it be?"
[pounding and whirring' their first birdhouse is shoddily built with popsicle sticks and bandages.]
Clyde: "I can't believe I doubted us."
Lincoln: "Ah! Our first resident!"
[bird chirps, screams, caws away and poops on ruined birdhouse.]

[Lincoln crosses birdhouses off his list.]
Clyde: "How about we sell smiles? My dads say I have a million-dollar smile." [smiles]
Lincoln: "Well..."
[door clicks and thuds.]
Luan: [dressed as a clown, counting money earned.] "98, 99..."
Lincoln: "Whoa! Where'd you get all that money, Luan?"
Clyde: "Did you sell...laughter?"
Luan: "Ha! Laughter? It's my pleasure to give that away for free. This is from selling balloon animals. Observe. [She blows a large pink balloon and shapes it into...] "A dog! Now pick up the pace, Fido! It's the leash you can do!" [laughs as she goes upstairs; comes back for a minute.] "No charge."
Lincoln and Clyde: "We'll sell balloon animals! How hard could it be?"

[However, it's not as easy as Luan makes it look. Lincoln tries to work on a balloon until it pops.]
Lincoln: "Ah!"
Clyde: "Lincoln! Look professional! We've got a customer!
Liam: "Uh, I'll take the, uh, cheeseburger?"
Clyde: "It's a bunny rabbit."
Liam: "Even better!" [whispers] "It's for a girl I like."
Lincoln: "You know, Liam, if it's for a girl, you should get her chocolate. All my sisters love it."
Liam: "Oh, cool! Thanks Lincoln." [runs off]
Clyde: "Lincoln, you just lost our only customer."
Lincoln: "Relax, Clyde. With this sweet product, there's gonna be plenty more."
[Sometime later, Lincoln and Clyde are sleeping while nobody seems to be coming to their stand; Liam comes back.]
Liam: "Hey, Lincoln!"
[Lincoln and Clyde wake up in a shock with balloons popping.]
Clyde: Ah, take cover!"
Liam: "She loved the chocolate! We have a date this Friday!"
Lincoln: "Oh, great! I guess with ten sisters. I've learned a few things about girls."
Liam: [grabs Lincoln's face] "Oh, don't be so modest. You're like a girl guru." [leaves]
Lincoln: "Clyde, I think Liam-" [picks up Clyde] "I think Liam just gave us our next business idea."
Lincoln and Clyde: "How hard could it be?"
Clyde: "Step right up and ask the Girl Guru. He's got the goods on the gals, the facts on the females, the lowdown on the ladies."
[exotic instrumental music]
Customers: [gasping] "Me! Me!"
Andrew: "Oh, Girl Guru, I'm hanging out with Jordan later, and I really want it to go well. What do girls think is fun?"
Lincoln: "Hmmm."
[A flashback shows Lynn doing the Dutch oven on him while he's playing video games in a blanket.]
Lynn: "Hey, Lincoln. What's more fun than a Canadian microwave? A Dutch oven!" [wraps herself with Lincoln and blows a fart so big it inflates the blanket with them underneath it.]
Lincoln: [yells]
Lynn: [laughing]
Lincoln: [grunting]
[flashback ends]
Lincoln: "Dutch ovens."
Andrew: "Really?"
Clyde: [pushes Andrew away] "The Girl Guru has answered your question, and as you can see, many other boys await his wisdom." [to Lincoln] "You do know what you're doing, right?"
Lincoln: "I don't know. Why don't you ask Liam?"
[Liam and his girlfriend pass by; Liam's girlfriend, who's chewing on a chocolate bar at the moment, kisses him on the cheek, leaving a heart-shaped chocolate smudge.]
Liam: "Hee-hee!"
Clyde: "And that's why you're wearing the robe and I'm wearing the fanny pack. Who's next?"
Rusty: "How do I get a girl to fall for me?"
Lincoln: "Omm..."
[A flashback shows Lynn Sr. telling a bedtime story to Lola.]
Lynn Sr.: "And so the young knight returned Princess Taylor to her tower five minutes before curfew, and no one was punished, and everything worked out great. The end. Good night, sweetie."
Lola: [wakes up] "Hey, where do you think you're going? More knight and horsey stories!"
[flashback ends]
Lincoln: "You're going to need a stallion and a suit of armor."
Rusty: "Oh, thank you, Girl Guru. Thank you. Thank you."
Zach: "Oh, Girl Guru, I like this girl. But she doesn't think I'm good enough for her. How do I change her mind?"
[A flashback shows when Lisa was talking to Lily about a boy.]
Lisa: "Dylan Cornheiser tried to hold my hand at recess. I told him, learn basic chemistry, and then we'll talk."
[Lincoln was listening on the side of the door; flashback ends.]
Lincoln: "Simple. Learn basic chemistry."
Zach: "Oh, man, I stink at chemistry. What about kickball?"
Clyde: [pushes Zach away] "The Girl Guru has spoken."

Lincoln: [speaks to Papa Wheelie] "Nothing makes my sister Lana happier than a frog in her pants." [speaks to Flat Tire] "Take her to a funeral. My sister Lucy swears by it." [speaks to Coach Pacowski] "Roses are fine, but squirting flowers will really make her day."
Coach Pacowski: [writing that down] "Squirting flowers... make... her... day. Thanks, Loud. See you in gym."

[bell rings]
Lincoln: "Clyde, our business is killing it! I think we're looking at an A." [spins with Clyde] "Worst-case scenario, A minus."
Clyde: "Tell me about it. I had to triple up on fanny packs just to hold all the money we made."
Andrew: [farts]
Jordan: [screams and coughs] "You jerk!"
Andrew: "But the Girl Guru said you'd love a Dutch oven."
Jordan: "Maybe you'd love an American wedgie!"
Andrew: [screams and runs]
Lincoln: "Well, you can't expect advice to work 100 percent of the time." [closes locker with Clyde]
[frog croaking and jumping on Joy's head.]
Joy: "Ew, ew, ew, ew! Gross! Get it off!"
Papa Wheelie: "But the Girl Guru said-"
Joy: "Get him, girls!"
Girls: [growling] "Get him!"
[They chase Papa Wheelie across the hall.]
Lincoln: "That is not on us. He must have picked a bad frog."
Clyde: [popping out of a trash can] "Let's just get back to class before they come back."

[Mrs. Johnson's classroom]
Flat Tire: "Hey, Mollie, you want to go on a date with me?"
Mollie: "Um, yeah."
Flat Tire: "Great! I'm gonna need you to wear this." [puts veil on Mollie] "Ah, there's the hearse. We're going to a funeral. How strong are you? They might need an extra pallbearer."
Mollie: [disgusted] "Ew! Yuck! Get away from me, you morbid weirdo!"
[Flat Tire stares at Lincoln and Clyde who gulp in response.]
Coach Pacowski: "This is for you, Agnes."
Mrs. Johnson: "Daisies are my favorite!" [gets squirted] "Ah!" [pushes Coach Pacowski away] "You yokel! I just had my hair done."
Coach Pacowski: "But, Agnes, the Girl Guru said-" [points at Lincoln and Clyde] "Hope you boys like push-ups!"
Lincoln: "Uh, Mrs. Johnson, can I have the boys' bathroom pass?"
Clyde: "And I'll take the girls'."
[They're both running down the hallway.]
Kat: [yells]
Zach: "I was trying to impress you with my basic chemistry skills."
Kat: "You burnt my braids, you doofus!"
Zach: "He told me to do it!"
Kat: "What?"
[Lincoln and Clyde laugh nervously and run to the boys' room.]
Clyde: "Lincoln, I'm starting to lose feeling in my toes. I think it's a panic attack."
Lincoln: "It's okay. Just breathe into your paper bag."
Clyde: [picks up paper bag and gasps] "Mmm. Oops." [chuckles] "Wrong bag. That was my lunch." [switches bags and inhales and exhales sharply.]
[Horse neighs]
Rusty: [wearing a suit of armor] "Whoa, White Lightning, stop! Sadie, do you want to go to the movies?" [picks up Sadie]
Sadie: [screams]
[White Lightning crashes and Rusty's armor flies everywhere.]
Lincoln: "Let me have the bag." [Clyde hands it to him and he starts breathing heavily.]
Clyde: "Lincoln, we gotta get out of here."
Kat: "The next time I see that Girl Guru, I'll totally destroy him!"
Joy: "Yeah, and his weird little friend too."
[The trash cans sprout legs and move across the hallway; reveal to be Lincoln and Clyde hiding in them popping their heads out and seeing their customers groaning in pain; they hide and a girl puts a plastic water bottle in Clyde's trash can.]
Clyde: [pops out] "Um, excuse me. That goes in the recycling."
Lincoln: "Clyde! Keep it down!"
Student: "Hey! It's them!"
[Lincoln and Clyde scream and run for it with their customers shouting indistinctly and giving chase.]
Student: "Stop!"
Lincoln: "Give them their money back." That'll stop them.
[Clyde throws their money.]
Clyde: "Here! Take it, you wild animals!"
[The enraged males ignore their refunds, too determined to get back at Lincoln and Clyde.]
Lincoln: "Huh, didn't stop them."
Clyde: "I know what to do." [stops running] "Free hugs!"
[The mob doesn't seem eager to stop for free hugs.]
Clyde: "Uh, on second thought, there may not be enough of me to go around." [continues running]

[Later that night at the Loud House, the girls are watching TV until they notice Lincoln and Clyde panting and covering the curtains.]
Lori: "Oh, boy. What did you two do now?"
Clyde: "L-L-L-Lori?" [breathing sharply and moaning]
Lincoln: "Um, you wouldn't be interested."
Lola: "Oh, we're interested. Spill!"
Lincoln: "Well, Clyde and I had to start a business for school, so we kind of, uh, charged boys for my advice about girls."
[A pause; all the girls start laughing.]
Lincoln: "Go ahead; get it out of your systems."
[All the girls still laughing.]
Lincoln: "Are you done now?"
Lori: "Uh... no." [continues laughing with her sisters.] "Lincoln, what do you know about girls?"
Lincoln: "Well, I just thought that since I had ten sisters-"
Luan: "What's true for us isn't gonna be true for every girl. We're not all the same."
Lola: "I'm not like Lana!"
Lana: "And thank goodness for that." [high fives Lola]
Lincoln: "Oh, man, you're right. What have I done? I've doled out terrible advice, and now everybody at school hates us. How am I gonna fix this?"
Clyde: "Uh, we better figure something out. I'm running out of paper bags."
Lynn Sr.: "A kitchen full of pie? I guess it's ol' Dad's lucky day!" [laughs and takes a bite as his stomach grumbles in nausea.] "Ooh, bad!"
Lincoln: "We went a little overboard on the salt."
Lynn Sr.: "I'll say. It's an as-salt on my senses!"
Luan: [laughing] "Good one, Dad."
Lynn Sr.: "Ah, sorry, Lincoln. We're just gonna have to toss the whole batch."
Lincoln: "Toss them? That's a great idea, Dad. Clyde, we're back in business."
[Dollar sign transition]

Lincoln: "How hard can it be to start a business? Pretty hard, actually. The key is to find something you're really good at, and it turns out for me that thing is..." [gets hit with a pie] "Taking a pie in the face."
Clyde: "Step right up and get your revenge on the Girl Guru. 2 dollars a pie."
[people start paying Clyde while speaking at once.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Great job, boys! This is a fantastic business idea!"
Clyde: "Thanks, Mrs. Johnson."
Mrs. Johnson: "One pie, please." [pays]
Coach Pacowski: "And two for me." [pays]
Clyde: "You know, we're running a special. Buy four and get the fifth free!"
Coach Pacowski: "Ah, even better." [throws more money] "Heck, I'll take them all!" [cackles]
Lincoln: [worrisome] "Clyde!"
Clyde: "Business is business, Lincoln. Let 'er rip!"
[An iris is about to close on Lincoln but stops; Lincoln gulps and pies splatter on him and he falls off his seat.]

v - e - d The Loud House episode transcripts
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.