The following is a transcript for the episode "Lisa Loud".
Script[]
The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
Lisa: "Greetings and welcome to this week's episode of the Listen Out Loud podcast. Coming to you live from the laboratory of Lisa Loud." [realizes] "Right. I was going to do the..." [plays a tune on her beakers] "...beaker xylophone. Just made it from some things I had lying around. Now..." [clears throat] "As resident genius of the Loud household, I spend much of my day solving the mundane problems of my family members. And while I'm happy to be of service, today I'd like to take a break and use my brainpower to solve the greater challenges of humankind. So if you have a question of gravity, literal or otherwise, I invite you to call in and Ask a Brainiac." [explosion] "Oops. Left the potassium sulfate too close to the hydrogen peroxide. That's going to leave a mark." [phone rings] "Oh, goodie! That chime means we have our first caller!" [picks up] Caller 1:[in a British accent] "'Ello, guvnah! I've got a problem I could jolly well use your help with!" Lisa: "Ah, a caller from across the pond! Though I can't quite place where in England your accent is from." Caller 1: "Er, well, just south of, um... Liver...wall...shire...township." Lisa: "How can I assist you with today, sir? A tricky question of international diplomacy, perhaps?" Caller 1: "Actually, it's a bit more of a financial challenge. You see, a cook has 40 dollars--er, pounds, to spend on groceries, and he needs to buy three tins of tomatoes, two boxes of noodles, and one bag of shredded cheese. Will he still have enough money left over for a box of ice cream sandwiches?" Lisa: "Well, that's no challenge. It's just basic addition and subtraction, but very well, I shall solve it." [goes to her chalkboard] "Let's see. Factoring in rising wheat prices, the dairy shortage, and... voila! The chef should have £4 left over, enough for one box of ice cream sandwiches. But only the generic kind." Lynn Sr.:[breaks character] "WOOHOO! I'm getting the ice cream sandos!" [to a cashier] "You can start ringing me up, my good man!" Lisa: "Wait a minute... is that you, Father?! Are you calling from the grocery store?" Lynn Sr.:[British accent] "No, guvnah! I'm in Liver...town..." Lisa: "I told you guys, I'm trying to solve the rest of the world's problems right now!" Lynn Sr.: "Sorry, sweetie, you're just so much faster with numbers. And there are like six people behind me in line." Dolores:[angrily] "Let's go, buddy!" Lisa:[sighs] "It's fine, Father. Just hurry home with those ice cream sandwiches, please." Lynn Sr.: "You got it, kiddo! Oh, dang it, I forgot the ricotta!" [pushes through the line] "Could you just hold my space in line? Thank you! Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. I see you rolling your eyes, Dolores!" Lisa:[hangs up] "Apologies for that familial intrusion, listeners. On to the next caller." [The phone rings, and she picks up] Caller 2: "Hiya, pal! I was hoping you could help me with a real brain buster! A question of economics, see?" Lisa: "Ooh! Something concerning the global markets?" Caller 2: "Uh, yeah. Something like that. Say a party host pays a clown 20 cents per balloon animal. How many critters would said clown have to make to cover the twelve bucks she spent on her rubber nose rental?" Lisa: "Well, that's no brain buster. It's simple division. The clown would have to blow up 60 balloons to break even." Caller 2: "60?! Well, that takes the air out of my plan." [She then reveals herself to be...] Luan:[laughs to rimshot] "Get it?" Lisa:[groans] "Luan! I should have recognized the voice of your hack ventriloquist dummy. You're working a birthday party, aren't you?" Luan: "Yep! But forget about blowing up balloons. I'll stick to finding quarters behind kids' ears. Way more profitable. Byeeee!" [hangs up] Lisa: "A polite reminder to my listeners: Please refrain from calling if your initials are L. Loud. Thank you." [another call arrives] "My next query!" [picks up] "Caller, you're on the air!" Caller 3:[in a Southern accent] "Well, hi there, Miss Smartypants! I've got a real pickle of a puzzle that's got me downright confounded!" Lisa: "Mmm, this sounds serious. Please proceed." Caller 3: "Suppose an author has four days to write 200 pages. If she averages eleven pages per hour plus one chai latte for motivation, how long will it take her to finish her book, and how much will she have to spend in coffee shop gift cards?" Lisa: "Hmm. What size latte are we talking here?" Caller 3: "Oh, extra large, honey. She's not messing around." Lisa: "Well, in that case..." [goes to chalkboard] "Uh, it'll take roughly 18 hours and $73 in gift cards." Rita:[breaks character] "Yikes. I'd better get cracking!" [realizes] "I mean, uh..." Lisa: "Mother? Is that you?!" Rita:[Southern accent] "Now why would you ever say that?" Barista: "Chai for Rita? I've got an extra-large chai latte for Rita Loud." Rita:[realizes she's busted] "Dang it." Lisa: "Mother, I just expressly forbade our family from calling in to my podcast." Rita: "I'm sorry, honey. I just have this crazy deadline and, well, technically you didn't say anything about callers with the initials R. Loud." Lisa: "Touché." Rita: "Gotta get writing, sweetie. Have fun with the rest of your podcast!" [hangs up] Lisa:[clears throat; angrily] "To all Louds who may be listening, L, R, or otherwise, please cease and desist!" [gets a fourth call] "Another caller!" [picks up] Caller 4: "Hello there, young lady. I have a very difficult question of dire importance." Lisa: "OK, I'm listening." Caller 4: "Now there's this kid--er, grown man, who's down to his last arcade token. The trouble is, he's still ten tickets short of the prize he wants. Which game would give him the best chance of winning those ten tickets?" Lisa: "Oh. Not sure I'd call that dire, no offense, but it does involve quite a few of my favorite subjects. Physics, geometry, probability... let me just grab my chalk-- Oops!" [another explosion happens] "I oughta move that potassium sulfate. OK, I'll need a few specifics for my calculations. What is the height of the gamer in question?" Caller 4: "Uh, four foot eight. I'm sure I'm about to hit a growth spurt." Lisa: "OK. Arm length?" Caller 4: "Uh, normal?" Lisa: "Button-mashing stamina?" Caller 4: "I would say above average." Lisa: "Hmm." [writes on chalkboard] "Aha! The best bet is skee ball. It's a great game for shorties, especially if they put some forward spin on the projectile. Plus, generous ticket dispensers." Lincoln:[breaks character] "Did you hear that, Clyde? We can still get enough tickets for those Ace Savvy wallets!" Lisa: "Lincoln?!" Lincoln:[deep voice] "Er, no..." Lisa: "Gah! Fooled by my flesh-and-blood again!" Lincoln: "Sorry, Lis, but Clyde and I have been trying to win these wallets for weeks. They glow in the dark!" Lisa:[sternly] "Goodbye, Lincoln." [hangs up] "The nerve of that white-haired pre-adolescent. Listeners, I'm beginning to think this podcast was a mistake." [phone rings] "I know that's another caller, but frankly, I'm not feeling especially- oh, for Pete's sake, fine!" [picks up] Caller 5:[in a thick Brooklyn accent] "Hey, Brains! I got a doozy of a question for ya. We in the baseball community have been debatin' this one for years!" Lisa: "Intriguing! Though I have not participated in sports balls myself, I believe I grasp the fundamentals. Go on." Caller 5: "OK, here it comes. Does choking up on the bat really help your hittin'?" Lisa: "Hmm. One moment, please, while I do some calculations." [goes to chalkboard] Caller 5: "Don't mean to rush you, chief, but, uh, you mind picking up the pace?" Lisa: "Just taking into account the density differential between wood and aluminum and... I believe I've got it!" Caller 5: "Uh, sweet! So yes or no?" Lisa: "The short answer is yes, but the long answer is a fascinating matter of rotational inertia, but-" Announcer: "Next up to bat is Lynn Loud!" Lisa: "Ugh! I should've known!" Lynn: "Yeah, no time for the lecture, Lis! Gotta go win this thing!" [hits the ball and starts running] "WOO!" Lisa:[hangs up] "Well, judging by the decibel levels, we can safely assume she hit a homer. I, on the other hand, have struck out completely, so to speak. This podcast was an utter failure. All I wanted was a chance to use my brain to help the 99.999999% of humankind that does not reside in my household. But no, I suppose I'll just play myself out on the beaker xylophone..." [plays a sad tune, someone knocks on the door] "Wait, what the? Who's there?" Louds: "Um, it's us?" Lisa: "Can't talk now! Splitting atoms!" [The door opens] Lincoln: "We came to apologize, Lisa." Luan: "Please hear us out." Lisa:[sighs] "Well, don't just stand there in the doorway. You're letting all the pressurized air out." [The Louds enter] Lynn Sr.: "We're sorry for ruining your podcast, honey." Lynn: "Yeah. I felt so bad I came straight from the game. Touched home base and just kept running!" Lincoln: "We know you wanted a chance to solve other people's problems and not ours." Luan: "You do so much to help us. The least we can do is give you a day off." Lisa: "Well, I appreciate the apology." Lynn Sr.: "Now we just have one last question for you." Lisa: "Seriously?! Did you just collectively lose your short-term memory?!" Luan: "It's the last one we'll ask today. Promise!" Lisa: "Fine. And keep in mind I have that promise on record." Rita: "Great! So we need you to identify a mystery organism based on its traits." Lisa:[scoffs] "Child's play." [cracks knuckles] "Hit me." [Lynn hits her] "OW! Lynn, I didn't mean literally!" Luan: "Okay. This organism has two legs and walks upright--" Lisa: "OK. So, a mammal. Got it." Rita: "It thrives in extreme environments..." Lisa: "Some sort of desert hare?" Lynn Sr.: "But it's native to southeastern Michigan..." Lisa: "Oh. So, not that." Luan: "It's super intelligent..." Lincoln: "And single-handedly supports an entire ecosystem..." Lisa: "Hmm. That's unusual." Lynn: "And is so awesome and so rare, there's only one in the whole world! What is it?! Go, go, go!" Lisa: "Well, it's clearly a... uh..." Louds: "Yes?" Lisa:[defeated] "I don't know! I'm truly stumped! In all my research I have never come across such an organism! In fact, I'm not sure how it can even exist." [The Louds laugh] "What?" Luan: "It does!" Lincoln: "We've seen it?" Lisa: "When? Where?" Louds: "It's you!" Lisa: "What? But I'm not a- oh, oh. I see what you did there. Thanks for the compliments." Lynn Sr.: "Least we can do." Rita: "Oh, bring it in, kiddo." [The Louds reach in for a hug...] Lisa: "WAIT! THE POTASSIUM SULFATE!" [An explosion happens. The end.]
