The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
Lola: "Hello, listeners! Yes, it's me, Lola Loud, hosting another fabulous Listen Out Loud podcast. I am backstage at the Little Miss Iron Ore Pageant." Lincoln: "It's the only local competition Lola hasn't won. She wants this crown bad. I mean, she came in second, once." Lola: "Thank you, Lincoln." Lincoln: "And even third a few times..." Lola: "I said thank you Lincoln! Listeners, my big brother is here with me today as my pageant coach. He is here to help me with every little thing I need to look Lolamazing. Lint brush!" Lincoln: "On it!" Lola: "Missed a spot. Anyway listeners, you're in for a special treat. I'll be revealing my secret pageant beauty regimen, just for you! Do you know how many competitors would love to get their hands on these deets? A lot. Don't think I can't see you snooping back there, Chinah!" [Chinah runs off crying] "Yeah you better run!" [sighing] "Such desperation." Lincoln: "Okay Lols, the workstation is all set up with your supplies. Let's get you into makeup." Lola: "Lovely." Cheryl:[rings a bell] "Yoo-hoo!" Lincoln:[drops something] "Whoops, it's okay. It was just perfume." Lola: "That'll be coming out of your paycheck." Cheryl: "We're fixing to start the talent portion. Lola, sweetie, I know as pageant coordinator, I should not be biased, but your dress is stunning!" Lola:[laughs] "Cheryl, stop. Royal blue satin with rhinestone bathing and tiered skirt ruffle frills? It's just something I had in my closet." Cheryl: "Oh come on, twirl girl, twirl!" [Lola twirls, knocking Lincoln over] Lola:[laughs] "Oh silly Lincoln, no need to fall on your knees and bow! Save it for when I win the crown." Lincoln: "I wasn't bowing, I was attacked by your ruffles." Cheryl: "Well, I best be wrangling up the next contestant! Good luck out there, sugar." Lola: "Come on Lincoln, time to stop dilly-dallying and start the makeup magic." Lincoln:[sighs] "Have a seat." Lola: "Okay, first we'll moisturize with a caviar luxe face mask. It gives my skin a radiant shine." Lincoln: "And it gives me fish fingers." Lola: "More!" Lincoln: "But the instructions say…" Lola: "Do you think I've gotten this far by following instructions? More!" Lincoln: "All right, all right." [globs more caviar on Lola] "Is it supposed to harden up like that?" Lola:[face frozen] "Yes, you can take it off now." Lincoln: "You want me to give you cake now?" Lola:[still frozen] "You can take it off now." Lincoln: "I can take a break now? Great. I'm dying to wash this fish smell off my hands." Lola:[getting frustrated] "Take the mask off!" Lincoln: "Well, I still don't know what you're saying but I'm going to take the mask off now. Good thing I brought Lana's chisel." [gets the mask off] "And just a quick rinse." [rinses Lola's face] Lola:[coughing] "Total perfection. Now we delicately add a layer of…" [gets a puff in the face] "Powder. Lincoln! I wasn't ready! My mouth was open! Tastes like lavender chalk." Lincoln: "Sorry, I really like that part." Lola: "Pageant coaches can be replaced, you know? So watch it! All right, moving on. Time for my glam pageant makeup. Unfortunately, listeners, I cannot divulge the details of my design. It's trademarked. Chinah! Beat it already!" Lincoln: "Okay, here we go. Contouring your cheekbones. Gluing on lashes. Blotting your lips. Applying primer. Eating a chip for myself." [crunches. Lola clears her throat] "Yes, yes. Wiping my hands, and voila! What do you think?" Lola: "You are amazing!" Lincoln: "Aw, thanks Lols." Lola: "No, I'm talking to myself in the mirror. Lola darling, you are a sight to behold. And now for the finale, my hair! A winning style needs volume and hold. So I use grab and clench hairspray." [Lincoln sprays Lola's hair] Lincoln: "Uh-oh, Lola, I think I'm stuck to your hair." Lola: "Well, my hair is currently flawless so you're going to have to lose a hand." Lincoln: "Lola!" Lola: "Fine, just make it snappy.
[Lincoln rips himself free. Lola screams] Lincoln: "Did that hurt?" Lola: "Just, get the hairdryer, please? Listeners, I usually spend ten minutes under the dryer, but today, we don't have that kind of time, so we're bringing out the big guns!" [Lincoln drags something heavy] Lincoln: "Lisa invented a jet-powered dryer just for Lola. We've never used it before so let's hope it works." Lola: "Crank it, all the way!" [Lincoln does so, Lola gets blown away] Lincoln: "Lola! Where did you go?" Lola:[coughing] "I landed in this bin of sequins. Get me out of here!" [Lincoln does so] Lindsay Sweetwater: "Lola Loud. Swimming in tacky costume jewelry. Ha! That's about right." Lola: "Hello Lindsay Sweetwater. Nice curtains, I mean, dress." Lindsay Sweetwater: "Well, I didn't realize they just let anybody into this pageant." Lola:[laughs] "Um, honey, I was born to be Little Miss Iron Ore." Lindsay Sweetwater:[scoffs] "I'll bet you don't even know anything about iron ore." Lola: "Like I wouldn't know the name of the woman who started the pageant." Lincoln: "Um, actually, iron ore is a mineral…" Lindsay Sweetwater: "Wow Lola, surprised you got that right." Lincoln: "And never mind." Cheryl: "Lindsay, hon, you're up!" [walks up] "You ready?" Lindsay Sweetwater: "Yes, ma'am." [plays her bagpipes] Cheryl: "Mercy alive, that bagpipe reminds me of when my daddy's old goose got the croup. In a good way. Let's get you on stage. Lola, baby doll, you're up after Lindsay." Lindsay Sweetwater: "Good luck Lola. Hope nothing goes wrong with your performance." Lola:[growls] "That Lindsay. Please let her get sucked into her own bagpipe." Lincoln: "Hey now, don't let her get to you. Remember, judges always love your ribbon dancing routine." Lola: "You're so right." [takes a breath] "Okay, I'll do warm-ups. Can you get my ribbon wand for me, please?" Lincoln: "Sure thing." [goes to get it] "Uh-oh..." Lola: "Lincoln, there are two things a beauty contestant never wants to hear. Uh-oh, and runner up." Lincoln: "Promise you won't get mad." Lola:[laughs] "I'd never make such a foolish promise. What!?" Lincoln: "Well, I better tell you anyway. Your wand is missing." Lola: "What!? But I left it right here on the counter! What happened to it?" Judge: "Please welcome to the stage, Lindsay Sweetwater." Lola:[gasps] "You know what? I bet that lowdown lizard-eyed Lindsay hid it just to get me disqualified! Well, Lola Loud does not go down that easy. Hurry! We have to find it." [they search] "Maybe she put it in the girls' bathroom. I'll go look." [rampages into the girls' room and starts kicking at stalls] Woman: "Do you mind?" Girl #1: "I'm in here." Girl #2: "Excuse you." Lola: "Pageant emergency! Has anyone seen my ribbon wand?" [gasping] "There it is! Sticking out from under that stall door!" [grabs what she thinks is her ribbon. The girl in the stall screams] Girl #3: "Stop it! That's my dress!" [they struggle, then the toilet flushes] "Aw, man." Lola: "Sorry!"
[exits] Lincoln: "Any luck?" Lola: "Zilch. And we're running out of time. It sounds like Lizard Lindsay's on her grand finale." Lincoln: "Hey, there's the exit doors. Maybe she tried to ditch the wand in the alley." Lola: "Good thinking. Come on!" [they go outside] "Check inside those trash cans." Lincoln: "Me?" Lola: "Well, I can't do it! I'm about to go on!" Lincoln:[sighs] "Fine." [goes in] "The wand's not in any of these, but I did find a lot of press-on nails, eyelashes and hair extensions. Bleh." Flip: "Psst, maybe I got what you need, chief." Lincoln: "Flip?" Lola: "What are you doing out here?" Flip: "Hey, I don't know this Flip fella, but feel free to peruse my cart. Check out the sign." Lincoln: "Jimmy's Jewels and Gems?" Flip: "Jimmy at your service. I got the finest knock-off jewelry. Crowns, sashes, trophies, you name it. Ah, let's be real. Not all of those show ponies in there are coming out champs. But, with Jimmy right here, each of them can at least look like a winner." Lola: "You don't happen to have a ribbon dance wand in here, do you?" Flip: "Hmm... Closest I got is this push-button magic fairy scepter." Lincoln: "Um, tacky. Come on Lola, we have to keep--" Lola: "Name your price, Jimmy." Lincoln: "Lola!" Lola: "But it matches the pair of kitten heels I have. Fine, fine. Let's go!" [they go back inside, Lola prepared to cry] Cheryl: "Biscuits and bacon grease, there you are, Lola! I've been looking everywhere for you! You're on right now! You're the last one!" Lola: "But Cheryl, I need more time! Can you stall? Just a teensy bit?" Cheryl: "Oh, sugar, we're trying. Norm the janitor's out there right now but his mop bucket drum solo is going down in flames. Pee-yew." [the crowd does not like Norm] "Hey, y'all! Stop throwing that produce at Norm! Tomaters are for frying, not flinging!" Lola:[sighs] "Well, that's it. I'm gonna have to go out there and tell those judges that I am disqualified." [starts to cry] "And I really wanted to win this pageant." Lincoln: "Now, wait just a ding-dang minute. This isn't the Lola Loud I know." Lola: "It's okay, Lincoln. You don't have to do the pageant coach thing anymore. I'll still pay you for your time. Not quite as much, but you know, you understand." Lincoln: "Forget that. This is your brother talking. I've never seen you give up. Whether it's a pageant or the last waffle at breakfast! The Lola I know would find a way to go out there and perform!" Lola: "You're absolutely right. After all, I am good at so many things. Hmm, let's see." [gasps] "Ah-ha! I'll just take the caps off these bottles of sparkling water. Then, use some eyelash glue and stick the caps on the bottoms of my shoes. "[tapping]" Ta-da! I'm gonna wow those judges with tap dancing like they've never seen! Thank you, Lincoln. You're the best pageant coach. And an even better big brother!" Lincoln: "Thanks Lols, go break a leg." [Lola goes on] "Ooh, sparkling water. Dang, it. Where are the paper towels?" Judge: "And finally, please welcome to the stage… Lola Loud!" [Lola does her tap dance performance] Lincoln: "Go Lola!" [everyone loves it] "That's my little sister!" Judge: "Well folks, that certainly was impressive. The judges have all tabulated their scores. And our winner is… Lola Loud!" Lola: "EEEEE, I WON, I WON, I WON!!!" [everyone cheers] "Thank you, Linky!" [she and Lincoln hug] "Listeners, the crown is mine and it looks amazing." [sighs] "I bet Mrs. Iron Ore would be so proud of me. No thanks to you, Lindsay!" Lindsay Sweetwater: "Um, I'm sorry, what are you talking about?" Lincoln: "Like you don't know. Hiding Lola's wand so she'd be disqualified." Lindsay Sweetwater: "It wasn't me." Lola:[sarcastically] "It wasn't me. Oh, yeah? Then swear on my crown!" Lindsay Sweetwater: "I swear, I never even touched it." Lola:[gasps] "Well now, I know you're telling the truth. I'm sorry I accused you, Lindsay. But if you didn't take my ribbon off the counter, then who?" Cheryl: "Oopsie-doodle." Lola & Lincoln: "Cheryl!?" Cheryl: "I'm sorry, little angels. I saw it laying there and thought it was my hair ribbon. Takes a lot to keep this haystack in place. Here, let me take it out." Lincoln: "The ribbon turned on Lisa's jet engine hairdryer." Flip: "Crowns, sashes! Come and get them." Lola: "Flip, look out!" Flip: "It's not Flip, it's Jimmy!" [gets blown away] Lincoln: "Lola, we better go help him." Lola: "You are so right. Otherwise, I'd never get my hands on that magic fairy scepter. Well, loyal listeners, thanks bunches for joining me backstage! Until next time, this is Lola Loud reminding you, think fabulous, be fabulous. Toodles." [they go to help Flip] Cheryl:[sees the mic] "Hoo-hoo, well butter my buns. Is this little old gadget a voice recorder? Test. Test. It's like the intercom. ♪ Well hush my puppy and collard my greens Fixing a mess of cornbread for my ham hocks and beans ♪" Lola: "Cheryl! Flip's stuck in a bin of sequins! We need help!" Flip: "It's Jimmy!" Cheryl: "Oh sure, I'll be right there, sugar."
