The following is a transcript for the episode "Middle Men".
[The episode starts off at the Loud House.]
Lynn: "Huh, ahh!" [She kicks open the door and sniffs something.] "Do I smell cookies?"
Lola: [Brushing her doll's hair] "Yeah, but don't waste your time, they're 'not for family'."
Lynn: [walks over to the kitchen where Lincoln and Clyde are making cookies.] "Hey, Stinkin', think fast!"
[Lincoln and Clyde dodge the basketball while Lynn grabs a cookie when they were not looking. Then, the ball bounces off the fridge and aims at Lincoln at Clyde as they dodge again.]
Clyde: "That’s okay, we needed a taste tester. I'm worried the bottoms are soggy."
Lynn: "Nope, nice crunch. What are they for?"
Lincoln: "Clyde and I have middle school orientation tomorrow."
Lynn: [Spits out cookie] "You guys are coming to my school?"
Clyde: [Takes off the crumbs] "Yeah, we got assigned an eight grade buddy who's gonna take us around, and show us what the next three years of our lives would be like."
Lincoln: "And we wanna make a good impression, so we're coming prepared." [Pulls out a picture then moves his fingers as if he had sprinkles.] "Designed these ourselves."
Lynn [Grabs the picture] "Clincoln McCloud-BFFS. Cookies and business cards? That's your plan?"
Clyde: "I'm also planning to use word association, to learn everyone's names."
[Moves hands by the opposite directions.] Like Lynn; once bruised my shin."
Lynn: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, time out. This stuff might fly in elementary school, okay? But middle school is different. It's the jungle. If you walk in their looking like a couple of weak chumps, you'll get eaten alive."
Lincoln & Clyde: "Eaten alive?"
Clyde: "Does that mean we should reconsider wearing matching turtlenecks?"
Lynn: [Groans and calls up the principal] "Don't worry, LJ's got your back. Ahem, yo, Principal Ramirez? Lynn Loud. Hey listen, who can I talk to about becoming an orientation buddy?" [Winks]
Clyde: [to Lincoln] "Psst, don't throw out those business cards, they might still work for high school.
[Scene changes to where Royal Woods Middle School is at as the bus arrives, then everyone walks out the bus.]
Clyde: [impressed] "Lincoln, check out those columns! You think they're real marble?"
Lincoln: "Probably, this place is so much bigger than our school. Good thing they gave us maps."
Lynn: [She is seen behind a big guy] "Eh, huh? Guys, guys, guys, ditch the maps!" [tosses Lincoln's map away] "First rule of survival: Don't act like a total noob."
Clyde: "But, we are noobs."
Lynn: [giggles] When some upper classman realizes that, you'll be a prime target for pranks!" [looks back to see if anyone hears what she's gonna say.] "Like the kid who asked an eighth grader for directions on the first day of school."
[Lincoln and Clyde grow shocked to hear that. Flashback to that time.]
Lynn: [narrating] "That poor fool got sent on a wild goose chase on the tunnels in school, then she didn't make it out until the day was over."
Lincoln & Clyde: [gasps, writes down...] 'Don't... be... noobs."
[Later, the bell rings as students went to their classes.]
Lynn: "Okay, homeroom. There's no assigned seats, so it's time for rule number two: Don't get stuck with a crummy desk. Move out!"
Clyde: [walks to a desk where at the same time, a girl with pigtails approaches the same one.] "Oh, sorry, please, it's all yours. I'd pull out the chair for you, but [clears throat] it's attached."
Lynn: [facepalms] "Wrong. [runs up to where Clyde and the girl are standing.] Hey! Back off, pigtail. My buddy saw this first! [She takes the desk, and places it near Clyde and Lincoln.] Huaghh! Boom! Dominant! Nobody's messing with that. Ha!"
Clyde: "Uh, wasn't that a little aggressive?"
Lynn: Mmm... not if you don't wanna end up with the kid who got stuck with the worst desk in the room."
[Lincoln and Clyde grow shocked again. Flashback to that time.]
Lynn: [narrating] "This one kid thought she had the perfect desk, but ended up getting stuck in it so tight, that they had to call the school cook."
Cook: [Making the girl feel scared] "Sorry, kid. We're gonna have to grease you out. Got any nut allergies? [laughs evilly]
Lincoln & Clyde: [writes down...] "Don't get stuck with crummy desks..."
Lynn: "Okay, next is Bio. Suit up!" [throws lab coats at Lincoln & Clyde.]
Clyde: "Cool, I've always wanted to wear a lab coat!"
Teacher: "Welcome, 5th Graders, we are continuing with live mealworms today. So everyone grab a case from the back of the class."
Lincoln: [grabs a case and runs into Clyde. All the worms fell out and went on the fan and onto the students. They all try to get them off screaming.] Sorry guys, that was my fault. I was oddly making business- [Lynn pushes him behind the counter.] Lynn, what the heck?"
Lynn: "Rule Number Three: never own up to making a mistake."
Lincoln: "But I spilled the worms!"
Lynn: "So!? Do you wanna be like the sixth grader who- wait, hang on. Clyde needs to hear this too. [Lynn grabs Clyde] Do you wanna be like the 6th grader who owned up to farting during a standardized test?"
[Lincoln and Clyde grow shocked once again. Flashback to that time.]
Bully: "Hey look it's Farty McStink Pants!"
Lincoln & Clyde: [writes down...] Own up to nothing."
[Later at lunch, Lynn gives double meatball subs with extra sriracha to Lincoln and Clyde as they are growling.]
Lynn: [giggles] I love that angry body language! Here you go, double meatball subs with extra sriracha."
Clyde: "Thanks, I'm normally not a hot sauce guy, but after this morning, I'm feeling dangerous." [Takes a bite at the same time as Lincoln does.]"
Lynn: "Great, so my rules are sinking in?"
Lincoln: [swallows some of the sub] "Yeah, some kid just came over to ask if she can borrow a chair, and guess what Clyde said."
Clyde: "I don't think so, pal!"
Lynn: "Boom, [gives a high five to Clyde.] McBride for the win!"
Lincoln: "So, what are we doing after lunch?"
Lynn: "Oh, actually, we orientation buddies are supposed to let you guys fly solo for the rest of the day. See how you do on your own."
Lincoln: [nervous] "Really?"
Clyde: [also nervous] "Already?"
Lynn: "Don't worry, you guys totally got this. Now hands in!" [The three put their hands together.] "Three, two, one..."
Lincoln, Lynn, and Clyde: "DOMINATE!"
Lynn: "Wow, Clyde, your hands are so soft."
Clyde: "Oh, thank you."
Lynn: "We'll work on that." [walks away]
[Later, Lincoln and Clyde are in the hallway.]
Lincoln: "First class of the afternoon: The Wonders of Watercolors."
Clyde: "To the art department!" [The two boys are about to head off, but they realize they have no idea where the art department is.] "Uh, which way is that again?"
Lincoln: [opens his backpack and pulls out the map.] "Maybe if we just take a quick peek at the map."
Clyde: [snatches the map] "No! Lynn's first rule, remember? Don't look like a noob."
[This time, they head off when suddenly, the bell rings. The two boys gasp and all the classroom doors close.]
Clyde: "Oh no! We're gonna be tardy!"
Eighth Grader: "Hey, you guys lost?"
Clyde: [glares and marches up to him] "Nice try, bucko, but we're not falling for one of your upperclassmen pranks!" [He and Lincoln walk off while the eighth grader walks away, confused. He takes a breather.]
Lincoln: "Way to dominate, Clyde, 'bucko' was a nice touch."
Clyde: "Thanks. My dads were watching a cop show last night."
[Lincoln is mixed up by this. Later, the boys walk down a corridor decorated with art projects.]
Lincoln: "This looks like the art department. Maybe this is the watercolor room." [Opens the door, which is actually the film development lab, and everyone inside starts yelling.] "Heh, heh, is this The Wonders of Watercolors?"
Photography Girl: "No, this is Fun with Photography and you just ruined a whole month's work! I'll see you jerks after school, meet me on blacktop at 3:00." [shuts the door]
Clyde: [nervous] "You think she's inviting us to play a game of tetherball?"
Photography Girl: [opens the door] "No, that's where we fight." [shuts the door again]
[The two boys get scared and gulp.]
[Back in the hallway...]
Lincoln: "Okay, so we ticked off one photo student, but I'm sure we can smooth everything over after school."
Clyde: "I'm already writing the apology letter in my head."
Lincoln: "Come on, let's grab a seat." [drags Clyde inside the classroom]
Clyde: "Remember rule number two!"
[The two boys find two empty desks.]
Lincoln: "These look nice and sturdy."
Clyde: "Plus, we can make great eye contact with the teacher from here."
[They look confident. Just then, two students approach them.]
Byron: "Oh, hey, dudes, those are actually our seats."
Clyde: [shoots a look at Lincoln and clears his throat.] "We saw them first, bud."
Cici: [She and Byron look confused.] "Um, okay, well, seats are assigned and those are legitimately ours."
Lincoln: "Pssh, a likely story."
[The bell rings and Byron and Cici get nervous.]
Byron: "Come on, man!"
Mr. Bolhofner: [approaches the scene] "Byron, Cici, what are you doing out of your seats? I expect every student to be ready to work when the bell rings. You two just earned zeroes for participation."
[Byron and Cici gasp.]
Cici: [to Lincoln and Clyde; threateningly.] "Meet us on the blacktop at 3:00."
[Later in the gym, some kids grab basketballs from the rack Lincoln and Clyde are hiding behind.]
Clyde: [Whispering] "How can we have so many enemies? We don't even go here yet."
Lincoln: "Relax, this is our last class of the day, let's just keep a low profile and try not to make anyone else hate us."
Clyde: "Got it."
Coach Keck: [Wheeling in a TV.] "Okay people, I spent all morning buffing the dumb floor for the PTA banquet so no dodgeball today, you're watching a movie instead."
[The students are pleased with this. Clyde moves the basketball rack away.]
Clyde: "Perfect! There's no way we can mess this up."
[They run over to join the group but they accidentally slip on the buffed floor, and knock over the volleyballs, making the shelf of gym carts crash onto Coach Keck and some of the students.]
Coach Keck: [resurfaces] "Who's responsible for this?!"
Clyde: [to Lincoln] "Remember rule number three: Never own up to making a mistake."
Coach Keck: "Well, since no one's fessing to the messing, you can forget that movie." [pushes the TV away] "You're all cleaning up instead."
[The TV crashes offscreen, and the students groan. Lincoln and Clyde grow nervous. Coack Keck leaves to get the floor waxer, angrily muttering to herself.]
Clyde: [To Lincoln] "Don't feel bad buddy, if we admitted it was us, we'd be the next Farty McStink Pants."
[All the other kids, having heard that, surround Lincoln and Clyde and start yelling at them.]
Female Student: "It was you?! You're making us clean?!"
Male Student: "You meet us on the blacktop at-"
Lincoln: [Having heard all this before.] "Yeah, yeah, we know, on the blacktop, 3:00."
[At seven-to-three, the bell rings. Lynn is packing her stuff and looks out the window, where she sees her brother and his friend, and four angry middle schoolers, all headed toward the blacktop.]
Lynn: [Worried] "Uh-oh." [Quickly finishes packing, runs outside, and tackles Lincoln and Clyde behind the dumpster.] "Guys! What's going on?"
Lincoln: "Well, it's a long story, but I'm pretty sure it ends with those kids kicking our butts."
[Points over to the blacktop, where Cici draws a picture of him and Clyde, and Byron eats it.]
Lynn: "What the heck happened?"
Lincoln: "We tried following your rules, but people didn't think we're tough."
Clyde: "They just think we're jerks, and, I'm not sure I disagree."
Lincoln: [sarcastically] "Yeah, so thanks for the great advice."
Lynn: "I'm sorry. I was just trying to spare you guys from what happened to me."
Lincoln & Clyde: [dumbfounded] "Huh?"
Lynn: "Yeah, my first year of middle school was a real horror story." [Flashback to the hooded girl revealing to be Lynn and approaches two upperclassmen.] "Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to the gym?"
Upperclassmen: [looks at his friend and smiles before responding.] "Oh sure, it's real easy, [leads Lynn to the stairs.] just head down those stairs over there." [laughs]
Lincoln: "So, that story you told us...was about you?"
Lynn: "Yup." [sighs] "They were all me." [Flashback to Lynn being stuck in that desk with the cook greasing her out, and the bullies calling her "Farty McStink Pants" and Lynn hides in her locker. End flashbacks.] "I finally figured out that if I acted tough, people would stop messing with me, and since it worked for me, I thought it could help protect you guys too."
Lincoln: "Wow, I had no idea you went through all that."
Clyde: "Me neither, and it was nice of you to try and help us, even though it's gonna lead to a lot of pain." [Falls forward]
Lynn: "No it's not, because I'm gonna take the heat for you guys."
Lincoln & Clyde: [Grab Lynn and pull her back.] "No, no, no."
Lincoln: "We have to go, some of those kids might still be here next year, they're gonna think we're wimps who let other people fight our battles."
Clyde: "Though when you think about it, would that really be so bad?" [Lincoln gives Clyde a look.] "Okay, okay."
[The boys come out from behind the dumpster and walk onto the blacktop with looks showing no fear. The angry middle schoolers squint at them, Lincoln and Clyde squint right back, Lynn watches from behind the basketball post, nervous. Byron checks his watch, it beeps as the hour turns to three, Lincoln and Clyde' look at each other, and charge at the middle schoolers, flailing and screaming, when Clyde steps on Lincoln's shoelace and they fall to the ground. The middle schoolers blankly look at this, and Lynn facepalms herself, groaning.]
Lincoln: [chuckles] "I guess you guys don't have to beat us up because apparently we can do it ourselves."
[The middle schoolers look at each other for a second before laughing.]
Cici: "Ah, we weren't really gonna beat you up, we just wanted to make you sweat a little."
Lincoln: [gets up] "Well, it worked. This is my third shirt of the day." [raises his arms up, showing his pit sweat.]
[They laugh some more and Byron picks up Clyde's backpack.]
Byron: "Here, kid, you dropped your- [notices something] Hey, are these snickerdoodles?" [pulls out the cookies Clyde made.]
Clyde: "Uh, yeah, homemade. Help yourself."
[The middle schoolers each take a cookie and taste them.]
Cici: "Wow, these are good. What's your name again?"
Clyde: "I'm Clyde McBride, and this is Lincoln Loud."
Lincoln: [pulls out the card] "We're also known as Clincoln McCloud."
Photography Girl: [takes the card] "'Clincoln McCloud, BFF's'. Wow, these cards are so dorky, they're actually cool."
Byron: "Hey, Lynn, is pit stains your brother?"
Lynn: "Uh, yeah."
Byron: "He and his friend are alright." [grabs the two boys and has Lincoln on his shoulder.]
Lynn: [glad] "Yeah, I guess they are after all."
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