The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[The kids are playing in the Loud living room; Luna and Lola are doing a jam session, Leni is on the couch talking to her friend, Lynn is behind the couch kicking a soccer ball, Lincoln is reading an Ace Savvy comic, Lucy is combing Cliff, and Lisa is tinkering with one of her gadgets. Lana chases Charles, who has Mr. Coconuts within his grip, with a peeved Luan chasing Lana full-tilt.] Leni: "We should totes go to the mall together tomorrow. I saw..." [Lincoln's phone rings; it's from his dad. The vibration causes it to fall to the floor; Lincoln catches it and answers the call.] Lincoln: "Hello?" [Lynn Sr. is heard crying over the phone. His crying sounds like the distinct bleats of an alpaca. Zoom back to reveal everyone else has stopped their activities and is shocked.] Lana: "That alpaca sounds like he's hurt!" [to the phone] "Where are you, boy? I'm on my way!" Lincoln: "Uh, that's not an alpaca. It's Dad! He must've accidentally butt-dialled again." [to the phone] "Can you hear me?" [more crying; Lincoln looks towards the kitchen...]
[...where Lynn Sr., facing his laptop, is crying. The kids walk inside; Lynn Jr. zips over to Lynn Sr. and pats his back.] Lynn: "Dad, we've talked about this: you can't always win video solitaire." [Lynn Sr. stops crying for a bit.] Lynn Sr.: "This is SO MUCH WORSE!" [He turns the laptop to face the others; he is on a site titled "NOSH", with Lynn's Table entered into the search bar.] Lucy: "Nosh? What's 'Nosh'?" Lynn Sr.:[his voice wavering] "Nosh is... review site..." [sniffs] "...where people rate their restaurant experiences... with a thumbs-up... or a... thumbs-down." Lincoln: "What do ya have to worry about, Dad? Your restaurant is amazing! And everyone loves it!" Lynn Sr.: "Apparently not... everyone... Check out this clown named New_Nosher_123!" [Lynn Sr. pulls up the Nosh page for Lynn's Table, where the restaurant has received 30 thumbs down and zero thumbs up. The first three shown thumbs down are credited to the above mentioned New_Nosher_123. Lynn Sr. scrolls to the bottom of the page, where New_Nosher_123 is shown giving the restaurant more thumbs-down. The kids are looking at the reviews.] Luan: "Whoa! Thirty thumbs-down?!" Lynn:[popping up] "I heard thirty-five thumbs-down was enough to sink Unsinkable Sub Sandwich Shop." [Lynn Sr. gasps again. The kids turn their attention to him; he is crying his heart out once again, his sobbing once again sounding like the bleats of an alpaca.] Lynn Sr.: "What am I gonna do?!" [Lincoln puts a reassuring hand on his father's shoulder.] Lincoln: "Don't worry, Dad! I have an idea! We'll find this Nosher, and get him to come back to the restaurant, so you can dazzle him. And then the thumbs-down will stop forever!" [The other kids show their support for Lincoln's plan.] Lynn Sr.:[touched] "Thanks, kiddos." [The kids scamper out of the kitchen.]
[The kids, sans Lisa, are gathered in Lincoln's room.] Lincoln: "Step one: discover the identity of New_Nosher_123." [Todd, displaying an image of Lisa on webcam and carrying Lily on the bucket backpack on his back, rolls in, just a bit too close to Lola.] Lola: "Agh!" [pushes the robot away] "Yes, do come in." [crosses her arms] "There's PLENTY of room." Lisa:[from the monitor] "Apologies for my tardiness. I'm joining you remotely because I'm working with volatile vats of isotopes." [Lincoln appears to be dumbfounded for a beat or two, then rolls in a blackboard explaining the plan.] Lincoln: "Based on thumbs-down reviews of Jean Juan's, Burpin' Burger, and Aloha Comrade,-- it's highly likely that the reviewer lives in Royal Woods." [--The camera shows pictures of the above mentioned restaurants.] Lisa: "Want me to start pulling samples from my Royal Woods fecal census?" Lincoln: "Uh... that won't be necessary. I know how we can track down the unhappy Nosher. But we'll need to split up to cover more ground."
[It is night time at Royal Woods Elementary.] Lincoln: "Lola and Lana, you follow Grant as he makes deliveries, and see if he has any unhappy customers." [Grant brings in a Burpin' Burger meal which is noticeably overflowing to Principal Huggins as the twins pop in. As Huggins prepares to eat, the meal explodes with tomato ketchup. It is soon enough that Huggins and the entire desk is covered in ketchup and fries.] Huggins: "I told them they needed to get bigger take-out containers!" [The twins have been watching this.] Twins: "We found our Nosher!"
[The next scene opens at Jean Juan's the following day.] Lincoln: "Lynn and Lucy, you visit the other restaurants that got bad reviews. See if you can get any intel." [A waitress is idling; Lynn rings the bell next to her, and she is taken aback. The waiter screams in surprise as Lynn continues to ring.] Jean Juan Waitress: "You scared me half to death!" [To seal the deal, Lucy is just to the left of her.] Lucy: "I can help with the other half." [The waitress screams in terror as she launches into the air.] Lynn: "We need your help. Do you remember any difficult customers recently?" Jean Juan Waitress:[clinging onto the light fixture above her] "Other than you two?" Mr. Grouse: "It's always too cold in here!" [Bingo? A waiter brings Mr. Grouse a blanket...]"Has the menu gotten longer? Why haven't I gotten water?!" [...and a cup of water.] "Egh, I don't know why I keep coming to this place. THIS SERVICE IS DOUBLE THUMBS-DOWN!--" [...and that's just as the waiter brings him his meal. --The waiter flinches, launching the meal into the air. Mr. Grouse raspberries the waiter as he catches the meal, which is all intact.] Lynn:[ringing again] "Ding ding! We found our Nosher! Heh ha ha ha..." [The room-mate duo runs out as the light fixture the waitress was hanging on breaks.]
[Back at the Loud House.] Lincoln: "Lisa and Lily, do a technical deep-dive and see what you could find." [Lisa and Lily are in their room, both typing away on the former's desktop PC.] Lisa: "I've entered the coordinates of all the restaurants on the Nosher's warpath, and then cross-referenced those with transportation methods." [Lily looks to Lisa, and the latter nods; Lily presses the Enter key, and the computer pulls up New_Nosher_123's Nosh profile. A few seconds later, the site pulls up a picture of the Gigglin' Geezer.] Lisa: "Hmm. Fascinating. The Gigglin' Geezer is the only bus that stops at all of those locations." [gasps] "Our culprit must've been on it! The logical thing to do is hack into the Geezer's camera footage, and scan for unhappy customers." [Lily Enters again, and the computer shows some recent footage from the Geezer's security camera. Of note is Scoots with a take-out bag; she bites into the burger, then groans; something is off.] Scoots: "They forgot to add cheese!" [She spits at the elder next to her, then throws the burger at Pop-Pop.] Lisa: "We have found our Nosher." [The smart Louds fist-bump.]
[At Lynn's Table...] Lincoln: "Our Nosher could be a rejected job applicant, so Leni and I will look through the file of old resumés." [Lincoln takes out the RESUMES file and opens it. The first thing he sees is Mrs. Bernardo's resumé. Lincoln gasps.] Lincoln: "Mrs. Bernardo! She applied for a waitressing job, but Dad hired Grant instead." Leni:[gasps] "That's right! And then later, she did that one-woman show called Table for None." [Quick flash to the Table for None one-woman show.] Mrs. Bernardo: "May I take your order? Our special tonight is baked salmon with a side of... Revenge!" [tosses away the clipboard and pen she's holding; she kicks the stool] "And... si." [Back to the present.] Leni: "Mrs. Bernardo must have given the bad reviews to get back at Dad!"
[Luna and Luan are sitting with a visibly upset Kotaro.] Lincoln: "Luna and Luan, you talk to Kotaro about any run-ins with customers." Luan: "It's okay, Kotaro; just tell us what you remember about the incident." Kotaro: "The day started out like any other."
[Flashback to Flip wolfing down a corn beef hash.] Kotaro: "Flip was enjoying his usual corn beef hash, and then..." [In comes Kotaro.] Flashback Kotaro: "Can I get you a free refill?" Flip:[gulps] "Did you say 'free'?" [Kotaro nods and takes the glass] [Kotaro walks to the dispenser to give Flip the refill, but he sees a big active pipe leading out of it. He gasps and sees outside the front entrance; he gasps - Flip has led the pipe into his car as he laughs.] [The present. Luna is patting Kotaro's back.] Kotaro: "We made him pay back every drop." [Luan gives him a cup of tea] "Never seen a man so angry... Even his MUSTACHE turned red!" [The two room-mates exchange a glance; they have found their Nosher...]
[However, the two, alongside the other kids (Lisa has entered the room) weren't in an argument on which Nosher to follow. Lucy and Leni aren't the only ones engaging in this argument.] Leni: "Santa Claus!" [The others look at her in confusion. They all glare at each other, the twins, Lynn, Luna and Luan all glaring Leni's way.] Leni: "We were just saying names... right?" Lincoln:[sighs] "Guys, it's okay! We're positive it's one of these five people, right? So we just bring them all to Lynn's Table! That way, we're sure to dazzle New_Nosher_123, and he or she will stop giving bad reviews!" [Everyone agrees to the plan; Lola's phone rings, and she answers...] Lola: "It's Dad! You have Lola." [...to find a crying Lynn Sr. on the other end.] "Ugh. Another butt dial. Stop looking at reviews, Daddy! AND FIX THAT BUTT OF YOURS!" [hangs up and pockets her phone]
[Montage of the kids passing out flyers inviting them to Lynn's Table starts - first up, Lincoln passing one to his grouchy neighbor, Mr. Grouse, who is currently trimming his hedges. Mr. Grouse notices and takes the envelope...] [At the Food and Fuel, Flip walks up to the cashier of the Food and Fuel and opens the cash drawer to see an envelope. He is surprised. Meanwhile, Scoots is on the move on her scooter; an envelope is thrown at her face, Principal Huggins shakes his brown wig to find an envelope...] Huggins: "Huh?" [...and Mrs. Bernardo looks inside her trusty steed Hamlet's mouth and takes out the empty envelope, now covered in Hamlet's saliva. Hamlet neighs and produces the contents, which she, and the other recipients, start to read:] Mrs. Bernardo: "In appreciation for your patronage..." Mr. Grouse: "...at Lynn's Table..." Huggins:[wearing the brown wig] "...please enjoy a dining experience..." Scoots: "...you'll never forget." Flip: "Completely free of charge!"
[The Sun sets behind Lynn's Table. Inside, the kids and Todd, subbing for Lisa from home, are dressed and ready to serve. Lynn Sr. puts on his trusty chef's hat.] Lynn Sr.: "Okay, is everyone sweaty? -- I-I mean, ready?" Lincoln: "Yup!" [The other kids also nod; they're ready.] "You take care of the cooking, we'll take care of the rest." Lynn Sr.: "Lisa, status report!" Lisa: "All systems go. Todd has a visual of the table where our guests will be sitting." [Todd reveals a video camera protruding from his head] Todd: "IF ANYBODY GOES ON NOSH, I WILL DESTROY THEM." [Todd extends four laser blasters with malicious intent; back at the Loud house, Lisa's eyes widen at Todd's unintended behavior.] Lisa: "No, Todd! You'll report them to me!" [Back at Lynn's Table, Todd is displeased.] Todd: "DANG IT. FINE." [retracts blasters] [Back at Lisa's room.] Lisa: "Good luck, everybody; I'm going audio-only." [Back at Lynn's Table.] Lincoln: "Guys, remember..." [Lisa on Todd's screen goes audio-only.] "...we're dealing with Royal Woods' five most particular customers. No matter what happens tonight, we have to exercise extreme patience." [The camera zooms out. The Louds gaze to Lola, who is doing her make-up.] Lola: "Uh, I can feel you all looking at me, and it feels very judgy."
[Sets of cars arrive off-screen, and their doors click shut; the customers have arrived. All the Louds gasp and scatter quickly in different directions to a hiding place. Principal Huggins enters the restaurant, and Todd comes to him with a greeting.] Todd: "GOOD EVENING, SUSPECT NUMBER FIVE--" [realizes his slip-up] "I MEAN, PRINCIPAL HUGGINS. MAY I TAKE YOUR JACKET?" [Huggins hangs his jacket on the robot's head, blinding him.]'' Huggins: "Why, thank you." [Flip comes in through the door, greeted by Lana.] Flip: "You clean up well, Muddy Loud. Hey, listen: I parked down the street." [Lana's eyes go wide.] "Meter needs a quarter every 15 minutes." [Lana runs outside just as Mr. Grouse enters.] Flip: "You should probably get goin'. And don't forget to bring quarters!" Leni:[appears] "Hey, Mr. Grouse." Mr. Grouse:[grunts] "Better make this snappy. I had to move around a post-game show nap for this." Mrs. Bernardo:[bringing her horse; greeted by Luan] "Luan, thank goodness you're here." [strokes her horse] "Someone has to stay with Mommy's little Hamlet. He cannot be left alone! He'll die... of boredom." [Gives her a poop-scoop bag and a rein.] "Also, he hasn't made number two today." [walks away] Luan:[Pulls the rein] "Say, why the long face?" [She nudges Hamlet, and the horse neighs in boredom and rolls his eyes. She walks the horse to the table.] Luan: "I guess you heard that one before, huh?" [Scoots wheels in on her wheelchair with Tyler, greeted by Lincoln.] Scoots: "Tyler, do you have my heartburn medicine ready? Your girl's gonna do some damage tonight." [She high-fives him. Soon, she clenches her fist in anger while lowering herself to Lincoln's face.] Scoots: "Waiter--, don't just stand there!" [Normally] "Bring over a chair for my boo." [--Lincoln is taken aback. Scoots wheels Tyler to the table, but the wheels tread over Lincoln's foot.] Lincoln: "Ow! Right away, ma'am."
[All the customers have arrived at the big table, clamouring together and demanding orders to their respective waiters.] Lynn: "What can I get you, G-man?" Mr. Grouse: "Well, you can start with some light. I can't even read the dang menu..." [turns his phone's flashlight on, blinding Lynn] "...it's so dark in here!" [Cut to Scoots and Tyler, with Lucy taking orders.] Tyler: "I'll have... just a... um..." Scoots: "Use your big boy voice, Tyler. Tell Spooky you want chicken nuggets." Tyler:[in his big boy voice] "Chicken nuggets, please." Scoots: "And I'll have a burger. And DON'T skimp on the cheese!" [Lucy takes it down] [Meanwhile, Flip steals the utensils from Mr. Grouse's napkin, causing the latter to grumble. Principal Huggins waves while he demands his order as Luna approaches him.] Huggins: "Waiter." [Leans back on his chair.] "Waiter, my seat has a wobble. I cannot stand being off balance." [Luna groans in annoyance. All the customers begin complaining to their waiters at once. Luan cuts across the screen pulling a heavy smelly poop-scoop bag while covering her eyes and mouth.]
[By the pass, Lynn presses the bell and brings out dishes to Lola and Lana, followed by Lincoln, Lynn, Lucy and Luna. By the time Luan appears, Lynn Sr. passes a haystack to her. She struggles while carrying the weight, while her dad breathes a sigh of relief. Lana gives her dish to Mr. Grouse, but just as she's about to run off, he interrupts.] Mr. Grouse: "Well, utensils would be nice!" Lana: "Comin' right up." [her watch rings] "Oops. Be right back. Got to feed the meter." [dashes outside] [Meanwhile, Principal Huggins continues to rock his chair in annoyance as Luna approaches.] Huggins: "Waiter, it's still off-balance." [Luna sighs and grunts. As the principal rocks the chair forward, she puts her foot under one of the back legs. Huggins leans the back chair leg on her foot, causing her to suffer some pain.] Huggins: "Much better." [Cut to Flip and Mr. Grouse; the latter straightens up his napkin. Flip sneaks out a hand and grabs the latter's fork.] Mr. Grouse: "Huh? I just had that fork..." [Flip starts eating his lasagne with Mr. Grouse's fork. Lucy arrives and gives out a cheeseburger to Scoots, which the old lady angrily repels.] Scoots: "I'm not hungry yet!" [Lucy is taken aback. Declining it] "Take it back!" [Lucy walks away with the burger, and just as she is off-screen...] "All right. I'm hungry now." Mrs. Bernardo: "Oh, you there! Stagehand?" Lola:[provoked as she appears] "Again, it's Lola." Mrs. Bernardo:[complaining about her noodles] "Look at this drab presentation. It needs to be bigger! It needs to be bolder. It needs to make a statement. This just says 'Noodles and Butter'. But it needs to say..." [recklessly tosses the plate up to the ceiling; singing it] "NOODLES AND BUTTERRRR!" [The noodles fall onto Lola's head, causing her to growl in anger. Meanwhile, Mr. Grouse notices all of his utensils are missing.] Mr. Grouse: "Louds, where do you keep movin' my dang spoon?!" [Lynn Jr. sends a dish back to the pass and rings the bell.] Lynn: "The lettuce in Mr. Grouse's Caesar salad is quote 'too spicy.'" [Lynn Sr. appears and takes the salad back. Soon, the other waiters send their items back to the pass, starting with Leni with Huggins' cup of tomato juice...] Leni: "Principal Huggins' tomato juice is flat." [Lola with Scoots' cheeseburger...] Lola: "Scoots says her cheeseburger is too cheesy." [Lucy with Mrs. Bernardo's noodles...] Lucy: "Mrs. Bernardo asked for the star of the show, not the understudy." [...and Lana with Flip's Lynn-sagna.] Lana: "Flip said there's too much 'Lynn' and not enough 'sagna'." Lynn Sr.:[dreading just as Lincoln returns his dish with a sorrowful look.] "What does that even mean?! This is a disaster!" Lincoln:[confidently] "No, it's not. We're doing great." [to his sisters/waiters] "Stay focused, everyone."
[Night has fallen. The customers are enjoying their desserts.] Scoots: "Delicious." [With Lynn Sr. worried, the kids breathe a sigh of relief after hearing Scoots' statement.] Lincoln:[normally] "We did it, guys. It was rough, but tonight was a success!" Lynn:[confident] "There's no way that hater will give any more thumbs down after tonight." [Suddenly, everybody's cell phones ring simultaneously.] Luan:[suspicious] "Another thumbs down from New_Nosher_123!" Lynn Sr.:[shocked] "WHAT?! How is that even possible?" [to Lisa on his earpiece] "Lisa, did you see anything?" Lisa:[over earpiece] "Hmm... I lost visual after Grouse's New Eng-Lynn clam chowder fiasco." [Todd is indeed covered in clam chowder and repeatedly wheeling himself into the wall.] Todd: "BATHROOMS ARE DOWN THE HALL. BATHROOMS ARE DOWN THE HALL." [It's over. Whip back to the pass.] Lincoln:[remorseful] "I'm sorry, Dad. We let you down." Lynn Sr.:[takes off his chef's hat] "No, it wasn't you guys." [Lynn Sr. leaves the kitchen and, with a tinge of anger, runs to the customers' table, ready to give them a stern chat or two.] Lynn Sr.: "You... MONSTERS!" [Everyone gasps. A furious Lynn Sr. has his hands on his hips.] Lynn Sr.: "How could you give us ANOTHER thumbs down on Nosh after what my kids JUST DID FOR YOU?!" [The customers look at each other in confusion.] Lynn Sr.: "You think you're EASY guests, with your nit-picking orders and over-the-top demands?! You know what I say?" [Gives two thumbs down] "Thumbs down on ALL OF YOU!!!" [He blows a raspberry.] Scoots:[Confused] "Oh, what are you popping off about?" Mr. Grouse:[While the others are chattering in confusion] "What the heck is Nosh?" Lynn Sr.: "Wait, what? So... you have no idea what I'm talking about?" [Everyone else shakes their heads. Blinks] "Uh-huh. Excuse me one moment."
[He walks over to his children.] Lynn Sr.: "It it's not them, then who is it?" [The kids all shrug. Lynn Sr. sits at a booth in worry. Suddenly, the Louds' cell phones ding again, prompting everyone to investigate them. They get a thumbs-down yet again.] Lynn:[annoyed] "Come on! Now they're just rubbing it in!" [Lynn Sr. puts his phone behind his back and folds his arms. Suddenly, their cell phones ding again, prompting everyone - except Lynn Sr. who tries to find his - to investigate them. Lincoln takes note of this peculiarity...] Lincoln: "Wait a minute! Dad, let me see your phone." [his dad passes his phone to him. He reads the message and gasps, seeing that...] "You're New_Nosher_123! Well, your phone is. When it's not busy butt-dialing us, it must have accidentally created an account and started hitting thumbs down." [Shows the result to the rest of the family. The sisters and Lynn Sr., sans Lucy gasp.] Lucy: Gasp! Lynn Sr.:[seeing all this was HIS own doing] "O-M-Nosh!" [sees the customers all glaring at him for his treatment towards them; laughs nervously while his kids smile nervously at the customers] "It's a... funny story, and you are, uh, going to love this." [more nervous laughs, as he knows he's got a lot of explaining to do.]
[The next day, in the Lynn's Table kitchen, Lynn Sr. stands opposite the Loud children and Todd, with Lisa appearing on the screen.] Lynn Sr.: "Thanks for doing this again, kiddos. You're really helping me win back the guests I insulted." Mr. Grouse:[Offscreen] "Loud, less chitchat, more chowder~" [The Louds and Todd look through the pass; the customers start complaining again.] Huggins: "My ice is cold!" Lynn Sr.: "Don't worry, kids. It's only once a week for the next year!" [Laughs] "We can do this." Todd: "SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. TODD OUT." [He rips off his bowtie and rolls out of the building, breaking through the wall.]
