The following is a transcript for the episode "Musical Chairs."
Script[]
The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[Open at Royal Woods Middle School; Mr. Bolhofner's trailer.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Now, if you ever get swallowed by a whale, there are three things to remember. One, locate the blowhole." [Lincoln is trying to take notes when Chandler kicks his seat] Lincoln:[groans] "Can you quit it, Chandler?" [Chandler kicks his seat even more] "Every day, you mess with my seat and it's super distracting. Can't you just let me sit in peace?" Mr. Bolhofner: "Hey, Loud!" [Lincoln gasps] "Zip the lip!" Lincoln: "But Mr. Bolhofner, it's not me!" Mr. Bolhofner: "That'll be one detention. Wanna try for another?" [Lincoln groans. The clock changes; later, Chandler rubs his feet on a rug and uses the static electricity to jolt Lincoln.] Lincoln:[groans] "Enough, Chandler!" Chandler: "Whoa! Chill, man!" [Lincoln sits back in his seat, only for a farting noise to play.] Classmates: "EWWW!" Chandler: "Yuck, Loud! Lay off the bratwurst!" Mr. Bolhofner: "Cuttin' the cheese in my class? That's a second detention, Loud." [Lincoln finds a whoopee cushion on his seat] Chandler:[takes it back; mockingly] "Oops. Must've misplaced this thing." [Lincoln growls.]
[Later, the bell rings. Lincoln enters Mr. Bolhofner's trailer] Lincoln: "Hi, Mr. Bolhofner. Got a sec?" [Mr. Bolhofner is listening to death metal music while using his chicken drumstick as an actual drumstick and eating it. Lincoln sneaks up on him and touches him on the shoulder; both yelp as Mr. Bolhofner throws his drumstick into Hank's tank.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Don't you ever sneak up on a man eating chicken, Loud! What do you want?" Lincoln: "Well, Mr. B, the thing is, I was hoping you can move my seat." Mr. Bolhofner: "No way." Lincoln: "It's just sitting in front of Chandler is really distracting." Mr. Bolhofner: "Let me tell you something, Loud. I once played dead for 14 hours while a pack of hungry jaguars whipped me around the jungle like a rag doll. Hardship builds character. Now go grab that chicken bone from Hank on your way out. He's on an all-veggie diet." [He dons his headphones again as Lincoln notices Hank devour the chicken bone.]
[Lunchtime. Lincoln is dejected as he sits with his friends.] Clyde: "What's wrong, Lincoln? You've barely touched the cheesecake bites I made you. Is the cheese-to-cake ratio not to your liking?" Lincoln: "No, Clyde. The ratio is perfect, per usual. It's just, I don't know what to do. Bolhofner won't change my seat." Rusty: "Three words, bro: Butter him up." Liam: "Oh, he ain't wrong." [grabs a stick of butter] "One time Virginia, she got her head stuck in a fence and we used a whole mess of margarine to get her out. The key is to rub it around the jowls like so." [rubs the butter on his cheeks] [Lincoln and Clyde both look disgusted at Liam's act.] Clyde: "Ugh." Rusty: "I meant he's gotta charm the man." Liam:[chuckles] "I knew that. Just testing y'all." [eats the butter] Rusty: "A while back, I wanted to go skydiving with my cousin, Derek, but my dad wouldn't let me, so I spent the whole week doing nice things for him. And bam, check it!" [plays a video of him skydiving while screaming] Lincoln: "Hmm. Maybe I should try buttering up the Hof."
[Early the next morning, Mr. Bolhofner enters his trailer to see Lincoln wiping something off his board.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Huh?" Lincoln: "Oh, hey, Mr. B. I thought I'd come in before school started and help you kick off the day. I washed what I hope was marinara sauce off the board and organized your sword collection. I even fed Hank!" Mr. Bolhofner: "What?! No! He's only supposed to eat once a week!" [A burp is heard from Hank's tank. Hank is overly swollen and can barely fit in his tank as it cracks from his size. Lincoln groans.]
[Later, Mr. Bolhofner is tracking a bear in the woods when Lincoln comes in disguised as a shrub.] Lincoln: "Hey, Mr. B!" Mr. Bolhofner: "Loud, what are you doing here? And why are you dressed like a shrub?" Lincoln: "I know you like to spend your free time in the great outdoors, and I thought you could use some snacks." [brings out a picnic basket] "I got berries, salmon fritters, and my personal favorite, graham crackers with honey!" Mr. Bolhofner:[swipes the basket out of Lincoln's hands] "GET THAT OUT OF HERE!" Lincoln: "Yeesh. Someone is hangry." Mr. Bolhofner: "No! I'm tracking a bear and you just served up a bear buffet!" [A bear's roar is heard. A bear walks around sniffing the ground when it spots the two, snarls, roars, and proceeds to chase them] Mr. Bolhofner:[grabs Lincoln and flees] "RUN!!!!" [The bear spots Lincoln's picnic basket and licks its lips in anticipation for the feast.]
[Back at Royal Woods Middle School, Mr. Bolhofner is perusing the options for snacks at the vending machine when he smells smoke.] Mr. Bolhofner:[sniffs] "Smoke?" [He runs in its direction, only to stumble upon Lincoln and company making a smoke signal and perusing Mr. Bolhofner's survival guide.] Lincoln: "Oh, hey, Mr. B. I just finished reading that survival guide you wrote, so I was showing my friends here how helpful your heat sourcing technique is." Mr. Bolhofner: "Loud, not indoors!" [The bell rings, and the water sprinklers activate, drenching everyone nearby. Mr. Bolhofner only growls and leaves. Lincoln throws the survival guide away.]
[Later, the bell rings. Lincoln and Clyde walk the halls] Lincoln: "I give up, Clyde. I think Bolhofner is officially 'butter-up'-proof." Clyde: "Sorry I can't help, bud. Bolhofner gives me the heebie-jeebies, which are way worse than the creepy-crawlies and the jeepers-creepers." [Just then, they hear bass drum pounding.] Lincoln:[forced to yell over the noise] "I think it's coming from the music room." [They peek into the music room to find Mr. Bolhofner snarling as he plays the drums] Lincoln: "Mr. B, I didn't know you played the bass drum." Mr. Bolhofner: "Well, now you do. I like it 'cause I can pound the heck out of it!" [He bellows and pounds the drums again; Clyde bolts out of the room screaming] Lincoln: "Wow. Those were some... sick beats." Mr. Bolhofner: "Wow. You mean that? I've been practicing a lot. I'm even thinking about joining a band... if I could ever find one." Lincoln:[gets an idea; gasps] "What if I knew of a band you could join? Would you be interested?" Mr. Bolhofner:[delighted] "Ooh! Golly gee, would I ever be!" [realizes] "I mean, I'd consider it." Lincoln: "Good, 'cause I have just the guys."
[Later at the Loud House garage.] Lynn Sr.: "I love the idea of adding a bass drum, kiddo, but this might not be the time." Rodney: "Yeah, we got a primo gig coming up at your dad's restaurant, and I want to keep all eyes on the Rod-man." Kotaro: "Plus, it'll be hard to bring someone else up to speed by then." Lincoln: "Come on, at least hear him play." Lynn Sr.: "Well, I guess we could give him a shot. Have him send us a demo tape." Lincoln: "No need. He's right outside. Come on in, Mr. B!" [Mr. Bolhofner opens the garage and immediately pounds the bass drum. The Doo Dads approve] Rodney: "Dig that beat!" [The Doo Dads immediately start playing. Mr. Bolhofner proceeds to happily join them. Lynn Sr. gives his son a wink.] Lincoln:[leaves] "Have fun, Mr. B! See you in class tomorrow!"
[The next day at Mr. Bolhofner's trailer. Mr. Bolhofner is grading papers] Mr. Bolhofner: "Nope." Lincoln:[enters] "So, Mr. B, how was the band practice? That I set up, which I was glad to do, by the way?" Mr. Bolhofner:[chuckles] "Yeah, right. Ugh." Lincoln:[sighs] "I guess I'll take my seat, then." [Chandler has set up a bucket of hot sauce above Lincoln's seat, laughing. Lincoln winces.] Mr. Bolhofner: "That's not your seat, Loud! You sit there now." [He points to Lincoln's new seat, which has a bright light upon it.] Lincoln:[smugly] "Bye-bye, Chandler." [leaves to his new seat] [Chandler groans as he dumps the hot sauce on the seat, destroying it in the process. Lincoln relaxes in his new seat, and is elated to find it can recline at the push of a button.] Lincoln: "Whoa." Student: "Chocolate?" [offers a box of chocolates] "I always have extras." Lincoln: "Wow, thank you!" [takes them] Student: "Oh, and if you ever get tense, I keep a massager under my desk! Feel free to use it!" Lincoln: "Really? I wouldn't want to impose-" [the student puts the massager on Lincoln's neck. It starts buzzing.] "Oh, yeah." [the bell rings. The student reaches for the massager] "Leave it."
[At the Loud House, the Doo Dads (now with Mr. Bolhofner) prepare to rehearse] Lynn Sr.: "We're the Doo Dads and this is 'Hot Rods and Dad Bods'." [chuckles] "One, two, three, hit it!" [They start playing. Harold begins an impromptu accordion solo before Mr. Bolhofner shoves his drumstick into the accordion.] Mr. Bolhofner: "That's not the song!" Harold: "I was jammin' out, taking the accordion for a little walk." Mr. Bolhofner: "Jamming is for hippies! Now let's pick up where we left off!" [Lynn Sr., Kotaro, and Rodney are huddled together, shivering. Later, Mr. Bolhofner continues playing his bass drum when Lynn Sr. and Kotaro annoy him with their cowbells.] Mr. Bolhofner:[bursting with rage] "ENOUGH! I CAN'T STAND THOSE COWBELLS!" Lynn Sr.: "Well, B-Hof... can I call you B-Hof?" [Mr. Bolhofner snarls] "Right." [chuckles] "Mr., uh, Bolhofner, this is kind of a cowbell band." [starts playing] Mr. Bolhofner: "NOT ANYMORE!" [crushes Lynn Sr.'s cowbell with his grip] "Looks like we need some changes around here." [leaves] Lynn Sr.:[whimpering] "My cowbell..."
[Much later, Lincoln returns home whistling] Lincoln: "Hey, guys. How did practice go?" [notices something is up] "Whoa, new look?" [The Doo Dads are clad in death metal attire, with Lynn Sr. and Kotaro's cowbells replaced with cow skulls and bones.] Rodney: "Bolhofner's idea. He said our faces were too soft." Lynn Sr.: "Look, kiddo, we all appreciate you trying to elevate our sound, but… Bolhofner isn't really working out." Harold: "Yeah, he yelled at Kotaro so hard, he tinkled a little." Kotaro: "Did not!" Lynn Sr.: "Sorry, bud, but tonight's gig is super-important and he's gotta go." [Harold nods in agreement] Lincoln: "No! Please don't kick Bolhofner out! This kid, Chandler, who used to sit behind me in class, would kick and poke me all day. The only reason Bolhofner let me move my seat is because I got him into this band. If you guys kick him out, it's back to the misery seat for me." Lynn Sr.:[sighs and comforts his son] "That sounds rough, bud. Alright, B-Hof can stay." Lincoln: "Really?" Rodney: "Of course. We're dads." Harold: "Helping our kids is what we do." [Lincoln and Lynn Sr. grin at each other.]
[That night at Lynn's Table.] Clyde: "It's a packed house tonight." Lincoln: "It is pretty crowded, huh?" Clyde: "Boy, I hope our dads brought their A-game." Lincoln: "I'm sure they'll do great." [The lights turn off... only for a sign reading Raging Bolhofners to cover the Doo Dads banner as Mr. Bolhofner takes center stage.] Mr. Bolhofner: "The Doo Dads are doo dead. We are..." [cue spotlight] "...RAGING BOLHOFNERS!" [The newly-dubbed Raging Bolhofners start playing aggressive music] Lincoln and Clyde: "WHAT?!" [The force of the aggressive music pushes customers away as Mr. Bolhofner screams unintelligibly into the microphone.] Lincoln: "This is awful!" [The customers stampede out of Lynn's Table, not wanting to deal with the Raging Bolhofners' style.] Customers: "I hate it so much!" [Out of desperation, Lincoln approaches the power switch and flicks it off.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Who cut the power?" Lincoln:[turns it back on] "I did." Mr. Bolhofner: "Why the heck would you do that? I was getting ready for my 14-minute solo!" Lincoln:[takes a deep breath] "Mr. Bolhofner, you're fired." [The Doo Dads gasp] Lynn Sr.: "Linc, are you sure about this?" Lincoln:[nods] "You're making the rest of the band miserable, so I'm firing you. And if that means moving me back to my old seat, then so be it." Mr. Bolhofner:[sighs] "You're all in agreement about this?" Doo Dads: "Mm-hmm." Mr. Bolhofner: "Fine. I'll go, then..." [glares at Lincoln] "And I'll see you in class tomorrow, Loud." [Lincoln sighs]
[The next day at Mr. Bolhofner's trailer. Lincoln takes a deep breath and approaches the seat in front of Chandler's] Chandler:[stretching] "I heard you might be getting your old seat back, Loud, so I wore my steel toe boots for the occasion." [Lincoln prepares to sit in his old seat, but...] Mr. Bolhofner: "Loud, what are you doing?!" Lincoln: "Uh, sitting in my seat, Mr. Bolhofner, sir." Mr. Bolhofner: "That's not your seat." Lincoln and Chandler:[shocked] "It's not?!" Mr. Bolhofner: "Look, what I did to the Doo Dads was wrong. I had some time to reflect last night at Brazilian jiu-jitsu and I looked down at the guy I head in a headlock and realized I've got a lot to learn about playing nice with others, so I sent my ex-bandmates an apology gift." [Cut to the Doo Dads nervous to open the gift, which is not only wrapped in a pink bow, but also in chains. Lynn Sr. is holding a hockey stick and poking the gift.] Lynn Sr.: "You open it." Rodney: "No, you open it." [Back to the classroom] Mr. Bolhofner: "I told you that hardship builds character, but so does standing up for what's right. You're OK in my book, Loud, so get to your new seat. Now!" [Lincoln frantically rushes to the new seat, but Chandler claims it] Chandler: "Too slow, Lincoln Lame. If you want me out of your precious seat, you're gonna have to make me move." [Lincoln swipes the seat's button and presses the eject button. Chandler is launched out of the seat, landing rear-first into Hank's tank. Outside the trailer, Chandler screams in pain as Hank bites his rear end, causing nearby birds to fly away. The end.]
