The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount Skydance and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[One morning in the kitchen, Lincoln comes in yawning in his pajamas while Luan pours a glass of fruit juice.] Luan: "Hey, Lincoln. Want some punch?" Lincoln: "Sure!" [Luan takes out an extendable boxing glove and punches her brother with it, sending him flying and screaming through the kitchen and laughs at his expense.] Luan: "If that joke knocked you out, don't miss my performance in the Junior Comedian's Contest this Saturday at the Chortle Portal." [holds up a flyer for the contest and gives it to Lincoln.] "It's sure to generate a lot of..." [offers to help Lincoln up, and shocks him with a joy buzzer in her hand.] "...buzz!" [laughs and runs off] [Lori and Leni are putting on their makeup in the bathroom. Lori with a mascara and Leni with a lipstick. Luan barges in, making them ruin their faces.] Luan: "Did you guys hear that the lipstick and the eyeliner got into a fight? Don't worry. They'll makeup!" [laughs and nudges Leni] "Get it?" [Lori and Leni sigh as Luan gives them a flyer.] Luan: "Come see me perform in the Junior Comedian's Contest this Saturday. It'll definitely leave you feeling..." [flushes the toilet] "...flushed!" [Luna screams from the toilet flushing because the water became hot. Luan gives her older sister a flyer much to her annoyance. Lisa is busy working on some chemicals only for Luan to barge in.] Luan: "Hey, Lisa, what's 3.14159?" Lisa: "Pfft. Don't waste my time. That's pi." Luan: "Did you say pie?" [pelts Lisa with one and laughs] "I'll be serving up a big slice of comedy at the Chortle Portal, Saturday night." [gives Lisa a flyer] [Lisa wipes her glasses' lenses with the flyer. Lynn and Lucy's room.] Luan:[knocking on Lucy's coffin] "Knock knock!" Lucy:[from inside] "Who's there?" Luan: "Ivan." Lucy: "Ivan who?" Luan:[opens the coffin holding Edwin as Lucy hissed; Transylvanian accent.] "Ivan to suck your blood!" Lucy: "Please don't touch Edwin." [takes Edwin back and closes her coffin.] Luan: "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be a pain in the neck!" [laughs] "Hey, come see my act at the Chortle Portal. [puts the flyer inside the coffin] I promise it won't bite!" [laughs] [As she leaves, she places a whoopee cushion on Lucy's desk where Lynn arrived with her football and sits down and falls for the trick.] Luan: "Gas what? You're invited, too!" [gives Lynn a flyer] [Lola and Lana's room. Lola is having a tea party with her dolls.] Lola: "Thank you all for coming to my tea party. Who would like a finger sandwich?"' [offers them] [Mr. Coconuts suddenly appears on the tray.] Mr. Coconuts: "Finger sandwich? I was hoping for toe-fu! Har har! Get it, toots?" [Lola gets annoyed as Luan gives her a flyer.] Luan: "Don't be a dummy. Come to my show." [gives more to Lola's dolls and leaves.]
[In the living room, the other siblings are talking about what Luan did to them earlier. Lily is seen chewing on the table.] Lincoln: "I got punched!" Luna: "I got flushed!" Lisa: "I got pie'd." Lola:[unimpressed] "Toe-fu? Really?" [Enter Lana with an egg yolk and a flyer on her head; she sighs.] Lincoln: "Let me guess. Luan?" Lana: "Ugh. She said she had a "yolk" that would "crack me up". PS: it didn't." [Luan is coming downstairs with Mr. Coconuts and hears what they're saying.] Lynn: "I can't wait for her Chortle Portal thing to be over. [while bouncing her basketball] She's been driving me nuts!" Lola:[getting a manicure from Leni] "Tell me about it! It's not even funny! It's just obnoxious!" Leni: "She's so annoying!" Lincoln: "I wish she would just stop!" Lola: "Yeah!" Leni: "Totes!" Lori: "Seriously!" Lana: "I know! It's not cool!" [Upon hearing this, Luan becomes depressed, closes Mr. Coconuts' eyes, and walks back upstairs.]
[The next day, same setup as yesterday with Lincoln and Luan.] Lincoln:[notices Luan pouring fruit punch and flinches.] "Oh, boy. Is that punch?" Luan: "Yep. Want some?" Lincoln:[holding a skillet] "Not this time!" [He holds it up for protection, but to his surprise, Luan just pours a glass and gives him some.] "Oh. Thanks?" [Luan walks off and goes to the bathroom to see Lori and Leni doing what they did yesterday.] Luan: "Hey, guys, do you know what happened to my hairbrush?" Lori:[sarcastically] "I don't know, Luan. What did happen to your hairbrush?" Luan: "Oh. Never mind. There it is." [takes it and leaves much to the befuddlement of her older sisters.] Luna:[pops her head out of the shower.] "That was totally weird, dudes." Leni: "I know. She didn't even do this." [flushes the toilet, again making Luna scream from the hot water.] [Lisa and Lily's room] Lisa:[finishing a math equation] "Chyeah! I solved it! I do not know why Pythagoras couldn't hack this one. It's a piece of cake." Luan:[enters] "Did you just say piece of cake?" Lisa:[nervous] "Oh, boy. Here comes the dessert projectile!" [puts on a gas mask for protection.] Luan:[looking at the equation] "'Cause it looks really hard to me. Congratulations." [shakes Lisa's hand and leaves] Lisa:[baffled] "Felicitations instead of frosting? I don't understand." [Luan goes into Lucy and Lynn's room.] Luan:[knocking] "Knock knock." Lucy and Lynn:[sarcastic] "Who's there?" Luan: "Me. I need to borrow a dollar." Lucy and Lynn:[expecting a punchline] "Me. I need to borrow a dollar who?" Luan:[annoyed] "Fine. If you're not gonna help me, I'll just go ask Lola." [leaves] [Lucy and Lynn look at each other shocked. Lola is having another tea party in her room. Enter Luan.] Luan: "Hey, Lola, can I borrow a dollar?" Lola:[thinking it's a pun] "Oh, heh-heh. I get it. Doll-ar." [points to her doll] "Very funny." [awkwardly realizes] "Oh. You...actually want a dollar." [unzips her teddy bear, gets out her cash stash, and gives Luan a dollar.] Luan: "Thanks." [leaves]
[The other siblings are in the kitchen having a snack.] Lola: "Okay, you guys, Luan's been acting really weird. She just asked me for money but didn't make any joke or pun about it." Lana:[jokingly] "Oh? She didn't want any cheddar? Or lettuce? Or bread?" [pulls out one part of her sandwich on each word in the form of a pun and Lola shakes her head no; shocked.] "Whoa. That is weird." Lisa: "Come to think of it, she missed the perfect opportunity to cake me." Lucy: "She knocked on my coffin just to ask for a dollar." Leni: "Maybe we should see if she's okay." Lincoln:[relieved] "Or...maybe we should just be grateful for the break. I say we celebrate." Lisa: "Agreed. We can finally enjoy pie without having it propelled into our faces." [opens the fridge and takes out a pie] "Let's seize this opportunity!" [The others cheer]
[Later, Lincoln is dragging a garbage bag.] Lincoln: "Trash call! I'm coming in!" [enters Luan and Luna's room and finds the waste bin filled with familiar flyers and goes to Luan, who's reading on her bed.] "Oh. Luan, you accidentally put your flyers in the trash." Luan: "No accident. I'm not entering the contest. In fact, I'm out of the comedy game." Lincoln:[puts down Luan's book, shocked] "What? Why would you give up the thing you love most?" Luan: "Because I heard what you all said about me the other day." Lincoln: "Look. We didn't mean that stuff. We were just venting. See, you've been so in our faces lately. I'm sure it's just because you're getting ready for your show." Luan:[carrying all her props] "You don't have to make excuses, Lincoln. I get it. I'm not funny. I'm annoying. In fact, while you've got that trash bag..." [tosses her notebook in it] "Joke notebook, trash." Lincoln: "No, Luan, you are funny!" Luan:[tosses her gag glasses in the trash] "Funny nose and glasses, trash." Lincoln: "We didn't mean-" Luan:[tossing her whoopee cushions] "Whoopee cushions, trash. It's okay, Lincoln. You did me a favor. If I'm annoying to my own family, think how annoying I'd be to an audience full of strangers." [kisses Mr. Coconuts and drops him in the trash bag.] Lincoln:[flabbergasted] "Wha?" Luan: "Thanks for taking out the trash." [pushes him out of her room and closes the door.] [In the kitchen, the other sisters are enjoying the pie.] Lincoln: "Guys, put down the pie." Lola:[frantically tosses her slice out the window.] "Why? Is it going to explode?" Lincoln: "No, and it never will again. Luan heard everything we said about her, and now she's giving up comedy!" Leni: "Wow. Then her show at the Chortle Portal is gonna be really bad." Lincoln:[shakes Leni] "No, she's not doing the Chortle Portal!" [The sisters gasp] Lola: "But that was a big deal for her! She wrote about it in her diary!" [all of them turn to and glare at her as she realizes her slip of the tongue; nervously.] "Probably!" Lori: "We have to convince her to do the show!" Lana: "We've got until tomorrow night. We can come up with something." Lincoln: "Already did. Guys, huddle up." [They all huddle]
[The hallway. Lola is whistling casually and hears the bathroom door opening. She takes out a banana, peels it, and tosses the peel on the floor right on cue as Luan walks in.] Lola:[acting] "Uh-oh! I dropped my banana peel! I wouldn't want anyone to slip on it!" [awaits Luan's response] Luan: "Maybe then pick it up." [walks downstairs as Lola looks sad.] [The kitchen. Lincoln has a bunch of pies.] Lincoln:[acting] "Hey, Luan! I just made six cream pies, but I can't think of what to do with them!" [awaits] Luan: "I don't know. You could eat two, I guess, and then give the rest to charity." [gets an apple from the fridge and goes up to her room.] Luna:[on her drums, acting] "Man, I've been practicing my rimshots all day! If only I had a reason to bust one out!" [awaits] Luan: "Well, good luck with that." [leaves much to the rocker's sadness.] [Downstairs in the living room, Lori and Leni are looking out a window.] Lori:[acting] "Gee, Leni, it sure is wet outside." Leni:[acting] "How wet is it?" [They notice Luan] Lori: "I don't know. Luan, how wet is it?" Luan:[looks out the window] "Pretty wet, but I think it's clearing up." [walks away to their concern.] [Sibling meeting in Lori and Leni's room.] Lincoln: "Okay, everyone, clearly, the joke setups are not working." Lynn: "I know! I'm pitching her the sweetest meatballs, and she's not even swinging!" Lincoln: "Don't worry. I have another plan. We're gonna skip the jokes and go straight to the laughs." Lynn: "What does that mean?" Lincoln: "All homers and no pitches." Lynn:[inspired] "I like it!" [They all agree and cheer.]
[The next day in the kitchen, Lynn is drinking a protein shake which Luan can't help but notice.] Luan: "That looks gross." Lynn:[spits in her face and laughs] "Oh my gosh, Luan! Ha! Zing! Ha ha!" [Luan looks annoyed and joins Lincoln who's drinking some water in the living room.] Luan: "Hey, what are you watching?" Lincoln:[spits in her face and laughs] "Oh my gosh, Luan! Oh, wow. You are hilarious!" [Luan is annoyed again. Luna is brushing her teeth in the bathroom as Luan enters.] Luan: "Are you gonna be done in here soon?" Luna:[spits in her face and laughs] "Dude! Done in here soon! Too much, man!" Luan:[wipes the toothpaste from her face; angry] "Alright! Everyone out here, now!" [Her siblings gather with big phony smiles on their faces.] Luan: "I see what you guys are doing, and it's not going to work. I'm done with comedy." Leni:[spits her soda in her face] "Done with comedy! Ha! Classic Luan." Luan:[frustrated] "Leni, knock it off!" Leni:[obliviously jubilant] "Who's there?" [Luan growls and walks downstairs.] Lincoln: "We can't give up!" Leni:[spits in his face] "Can't give up! Ha! Too funny! You guys, this is so much fun." [Everyone except Lily facepalms in annoyance.]
[Later, Lincoln carries Luan's old props to the other sisters who are listening to something.] Lincoln: "Guys! I think I've got the answer!" Lucy: "No need. Lisa beat you to it." Lisa: "I've calibrated my time machine to send us back two minutes before Luan overheard us criticizing her." Lincoln: "That is pretty good." Lisa: "Small disclaimer: the journey may result in our butts being in front." Lori:[immediately turning to Lincoln with her other sisters, not wanting that.] "Lincoln, what's your plan?" Lincoln: "Well, we can't convince Luan she's funny, right? But what if an audience can?" Luna: "How's that gonna happen, dude?" Lincoln: "Leave it to me. You just make sure she's at the Chortle Portal at 8:00." [leaves] Lana:[to Lisa] "Can you still put my butt in front?"
[The Chortle Portal] Lori: "Thanks for coming with us, Luan." Luan: "Sure. Just because I'm not funny doesn't mean I can't enjoy someone else's comedy. [Pauses for a second] Wait, does it?" MC: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Junior Comedian's Night! Please give a hearty Chortle Portal welcome to our first comedian, Lincoln Loud!" [The crowd cheers] Luan:[baffled] "Lincoln?" [Lincoln runs on stage with Luan's joke notebooks. He drops them and picks them up, but hits his head on the mic which he steadies.] Luan: "And what's he doing with my joke notebooks?" Lincoln:[nervously clears his throat] "Hello, Royal Woods! So, did you hear that the lipstick and the eyeliner got into a fight? Because... seven ate nine!" Luan:[gasps] That's the wrong punchline!" Lincoln: "Never mind." [flips through pages] "Here's one I know you're gonna love. Why did the chickpea cross the road?" [Luan makes a look of discomfort.] Lincoln: "Wait. That doesn't make sense. Oh. Chicken! This writing is really hard to read." [tosses the notebooks and improvises] "Why did the students eat their homework? Because their teacher said it would be a piece of pie!" [hits himself with a pie] Luan:[fed up] "No, no, no!" [gets up on stage, having fallen for it. She picks up the stand with the microphone on it and pokes her brother with it.] "The punchline is piece of cake!" [takes out a cake and hits Lincoln with it.] [Everyone laughs at that bit of slapstick much to Luan's surprise.] Luan:[inspired] "Oh." [giggles lightly] "His delivery was a little crummy." [the audience laughs. Luan smiles] "But don't worry. Things are about to get batter." [the audience laughs some more] "Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a head, but the tomato was trying to ketchup!" [The audience laughs, as do Luan's siblings, knowing that she's funny after all and back to her old self.] Luan: "Why couldn't Timmy ride a bicycle? Because Timmy was a goldfish!" [The audience continues laughing at Luan's material.]
[The next morning, Luan enters the kitchen, much to the siblings' delight.] Leni: "There she is! The winner of the Junior Comedian's Contest!" [hugs Luan] Luan: "Oh. [Hugs Leni back] I owe it all to you guys. Lincoln, thanks for stinking on purpose so I'd get up on stage." Lincoln:[pretending that was his plan] "Uh...yes. On purpose. Of course." [smiles nervously] Lori: "We think you're really funny, and we're proud of you. We're sorry we said that harsh stuff about you." Luan:[gets her breakfast] "Thanks. That means a lot. And I know I can be a little bit much sometimes. I'll try to tone it down." [bumps into Lana] Lana: "Whoops!" [trips] [Luan tries to hold it in, not wanting to burst out into puns.] Lori: "Go ahead. You can say it." Luan:[beams and lets it out] "Your breakfast is toast! And that's no yolking matter! If you scramble, you can make another!" Lincoln:[pats her back] "It's good to have you back." [walks away] Luan: "Hey, why are you heading for the egg-sit? I'm bacon you to come back!" [laughs as the iris stops on her] "I cracked myself up." [continues laughing as the iris closes completely.]
