The following is a transcript for the episode "No Laughing Matter".
[One morning in the kitchen, Lincoln comes in yawning in his pajamas while Luan pours a glass of fruit juice.]
Luan: "Hey, Lincoln. Want some punch?"
[Luan takes out an extendable boxing glove and punches her brother with it, sending him flying and screaming through the kitchen and laughs at his expense.]
Luan: "If that joke knocked you out, don't miss my performance in
the Junior Comedian's Contest this Saturday at the Chortle Portal." [holds up a flyer for the contest and gives it to Lincoln.] "It's sure to generate a lot of..." [offers to help Lincoln up, and shocks him with a joy buzzer in her hand.] "...buzz!" [laughs and runs off]
[Lori and Leni are putting on their makeup in the bathroom. Lori with a mascara and Leni with a lipstick Luan barges in, making them ruin their faces.]
Luan: "Did you guys hear that the lipstick and the eyeliner got into a fight? Don't worry. They'll makeup!" [laughs and nudges Leni] "Get it?"
[Lori and Leni sigh as Luan gives them a flyer.]
Luan: "Come see me perform in the Junior Comedian's Contest this Saturday. It'll definitely leave you feeling..." [flushes the toilet] "...flushed!"
[Luna screams from the toilet flushing because the water became hot. Luan gives her older sister a flyer much to her annoyance. Lisa is busy working on some chemicals only for Luan to barge in.]
Luan: "Hey, Lisa, what's 3.14159?"
Lisa: "Pfft. Don't waste my time. That's pi."
Luan: "Did you say pie?" [pelts Lisa with one and laughs] "I'll be serving up a big slice of comedy at the Chortle Portal, Saturday night." [gives Lisa a flyer]
[Lisa wipes her glasses' lenses with the flyer. Lynn and Lucy's room.]
Luan: [knocking on Lucy's coffin] "Knock knock!"
Lucy: [from inside] "Who's there?"
Lucy: "Ivan who?"
Luan: [opens the coffin holding Edwin as Lucy hissed; Transylvanian accent.] "Ivan to suck your blood!"
Lucy: "Please don't touch Edwin." [takes Edwin back and closes her coffin.]
Luan: "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be a pain in the neck!" [laughs] "Hey, come see my act at the Chortle Portal. [puts the flyer inside the coffin] I promise it won't bite!" [laughs]
[As she leaves, she places a whoopee cushion on Lucy's desk where Lynn arrived with her football and sits down and falls for the trick.]
Luan: "Gas what? You're invited, too!" [gives Lynn a flyer]
[Lola and Lana's room. Lola is having a tea party with her dolls.]
Lola: "Thank you all for coming to my tea party. Who would like a finger sandwich?"' [offers them]
[Mr. Coconuts suddenly appears on the tray.]
Luan: [voicing Mr. Coconuts] "Finger sandwich? I was hoping for toe-fu! Har har! Get it, toots?" [Lola gets annoyed as Luan gives her a flyer.] "Don't be a dummy. Come to my show." [gives more to Lola's dolls and leaves.]
[The living room. The other siblings are talking about what Luan did to them earlier.]
Lincoln: "I got punched!"
Luna: "I got flushed!"
Lisa: "I got pie'd."
Lola: [unimpressed] "Toe-fu? Really?"
[Enter Lana with an egg yolk and a flyer on her head; she sighs.]
Lincoln: "Let me guess. Luan?"
Lana: "Ugh. She said she had a "yolk" that would "crack me up". PS: it didn't."
[Luan is coming downstairs with Mr. Coconuts and hears what they're saying.]
Lynn: "I can't wait for her Chortle Portal thing to be over. [while bouncing her basketball] She's been driving me nuts!"
Lola: [getting a manicure from Leni] "Tell me about it! It's not even funny! It's just obnoxious!"
Leni: "She's so annoying!"
Lincoln: "I wish she would just stop!"
Lana: "I know! It's not cool!"
[Upon hearing this, Luan becomes depressed, closes Mr. Coconuts' eyes, and walks back upstairs.]
[The next day, same setup as yesterday with Lincoln and Luan.]
Lincoln: [notices Luan pouring fruit punch and flinches.] "Oh, boy. Is that punch?"
Luan: "Yep. Want some?"
Lincoln: [holding a skillet] "Not this time!"
[He holds it up for protection, but to his surprise, Luan just pours a glass and gives him some.]
Lincoln: "Oh. Thanks?"
[Luan walks off and goes to the bathroom to see Lori and Leni doing what they did yesterday.]
Luan: "Hey, guys, do you know what happened to my hairbrush?"
Lori: [sarcastic] "I don't know, Luan. What did happen to your hairbrush?"
Luan: "Oh. Never mind. There it is." [takes it and leaves much to the befuddlement of her older sisters.]
Luna: [pops her head out of the shower.] "That was totally weird, dudes."
Leni: "I know. She didn't even do this." [flushes the toilet, again making Luna scream from the hot water.]
[Lisa and Lily's room]
Lisa: [finishing a math equation] "Chyeah! I solved it! I do not know why Pythagoras couldn't hack this one. It's a piece of cake."
Luan: [enters] "Did you just say piece of cake?"
Lisa: [nervous] "Oh, boy. Here comes the dessert projectile!" [puts on a gas mask for protection.]
Luan: [looking at the equation] "'Cause it looks really hard to me. Congratulations." [shakes Lisa's hand and leaves]
Lisa: [baffled] "Felicitations instead of frosting? I don't understand."
[Luan goes into Lucy and Lynn's room.]
Luan: [knocking] "Knock knock."
Lucy and Lynn: [sarcastic] "Who's there?"
Luan: "Me. I need to borrow a dollar."
Lucy and Lynn: [expecting a punchline] "Me. I need to borrow a dollar who?"
Luan: "Fine. If you're not gonna help me, I'll just go ask Lola." [leaves]
[Lucy and Lynn look at each other shocked. Lola is having another tea party in her room. Enter Luan.]
Luan: "Hey, Lola, can I borrow a dollar?"
Lola: [thinking it's a pun] "Oh, heh-heh. I get it. Doll-ar." [points to her doll] "Very funny." [awkwardly realizes] "Oh. You...actually want a dollar." [unzips her teddy bear, gets out her cash stash, and gives Luan a dollar.]
Luan: "Thanks." [leaves]
[The other siblings are in the kitchen having a snack.]
Lola: "Okay, you guys, Luan's been acting really weird. She just asked me for money but didn't make any joke or pun about it."
Lana: [jokingly] "Oh? She didn't want any cheddar? Or lettuce? Or bread?" [pulls out one part of her sandwich on each word in the form of a pun and Lola shakes her head no; shocked.] "Whoa. That is weird."
Lisa: "Come to think of it, she missed the perfect opportunity to cake me."
Lucy: "She knocked on my coffin just to ask for a dollar."
Leni: "Maybe we should see if she's okay."
Lincoln: [relieved] "Or...maybe we should just be grateful for the break. I say we celebrate."
Lisa: "Agreed. We can finally enjoy pie without having it propelled into our faces." [opens the fridge and takes out a pie] "Let's seize this opportunity!"
[The others cheer]
[Later, Lincoln is dragging a garbage bag.]
Lincoln: "Trash call! I'm coming in!" [enters Luan and Luna's room and finds the waste bin filled with familiar flyers and goes to Luan, who's reading on her bed.] "Oh. Luan, you accidentally put your flyers in the trash."
Luan: "No accident. I'm not entering the contest. In fact, I'm out of the comedy game."
Lincoln: [puts down Luan's book, shocked] "What? Why would you give up the thing you love most?"
Luan: "Because I heard what you all said about me the other day."
Lincoln: "Look. We didn't mean that stuff. We were just venting. See, you've been so in our faces lately. I'm sure it's just because you're getting ready for your show."
Luan: [carrying all her props] "You don't have to make excuses, Lincoln. I get it. I'm not funny. I'm annoying. In fact, while you've got that trash bag..." [tosses her notebook in it] "Joke notebook, trash."
Lincoln: "No, Luan, you are funny!"
Luan: [tosses her gag glasses in the trash] "Funny nose and glasses, trash."
Lincoln: "We didn't mean-"
Luan: [tossing her whoopee cushions] "Whoopee cushions, trash. It's okay, Lincoln. You did me a favor. If I'm annoying to my own family, think how annoying I'd be to an audience full of strangers." [kisses Mr. Coconuts and drops him in the trash bag.]
Lincoln: [flabbergasted] "Wha?"
Luan: "Thanks for taking out the trash." [pushes him out of her room and closes the door.]
[In the kitchen, the other sisters are enjoying the pie.]
Lincoln: "Guys, put down the pie."
Lola: [frantically tosses her slice out the window.] "Why? Is it going to explode?"
Lincoln: "No, and it never will again. Luan heard everything we said about her, and now she's giving up comedy!"
Leni: "Wow. Then her show at the Chortle Portal is gonna be really bad."
Lincoln: [shakes Leni] "No, she's not doing the Chortle Portal!"
[The sisters gasp]
Lola: "But that was a big deal for her! She wrote about it in her diary!" [notices all of them turning to and glaring at her; nervously.] "Probably!"
Lori: "We have to convince her to do the show!"
Lana: "We've got until tomorrow night. We can come up with something."
Lincoln: "Already did. Guys, huddle up."
[They all huddle]
[The hallway. Lola is whistling casually and hears the bathroom door opening. She takes out a banana, peels it, and tosses the peel on the floor right on cue as Luan walks in.]
Lola: [acting] "Uh-oh! I dropped my banana peel! I wouldn't want anyone to slip on it!" [awaits Luan's response]
Luan: "Maybe then pick it up." [walks downstairs as Lola looks sad.]
[The kitchen. Lincoln has a bunch of pies.]
Lincoln: [acting] "Hey, Luan! I just made six cream pies, but I can't think of what to do with them!" [awaits]
Luan: "I don't know. You could eat two, I guess, and then give the rest to charity." [gets an apple from the fridge and goes up to her room.]
Luna: [on her drums, acting] "Man, I've been practicing my rimshots all day! If only I had a reason to bust one out!" [awaits]
Luan: "Well, good luck with that." [leaves much to the rocker's sadness.]
[Downstairs in the living room, Lori and Leni are looking out a window.]
Lori: [acting] "Gee, Leni, it sure is wet outside."
Leni: [acting] "How wet is it?"
[They notice Luan]
Lori: "I don't know. Luan, how wet is it?"
Luan: [looks out the window] "Pretty wet, but I think it's clearing up." [walks away to their concern.]
[Sibling meeting in Lori and Leni's room.]
Lincoln: "Okay, everyone, clearly, the joke setups are not working."
Lynn: "I know! I'm pitching her the sweetest meatballs, and she's not even swinging!"
Lincoln: "Don't worry. I have another plan. We're gonna skip the jokes and go straight to the laughs."
Lynn: "What does that mean?"
Lincoln: "All homers and no pitches."
Lynn: [inspired] "I like it!"
[They all agree and cheer.]
[The next day in the kitchen, Lynn is drinking a protein shake which Luan can't help but notice.]
Luan: "That looks gross."
Lynn: [spits in her face and laughs] "Oh my gosh, Luan! Ha! Zing! Ha ha!"
[Luan looks annoyed and joins Lincoln who's drinking some water in the living room.]
Luan: "Hey, what are you watching?"
Lincoln: [spits in her face and laughs] "Oh my gosh, Luan! Oh, wow. You are hilarious!"
[Luan is annoyed again. Luna is brushing her teeth in the bathroom as Luan enters.]
Luan: "Are you gonna be done in here soon?"
Luna: [spits in her face and laughs] "Dude! Done in here soon! Too much, man!"
Luan: [wipes the toothpaste from her face; annoyed] "Alright! Everyone out here, now!"
[Her siblings gather with big phony smiles on their faces.]
Luan: "I see what you guys are doing, and it's not going to work. I'm done with comedy."
Leni: [spits her soda in her face] "Done with comedy! Ha! Classic Luan."
Luan: [frustrated] "Leni, knock it off!"
Leni: [obliviously jubilant] "Who's there?"
[Luan growls and walks downstairs.]
Lincoln: "We can't give up!"
Leni: [spits in his face] "Can't give up! Ha! Too funny! You guys, this is so much fun."
[Everyone facepalms in annoyance except Lily.]
[Later, Lincoln carries Luan's old props to the other sisters who are listening to something.]
Lincoln: "Guys! I think I've got the answer!"
Lucy: "No need. Lisa beat you to it."
Lisa: "I've calibrated my time machine to send us back two minutes before Luan overheard us criticizing her."
Lincoln: "That is pretty good."
Lisa: "Small disclaimer: the journey may result in our butts being in front."
Lori: [immediately turning to Lincoln with her other sisters, not wanting that.] "Lincoln, what's your plan?"
Lincoln: "Well, we can't convince Luan she's funny, right? But what if an audience can?"
Luna: "How's that gonna happen, dude?"
Lincoln: "Leave it to me. You just make sure she's at the Chortle Portal at 8:00." [leaves]
Lana: [to Lisa] "Can you still put my butt in front?"
[The Chortle Portal]
Lori: "Thanks for coming with us, Luan."
Luan: "Sure. Just because I'm not funny doesn't mean I can't enjoy someone else's comedy. [Pauses for a second] Wait, does it?"
MC: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Junior Comedian's Night! Please give a hearty Chortle Portal welcome to our first comedian, Lincoln Loud!"
[The crowd cheers]
Luan: [baffled] "Lincoln?"
[Lincoln runs on stage with Luan's joke notebooks. He drops them and picks them up, but hits his head on the mic which he steadies.]
Luan: "And what's he doing with my joke notebooks?"
Lincoln: [nervously clears his throat] "Hello, Royal Woods! So, did you hear that the lipstick and the eyeliner got into a fight? Because...seven ate nine!"
Luan: [gasps] That's the wrong punchline!"
Lincoln: "Never mind." [flips through pages] "Here's one I know you're gonna love. Why did the chickpea cross the road?"
[Luan makes a look of discomfort.]
Lincoln: "Wait. That doesn't make sense. Oh. Chicken! This writing is really hard to read." [tosses the notebooks and improvises] "Why did the students eat their homework? Because their teacher said it would be a piece of pie!" [hits himself with a pie]
Luan: [fed up] "No, no, no!" [gets up on stage, having fallen for it. She picks up the stand with the microphone on it and pokes her brother with it.] "The punchline is piece of cake!" [takes out a cake and hits Lincoln with it.]
[Everyone laughs at that bit of slapstick much to Luan's surprise.]
Luan: [inspired] "Oh." [chuckles lightly] "His delivery was a little crummy." [the audience laughs. Luan smiles] "But don't worry. Things are about to get batter." [the audience laughs some more] "Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a head, but the tomato was trying to ketchup!"
[The audience laughs, as do Luan's siblings, knowing that she's funny after all and back to her old self.]
Luan: "Why couldn't Timmy ride a bicycle? Because Timmy was a goldfish!"
[The audience continues laughing at Luan's material.]
[The next morning, Luan enters the kitchen, much to the siblings' delight.]
Leni: "There she is! The winner of the Junior Comedian's Contest!" [hugs Luan]
Luan: "Oh. [Hugs Leni back] I owe it all to you guys. Lincoln, thanks for stinking on purpose so I'd get up on stage."
Lincoln: [pretending that was his plan] "Uh...yes. On purpose. Of course." [smiles nervously]
Lori: "We think you're really funny, and we're proud of you. We're sorry we said that harsh stuff about you."
Luan: [gets her breakfast] "Thanks. That means a lot. And I know I can be a little bit much sometimes. I'll try to tone it down." [bumps into Lana]
Lana: "Whoops!" [trips]
[Luan tries to hold it in, not wanting to burst out into puns.]
Lori: "Go ahead. You can say it."
Luan: [beams and lets it out] "Your breakfast is toast! And that's no yolking matter! If you scramble, you can make another!"
Lincoln: [pats her back] "It's good to have you back." [walks away]
Luan: "Hey, why are you heading for the egg-sit? I'm bacon you to come back!" [laughs as the iris stops on her] "I crack myself up."[continues laughing as the iris closes completely.]
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