The following is a transcript of the episode "No Place Like Homeschool"
[Episode begins with an alarm clock ringing.]
Lori: "Wake up, everybody, time to get ready for school."
[The sisters minus Lola and Lily groan as they wait in line for the bathroom.]
Lincoln: [First in line holding his pee and pounding his fist on the door.] "Come on Luna! There's nine people that need to use the bathroom!"
Luna: "One sec, bro, I can't leave until I hit this high note. ♫Getting ready for school♫ Oh wait, not quite. ♫ School ♫ ♫ SCHOOL ♫"
Lynn: "She shoots, she scores!" [Lynn hits her hockey puck with her hockey stick on the bathroom door much to her siblings' (up front in the line) surprise. She slap shots it the other way, Lisa ducks under it and stops Lynn.]
Lisa: "Is that necessary?"
Lynn: "What? It's a waste of a shower if you haven't worked up a sweat."
Lana: [Who is sitting on the floor rubbing herself with mud.] "Or, gotten dirty." [Continues rubbing herself] "Ah."
Lola: [Pops her head out of her room with a mud mask and curlers in her hair.] "Excuse me, can you keep it down, please? You know I require at least eight hours of beauty sleep." [Returns to bed]
Lucy: [Pops up behind Lincoln, scaring him.] "Um, what's up with Lola? Why isn't she getting ready for school?"
Lincoln: "It's pageant season, so she's homeschooling to have more time for rehearsal."
Lynn: [Scoffs] "Homeschool." [Roller skating through a makeshift slalom course.] "AKA sleep in, do a little bit of schoolwork, then goof off for the rest of the day."
Lana: [Envious] "Yeah, lucky. She gets to live it up on easy street for a whole week."
Lisa: "Uh, actually, this year it's six weeks."
Lincoln: "Six weeks?!"
Lori: "Lola needs time during the day to prepare for her pageants."
Lynn: "I have basketball practice, football practice, lacrosse tryouts, and a hockey game, all before Thursday."
Lucy: "And I have two grave site services back to back tomorrow, at cemeteries on opposite sides of town."
Lana: "I'm dumpster diving with Flip, everyday after school this week."
Lisa: "And I'm speaking about sodium sulfate at the science club after school tomorrow."
Lana: "All, while Lola gets to sleep in as late as she wants."
Lucy: "And not have to wait in line for the bathroom."
Lynn: "And she can eat whatever she wants out of the fridge."
Luan: "Hey! We should get to be homeschooled too."
Lori: [Trying to be the voice of reason.] "Guys, Mom and Dad would never let us actually do it."
Lincoln: [Gets an idea] "But what if they did?" [Later, Lincoln is with his parents (and Lily) in the living room wearing his blue suit, and presenting his case.] "...and Lynn has her lacrosse, Lori has her golf, Luna has her band, Luan has her clowning business...
Rita: We know. We drive you kids to all those things."
Lincoln: "So what do you say? Can we be homeschooled too."
Lynn Sr.: [Looks at his wife who looks back then thinks.] "Well, Lola has done well with homeschooling the last few years. Maybe that's just what this family needs."
[Lincoln's sisters, minus Lola and Lily, cheer, thanking to Lincoln.]
Rita: "There's just one thing." [the kids look at their mother.] "I will be home, but I'll be busy working on my book. So you kids will have to be responsible for getting all your work done or it's back to regular school." [The kids say it's no problem.]
[Lola is writing in her workbook when her siblings, minus Luan, enter her room.]
Lana: "Guess who has eighteen thumbs and is also doing homeschool? Us guys."
Lola: "What?! Why do you guys need homeschool?"
Lincoln: "You're not the only one who deserves a flexible schedule. We happen to lead very busy lives."
Luan: [enters juggling on her unicycle] "Yup, and now we get goof off all day with you."
Lola: "It's not goofing off. You know we still have schoolwork, right?"
Lucy: "You mean our workbooks? We have all week to get them done. A walk in the cemetery."
Lincoln: "Yeah, if you can manage it, I'm sure we can."
Lola: "OK, but be careful. The work sneaks up on you."
[Cuts to Lisa, Lori, Luan and Luna in the kitchen; Lori and Luan are eating breakfast while Charles is chewing on a bone.]
Luna: [patting her knee] "This is the life, right dudes?"
Lisa: [reading College Math book by B. Smart.] "I'll say. Just think, on a normal day, I'd be reading kindergarten math books, and now I get to read this college math book."
Lori: "I think you're missing the point, Lisa."
Lisa: "You goof off your way I'll goof off mine."
[Cuts to the backyard]
Lincoln: [playing with action figure] "Ace Savvy, deep in the Amazon jungle searches for the hidden lair of the evil villain, Blackjack. Will he find-"
Lana: "Look out! It's the mantis queen!" [brings out a mantis and growls.]
Lincoln: "Whoa, aaaaaah! Oh no." [keeps playing with Lana; Lucy is hanging upside down on the fence with her bats; Leni pushes a giggling Lily on a swing; Lynn is jumping rope; Cliff is sleeping but Lola is reading with sunglasses.]
Lynn: "One thousand six."
Lola: "Hey guys, it's 2 o'clock. Shouldn't you hit the books?"
Lincoln: "It's two already?"
Lana: "I guess we should do some work."
Leni: "Thanks for reminding us, Lola."
[Lori places workbooks on the dining room table and passes them around with Lincoln.]
Lori: "OK, here we go. Workbook page one: Please read all contents carefully."
[The rest of the siblings do so for a few seconds.]
Lynn: "Boom, one page down."
[Leni's phone chimes]
Leni: "I don't want to interrupt our flow, but Chaz just sent me a totes amazing cat video. Want to see?"
Lynn: "Me too! Me too!"
Lucy: "Is it a black cat?"
[They watch the video of the meowing cat with music. They pick up their workbooks again.]
Lori: "Now, where were we? Oh right!" [clears throat] "Workbook page one: Please read all contents carefully."
[A jingle is heard from outside.]
Lana: "Ooh, ice cream truck!"
[They rush outside cheering only to find...]
Mr. Grouse: "Hey, Louds! I see you're enjoying my new CD of classic ice cream truck jingles." [starts dancing] "Ooh, this one really swings.'
Lynn: "Man, now I really want ice cream."
Leni: "Let's go! We earned it, we already read the first page twice."
[Lola enters with a leotard carrying a juice box and briefcase of ribbons.]
Lucy: "Hey Lola, ice cream break?"
Lola: "I can't. I have ribbon dancing rehearsal."
[She gets into her princess car and drives away.]
Luan: "She really needs to work on her work life balance."
[Later that night, the kids, minus Lola, are brushing their teeth.]
Lincoln: "How fun has this week been?"
Lynn: [chanting] Homeschool! Homeschool! Homeschool! [squirts toothpaste on Lisa's glasses causing the siblings to laugh, Lisa wipes it off with a sponge squeegee.]
Leni: "It has been great, but we should probably do those workbook thingies tomorrow."
Lori: "True, we did promise Mom we'd get all of out work done."
Luan: "Hmm, then again, tomorrow is Friday. So it's practically the weekend already. Might as well wait til' Monday to get a fresh start."
Luna: "Good call, brah!"
[Lola enters the bathroom.]
Lola: "Why are you guys still yammering? Go to bed already. We have a test at 8 AM tomorrow."
Lincoln: "Test? What test?"
Lola: [sighs] "That's how homeschool works. You take a test every Friday to make sure you've been learning instead of slacking off all week!" [sighs again]
Lucy: [Lola's siblings grow worried] "What? Why didn't anyone tell us that?"
Lola: Hello? It's on page two of your workbooks. [shows the next page that says WEEKLY TEST causing her siblings to gasp.]
Lincoln: [surprised] "All the way on page two? Well, of course we didn't see it."
Lori: [nervous] "But if we don't pass, that means..."
Lola: "Yup, back to [in slow motion] regular school."
[The kids gasp again then go to Lori and Leni's room to worry.]
Lynn: [in despair] "Oh no! Oh this is horrible!"
Leni: "What are we gonna do?! I don't wanna go back to school!"
Lisa: "OK, well, I sympathize with your plight, siblings. But, I myself am not worried about a simple examination of the subject of-" [looks in the workbook and gasps] "What now?! "Kindergartners will be graded on their week's worth of arts and crafts projects"? Aah! Art and crafts are my Achilles' heel." [wiggling her fingers] "Stubby digits."
Lincoln: "Come on, guys, we can still pass, even you, Lisa. We just have to pull an all nighter and really study."
Leni: "Lincoln's right, no more distractions."
Leni's siblings: "Agreed!"
[The ice cream jingle is heard again, Lori pulls out a dollar.]
Mr. Grouse: "Ha ha, evening, Louds." [They groan]
[The kids are just finished eating a tub of Morgan's strawberry ice cream; Lynn pushes it away causing Cliff to jump.]
Lynn: "OK, now that that's out of the way, we really gotta buckle down."
Lisa: "To increase our chances of success, I suggest we find an environment free of any and all distractions."
Lucy: "I don't think you'll all fit in my coffin."
[The others get surprised.]
Lisa: "I have an alternate suggestion."
[The kids are now in the backyard near the bunker that was once used to avoid Luan's pranks.]
Lynn: "Wow, you're going to let us inside your super top-secret bunker?"
Lisa: "Yes, but don't get any ideas. I will be changing the access code."
[They are now inside it.]
Lincoln: "Alright, guys. Let's get cracking."
[Leni starts clicking with her tongue.]
Luan: "Would you mind not doing that?"
Leni: 'Doing what?: [Clicks her tongue again]
[Lynn's stomach starts growling.]
Lana: "Hey, shut your gut. I'm trying to read over here."
Lynn: "How can you hear my stomach over Luna's tapping foot?"
Luna: "I'm just trying to drown out the noise of Lucy chewing her pen."
Lucy: "It helps me focus. Otherwise, all I can think about is Lori's perfume."
Lori: "Um, would you rather smell Lana's grubby old hat?"
Lana: [offended] "Wow." [the sisters start arguing] "It's your fault."
Leni: "It's totally your fault and I don't like your perfume."
[Lincoln sounds an air horn alarming Leni, Luan and Lynn.]
Lincoln: "Guys, guys. This isn't working."
Lisa: [takes the air horn away] "Don't touch that. It's to scare away post-apocalyptic mutants. And or Mr. Grouse."
Lori: "How does Lola pull this off every year?"
Luan: "I don't know, she must've figured out something we haven't."
Lincoln: "You know what we gotta do, right?"
Everyone else except Leni: "Yes!"
Leni: [at the same time] "No." [everyone looks at her] "Uh, yes. ...OK, no. What's up?"
Lincoln: "Someone's going to have to interrupt Lola's beauty sleep and ask her for help."
Lynn: "But she needs the full eight hours!"
Lucy: "Or else she can't function properly."
Luan: "And she's a biter!"
Lincoln: "Well, someone's gotta do it."
Lincoln's sisters: [touching their noses] "Dibs not it!"
Lincoln: "Dang it!"
[The sisters push Lincoln into Lola's room and shut the door; he is about to tap on snoring Lola when...]
Lola: "Can I help you?!"
[Lincoln gets surprised, bumps into his other sisters behind him, gets surprised again and crashes on the floor as the lamp and alarm clock falls down.]
Lincoln: [with a lampshade on his head] "Sorry! I’m sorry! We need your help to study for our test!" [Falls down]
Lola: "Now? I'm in the middle of my beauty sleep. I've been warning you all week that you need to do your work."
Lucy: "We tried. But failed miserably."
Lori: "Lola, we literally had no idea that homeschool would be this hard. Please, tell us your secret."
Lola: "There is no secret, it's just hard work and discipline."
Lana: "Well, I'm out."
Lincoln: [preventing Lana from leaving] "It's too late for discipline. But, can you teach us how to do the hard work part?"
Lola: "Ugh, Lincoln"! [Sees it's almost three o' clock] "Fine! But you guys owe me. I see a lot of tea parties in your future!"
[The next day, the worried kids are writing on pieces of paper; Lisa is making an arts and crafts bouquet of flowers; Lola is really tired.]
Rita: [with stopwatch] "OK guys, times up, pencils down. Or in your case, Lisa, pipe cleaners."
[Lisa is stressed. Soon, Rita hands everyone back their tests and gives Lisa her bouquet back.]
Rita: "Well, it was a close call, but congratulations, you all passed! [all the kids cheer, except Lola] Well, almost all of you. Lola honey, you didn't even finish your test. I'm sorry, sweetie. But it's back to regular school on Monday."
Lola: "But Mom, then I won't have time to practice on my pageants!"
Rita: "I'm sorry, Lola, you knew the rules, now you have to pay the consequences." [Lola walks away; her siblings feel guilty for what they've done.]
[Monday... Lola wakes up to her alarm and sighs, she goes to the bathroom only to bump into Lana find a line of her siblings; Luna is in the bathroom.]
Lola: "What the? What are you guys doing up so early? I thought you like to start your homeschooling at two."
Lori: "Actually, we're all going back to regular school."
Lincoln: "It's our fault you didn't pass your test. We kept you up all night helping us study, that you were too tired to take your own test."
Lucy: "We talked to Mom and Dad, and they agreed to give you a second chance."
Lynn: "And this way we won't be here to distract you."
Lola: "You're all willing to go back to regular school just for me?" [her siblings nod] "Thanks, you guys." [she hugs them and Luna comes out.]
Luna: [in her robe with a towel on her hair.] "Who's next?"
Leni: [a horn is heard causing her to scream.] "Is that the bus?!"
Lincoln: "Oh no! We're late!"
[Lola's siblings rush outside, only to find...]
Mr. Grouse: "Hey, Louds! How do you like my new CD of classic school bus sounds?"
[Lola's siblings all groan in frustration.]