S2E03B Off limits

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The following is a transcript for the episode "No Such Luck".


[Lincoln is enjoying a bowl of Aw, Nuts cereal for breakfast and reading a comic book when his sisters come in.]
Lori: "Hey, you guys! Don't forget my golf tournament's this afternoon." [Lincoln ducks under the table.] "You're all going to be there to support me, right?"
[Her sisters all agree that they'll be there.]
Leni: "And after that, you're all coming to my charity fashion show, right?"
[They all agree]
Lucy: "And after that, don't forget my grave-digging competition."
[They all say that they are. Lincoln crawls out from under the table and comes across Lily.]
Lily: "Inkin'!"
Lincoln: "Shh!"
[He notices her bottle on the top of the fridge and puts her on Lana's skateboard; the board collides with the fridge and the bottle drops right into her hands letting her drink the contents from it. Lincoln escapes to the living room without his sisters seeing him and sighs with relief.]
Lincoln: [clears throat; to the viewers] "I know what you're thinking. "Lincoln, why are you trying to get out of your sisters' activities?" Well, you don't know my life."
[Cut to a calendar of Lincoln's calendar getting filled up with his sisters' faces indicating an event for them specifically.]
Lincoln: "With ten sisters, my calendar's booked everyday with stuff. I'm supposed to go to rodeos, pageants, open mic nights...once in a while, a guy just needs some time to himself."
[Suddenly, Lynn pops up in front of him.]
Lynn: "Hey, Lincoln! You're coming to my softball game today, right?"
Lincoln: "Dang it. Should've done a head count." [to Lynn] "Actually, Lynn, I've got some important business to attend to. Like Ace Savvy VS the Card Shark." [holds out comic]
Lynn: "Lame. My team has won our last six games, and you're the only member of this family who hasn't come out to support me."
Lincoln: "That's because I was supporting six other sisters at their things. Sorry, Lynn, I just can't do it today."
Lynn: [holding her bat threateningly] "Sure you won't reconsider?"

[Lincoln acquiesces and is at the game with his family and Bobby in the bleachers. The mascot comes out onto the field and does a somersault.]
Mascot: "LET'S DO THIS!"
Baseball Announcer: "Well, it's a beautiful day at the park. Isn't it, Pep?"
Pep: [unenthusiastic] "Oh, sure it is."
Baseball Announcer: "It's the bottom of the ninth with the Royal Woods Squirrels up 3-nothing. Could this be another shutout for star pitcher Lynn Loud?"
[The crowd cheers for Lynn. Lynn waves to the people and her family and they all root for her. She then starts doing some things to prepare for her pitch. She lifts her leg, turns her cap, tosses some dirt over her shoulder, and pats her right cheek.]
Baseball Announcer: "Loud is performing her signature good luck rituals."
Lynn: [doing a Cossack dance] "Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut!"
Baseball Announcer: "Hey, Pep, you believe there's anything to these kinds of superstitions?"
Pep: [not caring] "I don't know."
Baseball Announcer: "Well, here's the windup and the pitch."
[Lynn winds up and pitches, but the opposing batter slams it out of the park.]
Baseball Announcer: "Ooh! Looks like the softball gods did not love that Cossack dance."
[Soon enough, the Daisy Hill Daisies hit the ball each time, thus beating the Squirrels.]
Baseball Announcer: "Hated that Cossack dance."
[The crowd boos and the mascot looks on with grief.]

[After the game, Lynn is looking down.]
Lincoln: "Hey, sis. I'm really sorry you lost."
[Lynn yelps and hides behind a dumpster.]
Lincoln: "Hey."
Lynn: [holding a rotten banana peel] "Stay back! You're bad luck!" [tosses the peel at Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "What are you talking about?"
Lynn: "My team has been dominating all season, then the one time you show up, we lose!"
Lincoln: "That's ridiculous. I'm not bad luck."
Lynn: "Yeah-huh, you are! Which is why I'm banning you from all future games. Now scram! I have to make things right with the softball gods." [does her Cossack dance again] "Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut! Hutta-hut!"

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln is having more Aw, Nuts and reading his comic.]
Leni: [with her hair all curled] "Lincoln! Are you coming to my charity fashion show? It's for a great cause: oysters without pearls."
Lynn: [jumps in, paranoid] "Leni! No! He'll ruin your fashion show just like he ruined my winning streak! HE'S BAD LUCK!"
Lincoln: "Oh, come on, Lynn! That is absolutely..." [gets an idea] "...true." [to the viewers] "I think I may be onto something here." [to Leni] "Leni, I'd love to go to your fashion show, but I'd hate for my bad luck to make you trip, or jam a zipper, or break a heel..."
Leni: [gasps] "The horror! Maybe you should sit this one out."
Lincoln: [pretends] "I'll be there in spirit."

[Lincoln is turning the TV on.]
Announcer: "Next on ARRGH!..."
[Lana then pounces Lincoln and hogties him.]
Lana: "Hey, Linc, you coming to my alligator-wrestling match?"
Leni: [pulls Lana away from Lincoln; paranoid.] "Don't invite Lincoln! He could make your alligator trip, or jam its zipper, or break a heel!"
Lana: [confused] "What?"
Leni: "He's bad luck."
[They turn to him]
Lincoln: [feigning] "I can't deny it."
Lana: "Uh...maybe you shouldn't come after all. I'm wrestlin' my first 200-pounder, and I can't take any chances." pats his foot]
[Now Lincoln is talking to Lola who's spraying her hair in a beehive.]
Lincoln: "Sure, Lola. I'll come to your pageant. I just hope my bad luck doesn't make your hair go flat."
Lola: [gasps and sprays Lincoln away] "GET AWAY FROM ME!"
[Lincoln is talking to Luan in her clown outfit.]
Lincoln: "I'd love to attend your performance. I'm just afraid my bad luck might cause a clown car collision."
Luan: [gasps] "That would put a dent in things!" [laughs] "Get it? But seriously, don't come."
[Lincoln leaves and is now talking to Lily.]
Lincoln: "Oh, Lily, I sure would like to come to your play date, but I'd hate for my bad luck to cause a boo-boo."
[Lily blows a raspberry at Lincoln. He then comes across Lisa.]
Lisa: [scoffing] "Pshaw. There's no such thing as bad luck. There's only science. All else is hooey."
[Enter Lori with her golf clubs.]
Lori: "Lisa literally has a point. You're coming to my tournament, Lincoln. This family supports each other."
Lincoln: "You're right. I'm being silly. Let me get those for ya." [takes Lori's clubs and pretends to trip.] "Whoa whoa whoa!" [trips over in the bathroom with a lot of clanging going on; comes out with a club dented.] "Whoops!"
Lori: [gasps] "My sand wedge! You are bad luck! You are literally uninvited to my tournament."
Lisa: "I retract my earlier statement. BACK, YE CURSED WRETCH! And don't even think about attending my lecture series on thermodynamics!"
Lincoln: [feigning misery] "Aw, man." [smirks to the camera]

[The sisters and parents are leaving the house to attend the big outings.]
Lana: "Come on, guys. It's time for my gator-wrestling match."
[As soon as they're in the van, Lincoln is elated.]
Lincoln: [gleefully sarcastic, to the viewers] "So sorry to miss it all!" [suddenly comes out sliding like in a famous movie scene and starts dancing.] "Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky! Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky!" [reading his comic in his underwear everywhere in the house.] "Tough break, Card Shark. Looks like Ace Savvy just called your bluff!" [drinks milk from the carton and belches; pushes all of his sisters' activities off his calendar.] [to the viewers] "I gotta say, being bad luck turned out to be pretty good."

[The next day, Lincoln's breakfast is out on the coffee table in the living room.]
Lincoln: "What the? Why is my breakfast on the coffee table?"
Rita: "Oh, sorry, sweetheart, but would you mind eating breakfast in the living room today?"
Lynn Sr.: "I've got a big presentation and your mother's got back-to-back root canal patients. We-we can't risk your bad luck spreading to us."
[Lincoln pours his cereal and turns on the game console.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Just another perk of the bad luck life. Now I can play video games while I eat."

[Later that night, the family is getting ready to see a movie.]
Rita: "Come on, kids! The movie starts in half an hour!"
[The girls come down super excited to see it.]
Lincoln: "Dibs on holding the popcorn!"
[Lynn screams and leaps out of the house in fear.]
Lynn Sr.: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, son. I wish you could come, but with your bad luck, who knows what could go wrong?"
Lola: "The movie could sell out!"
Luna: "I could get stuck behind some lady with a beehive!"
Lisa: "Someone could get scalded with molten butter!"
Lynn Sr.: [gasps] "I didn't even think of that one! Sorry, kiddo."
Lincoln: " problem. You guys have fun."
Leni: "Don't worry. I'll tell you how the movie ends."
[Everyone leaves Lincoln home alone.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Eh, what's missing one movie when it means having more awesome me time?"
[He then starts getting bored and lonely.]
Lincoln: [dancing miserably] "Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky. Who's unlucky. I'm unlucky." [reading another comic in his underwear in the same spots from before.] "Take that, Wild Card Willy. Ace Savvy just dealt you some justice."
[He checks the milk carton and then puts it back; adds another Lincoln face on his calendar. He then hear his family coming home and chatting about how much they enjoyed the movie and sighs.]

[Later, as he gets ready for bed, he notices that there's something wrong with his door which is now boarded up and bound with hazard tape, and there's a note on it.]
Lincoln: [reading note] "Sorry, Lincoln, but you can't sleep here tonight. We can't just risk it? Are you kidding me?"
Sisters: "NO!!!" [slam their doors shut]
[Lincoln goes outside to Charles' doghouse.]
Lincoln: "Hey, buddy, think I could bunk here for the night?" [Charles growls at him] "Et tu, Charles?"
[He looks around for somewhere to sleep. The next day, it's revealed he was sleeping on a pile of leaves with a squirrel on his head. He shoos the squirrel away, brushes the leaves off, spits out an acorn, shakes more acorns out of his pants and goes up to the back door only to find that it's locked.]
Lincoln: "Guys? I think you accidentally locked me out!"
[His breakfast is shoved through the doggy door and he peeks through the window on the door.]
Rita: "Kids, we've got a special treat for you! Since your father's presentation went so well..."
Lynn Sr.: "And your mother's root canals, too..."
Rita: "...we thought we'd celebrate with a trip to the beach tomorrow.
[The sisters all cheer and Lincoln pops his head through the doggy door.]
Lincoln: "We're going to the beach tomorrow?"
Lynn Sr.: "Ooh, gosh. Sorry, son. Not you. Someone could get attacked by a shark."
Lynn: "Or caught in a riptide."
Luna: "Or stung by a jellyfish."
Lana: [gasps] "If that happens, I call peeing on the wound!"
Lincoln: [dejected] "Come on, you guys! Be reasonable!"
Lola: "You're bad luck, Lincoln! You! Can't! Come!" [closes the doggy door on him]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "I guess I brought this on myself."

[Lincoln approaches the front yard with a megaphone.]
Lincoln: [into megaphone] "ATTENTION, LOUD FAMILY!" [hears the feedback hiss and fixes it; back into it.] "I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE!"
[His family pop up to a window to hear his confession.]
Mr. Grouse: "Nice confession, Loud!"
Lynn: "If you're not bad luck, then how come after I banned you, my team won our doubleheader, and now, we're going to the playoffs? Huh?"
Mr. Grouse: "She's got you there, Loud!"
[Everyone clamors in agreement with Lynn.]
Lynn Sr.: "Sorry, buddy!"
Rita: "Sorry, honey!"
Lynn Sr.: "We'll write!"
Leni: "Lynn's right, you're bad luck!"
Lynn Sr.: "Step farther away from the house!"
[The family closes the curtains thus ending the conversation.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Ugh! Lynn and her superstitions! As long as she thinks I'm bad luck, I'm doomed. I have to find a way to prove her wrong." [shakes some more acorns out of his pants.] "Dang squirrel!" [realizes] "Squirrel. Hmm..."

[The softball playoffs. The family and Bobby are there to support Lynn. The squirrel mascot is dancing a little less energetic than usual.]
Lola: "What's with that squirrel today? His choreography is so dated."
Mascot: [in a familiar voice] "Hey, man! You try dancing in this heat!"
[It's revealed to be Lincoln in the runabout costume]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "My plan is simple: I watch the game in disguise, and when the Squirrels win, everyone will see I'm not bad luck."
Baseball Announcer: "Talk about bad luck. Everything is going wrong with the Squirrels today. What do you think, Pep?"
Pep: [downright bored] "I think I've wasted my life."
Baseball Announcer: "Just look at our poor squirrels!"
[Margo takes a swing and flings herself into the umpire and the bat hits her helmet. Two more squirrels collide into each other and miss the catch. One Squirrel tosses the bat right at Lincoln by accident. Lynn pitches and the opposing batter hits the ball right back her, knocking her socks, shoes, and hat off and making her spin in mid-air before landing on the ground.]
Baseball Announcer: "Yowza." [shows the score: Hazeltuck Lions: 3, Royal Woods Squirrels: nothing.] "Two outs in the bottom of the ninth, and the bases are loaded. Lynn Loud steps up to the plate, but with the luck she's been having today, the Squirrels are looking a whole lot like roadkill."
Luna: "Way harsh, dude!"
Baseball Announcer: "I think you're rubbing off on me, Pep."
Pep: [dully] "Oh, I have that effect on people."
Baseball Announcer: "The windup, the pitch."
[Lynn swings and misses.]
Umpire: "Strike one!"
Lincoln: [scared] "Lynn's right! I am bad luck!"
[Lynn swings and misses again.]
Umpire: "Strike two!"
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Maybe I can move into Lisa's fallout shelter. Lead walls will keep my bad luck from affecting anyone."
Baseball Announcer: "And the pitch!"
[The sound of the ball getting hit by the bat is heard and the rest of Lynn's team runs the remaining bases.]
[The family and Bobby cheer for Lynn as she makes her run around the field.]
Baseball Announcer: [clinging to Pep] "SQUIRRELS WIN! SQUIRRELS WIN!" [knocks Pep down]
[Lynn finishes her run and gets picked up by her family in celebration of her victory.]
[Lincoln in disguise joins them.]
Lola: [to the mascot] "Um, do you mind, fur ball? This is a family moment."
Lincoln: "Guys, it's me!" [takes the mask off] "I was here the whole time! This proves it. I'm not bad luck."
Lynn: 'Oh my gosh, you're right. Wow, Lincoln, I'm really sorry."
[The rest of the family apologizes.]
Rita: "Sorry we sold all your furniture."
Lincoln: [shocked] "Wait. What?"

[The beach]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Well, my family doesn't think I'm bad luck anymore. In fact, now they think I'm good luck."
Lola: "Hey, Lincoln!" [shouting] "Put the head back on before we get stung by a jellyfish!"
[The rest of the family is enjoying their time with beach activities.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "But unfortunately, only when I'm in the squirrel suit." [puts the head back on]
[An iris comes on Lincoln's exasperated face, pauses for a moment, and closes completely.]

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