The following is a transcript for the episode "On Thin Ice".
[House during winter. The Loud family, minus Rita and Lynn, are in the living room doing various hobbies. Suddenly, Lynn pops up from the door.]
Lynn: "Ha! My hockey tickets are here!"
[The spotlight appears at Lynn, with four angels appearing to accompany her. The angels disappear, while Rita enters the house exhausted, and gives off a sign.]
Lisa: "Ah! The international sign for scatter!"
[The rest of the Loud family panic and attempt to escape...]
Lynn Sr.: "Gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!"
[...but Lynn stops them from doing so.]
Lynn: "Hold it! Guys, I got four tickets for the biggest game of the year, and you know the rule: three of you have to come with me. It's good-"
Rest of the Loud Family: "Good luck."
Lynn: "Exactly! Our very own Royal Woods Jellyfish are playing the New Jersey Gaba-Ghouls." [spits on the floor.]
Lucy: "Mmm... ghouls."
Lynn: "No 'Mmm' Luce. This is a Jellyfish house. And a win tonight puts them in the playoffs for the first time in my life! Rowdy McQuads needs this!"
Lola: "Who's that, some hockey guy?"
Lynn: "A hockey legend. He's the GOAT!" [the rest of the Loud family blinks their eyes instead] "Uh, greatest of all time?"
Rest of the Loud Family: "Oh."
Lynn: "If Rowdy and the squad are gonna pull out a win, they need my good luck, and you guys know I can't do my superstitions alone. Now, who's coming to help?"
Rest of the Loud Family: "Uhh..."
[Flashback of Vanzilla passing a butterfly that withers, revealed to be filled with jellyfish smell. Rita holds her breath while Lisa has her mask.]
Lisa: "It reeks of hot jellyfish in here!"
Lynn: "It's good luck for the team."
[Second part starts: Lynn does the team dance.]
Lynn: "Bring the sting! Bring the sting! Bring the sting!" [Lynn pokes her fingers at Lola, disinterested along with Lana on her right.] "It's good luck for the team."
[Third part starts: Lori is texting on a cellphone.]
Lynn: "Lori, get up with our mascot and do the Wiggle!"
Lori: "Please don't make me do this."
[Lori shrieks, but is forced by Lynn to dance. She proceeds to dance the Wiggle, only to be humiliated in front of the audience, causing her to cover her face out of embarrassment.]
Lynn: "It's good luck for the team."
Lori: "Sorry Lynn, but your game day superstitions are way too intense."
Lynn: "Yeah, that's why they work!"
Lisa: "Disagree. Superstitions derive from the assumption that a connection exists between co-occurring, non-related events. Ergo, superstitions are hooey."
Lynn: [Despondant] "So, you're all bailing on me?" [The family all look at each other.] "Fine, well there's no point in going solo, so I guess I'll just miss the most important game of my life."
[Lynn sadly trudges upstairs, and Lynn Sr. can't just watch this.]
Lynn Sr.: "Wait, I'll go with you, LJ." [Grabs two of his kids, who try to escape.] "So will Lincoln and Luan."
Lincoln: "Oh, man."
Luan: "Why us? I like hokey, not hockey."
Lynn Sr.: "Cause you're good siblings, and you were the closest." [The two are annoyed.] "I'll buy you funnel cake."
[Luan and Lincoln are intrigued.]
Lincoln: "We each get our own funnel cake."
Luan: "And one of those big foam fingers, my prop game needs some refreshing."
Lynn Sr.: "Deal."
Lynn: "Whoo!" [Jumps on them] "Yeah!" [Hugs them] "Sweet!" [Drops them] "But you can't go looking like that." [Later, all three are wearing brown beards.] "Okay, lucky playoff beards are locked and loaded. Hands in!" [They do so] "What time is it?"
Lincoln: [Check his phone] "Uh, it's twelve-thirty."
Lynn: [Buzzer sound] "No, it's game time!" [Opens the door] "Go! Go! Go!" [Lincoln and Luan run out, but Lynn Sr. trips.] "Get it together, Loud, let's see some effort."
[Body slams him out the door.]
[At the arena, the crowd is going wild.]
Lynn: [High fives everyone] "What's up, my tentacle troopers? Whoo-hoo-hoo!" [Attempts to high five the security guard, but she doesn't budge. Aggravated.] "How you gonna do me dirty like that on game day, Fern?" [Fern turns her head with a slow crackle, she and Lynn stare each other down, sharply at pushpins.] "They call her Stern Fern, she's the most feared usher in the league. One time, she kicked out the mascot for sneezing too Loud." [The mascot nods in agreement.] "Fern takes this hockey stuff way too seriously." [Notices Luan and gasps.] "Luan, no! You can't sit like that, pretzel style only on game days, it's good luck." [Luan sits with her legs crossed.] "You too, Pops, crisscross applesauce."
[Lynn Sr. tries to cross his legs but is unable to, so Lynn Jr. does it for him.]
Lynn Sr.: [His legs tied in a knot.] "If I'd known, I would have done some pregame stretches."
Luan: "Looks like this pretzel's a little salty." [Laughs]
Hot Dog Vendor: "Hot dogs, funnel cakes. Get your hot dogs and funnel cakes!"
Lincoln: "Ah, the reason I'm here. I..."
Lynn: "Stop, you can't order food from him, he's a mush, bad luck. Hey, Vikki!" [Vikki looks] "Let me get two porksters and a couple of doughboys, goofy foot style!" [Vikki nods and gets them ready.] "That's your standard hotdog with powdered sugar, and funnel cake with mustard, it's good luck for the team." [Vikki gets the unusual delicacies prepared and tosses them to Lynn. Lynn Sr., Luan, and Lincoln are less than appetized. Suddenly Lynn knocks Lincoln over.] "Rowdy McQuads is on a breakaway!" [On the ice, Rowdy has the puck and is charging down the rink, he shoots, and the goalie falls backwards from the impact.] "He puts the biscuit in the basket!" [Clutches her brother, who has funnel cake and mustard all over his face.] "See? I told you these were lucky." [Takes some off Lincoln's face and eats it.] "Ah, tastes like luck." [Second period starts] "Okay, second period is starting, time to change."
Lynn: [Puts on a bigger hockey jersey.] "Yeah, I have a first-period jersey, a second-period jersey, and a third-period jersey. Now get in." [Puts the jersey on Lincoln, and they share it. On the ice, the referee drops the puck, Rowdy wins the face-off and shoves the other forward away, he goes straight to the goalie, who winds up on top of the net, Rowdy casually tips the puck into the goal.] "Woot-woot! Two, one, Jellyfish!" [Rubs Lincoln's head.] "Good work, bro."
Lincoln: "What did I have to do with that goal?"
Lynn: "Team effort, the more people in this jersey, the better the luck." [Starts looking at her dad and sister.]
Lynn Sr.: "What?" [Lynn brings them into the jersey as well.] "So, this is cozy."
[Lynn farts, and her family tries to escape the stink.]
Lynn: "No, no, no, you gotta stay in it, it's good luck for the team." [Looks at the ice.] "Uh-oh."
Announcer: "And the Gaba Ghouls score!"
Lynn: "This isn't working, everyone out." [They all get out of the jersey, and Lynn takes out some jellyfish hats.] "Quick, put these on." [Rowdy takes a slapshot] "He shoots." [The goalie ducks in cover, the puck flies through the net and dents the rink behind it.] "He scores! I knew the lucky hats would get us back on track."
[Tosses hers into the rink, As does everyone else with their hats.]
Lynn Sr.: "Oh-no, it's a lice outbreak!" [Grabs Luan's and Lincoln's hats.] "Shed the hats, kids!"
Lynn: "It's not lice, it's a hat trick. When a player scores three goals, fans throw their hats on the ice." [Lynn notices her arch nemesis.] "Lose the hat, Fern." [Fern huffs] "You're the only one who still has one on, and we're so close to a win!"
[Lynn snatches Fern's hat and throws it onto the ice.]
Fern: [Growls] That's it!" [Blows her whistle] "You're out of here!"
Lynn Sr.: [Having heard that] "Ha, sounds like some loser's getting the ol' boot from the arena." [Laughs, then sees at who it is.] "And that's your sister." [Fern is carrying a struggling Lynn under one arm.] "Hold tight, LJ! We're coming for ya!"
Lynn: "No! I'll be fine! You all have to stay here and keep my good luck rituals going!"
Lincoln: "What good luck rituals?"
Lynn: [As she's carried out.] "I taped a list to my seat!"
[Lincoln checks, finds the list, and sees how long it is. He and Luan groan.]
[Lynn gets thrown out of the arena; she gets up, brushing off the dust, and sighs. She notices her sports buddy and next-door neighbor watching the game on his phone.]
Mr. Grouse: "Got kicked out, Loud?"
Lynn: "Yeah, you too?"
Mr. Grouse: "Yep, somebody sold me a bum ticket."
[Mr. Grouse shows Lynn the ticket, which reads
"FLIP'S TICKETS ROYAL FOREST vs SMTHN GHOULS," the word 'FOREST' crossed out and 'WOODS' written on top. Mr. Grouse sighs and offers an earbud to Lynn; she accepts and watches.]
Announcer: "And Jersey ties the game!"
[Lynn and Mr. Grouse groan, Lynn starts jogging in circles in despair.]
Mr. Grouse: "Come on, Jellyfish! You can't play dump and chase hockey."
Lynn: "This is all happening 'cause I'm not inside doing my rituals. I gotta get back in there or the Jellies are history."
[She hears a door open and sees the mascot standing in the back entrance to blow his nose. He throws the tissue into a bin as someone is wheeling it by; Lynn chuckles with an idea.]
[Later, Lynn pops out of the bin, inside the arena.]
Lynn: "Ha, ha, I'm in."
Fern: [Offscreen] "Hey! I thought I kicked you out!"
Lynn: [Smugly] "Fern, we meet again." [Fern paws the ground, huffs & puffs, and charges like a bull. Lynn jumps out of the bin, tips it over, and makes a run for it. Fern jumps over the bin and gives chase. Lynn quickly turns a corner and Fern charges right past] "Bingo." [Keeps running, Fern right behind. Fern stops in front of the ice resurfacer and sniffs but keeps running. Meanwhile, Lynn is hiding in the resurfaced and sighs, then gets nervous as the maintenance man starts it up.]
[In the rink, Lincoln is struggling under the weight of something.]
Lynn Sr.: "Jelly, jelly, jelly. Ah, jelly, jelly, jelly. Ah, jelly, jelly, jelly."
[Lincoln and Luan are holding up their father as he does the wiggle.]
Lincoln: "How long do we have to do this?"
Luan: "Lynn said for the rest of the game."
Lynn Sr: "I don't know, I'm kinda digging being a jellyfish."
[Lynn Sr. continues dancing when suddenly...]
Hockey Fan: [Offscreen] "Down in front, buddy!"
[The lady throws her popcorn at Lynn Sr., and he & Luan fall over.]
Lincoln: [Looks at the ice] "Um, guys, Lynn's back."
[On the ice, the maintenance man is resurfacing the ice, and Lincoln can see Lynn hiding in the resurfacer. Lynn gives him a thumbs up, but then looks over to see the other ushers ready waiting, she looks the other way.]
Fern: [Eyes red with anger.] "Get her!"
[Lynn escapes from the moving resurfacer and runs onto the ice, away from Fern and slipping past several security guards. She slides by the Jellyfish players’ bench, high-fiving the players and past a trio of fans—who each raise a “10” card, one of which is scratched out for an 11. Eventually, Lynn finds herself on the scoreboard.]
Announcer: “Check it out, this fan moves like a penguin! Give it up for the Penguin!”
[Lynn makes penguin motions to the delight of the crowd. Suddenly, Fern tackles her from behind; the crowd boos.]
[Lynn is enclosed in a jail cell.]
Fern: “Settle in! I have a feeling it’s gonna take me extra long to find one of your parents.”
[Fern walks away cackling. Lynn tries to bust out of the bars, grunting and struggling--but to no avail.]
Lynn: “I don’t have time for this, Fern! My team needs me!”
Flip: “So, what are you in for?”
[Lynn turns around; Flip is sitting on a bench.]
Flip: “Yeah, that’s the name, don’t wear it out. I got busted for selling inauthentic game tickets.”
[Flip reaches into his pocket and pulls out the “tickets.” The tickets read “FLIP'S TICKETS ROYAL FOREST vs SMTHN GHOULS” with “FOREST” crossed out and replaced with “WOODS,” just like Mr. Grouse's ticket from earlier.]
Lynn: “Well, I’m in here for no good reason! Unless you count being the most committed Tentacle Trooper in the whole arena.” [Lynn grunts.]
[Lynn springs up to the bars; Fern walks up.]
Lynn: “Did the Jellyfish score?”
Fern: “Nope, New Jersey just went up by a goal with one minute left. GABA-GHOOOUUUUL!”
Lynn: “You’re a Gaba-Ghoul fan?”
Fern: “Hope your team’s better at playing golf than they are at hockey, ‘cause they’re about to be on vacation.”
[Fern walks away laughing; Lynn goes back to Flip.]
Lynn: “This is all my fault! The Jellyfish are gonna lose ‘cause I can’t be out there doing my rituals!”
[Flip digs into his pocket and holds out a white slip of paper.]
Flip: “Uh, any interest in buying an authentic 'get out of jail free' card?”
[Cut to outside the arena; Lynn kicks the entrance door open, grunting in anger. Lynn Sr., Luan, and Lincoln trail behind.]
Lynn Sr.: “L.J., wait up!”
Lynn: “Not the time, Dad. You know I need a 24-hour cooling-off period after losses.”
Lynn Sr.: “Bu-but honey--”
Lynn: “Look, no offence, but I don’t want to talk about the game at all.”
Rowdy: “Hey, it’s the Penguin!”
[Lynn turns to look; she gasps in shock and awe. It’s Rowdy McQuads!]
Lynn Sr.: [Puts his hand on Rowdy’s shoulder.] “Yeah, uh, not the time, Rowdy.”
Lynn: “Wait, were you talking to me?”
Rowdy: “Yeah, we’ve been calling you 'The Penguin' in the locker room! I’ve never seen anyone move like that on the ice. And I would know, I’m--”
Lynn: “Rowdy McQuads! The Michigan Maniac! Record holder for most goals and most penalty minutes in a single pro season! Hockey Hotshot Magazine called you a 'grinder with a heart of gold' who enjoys snowmobiling, hiking, and crocheting in his free time!”
Rowdy: “So, you’ve heard of me?”
Lynn: “Look, Rowdy, I owe you a big-time apology. When I was doing all my gameday rituals, the Jellyfish were winning, then I got kicked out of the arena and you guys lost.”
Rowdy: “But we didn’t lose. We won.”
Lynn: [Surprised] “What? How? I wasn’t there to do my good luck stuff!”
Rowdy: “We athletes are a strange breed with our superstitions. I’ve worn the same pair of underwear every game since college. Actually, I’m wearing them right now.” [Lynn Sr. drags Lynn away from Rowdy slightly, eyeing Rowdy with caution.] “But the more you play the game, the more you realize that sports aren’t predictable. Honestly, it’s the unpredictability that makes playing the game fun.” [Rowdy reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cellphone.] “Hey, you think I can get a pic? The guys in the locker room aren’t going to believe I met the Penguin!”
[Lynn and Rowdy pose for a picture. The camera flashes—fading away to reveal a phone picture of a dishevelled Rowdy and Lynn, with a speech bubble that reads “Cheeze.” Lynn Sr. kneels down over Lynn’s shoulder, chuckling hesitantly.]
Lynn Sr.: “Remind me to buy you a new mouthguard when we get home.”
[Lynn covers up her mouth in mild embarrassment.]
[On the road, the Louds drive back home. The Lynns are up in front while Luan and Lincoln ride in the row behind.]
Lynn Sr.: “Wow, honey, what a day! Your team made the playoffs and you got to meet your hero.” [Leans toward Lynn] “And I think he taught us all a little something, too.”
Lincoln: “Yeah, if you’re famous you can wear the same underwear whenever you want. But I do it two days in a row and I’m a weirdo?”
Luan: [Points to Lincoln] “He meant you don’t have to be superstitious.”
Lynn: “Maybe you guys are right. From now on, I won’t be superstitious. For hockey games. On Fridays. After 2 p.m. In the month of March.”
[The rest of the family groans as the car drives off.]
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