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The following is a transcript for the episode "Crown and Dirty."
Script[]
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The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
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[Open on Luna and Lincoln in the living room watching TV.]
Dream Boat Announcer: "Previously on a previous recap of a previous Dream Boat-"
[A bored Lincoln changes the channel]
Announcer: "Do you suffer from an excess of gas?"
[Lincoln changes the channel]
Soap Opera Woman: "Big Papa, I won't let them take our trout farm!"
[Lincoln changes the channel to Dana Dufresne]
Dana: "Why, hello, Royal Woods. I'm Dana Dufresne. You might remember me as host from last year's Little Miss Oyster Mushroom Pageant."
[A door slams, and Lola leaps onto the couch]
Lola: "What's going on? My pageant senses are tingling." [Lincoln groans] "Shh."
Dana: "We're taking entries right now for the Little Miss Mothers and Daughters Pageant. And in honor of the event, I'll be hosting with my mom, Didi Dufresne, Little Miss Yoyo 1958!" [Didi throws a yoyo] "Way to walk the dog, Mama. So hurry and enter. Registration ends soon."
Lincoln: "Lola, you gonna enter with Mom?"
Lola: [scoffs] "Yeah, if I wanna lose."
Luna: "What do you mean, dude?"
[Rita enters the house with Lily and several groceries, a smashed egg carton on her face.]
Rita: "Nothing like having to wrestle another mom in the produce section over the last carton of eggs, but I took her down."
[Her kids stare at her and blink, before she heads upstairs laughing madly.]
Lola: "See? Hot mess express! Mom is not pageant material, and Lola Loud has a reputation to maintain. Lucky for me, Mom would never even want to do a pageant." [leaves, humming]
Luna: [whispers to Lincoln] "Eh, I guess she doesn't know."
[Lola pops back in]
Lola: "My hot gossip senses are tingling! Spill it!"
Luna: "Mom has really been into mother-kid activities these days. She insisted on jamming on tambourine during the Moon Goats' last gig."
Lincoln: "And she insisted on playing David Steele's mom in my latest film. The two-hour homework scene she added really slowed down the action."
Lola: [groans and pulls them together] "As long as you two keep your mouths shut, Mom won't find out about the pageant." [leaves]
Luna: "Bro, she's a lot today."
THE NEXT DAY
[The twins' room. Lola is having a tea party with Eunice and Mr. Sprinkles]
Lola: "The entry window for the pageant is about to close, and Mom never found out. This victory tea is going to taste especially yummy today." [takes a sip of tea]
Leni: [off-screen] "OMGosh, Mom. Are you and Lola gonna enter this pageant?"
[Lola spits her tea onto Mr. Sprinkles, sending the teddy bear right onto the front door.]
Rita: "Lola, sweetie, look what Leni just found online."
[She and Leni enter the twins' room and show Lola the pageant]
Lola: [to Eunice, with gritted teeth] "I specifically told you to destroy the Internet, Eunice!"
Rita: "It's a mother-daughter pageant! We should enter." [hugs Lola] "Wouldn't that be fun?"
Lola: [feigning sadness] "Wow, just oodles of fun, I'm sure, but aww, I bet it's too late to enter."
Rita: "Aw."
Lola: "Oolong tea, anyone?"
Leni: "It says there's still two minutes left." [gasps] "C'mon, Mom, I'll help you register on your computer."
[They leave]
Lola: [sarcastically] "Oh, Leni, how could I ever repay you?"
Leni: "Not necessary. Giving is my brand." [leaves]
Lola: [sighs] "Well, if I have to do that pageant with Mom, I can at least make sure we win." [slams the table] "I have a rep to protect!"
[Lola and Rita are outside the house. Lola has a whistle and blows it]
Lola: "Welcome to the Lola Loud Pageant Boot Camp. We've got a lot of fabulousness to cover."
Rita: "Ooh, sounds fun."
Lola: "THEN I'M NOT EXPLAINING IT RIGHT! First up, pageant strut. We need to be in perfect sync, so that's why we must always remember FPWSGBC: Form, Posture, Wave, Smile, Grace, Balance, Confidence. Easy. Now let's see what you've got." [blows whistle]
[Rita tries to strut, but her knee gives in and she collapses]
Rita: "Sorry, my trick knee. I should not have jumped out of that plane for Lincoln's movie."
Lola: [blows whistle] "Stretch it out and try it again."
[A montage ensues of Rita trying to strut and Lola constantly correcting her]
Lola: [blows whistle] "Watch that posture! Sell that wave! Let's see some grace. More teeth, less gums!"
[Rita walks into a trashcan]
Rita: "Sorry."
[Lola runs over and blows the whistle multiple times.]
[Lola and Rita are standing near the garage. They're both holding a dance ribbon.]
Lola: "Okay, now watch carefully." [Lola proceeds to do a quick ribbon dance routine while pointing out her steps.] "Back, front, flip, twist, shimmy, shimmy, turn, flip, toss and catch." [she finishes the routine by doing a split and catching the ribbon with her teeth.] "Any questions?"
Rita: [gasps, getting an idea] "You know what we could do instead? The dance we did for your preschool talent show. We had so much fun. Remember?"
[Flashback to said talent show. Rita and Lola are wearing matching tuxedos with top hats and perform a short, synchronized tap dance routine to ragtime piano music, which ends with them posing.]
Lola: "Fun, yes." [cut to the present. Rita is disappointed that Lola rejects the proposition.] "But that won't win us the crown! Now dance!" [she begins swirling the ribbon around her body while Rita follows suit.] "Back, front, back, front, back-"
[Suddenly, Rita's ribbon gets snagged on the swing set. Rita is unsuccessful in pulling it out and is instead flung into the swing all tangled up. Lola approaches and, instead of helping her, blows her whistle while giving an unimpressed look.]
[Lola is back in her room having a tea party with her stuffed animals. She sips her tea and growls]
Lola: "Yes, Eunice, I am drowning my sorrows in oolong. I have no shot at winning the pageant with Mom." [gasps] "What did you say, Mr. Sprinkles? Did you just suggest I dump my own mother from the pageant?" [gasps] "And then find someone else to take her place? I had no idea you were this devious, Mr. Sprinkles, but I like it."
[The dining room. Rita is typing on her laptop when Lola shows up, seemingly teary-eyed.]
Rita: "Lola, I had an idea for our pageant costumes." [shows the screen] "Leopard print jumpsuits. How fun would that be?" [Lola bursts into tears] "Or we don't have to."
Lola: "It's not that. Well, maybe just a little. They--I can barely speak the words, Mother!" They cancelled the pageant!" [sniffles] "A national sash shortage. Oh, curse you, silk makers!"
Rita: "Oh, that's too bad. I was really looking forward to it."
Lola: "Me too. It just breaks my heart!" [leaves the dining room, and when the coast is clear, drops the act] "You did the right thing, Lola. I mean, leopard print?" [shudders]
[Lola drives her jeep into the Royal Woods Mall with Mr. Sprinkles and Eunice]
Lola: "OK, remember, you two, we are on the lookout for a mom replacement who has that certain something it takes to win the crown with me. Any questions?" [They don't say anything] "Yes, Eunice. I'm not buying you another mani-pedi! Stop asking!" [She peeks out from behind a potted plant and spots Liam's Mee-maw with Virginia.] "Ooh, big hair, on-point makeup... Liam's Mee-maw has potential."
[Suddenly, Liam's Mee-maw shoves a shower cap on Virginia]
Mee-maw: "C'mon, Virginia, honey! Bath time!" [shoves Virginia in the fountain and starts scrubbing, only for Virginia to jump out of the fountain] "But we still gotta scrub behind those cute little piggy ears!" [runs after Virginia]
Lola: "Ugh. I think not."
[Lola peeks out from behind a popcorn stand and spots a rollerblading girl]
Lola: "Ooh, such grace." [The girl runs into a garbage bin] "Ugh."
[Now, she's spying on Mrs. Johnson doing yoga]
Lola: "Eunice, look at that hip!"
[Suddenly, Mrs. Johnson's body gives way and she collapses]
Mrs. Johnson: "Ooh, my hip!"
[Lola groans and facepalms]
[Lola is back in her jeep and driving towards the exit. Mrs. Bernardo is at the exit as well]
Lola: "I'm never gonna find a fake mom. What am I going to do? It's not like a replacement is gonna just walk through those doors." [sighs]
[Suddenly, Mrs. Bernardo enters the door]
Mrs. Bernardo: "Won't you join me in my one-woman show?" [hands someone a flyer] "I'll be dancing up a storm."
[Lola skids to a halt and gasps as Mrs. Bernardo hands out more flyers and dances in the fountain court. Mrs. Bernardo grabs a man and dances with him before Lola shoves him out of the way and dances with her.]
Lola: "Such fancy footwork."
Mrs. Bernardo: "Why, thank you, my dear child."
Lola: "Any chance you'd be interested in the acting role of a lifetime?"
Mrs. Bernardo: "Uh, would Hamlet be interested in revenge against Claudius?" [laughs] "The answer to both is a resounding yes. Yes! What's the part?"
Lola: "I need someone to pretend to be my mom in a mother-daughter pageant." [Mrs. Bernardo finishes the dance by falling into Lola's arms.] "I'd use my own, but she's, uh, suddenly unavailable."
Mrs. Bernardo: [gasps] "A maternal role? That has the potential for some raw emotion. I'll do it!"
Lola: "Wonderful! The pageant's tomorrow, so rehearsals start now." [heads back to her jeep] "Eunice, Sprinkles, make room for our new mommy!" [lets Mrs. Bernardo into the jeep]
[A montage begins in which Mrs. Bernardo dons a Rita wig, practices strutting and waving with Lola, and does a synchronized ribbon routine. It's enough for Lola to shed tears of joy.]
[The next day, it's the day of the pageant]
Dana: "Welcome to the Little Miss Mothers and Daughters Pageant!"
[The audience applauds. Cut to the dressing room, where Mrs. Bernardo still has the Rita wig and is dressed in her own version of Lola's dress]
Lola: "We are going to slay this pageant!" [chuckles] "Look at all those other girls and their moms. It's like they're not even trying to win." [laughs]
[The girls and moms include one girl with her rocker mom and another girl and her identically-dressed mom eating ice cream. Lindsay and Claudette pass by]
Lola: "Hey, Lindsay. Claudette. Why is everybody so calm? Usually, these pageant girls are out for blood."
[Both laugh]
Lindsay: "Oh, funny, sweet, completely oblivious Lola. This is a mother-daughter pageant, sweetie. We all know it's not about winning."
Claudette: "Oui. It's just about spending time with our mamans. Oh, what fun we are having. I wouldn't trade it for any crown or sash or scepter or--"
Lola: "Yeah, I get it, Claudette." [They go their separate ways. Lola sits on her seat and mopes] "What have I done? Mom just wanted to have fun with me, and I went and dumped her. Am I the worst daughter ever?" [nudges Eunice] "You didn't have to answer so fast, Eunice, but you're right. And the worst part is, I'm missing out on doing this with my mom."
Mrs. Bernardo: "Sweet child, I overheard your heart-wrenching plight. I'll happily bow out so your mother can join you." [takes off wig]
Lola: "That's sweet, but I know Mom is gonna be really hurt when I tell her I fibbed. She won't want to do the pageant with me." [hugs her stuffed animals]
Mrs. Bernardo: "Thou shalt never know unless thou tryest."
Lola: "You're right! Thank you, Mrs. B!" [leaves]
[Lola comes back to the Loud House and sees Rita coming down the stairs]
Lola: "Mom!" [hugs Rita] "I fibbed! The pageant wasn't cancelled. I only said that to make you drop out. I was worried you'd ruin my chances of winning."
Rita: "That's very disappointing, sweetie. I wish you'd been honest with me."
Lola: "I know. I'm sorry, and I was wrong to do it anyway. All I wish is to have you back as my pageant partner so we can have fun together. What do you say?"
Rita: "I don't think I can do it, Lola..." [Lola gasps] "...unless you hurry up and find us something to wear!"
Lola: "Aww!" [hugs Rita] "Thanks, Mom!"
[Lola and Rita are now at the pageant, reprising their preschool talent show tap dance to ragtime piano music minus their top hats.]
Lola: "Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, back."
Rita: "Ooh..."
[They finish the dance and laugh]
Judges: "Aww!"
[Later, Lola and Rita leave the pageant hall]
Rita: "Well, sweetie, I hope you're not too upset about us not winning."
Lola: [chuckles] "No way! Having fun with you was better than any crown."
Rita: "Oh, good, because I already ordered those matching leopard-print jumpsuits."
[Lola reacts in horror. The end.]
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