Lana: "What's up, podcast listeners? Lana Loud here! You may be wondering where I am right now. Well, it's only the most awesomest place I know: The Royal Woods Animal Shelter!" [a celebratory jingle plays] "Let me introduce you to some of my BFFFs! That's Best Furry Friends Forever. Pet call!" [barking is heard] "He is 44 pounds of pure beef! Loves cold hot dogs, sniffing butts, and snapping at imaginary flies! Meet Rocket the German Pinscher!" [Rocket burps] "Whoa, Rocket-man. Hot dog breath? I love it! We also have a tabby who ain't too shabby. She's got the voice of an angel 'cause she is one. It's Feline Dion!" [Feline Dion meows] "And last but certainly not least is my best bird buddy. He's a cockatoo with a sick 'do! Captain Ron!" Captain Ron:[squawks] "Ron's a babe!" Lana: "I've been working on his self-esteem." [a guitar cord plays] "I almost forgot. Listeners, say hello to the head volunteer at the shelter. She's Luna's other better half: Sam!" Sam:[plays ukulele] "♫ Good to be here, Lana! ♫" Lana: "She likes to serenade the animals with her ukulele." Sam: "They really love it." [plays ukulele]
♫ Look into their eyes and it's easy to see ♫ ♫ How happy all my furry little friends can be ♫ ♫ Look into their eyes and you'll be sure ♫ ♫ Doesn't matter if they have two legs or four ♫ Lana: ♫ Or even if they potty on the floor ♫
[The dogs all howl in harmony.] Lana:[notices something] "Hey, what's with all the balloons?" Sam: "I'm setting up for adoption day! Oh, can you give me a hand?" Lana:[horrified] "Adoption day?! NOOOOOOOO!" [starts popping balloons] Sam:[sternly] "Hey! Bad Lana. No popping the decorations." Lana: "But Sam, if my BFFFs get adopted I might not ever see them again!" Sam: "Look, I totally get it, Lans. It's hard to let them go but we don't want them to stay here forever. They should have good homes." Lana: "Ugh. Fine. But I have some questions for these so-called 'adopters'." [The door opens] Sam: "Speaking of, it sounds like we have a possible adopter at the door. Watch how it's done, Lana." Flip: "Greetings, animal weirdos. I was wondering-" Sam: "Hey there, Flip. You here to adopt? You look like a dog guy. Can I interest you in a terrier? A Staffordshire, maybe? How 'bout an English bulldog?" [gasps] "I know! I've got the perfect pup for you!" Flip: "Wait! I'm not-" Sam: "How do you feel about face licks?" Lana: "Aw! Not Slob Marley! He's our number-one slobber-er!" Sam:[whistles] "Come here, mon!" [Slob Marley jumps on Flip and licks his face all over] Flip: "Gah! Ahh! My face ain't no ice cream cone!" [Slob Marley barks] "I'm drownin' over here! Ahh! His tongue went up my nose!" Sam: "Alright, Mr. Marley, give Flip some breathing room." [Slob Marley gets off Flip, barks, and whines.] Lana: "Good boy, Slob." Flip: "I think you got the wrong idea-r. I ain't here for no companion." Lana:[relieved] "Oh, you're not? Oh, sweet!" Flip: "I'm here to use the pet spa facilities. It's the most affordable place in town to deep clean my 'stache. See the nacho cheese? It gets fused to the hairs." Lana: "Pet spa? You mean this hose?" [blasts Flip with the hose] Flip:[coughs] "That should do it! Thank you! I'm taking one of these free cookies for the road." [takes a dog biscuit and starts munching on it] Sam: "Flip knows that's a dog biscuit, right?" Lana: "Eh, one won't hurt him. Honestly, it's probably the healthiest thing he's eaten all day." [Flip leaves] Sam:[disappointed] "Hmm. Well, that was a bust." [cheerfully] "But we got a whole day of adopting ahead of us, so I'm gonna go grab us some food. You like probiotic grain sandwiches?" Lana:[burps] "Ick. I'm good with the dog biscuits." [takes one and chews on it] Sam: "Cool. If anyone comes in to adopt while I'm gone, promise me you'll make an effort. Remember, we want these guys and gals to find forever homes. You just gotta..." [plays ukulele] "♫ Show everyone how pets can be fulfillin' / Don't matter if you're on the go or just straight chillin' / Pet parenting can be totally thrilling! ♫ THANK YOU, ROYAL WOODS ANIMAL SHELTER!" [leaves] [The door opens again] Lana: "Listeners, it looks like we have another potential adopter." Mayor Davis: "Well, hello there, Lana Loud." Lana: "Oh, hey, Mayor Davis! You here to adopt?" Mayor Davis: "Yes! Yes, I am!" Lana: "Have a seat. I got some questions." Mayor Davis:[steps on a chew toy] "Oh!" Lana: "And watch out for the chew toys." Mayor Davis: "Oh, you have a little clipboard. How official." Lana: "Why do you want a pet?" Mayor Davis: "Well, I love animals! I've had pets my whole life. I'm looking for a dog who can accompany me on the campaign trail and, if things are really going south, rally voters." Lana: "Dogs are a big responsibility. What are your qualifications?" Mayor Davis: "Well, I, uh, run a town. I also have a big backyard, tons of toys, and give really great hugs." Lana: "Fine. Let's start in the dog room." [They enter the dog room. All the dogs in there start barking] Mayor Davis: "There are some cuties in here! Uh, Lana? Is that a goat?" [A goat bleats] Lana: "Yeah, that's Greg. We weren't sure where to put him but he seems to really get along with the dogs. But not the mini-horses. Don't ask." [A horse whinnies.] Mayor Davis:[gasps] "Lana, you don't need to take me any further! I'll take this little pumpkin!" [It turns out she's talking about Rocket] Lana: "Oh no, listeners! She's pointing at Rocket!" Mayor Davis: "Rocket? Hmm. Don't care so much for that name, but I can change that, right?" Lana: "Uh, what? I gave him that name!" Mayor Davis: "He looks more like a Chaz to me, or a Gilbert, or a Chubby Wubby Tubby Nubby!" [starts petting Rocket] "Do you want a belly rub? Do you like the name, Chubby Wubby Tubby Nubby?" Lana: "Rocket is a German pinscher. That means he's a working dog and is gonna need a ton of exercise." Mayor Davis: "I think I can manage. I'm a practitioner of capoeira, the Brazilian art of dance fighting." [grunts as she practices a few moves] Lana: "Yeah, but I'm gonna need to make sure you can keep up with him. How many miles can you run?" Mayor Davis: "Huh?" Lana: "Jog in place and go!" [Mayor Davis starts jogging] "Faster! Faster! Rocket needs to get out a ton of energy every day or he'll start eating your shoes!" Mayor Davis:[exhausted] "I shouldn't have worn high heels today!" Lana: "Aaaaaaand time!" Mayor Davis: "Oh!" Lana: "I'll have my people get in touch with your people." Mayor Davis: "Can't I just take Chubby Wubby Tubby Nubby home?" Lana: "We'll talk about Rocket soon, okay? Okay, bye." [Mayor Davis leaves] "Well, listeners, that wasn't gonna work out. If an ex-marathon runner or retired pro athlete comes in here, that's one thing. But I do not think Mayor Davis can keep up with Rocket." [Rocket whines] "Trust me, Rocket. Let's hold out for the pro athlete." [the door opens again] "Whoa. Someone else is here. Hopefully they'll meet my adopting standards." Cheryl:[gasps] "Wow! Isn't this place just the cutest?" Lana: "Cheryl, what are you doing here?" Cheryl: "I saw a little ol' sign hung up in the coffee shop and I thought, "Girl, you should pick yourself up a fur baby. Yes you should."" Lana: "We'll see if you've got what it takes." Cheryl: For what?" Lana: "Adoption. So, how can I help you?" Cheryl: "Well, I am what you'd call a kitty cat type. I like kittens, I like kitten heels, I like kittens in heels, I like kittens in heels and inspirational kitten calendars-" [spots Feline] "Ooh! What about this princess right here?" Lana: "Eh, I don't know. That's Feline Dion and she hates wearing heels." [Feline meows] Cheryl: "Well, hello to you, too, Feline! Aw, she's as precious as a baby newt in a bonnet! Yes you are! I think she likes me!" Lana:[laughs nervously] "Slow your roll, Cheryl. What kind of future do you see for you and Feline? How do you plan on supporting her hopes and dreams? Do you have a college fund started?" Cheryl: "Wow, a lotta questions. Where to start? Well, we are gonna snuggle, watch soaps together, chase mice, and don't you worry that hat-wearing head of yours, I'm gonna get her the comfiest cat bed ya ever did see." Lana: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Feline won't be sleeping in your bed?" Cheryl: "Oh no, sweetie, I got a case of the Jimmy legs. And I wouldn't want to give her a lil' ol' donkey kick in the middle of the night." Lana:[writes on her clipboard] "Noted. How's your singing?" Cheryl: "What?" Lana: "Feline loves singing. It helps her go to the bathroom." Cheryl: "Get right outta town! Me too! Nice little jingle always helps me tinkle!" Lana: "No, you don't understand. You have to supply the tune, so I'm gonna need you to sing." Cheryl: "Oh, honey, I don't know. On the spot like this?" Lana: "Less stalling, more singing." Cheryl: "Well, I guess I could try. Can I get a little beat or something?" Lana: "I'll drum on the kitty litter." [drums on the litter] Cheryl:[off-key] "♫ Hush, furry baby, don't you say a word... ♫" Lana: "Uh, Cheryl-" Cheryl: "♫ Cheryl's gonna buy you a toy stuffed bird... ♫" Lana: "Cheryl!" Cheryl: "♫ And if that toy stuffed bird don't sing- ♫" Lana: "CHERYL!" [blows foghorn] Cheryl: "Honey, you scared the tinkle right outta me!" Lana:[takes it literally] "Uh, it's OK. We're used to accidents around here." Cheryl: "Bu… We were gonna do snuggles. Oh, shucks." Lana: "I don't think this is gonna work out, Cheryl. Sorry." [Cheryl leaves] "Another swing and a miss, listeners. She wasn't right for you, Feline." [Feline meows] "That singing was way off-key. You deserve, like, a professional opera singer or something." [suddenly, Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor starts playing] "Uh, do you guys hear something? I think it's coming from the door." [the door opens as the music continues] Dante: "Salutations, Lana, may I enter?" Lana: "Hey, Dante. Is that coming from you?" Dante: "It's my entrance music." [cuts it off] "Your sister, Lucy, tells me that you might be able to assist me. I'm in the market for a winged companion. It must be mysterious and foreboding, with dark plumage. I was thinking a raven, perhaps. Though, I'd settle for an unhinged pigeon." Lana: "Sorry, fresh out of pigeons. Thanks for stopping by though." Captain Ron:[squawks] "What about the captain?" Dante: "Wait, what was that?" Lana:[sighs] "This is our cockatoo, Captain Ron." Captain Ron:[squawks] "Captain in the front, party in the back!" Dante:[yelps] "That bird is brighter than the fire of one-thousand suns." Captain Ron:[squawks] "Yeah, but I got a dark energy." Dante: "Oh, that works. I'll take him." Lana: "You can't just take him from me!" Captain Ron: "Yes, he can!" Lana: "Zip it, Ron. He needs to be vetted. So Dante, are you qualified for bird ownership?" Dante: "Well, I've bat sat Fangs for Lucy. I even took him to the movies once. He's a big fan of the rom-coms." Lana:[writes that down] "Noted. Is there anything else I should know?" Dante: "I thought I'd braid the bird's hair to look like mine." Lana: "What! Uh, yeah, that's a no go for me. Ron has a very fashionable mohawk." Captain Ron:[squawks] "Ron could use a new do." [squawks] Lana: "Shhh! Not the time, Ron. Listen, Dante, while we're talkin' specifics, I should also mention that Captain Ron will only eat if you physically feed him." Dante: "Like, hand feed him?" Lana: "No, mouth feed him. Like a mama bird. Here, I'll show you." [puts crackers in her mouth, chews it up, and regurgitates it for Ron] "Now you give it a try. Quick, eat these crackers." Dante:[tries] "I don't know. I'm sorry. I can't do this." [leaves] Captain Ron:[squawks] "Wait! I'm flexible!" [squawks] Lana:[acting like it isn't her fault] "Dang. Can you believe this, listeners? We haven't found one decent adopter." [the sound of a ukulele emerges as Sam finally returns] Sam: "Lana, I'm back! Good news! They threw in some free seaweed with the grain sandwiches." [Sam burps and sighs] "How's it going in…" [realizes that all the animals are still here] "Lana, why are none of the animals adopted?" Lana: "Uh, yeah. We really haven't had anyone come by. Yep, it's been real slow." Captain Ron:[squawks, clearly upset with Lana] "Liar, liar, pants on fire." [squawks] Lana: "Okay, maybe a few people came by but they weren't good fits." Captain Ron: "She's a picky one." [squawks] Lana: "Why are you doing this to me, Ron? I fed you crackers from my mouth." Sam:[sympathetic] "Look, Lana, I know you love these animals and you're gonna miss them when they get adopted. But they belong in good homes. It's what's best for them." Lana: "But nobody who came in today was good enough for my BFFFs." Sam: "You sure about that? Or are your standards just impossibly high because you're afraid to let them go?" Lana:[sighs] "Maybe you're right. I can see why Luna likes you. You're pretty smart, I guess." [Sam starts her ukulele] "BRB, listeners. I've got some apology calls to make." [dials the phone] Sam: "♫ I'm proud of you, Lana... ♫" Lana: "Sam, I'm on the phone!" Sam: "Oh, sorry." [Later] Lana: "Okay, listeners. Lans is back and we've relocated to my house. Mom, Dad, I'm home!" Rita: "Hey, honey! How was the shelter?" Lana: "Great! It was adoption day and all the animals found good homes! And guess what? Flip, Cheryl, Mayor Davis, and Dante said I can come visit my BFFFs any time I want." Rita: "Oh, isn't that sweet?" [Bleating is heard] Lana: "Right, we're still working on a home for Greg." Lola:[upstairs] "Lana! Why is there a goat in our room?!" [squeals] "He's eating my lipstick!" Lana: "Uh, coming! Okay, listeners, gotta jet! If anybody wants to adopt a goat, call me."
