The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[It's game night at the Loud House, and Albert and Myrtle are playing The Settlers of Cat-Land with the parents and kids] Myrtle: "OK, Lola, do you have a scratching post to trade for a bag of litter and some catnip?" Lola:[chuckles] "Oh, sweetie, you have to do better than that. I'm not trading for anything less than a diamond-encrusted cat collar." Rita: "Lola, take it easy on Myrtle. It's her first family game night." Myrtle: "Oh, I don't mind. I'm just so happy to be included." [She hands over the collar, which Lola grabs while chuckling mischievously.] Albert:[chuckles] "I tell you, all this dice-rolling tonight has got me parched. Myrtle-dove, would you mind getting me another glass of water?" Lincoln: "I can do it, Pop-Pop!" [tries to leave] Albert:[pulls Lincoln back] "Thanks, kiddo, but Myrtle just has a way with water." Myrtle: "Why, I'd be happy to get it for my cutesy-wootsy Albertross." [leaves] Albert: "Oh, if you could get it from the bathroom? Just tastes better for some reason." Lana:[finishes her glass] "Ah, I've been saying that for years." Lola:[disgusted] "He does not mean toilet water, thank you very much." Albert: "I was trying to get your Gran-Gran out of the room. I've got big news." [All the kids want to listen] "I'm going to ask Myrtle to marry me!" [The kids gasp, then loudly cheer] Lynn Sr.: "Congratul-" [Rita shushes them, reminding them they're supposed to keep it a secret.] Albert: "Tomorrow at Sunset Canyon, I got it all planned out. During dinner, I'm gonna hide a ring in a meatball." [The kids stop smiling, apparently not pleased with that part of their Pop-Pop's proposal plan.] "Myrtle loves food in ball form and surprises, so it'll be swell. Ooh! Here she comes! Act natural." [Myrtle comes back to see the others trying to act casual, Albert whistling.] Myrtle:[chuckles] "You got me. I took the catnip." [removes the catnip token from her beehive hairdo]
[Later, Rita drives Albert and Myrtle back to Sunset Canyon with Vanzilla] Lola: "Bye, Pop-Pop! Bye, Myrtle!" [Rita drives off] "Ugh, a ring in a meatball? Are you sure that man's related to us?" Lincoln: "Hey, what if we thought up a cool idea for Pop-Pop's proposal, like something Myrtle would be into?" Lynn: "Yeah, well, one problem, Stinkin': We don't know that much about her." Leni: "This is totes what the Internet was made for!" [begins searching on her phone] "That, and shopping for cute knit ponchos." [gets a bunch of results and gasps] "OMGosh. Guys, there are like 110 million results for the name Myrtle. Ooh, did you know she's a type of shrub?" Luan: "Well, you've gotta include her last name. Myrtle--" [gasps] "Wait, what is Myrtle's last name?" [They all realize that in all the time they've known Myrtle, they don't actually know her last name. Just then the door opens] Lisa:[clears throat] "This is totes what science was made for."
[Lisa and Lily's room. Lisa lugs a giant invention in front of her siblings] Lisa: Now all we need to do is insert this picture of Myrtle into my imaging scanner, and it will use facial recognition software to pull up all known data about her." [The machine scans the photo, and shows Myrtle as a pirate named Paulette, a clown named Jeanine, and a fancy lady named Sherri-Ann. The siblings all gasp] Lucy: "Gasp." Luna: "Paulette, Jeanine, Sherri-Ann? They're all Myrtle, but with a whole bunch of different names!" [The machine continues to show photos of Myrtle as a snorkeling lady named Coral, a farmer named Daisy-Mae, and two women both named Jane before looping back to Coral.] Lisa: "Something is clearly amiss with our so-called Gran-Gran." Mr. Coconuts: "Well, I say we look into this dizzy dame and find out what her game is." Lisa: "I concur, but we'll need to employ a certain degree of stealth." Lincoln: "Sounds like a job for secret agent David Steele! Observe his signature tuck and roll." [tries to do so, but rolls out of control] "Cliff, watch out!" [crashes into something off-screen as Cliff yowls] "I'm OK."
[Vanzilla pulls up to Sunset Canyon. Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, and Lana enter the building to find a dance party happening in the lobby with Tyler as the DJ] Scoots: "Oh yeah! Go, Ty-Ty! Show 'em how you're gonna scratch that scratch for your big DJ gig, boyyyyyy!" Albert: "Hey hey, girls--" [the sisters rush him and Myrtle out of the dance floor] "Oh, oh, what's going on?" Luna: "Funny story. We were at home just now thinking, wow, we are the worst at shuffleboard." Lynn: "I mean, total rookies. I'm like, why the heck do I stink at this?" Lana: "Then we thought, hey, you know who could teach us?" Leni: "OMGosh, who?" Luan: "Pop-Pop and Myrtle, of course!" Mr. Coconuts: "Yeah, you're so good at shuffling, you're halfway to Buffalo!" Myrtle:[chuckles] "We really are." [Meanwhile, the rest of the siblings are hiding in a corner] Lincoln: "Let's move. Initiating David Steele tuck-and-roll." [does so and crashes off-screen; a cat is heard yowling] "I'm OK." [Lisa facepalms]
[Lincoln, Lucy, Lola, Lisa, and Lily enter Myrtle's room.] Lincoln: "Whoa. OK, let's see what we can find." [Lily looks under a bed to find a box of doilies. Lola finds a perfume spray on a table] Lola: "Ooh." [sprays herself and coughs] "Ugh, what is this?" [checks the label] "Prune Paradise?" [gags] [Lincoln opens a closet to find normal clothes.] Lincoln: "I'm starting to think that Lisa's scanner had a glitch." Lisa: "Meh, perhaps so. Aside from the excessive doilies, there's nothing out of the ordinary here." [Lola leans on the bed and accidentally activates a switch, revealing a secret room in the closet.] Lincoln: "Whoa." [They enter the room] "A secret room?" Lucy: "Odd. A trunk full of disguises." [Lily dives into the trunk and emerges wearing a wig and a pair of glasses.] Lincoln: "And passports, all with Myrtle's picture but different names." Lola: "Hey, get a load of this, people." [She's reading a marriage book] "Wedding pictures of Myrtle with a bunch of different husbands!" [The others gasp at this.]
[Meanwhile, outside Sunset Canyon, Seymour is trimming a llama-shaped hedge when it is "decapitated" by Lana throwing a disk too hard.] Lana: "Ah, dang it. We're just not getting the hang of it. I guess we're gonna need a lot more help, Pop-Pop and Myrtle." Albert: "Ha, well, the good news is you're not hitting Bernie anymore." Bernie:[With a cast on his arm] "I'm all right." [Gets hit with a puck] Albert: "Uh, as much." Myrtle: "You know what might help? Some talcum powder for their hands so they really get a grip. I'll go get some from my room." [Luna, Luan, Mr. Coconuts and Leni looks at each other nervously] Lynn: "No! I mean, we don't want to use up all your primo talcum." Myrtle: "Silly Billies, I've got plenty of talcum and doilies. I always stock up on both at the same time." [Heads off and Leni immediately sends a text which Lincoln receives] Lincoln:[Gasps] "Leni says Myrtle's on her way!" [They vacate the secret room, grabbing Lily on the way. But they hear humming outside the door, the knob turns, and Myrtle enters, she looks suspiciously. The room is empty but she goes for a closer look at something, the open window] Myrtle: "I must have left this open." [Closes the window, below it, Lucy, Lincoln, Lisa, Lola and Lily are ducked down, they sigh and run for it]
[Back at the Loud house, Lisa runs Myrtle's wedding photos through the scanner] Lisa: "This should enlighten us about Myrtle and her husbands." [The scanner processes the photos but every single husband comes up as missing] Mr. Coconuts:[gasps] "Yikes-a-rooney it says they've all disappeared." Lucy: "Gasp! Just like the Red Tarantula!" [No one knows what that means] "That's a character in Vampires of Melancholia." [Flashback to a scene from the show] "She lures unsuspecting men into marrying her then does away with them for their money!" [The Red Tarantula has her fiancé, then throws him off a cliff, and laughs maniacally. End of flashback] Lincoln: "Myrtle is gonna marry Pop-Pop then do away with him?! We have to get to Sunset Canyon and warn him!" [They all prepare to head off] Lynn: "Don't worry Pop-Pop, we'll save you." [They head off and race in Vanzilla] Luna:[frustrated] "Why isn't Pop-Pop answering?" Luan:[gasps] "The Red Tarantula probably has him trapped in her web of deceit!" Leni:[notices something] "Um, guys, there's a van behind us following like super- duper close." [There is a dark-colored van tailgating them, driving at roughly the same high velocity speed] Luna: "Um, maybe they just want to pass us." [Leni moves into the next lane, but the dark van switches into the same lane. Leni moves back and slows a little, letting the van drive past, but the van runs them off the road and drives away. Luna gets out of Vanzilla] Luna: "Dudes! What was that?!" [Leni, Lynn and Luan join her, all dizzy, Lincoln, the twins and Lucy also exit the van] Lucy: "Myrtle. She wanted to silence us so we won't tell Pop-Pop about her." [Her siblings gasp] Lincoln: "We better move quick. Come on, everyone, let's get Vanzilla out of this ditch."
[They arrive at Sunset Canyon] Lincoln: "Okay, let's split up and find Pop-Pop." [Lincoln goes to the door, passing Bernie] Bernie: "Oh, he just left with Myrtle. She said she was taking him to Sleeping Bag Dunes for the weekend, just the two of them, all alone." [Lincoln gasps] Lucy: "Gasp! This is exactly what The Red Tarantula did. She whisked all her boyfriends off for a quick wedding then… gulp… did the dreaded deed." [Lynn, Luan, Mr. Coconuts and Leni gasp] Lana: "Then why the heck are we standing here!? We've got a Pop-Pop to save!"
[Thunderclouds start gathering around the crescent moon as the siblings arrive at the dunes] Lincoln: "Alright, let's split up and find him!" [His sisters exit the van and start looking] "Pop-Pop!" Lana:[Joins Lincoln] "Oh man, he could be anywhere." Lucy: "Pop-Pop!" Leni: "Pop-Pop!" Lola: "POP-POP!" Lisa:[gasps] "Eureka! I found him!" [She points to the top of the cliff where Albert's silhouette is admiring the view, Myrtle's is seemingly creeping up behind him. Ominous lightning flashes and the siblings freak out] Mr. Coconuts: "We've gotta stop that no-good dame!" Lynn: "You said it! And the only way up is to climb." [Points up the very tall cliff] "Let's hit it." [They run as fast as they can up the cliff. They make it to the top, but struggling] Lucy: "Look!" [Myrtle's silhouette is getting closer] "Our Red Tarantula is about to strike." [The kids all run, calling out to their beloved Pop-Pop, but it's too late, Myrtle makes her move as more lightning strikes] Loud Kids: "Noooooooooo!" Myrtle:[Turns around and sees them, with a devilish look on her face] "Well, goodness me. I didn't expect to see you little angels here." [More lightning] Lynn: "Yeah! I bet you didn't, you stinkin' Pop-Pop pusher!" [Leni passes out] Lisa: "Yeah! We know all about you, Myrtle! The hidden room at Sunset Canyon." Lincoln: "The different identities." Luan: "And all those husbands you made disappear!" Lucy:[Sad] "Just like our Pop-Pop. May he rest in…" Albert:[Offscreen] "Hey, you coming down, Myrtle?!" Lucy: "...peace?" [Lana and the others looks over the cliff and see there Pop-Pop is still alive, dangling from a harness] Albert:[Sees his grandchildren] "Ah, hi, kids." Lana: "Pop-Pop, you're alive." Luna: "Dude, what are you doing down there?" Albert: "Nighttime rock climbing. It's our new favorite hobby." Lucy:[Turns back to Myrtle] "So you're not the Red Tarantula after all?" [The others turn to Myrtle] Lola: "We're just confused. What's with all the passports and disguises?" Myrtle:[putting on her climbing belt] "I suppose I ought to come clean. There's something I haven't told you kids. I'm a secret agent." [The kids can't believe their ears] "Well, I was, before I retired. Those marriages weren't even real. Those men were my fellow agents…" [Flashback to one of those weddings, Myrtle and some guy are about to have the ceremonial kiss] "..so the weddings were covers for our secret missions and none of them disappeared." [Suddenly the fake lovers swap their wedding attire for spy suits and shades. The officiant, who apparently is the guy they're apprehending, attacks the groom] "They're still working undercover, so their information is very top secret." [Myrtle grabs her partner as the officiant gets away. She fires her grappling hook and goes after him. End of flashback] Lynn: "Wow, we're sorry, Myrtle. We really got carried away." Myrtle: "No need to apologize. It just shows how much you care for your Pop-Pop, which is something we all have in common. You see, the reason I brought him here tonight…" [Takes out a little box] "Was to propose." [The girls are awestruck] I hid the ring in a meatball. Albert loves food in ball form and surprises. He's adorable. Well, here goes nothing." [Puts on her helmet and runs to jump down to her beloved] "Albertross, will you marry me?" Albert: "Aw, Myrtle Dove, only if you marry me." [Takes out his ring meatball. The lovers swing closer and kiss as the kids cheer from the top of the cliff] Leni:[Tearing up] "O, M, gosh. We could never have come up with a proposal this sweet."
[Soon enough, two birds are cuddling on a banner reading 'Happy Engagement!' as everyone celebrates Albert and Myrtle's engagement. Lynn, Lily and Lola are playing with Myrtle's disguises and Myrtle is teaching Lincoln how to tuck and roll] Myrtle: "So the secret is to hunch down like this and engage your core." [Demonstrates, Lincoln gets ready and nails it] Lincoln: "Yes! I actually did it! I can't wait to show Clyde. Thanks, Gran-Gran." [Hugs Myrtle, she returns the hug] Lynn Sr.:[Fighting tears] "Oh, Myrtle, we're just so…" [The tears win and Lynn Sr. starts bawling on Rita's shoulder] Rita:[Who's known Lynn Sr. for a long time] "He said, we're so ding-dang happy to have you as part of the family. And I couldn't agree more." Lisa:[Clears her throat] "There is one last query to address. Why in the name of Ptolemy did you run us off the road in your van?" Myrtle: "I don't know what you're talking about, hon. I don't have a van." Lucy: "But if it wasn't Myrtle…" [Suddenly they hear a honking and the van from that night flies right over their heads] Lana: "Wait, that's the same van." [The van drives right through all the party supplies and flips upside down on top of the fountain. Tyler gets out, with bright lights shining on him, and Scoots calls out the window] Scoots: "Come back, boo! I couldn't see where I was going!" Albert: "Scoots? What the heck's going on?" Scoots: "I'm the driver for Ty Ty's new mobile DJ Biz, but his disco lights keep making me run off the road." [The fountain then blasts her up] Luan: "Oh, now it makes sense."
