The following is a transcript for the episode "Present Danger."
Script[]
The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[Lincoln is in a tux while playing at Gus', roleplaying as David Steele. He crawls through a tube wielding a dart gun.] Female Student:[Offscreen; roleplaying as a MALICE Agent] "There's no escape, Agent Steele!" [Lincoln is cornered by two of his schoolmates (dressed as MALICE Agents) with their own dart guns] "Going somewhere?" [They start shooting at Lincoln, who runs towards the edge of the tube near a ball pit] Lincoln: "Hate to cut this short, MALICE. 'Cause I was having such a... ball." [He dives into the pit, firing a last ditch shot at the MALICE agents. As David Steele's theme song plays, he is then seen in silhouette walking into an orange background, and strikes poses with his dart gun.
♫ The stainless spy ♫ ♫ Your alloy ally ♫ ♫ It's David Steele ♫
[Suddenly Gus calls out to him, revealing he's standing on someone's food] Gus: "Lincoln! Bravo, buddy, but you gotta get off the table." Male Customer: "Your feet are on my wife's garlic knots!" Lincoln: "Sorry!" [Gets off the table and chuckles. To the viewers] "Well, today's a really big day. It's my twelfth birthday. Feels like I've been eleven forever, so this year, I'm doing it in style. David Steele-style." [slicks his hair back, but the cowlick pops back up] "I asked all my friends to come to Gus' dressed as their favorite MALICE villains." [Cut to his friends as said villains, starting with Liam dressed as a villain covered in gold] "You have Golden Toe," [Shows Zach dressed as a mad scientist with a pet fish] "Blowfish," [Shows Clyde in a ringleader-like outfit] "Odd Bob," [Shows Stella in a noir outfit and an eyepatch] "and Patty Whack." [Stella strikes the screen with her whip; "WHACK!"] "So far, it's been great." [His friends ambush him, but he sees it coming as they're standing on a net] "One moment..." [Presses a button, activating the trap] "Nothing but net. And now that we've finished playing Agents and MALICE, it's time for..." Rita:[sings] "PRESENTS!" Lincoln: "Yes!" [His friends free themselves from the net.] Liam: "Wahoo!" [He slips on his own butter he is spreading and break-falls off-screen. Rusty shows up in his own David Steele suit] Zach: "Rusty, the invitation said only Lincoln was supposed to dress up as David Steele." Rusty: "Sorry, dude. It's not my fault I look amazing in a tuxedo. Besides, check out the Loud seniors." [Cut to Lynn Sr. and Leonard in their own David Steele suits, ordering at their own table] Lynn Sr.:[clears throat; in a British accent] "Yes, I'll take my milkshake shaken, not stirred, please." [Lincoln squeals at his own presents.] Rusty: "Wait, we all said we weren't bringing any gifts, right?" Liam:[slides in] "We never said that, Rust." Rusty: "Well, I'm going back to the arcade. Hopefully I can win him some finger traps." [leaves] Lynn Sr.: "Well, thanks for coming, everyone. Today is a special day for a special-" [notices his dad's crying] "Dad, you know if you cry, I'm gonna-" [Both men break down sobbing hysterically in each other's arms, with Luan watching with an annoyed expression.] Rita: "Lincoln, I think what your dad was trying to say is that twelve is a Loud family landmark. He and Gramps have a special present for you. Your great-grandfather gave it to Gramps when he was twelve, and Gramps gave it to your dad when he was twelve." [Lynn Sr. and Leonard watch with proud faces.] "You ready, hon?" [Lincoln finds that the present is missing] Lynn Sr.: "Wait-wait a minute, where'd it go? It was right here!" Leonard: "Maybe it was just misplaced." [The guests are also confused and worried] Liam: "Where'd it go?" Lincoln: "Everyone, there's no need to panic. David Steele is on the case." Lola:[Annoyed] "Ah! Lincoln, you're standing in my garlic knots!" Lincoln:[notices; chuckles] "Yeah. I've gotta stop doing that." [Gus is playing pretend David Steele] Gus: "So, MALICE, you wanna mess with old Gus, do ya? DO YA?!" [swings a mop at a Muscle Fish toy] Lincoln: "Hey, Gus!" Gus:[frantically hides his mop] "Nobody was playing pretend David Steele." Lincoln: "I need your help. Have you seen anything... suspicious lately?" Gus: "I actually have..." [Lincoln gasps and goes wide-eyed] "Not." [Lincoln looks disappointed] "Yeah, no I have not. Uh, but I do know another place to look."
[They enter the security room] Gus: "There she is, the eyes and ears of-" [both gasp] "My security cameras are all blacked out! Must be those rascals after my secret garlic knot recipe! You wouldn't believe how many people try to steal it." [leans in close to Lincoln] "The secret is, uh..." [whispers] "Garlic." Lincoln: "I actually think it might have been someone trying to steal my birthday gift." Gus: "Let's check the tapes." [they go to the cameras] "Alright, just gotta hit rewind." [rewinds to earlier] [The footage shows someone firing plungers at the cameras] Lincoln: "Huh? So that's how it happened?" [Angrily] "I was right! This was a robbery!" [Gus gasps] "Can you go back a few seconds?" Gus: "Hey, this is all pretty cool. Do you think that David Steele could have some sort of pizza-themed sidekick like... the Pie Guy?" Lincoln:[sees something and points] "Right there!" Gus: "Ah! Of course. We could talk about it later." Lincoln: "There's Scoots..." [the camera shows Scoots sampling the cake] "...and Flip..." [shows Flip sticking his hand in the claw machine] "...and Chandler." [shows Chandler shaking a gift] "Three suspects. All non-partygoers. All close to the scene of the crime." [leaves with dramatic music] "Nice working with you... PIE GUY." Gus: "Yes!" [Poses] "Pie Guy!"
[Flip, Chandler, and Scoots are all sitting at a booth with pizza] Lincoln: "Room for one more?" Scoots: "Does it look like there's room for one more. Because of your dang party, I'm stuck with these two bozos at the loaner's table." Flip: "Hey, you ain't no picnic yourself there, lady!" [eats the pizza] Chandler: "What do you want anyway, Lincoln Lame?" Lincoln:[takes a seat] "Someone nabbed one of my birthday presents, and I think one of you is the culprit." [takes out a deck of cards] "The game is Go Fish. If I win, you have to turn out your pockets." Chandler: "And what's in it for us?" Lincoln: "If you win, you get to keep all my..." [close-up on his face] "Presents." [Lana, Liam, Lynn, Clyde, Stella and Zach gasp] "So, are you feeling lucky?" [The loaders look at each other] Chandler: "You're on."
[The card game is underway. Lincoln selects a card from the pile and puts down a black three of clubs and a red three of diamonds. Flip grabs a few more cards as Chandler puts down his selection. Lincoln shakes his head. Scoots growls and the players grab more cards. They all glare at each other from behind their hands.] Lincoln: "OK, Chandler, got any twos?" Chandler: "Pssh. Whatever. This game is stupid anyway." [He puts down a red two of hearts right on a black Ace of clubs. The Louds cheer] Lincoln: "Alright, the deal's the deal. Turn out your pockets." [Flip takes out nacho cheese, Scoots takes out salt and pepper shakers, the napkin box, and her fake teeth, and Chandler takes out a suspicious scroll] Gus:[recognizes the scroll] "Huh? What?!" [angrily to Chandler] "You stole my secret recipe!" Chandler: "It just says garlic." Gus: "Twenty thousand bucks on that good-for-nothing security system!" [storms off] Lincoln:[sighs in misery] "Ugh. No gift. Guess you're free to go." Gus: "Attention, everyone. I am sorry to say, but your reservation is up. The Fox quintuplets' medieval-themed birthday will be starting soon." [He rips his David Steele suit and dons a knight's helmet.] Rita:[comforts Lincoln] "I'm so sorry about your gift, honey, but I'm sure it will turn up." [to the Loud seniors] "Right, dear?" [Lynn Sr. and Leonard are sobbing their eyes out when the lights turn off. Rita and Lincoln notice a game machine is still on, displaying a message directed at Lincoln.] Lincoln:[reading the message] "I have your present, Mr. Steele." [Evil, deep laughter emanates on the loudspeakers.] "The game is on!" [Meanwhile, a mystery villain is watching Lincoln from his evil lair, menacingly stroking a cat.] Mystery Villain: "Yes, the game is on, Mr. Steele." [The cat scratches at the villain.]
[The Loud House at night. Lincoln is in his room, still in his David Steele suit.] Lincoln:[to the viewers] "If I'm gonna solve this, I'll need some help." [shows a David Steele comic book] "David Steele gets his gadgets from Cue Stick, his wisecracking, billiard-loving tech guy. I have my own tech person." [He enters Lisa's room] Lisa: "Ah, there you are, Lincoln-" [Lincoln clears his throat. Sighs, deadpan] "Secret Agent David Steele." [Lincoln smiles] "I've been working on a few inventions that might help you locate your stolen present." [As they walk by, Todd shakes a chemical, but it explodes in his face.] Lisa:[shows Lincoln a shoe] "This loafer will come in handy on your mission." Lincoln: "Uh, just a shoe?" Lisa: "Yes. With all of my superior intellect, the best I could come up with was an ordinary shoe. Watch closely." [She turns the shoe around and reveals it has springs] "These shock-absorbent coils will help you land from high altitudes. Also, the bottoms contain high-powered magnets you can activate with this watch." [She hands Lincoln a watch. He activates the shoes, and they accidentally stick onto Todd] Todd: "OW." Lisa: "Now, these shoes have one more surprise function." Lincoln:[gasps in excitement] "Ice skates? No, no, no, no, no, rockets?" Lisa:[removes the shoes from Todd] "Ergonomic soles! Great for posture." [the watch beeps] "Oh, your watch is also a phone." [Lincoln presses the watch.] Mystery Villain: "Hello, Mr. Steele." Lisa:[gasps] "Todd, initiate tracking protocol!" [Todd gets to work] Mystery Villain: "The rules of the game are simple. You have 20 minutes to find me, or you can say goodbye to your precious heirloom. Tick-tock, Mr. Steele." Todd: "I HAVE TRACED THE CALL. HE IS AT THE CONSTRUCTION SITE OF THE DAIRYLAND CONDOS." Lincoln: "Oh, that's so far away! I'll never make it in time." Lisa: "Oh, yes you will."
[Lincoln and Lisa are now at the garage. He gasps to see Lola's jeep, now modified into a spy car] Lisa: "I've re-engineered Lola's ride with the latest cutting-edge spy tech. Like your loafers, you can even control it with your watch. Oh, but do me a favor, will you? Return the car in one piece. My technology is useless against Lola's wrath..." [Hyperventilates and gulps] Lincoln: "You have my word." [presses the watch and drives off in the jeep] "Alright, let's see what this baby can do." [He presses a button and engages the extra boosters on the jeep, speeding off into the unknown.]
[Lincoln arrives at the Dairyland Condos] Mystery Villain: "Welcome, Mr. Steele. Are you ready for a game of Agents and MALICE?" Lincoln: "Where are you?!" Mystery Villain: "I am everywhere." [laughs evilly] [Lincoln spots footprints leading to what looks like the villain's silhouette on the scaffolding. He gasps and climbs a ladder] Lincoln: "There you are. End of the line for you, mystery villain!" [He removes the hat, only to reveal a decoy made of traffic cones. The villain laughs again, and Lincoln spots the real villain making off with the present.] Mystery Villain: "Looking for this?" [rises upwards on a girdle laughing] Lincoln: "Time's almost up. Think, Steele, think!" [He gets an idea and prepares a running sprint before leaping onto another girdle] "Activating magnetic shoes!" [The magnetic shoes activate, allowing Lincoln to land on the girdle. He nearly loses balance and regains control] "Woohoo!" [He continues to chase the villain across the girdles. The villain slides down a ramp and seemingly throws the present in a portable toilet.] "NOOOO! Not the port-a-potty!" [checks inside the portable toilet and grabs his present up high...] "Ah Yes!" [...except that one is a decoy as the toilet starts to shake] "Empty?!" [realizes that the portable toilet is being lifted by a crane] "Hey! Let me out of here!" Mystery Villain:[piloting the crane] "Game over, Mr. Steele. Potty is such sweet sorrow." [leaves] Lincoln: "Activating Steele Mobile!" [presses the watch; the jeep drives near the toilet] "Activating rescue mode!" [the jeep fires a plunger at the toilet and opens the door, providing Lincoln a zipline. He slides on it] "Activating heel springs!" [he lets go, bouncing on the ground, and discovers the villain entering his hideout while in mid-air] "Gotcha!" [enters the hideout] "It's over. Show yourself!" [The villain's back is facing Lincoln.] Mystery Villain: "Congratulations, Agent Steele. You've won my game." [turns to face Lincoln] "Now, here's your final surprise." [He reveals his identity to be a familiar friend] Lincoln: "Rusty?! It was you this whole time?!" Rusty: "Happy birthday! I've been planning this thing for months!" [removes his gloves] "Here's the gift from your dad and gramps." Lincoln: "But... but how did you hack into that video game to write that message? And who taught you how to operate a crane? And how did you change your voice?" Rusty: "My cousin Derek, my cousin Derek, and puberty." [Lincoln looks shocked] "JK, JK. I used this voice modulator." [speaks into the modulator] "Hello, Mr. Steele." Lincoln: "Uh, what about the port-a-potty? What if I fell?" Rusty: "Full disclosure: that was a gamble." [shrugs] Lincoln:[hugs Rusty] "That was awesome! Thank you, Rusty. This was the greatest adventure ever! One last question: where did you get that cat?" Rusty: "I actually have no idea. It's been following me around all day." [The cat meows]
[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln opens the gift] Lincoln:[gasps] "David Steele issue number one?!" Lynn Sr.: "That's right. Your gramps gave it to me when I turned twelve." Lincoln:[hugs his dad and gramps] "Thank you, guys! Oh, man, I've got to tell Clyde about this!" [presses the watch, but summons Lola's jeep by accident. Lynn Sr. and Leonard gasp] "Whoops. Heh. Wrong button." Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, is that... is that a spy car?!" Leonard: "Can we ride it?!" Lynn Sr.: "Yeah, can we?! Please, please, please, please, please?!" [Lincoln, Lynn Sr., and Leonard all pose dramatically and ride around in the jeep. Suddenly Lola catches them all in the act] Lola:[angrily] "HEY! Is that my princess ride?!" [Lincoln, Lynn Sr., and Leonard drive out of the house in the jeep with Lola chasing them.] Lynn Sr.: "Step on it, Lincoln! She's gaining on us!" Lincoln:[to the viewers] "David Steele will return." Lola:[off-screen] "LINCOLN!!!" Lincoln:[nervous] "Hopefully..." [The end]
