The following is a transcript for the episode "Present Tense".
[It's early morning in the Loud house, the kids are up making a family scrapbook.]
Luan: "Dad's gonna love this!"
Luna: "Exactly right!"
Lori: "It's perfect for his birthday!"
Lynn: "Dang, Lols, you're really on your rhinestone game today."
Lola: "Thank you for noticing, Daddy's scrapbook needs a little glam."
Lana: [Takes the glam] "And a little glue." [Takes a booger out of her nose and uses it to stick the rhinestone.]
Leni: "Best birthday present ever!"
Lisa: "Red alert people!" [The remote for Lisa's spy drone shows their dad in bed, lo oking like he's about to wake up.] "The birthday boy is stirring. Hide the scrapbook! Hide everything!"
[Everyone panics and does so.]
Lynn Sr.: "Kotaro, why didn't you tell me table five is gluten free? [Goes right back to sleep.]"
Lisa: "False alarm. It was simply an outburst of sleep talking."
[Everyone is relieved and gets back to scrapbooking.]
Luan: "Ooh, hey, check it out."
Luna: "Oh, I remember that. That was from the time you and Dad dressed as cattle to try to win tickets to Dairyland."
Luan: "Uh huh, sure ended up being a cow-tastrophe! But it was an udderly good time in the moo-ment! In fact-"
Luna: [covers her sister's mouth.] "Forget I asked, dude."
Lori: [Looking at her phone.] "Guys, you have to see what Carol Pingery just posted."
Lola: "We don't care, and why aren't you working? phones down." [Opens a glue stick and throws it in Lori's hair.]
Lori: "No, look," [Shows the post, which is Carol with her father, and a chocolate bust of him.] "that's Carol's dad, his birthday was yesterday, and she got him a sculpture of his head made out of Belgian chocolate."
Luna: [Amazed, like the others.] "Woah, that's a seriously nice gift."
Luan: "I hate to be that guy, but I'm starting to think this scrapbook isn't gonna cut it."
Lana: "Yeah, it seemed like something Dad would like, but maybe it's kind of a lame gift."
Lisa: "But what can we do now? Our time is limited, father's nearing the end of his REM cycle."
Leni: "Guys, the mall opens in ten minutes, we can find a better present for Dad there."
Lynn: "Noice, let's pool our money and buy something sick."
Lincoln: "Let's do this!"
[They clean the table and throw the scrapbook in the trash.]
[At the mall]
Lincoln: "Okay, where should we start?"
[They hear a gate opening, look over and see a store called 'Discount Menagerie', the clerk turns the lights on in the display windows, and the figurines glow different colors, the siblings are awed by this and go there.]
Luna: "One of these would look rockin' hangin' from Vanzilla's rear view mirror. What should we get?"
Lincoln: "How about a cat? Dad's always going on about how much he loves Cliff."
Lola: [Gasps] "Or a unicorn! It's magical and special, just like Daddy."
Lana: "Wait guys, I've got it; remember that time we went to the aquarium and Dad bonded with a dolphin named Kenny?"
[Flashback to Lynn Sr. swimming with a dolphin.]
Lucy: "Gasp, it's perfect."
All siblings: [Singing] "Dolphin."
[They take it to the register.]
Home Decor Employee: "Ooh, a porpoise, nice choice."
Lisa: "Hang on, what?" [Gets a closer look] "Ah, of course, the shrunkated snout should have given it away."
Lana: "We can't give this to Dad; remember that same trip to the aquarium, and the porpoise who stole his wallet?"
[Flashback to that moment]
Lynn Sr.: "Whoo! Thanks for the swim buddy."
[The porpoise whistles at him. End flashback.]
Lola: "Yeah, we couldn't get anything at the gift shop."
Lincoln: [Puts it back on the counter.] "This isn't gonna work guys, we need to keep looking."
[All except Lola leave.]
Lola: [Whispers to the clerk] "How much for the unicorn?"
[Lori returns and carries Lola away under her arm.]
[The siblings continue through the mall, when Lori gets an idea.]
Lori: "Wait, I've literally got it."
[They look at 'Dad Ties Plus'.]
All siblings: "Dad loves fun ties."
[In the store they look through the ties.]
Luna: "Ooh! My people! Why don't we get him this one?" [Holds up one with a vinyl record on it.] "Dad loves rockin' out to retro vinyls."
Lynn: "Yikes, sorry, I got him that exact tie for Father's Day, remember?"
Lola: "Eee! How 'bout this one?"
Leni: "Awe, I got Dad that for his last birthday."
Lily: [Holds up another tie.] "Gah gah?"
Luan: "Wait, didn't you get him that tie as a restaurant opening gift?"
Lily: [Scoffs] "Poo-poo."
Lisa: "Wow, we sure have gotten Dad a lot of ties. Has this gift become, tad unoriginal?"
Tie Sales Clerk: [Walks in] "Hey Loud kids, you here to buy another tie for your Dad?"
Lori: "Yeah, we should keep looking."
[Later, they are at 'Kitchen Stuffs'.]
Luan: "Hey everybody! Over here, this guy makes customized kitchen tools, we can put Dad's name on anything we want."
Lynn: [As she and the others approach.] "Oh perfect, Dad loves his name."
Lana: "Why don't we get him a new spatula? I broke his old one when I used it to mix cement."
Kiosk Cashier: "Great, you can pick your customized spatula up, mmh..." [Checks the computer.] "Next Tuesday."
Lola: [Angry] "Next Tuesday! What kind of a scam is this?!"
Kiosk Cashier: "See, first we ship the spatula to a craftsman who's trained his whole life in the art of kitchenware engraving, he's located in Germany."
Lola: [Grabs the spatula from the cashier.] "Forget that, I can just bite Dad's name into a spatula." [Starts biting the spatula, until Lori grabs it.]
Lori: [Sighs] "Spit."
[Lola spits it out and Lori gives it back to the cashier. Later they are at 'Nick's Knacks'.]
Luan: "Come on guys, we need to speed this up."
Lisa: [Checking her watch] "Luan's right, we've been gone for hours, we've already missed half of Dad's birthday."
Lincoln: [Holding a geode] "How about this fancy rock?"
Lisa: "Oh, it's called a geode." [Sees the price tag and gasps.] "And it costs a whopping three-hundred clams."
Lincoln: [Fumbles with it and gently puts it back.] "Whoa, never mind."
Luna: "You guys have to see this! If you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." [Shows what she has in mind.]
[The other approach]
Leni: "O, M, gosh, it's perfect! What is it?"
Lisa: "It's a royal guard, known colloquially as a beefeater, ideal for a father with an affinity for all things British."
Lana: "And it's a nutcracker, Dad won't have to borrow my upholstery hammer to smash open walnuts anymore."
Lori: "This is literally the best gift in the entire world! Let's go give it to Dad." [Realizes something] "Wait, where's Lola?"
[Back at 'Discount Menagerie'.]
Lola: "The unicorn, I would like to buy it from you."
[Lori comes back and carries Lola away under one arm again.]
[They return home, excited about their gift, when they hear their Dad screaming, and look in the window.]
Luna: "Uh, what's goin' on?"
[Inside, Lynn Sr. is hugging Kotaro.]
Lynn Sr.: [Sobbing] "Kotaro, this is literally the best gift in the entire world!"
Lynn: "Well, he's only saying that cause he hasn't seen our gift yet."
[Lynn holds up their nutcracker, and they all laugh, when suddenly.]
Lynn Sr.: "A real life beefeater," [In a british accent] "I can't believe it." [Laughs]
Kotaro: "[Takes out his phone.] "His post is outside of the tower of London, I used all of my airline miles to fly him out here." [Takes a photo of them.] "But wait there's more;" [Lynn Sr. squeals] "he's going to take you to lunch at Bangers and Mosh, he said he'll help you perfect your British accent."
Lynn Sr: [Sobbing again] "This is going to be the greatest experience of my life."
Lynn: "Ugh! This ding dang beef guy just made our nutcracker look so lame."
Lana: "Between this and the scrapbook, we are really O for two today."
Luan: "What are we supposed to get Dad now? The nutcracker was the best thing at the mall."
Lori: "Well, maybe we shouldn't get Dad a thing, maybe we should follow Kotaro's lead and get him an experience."
[Everyone likes the idea.]
Lynn: [Regarding the nutcracker.] "Well, won't be needing this hunk of junk anymore." [Dropkicks it away.]
Lori: "Lynn, we need to return that, or we won't have any money."
Lynn: [Realizing that] "Ah, good point, I'll go get it."
[Lynn does so.]
[Later they're at Flip's Food and Fuel.]
Lincoln: "Hey Flip, we're looking for tickets for-"
Flip: "Woah, slow down there chief, that's not my game, but I do know a handsome fella you can talk to."
[Presses some buttons on the register, and his box office emerges.]
Tucker: "Welcome to Tucker's Tix and Tux, what can I do you for?"
[Everyone except Lana rolls their eyes.]
Lana: "Okay, Tucker," [rolls her own eyes.] "we wanna buy our dad a cool experience for his birthday."
Tucker: "Well, I'm your man." [Grabs some pamphlets] "What does your pops like? Skydiving? Horseback Riding? Parasailing?"
Lana: "Ooh, parasailing sounds fun."
Lincoln: "Dad's always said if he could choose one superpower; it'd be flight."
Lori: "LJ, pay the man."
[Lynn takes out the money, but realizes something.]
Lynn: "Hey wait, we're missing a dollar."
[They hear crunching, look over and see Lola eating a bag of chips, and giving Tucker the dollar.]
Lola: "What? I was getting hungry."
[Tucker kisses the dollar. On the drive back.]
Lisa: "You know, I think this experience will mean far more to father than a material good."
Leni: "O, M, gosh!"
Lori: [Stops the van] "What?! Did I hit another trashcan?"
Leni: "No! Look what Becky just posted, she got her Dad a parasailing experience too."
[Shows the photos; Becky's dad giving a thumbs up, getting a few feet into the air; dropping back to the ground, face planting...]
Luan: Ooh, yikes, more like para-failing." [...getting dragged through the sand, Luan laughs, and finally in a full body cast, Luan gasps.] "But seriously, that looks way too dangerous for Dad."
Lola: "We need to go back to Flip's and get him something else, also I want some kettle corn."
Lori: "Buckle up."
[They make a U-turn. Back at Flip's.]
Tucker: "Sure, I can exchange your ticket for something else, minus the twenty-five percent deposit of course."
Lynn: "Fine, so what can we afford now?"
Lucy: "Landscape painting?"
Lincoln: "Ooh, what about this one? A private cooking class with celebrity chef Guy Grazer." [The girls ramble in agreement.] "Flip, we'll take it."
Tucker: "Flip? Don't know the guy, sure sounds good looking though."
[The kids drive home again.]
Luan: [Looking up Guy Grazer on her phone.] "Wow, apparently Guy Grazer has helped a lot of chefs improve their craft. Ooh, there's a video from one of his classes."
Guy Grazer: [To the student, in a harsh tone.] "What is this literal pile of flaming garbage!" [Smacks the plate right out of her hand.] "Your sauce is weak because you're weak!" [Storms off, leaving the student crying.]
Lori: "Uh, Guy seems kind of, intense."
Lucy: "Yeah, I don't think Dad would like this, he's very sensitive to raised voices."
Lola: "We have to go back and get him something else." [Everyone nods] "Also I need some sparkling water to wash down this kettle corn. [Coughs]
[Back at Flip's]
Tucker: "And there's your refund minus the twenty-five percent deposit of course, oh, and a restockin' fee."
Lynn: "Okay guys, we don't have a lot of money left."
Lisa: "Night at the aquarium?"
Lori: "Too expensive, actually, we may not be able to afford anything."
Tucker: "Well, how much you got?"
Lori: "Very little."
Tucker: "Hmm, I do have one thing that might fit your budget."
[Later, Lincoln is bouncing.]
Lincoln: "This is actually pretty fun."
[They are in the back lot, Tucker is personally giving Lincoln a bronco buster ride on his own back.]
Lola: "Daddy would not like this."
Lucy: "Yeah, Dad's very sensitive to, uh, whatever this is."
Lori: "Sorry Flip, we're going to pass."
Tucker: [Drops Lincoln] "No problem, it's not for everybody," [Gives Leni a sheet of paper] "here a bill for the test run. There's a customer survey on the bottom, and I'd sure appreciate a five star rating. Huh?"
[Back in the car.]
Lynn: [Counting what's left of their money.] "Well, we got seventy-one cents left, maybe Dad would like a side of ranch dressing."
Luna: "Man, we've totally blown Dad's birthday."
Lincoln: "Come on guys, we can't give up, there's gotta be something nice we can do for him."
Lola: "I could make him some pudding."
Lynn: "I could realign his spine."
Leni: "I can teach him how to part his hair so it covers his problem areas..."
[The kids all start thinking of ideas.]
[The kids return home, rambling, when they hear their Dad crying.]
Leni: "What's that?"
[They all listen to their parents door.]
Lynn Sr.: [Inside the room] "I can't believe those kids."
Rita: "Awe, honey."
Lana: "Ah, why is Dad crying?"
Lori: "Guys, it's obvious, we blew off his whole birthday looking for a present, and he doesn't even know the worst part yet; that we never found one."
Lucy: "There's only one thing left to do;" [Everyone stares at Lucy.] "apologize."
[Everyone sighs. Inside the room Rita is comforting her crying husband, Lincoln enters.]
Lincoln: "Hey Dad," [He comes in, followed by his sisters.] "We're so sorry we ruined your birthday."
Lynn Sr.: [Who's actually crying tears of joy.] "What are you talking about? You kids gave me the best gift ever." [Hold up their scrapbook, and hugs it.]
Lana: "Our scrapbook?"
Lynn Sr.: "Yeah, I'm sorry I opened it before you got home, Cliff dragged it in here, and blew your big surprise."
[In the corner, Cliff is trying to get the tape off his paws.]
Lori: [As she and the others join their parents on the bed.] "So, you like it?"
Lynn Sr.: "I love it." [Sobs] "It reminds me of- of all the great memories we've made together, nothing could beat that."
Lola: "Actually Daddy, we weren't even finished with it yet, we had more memories we wanted to add, and ten times more sparkles."
Lana: "Like the time we filled up a kiddie pool with Flippees."
Luna: "And the time we went to a 3D movie, and threw up, and then saw it again."
Leni: "And I don't think we'll ever forget that time we made you that scrapbook."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, Leni."
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