The following is a transcript for the episode "Raw Deal".
[The episode begins with the Loud Family on a road trip in Vanzilla.]
Lana: "Dad, are we there yet?"
Lynn Sr.: "Not yet, kiddo. A few more hours."
Lana: "Oh, okay." [beat] "Are we there yet?"
[Lincoln is looking at a guidebook of the place the family's visiting.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Today, we're going to Grand Venture State Park, and it's gonna be awesome! We're gonna hike, and fish, and check out the caves..."
[As he explains what they're gonna do, imaginary panels of him doing those activities appear.]
Leni: "And I can't wait to see Pop-Pop!"
[Her siblings look at her confused.]
Leni: "The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park."
Lincoln: "Geyser, not geezer. See? Here it is." [shows her the actual geyser in the guidebook.]
Luna: "I hope we get to see it blow. That would be rockin'!"
Lisa: "I wouldn't hold my breath. It's been inactive for years."
Leni: "So, it is like Pop-Pop."
Lana: "Now are we there yet?"
Lynn Sr.: "Lana, stop asking."
Lana: "Well, Hops is asking, not me!"
Lola: [struggling with the seat belt] "This seat belt is wrinkling my dress!" [pants with anger]
Rita: "Why don't you guys play some car games?"
Lynn: "How about Football? I'll be the QB. Hike!" [tosses her ball in the car, causing it to nearly rear off-road and make her family scream in panic. She smiles nervously.]
Rita: "How about something a little less dangerous?"
Lucy: "I have a new deck of fortune telling cards. I could give everybody readings." [shuffles the cards]
[Her siblings agree to that and want their fortunes told. She puts on a turban as the background changes to a spacial setting.]
Lucy's Siblings: "Me first!" / "Over here, Lucy!"
Lucy: "It's Madame Lucy."
Lucy's Siblings: "Ooh!"
[The cards are dealt. The first card shows a galleon sailing on the ocean.]
Lucy: "Lori, you will go on a long trip."
Lori: [excited] "Ooh. Maybe Bobby's taking me to Italy! He is working at that pizza place."
[The next card shows a castle door opening up to planets in the night sky.]
Lucy: "Lola, the universe will open doors for you."
Lola: [scoffing] "Ha. Tell me something I don't know."
[The next card shows a knight on his steed facing strong winds.]
Lucy: "Luan, you will soon be blown away."
Luan: "How fortunate!" [laughs as her siblings groan at her joke.]
Lynn Sr.: [laughing] "Good one!"
[Lynn throws her Football at Luan for that one.]
Luan: [still laughing] "Ow!"
Lisa: [disbelieving] "Poppycock. Could these predictions be anymore non-specific?"
[The next card shows a wizard with a crystal ball.]
Lucy: "Lisa, you will make an amazing scientific discovery before entering the park today. Is that specific enough for you?"
Lisa: "Specific, yes. Plausible, no. As a woman of science, I cannot take any of this seriously."
Lucy: "Well, the cards don't lie. [tells the rest of the sisters' fortunes before finally telling Lincoln's.] Last but not least: Lincoln." [draws the card and gasps at what she sees.]
Lincoln: [concerned] "What? What does it say?"
Lucy: [changing the subject] "So, uh, who wants to play football?" [grins casually]
Lincoln: [desperate] "Lucy, come on! Tell me!"
Lucy: "Fine. Your day at the park will end in..." [reveals the card to show the grim reaper.] "...tragedy."
[A suspenseful music sting plays for the card as Lynn Sr. is looking through the radio.]
Lynn Sr.: "Ooh, a radio station of music stings! Neato-burrito!"
[The music sting plays again as Lincoln worries about his fortune.]
[The family stops at Ed's Gas & Snack.]
Lynn Sr.: "Okay, kids, ten minutes for bathroom and snacks. If you miss the cut-off, I can't promise I'll still be here."
[Lincoln's sisters get out of the car, but he closes the door, much to Lisa's disbelief.]
Lisa: "Aren't you coming?"
Lincoln: "Nope. I'm staying right here."
Lisa: "Oh, you're not worried about Lucy's silly predictions, are you?"
[Lori accidentally steps on an oil slick, slips out of control while screaming and crashes into the trash.]
Lori: "That was literally embarrassing."
Lucy: "It was also literally your fortune. "You will go on on a long trip"."
[Lincoln gasps at this fact.]
Lori: [sighs in disappointment] "So, I'm not going to Italy?"
Lisa: "Relax, Lincoln. It's just a coincidence."
[Lincoln gets out and hears Luan giggling.]
Luan: "Let me know if you get tired, Dad."
Lynn Sr. "Good one, honey. That's why you're my heir." [hits Luan with a jet of air that sends her flying into a bunch of tires.] "Oh, sorry, sweetie. Your dad's just an air-head."
[They laugh as the other kids look on apathetically.]
Lucy: [appearing next to them and startling them.] "Fortune number two: "You will soon be blown away"."
[All except Lisa gasp in astonishment. The rest of the girls except Lisa head into the mini-mart while Lincoln shakes in panic.]
Lisa: "More like coincidence number two."
Lucy: "We will see."
[As the rest head in, a charming man named Mr. Universe opens the door for Lola.]
Lola: [curtsies for him] "Oh, thank you, Mr. Universe." [realizes a few seconds later] "AGH! THE UNIVERSE JUST OPENED DOORS FOR ME!"
[The others gasp again]
Lucy: "And...that's number three."
Lincoln: [pleading] "Lisa!"
Lisa: "Eh. Pure happenstance."
[Inside the store, there's a long line for the ladies' room.]
Lynn: [rushing to the door] "Gotta go! Gotta go!"
Twins: "Back of the line, sister!" [point to the back]
Lynn: [runs to the back] "I CAN'T WAIT THIS LONG!" [starts doing jumping jacks] "Don't gotta go. Don't gotta go."
Leni: [holding a pair of pink boots with bows.] "OMG! These boots are totes adorbs!"
Lana: [comes out of restroom] "Ha! I found a dollar in the toilet!"
Lucy: "Just like I predicted." [reveals the next card which is an hourglass.] "Lynn, your patience will be tested." [reveals the next card which shows arrows piercing a heart.] "Leni, you will fall in love." [reveals the next card showing a bunch of coins.] "Lana, you will become filthy rich."
[The three gasp in shock]
Lucy: "What can I say? The cards don't lie."
[Lincoln whimpers in fear and runs up to the cashier.]
Lincoln: "Excuse me. Where are your first aid kits?"
Lisa: "Oh, Lincoln, please." [points to Lynn] "That is a coincidence." [points to Leni] "That's hyperbole." [points to Lana] "And that's gross exaggeration." [puts on rubber glove and takes dollar from Lana.] "Filthy, yes. Rich, no."
Lana: [Takes back dollar] "Ugh. It's about quality, not quantity!"
Luna: "Oh yeah! The vending machine gave me an extra bag of chips! The best things in life are free, bros!" [pops open a bag and wolfs down some chips.]
Lucy: [shows a card with two people holding chalices.] "You will be rewarded double."
[Lincoln panics more and is now in the car wearing a biking helmet, a chest plate, an athletic cup, and a gas mask which he is breathing heavily into.]
Lisa: "Oh, Lincoln, please. You're embarrassing yourself."
Lincoln: [muffled] "I'm just being sensible."
[Lisa takes the mask off him.]
Lincoln: "I'm just being sensible. Lucy said my day would end in tragedy, and all her other predictions have come true."
Lisa: "Not mine. I haven't made any scientific discoveries yet."
Lincoln: [realizing] "Wait a minute. That's true!"
Lynn Sr.: "Alright, kiddos, welcome to Grand Venture State Park!"
Lincoln: [herding his sisters] "Let's go, people! Move it! Move it!" [pushes them]
Lola: "Lincoln, why are you pushing us?"
Lori: "Yeah. What's the rush? We are literally the only people here."
Lincoln: "If we can get in the park before Lisa makes any discoveries, that means Lucy's predictions are bogus and I'm home free." [pushes them in] "Yes! We made it!" [takes off his protective gear and starts dancing.] "Science: 1, medieval hocus pocus: 0. Right, Lis?" [notices she's not with them] "Lis?" [sees her coming] "Lisa, hurry up! Get in here!"
Lisa: "Sorry. I had to finish that chapter."
[Just then, a giant egg drops right between them and hatches.]
Lisa: [gasps] "Sweet mother of scientific discoveries! It's an owl with deer antlers!"
[Lincoln screams in horror and goes into a daze.]
Lisa: "Lucy, I concede that your psychic predictions are uncannily accurate. And now, I'm off to show this fascinating creature to the park ranger. See you later, Lincoln! Well, maybe not."
[The suspenseful sting plays again as Lincoln awaits his fate.]
Lynn Sr.: "Yes! I can get the music sting station on my phone!"
[The family heads toward the caves.]
Lynn Sr.: "All right, gang. First stop is the Grand Stalactite Caverns."
Lucy: "Ooh. If it's dark, I'm in."
Lincoln: "Ooh. If it's dark, I'm out."
Rita: "Lincoln, you've been looking forward to this trip for months. Don't you wanna check out the caverns?"
Lincoln: "And get impaled by a stalactite?"
Rita: "Are you really gonna let a silly prediction ruin your fun?"
Lincoln: "Yes, I am. I'm gonna stay right here, where it's nice and safe."
[Sometime later, some screeching is heard.]
Lincoln: [screams] "KILLER BATS!"
[Some butterflies fly out. One of them lands on Lincoln's nose.]
Lincoln: [calmly] "Oh. They're just butterflies." [panicking] "Who are probably fleeing from killer bats!" [runs off screaming]
[Lisa is showing this new species of owl to the park ranger.]
Lisa: "I call it the "Dowl"."
Park Ranger: "Remarkable. I'll arrange a press conference immediately. Lucky for us, I always carry bunting." [holds up the bunting]
[The family is swimming at the lake.]
Lynn Sr.: "Ah, Grand Sparkling Lake."
Lynn: "CANNONBALL!" [cannonballs into the lake with a huge splash.]
Lynn Sr.: "Watch it, Lynn! You'll ruin the Grand Venture guide!"
Lana: "Come on in, Lincoln! We got the whole lake to ourselves!"
Lincoln: [on the dock] "Yeah, right. So I can get eaten by a piranha? Or zapped by an eel? Or attacked by a swamp creature?"
Lola: "Don't be a dope. There's no such thing."
[Lynn Sr. emerges from the lake covered in algae.]
Lincoln: [screaming] "IT'S HIM!" [swings a branch at him] "Back, you hideous beast!"
Lynn Sr.: [removing the algae] "Hey, hey, hey! I didn't pick out these shorts! Your mother did! Huh."
[Now they're visiting a gorge.]
Lynn Sr.: "Presenting Grand Vista Gorge. The most beautiful view north of the Rio Grande."
Luan: "Beautiful? Don't you mean GORGE-ous?" [laughs]
Rita: "Have any of you seen your brother?"
[Lynn runs to the side of the gorge and notices Lincoln inching his way up the trail.]
Lincoln: [frantic] "Oh. Are those fire ants? Uh, that could be quicksand. Yikes! I'm pretty sure that's poison ivy."
Lynn: "LINCOLN! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE!"
[Her voice echoes]
Lincoln: [softly] "Shh! You wanna cause an avalanche?"
[A rumbling sound is heard, but it's just a small leaf swaying to the ground.]
Lynn Sr.: "Next stop, Grand Current River."
[The family is fishing. While everyone has their lines in the river, Leni has hers in the bush.]
Luna: [to Lana] "Hey, little dudette, hook me up with another worm."
Lana: [eating the worms] "Sorry. All out."
Rita: "Lincoln, you should join us."
Lincoln: [hiding under the canoe] "Yeah, right! And get swept down the river? Or contract a deadly parasite? Or slip on a rock, bang my head, get amnesia, and wind up in Tijuana? I don't think so!" [goes back to hiding]
[The family is having a picnic.]
Lana: [patting her belly] "Ugh. I wish I hadn't filled up on worms."
Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, are you sure you won't join us?"
Lincoln: [in the picnic basket] "Yeah, right! And attract bears with the smell of the burgers? I don't think so!" [goes back to hiding]
Lori: "I think bears also like the potato salad in that basket."
[Lori's words causes Lincoln to come out of the basket yelping and run to a field.]
Lincoln: "I'll just stand in this field." [frantic] "Wait. Then I could get struck by lightning. Maybe I'll be safe in that log." [hides in said log] "But there could be rabid beavers!" [gets out of the log] "Back to the picnic basket!" [about to get back in] "No! Wait! The bears!" [trips]
Lynn Sr.: "Ah, what a day. Grand Venture State Park, you always know how to show us a grand time."
Lincoln: [heading for the exit] "This is great. I may actually get out of here alive."
Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, where are you going? We've got Lisa's press conference."
Lincoln: "You guys go without me. The flash from the cameras could blind me."
[His dad grabs his arm and takes him to the conference, where Lisa is about to announce her latest discovery.]
Lisa: [at podium] "Members of the press, I have made a discovery that will forever alter our understanding of the animal kingdom. I give you..." [reveals Dowl] "...the Dowl! Or Loudicus Lisa, if you prefer."
[The rest of her family and the press are amazed while Lincoln flinches and screams at the flash of the cameras.]
Lisa: "As you can see, the antlers of the Dowl are..."
[Suddenly, the little bird shakes off the antlers and Lisa makes another discovery, one not so scientific.]
Lisa: "...Made in China?"
[The park ranger does a spit take.]
Park Ranger: "Excuse me. I just remembered I, uh...left the iron on in the park ranger station. Forest fires are no joke." [proceeds to leave]
Lisa: [stopping him] "Hold it right there, bub! What gives?"
Park Ranger: [sighs] "Okay. I concocted the whole thing. I bought the antlers at a yard sale and glued them on the owl."
Lisa: [livid] "You think science is some sort of a joke?"
Park Ranger: "No. It's just that ever since the geyser stopped erupting, no one comes to the park anymore. I thought a little publicity would bring people back."
[Lisa goes back to the podium.]
Lisa: "My apologies to you all. Obviously, the Dowl is a fake."
Lincoln: "A fake?" [gasps] "So Lucy's prediction for you wasn't true!"
Lisa: "That is a logical conclusion."
Lincoln: "Which means mine wasn't true either!"
Lisa: "Second logical conclusion."
Lincoln: "I ruined my whole day for no reason."
Lisa: "Thrice, a logical conclusion."
[The family's getting ready to go home.]
Lynn Sr.: "Okay, kids, you have five minutes to get in the car. And if you miss the cut-off, no guarantees."
Lincoln: [to the viewers, disappointed] "Well, I guess there's a lesson here. You can't live your life in fear, or you'll miss out on it. And that would be a tragedy."
[Before he heads to the car, the ground starts shaking and there's a rumbling sound. Lincoln rushes over and sees something amazing.]
Lincoln: "It's the geyser! Whoa!"
[Lincoln looks on to see the geyser's majestic eruption in awe. All of a sudden, the car's horn honks and the rest is leaving without him.]
Lincoln: "He really is leaving me behind. Sheesh. I always thought that was an empty threat." [chases after them] "GUYS! WAIT!"
[The car stops and Lincoln gets in.]
Lincoln: [jubilant] "Guys! Guys! You won't believe what happened! I just saw the geyser go off!"
[His sisters are getting some sleep after a fun day.]
Leni: [groggily] "Ugh. Lincoln, you told me Pop-Pop wasn't gonna be here."
Lincoln: "Leni, it's not...never mind. This turned out to be the best day ever." [goes to sleep for the ride home.]
Lisa: "Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited."
Lucy: "WRONG. I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction." [draws one more card] "The end is near."
Lisa: "Oh, please. Give me a-"
[Cuts Lisa's line off to show an end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a Dowl on it]
Lucy: "Told ya. The cards don't lie."
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