The following is a transcript for the episode “Rita Her Rights”.
[The episode begins at 6:00am, Rita's alarm clock goes off, she wakes up yawning and stretching, and looks at an array of sticky notes on her desk lamp.]
Rita: "Okay, [takes a deep breath] Lincoln needs his permission slip signed, Lynn has soccer practice, Luan's pig juggling seminar is moved to next week, right." [She later throws food into Cliff, Charles, Geo, and Walt's mouth...] "Gotta feed the pets, [...brews coffee and fills cereal bowls..] and the humans, [...tosses three apples into three brown bags...] and get everyone out the door." [...catches the newspaper as it flies past the window, and calls everyone.] "Come on, guys, I need to hear feet on the floor." [the sound of feet on the floor.] "You too, Lincoln."
[The sound of one more set of feet on the floor. Lynn Sr. comes in the kitchen seeking Rita's help.]
Lynn Sr.: "Honey, can you proof this? Sergei is letting me create the menu this week and I need to make a good impression."
[Shows Rita the menu.]
Rita: "Uh, menu doesn’t have a Y in it."
Lynn Sr.: "Mm, are you sure? Remember it's a French word."
[Leaves, knocking Rita's hairbrush off the table, she bends over to pick it up, and Lana comes running in, green faced.]
Lana: "Mom, I don't feel so good!"
[Lana barfs on Rita.]
Rita: [Feeling Lana's forehead] "Oh, honey, are you getting sick?"
Lana: [Feeling better] "Nope, I just had one too many earthworms."
[Walks off, Rita attempts to do the same, but steps on a roller skate.]
Lynn: "Ah, sweet, you found my other skate. Thanks, Mom."
Rita: [Dazed] "No problem."
[Runs into her room to change shirts, when suddenly, the couch explodes.]
Rita: "Lisa! What did you do?!"
[Lisa is trying to fan away the smoke. Rita grabs the fire extinguisher and puts it out.]
Lisa: [Coughs] "Apologies, [picks up a beaker] turns out my flea powder is more potent than I realized."
Rita: "We have fleas? Oh, great."
Lola: "Mommy, my hose are bunching."
[Rita picks Lola up, and tries to fix her dress, much to Lola's discomfort, then Lori and Leni come in, slap fighting.]
Lori: "No, I literally need the hairspray. Look at these cowlicks."
Leni: [Grabs the hairspray from Lori.] "But my bump is going flat."
Rita: [Drops Lola] "Girls, if you can't share it, [grabs the spray] I get it."
[Sprays her own hair, which turns green, unbeknownst to herself, Lori and Leni gasp at this.]
Lori: "Whoops, guess that was hair dye, not hairspray."
Leni: "Which you totes pull off."
[They show her a mirror, and Rita grabs her hair, screaming in horror. Later, she pulls Vanzilla up in front of the high school.]
Rita: "Okay, high schoolers, got everything you need? Great, have a good day, bye."
[Leni and Luna get out, and Rita starts to leave, but Luan has a problem.]
Luan: "Wait, [Rita stops the van, and falls forward slightly.] I can't find my whoopee cushion."
Rita: "I don't have time for-"
[Before she can finish, she sits back in her seat, inadvertently finding Luan's whoopee cushion, which she pulls out from under herself and gives to Luan, who is fighting the urge to laugh.]
Luan: "Thanks, Mom. Toot-a-loo!"
[Leaves Vanzilla, laughing, while Rita sighs and pulls away, she later pulls up in front of the middle school, where Lynn realizes something.]
Lynn: "Oh, Mom, I forgot it's my turn to bring the team snack for practice."
Rita: "Uh, [Rita reaches down and grabs something, which disgusts Lynn.] here's a half eaten banana, [tosses it to Lynn] just, you know, cut off the brown parts." [She pulls away, and later parks outside the elementary school, where she escorts Lisa, Lincoln, Lola, Lana and Lucy to the building, not realizing that she parked in the bus zone, and the bus is honking at Vanzilla. She later exits the school, digging through her purse for her keys, looks over to Vanzilla and gasps when she sees a police officer, who she runs to.] "Oh, no, I'm here, officer-"
Officer Schoffner: [Stops Rita] "Ma'am, are you aware that you're parked in the bus zone?"
Rita: "Oh, I didn't even see that."
Officer Schoffner: "Well, apparently, there's a lot you don't see, this is your fiftieth parking violation."
Rita: "Oh, it can't be that many, I know I've gotten a few, but- [opens the glove compartment and finds that she has gotten fifty violations.] Oh, wow, I'm so sorry, you know I'm, I'm shuttling eleven kids around and sometimes I don't see the parking signs." [Sees the officer writing a ticket.] "Hey, isn't this the time of year you sell those, police fund raising calendars?"
Officer Schoffner: "Yes it is, but I'm not sure you can afford one, because you now owe the city two-thousand dollars in parking tickets."
Rita: "What?! I can't possibly pay that."
Officer Schoffner: "Well, there is another option."
[Later, Rita is in the park, picking up litter, and is not too happy about it.]
Rita: "Giving me community service? Just see what happens next time when you call trying to sell those calendars." [Looks around, the birds are chirping, the rabbits are playing, the elderly playing chess, and Rita starts smiling.] "Maybe this won't be so bad." [Continues picking up trash, and finally finishes.] "Heh, well, that didn't take long, guess I have time to relax." [Sniffs the flowers, eats her lunch in peace, sees a squirrel and offers it a crumb, and the squirrel gives her an acorn. Later, the two of them are napping under a tree, Rita with a book on her face, as the sun goes down, Rita gets up and sees this.] "Oh, is it already over? [The squirrel jumps off her head and Rita giggles.] Too bad I only got one day of community service."
[Rita gasps as she gets an idea. The next day, she is in Vanzilla, parked on top of a fire hydrant.]
Officer Schoffner: "You really need to watch where you're parking, ma'am." [Starts writing a ticket] "Alright, that's gonna be-"
Rita: "I'll just take the community service."
Rita: "Come on, guys, I need to hear feet on the floor." [the sound of feet on the floor.] "You too, Lincoln."
[The sound of one more set of feet on the floor. The kids come downstairs, Lana sliding down the banister half asleep.]
Leni: [Appalled] "Ugh, Mom, that vest is a no."
Rita: "Honey, I have to wear this for community service."
Luna: "Bogus! You're doing that again?"
Rita: "I'm sorry, kids, I've got another ding-dang ticket. Believe me, I don't like this anymore than you do."
Lynn: "UGH! But, I need you to wash my uniform!"
[Holds up her dirty jersey, which has Lincoln's blue notebook stuck to it.]
Lincoln: "And, I can't find my blue notebook!"
Lola: "Who's gonna french braid my hair!?"
Lucy: "I need you to help me steam clean my coffin for show and tell."
Lily: "Poo-poo! Poo-poo!"
Rita: "Guys, it's just one more day, I'm sure between yourselves and your father you can handle everything."
Lynn Sr.: "Wait, what's that now?"
Rita: "Bye, have a good day."
[Leaves, as her husband and kids look at each other.]
[Later, Rita is picking up trash in the park, afterwards, she is at the ice cream vendor.]
Rita: "Uh, one chocolate and one acorn." [The vendor gives her a chocolate ice cream, and one with an acorn, which she gives to her squirrel friend, the two enjoy. At the end of the day, she and the squirrel are napping under the tree, Rita gets up.] "Ah, another wonderful day. Well, little guy, this has been a nice break, but I'm ready to go back home." [She returns to the Loud House, and stops at the doorway. There's mud all over the floor, chips in the paint, a kitchen fire, Lana is rubbing her butt against the wall, Walt is pecking at the fireplace, Lola is driving her car over a ramp, Lori and Leni are trying to kill each other, Charles is chewing at the couch cushions, Geo is rolling around in circles atop the lamp, Luan is trying to saw Lily in half, Lynn is Lucha Libre wrestling with Lincoln, and Luna and Lucy are trying to get the latter's coffin downstairs, only to accidentally break the railing. Rita sees all this.] "I'm not ready." [Closes the door quietly and drives away before anyone sees her, she looks in the side mirror and sees Lisa blow the roof off the house.] "Yup, made the right choice." [Later, she is in a public parking lot, having a flipee, and double parking.] "Really, I'm doing my family a favor, I mean, another little break, and I'll be able to handle anything they throw my way." [Looks around, and grunts with impatience.] "Where is that cop already?"
[People around her start complaining.]
Angry Driver: "Ah! Come on, lady! You're taking up two spots!"
Rita: "Sorry, I don't want to do this." [Sighs. To herself] "Well, I can't wait here all night. [suddenly gets an idea] There's more than one way to get a ticket."
[Later, she is drinking coffee, and just standing outside Flip's Food and Fuel, Officer Schoffner stops her motorcycle in front of Rita, and approaches her.]
Officer Schoffner: "So, did you not see the sign?" [Rita pretends to be confused.] "You know the one right above that says 'No Loitering'?"
[Pointing to the sign in question, Rita, who is standing right under it, looks at it.]
Rita: "Oh, I thought it said no littering, my bad." [Crumples up her coffee cup and throws it on the ground, Officer Schoffner sighs and gives Rita a ticket. The next day, Rita is in the park reading a magazine, with a butterfly on her nose, which flies away. Later, she is walking Charles, who stops, makes a few circles around a spot on the sidewalk, and dispenses fecal matter, Officer Schoffner, who is at the moment ticketing a horse that's tied to a no horse zone sign, sees this.] "Good boy, Charles!" [She and Charles walk away, without cleaning up the mess, and the officer blows her whistle at them. Later, Rita is playing chess with Seymour, and captures his queen.] "Ha-ha!"
[Seymour spits up his Flippee as Rita waits for him to make his next move. Next, she is in Vanzilla, Officer Schoffner on her motorcycle drinking coffee and reading a newspaper, she then watches Rita run over a mailbox, and blows her whistle. Later, Rita is reading a book while on a tire swing, she catches a discarded napkin as the wind blows it past her. Next, she walks out into the street with an old radio, she sets it down, and starts hitting it with a giant mallet, Officer Schoffner, who is reading police weekly, sees this and runs over to Rita.]
Officer Schoffner: "Ma'am, ma'am, what are you doing?"
Rita: [Throws away the mallet] "Oh no, officer, you caught me, ha ha, just destroying this old radio in public, which I know is a crime. [Sighs] So I guess you'll have to give me a ticket."
Officer Schoffner: [Looks at the, once upon a time, radio and with a confused look.] "That's not a crime."
Rita: "Oh, but it is." [pulls out a book of Royal Woods laws.] "Section four-fifteen, bylaw W: willfully destroying an old radio, see."
[Shows Officer Schoffner the book, she writes Rita a ticket. Later that evening, Rita and the squirrel are in the park, under the tree, having a picnic.]
Rita: [To the squirrel] "I know I've said it before, but this time I really mean it, I'm finally ready to go home." [The squirrel grows a shocked expression, and scampers into Rita's purse. Rita chuckles at this.] "Oh, now, come on, buddy, [pulls the squirrel out] I can't really take you home with me, but I promise I'll come visit okay?" [The squirrel sniffles, and Rita offers it a hanky, this squirrel blows it's nose, and tosses the tissue.] "Hey, now, where does that go?"
[The squirrel looks, grabs the tissue and throws it into the trashcan.]
[Rita walks into the house and is shocked at what she sees, Lynn playing basketball in the house, Lisa playing with her pulley system, Lola and Lucy fighting over a book, Lily roller skiing with Cliff, Lincoln doing stunts in Lola's car, and Lori chasing Lana, who's got fleas.]
Lori: "Lana! Stop! You have to take a flea bath!"
Lana: "No! These little guys are my friends!"
[Rita smiles, closes the door, and picks up Lily.]
Rita: "Hey, everyone, I'm back. [Everybody goes up to her desperate for her help.] It's fine."
[Suddenly the door bell rings, Rita opens it to find Officer Schoffner.]
Lisa: [Gasps] "Who called the po-po?"
Rita: "Officer, what are you doing here?"
Officer Schoffner: "I was filing my paperwork, and I realized that you have had twelve violations in a week, which according to bylaw one-two-two-seven qualifies as a crime spree, you're gonna have to do some jail time."
Loud children: [Shocked] "Jail?!"
Lynn Sr.: [Stepping in] "Well, now, now, hang on a second, officer. I mean you, you can't send someone to jail for just a few parking tickets."
Officer Schoffner: "Oh, it's not just parking tickets, [pulls out Rita's file and shows the family Rita's other violations.] public loitering, failure to pick up canine fecal matter, willfully destroying a radio, oh, I can go on." [The kids can't believe their ears, and look at their mother, shocked.] "I'll see you bright and early tomorrow at the courthouse, [shoots Rita a stern look.] don't make me come after you."
[Slowly backs out the door and Lynn Sr. closes it.]
Lynn Sr.: "Uh, honey, you wanna tell us what's going on?"
Lana: "Yeah, why didn't you pick up Charles' poop? That's the best part of walking him."
Rita: [Remorsefully] "I'm sorry, being at the park was such a nice break I started getting tickets on purpose."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, hon, if you needed a break, you should have just said something."
Lola: "Yeah, my teacher needs a break all the time, he just goes in the hallway, and screams into an open locker, then comes back, it's no big deal."
Rita: "You guys are right, I should have just been honest with you, I'm sorry I'm gonna be spending more time away from you, but [tearing up] don't worry, I'll still find a way to be your mom."
[Holds her two youngest daughters and hugs them.]
[The next day, Rita is in the jailhouse, but her family is there to visit, Lincoln with his notebook.]
Lincoln: "Mom, can you help me with my homework?"
[Rita looks at him through the glass wall, Lincoln approaches the glass, the the rest of the family watches, except for Lola, who is admiring the handcuffs. Lincoln shows Rita a page in his notebook that reads "You draw one sibling and you think you are done, but then you have to draw ten more siblings too." Rita looks over it.]
Rita: "Uh, missing a comma before too."
[Lincoln goes to correct this, up next are the twins, who are fighting over the handcuffs.]
Lana: "I wanna play with the handcuffs!"
Lola: "I saw them first!"
Rita: [banging the glass] "Hey, you two! Knock it off!"
Luan: [Pops up] "Hey, Mom, why is a prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark a period? [Brief pause] Because it marks the end of a sentence. [Laughs] Get it?"
[Rita laughs, Luan continues to laugh until Lynn body slams her away.]
Lynn: "Mom, you gotta check out my new batting stance. [Rolls over to the guard, grabs his baton, and nails him right in the gut.] Boom, guarantee homer."
Rita: [Laughs] "That looks great, Lynn."
Lana: [Bounces in] "Mom, check out my newest flea, [points to her left armpit] I call him Brad, 'cause he lives in my pit." [Chuckles]
Leni: [Showing Rita her magazine] "Imagine this dress, but in mauve."
Lisa: "Uh, quick Q about the water bill."
Lana: [In union with Leni and Lisa, and still referring to Brad, who is now on her hat.] "Look how fast he is."
Leni: [In union with Lisa and Lana, and still showing Rita her magazine.] "And the shoes, too."
Lisa: [In union with Lana and Leni, and still holding the water bill.] "Who uses the most water."
Lynn Sr. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, kids, one at a time."
Rita: [Laughs] "It's fine, honey, actually, it's great, I'm just so happy to see all of you."
Lincoln: "We're glad to see you, too, Mom, even if it is through glass."
[Officer Schoffner walks in with a stern look, which turns into the same face Rita made the night before when she returned home. While Lincoln, Lana, Leni, Lisa, and Rita are chatting, Lori is on her phone, Lily is hanging by her diaper, Luna is rocking out, Lucy is sitting with a group of cobwebs, Lola is driving her car crazy, and Lynn is chasing Lynn Sr. and Luan with the baton. Officer Schoffner blows her whistle at them and they all stop.]
Officer Schoffner: [Exasperated] "Can you all just keep it down, please!?!" [She now looks like she is about to cry, but lets out a deep breath, and unlocks Rita's cell.] "Ma'am, you can go."
Rita: [Steps out of her cell] "What? Really?"
Officer Schoffner: "Yeah, [looks at the other Louds, and puts her hand to her mouth.] Now I understand why you needed a break." [Pushes Rita out of the cell and enters herself, then briefly reappears and whispers something to Rita.] "If you ever need some more time off, just meet me at the tow zone."
[Disappears, leaving Rita and her family (sans Lisa) to engage in a group hug. Right at that moment, Lisa, who apparently has no respect for authority, is wagoning in a cake with a file hidden inside.]
Lisa: [Realizing that her mother has been released.] "I'll just save this cake I baked for later."
[Lisa awkwardly laughs, sees the guard looking at her suspiciously, and hastily pushes the cake out of the room.]
[The next morning, Rita wakes up by herself.]
Rita: [Yawning] "What time is it? [Checks, and is alarmed by what she sees.] Nine already!?"
[Rita checks the lamp to find only one note from her husband, she hears his voice as she reads it:]
"Hi Hon, enjoy your morning. The kids and I got ourselves up and ready today, we're gonna try to do this more often. Don't want my 'honey' going on the 'lamb' again. Ha, ha, ha. Ooh, honey on lamb. We should have that for dinner tonight. Can you pick up some lamb? Oh, no, wait, I'll get it. Love, Lynn."
Rita: [Hugs the note, and sighs with happiness.] "I am one lucky gal." [Hears chattering at her window.] "Oh, hi, I'll meet you outside for coffee and acorn muffins."
[Rita's squirrel friend, who is holding a tray of acorn muffins, smiles and gets ready as the episode irises out.]
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