Room with a Feud/Script

The following is a transcript for the episode "Room with a Feud".

Script

[Lincoln is watching a baking show on TV while eating popcorn.]
Host: "Well, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Which baker will take the cake and the trophy on Operation Dessert Storm?"
DESSERT STORM
Host: "Will Linda's soufflé rise to the occasion? Or will Tony's puffs cream the competition?"
[Tony snarls viciously, forcing the host to back away.]
Host: "The judges have voted, and the champion is-"
[Lola suddenly comes in and pauses the show.]
Lola: "Ugh! Lana's been driving me crazy! Her animals stink up our room! And look what she did to my dolly!" [shows her doll's head shaved.]
Doll: [creepily] "Mama..."
Lincoln: "Why would she do that?"
[Enter Lana wearing the doll's hair in her armpits.]
Lana: "Whoo-hoo! I got pit hair!"
[Lola screams, tears her doll's head off, and chases Lana. Lincoln resumes his show.]
Host: "And the champion is-"
[The show pauses again, this time from Lynn.]
Lynn: "Lucy won't keep her bats off my side of the room." [rolls up her sleeve revealing a bite mark on her arm.] "Now one of them's bit me and he's got the taste for my blood."
Lincoln: "Aren't you being a little paranoid? I'm sure the bat doesn't-" [hears Fangs screeching from the fireplace.] "Uh, you might wanna run."
[Fangs chases after Lynn who's screaming for her life. Lincoln resumes his show.]
Host: "And the champ-"
[It pauses yet again by Leni much to Lincoln's chagrin.]
Leni: [holding a barrette with Lori's hair in it.] "Ugh! Lori is the worst roommate ever! Her huge hair broke my favorite clip!"
Lincoln: [anxious] "That's, uh..."
Leni: "Ooh! You're watching Operation Dessert Storm? Isn't it awesome that Linda won?"
[Lincoln groans from having been spoiled and goes up to his room where he gets a video chat call from Clyde.]
Clyde: "Lincoln! Did you see who won the finale?"
Lincoln: [upset] "No, but I heard about it."
Clyde: "I'm so glad it was Linda. Tony's cream puffs looked so dry, didn't they?"
[The sisters all start arguing so loud that Lincoln can hear it and the commotion causes a massive thud that shakes Lincoln's whole room.]
Clyde: [concerned] "Are you okay? Is there an earthquake there?"
Lincoln: [annoyed] "No. It's just my sisters having another roommate rumble."
Clyde: "Psh. Too bad they don't get along as well as we do." [holds up a compatibility test] "Right, Mr. 98% Compatible?"
Lincoln: [holds up the same test] "You know it!"
Clyde: "If not for our condiment preferences, we would've been matched 100%"!
Lincoln: [inspired] "Wait. You just gave me an idea."
Clyde: "You're gonna give up mustard and come over to the good life on the mayo side?" [holds up a jar of mayonnaise]
Lincoln: "I'm gonna fix my sisters' problems." [closes his laptop]

[The kids are all in Lori and Leni's room. The sisters are still unhappy.]
Lincoln: "It's no secret you guys are having some roommate trouble. Well, I think I can help. Clyde and I took this amazingly accurate compatibility test. If you guys take it, maybe we can find out which sister you're best matched with. Then you can change roommates."
Lola: "I'm willing to try anything." [holds up a doll] "This is my last dolly with hair!" [notices it's bald and gasps in horror.]
Lana: [wearing the doll's hair like a mustache.] "Relax. It grows back."
Lola: [furious] "NO IT DOESN'T!" [attacks Lana]
Lana: "I'd use my own hair, but-"
[Lori breaks them up]
Lori: [grunts] "Let's take that test."
Lincoln: [giving his sisters each a copy] "Great. I'll read the questions, then write down your answers. Number one: What's your favorite color?"
[Leni takes a peek at Lynn's answer.]
Leni: "Oh, dang it. I got that one wrong."
[She changes her answer and Lynn facepalms.]
1 HOUR LATER[The girls are doing their business in the living room when their brother shows up.]
Lincoln: "Guys, I've got the results. The new roomates are: Lana and Lynn, whose rugged personalities were a 90% match."
[Lana is polishing an engine and Lynn is doing push-ups. They give each other a thumbs-up.]
Lincoln: "Luna and Lisa, whose explosive personalities were an equally strong match."
[Lisa's chemical explodes on her and Luna shreds her guitar loudly much to Lori's shock. Lisa gives Luna a thumbs up and Luna throws up the goats to Lisa.]
Lincoln: "Lola and Lucy, 'cause they both have a flair for the dramatic."
Lola: "Us matching is the craziest thing that's ever happened!" [gasps and faints] "Ever!"
Lucy: "I am so shocked, I could die."
Lincoln: "Luan and Leni, due to their shared love of laughter."
Luan: [nudges Leni] "Chuckle up, Leni! There's no giggling out of this."
[The other sisters groan at that, but Leni laughs at it.]
Leni: [holding back her laughter] "That was so funny!"
Lincoln: "And lastly, Lori and Lily."
Lori: [confused] "Uh, what could we possibly have in common?" [notices Lily using a toy phone just like her] "Oh."
[The girls all agree to this decision.]

[Later, Lincoln goes upstairs and hears nothing but silence. He checks on Lynn and Lana.]
Lincoln: "Hey, guys. How's rugged roommate life going?"
[There's a mud puddle on the floor.]
Lana: "Lynn let me bring my mud."
Lynn: "It's perfect for rugby practice." [sways a bit and dives into the mud] "Score!"
Lana: [licks the mud] "Good stuff."
[Lincoln wipes the mud on his face off and checks on Lori and Lily.]
Lori: [laughing at her phone] "Literally."
Lily: [laughing at her phone] "Lil-lilly."
[Lincoln smiles at their bond and checks on Lisa and Luna.]
Luna: [drumming] "YO, LIS! IS THIS VOLUME OKAY?!"
Lisa: [working on her chemistry] "ACES! HOW'S THIS VOLUME?!"
[She pours in a chemical that causes an explosion, which Luna likes. Lincoln goes over to check on Lola and Lucy who are having a tea party with Edwin and Lola's baby doll as guests. Lola pours in her doll's tea, but Lucy stops her from pouring Edwin's.]
Lucy: "Thanks, but he only drinks blood."
Lola: "No problem." [switches the teapot out for kettles filled with different types of blood.] "Does he take O Positive or B Negative?"
[Lucy and Lincoln smile, and the brother checks on Leni and Luan.]
Luan: [practicing with Mr. Coconuts] "Hey, Mr. Coconuts, what did the sushi say to the bee? Wasa-bee!"
Leni: [laughing like crazy] "Luan, stop it!" [laughs so hard she falls back on the beanbag.]
[Lincoln is happy at this and goes back to his room to tell Clyde the good news on his laptop.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Clyde."
Clyde: [wearing a chef outfit] "Oh, hey, Lincoln. I was just giving myself the ten minute trifle challenge." [frosts a cake]
Lincoln: "So, guess what? I gave my sisters the compatibility test, they changed rooms, and it's working like a dream! You hear how quiet it is?"
[At that moment...]
Lynn: [off-screen] "DANG IT, LANA!"
Lincoln: [calmly] "Uh, probably just a little glitch. I'll call you back." [goes to Lana and Lynn's room]
Lynn: [fighting a snake with her hockey stick.] "Get your dumb snake off my lucky jersey!"
Lana: "If she's so dumb, how'd she find all your protein bars when you were asleep, huh?"
[Lynn growls and snaps her hockey stick in fury, much to Lincoln's worry.]
Lucy: [off-screen] "You monster!"
[Lincoln checks on Lucy and Lola]
Lucy: "What have you done to Edwin?" [shows him sporting a color scheme like Lola's.]
Lola: "Brought him into the 21st century. You're welcome!"
Lucy: "That's my least favorite century."
[Lily starts crying and Lincoln rushes to her and Lori.]
Lincoln: "What's going on?"
Lori: "I accidentally stepped on Lily's phone and she's making a huge deal!"
[Lily suddenly takes a picture of Lori from a certain angle.]
Lori: [fiercely] "DON'T YOU DARE POST THOSE!"
[Lily giggles wickedly and posts the photos which reveal Lori having double chins.]
Lori: [horrified as she screams; a loud glass shattering sound is heard and Lisa screams; Lincoln checks on her and Luna.]
Lisa: [with her glasses broken] "I specifically told you never to play any note above a D6!"
Luna: "Better check that 'tude, dude! Nobody tells me how to shred."
[Leni is still laughing at Luan]
Luan: [annoyed] "Leni, stop laughing. All I said is I have to pee."
Leni: "How do you come up with this stuff?"
[Leni keeps laughing while Luan exasperatedly goes to the bathroom. The other sisters in anger gather around to complain.]
Lori: "Lincoln's lame test didn't work."
Lola: "Yeah. There's no way I'm compatible with Spooky."
Lucy: "Oh, you wanna go, Princess?"
Lisa: [breaking them up] "Easy, easy. We can fix this. There must be a flaw in Lincoln's testing algorithm."

[Lisa is checking the test again]
Lisa: "Hmm...Ace Savvy's Superhero Duo Quiz: Find your partner in crime-fighting? This is the amazingly accurate compatibility test that led you to uproot the entire household?"
Lincoln: "It was dead-on about me and Clyde."
Lisa: "Yes! You two are compatible because you're both dunces!" [to her sisters] "Everyone, remain calm. We can still determine the optimal roommate arrangement. Just need to use actual science." [reveals a matchup computer in her room] "I invented this baby to help Pop-Pop find a soulmate, but he wasn't ready for love again." [puts in data] "I simply input everyone's data in the form of report cards, journals, medical records and DNA samples."
Luan: [suspicious] "Uh...how'd you get our DNA samples?""
Lisa: [feigning innocence] "Did I say DNA samples?"
[The computer prints out the results.]
Lisa: "And voila. Our perfect matches. Lori and Lola will be together since they both excel in social situations and possess an authoritarian nature."
[Lori and Lola notice Lana and Charles chewing on shoes and shout in unison.]
Lola: "Drop it, Lana!"
Lori: "Drop it, Charles!"
[Lana and Charles drop it and Lola and Lori look at each other surprised.]
Lisa: "Leni will be rooming with Lynn."
Leni and Lynn: "Wait. Why are we together? That doesn't make any sense. We don't even have anything in common!" [look at each other in confusion.]
Lisa: "Luna will be with Lana since both enjoy garage-based hobbies and wield a wicked axe."
[Luna, holding her guitar, and Lana, holding an inflatable play ax, look at each other.]
Lisa: "Luan will be with Lucy because of their shared creativity and unusual proclivity for befriending inanimate objects."
[The inanimate objects in question are Mr. Coconuts and Edwin, and Luan and Lucy look at each other.]
Lisa: "Lily will be with Lincoln-"
Lincoln: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why am I included?"
Lisa: "It's self-evident. To find the most accurate sibling matches, one must include all the siblings."
Lincoln: [suspicious] "Wait, I see what's going on. Isn't it convenient that everyone has a roommate except you?"
Lisa: "Actually, I prefer cohabitation so that I have a built-in test subject. But it seems I match with no one. It's a head-scratcher."
[She scratches her head which causes her hair to fall off revealing her brain pulsating from her cranium which causes her siblings to gasp at the sight of it in horror.]

[Later, Lincoln is reluctantly moving in with Lily.]
Lincoln: "Darn Lisa thinks she's so smart just because her brain's green." [notices Lily] "Now, Lily, if we're gonna be roomies-"
Lily: [pops up] "Peek-a-boo!"
Lincoln: "You'll need to set down some-"
Lily: [interrupting] "Yah-boo!"
Lincoln: "Ground rules, and-"
[Lily sneezes on him which knocks him out and giggles at it. Later that night, Lincoln can't sleep because Lily is babbling until she falls asleep and snores.]
Lincoln: [relieved] "Finally." [lays down but hears an intense fart.] "Oh, no..."
[The smell covers his area. He pounds on Lisa's door and she lets him in.]
Lincoln: "Guess what, Ms. Smarty Pants? There must be a flaw in your testing algorithm because Lily and I are definitely not compatible."
[Lisa goes over to the computer to reevaluate and gets a shocking result.]
Lisa: "Oh, dear. This is what we in the scientific community call an oopsie. Everyone matched at over 90%, but it appears you and Lily only matched at 17%."
Lincoln: "Aha! Then this whole thing is bogus, and I'm calling it off! We are switching back."
[He storms out and goes over to Luna and Lana's room, but hears laughter. Lana dumps mud all over Luna's timpani drums and Luna bangs and splashes a good beat.]
Luna: "We make a great team, Lans!"
[Lincoln is shocked and hears Leni laughing and sees Lynn bench-pressing her.]
Leni: "Whoo!" [laughs]
Lynn: [grunting] "Thanks for letting me bench-press you. You're, like, the perfect weight."
Leni: "Well, thank you. 'Cause you're helping me decorate the ceiling." [puts a sticker on the ceiling along with some others she put on.]
[Lincoln is shocked at that and goes to see Lucy and Luan who are playing poker with their soulmates.]
Lucy: [dealing] "I have ace high. Edwin has two pair."
Luan: "I've got a full house." [as Mr. Coconuts] "And I've got a four of a kind. Just like us, right, gang?" [laughs with Lucy] "You're so funny, Mr. Coconuts."
[Lincoln is flabbergasted at seeing them get along.]
Lori: [unhappy] "No!"
[Hearing that makes Lincoln smile and he checks on her and Lola.]
Lori: [on her phone] "Not that shirt, Bobby. The one I got you!"
Lola: [shaking her fist] "You'd better still have it, Bobby!"
[They hang up on a frightened Bobby.]
Lori: "Good. Now let's call that pageant judge who gave you a 4." [dials the judge's number]
Lola: "Oh, this should be good."
[Lincoln sighs, gives up, and goes back to his new room, reading a comic book with a flashlight where he finds Lily drooled all over it.]
Lincoln: [disgusted] "Ugh. Lily!" [gets a call from Clyde on video chat] "Hey, Clyde."
Clyde: "Hey, Lincoln. How did that roommate swap turn out?"
Lincoln: "Not so great for me. I ended up rooming with Lily."
Clyde: "What? That's not fair. You have to get your sisters to switch back."
Lincoln: "I was going to, Clyde, but they all seem so happy now. I don't wanna ruin it for them, so I'll just have to take one for the team."
[Unbeknownst to him, Lucy, Lana, and Leni overheard him.]
Clyde: "You're a great brother, Lincoln. I'm gonna make you the best Crêpe Suzette ever."

[The next day, Lincoln wakes up and finds that he's back in his old room.]
Lincoln: "What's happening? Am I dreaming?"
[The sisters come in]
Lola: "No, dummy. We moved you while you were asleep. Well, Lynn and Lana did."
[Lynn and Lana are wearing back braces and panting from an exhausting job.]
Leni: "We all moved back to our old rooms."
Lincoln: "But I thought the new pairings were working great for everybody."
Luna: "They were, dude, but when we saw that you were willing to take one for the team, we thought there might be a way we could all be happy."
Lana: "Instead of changing rooms, maybe we can try a little harder to change our attitudes."
Lincoln: "Thanks, guys. You're the best."
[The sisters sans Lisa leave.]
Lisa: "Oh. By the way, Lincoln, I'm not certain I removed all my chemicals from your room. There's still a few unaccounted for. So, just let me know if you see anything." [leaves and closes the door]
[Suddenly, there's an explosion in Lincoln's room which causes his hair to fall off and reveal his brain now green and pulsating, just like Lisa's.]