The following is a transcript for the episode "Rumor Has It."
Note: Scenes cut out from British airings are in red.
Script[]
The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[Morning at Royal Woods Middle School, where the kids are lined up for a field trip. Amongst them are Lincoln and his friends, except for one] Lincoln: "This field trip's gonna be awesome!" Stella: "So what do you do at a rock quarry?" Liam: "Oh, it's a hoot. You dig for rocks!" Zach: "And kick rocks." [Tries to kick, but falls over] "Oof!" Lincoln: "And throw rocks at other rocks!" Rusty:[Pulling Lincoln close] "Then, when you're all worn out, you just hang out and look at rocks." Lincoln, Rusty, Zach and Liam:[High-five] "Yeah!" [Stella chuckles] Lincoln:[Takes out his phone] "I wonder where Clyde is." [Suddenly he hears a car pulling up. Lincoln gasps as the McBride's SUV pulls up, and Clyde disembarks] Clyde:[grunts] "Sorry I'm late. Negotiations with my dads went down to the wire. They finally agreed to let me come, but only if I wear this." [Pulls a string on his shirt, causing it to inflate like a balloon; the other friends gasp in surprise. Clyde starts rising up] "Guys?" [The others grab the line and manage to pull him down. The friends begin to head for the bus] Clyde: "How great is it that Mrs. Salter is chaperoning? She's the best." [Bumps into petrified Zach] Zach: "Yeah, but why does he have to come?" [He is addressing Mr. Bolhofner, who brandishes a small pocket knife and a jar of tuna; he uses the knife to cut open the jar, then swallows said jar full. The friends grimace, though Lincoln doesn't] Stella: "You know about Bolhofner, right?" [Imagines Mr. Bolhofner inside a maximum-security prison, and escaping] "I heard from Cici, who heard from Girl Jordan, he's an escaped convict." [Mr. Bolhofner cackles] Zach: "I heard from Chandler, who heard from his mom, that he's a cannibal." [Imagines Mr. Bolhofner mixing something in a cauldron, which spews a skull and crossbones-shaped smoke] "They call him 'Skull-hofner'." [Mr. Bolhofner cackles again] Liam: "I heard from Lunch-lady Pat that he's a mobster." [Imagines Mr. Bolhofner staring down at a random kid, who begs for mercy] "He can make a feller just plain disappear." [Mr. Bolhofner snaps his fingers, and the kid disappears. Mr. Bolhofner cackles again. Back to reality, where Mrs. Salter approaches] Mrs. Salter: "So, some bad news... looks like the wrong bus was reserved. We're not gonna have enough seats." [The shadow of Mr. Bolhofner looms over Lincoln and friends, who exclaim in surprise] Mr. Bolhofner: "No prob. I'll just drive whoever's left in the school van. It's got room for plenty of bodies." [With a sinister grin, he looks at the friend group, who shudders, clearly terrified. This also scares the other three kids who are waiting in line. The last three kids hurry on the bus, Lincoln and his friends see this, then turn their attention to Mr. Bolhofner; all are terrified save Lincoln] Mr. Bolhofner: "Looks like you chuckleheads are riding with me! Let me grab the keys... and a crowbar." [Clyde's shirt deflates] Clyde: "Plenty of... bodies?" Stella: "A crowbar?!" Zach: "We're gonna be Skull-hofner chow..." [Lincoln steps away from his terrified friends] Lincoln: "Guys, relax. The Hof's my homeroom teacher. I'd know if he was a convict, or a cannibal, or a mobster. Trust me. We've got nothing to worry about."
[His friends talk among each other, and start to feel better.] Stella: "Yeah." Rusty: "It's gonna be fine." Liam: "Okay." [Mrs. Salter pops out from the bus' front window, looking around] Mrs. Salter:[To the driver] "Go! Before Bolhofner gets back!" [The bus zooms off, leaving the terrified friends, and a smug-looking Lincoln, walking away. Mr. Bolhofner brandishes his crowbar, much to the kids' horror, but uses it to pry open the door] Mr. Bolhofner: "Dang door never opens right." [gets it open] "You know, I could have sworn I booked the bus with more seats." Lincoln: "So, who wants the front?" Lincoln's friends:[Touch their noses, without regret] "Dibs not!" [they dash away] Lincoln: "Dang it."
[Lincoln is forced to ride shotgun in Mr. Bolhofner's van] Mr. Bolhofner: "Anybody want some jerky? Made it myself..." [Evil look] "...in my basement." [Clyde, Liam, Zach, Stella, and Rusty shake their heads. Mr. Bolhofner starts eating the jerky rather savagely] Zach:[Worried] "I bet it's people jerky." [Mr. Bolhofner locks the doors one by one, the friends gasping each time, and drives off]
[They drive along and Mr. Bolhofner takes out his knife, much to the kids' horror, and starts shaving.] Lincoln:[Scratching the back of his head.] "So, Mr. Bolhofner, what do you like to do for fun?" Mr. Bolhofner: "Fun, huh? Watch movies, I guess." Lincoln:[Excited] "No! Way! We like movies too!" Mr. Bolhofner: "Video games." Lincoln: "Also awesomely normal." Mr. Bolhofner: "And hunting small prey at night." [Lincoln's friends all panic; Rusty begins to scream, but Stella quiets him. Suddenly Mr. Bolhofner hits the brakes, causing red fluid to splatter all over the windshield. On the road, Flip's delivery truck has tipped over, Flippee syrup everywhere. Mr. Bolhofner turns on the wipers] Stella: "Wow. That's a lot of Flippee syrup. It'll take hours and hours to clean, we should just head back to school." [The others clamour in agreement.] Zach: "Yeah, Stella." Mr. Bolhofner: "No need for that. I know a shortcut." [The others yelp as Mr. Bolhofner reverses, does a U-turn, and takes them down a forest path.] Rusty:[Getting bumped around] "Mr. Bol..." [his head bumps on the roof] "Ow! ...hofner, you sure you know..." [bumps again] "Ow! ...where you're going?" Mr. Bolhofner: "Of course! I come out here whenever I need to dispose of... my composting pile." [Lincoln's friends sigh with relief. Suddenly, Clyde retches.] Clyde: "I think we should pull over." Zach:[Slaps Clyde's back] "Oh, good thinking Clyde. You fake sick, Skull-hofner stops, we run." [Clyde turns green in the face and tries to hold his mouth with both hands. Mr. Bolhofner stops, Clyde and his friends run out and he pukes behind a tree; Still thinking Clyde's faking] "Wow, he's really selling it." Stella: "We can't escape with Skull-hofner's eagle eye on us." [They hear a knife sound. Mr. Bolhofner uses his pocket knife to clean his fingernails, while staring sharply at them. The five friends not puking huddle up.] Rusty: "Guys, my cousin Derek's a cop now. He says it always plays out like this. Helpless victim plus deserted road equals..." [Makes choking sounds and drops. Zach, Stella and Liam gasp] Lincoln:[Frustrated] "Guys, get a grip. First of all... Derek's not a cop, he's a part-time security guard at the outlets." Rusty[Gets up] "Still got a badge." Lincoln: "And yes, there's been weirdness, like Bolhofner booking the wrong bus, and the creepy shortcut, and the whole hunting small prey thing. But, none of that means anything." Clyde:[Offscreen] "Not all of us have your endless optimism, Lincoln." [Clyde returns with leaves in his hair. The others yelp as Mr. Bolhofner approaches. Zach inflates Clyde's shirt and they all hide behind him. Mr. Bolhofner approaches and takes out his knife, the friends are scared.] Mr. Bolhofner: "I got a text from Mrs. Salter. The bus is stuck in three feet of Flippee syrup. The field trip's cancelled. I'll take you kids back to school." [Goes to the van. Clyde's shirt deflates as he and the rest of Lincoln's friends sigh with relief] Lincoln: "See? Didn't I say we'd be fine?" Lincoln's friends: "Yeah." "I guess."
[Everyone agrees. They rejoin Mr. Bolhofner in the van. He starts it up when suddenly it stops moving.] Kids: "Huh?!" [Mr. Bolhofner checks and sees the back tire has popped] Mr. Bolhofner:[Groans] "Of all the times not to have a spare. Out here, where no one can find us, just as it's about to get dark." [The sun immediately drops] "Luckily, I have a hunting cabin nearby." [Mr. Bolhofner heads off] Rusty: "Guys, we are so gonna be jerky."
[Later, Mr. Bolhofner is bushwhacking with his crowbar to his cabin.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Ah, just a little farther. There's a landline so we can call your folks. Keep up! There's a lot of bears in these woods." [The gang is following, at a distance] Stella: "So we're hiking to our own graves?" Mr. Bolhofner: "Here it is." [They arrive at a really old and abandoned looking cabin just as some lightning strikes. The gang gulp in fear, and all freak out as a storm begins. Mr. Bolhofner grins as more lightning strikes.]
[Inside, Mr. Bolhofner opens the door, stands in the doorway, flips on the light and enters. The gang looks inside and enters. They see Mr. Bolhofner trying the rotary dial phone] Zach:[Having been born in the twenty-first century] "What is that thing? Some kind of medieval weapon?" Mr. Bolhofner:[Not getting any service while his phone starts beeping] "Phone's out." [More lightning. He hangs up and goes out] "Guess I'll go get some firewood from the shed." [Closes the door behind him] Rusty: "Derek says they always have a shed." Lincoln: "Rusty, stop it. This really isn't so bad! It's... actually kind of cozy in here." [He looks smugly back at his friends, then looks off to the distance; he sees a saw, a used bear trap (both of which shine), and a large spider with glowing teeth which swallows a hapless fly full. Now he realizes it; he becomes afraid and grips Clyde.] Lincoln: "Let's get out of here!" [He runs to the door and tries to pull it open; it doesn't budge. He shouts for help, banging his fists on the door's glass panel...] "Help!" [...nothing. He looks forlorn for a few seconds, realizing something...] "He locked it. From the outside!" [He is joined by the other friends, all showing nervous expressions.] Liam: "Ugh. Trapped like a plump chipmunk in a knothole." Lincoln:[Determined scowl] "We have to escape."
[A sheet of paper is used as a blueprint for a plan, where Mr. Bolhofner is shown tripping a wire over a puddle of lard, which would activate a Rube Goldberg machine in which a sack is dropped on his head.] Zach: "Okay, here's the plan: Skull-hofner walks through the door, he triggers the fishing line, which causes the quilt to fall over him. He stumbles backwards, slips on the cooking lard and falls." [Camera cuts to the gang minus Liam.] "With him all greased and tangled, we escape!" Lincoln:[Suspicious] "You sure this will work?" Zach: "Absolutely. My parents and I use this setup for Bigfoot traps." Stella: "But you've never caught Bigfoot." [The others are amused; Lincoln and Clyde laugh, Rusty smiles a bit, though Zach clearly isn't] Zach:[sarcastically]Way harsh, Stella." [Suddenly, Mr. Bolhofner is heard grunting, causing the group to perk up...] Clyde: "Ssh! Here comes Skull-hofner!" [The friends duck underneath the table. Underneath, Rusty realizes something.] Rusty: "Uh, guys, where's Liam?" [The others realize that Liam's not there. They peek out the table, and it is revealed Liam has just finished using the toilet, as evidenced by the flushing.] Liam: "Hoo-ee!" [What he doesn't realize is that he's about to ruin the trap] "Mee-Maw's grits don't mess around." [And he does, inadvertently tripping the wire; he looks up in time to see the quilt fall on him. He dodges the quilt, though he slips on the lard and hits the wall, causing the moose head to fall on his head. Mr. Bolhofner returns to see Liam flailing around with the moose on him] "Huh? Whoa! Oof." Mr. Bolhofner: "GET BACK HERE!" [He takes the moose head off of Liam's head] "What are you kids doing?!" Stella:[Laughing nervously] "You know, just playing a game of, uh.... moose tag. [puts her hands on Liam's shoulders] And Liam was it." Liam: "Yeah. Heh." [Starts making moose sounds and imitations.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Weird." [He goes to put the moose back and the kids sigh with relief]
[Later, the wood burning stove is lit and Mr. Bolhofner is whittling a skull. The kids are sitting in the corner and see the key on his belt.] Stella: "That must be the front door key. But how do we get it?" Rusty: "I could distract him, with my sick dance moves." [Starts dancing. Stella, Clyde, Liam and Zach aren't amused, but Lincoln is intrigued] Lincoln "Rusty, you've given me an idea. I know how to get those keys." [Calls over] "Hey Mr. Bolhofner, do you know how to... dance?" Mr. Bolhofner:[Groans.] "I picked up some moves when I was stranded in the Sahara with those Irish step dancers. Why?" Lincoln: "There's a dance coming up and poor Rusty here can't dance. Would you mind teaching him?" [Mr. Bolhofner tosses away the skull he's whittling] Mr. Bolhofner: "I guess. Got nothing else to do." [Lincoln, now joined by Zach, pushes Rusty towards Mr. Bolhofner. Facing him, he laughs nervously, then joins hands.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Alright. Follow my lead. And one, two, three..." [They start dancing as ballroom music starts to play] "One, two, three. One, two, three..." [Liam pops up from a nearby pot and reaches for the key, though he trips and falls out the pot as Rusty and Mr. Bolhofner stumbles. Clyde tries to lasso the key, and Lincoln and Stella try to snatch the key, to no success; Rusty and Mr. Bolhofner has finished their dance. The other friends who are watching incredulously see this and facepalm.]
[Some time later, the kids are gathered around the table.] Lincoln: "Okay, we're clear on the new plan?" [The other friends nod yes; Lincoln walks up to Mr. Bolhofner] "Hey there, Mr. B. Great fire. You know, I've got a new hobby these days: cellars." [Acknowledging the cellar behind him, he gestures to it] "Boy, do I love a good old-fashioned cellar!" [Slight pause] Mr. Bolhofner: "Weird." Lincoln: "Yeah, well, not a lot going on in Royal Woods. So... any chance I could see the cabin cellar?" Mr. Bolhofner: "Knock yourself out." Lincoln: "How about a... personal tour?" [Blinks, smiles widely, then gestures towards the cellar; Mr. Bolhofner's eye opens a tiny bit suspiciously. He gives in.] Mr. Bolhofner:[Grumbling] "Yeah..." [He advances to the cellar, opens the door and just as he's about to make his way in, Lincoln grabs the key from behind his belt, causing the latter to tumble into the cellar, screaming. With him now inside, Lincoln closes the doors, and the other friends get to work barricading the cellar. With further protection of the barricade and Mr. Bolhofner locked in, Lincoln runs to the door and tries to use the key... though it breaks.] Lincoln:[yelps] The key broke!" [The other friends gasp in surprise.] "I just need something to ram the door with." [He starts thinking. They soon notice the moose head. Lincoln grabs it, which drops to the ground. Then the kids are about to ram the door with it, though they stop as they hear Mr. Bolhofner banging on the cellar door off-screen.] Stella: "Hurry! Skull-hofner is coming!" [The kids let out a battle cry and are able to ram the door. They make their way out.] Lincoln: "Everybody, RUN FOR IT!" [they drop the moose head] [Mr. Bolhofner growls, and is shown to have broken out the cellar. The kids take off screaming, their tail between their legs, though they fast reach a dead end.] Liam: "Oh, we're done for!" [Seeing as there's no way out, Lincoln pulls out his phone and records a message.] Lincoln: "I, Lincoln Albert Loud, leave to my sisters all my Ace Savvy comics." [Threateningly] "And you're not allowed to hock 'em to make a fast buck, Lola!" [Suddenly, he gasps as Mr. Bolhofner emerges from the bushes, roaring a fierce battle cry, then he fixes his eyes on the gang. They whimper in fright, and it appears Mr. Bolhofner is about to pounce on them, Lincoln holding his phone high for protection... until Mr. Bolhofner jumps upwards instead onto a log, facing an aggressive bear. The bear roars and does a lengthy and suspenseful battle with Mr. Bolhofner, the latter walking out unscathed and the former running scared into the woods. Mr. Bolhofner does one last roar, then turns his attention to the kids.] Mr. Bolhofner: "What were you thinking, locking me in the cellar and running out into the woods?! You could've been hurt!" Stella: "Well, it's just... we thought --" Rusty:[Interrupting her] "We thought you were gonna turn us into people jerky!" [covers his eyes in fear] [Now Mr. Bolhofner realizes this apparent misconception.] Mr. Bolhofner:[Heaving a sigh] "I should've known. This was all about those dumb lies people say about me. Come on, let's get you inside." [He heads back to the cabin. The kids hesitate, then follow suit.]
[Meanwhile, it is raining heavily; the kids are wrapped in warm blankets and sipping from mugs.] Mr. Bolhofner: "As soon as the storm settles, I'll take you kids home. I think there's a spare tire for the van in the shed. I'll wait out there so you don't have to worry about 'Skull-hofner'." [Sighs] "Funny, I'm tough enough to wrestle a bear, but those cruel rumors hurt my feelings." [He sullenly exits the cabin. The kids reflect about the day's events.] Clyde: "I feel awful about what we did." [His shirt inflates once again.] Stella: "Me, too. Mr. B is actually really cool." Zach: "I bet if everybody at school knew what he was really like, those rumors would go away." Rusty: "Yeah, dawg. Wish there was a way we could set the record straight." [Beat; then Lincoln gets an idea] Lincoln:[Gasping] "Rusty, you've given me an idea!" Rusty: "Fine, I'll cha-cha with him." Lincoln:[taking out his phone] "Not that." [He types away on his phone.]
[It is the next day at Royal Woods Middle School. Lincoln and his friends is showing everyone and Mrs. Salter the video of Mr. Bolhofner wrestling the bear, and everyone is surprised] Lincoln: "See? Mr. B isn't a convict, or a mobster, or a cannibal. If you get to know him, you'll find out that he's a great guy who's brave and loyal." [Door opens off-screen] "Oh, speaking of which, here's the bear-wrestler himself: Mr. 'Coolhofner'." [All the kids and Mrs. Salter cheer for Mr. Bolhofner. He is taken aback in a welcome surprise... then toughens up.] Mr. Bolhofner:[Grunts; angrily] "Everybody get to class. Or it's detention!" [The others scamper back for class. He soon spots Lincoln and his friends.] "Hey!" [They stop and face him; then his expression changes from a frown to one of gratitude.] "Thank you." [They go on, back to class. Mr. Bolhofner chuckles amusingly to himself] "'Coolhofner'." [As the ballroom music starts once again, Mr. Bolhofner takes a broom and dances away humming; the doors close as the episode ends.]
