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Act I[]
[At the Loud House, in Lincoln's room.] Lincoln:[snaps on a pair of undershorts.] "Wear lucky underwear." [checks it off] "Check." [Puts on a pair of jeans.] "Wear new jeans." [checks it off] "Check. Put on best polo." [Picks a polo and checks it off.] "Check." [to the viewers] "Things are pretty crazy around the Loud House this morning." [He opens his door to reveal the usual Loud House chaos. Luan and Charles are fighting over Mr. Coconuts, Lola's princess car is going haywire, Luna is rocking out, Lucy is dragging a coffin into her and Lynn's room, Lisa is using a barrier and a laser to fend off Tentacle before it grabs her and drags her into her and Lily's room, and Lana has fallen from the attic before crashing into the walls.] Lincoln: "It's the first day of school, and there are a lot of changes this year. For starters, Lori's leaving for college." [In Lori and Leni's room, Lori is trying to fit her clothes into a suitcase. She barely manages to close the suitcase, but some clothes fly out. Meanwhile, Leni is digging through a pile of her clothes.] Leni: "Lori, I need help! Dress or jumpsuit? Dress or jumpsuit?!" Lori: "They're both cute, Leni, but maybe you can start choosing on your own from now on." [Manages to pick up her suitcase.] "I'm not gonna be around to-" [Lori gets hit by a stray shirt from Leni's pile and is sent spinning out of her room and falling down the staircase. Cliff can be heard yowling when Lori lands, making Lincoln wince. Luna and the twins are waiting in line for the bathroom.] Lincoln: "And Lily's starting preschool, which means she had to be potty-trained. That's great, 'cause, y'know, no more dirty diapers, but it's also not, because that's one more sister hogging the bathroom." [Luna and the twins are complaining.] Lola:[in unison] "I gotta tinkle!" Lana:[in unison] "My turn!" [When the toilet flushes and Lily, dressed in her new outfit, walks out of the bathroom, the three sisters look at each other before fighting to get in.] Lincoln: "Man with the Plan." [reveals a toy gun with a suction cup. He fires a string at the bathroom mirror and uses his shirt as a zipline to make it in before cutting the line with a pair of scissors, disrupting his sisters' fight.] "I saved the biggest news for last: this is my first day of middle school!" [Neatly does his hair.] "Flawless hair." [checks it off] "Check. Most kids would be nervous, but not this guy." [The sisters bang on the bathroom door.] "I made customized checklists for my friends and me, so nothing can go wrong..." [the sisters break the door, clawing at him, to which scares him.] "...if I make it out of here alive."
[Rita enters the kitchen to see Lynn Sr. in the middle of cooking.] Rita:[Dodges a piece of bread.] "Whoa! What's all this?" Lynn Sr.: "Oh, this? Well, I just wanted breakfast to be extra special since, you know... everyone's growing up and moving on!" [sobs and hugs Rita] Rita: "I know, honey, but we promised we would hold it together for the kids." Lynn Sr.:[nods] "Kids! Breakf- breakfast is- I can't do it! I can't do it!" [sobs again] Rita: "I got this. Kids! Breakfast!" [Lincoln makes it downstairs via banister when the sisters (minus Lori and Leni) all get caught in a fight, tumbling down the stairs. Lynn pops in with a whistle and disrupts the fight.] Lisa:[annoyed] "What's with the confounded whistle?" Lynn: "I'm just getting some practice in. Principal Ramirez made me hall monitor this year and I will not let her down. I was born to carry this badge." [Shows off her badge that reads "HALL MONITOR. Save the halls, save the world." Lily then throws her pacifier at her.] "Aah! Loud, that's strike two!" [Lily laughs at Lynn and blows a raspberry. Lynn prepares to wrestle, but Rita restrains her.] Rita: "You're not on duty yet. Now everybody in for breakfast." [Lynn Sr. sets his Lynn-sagna among the immaculately designed breakfast. The kids all stare in wonder before ravenously digging in and are about to leave but...] "Oh no you don't. Your dad worked all morning on a special family meal, and we are going to enjoy it together. Do you want to break that man's heart?" Lynn Sr.:[sorrowfully getting the plates.] "It's fine, I'll just clear these and do the dishes..." Rita: "Or can you spare a minute?" [Lynn Sr. is about to do the dishes when he sees Luna and Luan sit down and eat. He peeks in to see his kids eating slowly.] Lola: "59, and 60. It's been a minute!" [The kids all dash out of the dining room.] Lynn Sr.:[sighs] "Those kids..." Rita: "I know, sometimes they can be-" Lynn Sr.: "So ding dang thoughtful!" [He breaks down sobbing once again as Rita comforts him.]
[In the driveway, Lori struggles to fit a giant teddy bear into her car. She accidentally pushes a lamp out of the car, breaking it.] Lori:[Groans at that] "Guess it's time to say goodbye." [She turns around and sees her teary-eyed family (minus Leni) in front of her.] "Aw, guys. Bring it in for a-" [The family all rush in to hug her.] Rita: "OK guys, come on. Your big sister needs to get on the road." Lynn Sr.:[Walks up to her] "And this isn't goodbye, it's just see you later. Well, champ, put 'er there." [He sticks out his hand, but Lori hugs her dad before getting in her car.] Lori:[pulling out before waving] "Bye!" [The rest of her family wave goodbye, but then a thud is heard.] Rita: "Honey, let go!" Lynn Sr.:[latching onto Lori's car.] "DON'T GO! DON'T GO!" Leni:[bursts out of the doorway still in her bathrobe.] "Lori, what about this pants suit?" [chases after Lori's car.] "I can't go to school until you tell me what to wear!" [At that moment, the school bus arrives, and the Louds enter the bus. Lincoln runs up to all of his friends.] Lincoln: "OK everybody, up top." [all five high-five] "First middle school high five, check. Who's ready to rock day one?" [Everyone groans] Rusty: "I know I am. Grew this sweet new 'stache over the summer, so I'm golden." Zach: "OK, A: I'd hardly call that a 'stache. And B: why can't you just admit you're nervous like the rest of us?" Lincoln: "Guys, there's nothing to be nervous about. Especially because we'll all be together in Mrs. Salter's class, which Lynn said rules." Clyde: "But Lincoln, we're gonna get eaten alive! We're not big fish anymore." Lincoln: "Everybody calm down, I'm telling you." [blows harmonica and clears his throat.] "As long as we're together, we'll be fine." [The bus arrives at the middle school. Lincoln comes out of it and starts singing.]
♫ This is it, middle school ♫ ♫ And we'll make this day look easy ♫ Zach: ♫ But we're not lit ♫ Rusty: ♫ We're not cool ♫ Clyde: ♫ And my stomach's really queasy ♫ Stella: ♫ I don't think I can go through with it ♫ Lincoln: ♫ Just take a deep breath and get a grip ♫ ♫ Our strategy is tight, our game is strong ♫ ♫ We got this, we got this ♫ ♫ We'll get through it all together ♫ ♫ We got this, we got this ♫ ♫ We're invincible ♫ ♫ We're a team, we're a troop ♫ ♫ We're the best forever friend group ♫ ♫ I've got your back, I know that you've got mine ♫ ♫ Trust me, we'll be fine ♫ Clyde: [Cradled in a corner below some ruffians.] ♫ Feeling impending doom ♫ Zach: ♫ Getting shoved inside a locker ♫ [Gets shoved in] Liam: [Looks at a maze map] ♫ I can't find my classroom ♫ Rusty: [Pounding the snack machine.] ♫ And this machine just ate my dollar ♫ [The machine hits him back.] Stella: ♫ I miss Pizza Day already ♫ Lincoln: ♫ Look at this delish mystery spaghetti ♫ ♫ We can rule this hallway side by side ♫ ♫ Trust me, we'll be fine (We got this, we got this) ♫ [Pulls his friends through the halls. Hangs from a locker] ♫ Trust me, we'll be fine (We got this, we got this) ♫ [Saves his friends from their fantasies.] ♫ Trust me, we'll be fine ♫
[The bell rings for school. Lincoln and his friends enter the classroom and stare in awe at the Rip Hardcore merchandise and the juice bar.] Mrs. Salter: "Hey guys, I'm Mrs. Salter. Okay, so here's the low down: juice bar in the back, help yourself. Also, there are cards on the desks with your names on them. Rip Hardcore-themed, I love the show, and he is a personal friend of mine." [They are all amazed.] Lincoln: "See? I told you guys, there's nothing to worry about." [Clyde, Zach, Liam, Rusty, and Stella all sit in their seats. But Lincoln doesn't have one.] Lincoln: "Um, Mrs. Salter? I can't find my desk. My name's Lincoln Loud." Mrs. Salter: "Oh, okay." [Flips through a checklist.] "Here you are, looks like you're... in Mr. Bolhofner's class." Lincoln:[Gasps] "No, that can't be right! I know I requested this class." Clyde:[Spins Lincoln around.] "For the love of sponge cake! Say you turned in the form! Say it!" Lincoln: "I did! See? There's a checkmark!" [Lincoln brings up his checklist. Clyde sniffs the checkmark-looking mark near the "Turn in form" mark and licks it.] Clyde: "That's not a check, that's a Flippee stain!" [Lincoln moans and faints] "Mrs. Salter, can't he stay? I mean, he's already here. Please?" Lincoln: "Yeah, we have to stick together." Liam: "Yeah, we just sang a dang song about it." Mrs. Salter: "Oh, I am so sorry, guys, but we're full. Lincoln's gonna have to report to Mr. Bolhofner's class." Lincoln: "Where's that?" [Mrs. Salter shows Lincoln the answer outside her window.] "The trailer?!" Mrs. Salter:[Hands Lincoln a juice box.] "Here's a juice for the road. It's quite a hike." [Lincoln looks worried.]
[Lynn Sr. and Rita drop off Lily at Baby Bunker preschool.] Dr. Shuttleworth: "Any behavioral issues, like biting?" Lynn Sr.: "Only during full moons." [howls; he, Rita, and Lily laugh before Rita clears her throat.] "Werewolf joke..." Dr. Shuttleworth: "Potty-trained?" Lynn Sr.: "Have been for 42 years." [chuckles and offers a fist bump.] Rita: "Lynn, stop. Yes, Lily is potty-trained." Dr. Shuttleworth: "Perfect. I think we're set. I'll go ahead and take Miss Lily now." [Lynn Sr. hands her Lily.] Lynn Sr.: Well, champ, put 'er there." [Lily shakes his hand before leaving with Dr. Shuttleworth.] Rita: "Wow, honey, you handled that surprisingly-" Lynn Sr.:[tears up] "They're all leaving us!" [He breaks down sobbing and collapses onto the preschool floor as Rita stares uncomfortably.]
[Back at the Loud House, the parents see they're alone with no kids for the first time in eighteen years.] Rita: "This is what alone feels like?" Lynn Sr.: "What are we gonna do with no kids around?" [They think for a moment and look at each other. Later, Rita slides down the banister followed by Lynn Sr. Next, they have a pillow fight on their bed.] Lynn Sr.:[Lands a hit] "I gotcha!" Rita: "Gotcha!" [She pillows him across the room. Later, Lynn Sr. is playing Luna's drums, and Rita is throwing her hair around on the electric guitar.]
[At Fairway, Lori is on the phone with Bobby.] Lori: "Boo-Boo Bear, I'm finally here!" [Excitedly enters her floor and shows Bobby.] "Look! It's my floor!" [She squeals in excitement until the entire floor shushes at her.] "But I was just-" [Someone points to the sign next to her which reads…] "Quiet floor silence at all times?" [Gulps] "I'll literally never survive." [Everyone shushes her again.]
[At middle school, Lincoln dashes by a couple of lockers, panting. Lynn appears in front of him and blows her whistle.] Lynn: "No speeding!" Lincoln: "Come on, Lynn! This is the worst day of my life! And I have to make it all the way to Bolhofner's room!" Lynn: "The Hof?! Oh, boy, stinks to be you. All right, I shouldn't be doing this, but, climb on. This is a one-time-only escort." [Lincoln climbs onto Lynn's back. She slips on a siren hat, sprints to Mr. Bolhofner's, and throws Lincoln on the ground upon arrival.] "Good luck in there, bro. The Hof keeps his room scorching hot. Oh, and watch out for his breath. Sardines, with a hint of red onions and farts." [As Lynn runs back to the school building, Lincoln hesitantly enters Mr. Bolhofner's room. It's just as hot as she warned, with everyone tired and sweating. He goes to the only seat available, but accidentally ends up sitting in pudding.] Chandler:[laughs] "Hm, I wondered where I left my pudding cup. Thanks for finding it for me, Lincoln Lame." Lincoln: "Ugh, Chandler." [He is interrupted by Mr. Bolhofner scratching his fingernails on the chalkboard.] Mr. Bolhofner: "OK, listen up. The name's Bolhofner. I didn't spend fifteen years in the military followed by two months stranded inside an active volcano, surviving on lizards and pumice stone, to be pushed around by a bunch of chuckleheads." [Lincoln facepalms onto his desk.]
[Back at the Loud House, Rita and Lynn Sr. are enjoying a bowl of ice cream.] Lynn Sr.: "I could get used to this." [Rita's cellphone rings.] Rita: "It's Lily's preschool." [answers] "Hello? What?!" [Later, the parents are now with Lily in the house.] Rita: "I could have sworn she was potty-trained. How did we miss this?" Lynn Sr.: "I don't know. But now that we've had that sweet taste of alone time, I need more. I need more, Rita!" Rita: "Then it's settled. It's potty training time take two." [Lily soils herself, giggling.]
[At middle school, Lincoln's friends have finished lunch when Lincoln arrives.] Lincoln: "Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. It's a really long walk from Mr. Bolhofner's." [The bell rings, and all the students stampede out of the lunchroom.] Zach: "Sorry! Class!" Rusty: "See ya later, buddy!" Clyde: "Hang in there, buddy!" Lynn: "Sorry bro, I'm gonna have to write you up for loitering in a no-stepping zone." [She slaps a report on Lincoln's forehead and walks away. Lincoln groans.]
[In her dorm room, Lori is watching The Dream Boat with subtitles on. She squeals, but is shushed by her dorm mates. Later, she sighs as she enjoys a cup of coffee, but is also shushed by her dorm mates. Finally, she warily looks around before slurping a bowl of noodles, but is once again shushed. She retreats into her dorm before calling Leni.] Lori: "Come on, pick up, pick up... Leni, you won't believe- wait, why are you still in your bathrobe? Didn't school start, like, five hours ago?" Leni: "Well, yeah, but I couldn't go. You never said what to wear. Now how about this fit and flare dress?" [Lori breaks down sobbing.] "OMGosh, is the dress that bad?" Lori: "No! I'm stuck on the quiet floor, and everyone hates me!" [her dorm mates all shush her.] "I'm trying, OK?!"
[In Mr. Bolhofner's room, Lincoln tries to concentrate as Chandler repeatedly kicks his seat.] Lincoln: "Dang it, Chandler, stop kicking!" Mr. Bolhofner: "Oh, a talker, huh?" [leans in closer to force his odorous breath on Lincoln.] "Well, Mr. Blabber Lips, you'll be spending your lunch with me." [Split-screen between Lincoln and Lori.] Lincoln and Lori: "I have to get out of here." [End of Act I.]
Act II[]
[It's the next day. The Loud kids (minus Leni) are outside and the bus pulls up. They enter.] Lynn:[Jumping over Luan, Lincoln, and Luna.] "Make way for the law, chumps!" [Luna fixes her hair as she continues to head to her seat. Lincoln approaches his friends] Stella: "So what's the plan, Lincoln? We need you in our class. Without you, everything's thrown off." Liam: "Yeah. You should've seen us try to paper-mâché a group project yesterday."
[Flashback to that project. All five of them managed to glue themselves together. End of flashback.] Lincoln: "Man with the Plan. I'm just gonna ask Principal Ramirez to switch me into your class." Liam: "Yeah, I don't know. You reckon she'll go for that?" Lincoln:[Certain] "Guys, please, I'm great at convincing." Rusty: "Well, if you need any assistance let me know, I could pretend to be your dad, or an attorney, since I look like I'm thirty now. You know?" [Clyde facepalms and the bus leaves. Just then, Leni comes out wearing a rather mixed up outfit, as she is putting on a white boot on her right foot.] Leni: "Well, I still don't know what to wear, but I guess I'll just have to chance it." [Another bus pulls up, Leni gets on and finds it full of toddlers. She shrugs and goes in. She walks up to an empty seat next to a little girl.] "Is this seat taken?" [The girl pulls a booger out of her nose.] "I'll take that as a no." [Sits] "So are you new to our school? I don't remember seeing you around." [The girl claps and the Baby Bunker Bus takes off.]
[Back at middle school.] Lincoln: "If all goes to plan, I'll be in your class by the end of the day." [The bell goes off.] Rusty: "Run dude, you're gonna be late." [Lincoln hurries off.] Clyde: "Here's a juice for the road." [Tosses it to him.] Lincoln:[Catches it] "Thanks, Clyde." [Just then, Lynn tackles him.] Lynn: "No throwing juice in the halls!" Lincoln: "Lynn, I have to get to class. Can you give me another escort?" Lynn:[Buzzer sound] "Negative! You only get one freebie. You're doing some time, Stinkin'." [Stuffs him in a locker.] Lincoln: "This isn't even my locker." Lynn: "This isn't even my juice, but you don't see me complaining!" [Drinks it and walks off.]
[At Mr. Bolhofner's class, Lincoln tries to sneak in unnoticed.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Late on day two, Loud? That's another lunch you'll be spending with me, and my tuna casserole." Lincoln: "But Mr. Bolhofner, my sister Lynn stuffed me in a locker! I had to jerry-rig a paperclip to get out." Mr. Bolhofner: "I don't want excuses." Lincoln: "So there's probably no chance I could go talk to the principal?" Mr. Bolhofner: "No! And just for asking, that's a week with me and my leftovers." [Lincoln sighs, he takes his seat and it falls apart. Chandler laughs, holding a screwdriver. Lincoln groans.]
[The Loud House at night.] Lynn Sr.: "Come on, Lily, just get on the ding-dang darn seat dang it." [Lily sits in the hall refusing, while her parents offer her cookies.] "Come on, I'll give you this cookie." [Lily sighs and walks into the bathroom while her parents still offer her cookies.] Lynn Sr.:[simultaneously with Rita] "Come on. Come on, get the cookie. You're so good, all you have to do is pee!" Rita:[simultaneously with Lynn Sr.] "Come on, Lily. Come on. Don't be scared." [gives Lily a cookie.] "That's it, Lily. Now-" [Gets a half a cookie thrown at her.] Lynn Sr.:[Sternly] "Now Lily, throwing cookies is not-" [Gets the other half thrown at him. Lily laughs. Rita and Lynn Sr. sigh.] "Lily, using the potty's easy! Watch how Daddy does it." [Sits on the training potty, but gets stuck.] "Oh, oh, great, great, now I'm stuck. Rita, help!" [Rita tries to pull the training potty off her husband's butt. She manages, but they both fall into the bathtub, Lily laughs and crawls away, while the parents groan.]
[At Fairway] Lori: "Thanks for helping me move, Boo-Boo Bear." [She and Bobby are in an elevator.] Bobby: "No prob, Babe, but I do need to get back to the mercado soon. Sergio molted in all of the produce." [Coughs up feathers] [They arrive on the new floor and Lori reads the banner.] Lori: "Welcome to the driving range floor." [They walk in and suddenly...] Golf Student: "Fore!" [A bombardment of golfballs comes flying in and out of every door.] Bobby:[Puts a noodle strainer on his girlfriend's head.] "Here, Babe, you're gonna need this." [Gets hit, followed by Lori.]
[In Mr. Bolhofner's class.] Mr. Bolhofner: "Sea cucumbers vomit their stomachs and intestines as a means of tangling up predators." [Lincoln wipes away the sweat, and fiddles in his really small desk.] "Hey! Don't scratch that desk, Loud, it's on loan from the kindergarten." Lincoln: "Sorry, it's just a little small." Mr. Bolhofner: "Instead of complaining, you should be thanking me, you get to sit by Hank, our beloved class pet." [Lincoln is indeed sitting next to a fish tank, with a little goldfish inside, which gets eaten by Hank. Lincoln yelps and hides behind the desk top. Inside the desk, he notices a red and green marker. He draws a swollen, runny nose on himself.] Lincoln: "Excuse me, Mr. Bolhofner," [realizes he's still holding a marker.] "I'm not feeling well." [Coughs] Mr. Bolhofner:[Doesn't even turn around.] "If you're not bleeding you'll survive until the end of the day." [Lincoln wipes the ink off his face and notices Hank, and looks at his finger, he sighs. Lincoln opens the fish tank and sticks his finger in.] Lincoln: "Ow! Mr. Bolhofner, Hank just bit me. Can I go to the nurse now?" Mr. Bolhofner:[Growls in annoyance] "Fine, but give Hank his tooth back." [Lincoln pulls the tooth out, bleeds a little, and tosses the tooth to Hank, who eats it. Lincoln exits the trailer and runs across the field. He runs inside where Lynn tackles him again.] Lynn: "Stop! You're going five in a three!" Lincoln: "Lynn, come on, I just need to talk to the principal, I've got important business." Lynn: "No one's above the law, Stinkin'. I took an oath." Lincoln: "Fine, can I just get a drink first? You always say hydration is important." Lynn: "Yeah, I do say that. Okay, one drink." [Lincoln goes to the fountain, takes a drink, then spits it onto the floor and makes a run for it. Lynn gasps and gives chase, she slips in the water but regains her balance and rides a trashcan across the hall, accidentally catching a girl in it. She dismounts and lands next to another garbage can.] "Where'd he go?" [She goes off, and Lincoln peeks out of the trashcan. He comes out, relieved, and takes a banana peel off his head.]
[Meanwhile, in the gym, Lincoln's friends are all waiting for whatever comes next.] Liam:[Knees quivering] "Oh, I've got a real bad feeling down deep in my bones." Clyde: "Me too, middle school gym class is no grade school gym class." [Whispers] "Please be yoga, please be yoga." Coach Keck:[Blows her whistle] "Okay kids. Who's ready to dodge some balls?" [The gang looks over and sees some bigger kids looking menacingly at them.] Clyde:[Still whispering] "My every nightmare's about to come true." Rusty: "Nobody panic! Initiate scorpion formation." [They get into their formation, which confuses the bigger kids, but only for a moment. Stella throws a ball but she misses, and a fastball sends them the gang down.] Liam: "What happened? We just got our rumps handed to us." Stella: "Without Lincoln, the formation's off, our flank is exposed." Zach:[Holds two balls and lets out a battle cry.] "Every man for himself!" [Throws the balls randomly, and they both miss. The bigger kids nail him three times. Stella and Liam look at each other, worried.]
[In the office a rather familiar-looking secretary is on the phone.] Meryl: "And that's how we got his name Honeysuckle Clams." [Laughs, then sees Lincoln approaching.] "Oh, to be continued." [Hangs up] Lincoln: "Excuse me, can I please talk to the principal?" [Sees the secretary] "Cheryl?" Meryl: "Oh, no, sugar, I'm Meryl, Cheryl's sister. And I'm sorry, but Principal Ramirez is busier than a beehive in a bouquet of babies' breath. Let me see when she's free though." [Checks] "Can you do Christmas? Of next year?" [Lincoln groans and the bell rings.] "Oopsie doodle, that's lunch." [Puts a sign up] Principal Ramirez:[Comes out of her office, unhappy.] "Meatloaf again? Ugh, Meryl, did I not stress to the lunch staff not to serve meatloaf on Tuesdays? That's what I make for dinner, I can't have it twice." [Walks on, Lincoln thinks and gets an idea. He grabs a paper off the desk, writes something down, folds it into a plane and throws it into Principal Ramirez's ear.] "Ugh! What's this?" [Reads it] "Tires of the same old lunch? Come on down to Lynn's Table. Bring this flyer for a free appetizer." [Thinks] "Meryl! I am going off campus for lunch." Lincoln: "Meryl, what's it gonna take for me to get an off-campus lunch pass?" Meryl:[Thinks] "You just answer me one question." [Shows a photo of her and her sister.] "Who do you think's older? Me or-" Lincoln: "Cheryl." Meryl: "You enjoy your lunch sugar snap." [Gives him the pass and he heads off.]
[In the cafeteria, Lincoln's friends are still sore from gym class.] Stella: "What did you guys bring to trade?" Rusty: "Who wants my grilled cheese?" [No takers] Zach: "I guess no one. But I do want your apples and peanut butter." Rusty: "That's off limits. Unless Clyde gives up a cupcake." Clyde: "I never trade my cupcakes. Unless Lincoln brings his mac and cheese bites." Stella: "Oh no, without Lincoln the trade formula is off too." Liam:[Mad] "Doggone it!" [Bangs the table, knocking every utensil onto the floor.] "We need that feller back." [Everyone groans] Rusty:[Still sore from gym.] "Ten bucks to anyone who will bend down and get my fork." Zach:[Also sore] "Not worth it." [Drinks his pudding]
[Meanwhile, at Lynn's Table, Lincoln casually passes by Principal Ramirez.] Lincoln:[Gasps] "Oh, hey Principal Ramirez, didn't know you ate here. I'm Lincoln Loud, one of your new students, and my dad happens to own this restaurant. Complimentary potato skin?" Principal Ramirez:[Gasps] "Those are my favorite. Well, my second favorite aside from…" Lincoln: "Jalepeño poppers?" [Principal Ramirez squeals and eats.] "I did some research in case you came by. While I've got you, there are actually a few things I need to talk to you about." [Takes out a large screen and switches into his 'Master of Convincing' shirt] "Presenting 876 reasons why I shouldn't be in Mr. Bolhofner's class. Number one, unsafe working environment due to high chance of being bit by a piranha." [33 reasons later...] "Number 34, my desk is really doing a number on my back." [253 reasons later...] "Number 287, my fellow students don't seem to take education as seriously as I do." [478 reasons later...] "Number 765, the sweltering temperatures injuring my ability to learn. So what do you think?" Principal Ramirez: "I say, yes!" Lincoln: "Yes!" Principal Ramirez: "These are the best poppers in town." [Has another] Lincoln: "No, I mean about me switching classes." Principal Ramirez: "Sorry, I can't help you with that, there's just no room in Mrs. Salter's class, sorry." [Has another popper] "But these are great. I'll take another round." [Gives Lincoln the plate. Lincoln sighs.]
[Back at the Loud house.] Rita: "Lily, we are putting you on the potty and that's final!" [They chase Lily. She slides downstairs and lands on Charles. Rita and Lynn Sr. run into each other upstairs and run downstairs. Lily rides Charles out the front door and around the back. The parents run after her.] Lynn Sr.: "You go that way, we'll corner her." [At the back door, Lily is inside and Lynn Sr. is locked out.] "She went in the doggy door!" [Tries to open it.] "Oh, no it's locked!" Rita: "The front door is locked too. What do we do now?" Lynn Sr.: "Well, I guess there's always the chimney." Rita:[Touches her nose] "Dibs not." [Lynn Sr. groans.]
[At Fairway, Lori dons the colander to protect her head from the onslaught of golf balls. She rushes out of her room and nearly dodges all the balls before tripping. She tearfully grabs her phone and calls Bobby.] Lori: "Boo-Boo Bear, I wanna move to another floor." Bobby: "I'm turning around right now!" [Bobby hangs up, causing Lori to smile. However, another golf ball breaks a hole in her phone.]
[At Baby Bunker, Leni is sitting with the toddlers.] Leni: "Oh, I don't know. Does this work?" Baby:[touches Leni's outfit] "Pretty!" Leni: "Thank you! I love your romper. Totes cute color." [The baby laughs] "You wanna sit together at lunch?" [The baby giggles in response.]
[Mr. Bolhofner's room.] Principal Ramirez:[over intercom] "Lincoln Loud, please report to the principal's office." Students: "Ooooooh!" Lincoln: "Oh, what now?" [Lincoln is now in Principal Ramirez's office.] Principal Ramirez: "Lincoln?" [Lincoln gulps.] "I actually have some good news. You've proven yourself to be a pretty determined kid. So I pulled some strings and I found a way to get you what you want." Lincoln: "Oh, thank you, thank you! My friends are going to be so happy!" Principal Ramirez: "You'll be challenged in a cooler classroom, etcetera, etcetera..." Lincoln: "You just earned free poppers for life, Principal Ramirez!" Principal Ramirez: "...because you'll be attending a new school! It's just across the river." Lincoln: "Wait, what? A new school?!" Principal Ramirez: "Yeah, it wasn't easy, but I was able to enroll you since I know the principal there. He owes me a favor." Lincoln: "But-but..." Principal Ramirez: "I cashed it in, so this better be worth it, Loud! And by the way, it's in Canada!" [waves two flags of Canada] Lincoln: "Canada?!"
Act III[]
[At the end of the day, the bus is waiting to pick everyone up. The bell goes off and everybody gets on. The bus takes off.] Lincoln: "I'm glad you're all sitting down cause I have terrible news." [Notices how his friends are sitting.] "Wait, why are you guys sitting like that?" Liam: "We couldn't figure out the bus seating arrangement without you so… we crammed into one." [They feel something. Clyde wiggles out.] Clyde: "What's your terrible news?" Lincoln: "I know it sounds crazy but my plan to get into your class failed and now I'm being transferred to a school in Canada." [Lincoln's friends can't believe their ears.] Clyde:[Calls someone] "Dr. Lopez, I need to schedule an emergency appointment this afternoon." [Gets an answer] "Well cancel your massage!" Liam: "But we were already falling to pieces with you in Bolhofner's. How are we gonna survive if you're in a different country? We'll be like a prickle of porcupines missin' our head pine." [The other have no idea what that means.] "Trust me y'all, that's bad." Stella: "Can't you just say you're allergic to Canada, or something?" Lincoln: "I wish, Principal Ramirez pulled a lot of strings to get me into that school, I, kind of, have no choice but to make the best of it." [The others groan] "At least we'll see each other at the weekly game night tomorrow." Clyde: "Can somebody else bring dessert? I can't cook, I'm a wreck!"
[The Loud House, 4:00 a.m. Lincoln is sound asleep when his Dad bursts into his room.] Lynn Sr.: "Rise and shine, Linc." [Shakes his cowbell] "It's 4:00 a.m., you don't wanna be late for your first day at your new school." [Takes the blanket off Lincoln] Lincoln: "Dad, I can't, it's too early." Lynn Sr:[Still with the cowbell.] "Yes you can...ada!" [Later, he is driving Lincoln to the Royal Woods Ferry Station. They make it just as the boat is about to leave. Lincoln hurries to get on.] "Good luck kiddo!" [Lincoln gets on] "Wait! Your passport! And your breakfast! [Slips on some water, but manages to toss the passport and cereal to Lincoln before falling into the river.]
[The ferry arrives at the Canadian border. At the customs office, the border guard is singing the Canadian version of a well-known song.] Border Guard: "♫ Eh, girl / If I could / Eh, girl / Eh, girl! ♫" [Stamps Lincoln's passport] "Welcome to Canada." [Slides the passport back.] "Here's your complimentary snowsuit and toque." [Gives them to Lincoln, he takes them and stumbles to the door.] "You're gonna wanna put those on." Lincoln: "Thanks, but I'm all set-" [Opens the door and the cold wind blows right in his face.] Border Guard: "Don't worry, you're gonna love it here." [Lincoln tries to enter, putting the snowsuit on, and gets frozen in a block of ice on the first few meters inside and slides down the hill. The border guard comes up to him, literally breaks the ice, and starts singing a welcome song.]
Welcome to Canada ♫ It's a treat this time of year ♫ ♫ So go on, mount your moose for your commute ♫ ♫ That's how we get around 'round here ♫ Try the ketchup chips. Just costs a loonie! Don't resist. ♫ The Chinook winds are very ♫ ♫ Very extraordinary-nary ♫
♫ So if you love ♫ ♫ Mounties, gravy, bags of milk ♫ ♫ A minus 50 morning chill ♫ ♫ We've got it, boys ♫ ♫ So come and seize the day ♫ ♫ Go and break the ice ♫ ♫ And make a life north of the USA ♫
♫ Welcome to Canada ♫ ♫ You're in Canada ♫ ♫ The hottest day is ten below ♫ ♫ Your snot will freeze, don't blow your nose ♫ ♫ In Canada (Canada) ♫ ♫ You're in Canada ♫ ♫ Come try the best poutine around ♫ ♫ Watch hockey pucks grow from the ground ♫ ♫ We've got the most maple syrup per capita ♫ ♫ Welcome to Canada ♫
♫ Skate up to Saskatchewan ♫ ♫ You'll never see the sun ♫ ♫ The beavers and the lumberjacks ♫ ♫ Both look the same to everyone ♫ ♫ I think we've got a baseball team ♫ ♫ But no one really knows ♫ ♫ It's impossible to tell ♫ ♫ Under the 20 feet of snow ♫ ♫ The 30 feet of snow ♫ ♫ The 40 feet, the 50 feet ♫ ♫ Oh no, oh no, oh no ♫
[The song ends, and Lincoln ends up right in front of his new school. Inside, the principal gives him a tour.] Principal Marshall: "Well, Lincoln, I think you'll be very happy here at Mapleton." [Suddenly, Lincoln ducks a flying hockey puck.] "Eh, you'll get used to that. Anyway, did Principal Ramirez ever tell you about the time she saved my life? There I was, choking on a beavertail." Hockey Player:[Skates around them] "Eh, Principal Marshall, is it cool if we use the rink after school? Gotta get in extra practice before the big game, eh." Principal Marshall:[Slightly uneasy] "Yes, of course. The big game. How could I forget the big game? It's all anyone can think about." [Fake smile] Hockey Player: "Sweet! Thanks. Mapleton rules!" [Skates off] Lincoln: "So, I take it hockey's pretty big here?" [Suddenly, they both duck under numerous slap shots.] Principal Marshall: "You could say that."
[At the bus stop in Royal Woods, Stella, Liam, Zach, Rusty and Clyde miss Lincoln.] Liam: "Y'all I'm just gonna say it; with Lincoln gone we need a new man…" [realizes they still have Stella, who shoots him a dirty look.] "Or woman with a plan. Who's it gonna be?" Zach: "It should be me, check out this sick temp tatt I just got." [Shows a large alien tattoo on his stomach. He makes it talk.] "Zach rules. Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah." Rusty: "Tatts are lame, it should be me, I've got the sweetest moves." [Rusty starts beatboxing and dancing. He and Zach get into an awkward dance off.] Zach: "♫ I'm the coolest. Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. I'm the coolest. Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. ♫" [While they're dancing, the bus arrives and leaves with the others. Once they notice, they start running after it.] "Stop!" Rusty: "Wait!"
[Back at the Loud house, Lynn Sr. falls down the chimney.] Lynn Sr.:[Coughs up soot, and notices something.] "Hey, wait. How did you get in here?" Rita:[Laying on the couch] "Turns out, the dining room window was open." [They lay exhausted on the couch and Lily happily walks by playing ball with Charles.] "I don't remember potty training being so hard with the other kids." Lynn Sr.: "Me neither, I'm running out of ideas here." [Lily is sitting next to an electronic device, and starts chewing the note that reads 'DON'T TOUCH!! -LISA'. Lynn Sr. gets an idea.] "Wait a minute, Lisa! That little genius potty trained herself like… an hour. Maybe she can help us." [The parents grab Lily and drive to the elementary school. Lynn Sr. runs past Cheryl in the office.] "Need to borrow my little genius for a while." [Goes and gets her.] "Thanks, Cheryl." Cheryl: "But what about her lessons?" [Lynn Sr. holds Lisa in the office doorway.] Lisa: "I think I'll survive if I miss playing with paste."
[At Baby Bunker, Leni is sitting with the toddlers.] Dr. Shuttleworth:[Holding up an animal book, showing a picture of a duck.] "And what does this animal do?" [Leni starts quacking and flapping her arms. The kids love it. Later, it's playtime, the kids wheel shopping carts around.] Leni: "OMGosh. This must be shop class! You actually shop!" [Picks up some toys.] "I'm so getting an A." [Later, it's nap time. Leni sleeps with the kids.] Dr. Shuttleworth:[to another assistant, regarding Leni] "That new volunteer is delightful. She really relates to the children on their level." [Leni starts sucking her thumb.]
[Back at Fairway, Lori is video calling Bobby again.] Bobby: "Babe, how's the caddy floor?" Lori: "So far so good, it's so nice to finally be able to relax." [Suddenly, Lori gets startled when there's a girl standing right next to her.] Maddie: "Hi, I'm Maddie, your personal caddy. Now let me see here." [Takes a pillow out of her golf bag and puts it on Lori's back.] "Yeah, that's a much better angle." [Throws Lori's teddy bear out the window and takes out another one.] "Now, I'd go this teddy bear. Now relax, as I continue to study your every move." [Maddie stares at Lori, which makes her a little uncomfortable.]
[Up in Canada, Lincoln is being introduced to his new class.] Ms. Borutski: "Class, I want you to meet our new student, Lincoln Loud." [The students openly welcome Lincoln.] "You're just in time for our math lesson." Lincoln: "Cool, I'll get out my notebook." Mrs. Borutski:[Tosses it away] "Oh, no need for that. Okay everyone, suit up." [The students move their desks to the side and set up a hockey net.] "Here Lincoln, you tend goal." [Puts a mask on Lincoln and shoves him to the net.] Lincoln: "Um, I don't really know how to play." Ms. Borutski:[Blows the whistle] "Okay kids, if Sadie hits a hundred-and-sixty gram puck with forty-two pounds of force, how much time does Lincoln have to raise his glove to block the goal?" Sadie:[Headed for the goal.] "Two microseconds." [Slap shoots the puck, which knocks Lincoln over.] Ms. Borutski: "Correct Sadie, and nice slap shot. Way to nail the biscuit." [Lincoln sits up, dizzy. Later, he enters the cafeteria with his tray but finds the room empty.] Lincoln: "Wait, where is everyone?" [A boy walks behind Lincoln with a fishing pole.] Canadian Boy: "Why eat cafeteria food? When you can have fresh Yukon spite for lunch." [Outside, the students are all ice fishing. The boy gives Lincoln a pole.] "Here, give it a shot, and welcome to Canada, eh." [Lincoln's a little confused by this. But he tries ice fishing. He gets a bite, but it pulls him into the hole. A giant fish comes out of the hole and Lincoln pries its mouth open, from the inside.] Lincoln: "I'm starting..." [Gets pulled back in, and comes back out with a beaver spanking him.] "...to miss..." [Goes back in, and comes out with a goose strangling him.] "...Bolhofner!" [Goes back in.]
Act IV[]
[Back at Royal Woods Middle School.] Rusty:[To Zach] "How about this, Dawg? Whoever can do the most pushups is the new Man with the Plizzan." Zach:[Through his tattoo] "Challenge accepted." [They try to do pushups.] Stella: "Here they go, again." [She, Liam, and Clyde walk away, as Rusty and Zach each struggle to do one pushup. Suddenly, a shadow covers them.] Lynn: "You two chumps got hall passes?" [Pops her gum. Next thing they know, Rusty and Zach get thrown into a locker.] "Maybe now you'll think twice before breaking hallway rules." [Continues chewing her gum.]
[Back at the Loud house.] Lisa: "And now, may I present… Mr. Potty Bot." [Lynn Sr. and Rita are impressed.] "By following Lily and tracking her body heat, Mr. Potty Bot, will know exactly when Lily has to go and will zip her to the lavatory to do her business." Mr. Potty Bot: "Mr. Potty Bot reporting for duty." [picks up Lynn Sr.] Lynn Sr.: "Hey, he is good, I do have to go."
[Later, Lincoln is on the phone with Clyde.] Lincoln: "Of course I remember our game night, buddy. Don't worry, I'll be there." [Hangs up and continues on the moose bus. He tries kicking to make the moose go faster. They get to a crosswalk and then stop for a flock of geese to pass by.] "A goose jam?" [Checks his phone] "Estimated delay: thirty minutes?" [Groans. Later, they are traveling through heavy snow, through hills, and then up to a detour sign.] "Ah, now what?" Female Mountie: "Sorry, we got a bit of a sticky situation." [Points over] "Maple syrup cart hit a pancake truck and well, that's what you call a delicious detour." [Laughs at her own joke.]
[Lincoln returns to the Loud House at night and collapses from exhaustion.] Lynn Sr.: "Sorry you missed game night with your friends, kiddo. But Clyde did drop you off a pear tart." Lincoln:[eats the tart, but spits it out.] "Salty. I can tell he was crying baking this. I don't know what to do, Dad. I miss my friends so much, and this whole Canadian school thing-" [He sees Lynn Sr. has fallen asleep.] Lynn Sr.:[wakes up] "Huh? Oh, what? Sorry, son. Must have nodded off there. Ever since Lily got kicked out of preschool, your mother and I have been running ourselves ragged..." Lincoln: "Kicked out? Whoa. Now there's an idea. The Man with the Plan is back!"
[Back in Mapleton Middle School, Lincoln vandalizes a portrait of the principal and notices said principal is watching him.] Lincoln: "Uh-oh. I suppose you're gonna kick me out of school for this, huh?" Principal Marshall: "Kick you out? No way! My wife told me I couldn't pull off bushy brows, but you have proof I can!" [Lincoln sighs as the principal carries off the vandalized portrait. In class, Lincoln throws snowballs at the window.] Ms. Borutski: "Snowball fight? It's on!" [All of her students open the windows and pelt Lincoln with their own snowballs.] "Don't forget to calculate the maximum amount of your snowballs!" [Later, Lincoln rides a moose in the halls, much to the principal and Ms. Borutski's shock. Cut to students and faculty watching a moose race in the hockey rink.] Principal Marshall: "Indoor moose racing? Great idea, Lincoln!" [He, the students, and the faculty cheer on the moose.]
[At the Loud House, Lily is eating peanut butter when she's watched by Mr. Potty Bot.] Mr. Potty Bot: "Lily requires potty." Lily: "No thank you." [she climbs up the stairs and throws the peanut butter at Mr. Potty Bot.] Mr. Potty Bot: "Danger. Danger." [Mr. Potty Bot crashes. Next, Lily is walking down the hall when Mr. Potty Bot emerges from a room. She crawls over Geo's hamster ball and kicks it at the bot, causing it to crash down the stairs. Rita and Lynn Sr. rush to the bot.] Lynn Sr.: "Mr. Potty, please!" Mr. Potty Bot:[malfunctioning] "Major systems shutting down. D-d-dar-darkening." [shuts down. Cut to outside the Loud House.] Lynn Sr.: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" [His scream of anguish causes a murder of crows to fly out of the trees.]
[At Fairway, Lori and Bobby go to another floor.] Lori: "Bobby, this floor has to work out. This is one of the last available rooms on campus!" Bobby: "Well, what could go wrong on the Sand Trap floor, babe?" [Lori opens a closet and sand pours out.] Lori: "Boo-Boo Bear, this is a nightmare. I was so excited to come to Fairway but I'm starting to think I don't belong..." Bobby: "Uh, babe. Not to interrupt, but..." [The room is still filling with sand. The lovers quickly take whatever air they have left, and soon slide right out the door.] "Uh, babe?" Lori:[Throws a hissy fit, upside down.] "I can't take this anymore!" [starts to cry]
[Back in Canada, Lincoln puts a book in his locker, takes out his phone, and looks at a photo of himself and his five best friends. He sighs, missing them, closes his locker and sadly walks down the hall. Suddenly, he's almost hit by a flying hockey puck. He looks at the gym and notices the banner advertising the big game.] Lincoln: "Wait, that's perfect." [Suddenly, he takes a hockey puck to the gut.] Hockey Player: "Sorry, eh." [Lincoln groans in pain. Later he's in the janitor's closet and makes a phone call.] Clyde: "Hey Buddy!" Lincoln: "Clyde, I got the whole gang on with me. Say hi guys." [The others exchange greetings.] Clyde: "Uh, Lincoln, we're all in Home Ec together." [The five of them are all together.] Lincoln: "Oh, yeah. Well, I need you to come to Canada. My school has a huge hockey game against their rivals, and we gotta make sure that game never happens, if we can pull this off I'll get kicked out of here and be home in no time." [Suddenly, the smoke alarm goes off in Home Ec followed by the sprinklers. The gang groans.] Clyde: "Who was watching the timer?" Rusty: "Lincoln is usually the timer man." Clyde:[Having had enough] "That does it! We're coming, Lincoln!"
[Back at the Loud house, Lynn Sr. and Rita have fallen asleep, and Lily is trying to escape her father's grasp.] Lily: "Let... Lily... go!" Lynn Sr.:[snoring] "Cowbell..." [Lily notices Walt and whistles to get his attention. She takes her Dad's phone out of his pocket and throws it at Walt's cage, opening it. Walt flies out and gets Lily free from her dad. He drops her off on the stairs, she climbs, and Walt returns to his cage. A flushing sound wakes Rita up. She walks up to the bathroom and gasps at what she sees. Lily does her pants up, not seeing her mom.] Lily: "Lily stay home forever." [Rita thinks about this.]
[Lincoln's friends are at the Royal Woods Ferry.] Stella: "Hey, we made it to the ferry. Maybe we're not as hopeless as we think." Rusty: "So, who's got the tickets?" [Nobody answers] "No one bought tickets!" Clyde: "Sounds like a Lincoln job." [Everyone groans and Liam drops his bag.] Liam:[Takes his shirt off] "Well, looks like we're swimming across this here river." Stella: "But the water is freezing." Liam:[Takes a jar of butter out of his bag.] "Then we best get to latherin'." [Starts rubbing butter on his arm.] "Nothin' like farm-fresh butter to trap the heat." [Continues to rub butter all over himself, which his friends find disturbing.]
[Back at the Loud house, Lily is happily bouncing on the couch when her parents approach.] Rita: "Lily, sweetie, we need to talk." Lily: "Uh-oh." Lynn Sr.: "We know you're potty trained." Lily: "What? Uh, no, no, no, no! Look." [She tries to soil herself again, but can't.] Rita: "Lily, it's okay, we know that preschool is a big change, so Mommy and Daddy decided, you can stay. It's fine if you're not ready to leave home." Lily: "Yay! Lily stay home forever!" [As Lily starts bouncing again, a very teary Lori returns home.] Lori: "Mom, Dad, I'm not ready to leave home." [hugs her parents, crying.] Lynn Sr.: "What is happening?"
[Up in Canada, Clyde, Zach, Stella, Liam and Rusty are riding a moose taxi, and are very cold.] Rusty: "I knew we should have sprung for the moose with a bigger caboose." [Slaps their moose's caboose, which offends the moose a little.] Zach: "Are we there yet?" Stella: "Let me check the GPS." [She takes it out, and it's frozen in ice.] "I think it's frozen." Zach: "Just give it a good whack." [Takes it and smacks it against the moose's antlers, which breaks the ice and the GPS inside.] Stella: "Sweet, now we don't have a map." Clyde:[Sees something up ahead.] "Um, guys, that might be the least of our problems." [Points ahead. Everyone looks and sees a shadowy figure approaching them, moaning.] Zach: "A yeti! Stand back everyone, I'm highly trained in cryptic combat." [Starts firing snowballs at the figure, who takes his hood off revealing himself to be their long lost friend.] Clyde: "Lincoln! You came for us!" [Runs up and hugs Lincoln.] Lincoln: "Yeah, I was worried, you guys should have been here hours ago. What happened?" Rusty: "Don't ask. Liam, you got any more of that butter? I'm freezing my 'stache off." [The hair in Rusty's upper lip actually does freeze off. Rusty cries in despair.] "NOOOOOO!" Clyde: "As you can see, we're falling apart without you buddy." Lincoln: "Ditto, time to put Operation Stop The Hockey Game and Get Kicked Out of School So that I Can Finally End This Frozen Nightmare and Also Think of a Shorter Name for This Operation…" [Takes a breath] "into action."
Act V[]
[At the Mapleton ice rink, Lincoln slides a box out in front of his friends. Clyde opens it.] Clyde: "Hairdryers?" Lincoln: "You can't play hockey without ice." [Lincoln melts his initials into the rink. His friends get the idea and each grabs a dryer. They start sliding around the ice, melting it, and having a lot of fun doing so.] Rusty:[Chasing a beaver who has his dryer.] "Get back here with that!" [Rusty slides out of the rink and into some equipment. The friends continue to melt the ice and eventually get the last of it. Principal Marshall arrives.] Principal Marshall: "Well, bust my flannels! What's going on here, eh?" Lincoln: "Oh-no! Principal Marshall! We're so busted!" Principal Marshall: "Do you realize what you've done?" Lincoln: "Sorry, Principal Marshall, I guess I'm a born troublemaker, I just can't help myself, anyway, I'm sure this means I'm kicked out, so I'll just go grab my belongings." Principal Marshall: "No! You actually saved me!" Lincoln:[Throws down the dryer in frustration.] "Seriously?" Principal Marshall: "I was actually coming down here to melt the ice myself. But you could have just turned on the heater." [Does so] "But, uh, hairdryers work, too. Between us, I've got no interest in playing this hockey game. The coach of our rival school is… my big brother Gordie, and every year, win, lose, or draw, he gives me an enormous post-game wedgie!" Lincoln: "But, Principal Marshall---" Principal Marshall: "Don't worry your little toques, I'll take full responsibility for this kerfuffle. Now you should all header, that's Canadian for skedaddle. I'll tell everyone the games off." [Leaves to do that and Lincoln sighs.]
[That evening at the Loud house, Lori is sitting in the dark dining room, eating pancakes.] Lori: "Maybe, I could commute to Fairway. Three hours each way isn't so bad, right?" [Gives Charles a bite of her pancakes. Just then Lincoln and his friends enter, struggling to carry Rusty, who's frozen in a block of ice. They all sit by the fire, they don't notice Lori.] Stella:[Sits on the ottoman] "Our Canadian goose is cooked." Clyde: "We can't give up guys. Who's got another plan?" Zach: "I know! Lincoln, we could change your name and dye your hair, my parents have done that like seven times." Liam: "Or we hide you in my chicken coop, we just laid down fresh hay." Lincoln:[Sighs] "Look, guys, we tried everything, maybe it's time we just accept it, we're not going to be together for middle school." Clyde: "But buddy, how are we gonna survive?" Lincoln: "We're just gonna have to, you'll get used to me not being around every day." [Lori is listening in.] "And I'll try to adjust to Canada, we'll take it day by day, eh. See, I'm getting used to it already." [Lincoln's friends leave. Clyde stops in front of Lincoln and they hug one more time.] Clyde: "Stay safe up there in the great white north." [Clyde leaves, and Lori walks up to Lincoln, with her backpack.] Lincoln: "And Lori don't worry, you'll..." [Realizes] "Wait, Lori? What are you doing home?" Lori: "I was actually just leaving. You helped me figure some stuff out. I mean, if you can make it work in another country, I can make it work at Fairway." [Hugs her brother on the way out.] "Thanks, Linc." [She leaves and Lincoln smiles.]
[In Canada, Lincoln walks into a cafe, his scarf blocking his mouth.] Waitress: "You need an assist there, fella?" [Undoes Lincoln's scarf, he gets dizzy from the spinning. She escorts him to a booth, where he gasps in delight to see his best friends waiting.] Lincoln: "What are you guys doing here?" Stella: "Well, we thought about what you said and you're right, we'll make this work." Clyde: "Starting with our very first international breakfast swap." Lincoln:[Touched] "Awe, thanks, guys." [Joins them] "You're the best." Liam: "I got butter. What do you all got?" [The waitress places stacks of pancakes on their table.] Waitress: "Firing up the maple syrup hose." Lincoln: "Actually, no syrup for me today please, I'm a little syruped out." [The waitress gasps, followed by gradually everyone else in the cafe, and the moose outside. The gang has no idea what's going on.] Rusty: "Why is everyone staring at us? Is my fly down?"
[At the border.] Border Guard: "Lincoln Loud, in accordance with the Royal Canadian Maple Syrup Code, you are hereby booted from Canada." [stamps BANNED on Lincoln's passport and returns it to Lincoln] "Sorry about that." [Closes the booth.] Clyde:[Gasps] "Three years? That's all of middle school." Lincoln: "Guys, I'm comin' home!" [The friends cheer as they return to the ferry.]
[Back at the Loud House.] Lincoln: "Wear lucky underwear. Check. Wear new jeans. Check. Put on best polo. Check." [Turns to viewers] "What a difference a week makes, eh?" [He opens his door to reveal the exact same chaos from the first day of school. Luan and Charles are fighting over Mr. Coconuts, Lola's princess car is going haywire, Luna is rocking out, Lucy is dragging a coffin into her and Lynn's room, Lisa is using a barrier and a laser to fend off Tentacle before it grabs her and drags her into her and Lily's room, and Lana has crashed from the attic.] "Well, maybe not that much of a difference." [As Lincoln leaves his room, Luan and Lola wait for the bathroom.] Luan:[In unison, and trying to hold her bladder] "Let me in! Let me in! This isn't funny." Lola:[In unison] "Leni, hurry up in there." [Leni exits the bathroom with Lily, and Lola and Luan quickly get into a scuffle over who gets to use the bathroom.] Leni: "I can't believe I have to go back to high school." [shows Lily pictures of herself at preschool on her phone] "Preschool had finger-painting, naps, a trampoline..." Lily:[Gasps at what she was missing.] "Finger-painting? Trampoline?" Leni: "It was, like, so bouncy..." [sighs] "I really loved that place..." [Lily frantically packs a book and a teddy bear in her backpack and rushes down the stairs.] Lily: "Lily go school! Lily go school!" Lynn Sr.: "I don't know how that happened, but I'll take it." Rita: "Me, too." [Both parents hug.] Lynn Sr.: "Ah, we finally got the house-" [Vanzilla's horn is heard.] "But she's got the car keys!" [Rita gasps and they make a run for it.]
[Back at Fairway, Bobby is helping Lori again.] Bobby: "I'm so proud of you for deciding to come back, Babe." Lori: "Thanks Boo-Boo Bear, and I got a really good feeling about this floor. Whatever it might be." [The elevator stops, opens, and floods. The lovers read the sign.] Bobby: "Ah! The water hazard floor? Let's go check out another one." [An alligator swims past them.] Lori:[Squeals, but sucks it up] "No, that's okay, I'm gonna make it work." [Plugs her nose and jumps in.]
[At Baby Bunker, Lynn Sr. and Rita are in Vanzilla, and Lily is on the trampoline.] Lynn Sr.: "Well, that's the last Loud out of the house." [Starts to crack] "It's the end of an era." [Sniffles, and joins Rita waving.] Rita: "Yup, our kids are growing up." [Lily waves back on the trampoline and is followed by someone else.] Lynn Sr. and Rita: "Leni?!" Leni: "I promise I'm going to big girl school today. Just five more bounces!" [keeps bouncing on the trampoline.]
[At the middle school, the bell goes off. Lincoln is in the cafeteria with his friends.] Lincoln: "Alright, I'll give up my pancakes, if someone has bacon." Liam:[Offscreen] "We'll take that trade." [Liam is standing by the window with a moose holding a bucket full of Canadian bacon.] "What, I'm giving him a good home." [Liam's friends can't help but laugh at this.] Lincoln: "Well, I'm off to the Hof." [Get up to go, but not before Clyde hugs him.] Clyde: "I never thought I'd be so happy to see you go to Bolhofner's class." [the others join in on the hug.] Stella: "So good to have you back." Rusty: "Bring it in, guys." Liam: "For sure." [They hug, and Rusty notices something.] Rusty: "Uh, guys, some upperclassmen are starting to stare." Lincoln: "Let 'em." [The friends continue their hug.]
[In the halls, Principal Ramirez is keeping an eye on everybody.] Principal Ramirez: "Come on, hurry on to class now, don't let me catch you tardy." Lynn:[Pops out of a locker.] "Hall pass please." Principal Ramirez:[Looks for one] "But, I, uh." [Realizes something] "Wait, I'm the principal." Lynn: "Then you should know better than anyone that you need a hall pass." [Slaps a slip on the principal's face and goes back into the locker. Principal Ramirez, mad, opens the locker to have a word with Lynn, but she's gone, the principal is confused.]
[Mr. Bolhofner's room. The students are still suffering from the heat when Lincoln returns.] Lincoln: "Hello, you beautiful classroom! Hank, how's my favorite class pet?" [Hank blushes at the comment.] "Chandler, good to see ya, my man!" [Offers a high five, Chandler ignores it, so Lincoln high fives himself.] "Missed each and every one of you! You the most, Mr. B." Mr. Bolhofner: "How lovely for us. Now zip it!" Lincoln: "Absolutely. But, uh, Mr. Bolhofner, sir? Is there any way you can turn down the temp in here? I got kinda used to the cold." [The students all gasp at Lincoln's suggestion.] Mr. Bolhofner:[breaks his chalk, red in the face] "Turn down the temp?" [Looks over to the thermostat, which goes from ninety-five to eighty-two.] "Eh, I don't care. No one's ever asked." [The students are amazed and all cheer for Lincoln, except Chandler.] Chandler: "Oh, big whoop! So what? You're still the same old Lincoln Lame!" [Kicks his seat once more.] Liam:[Outside] "Ellie Mae, you get back here now!" [Ellie Mae, the moose Liam had adopted, breaks the door and growls at Chandler. Chandler tries to make a run for it, but Ellie Mae grabs Chandler, drags him outside, and beats him up] Lincoln:[To the viewers] "You know what? I think I'm gonna like middle school."
