The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[It's a snowy day at the Loud House. Lincoln collapses on his bed.] Lincoln:[to the viewers] "It's the most wonderful time of the year, and I'm not talking about Lana's annual earwax removal." [jumps down from his bed, revealing Christmas decorations] "I'm talking about Christmas at the Loud House, and our annual family gift swap!" [cut to flashback of a past family gift swap] "Every Christmas, we each randomly draw a name from a hat, and only buy a present for that one family member." [back to the present] "Now here's where it gets tricky for me, because this year, I want one gift more than anything else in the world." [He takes out his phone and shows a Rip Hardcore commercial.] Announcer: "It's the new Rip Hardcore backpack! Get yours now, because the wildest jungle of them all is school!" Lincoln:[puts his phone away] "If I want that backpack, I need to make sure that my name ends up in the right hands." [props open his bed to reveal a chart] "Now there are certain sisters that you definitely do not want as your gift-giver." [Flashback to Lisa giving him a long stack of papers.] Lisa: "It's pi worked out to the five-millionth decimal. It would've been six, but, you know... last-minute gift." [Second flashback to Lucy giving him an empty box.] Lucy: "It's a void of nothingness. Just like the universe." [Back to the present] Lincoln: "The best sister to have as your gift-giver is... Lily. Now, it might seen strange to want a toddler to pick you at a gift swap, but because she's so young, Lily can't do her own shopping. So what you're actually getting is a present from Mom and Dad." [Flashback to Leni getting a gift from Lily.] Leni: "OMGosh. This is the pleated a-line skirt that I've been wanting forever! Thanks, Lily." [Lily babbles and giggles. Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other and wink, having secretly bought the skirt. Back to the present] Lincoln: "So how can I make sure that Lily picks my name in the gift swap? Would the Man with the Plan not have a plan for that?" [He writes his name on a slip, then grabs a piece of tape] "Oldest picks first and youngest picks last." [tapes his name to the bottom of a Santa hat] "So with my name taped to the very bottom of the hat, I'm definitely gonna get picked by Lily." [zooms away]
[The Louds (barring Lori) are gathered in the living room.] Rita: "Since Lori's not back from school until Christmas Eve, I'll pick for her." [Rita picks a name from the Santa hat, then hands it over to Leni and Luna, who pick other names.] Leni: "Ooh, Lynn." [Lynn looks at her, Leni realizes] "Oh, right. Secret. Ooh, not Lynn." [Leni hands the hat over to Lynn and Lincoln, who pick names. Lucy pops up, scares Lynn, and picks another name. Lola gasps in joy when she gets a name, Lana is disappointed at the name she picked, and Lisa simply squeals.] Rita:[takes the hat] "One card left. Good luck, Lily." [Lily removes Lincoln's name from the tape and babbles happily.] Lincoln: "Yes!" Rita: "Big news. I have an announcement, everyone." [puts the hat on Lily] "Since Lily is such a big girl now, this year she is going to be giving her very own gift." Lily: "Lily is Santa Claus!" [the hat falls over her eyes] Rita: "So whoever's name is on her card is getting something very special." Lynn Sr.: "And, spoiler alert." [takes out a finger-painted shirt] "It's probably gonna be finger-painted." [Lincoln groans, gets inside Vanzilla, and throws a fit while screaming.]
[Back in Lincoln's room.] Lincoln:[to the viewers] "Sorry you had to see that. OK, I can deal with this." [rearranges the chart] "There's a simple solution: The Gift Swap-Swap. All I need to do is get my name card out of Lily's adorable little hands and into the hands of the next best sister, which is... Leni. She's sweet, thoughtful, and best of all, easy to convince. Time for Step 1."
[At night, Lincoln sneaks into Lisa and Lily's room and tries to remove his name from Lily's toys.] Lily:[wakes up] "Lincoln?" Lincoln:[shushes her] "♫ Hush, little Lily, don't say a word. Leni's gonna buy me a Rip Hardcore backpack. ♫" [Lily falls asleep.] "Phew." [gets out of Lily's room. To the viewers] "And now for Step 2." [He sneaks into Leni's room.] Leni:[sleep-talking] "OMG." [He prepares to take Lynn's name from Leni's desk, but Lynn tackles him out of nowhere.] Lynn: "Not happening, Stinkin'. It's my name on Leni's card, so if you even think about trying to pull a swap, you're going down." Lincoln: "I already am down." Leni:[wakes up] "What?" [goes back to sleep] Lynn: "There's always downer, so keep it moving!" [Lincoln taps out, leaves the room, gets back inside Vanzilla, and throws another fit while screaming.]
[Back in Lincoln's room.] Lincoln:[to the viewers] "OK, so that didn't quite work out as planned. But I'm not giving up. I've still got Lori. Even though she's away at school, she's a pretty good gift-giver too. But I can't just call her up and ask her to swap with Lily. I need to be smart about this."
[Lori's dorm. Her phone rings with a call ostensibly from Rita. She picks up and Lincoln, disguised as Rita, is on the other line.] Lincoln:[imitating Rita] "Hi, honey. This is your mother Rita, also known to you as Mom." Lori: "Hey, Mom." Lincoln: "How is my eldest daughter doing?" Lori: "I'm just super busy studying for finals." Lincoln: "I don't want to bother you, but there was a teeny-tiny mix-up with the gift swap. Long story short, you're buying a present for Lincoln." Lori: "Yeah. That's totally fine." Lincoln: "Yes! I mean, that's delightful." Lori: "The thing is, I'm so slammed with finals that it doesn't matter whose name I have. They're getting a Fairway mug." Lincoln: "Oh, really? Because I'm sure it would be so easy to go online and buy Lincoln a Rip Hardcore backpack. They're ten percent off with the promo code HARDCORE." Lori: "Sorry, Mom. It's a mug or nothing. Gotta go. Wow, Mom, you look really great. Your skin looks so young and glowy."
[Back in Lincoln's room.] Lincoln:[to the viewers] "OK. All isn't lost quite yet. I'll just move on to the next best option: Luan. Gifts-giving is about the only thing she takes seriously." [He takes a background of Fairway and a wig of Lori. At Luan's room, her phone rings, and Lincoln is on the other end disguised as Lori while standing in front of the Fairway background.] Luan: "Hey, Lori. How's golf college? Are you having a ball?" Lincoln:[imitating Lori] "That's literally the funniest thing I've ever heard, Luan. Anyway, I literally only have a second, but I need you to switch with me and take Lincoln in the gift swap." Luan: "He's been going on and on about this stupid Rip Hardcore backpack. I'll just get him that." Lincoln:[as himself] "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" [celebrates] Mr. Coconuts: "Not so fast, toots." Lincoln:[imitating Lori] "Oh, hey, Mr. Coconuts. Literally." Mr. Coconuts: "I'm sick and tired of you always picking out the holiday gifts. Puppets like to shop too, you know!" Lincoln: "You could always start next year!" Mr. Coconuts: "Not a chance! I'm taking over now! Hope Linc likes fake dog poop!" [hangs up] Lincoln:[to the viewers] "I'm sorry. I don't have time to go to Vanzilla." [opens his window and screams. Mr. Grouse, who is setting up his decorations, ends up falling from Lincoln's racket.] Mr. Grouse: "Dang it, Loud!"
[Later, Lincoln is still working on his chart] Lincoln:[to the viewers] "OK, I undid everything. This didn't go exactly as planned, but after a little more research, I think I found the best possible sister to get me the backpack. And since being sneaky has gotten me nowhere, I'm just gonna take the direct approach this time." [removes his Lori wig and runs over to Luna, who is at the fridge, guzzling down chocolate milk as Lily works on her finger painting.] "So do we have a deal?" Luna: "Well, I do owe you for stepping in to play tambourine at our last gig. Sure, I'll totally swap with Lily and get you the backpack. Then Lily can give her finger painting to Leni, 'cause that's who I had. Cool with you, little sis?" Lily: "Cool with me." Lincoln: "Thanks, Luna." [leaves] [Lily splashes some paint on the walls, getting Luna's attention, and giggles as Luna sheepishly gives her a thumbs-up.]
[Christmas Eve. The sisters put their gifts underneath the tree.] Lynn Sr.:[offering cupcakes] "Merry Christmas Eve, everyone. Enjoy some holly jolly cauliflower cupcakes." Lola:[gags] "I think these are meant for Santa's reindeer." [Luna puts in a present shaped like the Rip Hardcore backpack. Lincoln gasps and calls Clyde, who's working on a gingerbread house.] Clyde: "Hey, Linc. Merry Christmas Eve." Lincoln: "Same to you, buddy. Hey. Guess who has two arms and a Rip Hardcore backpack to slip over them?" Clyde: "This guy!" [sprays himself with frosting] "I mean, you?" Lincoln: "Yep. Next time you see me, I'll be ready for whatever comes my way in the wildest jungle of them all." Clyde: "Everyone knows that means school. Hey, who did you buy a gift for?" [Lincoln checks his pocket for his slip. It turns out to have Lola's name.] Lincoln: "Oh no! I forgot!" [He peeks into the living room, sees Lola gag from her cupcake, and then looks at the clock, which reads 4:00] "Clyde, I gotta go!"
[Lincoln bikes his way to the mall, with a snowplower blowing snow in his face. He makes it just as a few customers leave.] Lincoln: "Yes! It's open! I've still got time!" [The lights go out, and the doors close.] Mall Announcer: "Attention shoppers. The Royal Woods Mall is now closed. I'm sure your loved ones will understand how badly you messed up. Merry Christmas!" [Lincoln bikes back home and imagines Lola's reaction.] Imaginary Lola: "What do you mean, you didn't get me anything?" [cries] Lincoln:[stops next to Burpin' Burger] "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." [goes in, there's a long line] "I can't believe Burpin' Burger is so crowded on Christmas Eve!" Cheryl: "Oh, hi there, little pork cracklin! Welcome to the Forgot to Do Your Christmas Shopping Club! Me and my sister Meryl weren't gonna do gifts this year, and wouldn't you know it? I heard through the grapevine she's crocheted me a car cover." [Later, once Cheryl has left the line...] Lincoln: "One Burpin' Burger gift card, please." Grant: "Sorry. We're sold out." Lincoln: "OK, then. How about a Burpin' Burger combo? I could put a bow on that." Grant: "Sorry. We just ran out of burgers, too. You could make a bow out of these wrappers, though." Lincoln: "How could you be sold-" [The restaurant closes. Lincoln leaves.] Chandler: "Psst. Hey, Lincoln Lame." Lincoln: "Chandler?" Chandler: "I might be able to help you out. I was just inside the restaurant eavesdropping on you." Lincoln: "That's a super creepy way to spend Christmas Eve." Chandler: "Look, do you want an amazing gift or not?" Lincoln: "Ugh. I'm listening." Chandler: "My dad works at the sewage plant. You wouldn't believe the things that people accidentally flush down the toilet." [opens his briefcase] Lincoln: "Beautiful. My sister would love that." Chandler: "I'm sure she would. But first, we need to discuss payment." Lincoln: "I'll give you all the money I have. 20 bucks?" Chandler: "You're gonna have to give me more than that. What else you got?" Lincoln:[sighs in defeat] "You win. Come with me."
[Later, they are outside the Loud House. Lincoln gives his Rip Hardcore backpack to Chandler.] Lincoln: "Here you go." Chandler: "Rip Hardcore backpack? Cool!" [gives Lincoln the briefcase] "Now I have two." [He reveals that the backpack doubles as a jetpack and laughs as he flies away. Lincoln sadly heads back inside. Lily, having watched her brother's sacrifice, whines in sympathy and leaves the window.]
[The next day at the Loud House, as Lincoln sits dejected, the sisters open their gifts. Lynn opens her gift from Leni, revealing a football and an indoor field goal.] Lynn: "Yes! An indoor field goal! I totally need one of these!" [punts the football right over Rita and Lily, breaking something.] Rita:[sarcastic] "Perfect. Thank you so much, Leni." Lynn Sr.: "Linc, why don't you open your gift next?" Lincoln: "Oh. Sorry. I sort of cheated and opened mine up last night." Rita: "Lincoln, do we need to start hiding the gifts?" Lincoln: "Thanks, Luna. It was exactly what I wanted. Lola, open your gift." Lola:[opens her gift, revealing them to be earrings] "Wow, Lincoln! These are the prettiest earrings ever! They're so gorgeous I don't even care they smell kind of funny." [hugs Lincoln] "They must have cost a fortune!" Lincoln:[hugs her back] "They were totally worth it." [The other sisters open their gifts. Luan gets Groucho Marx glasses, Lana gets mud, Lori gets a new phone as Leni and Lily gasp in reaction, and Lisa and Lucy each get spiders.] Lucy: "Ha ha." [Lily waddles up to Lincoln and gives him a rolled up paper. He opens it to reveal a finger painting of her giving him a Rip Hardcore backpack.] Lincoln:[gasps] "Amazing!" [smiles as tears well up in his eyes] "Thanks, Lily. I love it." Lily: "Merry Christmas, Lincoln." [The two siblings hug. Outside the Loud House, Chandler continues enjoying his jetpack, but crashes into the tree.]
