The following is a transcript for the episode "She's All Bat."
Script[]
The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount Skydance and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[The episode begins at the Royal Woods Cemetery. A séance with the Morticians' Club members is underway...] Lucy: "Spirits, we beseech thee... Make thy presence known." [Someone screams off-screen; the young morticians look to the source. The spirits have made their presence known.] "The spirits are on the move. Let's go." [They make their way to the source... they gasp, with Lucy letting out her literal gasp.] "Gasp." Dante: "Look, our familiars have found something from beyond the grave!" [One of the tombstones, orbited by Thorn and a Fangs, is shaking; Thorn flies into it and bites, letting the source - Principal Huggins - out.] Huggins: "Yowch! Shoo, shoo! Go on, get!" [Thorn and Fangs flies away.] Haiku: "Sigh. Why must they always be alive?" [Lucy steps forward. Huggins dusts himself off as the other morticians follow Lucy.] Huggins: "Oh, there you kids are." Lucy: "Hello there, Principal Huggins." Huggins: "I was sent here with a very important matter to discuss with your club." [He presents the...] Lucy: "School Clubs Act of 1874?" Huggins: "It states all clubs must have at least seven members." Morpheus: "How oddly specific." Huggins: "You need to have another member by tomorrow, or your club must disband." [The Morticians are in dismay.] Dante: "But no, this can't be!" Boris:[making puppy eyes] "This cannot be." Huggins: "Sorry, kids, but rules are rules. Good luck." [He leaves, with the crow following; he bites off-screen.] Huggins:[off-screen] "Aah!" Lucy: "Fear not, we'll just show everyone at school how great our club is. Then they'll be dying to join. Ha-ha, ha."
[At the Royal Woods Elementary gymnasium, the Morticians' Club present their manifesto on why people should join... Persephone is with Boris.] Persephone: "Join the Morticians' Club, and you, too, can do this." [Boris notices his cue; he shines a flashlight and cranks his head 360 degrees. This isn't met with positive reception from the once-curious kids watching, who all scamper away. Haiku is with Morpheus showing the latter's crow, Thorn.] Haiku: "Our club has its very own crow." [Thorn takes off, and goes mad cawing; everyone runs away. A boy opens his locker to see a "Join the Morticians' Club" ad, complete with spiders, and he runs away; Dante is saddened his ad didn't work. Then comes recess period...] Lucy: "Sigh. We asked everyone at school, and they said no." [the others look down in defeat] "'Twas the final nail in our coffin. The Morticians' Club is dead..." Dante: "Wait! There's one person we haven't asked." [We pan left to see a familiar set of cowlicked hair and crown, which only means one thing...] Lola: "It's Lola!" [She appears in an elegant introduction; she winks and launches into a carpet-strutting session. Her moves elegant, she is seen by everyone else in the cafeteria, with the other kids taking pictures of the pageant queen herself. Haiku gasps...] Haiku: "Lola's our last hope. Lucy, you have to go ask her to join." [Lucy is now stuck; she doesn't want her glittery, glamorous sister to join and ruin her fun and her club...] Lucy: "I, uh, never interrupt Lola while she's strutting. Family rule." [Dante snatches her food and swaps it out for a Morticians' Club poster] "Uh, no. Please." [She isn't heard as the others push her towards Lola's intro and whimpers as she closes in.] "Guys, you don't understand: she doesn't like funeral marches, she won't wear black... Trust me, she's not right for our club." Persephone: "This is the only way..." Lucy:[wanting to save the club she loves] "Fine." [She walks towards Lola's table.] Lola:[laughs] "Remember: I do private pageant coaching! My usual hourly rate applies." [sits down] Lucy: "Lola, I have to ask you something." [speaking quickly] "The Morticians' Club needs one more member, or we'll have to break up. Would you join? What, not interested? Well, thanks anyway." [She starts to leave...] Lola: "Wait!" [snatches poster; Lucy halts] "Believe it or not, there IS a heart under all this fabulousness. I have always considered it my personal mission to spread glitter and glamour..." [cakes the poster with glitter...] "...to every corner of this Earth. So yes, I'll join." Morticians: "Yay." Lucy:[glittered and unimpressed] "Yay."
[Back at the cemetery; a wolf is heard howling in the distance. Lucy has called another meeting, this time with the new mortician... Lola Loud.] Lucy: "I call this meeting to order." Haiku: "Psst, Lucy, shall we start with a few words from our new member?" [addressing Lola, who's standing right next to them] Lola: "Oh, I didn't prepare a speech." Lucy: "That's okay, Lola..." Lola:[zipping right into Lucy's spot, knocking her gloomy sister off-kilter] "JK, JK." [clears throat] "For as long as she can remember, Lola Loud has been a giver. It all started when..." [She gasps, having been interrupted by Lucy's skull gavel.] Lucy: "Well said. Thank you for your words." [She takes her spot where Lola was just now...] Lola: "Oh, hey... whoa!!" [...shoving her off-screen very much like what she did to her. She thuds off-screen.] Lucy: "Time to review old business. Dante, how are the club cloaks coming?" [Dante produces a dark grey club adorned with the club's logo, as Lola walks into frame. However, Lola, the family's other stickler for design, does not approve of the design.] Lola: "Blech!" [Dante glares at her] Lucy: "Perfect, any other old business?" Lola: "Um, yeah - this chill out here is getting 'old'..." ["old" is in air quotes] "...and my 'business'..." [addressing her butt] "...is freezing." Lucy: "We like the bone-chilling cold." Persephone: "Actually, it IS pretty chilly." [The wind blows; it is indeed chilly.] Morpheus: "She is right." Dante:[raising his hands] "I agree." Lola: "I say we go back to my place for some yummy rose hip tea." Boris: "Boris wants yummy tea..." Lucy: "Grumble."
[The club is now at the Loud House, specifically the twins' room. Lola has served up the tea on the table which usually housed her stuffed animals. Lucy bangs the gavel.] Lucy: "Now that we're settled, I'll demonstrate funeral makeup techniques. Any volunteers?" Boris:[raising his hand, doing puppy eyes again] "Me, me!" Lucy: "Okay, Boris."
[She produces the appropriate funeral makeup case; she opens the case, and Lola gasps, dropping the teacup and taking the rest of the tea with it. Clearly not her style.] Lola: "Sorry, it's just, um, why not add a hint of color for the afterlife, eh?" [produces her own pink makeup case] "May I?" [The other club members are in dismay.] Boris: "I suppose..." Morpheus: "But nothing too lively..."
[Lucy walks to her glamorous sister's bed, where her pet bat Fangs is.] Lucy: "This will be a total disaster..." [smiles lightly; she knows] [Lola is hard at work putting on the makeup for Boris. When she's satisfied, she zooms off and returns with a mirror, showing Boris the results... the pretty good results!] Lola: "Voilà!" Boris: "Gasp." [The other morticians are also in shock; it worked?!] Morticians but Boris and Lola: "Gasp." Boris: "It's still Boris... only better." [The other morticians are sold.] Morpheus: "Funeral glam me next!" Dante: "No, me!" [Lola smiles; she's ready, though Lucy isn't. Fangs looks worriedly towards her.] Lucy: "Grr."
[Later, at Tall Timbers Park, the morticians are trying to cast hypnotizing spells on frogs, though failing.] Lucy: "Patience, everyone. Keep chanting your hypnotic spells." [approaches Lola, who is doing a ribbon dance routine] "Lola, the spell doesn't include ribbons." Lola: "I'm just trying to liven it up." Lucy: "It doesn't need..." [Suddenly, the pond rumbles and a bunch of frogs burst out of it, clearly hypnotized by Lola. The other morticians are amazed; a bewildered Lucy leaves.] Dante: "Ooh, look at those frogs! Lola, can you teach us that? And do you have any black ribbons?" Lola: "Oh, sweetie, Lola Loud has everything." Lucy:[to Fangs] "I knew Lola would take over my club. That dumb School Clubs Act ruined everything. I wish Principal Huggins had never found it. Wait, that gives me an idea."
[Lynn and Lucy's room. Lucy diabolically laughs as she forges an amendment to the School Clubs Act.] Lisa:[off-screen] "Lucy, please! Your diabolical laughter is upsetting my unstable isotopes!" [Lucy quietly resumes her diabolical laughter.]
[The Morticians are back at the Royal Woods Cemetery.] Boris:[dressed in a fancy suit and wearing a wig] "Is the wig too much?" Lola: "Not at all." [It's revealed that she's glammed up the Morticians] "You bring goth glam to a whole new level." [Haiku drives by in Lola's car with a big grin] Morpheus: "Woo-hoo." [Principal Huggins approaches] Huggins: "Hey there, kids." Lucy:[feigning surprise] "Principal Huggins, such a surprise. What are you doing here?" Huggins: "I found this taped to my computer monitor." [procures the amendment] "Don't know how I missed it before. It's the "School Clubs Amendment of 1875". Cancels out the seven member rule. As you were then." [He leaves as the crows chase him off again.] Lucy: "Well, Lola, looks like you don't have to stay in the club anymore. Thank you for your service. Please accept this cloak as our parting gift." [hands Lola the Morticians' Club cloak] "Get home safe." Lola: "Oh. Um, okay. Well, I guess I'll be on my way." [gets in her car and drives off] Lucy: "All right. Any old business?" [bangs her gavel] Dante: "I want Lola to stay in the club. I've never felt so fabulous." Persephone: "She really mixed things up." Haiku: "I enjoyed her upbeat presence." Boris: "Boris, too." [Suddenly, honking is heard; Lola comes back] Lola: "Never left! I was hoping you'd want me to stay! I'm having SUCH fun, and I've got so many great ideas!! Three words: goth beauty pageants!" [Gasping; the morticians approve, except Lucy. Fangs flies into view as Lucy growls.] Lucy: "Grr. I have to get Lola out before she ruins my club, but how?" Huggins:[off-screen] "AAH!! SKY DEMONS!!" [He runs into view, the crows still chasing him full-tilt] "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" Lucy: "That's it. I'll scare her out. Ha-ha. Ha-ha." [Fangs growls at her]
[Back at the Loud house, the morticians and Lola are gathered in Lynn and Lucy's room as Lucy consults the spirits about Lola's pageant fortune, and future.] Lola:[impatient] "Ugh, you know, Lucy, I don't actually believe you can see my future in that cheap hunk of glass." Lucy: "Gasp. I see a pageant." [Lola gasps; this is clearly important.] Lola: "Is it Little Miss Sugar Beet?! Who wins? Tell me." [eye twitches] Lucy: "I see it now. You've just finished the talent portion." Lola:[wanting the answers] "Yeah? W...w...what else?" Lucy: "They're tabulating scores." [Lola begins to whimper nervously on the results] "And the winner is... Lindsey Sweetwater." Lola: "NOOOOOOO!!! WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT?!" Lucy: "Just another great perk of being in the Morticians Club: having your fortune told... Every. Week." [Lola groans; lost to Sweetwater again.] Haiku: "Good thing fortunes can be changed." [Lola perks up; how can she change her fortune?!] Lola: "They can...? How?" [Haiku procures an issue of Modern Enchantress.] Haiku: "I just read the new issue of Modern Enchantress. It has a stage fright spell that might come in handy on a certain Miss Sweetwater." Lola: "Tell me more, sweetie. I might just be Morticians Club material after all." [Lola and the other morticians leave, leaving a frustrated Lucy. Fangs flies in and squeaks; next plan?] Lucy: "Time to dial it up to scare level two."
[Lucy, Lola and the morticians are heading into the woods.] Lola: "Why are we even meeting out here anyway?" [Boris enters a cave.] Lucy: "It's just our weekly "spin" class." Lola: "Oh, good! I've been meaning to work on my glutes." [laughs as she enters the cave] Lucy: "Not that kind of spinning." [Inside the cave, Lucy turns on a lantern, revealing lots of spiders. Lola shrieks in fear and slithers onto Boris.] Lucy:[holding up a big one] "This is Debra. She likes to cuddle." Lola: "Gah! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!" [sprays perfume at Lucy] Boris: "Ah... ah-choo!" [His sneeze propels him and Lola out of the cave.] Lola:[gasps] "Boris, my 7-foot angel!" [kisses him on the forehead; he blushes] [Lucy exits the cave, frustrated this isn't working out.] Lucy:[growls] "No more kid stuff. Time for scare level... eleven."
[Oh, she's serious when she meant "scare level eleven"; back at the cemetery, the morticians are conducting another séance.] Lucy: "Ready, everyone? I have a feeling the ghosts will be very active this evening." [Lola gulps] "Spirits, give us a sign you are amongst us." [...nothing] "I said, give us a sign." [Inside a crypt, Fangs hears this call sign and turns on a radio with ghostly moans (clearly Lucy's voice recorded onto tape), which starts to play. Lola is terrified!] Lucy: "Our spirit must be in that crypt." [points to crypt as the ghostly moans continue to play] "I'll go inside and coax it out." Haiku: "I swear, if it's Principal Huggins again, I'm outta here." [Lucy enters the crypt...] Lucy: "Quick, Fangs. Costume me." [Fangs drops a tattered robe onto Lucy, disguising her. She takes out two more costume items to use. Outside, the crypt opens with green smoke coming out of it.] Lucy:[In disguise; raspy] "Lola Loud, I was once a young and beautiful pageant queen like youuuuuu. I must devour your youthful essence." [Runs for Lola. Now Lola is TERRIFIED beyond belief; she takes off running, her tail between her legs, before she trips on a protruding tree root. The "spirit" continues to pursue Lola... Suddenly, a crow notices this and dives down to rescue Lola. Lola screams as the spirit closes in, then the crow attacks it] "Shriek!" [The crow takes Lucy's costume off] Everyone else: "Gasp!" Lola: "Lucy?! Wait a minute. Were you trying to scare me?!" [The other dismayed morticians come into frame.] Lucy: "Sigh, yes. I wanted to make you quit the club." Lola: "Oh, okay, FINE. I'll leave, then." [Lola leaves.] Lucy: "Lola, wait. --" Haiku: "Wow, that was cold-blooded. But not in a good way." [Lucy is saddened.]
[Lucy groans as she walks into the front yard of the Loud household, where a saddened Lola is sitting on the steps with her trusty teddy, Mr. Sprinkles.] Lola: "Hmph!" [Lucy walks towards her pageant-loving sister, and is momentarily surprised by Mr. Sprinkles.] "Mr. Sprinkles, tell this person I never wish to speak to her again." Lucy: "Lola, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated you like that. It's just... I'm jealous of you." [Lola is intrigued; Lucy is jealous?] Lola: "Hmm?" Lucy: "You always steal the spotlight with your charm and talent. The Mortician's Club was the one place I could shine. So when you joined, I felt threatened. I know it's silly..." [Lola momentarily turns her back towards her spooky sister, but decides to hear her out.] Lola: "Not necessarily. Believe it or not, I feel the exact same way about Lisa. All that stinking genius and inventions to save humanity?" [gags] "Annoying!" Lucy: "So you forgive me?" Lola: "Mm-hmm." Lucy: "Hug." [They hug it out.] Lucy: "How about giving the club another funeral makeup demonstration? I'd be happy to be your corpse." Lola: "Sorry, I'm gonna pass. And resign my membership. Go shine on your own." [Just then, an explosion occurs off-screen. The culprit?] Lisa: "Oops, sorry!" [Lola growls at her brainiac sister] "I was just splitting atoms..." [Lucy and Lola laughs at Lisa's expense. The episode ends and the credits appear.]
