The following is a transcript for the episode "Sleuth or Consequences".
[Lincoln is all dressed up in a costume next to a poster of one of his favorite superheroes: Ace Savvy.]
Lincoln: [stoically to the viewers] "I'm Ace Savvy, the world's savviest crime fighter. A man of few words, and fewer emotions. Except for today." [dancing with excitement] "Because today is the day of the big Ace Savvy comic book convention! YEAH!" [stoically again] "And now to call my trusty sidekick." [breaks out walkie talkie] "One-Eyed Jack, this is Ace Savvy."
Clyde: [dressed in his costume] "This is One-Eyed Jack. Just putting the finishing touches on my costume. And when it's ready, I'll be keeping one eye out for crime." [pulls an eyepatch over his glasses and lets go, causing the impact to smack the lens of his glasses] "Ow!"
Lincoln: "Roger that. I'll meet you at 4:00 when it's time to..." [bursts out of room] "...deal out some justice!" [pulls out a deck of cards that spill all over the floor.] "Dang it."
[his sisters notice his costume and laugh at him.]
Lynn: "Get a load of this!"
Lori: "That is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen!"
Lola: "You aren't going out in public like that, are you?"
Lisa: "I might point out that you are well past the recommended age that this behavior is deemed acceptable."
[they laugh some more]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Harsh, right? But you know what? It doesn't even bother me. With 10 opinionated sisters, you gotta have a thick skin." [to his sisters] "Your insults are like the wind beneath my cape; they only lift me higher! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some guyliner to apply."
[more laughter from his sisters; as he enters the bathroom, water from the toilet gushes out.]
Lori: "Gross! Lincoln! You clogged the toilet again?"
[his sisters all glare at him.]
Lola: "I'm telling Dad!" [goes to do so]
Lincoln: "What makes you think I did it?"
Luan: "Maybe because you made more clogs than a Dutch shoe factory!" [laughs during rimshot]
[cut to a few flashbacks of Lincoln clogging the toilet; Flashback #1: Lincoln is scraping his gross dinner into the toilet.]
Lincoln: "So long, liverwurst loaf!" [flushes the toilet only for it to back up.]
Lola: [bursts in] "I'm telling Dad!"
[Flashback #2: Lincoln is holding an embarrassing sweater his mother made him.]
Lincoln: "Mom can't make me wear you if she can't find you." [flushes it down the toilet only for another clog to occur.]
Lola: [bursts in] "I'm telling Dad!"
[Flashback #3: Lincoln is pouring a bunch of CDs into the toilet.]
Lynn Sr.: [off-screen] "Has anyone seen my CDs? I gotta practice for karaoke tonight!"
[as Lynn Sr. practices his singing, Lincoln flushes them down the toilet only for the obvious to happen.]
Lola: [bursts in] "I'm telling Dad!"
Lincoln: "All true. But this time, it wasn't me. I swear!"
[Lola brings Lynn Sr. up and is holding a plunger.]
Lynn Sr.: "Well, there goes my Saturday."
Lana: [moves Lola aside and busts out an even heavier plunger known as Big Bertha.] "Forget that pitiful plunger, Dad. This is a class 5 clog. You're gonna need Big Bertha!"
Lynn Sr.: "Well, Mr. Flush-My-CDs-Down-The-Can, I assume this was your doing?"
Lincoln: "No, Dad! For real! It was not me!"
Lynn Sr.: "Well, somebody did it! Toilets don't just clog themselves! Until one of you fesses up, everyone's grounded!"
[the sisters complain about this unjust decision.]
Lincoln: "But Dad, I can't be grounded! The convention's in a few hours and I gotta get my Ace Savvy comic signed!"
Lynn Sr.: "Until I know who did the crime, you're all doing the time!"
[everyone complains even more]
Lana: [entering the bathroom with her father and Big Bertha.] "Big Bertha coming through!"
Lincoln: "Well, I'm not doing the time for this crime. I'm gonna find out who the real clogger is...Ace Savvy style!" [pulls out his deck and drops it again.] "Dang it."
[Lincoln is shuffling a deck of cards and places various cards he put drawings of his sisters on onto his desk.]
Lincoln: "One of you is the perp... but which one?"
Lucy: [comes out of nowhere] "Hey, Linc." [scares Lincoln] "I might have a tip for you."
Lincoln: "Really?" [suspicious] "Wait. Why do you wanna help?"
Lucy: "I don't care about being grounded. My life is just an endless mental prison, anyway. But it's not fair that you have to miss your thing."
Lincoln: "Thank you. So, what have you got?"
Lucy: "Lynn has eaten spicy meatball subs for ten days straight. You know what that does to your digestive system?"
Lincoln: "That's disgusting, but also a lead! I like your instincts, kid. You wanna team up?"
Lucy: "Sure. I've got nothing else to do. Besides bear the weight of the world on my shoulders."
Lincoln: [awkward beat] "Riiiiiiiight..."
[in the kitchen, Lynn is indeed eating a meatball sub; suddenly, Lucy shines a flashlight in her face.]
Lynn: "Hey! What's with the light?"
Lincoln: "Why don't you admit it, Lynn? You jammed the john!"
Lynn: "I think those tights are cutting off oxygen to your brain."
Lincoln: "Oh yeah? Then explain this!" [dumps discarded sub wrappers on the table.] "Nobody can eat this many subs and not wreak havoc on the plumbing!"
Lynn: "Nice try, genius, but my favorite roller derby is playing tonight and I never bomb the bowl before the big game. It's bad luck! If I go number 2, we won't be number 1!"
Lynn: "If you wanna know who plugged the porcelain, why don't you ask Lisa? She keeps a log of all our bathroom habits. Pun intended."
Lincoln: "Of course! Lisa's weird poop study! Let's go see this joker!" [holds up the wrong card]
Lucy: "That's the 2 of Diamonds."
[Lisa and Lily's room]
Lincoln: "I need the file from last night from 1 to 4 AM."
Lisa: [looks for the requested file] "1 to 4 AM...Hmm. It seems to be missing."
Lucy: "Missing? How convenient! Clearly, you did it! Case closed!"
Lisa: "Oh, please! I haven't used the family lavatory in years! It takes too much time away from my studies. I prefer to use Lily's training potty."
Lincoln: "Well, it looks like your story's clean...but your training potty's not."
Lucy: "What about Lily? She's always dumping her dirty diapers in the toilet."
Lincoln: "Aha!" [slides right into and knocks over Lily's diaper genie and reveals a plethora of pooped padding.] "Nope! I'd say they're all here! That clears these two."
Lucy: "What about Lori?"
Lincoln: "Of course! She was so quick to point the finger at me, and you know what they say, "She who dodged it, lodged it!"
[Lincoln goes to interrogate Lori; just then, a stretch and snap sound effect is heard; Lincoln returns revealing that Lori gave him an atomic wedgie to prove her innocence.]
Lincoln: "Lori did not do it!"
[The bathroom; Lana, Lynn Sr., and Big Bertha are searching for the bowl's barricade.]
Lynn Sr.: "Oh! Big Bertha's got something!"
Lana: "I wanna see! Is it something really grody?" [Dad hands her the object] "Paper? It's gotta be something bigger than that!" [tosses paper out the window] "Move over, rookie! Some jobs require you to get your hands dirty!" [takes over]
[the paper falls daintily as Clyde makes his way to the Loud House.]
Clyde: [singing] "One-Eyed Jack. One-Eyed Jack. Villains better watch their back." [gets his glasses struck by the paper Lana discarded.] "GAH! MY CRIME EYE!" [crashes into the van and gets catapulted into the tree in the front yard.]
Lincoln: "Better put a pot of cocoa on. We've only got 2 more hours until the convention and 5 more suspects to go."
[Their next suspect is Luan.]
Luan: "It wasn't me! I was asleep the whole time and I can prove it! I film myself sleeping in case I say something funny I can use in my act."
[Video footage shows such an event.]
Luan: [sleep-joking] "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!" [laughs during rimshot]
[They cross off Luan and move onto Leni.]
Leni: "Ooh! You wanna do an interview? Okay! My favorite color is zebra and the secret to a great smile is..."
[They cross off Leni who proves to be too dumb to pull off such an act and move onto Lana.]
Lana: "Wish I could take the credit. I've been trying to dam up the dumper for years."
[They cross of Lana and move onto Lola.]
Lola: "I would never get up in the middle of the night. It disrupts my beauty sleep."
[They cross off Lola and move onto their final suspect, Luna.]
Luna: "I was at a rock concert, dudes."
Lucy: "Prove it..."
[Luna turns on the TV to a news report of last night's concert where she is shown chasing Mick Swagger on stage.]
TV Luna: "MICK! WAIT! I JUST WANT A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR!"
[Lincoln and Lucy are just speechless at Luna's alibi.]
Lucy: "Okay, that proves it."
Lincoln: "GAH! We're running out of time and we've got nothing!"
Lana: "WE'VE GOT SOMETHING!" [finds the source of the clog.] "Here's the culprit!" [hands it to Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Aha! A break in the case!" [sees that it's a book]
Princess Pony: The Touching True Story Of A Delightful Pony Who Changes The World With Her Horse Sense
Lucy: "There's only one person who would read this: Lola!"
Lincoln: "That lying scoundrel!"
Lana: "You guys do remember that was just down the toilet, right?"
[Lincoln and Lucy revile in disgust and go back to Lola; Lincoln kicks the door open only for it to close on his face; he then enters normally.]
Lincoln: "We know you did it, Lola! We found your book in the toilet!" [shows evidence]
Lola: "Barf! That is not mine! I may be girly and pink, but I do have standards!"
Lincoln: [convinced] "I think she's telling the truth."
Lucy: [doubtful] "I don't! She's sweating more than a vampire in the sun! Let me take a run at her!" [kicks down Lola's tea party table.] "We know you did it! ADMIT IT! CONFESS! If you don't tell the truth...YOUR HEART WILL NEVER BE SET FREE!"
Lincoln: [holding back an enraged Lucy] "Whoa! Easy there, spooky!"
Lola: [unfazed from Lucy's outburst] "You're cleaning that up."
[The doorbell rings and Lincoln answers the door.]
Lincoln: "One-Eyed Jack?"
Clyde: "Sorry I'm late, Ace. I would have been here sooner, but I was thwarted by this dastardly piece of paper that flew from your bathroom window."
Lincoln: [looks at paper and sees something familiar.] "This looks like a page from Princess Pony. "If you don't tell the truth, your heart will never be set free." Where have I heard that before?" [suddenly realizes those are the exact same words that Lucy told Lola and finds out who the culprit truly is.] "LUCY! You solved the case, One-Eyed Jack! Thanks to you, the city can flush without fear!"
[Clyde does some victory poses and Lincoln closes the door on him to confront Lucy.]
Clyde: "Ace? Lincoln?"
[Lucy and Lynn's room]
Lincoln: [kicks the door open] "IT WAS YOU!"
Lynn Sr.: [off-screen] "LINCOLN! STOP KICKING DOWN THE DOORS!"
Lincoln: "You're the Princess Pony lover!"
Lucy: "That's absurd!"
Lincoln: "Then you won't mind if I search the premises." [searches but fails to find any evidence.]
Lucy: "Are you done?"
Lincoln: "I'll be done when I'm-" [notices something on the floor] "That's an odd shadow." [looks up to the ceiling lamp and finds a clue.] "Aha! Lisa's missing bathroom files!"
Lucy: "Lynn must have put that there! You've got nothing on me!" [just then, her gloomy macabre poster peels off and reveals a Princess Pony poster from behind.] "Dang it..."
Lincoln: "You've been lying to me this whole time! Why?"
Lucy: [readjusts macabre poster] "I couldn't let our sisters know I read Princess Pony. You know how they are. They'd make fun of me for the rest of my life."
Lincoln: "So, why do you read it?"
Lucy: "Even I need a break from the darkness every now and then."
Lincoln: "So, how'd it end up in the toilet?"
Lucy: "The bathroom is the only place I can safely read it."
[flashes back to last night]
Lucy: "I was reading it last night. And when I heard someone coming, I panicked."
[Through her panicking, Lucy tossed the book into the toilet and hid in the bathtub when a groggy Lincoln came by to use the toilet and flushed it; as soon as he left, it gave Lucy the chance to escape and save her secret; end flashback.]
Lincoln: "Sorry, Lucy, but you have to tell everybody. They still think I did it!"
Lucy: "But they'll tease me even worse than they tease you! You can probably handle that, but I can't!"
Lincoln: "I'm about to miss the convention! Either you tell them, or I will!"
Lucy: [admitting defeat] "Sigh...I'll tell them..."
[Downstairs, Lori and Leni are texting each other, Lola's fixing her hair, Lana's arranging her tools, Lynn's doing push-ups, Lisa's reading, and Luan and Luna are fighting over the TV remote.]
Luan: "Give it back!"
Luna: "It's mine!"
[Enter Lucy, ready to confess]
Lucy: "Excuse me...I have something to say..." [gets their attention and reveals the book.] "This is what totaled the toilet."
Lisa: "Princess Pony?!"
[the sisters laugh]
Lynn: "Which one of you lame-o's does that belong to?"
Lisa: "Certainly not me! It's so sickeningly sweet I get a toothache just looking at it!"
Leni: [terrified at Lisa's exaggeration] "Can that really happen?"
Luan: "Whoever that belongs to is gonna be the laughing stock of this house!"
Lori: "Yeah! They are literally worse than Lincoln! And he wears his underwear on the outside!"
[The other sisters laugh some more and Lucy knows she has to face the music; Lincoln notices Lucy's pain and feels bad for her.]
Lucy: "Actually...the book belongs to-"
Luan, Leni, Lynn, Lana, Lola, Lisa, Lori, and Luna: [flabbergasted] "YOU?!"
Lincoln: "I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd make fun of me."
Lori: [sounding sympathetic] "Aw, Lincoln..." [now condescending] "...of course, we're gonna make fun of you! But only for the rest of your life!" [as Luna, and Lola look at him smugly.].
Lincoln: [undeterred] "I'm looking forward to it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go tell-"
Lola: [doing it for him] "DAD! IT WAS LINCOLN WHO CLOGGED THE TOILET!"
Lynn Sr.: "LINCOLN, YOU'RE GROUNDED! GIRLS, YOU'RE NO LONGER GROUNDED!"
[The other sisters cheer and celebrate their freedom.]
Lucy: "Why did you do that?"
Lincoln: "Because you were right. I can handle the teasing. I'm quite comfortable with who I am. Obviously! But don't worry. Someday, you'll be, too. Until then, your big brother's got your back."
Lucy: [smiling and grateful] "Thanks, Lincoln."
Lincoln: "As Ace Savvy would say...it's no big deal!" [screws up the card trick again.] "Dang it."
[Later that night in Lincoln's room.]
Lincoln: [perfects the card trick] "I did it!"
[Enter Lucy with something in her hands.]
Lucy: "Hey, Lincoln." [scares Lincoln again] "Sorry you missed your convention. Here. I made you something. [hands it over to him to reveal it's a horror comic book she made.] "It's no signed Ace Savvy comic, but I hope you like it."
Lincoln: [gratefully disturbed] "Thank you, Lucy. I see your break from the darkness is over."
[Outside Lincoln's room]
Lynn: [ecstatic] "WOO-HOO! MY TEAM DID IT! WE'RE NUMBER 1!" [feels intestinal distress] "Ooh...time for Number 2..." [hurries to the bathroom]
Lana: "DAD, I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED BIG BERTHA AGAIN!!!"
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