The following is a transcript for the episode "Snow Way Down".
[A snowy road. An SUV drives by.]
Lincoln and McBrides: "♫Dashing through the snow / In a luxury SUV / We're making awesome time / Because we stopped to pee, hey!♫" [laugh]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "This is great! My first ever vacation with Clyde and his dads! And if it's anything like their souffles, it's going to be awesome!" [notices something] "Whoa! What is that?"
[They're driving by an old ski ramp.]
Harold: "Oh, that's the Ramp of Insanity. It's a near-vertical drop where you can reach speeds of 100 miles an hour, then get launched 5,000 feet in the air!"
Lincoln: "Sweet! Do we get to go on it?"
[Howard gasps and passes out.]
Harold: "And that is why I'm doing the driving. Lincoln, let me translate for Howard: no."
Clyde: "Don't worry, buddy. We have tons of other fun stuff to do." [holds smelling salts in front of Howard's face.]
Howard: [comes to and stammers] "What happened?"
Clyde: "You passed out when we asked about the Ramp of Insanity."
Howard: [scared] "The Ramp of Insanity?" [passes out again]
[They arrive at the cabin.]
Howard: "Here we are!"
Lincoln: [leaps out] "Woo-hoo! Race you to the front door!" [starts to run]
Harold: [grabs Lincoln] "Ah, ah, ah! Hold on."
[Clyde's dads clear the way with salt and a snow mower.]
Clyde: "My dads don't want us to slip on the ice."
[They enter the cabin]
Lincoln: "Wow! Nice." [tries to rush in]
Harold: [grabs Lincoln] "Ah, ah, ah! Hold on."
[Now they're polishing the floor.]
Harold: "Now we're good."
Clyde: "My dads don't want us to get splinters."
[The boys run out of the cabin and cheer.]
Clyde: "So, what should we do first? Go sledding?"
Lincoln: "I'll grab Big Red II!"
Howard: [grabs them] "Ah, ah!" [dresses them up in warmer winter clothes.] "There. Now we're good."
Clyde: "My dads don't want us to get frostbite."
[They waddle do the door and Lincoln can't reach his arm out to the handle due to his parka.]
Clyde: "Here. I've had a lot of practice with this." [opens the door with his teeth]
Lincoln: "What if I have to pee?"
Clyde: "Not a problem. Just give me 15 minutes notice."
[Out in the snowy hills.]
Lincoln: "Pilot to co-pilot, we are ready for launch!"
[They're about to go down when Clyde's Dads appear at the base.]
Howard and Harold: "Ah, ah!"
[Now all the trees have mattresses tied to them.]
Howard: "Good thing we found that clearance sale on mattresses."
Harold: [wrapping Lincoln and Clyde up in bubble wrap.] "And on bubble wrap. Now we're good."
Lincoln: "Okay...well, this is still gonna be fun. Here we go! Whee!" [doesn't even get the sled budging] "Uh...why aren't we moving?"
Harold: "Oh, we called ahead and asked the groundskeeper to level the hillside."
Clyde: "My dads don't want us to break our necks."
Lincoln: "Watch out, Clyde! I'm gonna show you no mercy!"
Clyde: "Well, I'm gonna show you even less! Unless you want me to, in which case I totally will."
Lincoln: "Okay, whatever."
Lincoln and Clyde: "Ready, aim, fire!" [toss their snowballs]
Howard and Harold: [in slow motion] "NOOOOOO!!!" [take the snowball hits and thud.]
Lincoln: [facepalms] "What are you-what?"
Clyde: "My dads don't want us to end up in the hospital because of an ice ball to the head."
[Lincoln grunts in frustration.]
[The boys are in the cabin reading comic books.]
Howard: "Who wants hot chocolate?" [offers them some]
Lincoln: "Ooh, I do!"
Clyde: "Me too, please!"
Howard: "Here you go, boys. Enjoy."
[They take the mugs and sip.]
Lincoln: [stops sipping] "Um, this is kind of cold."
Clyde: "Yeah, my dads don't want us to scald the roofs of our mouths."
Lincoln: [groans] "Clyde, permission to speak freely?"
Lincoln: "Look. Your dads are awesome, but this trip has made me realize that they are really overprotective."
Clyde: "Yeah, maybe a little, but they're just looking out for me."
Lincoln: "Clyde, you're wearing a seat belt on the couch!"
Clyde: "My dads don't want me to get injured in an earthquake. We are only three states away from a fault line."
[Beat of realization]
Clyde: [realizes] "Holy shamoly! You're right, Lincoln! This is..." [unbuckles his sofa seat belt] "...crazy! I'm gonna talk to my dads right now!"
Lincoln: "Go get 'em, buddy."
[The guest room]
Clyde: [opens the door] "Dads, do you have a second?"
Howard: [still polishing the floor] "Sure. What's up, peanut?"
Harold: "Howard! We agreed we wouldn't call him that in case he develops a peanut allergy someday."
Howard: "What's up, uh...apple slice?" [worried] "Was the cocoa too hot? I knew I should have put in more ice cubes!"
Clyde: "That's exactly what I wanna talk about. I think...I think you guys are too overprotective."
[His dads gasp]
Clyde: "With the couch seat belts, and the tree mattresses, and the bubble wrap..."
[They gasp again]
Clyde: "I'm not a little kid anymore. I can take care of myself. You don't have to worry about me so much."
Harold: "Worry? We don't worry."
Howard: [gets out his phone] "I'm scheduling a group session with Dr. Lopez. We have to talk about this." [speed dials her]
Clyde: "No. You don't need to call Dr. Lopez. You just need to let go a little bit."
Harold: "What do you think, Howie?"
Howard: [teary-eyed] "Well, maybe we could try." [sobs and hugs Harold]
Harold: "I agree."
Clyde: "You guys are the best. Thank you." [leaves]
Howard: [dialing Dr. Lopez] "I'm still calling Dr. Lopez. Just for me."
[The boys are up on the highest hill.]
Clyde: "Okay, buddy, now the fun really begins."
Lincoln: "I'll sled to that!"
[They fist bump and start sledding down the hill.]
Clyde: "Faster! Faster!"
[Just then, the sled beeps and unleashes a grappling hook that latches onto the hill, leaving the boys puzzled. It's revealed that Harold pushed a button to make the hook go off.]
Harold: "I'm so sorry. That wasn't supposed to happen."
Clyde: [sternly sarcastic] "Well, that's a relief."
Harold: "It was supposed to be a parachute."
Clyde: "Dads, you said you were going to let go!"
Howard: "We're sorry, Clyde. We're just not there yet."
Harold: "It's a dangerous world and we don't think you're ready to face it on your own."
Clyde: "I disagree."
Howard: "Why don't we revisit this in another decade?"
[Clyde stomps off irritated as the camera pans to the Ramp of Insanity.]
[The next day, Howard screams, waking up and startling Lincoln who falls out of bed.]
Lincoln: [in slight pain] "I should have buckled up." [rushes to the main room and slips on the floor.] "Whoa! Smooth floors!" [crashes] "Oof! What's going on?"
[Howard stammers and flails his arm while holding something and faints.]
Harold: "Let me translate for Howard: Clyde's in mortal danger!"
Harold: "We found this note from him when we woke up." [gives it to Lincoln]
Lincoln: [reading the note] "Dear dads, I'm off to sled the Ramp of Insanity. I hope this will prove to you that I'm capable of taking care of myself. Love, Clyde. Oh, no! What have I done?!"
Harold: "What do you mean?"
Lincoln: "Well, after the buffed floors and the couch seat beat and everything, I kind of told him you guys were too overprotective. I'm sorry, I didn't think he'd take it this far."
Harold: "Uh, it's okay, Lincoln. Just don't tell Howard."
Howard: [comes to and grunts] "Tell me what?"
Harold: [casually] "Uh, nothing!" [chuckles] "Let's just focus on stopping Clyde before he-"
Howard: [latches onto Harold, scared] "Don't finish that sentence!" [sobs]
Lincoln: "Don't worry, Mr. McBrides. I got this." [breaks out his walkie-talkie] "Clyde, do you copy?" [he says with an echo nearby.] "Wait! He's still in the house somewhere!" [they rush to the bedroom but don't find him there.] "Oh. He just left his walkie-talkie behind."
Harold: [hushes Howard] "Come on. We're going to the Ramp of Insanity!"
[They arrive at the ramp.]
Howard: "There he is! I see him!"
Harold: "Clyde, honey, don't do it! Just climb back down!"
[No response or action]
Harold: "Oh, Howie, he must be paralyzed with fear."
Howard: [admittedly] "He gets that from me."
Lincoln: "We'll just have to go up and get him."
Harold: "No no no. We'll go, Lincoln. I don't want you getting hurt."
Lincoln: "No. I have to go. Clyde is my best friend, and I'm not just gonna stand here while he-"
Howard: [scared] "Don't finish that sentence!" [cries]
Harold: "Okay, we'll all go up, but very carefully."
[They reach the ramp's ladder.]
Harold: "I hope this thing is safe."
Lincoln: "I'm sure it's fine. There'd be a sign if it wasn't."
[Signs that say Stay off, condemned, and a picture of a man climbing being crossed off appear from under the snow. Lincoln starts climbing anyway and they reach the top.]
Lincoln: "We're here, buddy. You're safe. Everything's going to be-" [comes across a minimum height sign that says YOU MUST BE THIS TALL ---- TO PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE] "...okay?"
Howard: "That's just an old sign! WHERE'S MY BABY?!"
[The wind blows the sign down the ramp which launches it into a nearby snowdrift, shattering it. This causes the dads to scream.]
Howard: [hysterical] "My baby could be lying injured in a ravine somewhere! We need to get off this thing and find him!"
[As they approach the ladder, it breaks.]
Lincoln, Howard and Harold: "WE'RE TRAPPED!"
["Trapped" echoes through the air and Clyde arrives back at the cabin.]
Clyde: "Whew. Cold." [sees no one there] "Dads? Lincoln? Hello?" [finds his walkie talkie and calls Lincoln.] "Lincoln, come in. This is-"
Lincoln: [picks up] "Clyde! You're okay!"
Harold: [takes the walkie] "Where are you, son? Did you go down the ramp?"
Howard: "Sweetie, did you break anything? Can you wiggle your toes? Stay still! Don't move your head!"
Clyde: "Guys, I'm fine. I didn't go down the ramp."
Harold: "You didn't?"
Clyde: "Oh, heck no. I got there and realized you guys are right. That thing is dangerous, so I turned around and went back home."
Howard: "Oh, thank goodness."
Harold: "That was good judgment, son."
Clyde: "So, where are you guys?"
Lincoln: "Uh...funny story."
[Clyde arrives at the ramp.]
Clyde: "Guys! I'm here!"
Harold: "Clyde! Did you call the ranger?"
Clyde: "I did, but I got his voicemail!"
Howard: "What?! Harold, our next vacation is Chicago, not the sticks."
Clyde: "Don't worry! We don't need the ranger, 'cause I'm rescuing you!"
Harold: "Oh, no you're not! Go back and call the fire department, or-or the police department, or Nana Gayle, but you are not coming up here!" [falls through a floorboard and Lincoln and Howard pull him up.] "Okay, come up here. But please be careful."
Clyde: "I'm gonna say this one last time." [takes off his hat and puts on a helmet.] "Don't worry!"
[He grabs a grappling hook from his bag and latches it onto a snowdrift.]
Howard: "Oh, I can't look." [covers his eyes]
Lincoln: "Clyde! What about your crippling fear of heights?"
Clyde: [climbing] "I was trying not to think about that!"
Lincoln: "Forget I mentioned it!"
Clyde: "It's okay. I'm just trying to concentrate." [goes to a tree]
Harold: "Honey, if you're thinking of climbing that tree, don't forget about your sap allergy."
Clyde: "I took my pills. For gosh sakes!" [starts climbing]
Harold: [worried] "Oh, this is too much. Now I can't look." [covers his eyes]
Howard: "I still can't."
Lincoln: [covers his eyes] "You guys are rubbing off on me."
[Clyde gets to the end of the tree, ties a rope to it, and slides down it to the top of the ramp; he and his dads hug.]
Harold: "That was very brave, son. Even if it took five years off my life."
Clyde: "We're not out of the woods yet." [takes out his sled] "Let's ramp this up!"
[The ramp starts to break]
Clyde: "Quickly, everybody, get on. There's only one way down." [his dads aren't sure] "You're just gonna have to trust me. Hurry!"
[His dads and Lincoln get on.]
Clyde: "Hold onto your butts!"
Lincoln, Howard and Harold: "Way ahead of you!"
[They push off and shoot down, all screaming and launch off into the air.]
Harold: "Since this is the end, there's something I need to tell you. I never liked your beef bourguignon!"
Howard: "I don't go to the gym when I say I do. I go to the doughnut shop!"
[The dads and Lincoln all continue screaming and Clyde activates a parachute for the sled for a nice slow descent.]
Harold: "A parachute! Good thinking, Clyde."
Clyde: "I got the idea from you."
[They land safely]
Howard: "Honey, we owe you an apology. You obviously can take care of yourself."
Clyde: "Well, it's all 'cuz of you guys. You taught me to always be prepared."
Harold: "From now on, we promise not to be so overprotective. And this time, we mean it."
[They hug it out]
Clyde: "Thanks. I'm lucky to have dads like you."
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "I'll give them a little privacy."
McBrides: [grab Lincoln] "Get in here, Lincoln." [pull him in for the hug]
Lincoln and McBrides: "Hugs!"
Howard: "Come on. Let's head back to the cabin for some actual hot cocoa."
Clyde: [excited] "Really?"
Howard: "Well, hot-ish." [to Harold] "So, what was that you were saying about my beef bourguignon?"
Harold: "I can't remember because I'm still wondering why we bothered paying for a gym membership."
Harold: "Okay, Howie, ready to let go?"
Howard: [sighs] "Ready as I'll ever be."
Harold: "Man, we are fantastic parents."
[Lincoln and Clyde are up on the hill.]
Clyde: "Pilot to co-pilot, we are ready for launch. Now the fun really, really begins!"
Lincoln: "I'll sled to that!"
[They fist bump and sled down.]
Clyde: "All right!'
Clyde: "Faster! Faster!"
[They fly off an alcove, crash and laugh.]
Lincoln: "That was awesome!"
Clyde: "Let's go again!"
Harold: [laughs] "Looks like we're getting the hang of not being so overprotective, huh, Howie?" [sips his cocoa and gets no response] "Howie?" [sees Howard fainted again] "I'll get the smelling salts."
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