The following is a transcript for the episode "Stall Monitor".
[The episode starts at Royal Woods Elementary.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Now don't forget class, parent-teacher conferences are tonight from six to eight." [Just as Lincoln is leaving, she comes up to him.] "Oh, Lincoln, I'm looking forward to seeing your parents, it's very important that I speak with them."
Lincoln: [Gulps] "Uh, but, I-"
Mrs. Johnson: [Grabs a yoga mat.] "Gotta run, I'm meeting my mother for vinyãsa yoga." [Grows aggravated, and groans] "She's going to know I haven't been practicing," [takes off] "woman can bend like a pretzel."
Lincoln: "Clyde, what could that mean?"
Clyde: "I think vinyãsa is the kind of yoga that focuses on flow."
Lincoln: "No! What awful thing is Mrs. J gonna tell my parents?" [Gasps] "It's probably about the time I called her Mom instead of Mrs. J." [Gasps] "Or the time I fell asleep during the video about string." [Gasps] "Or, maybe it's something so bad, I blocked it from my memory." [Starts wheezing]
Clyde: [Takes out a paper bag.] "Here, breathe buddy, breathe."
[Lincoln starts hyperventilating.]
[Later, everyone is at their lockers.]
Zach: "I don't know why you're freaking out, we've all called Mrs. Johnson Mom before. [Puts a book in his locker.]
Lincoln: [Groans] "Sometime between six and eight tonight, my life will be over!"
[Starts hyperventilating again, when Cheryl walks by.]
Cheryl: "Hi ya'll, here's the sign-up sheet for tonight's conferences," [puts it up] "tell your parent s to get here early cause it's first come first served."
Lincoln: [Realizes something, and breathes out, breaking the bag.] "First come, first served? Maybe there's a way my parents won't have to meet Mrs. J," [Goes to his friends.] "but I'm gonna need your help."
[They all ramble in agreement.]
[That night, Rita and Lynn are prepared to leave.]
Rita: "Lincoln! It's almost six, it's time to go!"
Lincoln: [Appears at the top of the stairs, missing something rather important.] "Great! I'm all set!"
Lincoln: [Looks down] "What?" [Slaps his face, groaning] "Totally forgot 'em, one sec." [Runs into his room]
Lynn Sr.: "Hurry up son! We don't wanna be the last ones on the sign-up sheet."
[Lincoln returns, with his pants, but missing something else.] "
Rita: "Uh, Lincoln."
Lincoln: [Sees that he's not wearing a shirt.] "Dang it, almost had it."
[Lincoln goes back to his room, and his parents look at each other, he returns, with his pants and shirt, but in the wrong places, his parents groan.]
[Eventually, they make it to the school.]
Lynn Sr.: [Sees the sign-up sheet, and groans.] "We got the last ding-dang slot."
[Lincoln gives a thumbs up to his friends, and they all give one back.]
Cheryl: "Welcome ya'll, now parents, you stay here and mingle while you wait to meet with Mrs. Johnson, and kids," [makes train noises with a whistle.] "follow this party train to the cafeteria. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, chew with your mouth closed, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga"
[She takes the students to the cafeteria, and Rita and Lynn sit.]
Lynn Sr.: [Regarding the lovely couple next to them.] "Hey, you must be Zach's folks," [notices their hats] "What a fun use of tin foil."
Mr. Gurdle: "It's to pick up alien signals."
[Looks around, and Lincoln's parents' have no clue.]
[Meanwhile in the cafeteria.]
Lincoln: "Okay, phase one was a success, my parents are the last ones on the list. You guys ready for phase two?"
Liam: "Ah, heck yes," [takes out a board game called 'Phase 2'.] "I love that game."
Stella: "No, no, no, phase two of the plan, getting our parents to stall Mrs. J, so there won't be any time left for Lincoln's parents."
Lincoln: "Okay Rusty, your dad is up first."
Rusty: [Gets up, and stretches] "Watch and learn guys." [Takes off]
Cheryl: [Comes out of the classroom] "Mr. Spokes, you're up hon."
[Mr. Spokes gets up, when his son comes up to him.]
Rusty: "Dad, got a hot tip," [Mr. Spokes leans in.] "Mrs. J's been looking to upgrade her wardrobe."
[Mr. Spokes likes the sound if that.]
Mr. Spokes: "Ha-cha, this is why a good salesman always carries samples in the car."
[Takes off and immediately returns with a rack of clothes, which he wheels into the classroom.]
Rusty: "Spokes, you're a genius." [Just then his dad returns.] "Huh?"
Mr. Spokes: "She hates polyester Rust."
Rusty: [Confused] "Why would she not want a timeless material that never shrinks or wrinkles?"
[Mr. Spokes shrugs.]
[Back in the cafeteria.]
Rusty: "Sorry Linc, I tried."
Zach: "Step aside Rust, leave it to the pros." [Leaves the same way Rusty did.]
Cheryl: [Comes out of the classroom.] "Mr. and Mrs. Gurdle, you're up." [Goes over to them as they get up.] "Ooh, I love those hats, it's like walkin' around with a couple baked potaters." [Laughs]
[They lovely couple goes to the room when their son stops them.]
Zach: "Mom, Dad, just wanted to warn you, Mrs. J has been acting strange lately, even..." [Gestures for them to lean in, which they do.] "alien-like. Well, have fun."
[Zach takes off, and his parents look at each other. In the classroom.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Mr. and Mrs. Gurdle, have a seat."
Mr. & Mrs. Gurdle: [Suspiciously] "We prefer to stand." [Mrs. Gurdle scoots offscreen.]
Mrs. Johnson: [Confused] "Uh, oh, okay, well, Zach's a great student," [notices Mrs. Gurdle waving a metal detector over her and gets uncomfortable.] "Uh, and he has a very active imagination, last week he, made up a cute story about the abominable snowman, working as a hotdog vendor in Kentucky."
Mr. Gurdle: [Looking at the map.] "That's not a story, we're planning a family trip to see him next summer."
Mrs. Johnson: "Oh, well, I, uh..." [notices what Mrs. Gurdle is up to.] "Is that my coffee mug?"
Mrs. Gurdle: [Puts the coffee mug into a ziplock bag.] "Just grabbing a quick DNA sample. Now, may I see your hands for a moment?" [Takes out nail clippers.] "I'd like to harvest a few of your fingernails for closer inspection."
[Clacks the clippers, and Mrs. Johnson, nervously laughing, puts her hands behind her back.]
[Zach enters the cafeteria, getting high fives and congrats from his friends.]
Lincoln: "Wow, Zach, your parents took up twenty minutes. Clyde, you're next, what's your plan."
Clyde: "Oh, don't worry Lincoln, with my dads, I don't need one."
[Meanwhile, in the classroom.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Welcome McBrides, well I'll keep it brief, Clyde is an excellent student and a delight in class, thank you for coming-"
Harold: "Actually, we have a few questions about classroom safety." [Rolls out a very long list.] "Life jackets under the desks, you have those right?"
Mrs. Johnson: "Well, actually..."
Howard: [Looks at the window.] "What's the UV rating on these windows? We assume you provide the students with sunblock."
Mrs. Johnson: "Well, Mr. McBride, we-"
Howard: [Grabs a blackboard eraser.] "And what about chalk dust levels?"
[Blows it, covering Mrs. Johnson in the dust.]
[Clyde enters the cafeteria, getting high fives.]
Lincoln: "Nice one Clyde, another thirty minutes down. Liam, ready for your turn?"
Liam: [Looks up from 'Phase 2'.] "Yup, I asked my Mee-Maw to bring Carol Anne, so we'll be as golden as a fresh batch of biscuits, especially if Carol Anne finds the present I left in my desk."
[In the classroom]
Mrs. Johnson: "You must be Liam's Mee-Maw," [giggles] "I've heard so much about you."
[Offers a handshake, which Liam's Mee-Maw, who has a strong grip, vigorously returns.]
Mee-Maw: "Oh, likewise, Mrs. Johnson."
Mrs. Johnson: [Seeing a pregnant goat skateboard by.] "Uh, and this is?"
Mee-Maw: "Oh, Carol Anne, she's due any day now." [Mrs. Johnson is surprised to hear that, and Mee-Maw pulls up a seat, sitting backward in it.] "Oh, she'll be fine, as long as she dun eat anything spicy." [Meanwhile, Carol Anne is sniffing around, and in Liam's desk, finds a chilli pepper sandwich, which she throws in the air and eats, and then starts bleating loudly, and running around in circles, Mee-Maw gets out of her seat.] "Wowie! We're about to have us some goat babies, clear your desk Mrs. Johnson, we need a birthin' bed."
[Mrs. Johnson is speechless and slightly disgusted. Outside in the hall, everyone hears a popping sound followed by more bleating, everyone has no idea what to say.]
[Back in the cafeteria, Liam enters with twin goats, his friends are in awe, and they high five all three of them.]
Lincoln: "This is great, only fifteen minutes left until the conferences are over."
Stella: "Don't worry, my parents will take, at least that long."
Stella's Mom: "Stella."
[Stella turns around and sees her mom rushing in.]
Stella: "Mom? What are you doing here?"
Stella's Mom: "Your dad just got kicked by an angry mama goat."
Stella: [Shocked] "Oh my gosh!"
[Her mom grabs her arm and they run off.]
Stella's Mom: "We have to take him to urgent care."
Lincoln: [Calls after them] "Sorry about your dad, Stella!" [To himself] Okay, not gonna panic, I can still find a way out of this."
Cheryl: [Offscreen] "Louds, you're next."
[Lincoln freaks out and runs down to the classroom.]
Lincoln: "Oh-no! This is it."
Mrs. Johnson: "Oh be right back Mr. and Mrs. Loud, just going to run to the restroom."
Lincoln: "If only we could keep her from coming back."
Clyde: "I could make up a diversion."
Lincoln: "Are you sure? I thought deception makes your stomach hurt."
Clyde: "It's worth a pot of camomile tea to keep my bestie out of trouble."
Zach: "I'll help, I just like making stuff up."
Rusty: "Uh, still one problem, your parents, they're not gonna leave without seeing Mrs. J."
Lincoln: [Thinks, and sees the theatre's costume box nearby.] "And that's who they're gonna get."
[Lincoln sneaks through the classroom window and closes it behind him. In the room, Rusty is dressed as Mrs. Johnson.]
Rusty: "What if I say the wrong thing and your parents catch on to me?"
Lincoln: "Don't worry, I'll be under the desk in case of an emergency."
Rusty: "Oh, good; don't tell my dad, but I see why Mrs. J. digs these natural fibres, so breathable."
[Meanwhile, the real Mrs. Johnson exits the restroom, and Clyde approaches her.]
Clyde: "Mrs. Johnson, quick, there's a grammar emergency that needs immediate attention." [His stomach starts hurting.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Clyde, it looks like this question is eating away at you, I'll help but only for a second, I need to finish my last conference."
Cheryl: [Pops into the classroom.] "Oh, Mrs. Johnson you're back, must have scurried in here quieter than a fox in a henhouse. Is that a new lipstick? Ooh I love a bold red."
Rusty: [Awkwardly laughs, as the Loud parents enter; In a high voice.] "Um, hello, have a seat." [Lynn and Rita do so.]
Rita: "So, how's our Lincoln doing?"
Rusty: "Well, uh, he's a good student, and that's about it. Thanks for coming." [Awkwardly smiles]
[Lynn and Rita are speechless at first.]
Lynn Sr.: "Uh, wow, this is the fastest parent-teacher conference we've ever been to." [Laughs a little] "And we've been to a few."
Rita: "Well, it's nice to hear that Lincoln's doing well, have a good night." [They get up to leave, Rusty and Lincoln give each other a thumbs up, when suddenly Rita notices the book on her desk and gasps.] "You're reading 'A Horse Named Javier'? My book club can't put it down, What's your favourite part?"
Rusty: [Nervous] "Oh, uh, I like the part where he was, uh," [Looks at Lincoln, who reads part of the book and makes galloping gestures.] "Galloping, but then he," [Lincoln flaps his wings.] "Grew wings and started to fly." [Lincoln gestures him, no.] "But he said, 'No Javier, go back to being a, a horse again'."
Rita: "Hmm, interesting interpretation."
Rusty: "Anyway," [Escorts them out] "thanks for coming in, drive safe."
Lynn Sr.: [Notices the yoga mat] "Oh, namasté, I didn't know you were a fellow yogi."
Lynn Sr.: "Would you mind taking a look at my grasshopper pose? I'm not sure I've" [Squats down and puts his right foot over his left knee.] "quite got it." [Wobbles a little] "Might help to see how you do it."
[Rusty is nervous again. Meanwhile back in the hall, Clyde is walking with the real Mrs. Johnson.]
Clyde: "Thanks for explaining the difference between further and farther, I'd love to discuss it further."
Mrs. Johnson: "You're welcome Clyde, but we should also discuss what constitutes a grammar emergency. Now, I really have to get back to my conferences." [Takes off]
Clyde: "Wait! What about who and whom?" [Takes out his walkie talkie.] "Lincoln, we've got a problem, Mrs. J's heading back to our classroom."
[Meanwhile, in the classroom, Lynn Sr is still doing yoga.]
Lynn Sr.: "Am I doing the legs right?"
Rusty: "Uh, uh."
Lincoln: [Into his talkie] "Rusty's stuck here, we're sunk."
Zach: "Don't worry guys, I got this." [Suddenly an announcement comes on the PA.] "Will the owner of a white sedan please report to the parking lot? Your car is being towed."
[Mrs. Johnson hears this and freaks out.]
Mrs. Johnson: [Runs outside] "My car!" [She runs past the office, where Zach pops his head out and smirks. In the parking lot, she presses the button on her car keys, and sees that it's still there.]
Mrs. Johnson: [Relieved] "Ah, Daisy," [hugs the car] "you're okay." [Sees that the lot is empty.] "I guess it was someone else's car." [She goes back to the building, only to find herself locked out.] "Dang it."
[She then sees an open window, in the classroom, Lynn Sr. gets up and stretches.]
Lynn Sr.: "Ah, thanks for the assist Mrs. Johnson, you are quite the yogi."
Rita: "And you should come to my book club, we could use a fresh perspective."
Rusty: "Oh, uh, I-"
[Just then he sees the real Mrs. Johnson climbing in through the window. She falls in, sees what's happening, Rusty panics.]
Rusty: "Ah, Mrs. J."
[Rusty makes a run for it, but trips over the yoga mat, revealing his true identity.]
Lynn Sr. & Rita: "Rusty?"
Mrs. Johnson: [Angry] "What is going on Mr. Spokes!"
Lincoln: [Offscreen, still under the desk.] "Wait!" [Gets up, but hits his head first.] "This isn't his fault, it's mine."
Lynn Sr. & Rita: "Lincoln?!"
Lincoln: "I've been stalling the conferences all night because I was afraid of what Mrs. Johnson was going to tell you about me. I'm so sorry Mrs. J, and I accept whatever punishment you think I deserve."
Mrs. Johnson: "I think a week's detention should do the trick."
Rita: "Followed by a week of being grounded at home."
Lynn Sr.: "So Mrs. Johnson, what were you going to tell us about Lincoln?"
Mrs. Johnson: "Oh, only that he's a very resourceful and creative student," [thinks about it] "and tonight, in a weird way, proves that."
[Lynn and Rita smile at each other.]
Lincoln: [Satisfied] "I'll take it."
Rusty: "Well you all have a good evening."
Mrs. Johnson: "Oh now, hang on Mr. Spokes, I'm afraid you've earned a little punishment yourself."
[At the yoga studio.]
Mrs. Johnson's Mom: "Wow Agnes," [shown in a lizard pose] "you really have been practicing, and I love that new lip color."
[Pans over to Rusty, still in his Mrs. J. costume.]
Rusty: [In the same pose] "Well, thank you mother." [His arms start trembling.]
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