The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[At Dairyland, Luan rushes through the crowd to meet up with Benny, who is serving Scoots near a popcorn stand] Luan: "Benny!" Benny: "Hey, Luan!" Luan: "I got your text. What's the biggest news in the history of the universe?" Scoots: "Excuse you, missy. He was attending to my popcorn needs first." [snatches the popcorn from Benny] "What happened to service with a smile?" [drives off] Benny: "Luan, look!" [shows her a poster] "Thanks to my weekend job here, I got the scoop on park auditions. They're casting for-" Mr. Coconuts: "Heidi Heifer!" Luan: "In the stage show, A Cream Come True!" Benny: "It's the part you've always wanted!" Luan: "Everybody who was Heidi has done big things. Why, one of the actresses is now a leading bovine on Broadway! I'm gonna sign up to audition right now! Oh, Benny, you're the best!" [She kisses him on the cheek and runs off. He blushes.]
[At the auditions, Luan is third in line after two more actors. The first Heidi actor dons her mask but loses balance and stumbles off the stage.] Director:[sighs] "Next." [The second actor is up. She dons the mask] Heidi #2:[robotically] "I don't know how this o-curd, but I lost my whey." [forgets the rest of the line] "I'm confused." [She is instantly yanked off the stage.] Director:[sighs] "NEXT!" [Now it's Luan's turn] Luan: "I don't know how this o-curd, but I lost my whey. I'd butter find it, or I'll be in gelato trouble! Moooo!" Director:[impressed; claps] "Put those other Heifers out to pasture. We've found our Heidi." Luan:[unmasks and fist-pumps] "Yes!"
[Later at the Royal Woods High School theater] Luan:[practicing her moos] "Moo! Moo!" [falsetto] "Moooo!" Mr. Coconuts: "Nah, toots. That's too Holstein. Go lower into your Jersey range." Luan: "Oh, Mr. Coconuts, I can't wait to tell Mrs. Bernardo I got the part!" Mr. Coconuts: "She'll be over the moooon, toots!" Luan: "Aww." [Suddenly Mrs. Bernardo walks in with her makeup running] Mrs. Bernardo: "Class, you're looking at a woman who was up all night crying- I mean, 'workshopping her emotions'. I auditioned for a major role and was rejected for the fourteenth time! It's a character that speaks to me, one I'm meant to play! Why?! Why dost thou elude me, Heidi Heifer?!" [Luan is teared up from the story when Benny approaches] Benny: "Luan, did I miss it? Did you tell Mrs. Bernardo your good news?" [Luan freezes as she realizes she had robbed Mrs. Bernardo of her dream role] Mrs. Bernardo:[sniffs] "Perhaps a sprig of good news will sweeten my sorrow. Well, Luan, what are your happy tidings?" Mr. Coconuts: "She, uh, bought me a new bowtie. Ain't it a real doozy?" [The bowtie transforms into a flower before reverting back. Mrs. Bernardo sighs] Mrs. Bernardo: "And the agony lives on. Luan, would you lead acting warmups? I'll be brooding tragically in the wings." [leaves]
[Later, Luan is at her locker with Benny watching] Benny: "I know she was upset, but I think you should have told Mrs. B you were cast as Heidi. She's your mentor." Luan: "Are you out of your adorable curly-haired mind? That's exactly why I didn't say anything. The role means a lot to her. Finding out I got it would crush her. I can't do that." [The bell rings] "Ooh! I need my script so you could help me run lines at lunch." [She starts throwing things out of her locker, accidentally hitting Benny with a pie in the face] Mr. Coconuts: "Wowza! It's not in here, doll!" Benny: "The last time I saw you with it was this morning, in theatre class." Luan:[gasps] "That's where I must have left it! And my name's on the cover!" [notices Benny] "Oh, Benny, this is no time for pie-in-the-face gags! We've got to get that script before Mrs. B sees it!" [She runs off, then grabs Benny, causing the pie to fall off his face.]
[Luan and Benny peek into the theater] Mrs. Bernardo: "Alright, thespians, places for our mime funeral scene. Remember, let your body do the crying." [The actors start mime-crying. Luan and Benny sneak into the seats, where they notice Luan's script on a chair on stage. Luan gets on a sand weight and pulls herself down before reaching for the script] Mrs. Bernardo: "Oh, so that's where I left the script for my new one-woman show." [puts the script in her bag] "And curtain, which also happens to be the name of the show!" [The weight jerks upwards, and Luan crashes. Mrs. Bernardo shrugs and leaves.]
[Mrs. Bernardo is at Reininger's talking to Leni.] Mrs. Bernardo: "Do you have anything with a 'your acting career hasn't been a total farce' vibe?" Leni:[holds up a scarf] "I have this one with kitty cats!" Mrs. Bernardo: "Ah, that cheers me up a smidge. I was in a lauded production of Kats in '89. Kats with a K, for legal reasons." [Luan peeks out of a sweater rack. As Mrs. Bernardo examines the cat scarf, Luan inches closer to nab the script and is forced to get her back to Mrs. Bernardo to get it] Mrs. Bernardo: "No, never mind. The kitties look like they're laughing at my suffering." [Luan dives back into the rack as Mr. Bernardo leaves.] Mr. Coconuts: "Well, that was unscripted."
[At the Supermart, Benny approaches Mrs. Bernardo] Benny: "Hey, Mrs. B. Would you help us out? Mrs. Appleblossom has a big dance recital today, and she could really use your feedback." Mrs. Bernardo: "Here? Amongst the produce?" Benny: "Well, like you always say, all the world's a stage." Mrs. Appleblossom:[starts dancing] "♫ Hmm-hmm, I can do the can-can, do-do-do-do-do, do... ♫" [Luan tries to snag the script, but Mrs. Bernardo starts dancing and hip-checks her shopping cart, sending Luan flying into the orange stand. A nearby chef trips over the fallen oranges, causing the cake to land on Luan. Later, Mrs. Bernardo notices a can with a cow on it] Mrs. Bernardo: "Cursed dairy. Everywhere I doth go, you haunt me like a lactose demon!" [Behind the cans, Luan successfully nabs the script, and Mrs. Bernardo leaves. Mr. Grouse passes by and Luan hands him a similar can] Mr. Grouse: "Ah, thank you." Luan: "You're welcome." Mr. Grouse: "Huh?" [Luan and Benny snicker to themselves before hiding their positions with cereal.]
[Luan, Cheryl and Tippy are now rehearsing for their show] Tippy: "Whoa. Feta Falls, Milkshake Mountain, Parmesan Peak? Gosh, this magical dairy adventure has been the trip of a lifetime!" Luan: "You said it, Tippy! Oh, Dairy Godmother, it makes my stomach churn just thinking about this dream having to end." Cheryl: "Well, it don't have to, little cheese curd!" [is hoisted upwards and store freezers lower down] "You can always find the doorway to this enchanted place in your grocer's dairy section." All: "♫ Ghee and yogurt and feta cheese, too / All of this dairy's a dream come true! ♫" Director: "Great rehearsal, everyone. That's lunch. Let's be back in an hour. We don't wanna be late for our first performance, and don't even think about standing in line for a funnel cake. I'm looking at you, Cheryl." [Cheryl chuckles nervously. Everyone else leaves, leaving Cheryl stuck on her wire] Cheryl: "Stuck on a wire, y'all!"
[Later, Luan is about to have lunch when Benny comes over] Benny: "Luan, I was just at my popcorn cart, and I saw Mrs. Bernardo! She's here in Dairyland, right now!" Luan: "What?! She must have heard I was cast as Heidi!" Mr. Coconuts: "Well, this could be curtains for you, doll." [Luan imagines herself performing as Heidi] Luan: "♫ All of this dairy's a dream come true! ♫" Mrs. Bernardo: "YOU STOLE MY PART!" [tackles Luan and removes her Heidi mask] "There can only be one Heidi! THE STREETS WILL RUN WHITE WITH MILK!" [Back to reality] Luan: "I can't let her see me here!" Mrs. Bernardo: "LUAN LOUD!" [Luan and Benny freeze upon hearing that; Mrs. Bernardo shows up] "A joy seeing you and Benny. It does my tortured soul a world of good." Luan: "Oh, Mrs. B! What, uh, brings you here?" Mrs. Bernardo: "Whenever I am rejected as Heidi, I go on rides and scream my fool head off. 'Tis the best way to let out frustration. You must join me." [grabs Luan] "It's much more effective with a friend." Benny: "She can't! Uh, she promised to taste-test my new popcorn!" Luan: "Uh, yes! He's rolling out the new skim cottage cheese flavor!" Mrs. Bernardo: "Skim cottage cheese? Heh. How wretched. Just like my self-worth!" [starts sobbing] Luan: "Alright, alright. OK, I'll go with you. But just a few rides." Mrs. Bernardo: "Oh, Luan, you're an angel of mercy." [Mrs. Bernardo grabs Luan and drags her over the park. They ride a rollercoaster and a spinning attraction, with Mrs. Bernardo screaming. Luan gets nauseous and afterwards vomits into a trash can.] Mrs. Bernardo: "The screaming worked! I'm over my Heidi rejection! Thank you, Luan." Luan: "Oh, glad to help, Mrs. B. Welp, I guess I'd better go help Benny with that popcorn tasting!" [Suddenly Tippy makes an announcement over the intercom] Tippy: "Moo! Tippy here! Would Heidi Heifer report to the Udder-torium? It's almost showtime. Moo!" Mrs. Bernardo: "HEIDI! WILL THY TORTURE NEVER END?! I need more screaming, Luan!" [yanks her away]
[Now they're riding the Seas of Cheese.] Puppets: "♫ Dairy binds the world together, dairy binds us all... ♫" Luan: "Uh, but Mrs. B, I don't get how this ride's gonna make you scream. Except maybe after hearing that song over and over and over again." [Mrs. Bernardo hops out of the boat they're on] "What are you doing?!" [Mrs. Bernardo destroys a nearby machine, stopping the ride, before turning to a nearby Heidi statue.] Mrs. Bernardo: "I NEED HER TO KNOW HOW I FEEL!" [As Mrs. Bernardo lets out a long, withdrawn shriek of rage at the Heidi statue, Luan's cell phone rings. She picks up.] Luan: "Hello?" [Split-screen with the director.] Director: "Luan, where are you? If you don't show up soon I'll have to give the role to someone else." [notices something] "Uh, Cheryl? Is that a funnel cake? What did I say about..." [Luan hangs up. She looks at Mrs. Bernardo, still screaming at the Heidi statue, and panics.] Luan: "Oh, Mrs. Bernardo! I was cast as Heidi Heifer in the show and, if I don't hurry, I'm gonna lose the part!" Mrs. Bernardo: "Cue unscripted stage gasp!" [gasps] Luan: "I should have told you. I just... I consider you my mentor and I didn't want to ruin our relationship." [sighs] "I'm sorry." Mrs. Bernardo: "Oh, funny, silly, sweet, kind Luan. I'm so deliriously happy for you." Luan:' "Really? I thought you'd be mad!" Mrs. Bernardo: "Dear child, I would have been thrilled to be Heidi, but I am also proud that my training helped you land the role. Now get thee to that stage!" [She realizes that she had accidentally destroyed the machine making the ride go.] Luan: "Oh no! The ride's broken! We'll never make it!" Mrs. Bernardo: "If anyone can make it to a show on time, it's Kate Bernardo! Hop on!"
[Mrs. Bernardo carries Luan out of the ride] Mrs. Bernardo: "Make way! Theatrical emergency!" Luan: "The show starts in just a few minutes! We won't make it in time like this! We need a faster way!" [Mrs. Bernardo gets an idea. Benny is at his popcorn cart and pours butter on some popcorn. Before he can give it to a guest, Mrs. Bernardo hops on it and takes off, dragging Benny with it.] Benny: "Limburger Lane is a five-mile-an-hour zone! We're clocking 30!" [They're fast approaching the Udder-torium] Mrs. Bernardo:[throws Luan] "GO, LUAN! DAZZLE THAT AUDIENCE!" [crashes] Luan:[lands in front of the cast and crew] "I'm here, Cream Team! Let's get out there and-" [notices Cheryl with cake in her ears] "Hey, what's going on?" Director: "Cheryl fell into a vat of funnel cake batter. Her ears are clogged and she can't hear. The show won't go on." Luan: "I've got it. The show will go on!"
[The show is going on seemingly normally] Luan: "Oh, Dairy Godmother, it makes my stomach churn just thinking about this dream having to end." [Mrs. Bernardo, now playing the Dairy Godmother, lowers herself on a wire] Mrs. Bernardo: "It doesn't have to, my little cheese curd." [The store freezers lower down] All: "♫ Ghee and yogurt and feta cheese, too / All of this dairy's a cream come true! ♫" [The audience cheers, including the rest of the Louds. Later, the cast celebrates the performance] Luan: "Oh, Mrs. Bernardo, they loved us! Talk about a moo-ving experience!" Mrs. Bernardo: "Yes, all thanks to you, my dear girl. I've never felt so a-liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!" [She sings so loud the cake pops out of Cheryl's ears] Cheryl: "Mercy's sakes, the funnel batter's gone! I can hear again!" [Tippy trips on the spilled cake] Mr. Coconuts: "Batter luck next time, kiddo!" [The end.]
