The following is a transcript for the episode "Study Muffin".
[Lincoln is looking at his test with an F.]
Lincoln: "I don't get it Clyde. Usually, I'm a good student but lately it's been all C's and D's and now an F."
Clyde: [Grabs Lincoln's test] "Wow, and a frowny face too. That's cold."
Lincoln: "If I don't turn this around, I could fail fifth grade!"
Clyde: "Lincoln, you can't! If I go to middle school without you, I could fall in with the wrong crowd, and get tattoos, and start littering"
[Flash into Clyde's imagination, where Clyde is throwing a corndog on the ground, then the rest of his lunch, and then proceeds to hit the food with his backpack. Scene flashes back to Clyde and Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Don't worry, Clyde. I've got a plan."
[Scene cuts to Lincoln in Lisa's room.]
Lisa: "Sorry, Lincoln. But my tutoring schedule is completely booked. I got math with Lucy on Mondays, geology with Lynn on Tuesdays, finger painting with Lily on Wednesdays, et cetera et cetera." [shows Lincoln her schedule] "Oh, being the residence genius is both a blessing and a curse, though I believe in neither."
Lincoln: "But, Lisa, you're my last hope!"
Lisa: "Mm. Pish Posh. Try the Community College. I've heard through the tutoring grapevine that students there tutor for extra credit."
Lincoln: "Great idea, Lis!" [heads off to the Community College.]
Lisa: [holding a stopwatch] "LORI, YOU'RE THREE MINUTES LATE FOR PRE-CALC! MOVE IT OR LOSE IT!"
[Later, the doorbell rings and Lincoln answers it to find a good looking fellow at the door.]
Hugh: "Um...beg your pardon. Is this the Loud residence?"
Lincoln: "Yep. You must be my tutor. I'm Lincoln."
Hugh: "I'm Hugh. Quite chuffed to meet you."
Lincoln: "Uh...the chuff is all mine. Come on in."
[They both head inside and begin their study session.]
Lincoln: "I really appreciate this, Hugh. I have a big multi-subject test coming up, and I need to ace it."
[Enter Lori on her phone.]
Lori: "So, I'm like, if you literally don't know the difference between dance team and color guard-" [gasps at the sight of Hugh and drops her phone; now stammering.] "Ba...ba...ba..."
Lincoln: [concerned] "Lori, you okay?"
Lori: [speechless] "Er...um...yes." [picks up her phone.] "I was just going to get a...hunk of meat. I mean, a...dish of cereal. Er, tall drink of water!" [turns and smacks into the wall, dropping her phone again.]
Hugh: "Miss, you dropped your mobile." [picks it up and hands it to her.]
[Lori fawns awkwardly and Lana enters with a net.]
Lana: "I heard a goose! I call dibs!" [notices Hugh and gets the same reaction as Lori.] "Ba...ba...ba..."
[Enter Leni wearing a facial mask.]
Leni: "I heard a sheep." [removes the cucumber slices on her eyes and sees Hugh.] "AAH! MY FACE!" [runs off]
[The rest of Lincoln's sisters minus Lily show up with their things. They see Hugh and react like Lori and Lana did.]
Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola and Lisa: "Ba...ba...ba..."
[Leni returns without her facial mask.]
Leni: "Hey, guys. Oh, Lincoln, I didn't know you were entertaining. Hi. I'm-" [sees Hugh up-close and reacts the same way] "Ba...ba...ba...ba..."
Hugh: "Um, hello. I'm Hugh, Lincoln's tutor. It's lovely to meet you all."
Sisters: [infatuated] "Ba...ba...ba..."
Lincoln: [annoyed] "Could you guys please get out of here? We're trying to study."
Lola: "It's a free country, Lincoln." [stands next to Hugh] "We can stand where we want to."
Lana: [cuts in front of Lola] "I'm standing here!"
Lola: "The heck you are!"
[The twins start fighting by flailing their hands at each other.]
Lana: "You're blocking my view!"
Lola: "You're blocking my Hugh!"
[The girls start marching toward Hugh who backs up into a corner.]
Lori: "Out of my way!"
Hugh: [nervous] "Oh my word. There's quite a few of you. Friendly lot."
[The girls get closer with Luna hopping and flailing her tongue like a dog up front. Walt perches himself on Hugh's arm.]
Hugh: "Oh. Hello. Bit cheeky, aren't we?"
[Cliff and Charles are nuzzling his legs. Seeing this, Lincoln comes to help him.]
Lincoln: "Come on, Hugh! Let's go somewhere a little less crowded." [pulls Hugh free]
[The living room]
Lincoln: "Sorry about my sisters. They're not usually like this."
Hugh: "Oh, it's no bother. They seem like very spirited young ladies."
[There's a banging at the window and it's revealed to be Lincoln's sisters looking through the window. Luan has her camera to film Hugh.]
Lynn: "Get out of my way!"
Leni: "You're blocking my Hugh!"
[Their behavior enrages Lincoln and he closes the curtain on them so he can resume his studies.]
Lincoln: "As I was saying, sorry about my-"
[A periscope comes in with one of Lincoln's sisters peeping in and Lincoln angrily shoves it back up, hitting the peeping sister, which is Lola.]
Lola: "OW! MY EYE!"
[Lincoln and Hugh go upstairs where Lynn Sr. is as he notices Hugh as well.]
Lincoln: "Again, sorry about my sisters. Maybe we should study in my room."
[Lynn Sr. is now wearing a bowler hat and holding a miniature Union Jack.]
Lynn Sr.: [in a faux British accent] "Cheerio! Pip-pip and all that rut! Lynn Loud, Sr. I did a college semester in merry old England. So many memories. Bangers and mash, riding the Tube..."
Hugh: [uncomfortable] "Ah, yes. Cheers."
Lori: "Oh, Hugh. My window is literally stuck and I need someone very strong to open it." [takes Hugh away from her dad, who doesn't even notice.]
Lynn Sr.: [humming] "Hmm, hmm...fish and chips."
[Lincoln sighs at this sight. In Lori and Leni's room, Hugh opens the not-so-stuck window.]
Hugh: "There you are, love. Right as rain."
Lori: [amorous] "Wow. I bet you work out a lot, huh?"
Hugh: "Well, I did do a spot of crew in fifth form."
Lori: "I like all your forms." [fawns awkwardly again]
[Lincoln sighs again. Enter Lisa.]
Lisa: "I need to borrow Hugh for a second. I'm tutoring Lola."
Hugh: "Glad to help. What's the subject."
[Lisa stares at him with a creepy smile and makes a creepy giggle to go along with it. Cut to Lola's tutoring session.]
Lisa: [showing Hugh's abdomen] "This is called a rectus abdominis. Otherwise known as a six pack."
Hugh: [embarrassed] "Oh, I say!" [pulls his shirt down]
Lisa: "Now, if you'll turn around, I'll point out the gluteus maximus."
[The rest of the girls charge in and they and Lola squeal enticingly.]
Hugh: [frightened] "Really? But this is most-"
Lincoln: [Fed up] "All right, all right. Class dismissed." [takes Hugh away]
[As they leave, Lori gets a quick snapshot of Hugh's butt.]
Lincoln: "Sorry about this. It's the only place we'll get any privacy. It's a bit dark, but there's a lamp right here."
[Lincoln turns on the light and Lucy is right there from the shadowy corner, startling them.]
Lucy: "Hi, Hugh. I wrote a poem about you. Hugh. Wavy hair. Mysterious eyes. Pretty cool for a living guy. Hugh."
[Enter Lynn Sr. now wearing a royal guard hat.]
Lynn Sr.: [in his accent] "'Ello, governor! Picked this up at ye olde Buckingham Palace gift shoppe."
[Enter Lola who pushes her family members aside.]
Lola: "EVERYBODY OUT!" [gets out her tea party set] "It's tea time for me and Hugh. I made yours without sugar, 'cause you're already sweet." [giggles and flutters her eyelashes]
Lincoln: "Okay, I highly doubt anyone's gonna bother us here."
[Lincoln looks over there as Lana is in the doghouse drinking water with Charles.]
Lana: [notices Hugh and waves flirtatiously] "Oh, hi, Hughie."
[Charles gets up on Hugh and licks his face.]
Luna: "Dudes! He's in the pooch pad!"
[The rest of the girls, their dad, Walt and Cliff all rush to the doghouse, each getting stuck in the hole, begging for Hugh to join them, leaving him in a panic.]
Hugh: "Aah! This again!"
[This commotion ultimately destroys Charles' doghouse.]
Lincoln: [furious] "ALRIGHT! FAMILY MEETING!" [to Hugh] "Back in a jiff."
[Family meeting in the living room.]
Lincoln: "You guys are unbelievable. The minute a good-looking guy with an accent shows up, you all go completely bonkers."
Leni: [in denial] "That is so not true!" [reveals to be wearing a sweater dedicated to Hugh] "I've got these Hugh sweaters in small, medium, and large."
Girls and Lynn Sr.: "Ooh!"
Lincoln: "This has to end. I need to study, or I'm gonna flunk fifth grade! So from now on, Hugh is off limits."
[The girls all complain at Lincoln's decision and walk away disappointed.]
Lynn Sr.: [in accent] "Now, girls, you heard Lincoln."
Lincoln: [agitated] "Uh, that means you too, Dad."
Lynn Sr.: [disappointed] "Oh."
[He and the three pets leave upset and Walt poops on Lincoln in retaliation.]
Lincoln: "Ugh!" [He gets even more annoyed.]
Lincoln: "Sorry that took so long to take care. Finally, we can get down to business."
Hugh: "Brilliant. Let's start with mathematics." [opens math book] "See if you can solve for X."
[Lincoln writes down his equation.]
Lincoln: "Is that right?"
Hugh: "Well done! Let's move onto social studies." [opens social studies book] "What are the three major exports of Bosnia-Herzegovina?"
Lincoln: [thinking] "Um...aluminum, car seats, and leather footwear?"
Hugh: "Smashing! Shall we have a go at Earth sciences?"
Hugh: [impressed] "Lincoln, you're spot-on in all of your lessons. Even surrealist art."
[Lincoln had painted his version of The Son of Man by René Magritte with him as the son and a Tennis ball as the apple.]
Lincoln: [confused] "It's weird. I thought I needed so much help."
Hugh: "It's all in your head, chum. There's no reason you shouldn't be getting top marks on your exam. Well, I guess you won't be needing me anymore."
[The girls and pets burst in.]
Sisters: [devastated] "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Hugh: [frantic] "Good heavens! Are all yanks like this? Careful! Mind the hair!"
[The girls and their dad all surround Hugh with little to no escape. He crawls out and runs for his life.]
Lynn Sr.: "GIRLS! HE'S GETTIN' AWAY!"
[Hugh is on a Penny-Farthing pedaling as fast as he can as the girls, their dad and the pets give chase.]
Girls: "NO!" / "You can't leave!" / "I want a lock of your hair!" / "MARRY ME!!!"
[The next day, Lincoln returns home from school with a despondent look on his face.]
Lynn: "How'd the test go, bro? You ace it?"
Lincoln: "No! I got an F!" [slumps on the floor]
Luan: [takes the test off of her brother's head and looks at it] "Oh, and a frowny face. That's cold!" [pulls out a phone] "I know just Hugh to call!" [laughs] "Get it?"
[The girls start fighting over who should call him.]
Lana: "I'm calling Hugh!"
Lola: "No, me!"
Lori: "I'm calling Hugh!"
Lincoln: "I don't get it. I thought I knew all the answers." [sighs] "Ms. DiMartino is definitely gonna flunk me now."
[The girls cease their fight.]
Lynn: "Wait. Ms. DiMartino?"
Lincoln: "Yeah. She's been our substitute teacher since Mrs. Johnson broke her leg riding a mechanical bull."
Luna: "Dude, no wonder you're failing. Ms. D is so smokin', guys go completely bonkers around her."
Lori: "Yeah. Even Bobby nearly flunked because of her. Of course, that was BL: Before Lori." [grimly] "Or he never would have noticed her."
Lincoln: "But that couldn't happen to me!" [thinking] "Could it?"
[A flashback to Ms. DiMartino preparing for her first day as the substitute for Mrs. Johnson's class.]
Girl Jordan: "Hi, Ms. DiMartino!"
[Enter Lincoln walking by, captivated.]
Lincoln: "Ba...ba...ba..." [walks into a locker door.]
[In class, Zach gives Ms. DiMartino an apple with a heart-shaped balloon tied to its stem. Rusty gives her a box of chocolates. Liam gives her a bonsai tree trimmed like a heart. Lincoln gives her a fruit basket dedicated to the state of Michigan. Lincoln is sharpening his pencil while being distracted by Ms. DiMartino's beauty. He sharpens his pencil down so much, it's stubby now. It happened to a lot of his pencils. Ms. DiMartino is writing down the French term for "to love", Aimer, and how to conjugate it.]
Ms. DiMartino: "Let's conjugate the French verb, "Aimer", to love. J'aime, tu aimes, il aime, nous aimons..."
[The boys are too busy ogling and drooling over her to pay attention. At lunchtime in the cafeteria, Lincoln and his friends all look at her and wander into the trashcan.]
Rusty: [erratically in Liam's voice] "Oh! Found my retainer!"
[The class is taking a test.]
Ms. DiMartino: "You'll have one hour to complete your test. Eyes on your own paper."
[During the test, Lincoln fills in his test with a big heart.]
Lincoln: [realizes] "Holy shmoly! You guys are right! I do go completely bonkers around Ms. DiMartino. Just like you guys did around Hugh."
[The girls are all wearing Hugh sweaters.]
Leni: "I don't know why you keep saying that. By the way, if Hugh and I ever got married and had a baby..." [shows an online baby picture she made] "...here's what it would look like."
Lisa: "Oh, Leni, you're delusional. Because I'm gonna marry him, and our progeny is gonna look like this." [shows her online baby]
[The girls start fighting again, this time over who will marry Hugh.]
Lincoln: "Guys, you gotta help me! I don't wanna flunk fifth grade! Clyde could end up as a tattooed litterbug!"
[The girls stop again and are puzzled by what he said.]
Lincoln: "It made sense when he said it."
Luan: "Maybe you can get Ms. DiMartino to let you retake the test."
Lincoln: "But as long as she's anywhere near me, I'm still gonna blow it!"
Lisa: "Well then, the solution would be to remove her from your field of vision. Observe." [takes Lori's phone with a picture of Hugh as its wallpaper which she makes that creepy smile towards it and goes to Lori.] "Lori, what is Bobby's full name?"
Lori: "Roberto Alejandro Martinez-" [gets shown the Hugh picture and fawns over it; Lisa pulls it back.] "Roberto Alejandro-" [gets shown it and fawns again; it's pulled back.] "Roberto-" [shown and fawning again.]
Lisa: "And now to delete."
Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, and Lola: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
[Lisa deletes the Hugh image which is now replaced with a picture of Lori taking a duckface selfie.]
Lori: [shakes her head and comes to her senses.] "Roberto Alejandro Martinez-Millan Luis Santiago, Jr."
Lisa: "Case closed."
Lincoln: "Got it." [leaves]
Lisa: "Don't worry, guys. I have more photos of Hugh saved in the cloud."
[The next day at school, Lincoln is retaking the test in his locker to avoid seeing Ms. DiMartino.]
Lincoln: "Thanks for letting me retake my test, Ms. DiMartino."
Ms. DiMartino: "No problem, Lincoln." [slides the retake through the locker's slot.] "Here you go. You have one hour to complete it, and keep your eyes on your own paper." [giggles]
Lincoln: [charmed] "Gosh, and you're funny, too." [makes an air horn sound to focus.]
[In his locker, Lincoln has a headlight on so he can see and writes down the answers to the questions.]
[Later, Lincoln joins up with Clyde with some good news.]
Lincoln: "Clyde! I did it! I aced the test!"
Clyde: "That's awesome, Lincoln! So, you're not gonna flunk fifth grade?"
Lincoln: "Nope. Only downside is, I'm going to be spending a lot of time inside my locker."
[They approach their classroom.]
Lincoln: "Well, here goes." [covers his eyes and steps in] "Better shield my eyes from our teacher's blinding beauty."
Mrs. Johnson: "Oh, well, thank you."
[Mrs. Johnson is back in the classroom with her leg in a cast and sitting in a wheelchair.]
Mrs. Johnson: "I'm flattered." [charmingly] "Why don't you come sit in the front row, Lincoln?"
Lincoln: [laughs awkwardly] "Uh...yes. Brilliant."
[Gym class outside]
Lincoln: "Now that Mrs. Johnson's back, looks like my troubles are over."
[Unfortunately for Lincoln, he and Clyde see a familiar face. Ms. DiMartino is now a substitute coach.]
Lincoln and Clyde: [captivated] "Ba...ba...ba...ba..."
Girl Jordan: "What happened to Coach Pacowski?"
Ms. DiMartino: "Mrs. Johnson ran over his foot with her wheelchair, so I'll be subbing in gym class for a while." [blows her whistle] "Let's do some laps, everybody!" [giggles]
[The girls are well focused, but the boys are too distracted.]
Lincoln and Clyde: [running while distracted] "Ba...ba...ba..."
[They collide into a basketball pole due to their infatuated state, as do a few other boys.]
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