The following is a transcript for the episode "Teachers' Union".
[The episode begins with Girl Jordan screaming, getting nailed in the face by a dodgeball, and collapsing. Penelope runs by Lincoln and Clyde and gets nailed too, followed by Zach, then Andrew, then Liam.]
Lincoln: [To Clyde] "Man, I hate gym class." [Gets nailed]
Clyde: "And the worst part is, class hasn't even started yet."
[Gets nailed into his underwear, and winds up lying on the floor with his fellow classmates.]
Coach Pacowski: [Blows his whistle] "Okay, now that you're warmed up, let's begin."
Zach: "Coach, any chance we can play with the parachute today?" [Pacowski nails him with another dodge ball for that statement.]
Rusty: "I don't think he heard you, Zach. [Slyly] Ask him again." [Gets nailed as well]
Coach Pacowski: [Blows his whistle] "Line up! [Everyone lines up] Today you'll be running the obstacle course." [Jestures to an army style obstacle course.]
Girl Jordan: [Nervous] "Is it legal to have barbed wire in school?"
Coach Pacowski: "You're first, Miss Mouthy." [Blows his whistle again, and everyone starts. Everyone finds themselves in a really painful situation.]
Rusty: [Falling down the rope] "Rope burn!"
Coach Pacowski: "Suck it up, Spokes! No one leaves until each and every one of you runts finishes this course!"
[Mrs. Johnson appears in the doorway.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Good morning, Coach Pacowski."
Coach Pacowski: [Realizing that Mrs. Johnson is there.] "Uh, why-uh, he-, hello, [tips his hat] Mrs. Johnson."
[Slips over a dodgeball, tries to pick himself back up using the cart, but it rolls out from under his arm and he falls over again. He sits up, watches Mrs. Johnson leave, and is now in a trance, the students approach him.]
Girl Jordan: "Coach, can we stop? My toenail fell off."
Coach Pacowski: [Still in a trance] "Huh? Yeah, sure, class dismissed, you all get A's."
[Later, after gym class, Liam, Girl Jordan, Lincoln, Clyde, Rusty, and Zach are at their lockers.]
Rusty: "Can someone open my locker? [With bandages on his hands] My rope burn is serious."
[Clyde opens it for him.]
Zach: "Man! Gym class was brutal today."
Girl Jordan: "Yeah, good thing Mrs. Johnson came by before we got to the barbed wire." [Shudders in fear]
Liam: "Coach sure is sweet on her, ain't he?"
Clyde: "Can you imagine if Coach and Mrs. Johnson were a couple? Gym class would be way less painful."
Zach: "It'd be non-stop parachute time!"
Lincoln: "Hmm, [Gets an idea] I think you guys are onto something, what if we could make them a couple?"
Liam: "Now how in tarnation would we do that?"
Lincoln: [Determined] "Leave it to me."
[Later at the Loud House, Lincoln is in Lori's bedroom where Lori is in bed reading a magazine.]
Lincoln: "So my friend really likes this girl-"
Lori: [Squeals in excitement] "OMG! [Pulls Lincoln under the covers.] You're talking about yourself, aren't you? Who's the girl?!"
Lincoln: "No, no, it's not me. So, he likes her, but I'm not sure if she's into him."
Lori: "Oh, have Clyde ask her for you."
Lincoln: [Annoyed] "It's not me! Can you focus, please? [Lori folds her arms in annoyance] Now, how do I get her to be interested in him, too?"
Lori: [Not focusing] "I'm sure she'll be interested in you, Lincoln. You're so great!"
Lincoln: [Angrily while close to Lori's face] "Lori, I swear I will walk out of this room and go ask Lola!"
Lori: "Fine, I'll help you with your 'friend'. All you have to do is talk him up when you know this girl is listening. Make him seem like a real catch."
Lincoln: [Excitedly] "That's great advice! [Gives her a thumbs-up] Thanks!"
[He leaves the room, then contacts Clyde on his walkie-talkie.]
Lincoln: "Clyde, do you read me?"
Clyde: "Loud and clear, Lincoln. How'd it go with Lori?"
Lincoln: "It went great. I knew she'd have the answer, but I could really use your help."
Clyde: "I'm your man."
[They hang up]
[The next day at school, Lincoln and Clyde peep through the door of the Gymnasium suspiciously looking in opposite directions.]
Lincoln: "So, Lori says the first step is to talk up Coach's good points."
Clyde: "Got it. Wait, what good points?"
Lincoln: "That's what we're here to find out."
[They both tiptoe into the gym, hide behind the dodgeball cart, and Lincoln unlocks the lock to it letting the dodgeballs bounce free. From the office, Pacowski witnesses it and is shocked.]
Coach Pacowski: "What the heck? I just stacked these!"
[He runs after the balls while Lincoln and Clyde sneak into his office. Lincoln sees a book on the desk.]
Lincoln: "A medical book? Wow! Coach must be studying to become a doctor."
Clyde: "That'll be helpful since he injures so many of us in class."
Lincoln: "More importantly, it's really going to impress Mrs. J."
[Lincoln and Clyde looks up and notices pictures of Pacowski high on the shelf.]
Clyde: "Check out the world traveler. Mrs. J's gonna love that."
[Suddenly, Coach's cell phone rings. The boys notice the sound in panic and quickly hide under the desk. Pacowski answers it.]
Coach Pacowski: "Go for Pacowski, [Hearing inaudible gibberish on phone.] Hey, hey thanks for calling me back, Sal. I need to talk to you about a part for my boat."
Lincoln and Clyde: [From under the desk] "He has a boat?"
[As Coach leaves, they both stand up from under the desk and smile.]
[Later, during lunch, Mrs. Johnson is eating a salad. Clyde and Lincoln - holding trays - sit at the table behind her.]
Lincoln: [Acting] "Clyde, you'll never believe what I found out today. Did you know Coach P. is studying to be a doctor?"
[Mrs. Johnson looks surprised.]
Clyde: [Also acting] "No way, Lincoln. I'm surprised he has the time. [To Mrs. Johnson] What with all the world traveling he does on his boat."
Lincoln: [Surprised] "A boat you say?!"
Clyde: "Yeah, I heard he just ordered a new part for for it." [He grins at the viewer.]
Lincoln: "Wow. I never realized what a catch Coach is. How has he managed to stay single all these years?
Clyde: "I guess he's too modest to toot his own horn."
Lincoln: "You mean the one on his boat?" [Chuckles while Mrs. Johnson smiles at this.]
[Meanwhile, back at the Loud House, Lincoln is talking to Lori while she's painting her toenails.]
Lincoln: "Okay, so I followed your advice, and now the girl seems interested in my friend. What's the next step?"
Lori: "Uhh, duh, you ask her out. You literally have the green light, Romeo."
Lincoln: [Facepalms and groans in annoyance] "Lori, it's not me!"
Lori: "Fine, tell your 'friend' he literally has the green light. How long do you wanna play this game, Lincoln?"
[Lincoln sighs in annoyance.]
[Back at school, in Coach Pacowski's office, we see Coach sat on the desk. The camera zooms out. Lincoln and Clyde are seen at the side of the door putting their next phase of the plan into action. They both bounce back and forth with a basketball, acting out.]
Clyde: [Acting] "Man, I really feel bad for Mrs. Johnson. National 'Ask A Teacher Out' Day, and no one has asked her out."
Lincoln: [Also acting] "Huh, I wonder why Mr. Wolfson hasn't made a move?"
Clyde: "Eh, she'd never go for a humanities teacher. She's more into the athletic type. [Coach listens to their conversation.] You know, guys who are tough on kids and stern authoritarians, and if they like to blow whistles, even better."
[Coach smiles at this and walks out of the room, passing between Lincoln and Clyde.]
Lincoln: [Excitedly] "Yes! He took the bait."
Clyde: "Yeah, but he can't ask her out looking like that."
[The two look at each other in agreement. Outside the principal's office Lincoln swipes a bouquet of flowers off the secretary's desk, meanwhile, Clyde is in the auditorium and grabs a costume off the rack. They meet up outside Mrs. Johnson's class and see Coach P approaching, they nod at each other noting that it's go time. Clyde leans up against the lockers while Lincoln pretends to take a drink from the fountain, and "accidentally" sprays Coach Pacowski.]
Lincoln: "Oopsie. Here, let me neatly comb that for you."
[Lincoln starts combing. Meanwhile, Clyde sneaks behind Coach with a carton of fruit juice, and sprays it all over the back of Coach's shirt.]
Clyde: "Sorry. Here, I happen to have a fresh shirt with no pit stains."
[Spins Coach Pacowski into the costume he took from the auditorium.]
Lincoln: "Gosh, what am I going to do with this romantic bouquet of flowers? [Holds the flowers he stole from the secretary's desk.] I'm allergic."
Coach Pacowski: [Snatches the flowers and snaps] "Give me those!"
[Coach walks off in his new look and he enters Mrs. Johnson's classroom. She notices him.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Oh, well, hello, Coach!" [Notices the flowers] "Oh, are those for me?"
Coach Pacowski: [Hesitating] "Uhh, th-they, they are indeed. [Chuckles, gives the flowers to her.] "A-Agnes, I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me tonight?" [Nervously]
Mrs. Johnson: "Well, I guess I could skip my hot yoga class. You're on!"
[Coach smiles with joy. However, he also notices the students staring at them, and snaps.]
Coach Pacowski: "WHAT'RE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?! BACK TO WORK!" [To Agnes] I uh, I can't help when I'm just a stern authoritarian kind of guy."
[He blows his whistle. Lincoln and Clyde watches the scenario and give each other a high five.]
[Later on, the boys stand behind the gymnasium doors.]
Lincoln: " Well, Clyde, if everything went according to plan last night, today's gym class should be all about-"
[They both open the doors. They gasp in surprise when they discover their gym classmates playing with a parachute, and beam with delight.]
Lincoln and Clyde: "THE PARACHUTE!"
Clyde: "We did it, Buddy!"
Lincoln: [Touched] "Remember this moment."
[The kids cheer them on]
Gym class girl: "Lincoln, you're a hero!"
Lincoln: "It wasn't just me, it was a team effort by Clincoln McCloud."
Kids (Except Lincoln and Clyde): [Chanting while raising the parachute up and down.] "CLINCOLN MCCLOUD! CLINCOLN MCCLOUD! CLINCOLN MCCLOUD!"
[The duo run under the parachute, smiling.]
Clyde: "So, where's Coach?"
Lincoln: "Probably on the phone planning his wedding."
[Lincoln and Clyde popped their heads through the middle of the parachute to take a look. The Coach repeatedly bangs his head on the desk in disappointment and sorrow.]
Clyde: "Wow. All the best venues must be booked."
Lincoln: "I think it's worse than that, Clyde."
Clyde: "You're right, he looks like my Nana after she loses Bingo. Bingo's her dog, not the game. [They pop back underneath the parachute and approach the Coach, whom is still banging his head.]
Lincoln: [Guiltily] "Hey, Coach. How ya doin'?"
Coach Pacowski: [Annoyed] "Just great. My love life is in the toilet and I'm gonna be alone forever!"
Lincoln: "How could that be? We saw you ask out Mrs. Johnson the other day. She seemed thrilled."
Coach Pacowski: "Well, that didn't last long. Everything about me seemed to disappoint her."
Clyde: "Uhh, what do you mean?"
Coach Pacowski: "Well, for some reason, she thought I had a yacht, and when I told her I just live on a house boat with my Mom, she looked like my Uncle Bill, when he loses checkers. That's his cat, not the game. And she was less than enthused when she found out I'm not some 'big world traveler'."
Lincoln: "You're not? [Correcting his blurt and looks at the pictures.] Urr, uh, I was just looking at those pictures on your wall."
Coach Pacowski: "Those were from that new mini-golf course out by the airport, Hole-In-Wonders Of The World. I've never left Michigan in my life."
Clyde: "She must have perked up when she found out you're in Med School." [Stunned when he was about to reveal the real reason.] "I, ur, I-I just, I saw that book on your desk."
Coach Pacowski: "This? I checked it out at the library. [Angrily shows them his sock.] I'm trying to figure out what the-- HECK IS GOING ON HERE!" [--He pulls out his sock to reveal his nasty foot infection and Lincoln and Clyde yell and gasp in disgust.] "Yeah, it's the same reaction Agnes had at dinner." [Sighs and looks at the duo] "Boys, I need to be alone. Go play with the parachute for the rest of the school year, okay?"
[The boys look at each other, guiltily.]
Lincoln: "Uhh, Coach, there's something we need to tell you." [After the confession Lincoln and Clyde told him later on.] "So you see, because of us, Mrs. Johnson had all the wrong ideas about you. That's the reason your date bombed. It wasn't anything you did."
Clyde: "Though, the foot rash didn't help."
[Lincoln glared at Clyde, he shrugged.]
Lincoln: "We're sorry. We never should've meddled in your personal life."
Clyde: "But please don't give up on love because of us. As my Dads always say, 'there's a lid for every jar', and I know there's a lid out there for you. Or a jar. I'm not sure which one you are in this situation."
Coach Pacowski: "Well, thank you for coming clean, boys. I appreciate your honesty."
Lincoln: "You do? So, you're not gonna punish us?"
Coach Pacowski: "Oh, I'm not gonna punish you. [Lincoln and Clyde smiled at each other slyly, but suddenly, dramatic music plays as Coach's shadow casts over the duo. Coach becomes furious.] "I AM GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!"
[Lincoln and Clyde run in horror while Coach gives them a chase. They run towards the other kids playing with the parachute and still chanting 'Clincoln McCloud' and are propelled into the air by the parachute, the same happens to Coach, they then run through the obstacle course, very proficiently, with Coach in hot pursuit, as they run through the tires, they see the crusher, they manage to dodge it and grab the ropes, Coach lunges at them but seemingly gets flattened, Lincoln and Clyde are relieved when suddenly Coach lifts the crusher right up, the boys scream in terror and climb the rope, Coach following them, they switch from the rope to the monkey bars and drop down on to the launch pad, they are launched over the barrier, front flipping before landing, Coach drops down on to the pad, but gets launched head first into the wooden barrier, giving himself a concussion, Lincoln and Clyde run over to him.]
Clyde: "Coach, are you okay?"
Coach Pacowski: [Dazed] "I already scraped the barnacles, Ma."
[Lincoln and Clyde look at each other with concern.]
[At the Nurse's office, Coach comes to wearing bandages on his head, laying on the bed.]
Nurse Patti: "Oh, well, now that's quite a goose egg, Coach. Geez, how'd you do that?"
Coach Pacowski: "Uh, well, I uh-"
Lincoln: "He was just showing us the best way to run the obstacle course."
Nurse Patti: "Maybe you should stick to something a little less strenuous, eh, like um, mini-golf? Now that's my game. [She gestures to an array of photos on her wall of herself at 'Hole in Wonders of the World', resembling Coach's.]
Coach Pacowski: "Wait, you, you like mini-golf, Nurse Patti?"
Nurse Patti: "Like it? You're talking to the Royal Woods mini-golf queen."
Coach Pacowski: [Chuckles] "Well, you're talking to the Royal Woods mini-golf king."
Nurse Patti: "Oh, well I'll believe that when I see it."
Coach Pacowski: "Hey, how 'bout a round of golf with me tonight?"
Nurse Patti: "I'm in. Loser buys corn dogs and pop at the snack shack."
Coach Pacowski: "Deal!"
Clyde: "Looks like Coach found his lid, or his jar, [Ponders] still not sure."
Lincoln: [Excitedly] "Which means a whole lot of parachute time for us!" [He locks arms with Clyde]
Clyde: [Touched] "Remember this moment."
[The school bell rings, and class has started. Mrs. Johnson storms inside, angry and upset.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Alright class, I'm gonna break it down for you. I had a lousy date last night and I'm not in a good mood, so it's pop quiz time!" [The kids' groan] "Pull out a sheet of paper and number it one to ten. Question 1: Your Mom's houseboat counts as a boat. True or false?"
[After explaining the question, she notices Norm the school janitor at the door. Norm tips up his hat while Mrs. Johnson falls in love with him. That gives Lincoln and Clyde another plan as Lincoln ducks down under the desk to call Lori on his cell-phone.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lori! Listen, I've got another friend who needs my dating help."
[Lori speaks in inaudible gibberish.]
Lincoln: [Angrily bangs his fist on the floor.] "No, it's not me!"