The following is a transcript for the episode "Teachers' Union".
[The episode begins with Girl Jordan screaming, getting nailed in the face by a dodgeball, and collapsing. Penelope runs by Lincoln and Clyde and gets nailed too, followed by Zach, then Andrew, then Liam.]
Lincoln: [To Clyde] "Man, I hate gym class." [Gets nailed]
Clyde: "And the worst part is, class hasn't even started yet."
[Gets nailed into his underwear, and winds up lying on the floor with his fellow classmates.]
Coach Pacowski: [Blows his whistle] "Okay, now that you're warmed up, let's begin."
Zach: "Coach, any chance we can play with the parachute today?" [Pacowski nails him with another dodge ball for that statement.]
Rusty: "I don't think he heard you, Zach. [Slyly] Ask him again." [Gets nailed as well]
Coach Pacowski: [Blows his whistle] "Line up! [Everyone lines up] Today you'll be running the obstacle course." [Jestures to an army style obstacle course.]
Girl Jordan: [Nervous] "Is it legal to have barbed wire in school?"
Coach Pacowski: "You're first, Miss Mouthy." [Blows his whistle again, and everyone starts. Everyone finds themselves in a really painful situation.]
Rusty: [Falling down the rope] "Rope burn!"
Coach Pacowski: "Suck it up, Spokes! No one leaves until each and every one of you runts finishes this course!"
[Mrs. Johnson appears in the doorway.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Good morning, Coach Pacowski."
Coach Pacowski: [Realizing that Mrs. Johnson is there.] "Uh, why-uh, he-, hello, [tips his hat] Mrs. Johnson."
[Slips over a dodgeball, tries to pick himself back up using the cart, but it rolls out from under his arm and he falls over again. He sits up, watches Mrs. Johnson leave, and is now in a trance, the students approach him.]
Girl Jordan: "Coach, can we stop? My toenail fell off."
Coach Pacowski: [Still in a trance] "Huh? Yeah, sure, class dismissed, you all get A's."
[Later, after gym class, Liam, Girl Jordan, Lincoln, Clyde, Rusty, and Zach are at their lockers.]
Rusty: "Can someone open my locker? [With bandages on his hands] My rope burn is serious."
[Clyde opens it for him.]
Zach: "Man! Gym class was brutal today."
Girl Jordan: "Yeah, good thing Mrs. Johnson came by before we got to the barbed wire." [Shudders in fear]
Liam: "Coach sure is sweet on her hiney."
Clyde: "Can you imagine if Coach and Mrs. Johnson were a couple, gym class would be way less painful."
Zach: "It'd be non-stop parachute time!"
Lincoln: "Hmm, [Gets an idea] I think you guys are onto something, what if we could make them a couple?"
Liam: "Now how in tarnation would we do that?"
Lincoln: [Determined] "Leave it to me."
[Later at the Loud House, in Lori and Leni's room where Lori is reading a magazine.]
Lincoln: "So my friend really likes this girl-"
Lori: [Gasps in excitement] "OMG! [Pulls Lincoln under the covers.] You're talking about yourself, aren't you? Who's the girl?!"
Lincoln: "No, no, it's not me. So, he likes her, but I'm not sure if she's into him."
Lori: "Oh, have Clyde ask her for you."
Lincoln: [Annoyed] "It's not me! Can you focus, please? Now, how do I get her to be interested in him, too?"
Lori: [Not focusing] "I'm sure she'll be interested in you, Lincoln, you're so great!"
Lincoln: [Getting angry] "Lori, I swear I will walk out of this room and go ask Lola!"
Lori: "Fine, I'll help you with your 'friend'. All you have to do is talk him up when you know this girl is listening, make him seem like a real catch."
Lincoln: "That's great advice! [Gives her a thumbs-up] Thanks!" [Leaves the room, then contacts Clyde on his walkie-talkie.] "Clyde, do you read me?"
Clyde: "Loud and clear, Lincoln. How'd it go with Lori?"
Lincoln: "It went great. I knew she'd have the answer, but I could really use your help."
Clyde: "I'm your man."
[The next day at school, Lincoln and Clyde entered the Gymnasium suspiciously looking at opposite directions.]
Lincoln: "So, Lori says the first step is to talk up Coach's good points."
Clyde: "Got it. Wait, what good points?"
Lincoln: "That's what we're here to find out."
[They both tiptoed in the gym, hid behind the dodgeball cart, and Lincoln unlocks the lock to it letting loose the balls. From the office, Pacowski witnesses it.]
Coach Pacowski: "What the heck, I just stacked these!" [Runs after the balls while Lincoln and Clyde snuck into his office. Lincoln saw something on the desk.]
Lincoln: "A medical book? Wow! Coach must be studying to become a doctor."
Clyde: "That'll be helpful since he injures so many of us in class."
Lincoln: "More importantly, it's really going to impress Mrs. J."
[Just then, Lincoln and Clyde looked up to see pictures of Pacowski.]
Clyde: "Check out the world traveler. Mrs. J's gonna love that"
[Suddenly, Coach's cell phone rings and the boys quickly hide under the desk. Pacowski answers it.]
Coach Pacowski: "Go for Pacowski, [Hearing inaudible gibberish on phone.] hey, hey thanks for calling me back, Sal. I need to talk to you about a part for my boat."
Lincoln and Clyde: [From under the desk] "He has a boat?"
[Later, during lunch, Mrs. Johnson is eating a salad, Clyde and Lincoln sit at the table behind her.]
Lincoln: [Acting] "Clyde, you'll never believe what I found out today. Did you know Coach P. is studying to be a doctor?"
[Mrs. Johnson looks surprised.]
Clyde: [Also acting] "No way Lincoln, I'm surprised he has the time, what with all the world traveling he does on his boat."
Lincoln: "A boat you say?"
Clyde: "Yeah, I heard he just ordered a new part for for it."
Lincoln: "Wow, I never realized what a catch Coach is. How has he managed to stay single all these years?
Clyde: "I guess he's too modest to toot his own horn."
Lincoln: "You mean the one on his boat?" [Chuckles while Mrs. Johnson smiles at this.]
[Meanwhile, back at the Loud House, Lincoln is talking to Lori while she's painting her toenails.]
Lincoln: "Okay, so I followed your advice, and now the girl seems interested in my friend. What's the next step?"
Lori: "Uhh, duh, you ask her out. You literally have the greenlight, Romeo."
Lincoln: [Facepalms and groans] "Lori, it's not me!"
Lori: "Fine, tell your 'friend' he literally has the greenlight. How long do you wanna play this game, Lincoln?"
[Lincoln sighs in annoyance.]
[Back at school, in Coach Pascowski's office, Lincoln and Clyde are at the side of the door putting their next phase of the plan into action. They both bounce back and forth with a basketball, acting out.]
Clyde: [Acting] "Man, I really feel bad for Mrs. Johnson, National 'Ask A Teacher Out' Day, and no one has asked her out."
Lincoln: [Also acting] "Huh, I wonder why Mr. Wolfson hasn't made a move?"
Clyde: "Eh, she'd never go for a humanities teacher. She's more into the athletic type. [Coach listens to their conversation.] You know, guys who are tough on kids and stern authoritarians, and if they like to blow whistles, even better."
[Coach smiles at this and walks out of the room, passed between Lincoln and Clyde.]
Lincoln: "Yes! He took the bait."
Clyde: "Yeah, but he can't ask her out looking like that."
[The two look at each other in agreement. Outside the principal's office Lincoln swipes a bouquet of flowers off the secretary's desk, meanwhile, Clyde is in the auditorium and grabs a costume off the rack. They meet up outside Mrs. Johnson's class and see Coach P approaching, they nod at each other noting that it's go time. Clyde leans up against the lockers while Lincoln pretends to take a drink from the fountain, and "accidentally" sprays Coach Pacowski.]
Lincoln: "Oopsie, here, let me neatly comb that for you."
[Starts combing, meanwhile, Clyde sneaks behind Coach with a box of apple juice, and sprays it all over Coach's shirt.]
Clyde: "Sorry, here, I happen to have a fresh shirt with no pit stains."
[Spins Coach Pacowski into the costume he took from the auditorium.]
Lincoln: "Gosh, what am I going to do with this romantic bouquet of flowers? [Holds the flowers he stole from the secretary's desk.] I'm allergic."
Coach Pacowski: [Swipes the flowers] "Give me those!"
[Coach walks off in his new look and he enters Mrs. Johnson's classroom. She notices him.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Oh, well, hello, Coach." [Notices the flowers] "Oh, are those for me?"
Coach Pacowski: "Uhh, th-they, they are indeed. [Chuckles, gives the flowers to her.] "A-Agnes, I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me tonight?" [Nervously]
Mrs. Johnson: "Well, I guess I could skip my hot yoga class. You're on!"
Coach Pacowski: [Sees the students staring at them.] "WHAT'RE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?! BACK TO WORK!" [to Agnes] I uh, I can't help when I'm just a stern authoritarian kind of guy." [Blows his whistle. Lincoln and Clyde saw the whole thing and gave each other a high five.]
[Later on, the boys stood behind the gymnasium doors.]
Lincoln: " Well, Clyde, if everything went according to plan last night, today's gym class should be all about-"
[They both opened the doors and gasped in surprise. Their gym classmates are playing with...]
Lincoln and Clyde: "THE PARACHUTE!"
Clyde: "We did it, Buddy!"
Lincoln: [Touched] "Remember this moment."
[The kids cheered them on]
Gym class student: "Lincoln, you're a hero!"
Lincoln: "It wasn't just me, it was a team effort by Clincoln McCloud."
Kids (Except Lincoln and Clyde): [Chanting while raising the parachute up and down.] "CLINCOLN MCCLOUD! CLINCOLN MCCLOUD! CLINCOLN MCCLOUD!" [The boys get under the parachute, feeling happy.]
Clyde: "So, where's Coach?"
Lincoln: "Probably on the phone planning his wedding."
[Lincoln and Clyde popped their heads in from the parachute to take a look, instead of Coach planning, he bangs his head on the desk in disappointment and sorrow.]
Clyde: "Wow, all the best venues must be booked."
Lincoln: "I think it's worst than that, Clyde."
Clyde: "You're right, he looks like my Nana after she loses Bingo, Bingo's her dog, not the game. [They popped out and approached the Coach, he is still banging his head.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Coach. How ya doin'?"
Coach Pacowski: "Just great. My love life is in the toilet and I'm gonna be alone forever!"
Lincoln: "How could that be? We saw you ask out Mrs. Johnson the other day, she seemed thrilled."
Coach Pacowski: "Well, that didn't last long, everything about me seemed a dissapointer."
Clyde: "Uhh, what do you mean?"
Coach Pacowski: "Well, for some reason, she thought I had a yacht, and when I told her I just live on a house boat with my Mom, she looked like my Uncle Bill, when he loses checkers. That's his cat, not the game. And she was less than enthused when she found out I'm not some 'big world traveler'."
Lincoln: "You're not? [Correcting his blurt and looks at the pictures.] Urr, uh, I was just looking at those pictures on your wall."
Coach Pacowski: "Those were from that new mini-golf course by the airport, Hole-In-Wonders Of The World. I've never left Michigan in my life."
Clyde: "She must have perked up when she found out you're in Med School." [Stunned when he was about to reveal the real reason.] "I, ur, I-I just, I saw that book on your desk."
Coach Pacowski: "This? I checked it out at the library. I'm trying to figure out what heck is going on here!" [Pulls out his sock to reveal his nasty foot infection and Lincoln and Clyde gasped in disgust.] "Yeah, it's the same reaction Agnes had at dinner." [Sighs] "Boys, I need to be alone. Go play with the parachute for the rest of the school year, okay?"
[The boys look at each other, guiltily.]
Lincoln: "Uhh, Coach, there's something we nee to tell you." [After the confession Lincoln and Clyde told him later on.] "So you see, because of us, Mrs. Johnson had all the wrong ideas about you. That's the reason you're date bombed. It wasn't anything you did."
Clyde: "Though, the foot rash didn't help."
[Lincoln glared at Clyde, he shrugged.]
Lincoln: "We're sorry. We never should've meddled in you're personal life."
Clyde: "But please don't give up on love because of us. As my Dads always say, 'there's a lid for every jar', and I know there's one out there for you. Or a jar. I'm not sure which one you are in this situation."
Coach Pacowski: "Well, thank you for coming clean, boys. I appreciate your honesty."
Lincoln: "You do? So, you're not gonna punish us?"
Coach Pacowski: "Oh, I'm not gonna punish you. [Lincoln and Clyde smiled at each other slyly, but suddenly, Coach gets furious.] "I AM GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!"
[Lincoln and Clyde run in horror while Coach gives them a chase. They run towards the other kids playing with the parachute and still chanting 'Clincoln McCloud' and are propelled into the air by the parachute, the same happens to Coach, they then run through the obstacle course, very proficiently, with Coach in hot pursuit, as they run through the tires, they see the crusher, they manage to dodge it and grab the ropes, Coach lunges at them but semmingly gets flattened, Lincoln and Clyde are relieved when suddenly Coach lifts the crusher right up, the boys scream in terror and climb the rope, Coach following them, they switch from the rope to the monkey bars and drop down on to the launch pad, they are launched over the barrier, front flipping before landing, Coach drops down on to the pad, but gets launched head first into the wodden barrier, giving himself a concussion, Lincoln and Clyde run over to him.]
Clyde: "Coach, are you okay?"
Coach Pacowski: [dazed] "I already scraped the barnacles, Ma."
[Lincoln and Clyde look at each other with concern.]
[At the Nurse's office, Coach comes to wearing bandages on his head, laying on the bed.]
Nurse Patti: "Oh, well, now that's quite a goose egg, Coach. Geez, how'd you do that?"
Coach Pacowski: "Uh, well, I uh-"
Lincoln: "He was just showing us the best way to run the obstacle course."
Nurse Patti: "Maybe you should stick to something a little less strenuous, eh, like um, mini-golf? Now that's my game. [She gestures to an array of photos on her wall of herself at 'Hole in Wonders of the World', resembling Coach's.]
Coach Pacowski: "Wait, you, you like mini-golf, Nurse Patti?"
Nurse Patti: "Like it? You're talking to the Royal Woods mini-golf queen."
Coach Pacowski: [Chuckles] "Well, you're talking to the Royal Woods mini-golf king."
Nurse Patti: "Oh, well I'll believe that when I see it."
Coach Pacowski: "Hey, how 'bout a round of golf with me tonight?"
Nurse Patti: "I'm in. Loser buys corn dogs and pop at the snack shack."
Coach Pacowski: "Deal!"
Clyde: "Looks like Coach found his lid, or his jar, [Ponders] still not sure."
Lincoln: "Which means a whole lot of parachute time for us." [Locks arms with Clyde]
Clyde: [Touched] "Remember this moment."
[Soon after the bell rings, and class starts, Mrs, Johnson storms inside, very upset.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Alright class, I'm gonna break it down for you. I had a lousy date last night and I'm not in a good mood, so it's pop quiz time!" [The kids' groan] "Pull out a sheet of paper and number it one to ten. Question 1: Your Mom's houseboat counts as a boat, true or false?" [After explaining the question, she notices Norm the school janitor at the door. Norm tips up his hat while Mrs. Johnson falls in love with him. That gives Lincoln and Clyde another plan as Lincoln ducks down under the desk to call Lori on his cellphone.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lori! Listen, I've got another friend who needs my dating help." [Lori speaks in inaudible gibberish thinking that it's still her brother who needs help, he's annoyed and angry by her assumption.] "No, it's not me!"
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