The following is a transcript for the pilot short.
[Opens up to a photo of a boy and ten girls who are his sisters around him; all except one of them are smiling.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Ever wonder what it's like to grow up in a big family? Well, don't let the picture fool you! It's not all sugar and spice. Don't believe me?" [opens door]
[Outside his room, there is much chaos going on caused by his sisters; such as a baby playing with pots and pans, one sister reading a poem, one sister dressed up like a mummy in some white cloth substance chasing another sister wearing a pretty dress who is screaming in terror, one sister playing Football in the house, one sister angrily chasing another grinning sister through the halls, and one sister playing on a guitar.]
Lincoln: "Welcome to...the Loud House."
[Depending on which version of the pilot you see, the title may or may not show up.]
Lincoln: [closes door and stretches a little] "Surviving in a big family can be challenging. Even the little things. Like getting a turn in the bathroom. Which is why I give you...[as he speaks, a caption with the following words shows up] 'Lincoln Loud's Three P's to go Poo and Pee'. You're gonna need Patience, Perseverance, and most importantly, Problem Solving. With these three steps, you'll get into the bathroom every time." [starts straining] "Which is important. Especially if you wait until the very last second to go!" [busts out comic book] "Into the breach!" [Heads out the door]
Lincoln: "Luna? A little traveling music?"
Luna: "You got it, bro. One, two three!" [starts jamming on her guitar and fulfills her brother's request.]
[Lincoln begins his journey down the hallway to the bathroom.]
Lucy: "Hey, Lincoln, you wanna hear my poem?"
Lincoln: "I do, but I have a pressing engagement."
[His funny sister Luan stops him in his tracks.]
Luan: ""Lincoln! Smell my new flower!" [squirts water from flower, but Lincoln ducks just in the nick of time.]
Lincoln: "Ha! Did you really think I'd fall for-"
Luan: [suddenly squirts water from a flower on her left shoe into Lincoln's mouth.] "It's not easy being this good." [laughs]
Lynn: "Clear the track!"
[Lincoln does a spit take and gets out of the way for Lynn.]
Lynn: "Comin' through!" [plays a bizarre sport involving wearing a football helmet, riding a motorbike, and hitting a tennis ball with a hockey stick; crashes into wall.] "SCORE!!!"
[Lincoln tries to continue but is stopped by his little sister Lola.]
Lola: "Hold it, Lincoln. Play 'Fashion Photographer' with me!"
Lincoln: "I would Lola, but I really have to-"
Lola: "YOU PLAY, OR I'LL TELL MOM YOU WERE READING COMICS ON THE ROOF IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AGAIN!"
Lincoln: [makes an embarrassed side glance to the viewers and then starts taking photos of Lola as she poses for the camera.] "Work the camera! Uh-huh! That's it! Show me what you got!"
Lily: [walking in the background] "Poo-poo!"
Lincoln: "Who's a beauty queen?"
[enter Lola's twin Lana carrying a pile of mud in her hands.]
Lola: "Hey! I'm working here!"
Lana: "Check out my mud pie! It's nice and squishy!" [squishes it and smears it all over Lola's face.]
Lincoln: [with too much pressure] "Gotta go!" [continues]
Lucy: [out of nowhere] "Now?"
Lincoln: "Still pressing!" [leaps over his little sister Lisa who is writing a mathematical formula on the wall.] "Don't forget to carry the 1!"[she glances at him]
Leni: [trying to use the vacuum cleaner] "Does anyone know how to turn on this sucky thingy?" [turns it on but also vacuums up Lincoln's shirt and pants leaving him in just his underwear now.] "Got it!"
[Lincoln is almost in the bathroom, but his oldest sister Lori cuts in front of him and refuses to let him in.]
Lori: "Beat it, twerp."
Lincoln: [hopping around] "Come on, Lori! No fair! I was here first!"
Lori: "Well, I was born first!" [shuts herself in the bathroom.]
[As Lincoln has to endure the pressure even longer, Lucy walks over.]
Lucy: "It looks like you have time now." [commences poem] "My love is like water. Bursting forth. Like a dam breaking. All control lost. Water rushing, churning, turning landscape to mud. Time runs out. Water. I feel the impending doom. My love"
[While she recites her poem, every word from it causes Lincoln to feel even more pressure and have to go even worse than before; suddenly, Lily walks by with a full diaper and the stink nauseates Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Ugh! Could clear a room!" [gets an idea] "Could clear a room! Time to put the third P: Problem Solving into action."
[In the bathroom, Lori is applying lipstick until she hears Lincoln opening the door.]
Lori: [irked] "I said I was-" [suddenly sees something horrifying and gasps.] "What are you doing with that?"
[The door closes and whatever is occurring cannot be seen, but it only causes Lori to panic.]
Lori: [terrified] "Lincoln, I'm warning you! Keep that thing away from me! Lincoln! LINCOLN!" [opens the door and runs out in horror.] "AAAAHHHH!!!"
[Lincoln comes out wearing the vacuum's nozzle like a gas mask and Lynn's football helmet for protection; his other sisters look on in bewilderment and Lincoln reveals that he held Lily's dirty diaper by Lynn's hockey stick as a way to chase Lori out of the bathroom.]
Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lola, Lana, and Lisa: [elated] "YAY!!!"
Lucy: [nonchalantly] "Yay..."
[A giggling Lily scurries across the hall now naked; Lincoln then tosses his literal baby sister's soiled padding into the trash.]
Lincoln: [wrapping up] "Like I said, surviving in a big family can be challenging. But it's not impossible. Now, if you'll excuse me...pressing engagement!" [closes door to finally use the toilet.] "AWW, YEAH! WOO, SWEET RELIEF! WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!!! [notices something] "Hey! We're out of toilet paper! Guys! There's no toilet paper! Someone! Can someone bring me a new roll?!"
[Unfortunately for him, his sisters are causing too much of a ruckus in the hall to hear his pleas.]
Lincoln: "CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?! ANYONE! PLEASE!!! HELP!!!"
[The title card for the show and its creator, either the original design or the final version for it, pops up for the Loud House.]