The following is a transcript for the episode “The Mad Scientist”.
[Lisa is in her room, giving a video chat presentation to a research institute about time travel.]
Lisa: "It was Einstein who first proposed the idea of time travel via wormholes, but now I, Lisa Loud, have come very close to actually creating one. All I need to figure out is how to harness the necessary energy to-" [Lucy pops up behind her] "Yah!"
Lucy: "I need you to take my pulse. I'm working on a breathing technique that lowers my heart rate to the point of barely being alive."
[Lucy rolls up her sleeve and Lisa checks her pulse.]
Lisa: "Nope, still quite robust."
Lucy: "Dang it." [Walks out] "I hate robust."
Lisa: [Returns to her video chat.] "Pardon the interruption. As I was saying-"
Lincoln: [As he and Lana jump out at Lisa.] "Hey Lis! We need your help. We found this cupcake behind the radiator." [Lana holds up a moldy cupcake.] "It's got a little mold on it, but can we still eat it?
Lisa: [Simply looking at the cupcake.] "Well, only if you want to ingest gangrenous ergotism, allometry toxic allucci, or stachybotrys chartarum."
Lincoln: [Cringing with disgust] "No thanks."
Lana: [Eating the cupcake] "You had me at 'gangrenous'".
Lisa: [Returning to her video chat, again.] "Apologies once again. Now, to contin-"
[Right at that point Luna jumps in with a power chord.]
Luna: "Yo, Brain Box. I'm playing a gig at Sunset Canyon tonight, and I need to make sure the oldies can hear me. Can you measure my decibel level?"
Lisa: "Not right now." [But before she finishes, Luna plays a chord so powerful it propels Lisa onto her desk. Lisa sighs.] "I think you should be fine, which is more than I can say for my beaker collection." [Jumps off her now damaged (but still functioning) computer.] I'm so sorry. It's not easy being a research scientist in a household populated by uncouth, disorderly siblings. I look forward to the day when I'll have somewhere quiet to work."
Dr. J: "Well, why not today?" [She has Lisa's attention.] "You're welcome to come spend this afternoon here at the institute." [Lisa is amazed by this offer.] "We have top notch facilities where you could continue your research, free of distractions."
Lisa: [Excited] "Really? That sounds phenomenal! I'd say 'I have butterflies,' but we both know that is just the reduction of blood flow to my stomach."
[Lisa smiles at the offer, and Lynn walks past the door, grunting, and then lets one rip, much to Lisa's annoyance.]
Lisa: "How soon can I come?"
[Later, Lisa is getting a tour of the institute.]
"♫The only gases I smell are the noble kind.
Dr. J: "Lisa, so glad you could join us for the day. Let me give you the tour. Over there is our biosphere, through that door is our nuclear fission facility, and those are the restrooms."
Lisa: "So when does the bathroom line typically form? I'd like to arrive early so I don't waste valuable research time."
Dr. J: "There's never a line."
Lisa: [Amazed] "Shut the anterior entry way."
Dr. J: [Opens the room door] "In here is the crown jewel of the institute, our research laboratory. It's at your disposal. Enjoy the quiet afternoon." [Closes the door behind Lisa.]
Lisa: "Erlenmeyer flasks, two-thousand milliliter beakers..." [gasps] "This place is every four year old's dream!" [Sighs, and breaks out in song. She starts by pointing to the noble gases on a periodic elements table.]
There's no better place for my scientific mind.
[The monkey is dancing with them.]'All my neurons are firing, this is where I belong!♫"
[Goes over to a monkey cage and lets it out.] Look, it's a chimp, I can observe how it swings.
[Writes complex equations on the blackboard.] This lab's so amazing, it's making me sing.
[Dances around with an arm load of test tubes, and throws them in the air like autumn leaves.] With so many test tubes my tests won't go wrong.
[Opens the window and some birds fly off the ledge.] This lab is where I belong.
[The monkey tries to mix some chemicals, but Lisa grabs him and starts dancing with it.] No wailing guitars, and no spooky sis.
[Spins the monkey away.] No cupcake dilemmas, you can even hear this.
[Pulls out a pin, and drops it, it makes a small noise as it lands.]
3 Scientists: [Poke their heads in the door.] Shh.
[Lisa smiles and returns to her song, she is now on a 'quantum equations' background.] It's quantum equations, ''[She's now looking at Saturn through a telescope.] it's Saturn's bright rings.
[Slides down the telescope's stairs and past some of the other scientists who are all the same person, and pulls them over.] When you're working with colleagues, and not with your siblings.
[She and the scientist(s) start can-caning.] With such fine equipment my work can't go wrong.
[With the song over she starts her research.]
[Later, she is giving a presentation of her findings.]
Lisa: "Esteemed colleagues, I believe I have cracked it, by combining super magnets, nuclear fission, and banana peels, one can produce the necessary energy to open a wormhole large enough for a human being to pass through, boom, time travel.
Dr. J: Brilliant! [She and the other scientist stand up and applaud.] An epic achievement.
Lisa: Thank you, Dr. Jelson. I couldn't have done it without the opportunity to work in such an optimal environment. I also had a marvelous time in the bathroom. In fact, I think I'll visit it on the way out. [starts to leave]
Dr. J: Wait! You don't have to go. Look at all you've accomplished in half a day. Imagine if you were here full time.
Lisa: [smiles] I'm honored! I'd say I have a lump in my throat, but we both know it's merely the tightening of my esophageal stricture.
[Cuts to Lisa video chatting with her parents, who have concerned looks.]
Lynn Sr.: "You wanna stay there? Look, I don't understand, honey, what's wrong with working from home?"
[Just then, Lisa's siblings come by, being their usual chaotic selves. Lola is running away from Lana, who has Bitey in her hands, Lynn is bouncing on a pogo stick, Luna and Lily are playing with drums, and Leni is chasing a dollar bill hung on a fishing pole, controlled by Luan.]
Lisa: "It has it’s distractions."
Rita: "Okay, true, but that doesn't mean you have to leave your family and move to some institute."
[Just then, Lisa's siblings appear, having heard what their mother said.]
Luan: "Wait, Lisa's leaving us?"
Lola: "What's an 'institute?'"
Rita: "Honey, you've never been away from home. Plus, you're 4."
Lisa: "I anticipated this reaction. [Holds up pie chart] And so I constructed this pie chart detailing my psychological make-up. The green area represents scientific pursuit. Which, as you can see, makes up 97%. The orange slice at 2%, represents my affinity for West Coast Rap. And finally the blue sliver, at 1%, represents my emotional attachments."
Luna: "Dang. You're as cold as ice, brah."
Lisa: "All I'm saying is that research is my life, and this is a huge opportunity."
Lynn Sr.: [To Rita] "Well, what do you think, honey?"
Rita: [To Lisa] "Well sweetie, you've always been... independent. I guess we can give it a try."
Lisa: [Excited] "Yes!"
[Her siblings mutter their goodbyes.]
Lynn: "I call dibs on her room!" [Then remembers something] "Oh, wait, Lily's in that room. Never mind!"
Lily: [Insulted] "Poo-poo!" [Blows raspberries at Lynn. Once the kids are out of sight, Lynn Sr. starts crying.]
Lisa: "Now, now, paterfamilias, what you're experiencing is merely the release of an endorphin called leucine enkephalin, which helps to improve mood, and rid the body of toxins. You'll be over it shortly. [Lynn Sr. starts sobbing even harder.] Some people take longer than others."
[Later, Lisa is mixing chemicals when she hears a rumbling noise.]
Lisa: [Confused] "Hmm, that's an unexpected reaction." [Hears it again and realizes that it's not the chemicals, but her stomach.] "Oh, it's my tummy." [looks at the potato clock.] "Six-o-clock already? Wow, time sure flies when you're synthesizing chemicals." [She skips her way to the cafeteria, grabs a tray, and gets in the line.] "I'm so hungry I could eat an equus caballus." [Lifts her tray, and the robot serving food picks up a plate, squirts out a green, gelatinous cube, and places it on Lisa's tray. Much to her confusion, and slight disappointment.] "What in the name of Pythagoras is this?"
Lab Scientist: [Joining Lisa in line]"It's a nutrient rich cube filled with all the essential vitamins one needs for maximum brain efficiency."
Lisa: Whilst I see the merit, it's not exactly my father's meatloaf."
Lab Scientist: "Try not to fill up. There's mint chip ice cream for dessert."
Lisa: [Excited] "Ooh, now you're talking-Ow!"
[The robot stabs her in the back with a needle and gives her a shot.]
Lab Scientist: In injection form of course."
Robot: [Holding a second needle filled with sprinkles.] "Sprinkles?"
Lisa: [Not wanting another shot] "No! No! I'm good!" [Makes a run for it. Later, she joins some other scientists in the lounge.] Greetings colleagues, anyone down for some Dream Boat?
[Turns on the TV to the Dream Boat.]
TV Announcer: "Coming up on the Dream Boat."
[Lisa turns to her fellow scientists with an excited look, but the scientists just look at each other with no clue.]
Lisa: "What? You guys don't know the Dream Boat? It's my family's favorite show! Oh, you're in for a treat. Let me just catch you up a little bit. Last season Karen made Blaine walk the plank, but now he's the one setting sail for love, and these gals here are-" [Turns around and sees the scientists have left.] "Oh." [Turns off the TV]
[Cuts to Lisa getting ready for bed, and unpacking her stuff.]
Lisa: "Hm. [Takes out peanut butter and jelly sandwich jar.] What's this?" [Sees a note attached and reads it.] Dear sis, I packed this in case you want your usual bedtime PB&J, since I won't be there to make it for you. Lincoln. Oh, how thoughtful. I suppose I could go for a snack. Shouldn't be too hard to figure this out. I mean, I did crack time travel today. [Chuckles. Later, she is covered in peanut butter and jelly, as is her entire kitchen quarters.] "How does he do it?!" [Later, she is in her pajamas, but struggling to reach the zipper on the back.] "Darn zipper! Why is this so hard?” [Has a flashback to Leni, also wearing footie pajamas, doing it for her, and then both of them wiggling their behinds. End of flashback.] "Oh, that's why." [Later, she is lying in bed, wide awake, she tries to sleep but can't.] "Why am I having so much trouble falling asleep?"
[She has another flashback to Lori reading Lily a bedtime story, which apparently also helped Lisa fall asleep.]
Lori: "Good night, Mr. Cow. Good night, Mrs. Sheep. The sun has gone down, it's time now for sleep."
[End of flashback]
Lisa: [sad] “Oh, that's why.” [Gets up, goes to the bookshelf, and picks up a book.] "'Plutonium Physics Volume One'. Mmh, I guess this'll do." [Later, she is asleep, but not very soundly, she wakens with a start, and runs to the door.] "Mother! Father! I had a nightmare!" [Realizes] "Oh, right. I'm not home." [Sad, looks at the skeletal model, and tries sleeping with it, she then starts tearing up.] "Salinity filled fluid leaking from my nasolacrimal duct?" [Sniffles] "Slippery secretin from my mucus membranes?" [Grabs the skeleton again, resulting in its head falling off.] "This can only lead me to one conclusion..."
[The next morning, she is video chatting with her family again.]
Lisa: "Family, I've called to correct my earlier findings. I now have a more accurate understanding of my psychological make-up." [Shows them her new pie chart.] "As you can see from this revised pie chart, West Coast Rap still stands at two percent, but scientific pursuit is now forty-eight percent, and emotional attachment has expanded to a whopping fifty percent. What I'm trying to say is, you guys mean a lot to me, I'm sorry I didn't see that until now, I really miss you.
Lisa's Family: "Aww!"
Rita: "Honey, we miss you too."
Lynn Sr.: "Why don't you come home?"
[The kids plea bargain with Lisa to come home.]
Lisa: "I'd love to but, I'm afraid that's not possible. Leaving now would cause irreparable damage to my reputation and future career prospects.
Leni: [Disappointed] "Aw, if only you could go back in time and never visit that weird old science place to begin with.
Lisa: "Aw, sweet, simple Leni, I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Anyway family, I'd better go, I have to prepare another presentation on time travel." [Starts to leave, but suddenly she gets an idea. Later, she is in the lab with her time machine, loading it up with the materials she described the previous day.] "Okay, magnets, plutonium, banana peels." [Closes the chamber and sets the dial for the yesterday, she dawns her goggles as the machine warms up.] "Let's hope my theory actually works." [Watches, and the wormhole opens up much to her excitement.] "Yes, the wormhole!" [Approaches it] "Hope you're watching this, Einstein!" [Prepares to jump] "Here goes nothing. Better not end up in the dark ages."
[Jumps, and is sucked right into the wormhole.]
Time Machine: "Transport to 9:27 a.m. yesterday."
[Lisa lands at the Loud House, during her video chat with the scientists yesterday.]
Lisa: [Shakes her head with dizziness, and looks around to find out she is home.] "I made it!" [wonders about something, and takes her shoes off.] "Yep," [wiggles her toes] "All eleven toes, still there."
Lily: [Who is in her crib, confused] "Goo?"
Lisa: [To Lily] "Shh, someday I'll explain it to you."
Dr. J: [Through the video chat] "You're welcome to come spend this afternoon here at the institute." [Lisa looks at her] "We have top notch facilities where you could continue your research, free of distractions."
Lisa: [Looks at the audience, and returns to her video chat.] "A very generous offer Dr. J, but I'm good right here, where I belong." [Calls to Lincoln] "Hey, Lincoln! Think I could get one of your famous PB&Js?
Lincoln: [From downstairs] "Lisa style, coming right up!"
[Smiles, then Lynn walks past the door like she did in the original timeline, and forces her fart out again.]
[Lily laughs, and Lisa smiles to the audience again as the episode irises out.]
Lisa: [Sighs happily] "Home, sweet home."
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