The following is a transcript for the episode "The Old and the Restless".
[Vanzilla pulls over into the retirement home and Lincoln comes out.]
Rita: "Have fun with Pop-Pop honey, I'll see you at 6:00!"
[An elderly man is coming out with a box of his belongings.]
Elderly Man: "But..but...but...but..."
Sue: [pushing the elderly man out of retirement home.] "If you would've had your butt home by curfew, you'd still have a place to live!"
[Lincoln enters retirement home and rings the bell; an elderly man taps Lincoln's shoulder then tip-toes to the side.]
Albert: "Ha, ha, ha!"
Lincoln: "Your new place looks nice!"
Albert: "Thanks kiddo. It took me months to get in here. I had to wait for three people to kick the bu-uh, move out. This place has got a pool, shuffleboard tournaments, and it's filled with all my old pals. I'm really loving it here. So, what's on the day's agenda?"
Lincoln: "I got our whole day planned: arcade, carnival, maybe laser tag?"
Sue: "Wowsers!" [chuckles] "That sounds like oodles of fun...if you wanna end up in the ER. I think your grandfather will be happier spending the day here at Sunset Canyon. Right, Albert?"
Albert: [sadly] "Oh, yes, of course. Good call, Sue."
Lincoln: "But Pop-Pop-"
Albert: "It's okay, Lincoln. Sue here takes real care of us. She knows best."
[Scoots comes speeding on her electrical scooter.]
Sue: "Scoots!" [pulls out a velocity speed gun] "You're going 5 miles over the speed limit! Someone just lost her pudding privileges." [runs after the speeding elder] "Get back here!"
Lincoln: [Looks at his grandfather all happy.] "Hey, how 'bout a swim?"
[Albert obliges and walks with Lincoln.]
[Cut to the pool where Lincoln and Albert run to the pool.]
[They both stop as they here Sue's whistle.]
Sue: "Cannonball? That sounds like a hoot, if you want to break a hip. Do you want to break a hip Albert?"
[Albert shakes his head in a nerveless agreement.]
Sue: "Then why don't you grab a seat on the helper chair?
[An elder is on the helper chair with a line of elders waiting for their turn.]
Albert: [Disappointed] "Good call, Sue." [Walks towards the helper chair.]
Sue: [Looks towards Lincoln] "And speaking of pool safety, I have something for you, young man." [smiling evilly]
[Lincoln is floating unhappy in the pool, wearing a life vest and water nose-plugs.]
Albert: "Okay Lincoln splash fight in 3, 2,-" [gets interrupted by Sue's whistle.]
Sue: "Everybody out! Time to reapply sunblock."
Albert: [Disappointed] "Aww".
[He goes back up in the helper chair.]
Lincoln: [looks at Sue, confused] "But we're indoors."
Albert: [Still disappointed; looks at Lincoln] "Now Lincoln, Sue knows best."
[Lincoln swims away off-screen.]
Seymour: [In the pool on a purple pool noodle.] "But Sue I-I just got the hang of this noodle, and I-" [gets interrupted by Sue.]
Sue: "Okay, Seymour, you can stay in the water. If you want your skin to flake off like a burnt potato!"
Seymour: [Disappointed, paddling backwards] "Oh, good call, Sue."
[Cut to room where Albert and Lincoln are playing Twister. Lincoln spins the board.]
Lincoln: "Left foot red!"
[Albert tries to stretches his left foot onto a red panel and blows a raspberry upon placing it. Lincoln spins again, but Sue stomps on the arrow.]
Sue: "Well, doesn't this look like a great way to end up in traction? Why don't you go help Scoots with her cat puzzle?"
[Scoots is eating from the pudding dispenser despite having her privileges taken away.]
Sue: [blows her whistle] "I EXPRESSLY SAID NO PUDDING!"
Scoots: "You'll never catch me, SHREW!" [laughs and scoots off while Sue gives chase and keeps blowing her whistle.]
Lincoln: "Pop-Pop, you really need a nap?"
Albert: [in bed] "Those are Sue's rules and Sue knows best."
Lincoln: "Can't you see what Sue's done to you? She's convinced you you're old and frail. But you're not. The last time we hung out, you crushed those Navy SEAL's in paintball."
[Flashback to the SEAL's screaming and being splattered by Albert who comes swinging on a vine vigorously; end flashback.]
Albert: "Ho, ho. I took it to 'em. But that was years ago, Lincoln."
Lincoln: "It was last month. Pop-Pop, I think we should go have a fun day out on the town like we used to."
Albert: "Okay, you sold me. Let's blow this popsicle stand!"
[Sue is monitoring the lobby when she spots Lincoln and Pop-Pop heading out the door.]
Sue: "Where are you two Peppy Pete's off to? Albert, shouldn't you be in bed?"
Lincoln: "He's not tired."
Sue: [sarcastic] "Oh, I didn't realize we had a geriatric expert on the premises."
Lincoln: "We're just going out to have some fun."
Sue: "Well, that sounds like a good way to miss our 6:00 PM curfew. And you know what happens if you miss curfew. You'll be out on your proverbial keister!"
Albert: [nervous] "Uh...come on, Lincoln. Race you to the shuffleboard court."
Lincoln: "Pop-Pop, no. We're gonna have a great time, and I promise we'll be back by 6:00 o'clock curfew."
Albert: "Hm, okay, kiddo. Lead the way."
[Just as they're about to leave, Sue points to her watch to remind Lincoln not to be late as he smiles nervously.]
[At Dine 'N' Dance, Lincoln and Albert are ordering lunch.]
Lincoln: "Two cheeseburgers, two fries, and two chocolate shakes."
Albert: "Oh, not for me. I'll just have the cottage cheese and melon slices." [His grandson looks at him confused.] "Sue says I should stick to food that's a little easier to digest."
Lincoln: "This from the guy who cleaned out an entire Chinese buffet?"
[Flashback to Albert eating everything at the buffet, forcing the family who owns the restaurant to close up shop; end flashback.]
Albert: [chuckles] "I took it to 'em. Ah, what the heck? I'll have what he's havin'. And put chili on everything!"
[After lunch, Lincoln and Albert are stuff and Albert passes gas.]
Albert: "Who stepped on a frog?"
Waitress: [announcing] "Hey, hap cats and kittens! It's time to do the twist!"
[A 50's style greaser dances with one of the waitresses and another waitress offers to dance with Albert.]
Albert: [unsure] "Uh, thank you, but I really shouldn't. Sue says dancing is a great way to slip a disk."
Lincoln: "But, Pop-Pop, you love to dance."
Albert: "They did call me "Jitterbug" in the Army." [dances with the waitress after all.]
Waitress: "Woo-hoo!" [laughs gleefully while dancing with Albert.]
[Lincoln and Albert are now playing Laser Tag. Lincoln fires at Albert, but he dodges the shot and blasts Lincoln's vest, thus eliminating his grandson. But then, a little girl easily takes him out.]
Albert: "Oh, you got me!" [pretends to keel over much to the girl's confusion.]
[Now they're riding bumper cars and ram into each other, causing Albert's dentures to fly out and hit Lincoln's forehead as they laugh. They then drink Flippees really fast to see who can finish theirs first.]
Lincoln: [feeling the pain] "Aah! Brain freeze!"
Albert: [finishes his] "Winner!"
[They then go mountain climbing, reach the top, admire the view and high-five. Later, Lincoln gets him and his Pop-Pop two hot dogs and notices he made a new friend.]
Albert: "Lincoln, my new friend T-Bone here was just telling me about a mechanical bull riding competition."
Lincoln: "We should be heading back. It's almost 6:00, and Sue said-"
Albert: "Aw, nuts to Sue! You were right about her! She got me thinking I'm an old geezer. But I still got some pep in my step." [shows off a few dance moves.] "Huh? Huh?"
Lincoln: "Yeah, but Sue said if we miss curfew, you'll be out on your proverbial keister."
Albert: [finishes his hot dog] "You let me deal with Sue. Now, you ready to saddle up?"
Lincoln: "Pop-Pop, we can't."
Albert: "Okay, worrywart, then I'm outta here. Let's ride, T-Bone!"
[The biker and the geezer head off.]
Lincoln: "Pop-Pop, wait! What have I done?" [chases after his Pop-Pop down the street and spots the motorcycle parked next to a bar.] "T-Bone's bike!" [enters the bar and can't find his Pop-Pop anywhere.] "Mr. Bone, do you know where my grandpa is?"
T-Bone: "Oh, you mean Cowboy Al? Haven't seen him since he won the competition."
[T-Bone shows a recording he took of Albert on the mechanical bull on his phone.]
Recording Albert: "YEE-HAW!"
Lincoln: "Well, if he's not here, where is he?"
[A baseball game is on the bar's TV.]
Sportscaster: "Martinez goes back for the catch, and...what in blazes? There's an old man on the field, in his boxers! And there go the boxers."
[Lincoln covers his eyes upon hearing that last part.]
Lincoln: "To the ballpark!" [leaves the bar]
[Sterrett Field. Albert gets kicked out for that little incident and a crowd comes raging out and seems to have carried him off. Now Albert is skateboarding off a half-pipe and lands right on a breakdancing stage in style. The heavy metal band Horns on a Rabbit then grabs him and takes him in their van where he performs sax on stage with them with the crowd raving as he then performs a stage dive outside of the theater with Lincoln trying to catch up every which way to no avail.]
Lincoln: "Pop-Pop's curfew is in 30 minutes."
[He then looks up to see that he's riding a plane, skywriting "Pop-Pop Rules". He grabs some passerby's glasses to get a better look while said passerby crashes off-screen.]
Albert: "LOOK OUT, WORLD! ALBERT'S ABOUT TO TAKE IT TO YA!" [jumps out of the plane] "YAHOO-AH!"
[Lincoln yelps and rushes to where Albert's gonna land; the old man lands somewhere in the trees nearby and lets out a fart.]
Albert: "Whoops! Guess I had too much chili. Sorry, kiddo. I think I overdid it a little today."
Lincoln: "That's okay, Pop-Pop. If we hurry, we can still get you back in time. Hold on." [proceeds to get him down.]
[Back at Sunset Canyon, Lincoln and Albert reach the front door only to find that Sue's patrolling the lobby again and split up. She gets out her keys, ready to lock up, and looks at her watch which shows it's a few minutes before curfew.]
Sue: "Ah, close enough." [locks up]
[Lincoln tries to open the front door, but it's no use.]
Lincoln: "Dang it!"
Sue: [on voice box] "Attention, residents! Time for room check!"
Albert: "Double dang it!"
Bernie: "Psst! Al! Up here!"
[Lincoln and Albert turn to the others at their windows.]
Bernie: "We saw you at the ball game on TV. Didn't know you were a boxers guy."
Seymour: "I saw your name in the sky, Al. You really do rule!"
Scoots: "We're not gonna let Shrew kick you outta here. Come on, you old farts! I need your canes!"
[Lincoln and Albert smile with hope; meanwhile, Sue's checking on the rooms.]
Sue: "Evening, Melba. Ah ah ah! No liquids before bed."
[Scoots hooks Seymour and Bernie's canes down to Lincoln and Albert who use them like a climbing rope and get up to her room, but Sue is checking up on that room next only to see Scoots.]
Scoots: [chuckles] "Just workin' on my cat puzzle."
[As soon as Sue leaves, Lincoln and Albert pop out from behind her sofa.]
Lincoln and Albert: "Phew."
Sue: [preparing to check Albert's room] "Albert?"
[Seymour comes out in a towel holding a shower head.]
Seymour: "Sue! Help! I can't turn my shower off!"
[Sue goes into Seymour's room to help him out and Albert and Lincoln sneak over to the door to Albert's room only to find it's locked. Albert checks his pockets.]
Albert: "Nuts. Can't find my key."
Bernie: "I got ya. You gave me a spare."
[They enter Bernie's room and get the spare key.]
Lincoln: "Thanks, Bernie."
[They use the key and get into Albert's room.]
Lincoln: "We did it!"
Albert: "We sure took it to Sue."
[They fist bump, but...]
Sue: "Oh, did you, now?"
[It's revealed that she was waiting in his bed and has caught them in the act. Now, Albert is being kicked out of the home.]
Sue: "No buts. You missed curfew and it's out on your keister!"
Lincoln: "I'm sorry, Pop-Pop. I never should have made you leave today. And now you're getting kicked out. I know how much you loved it here."
Albert: "No worries, kiddo. I regret nothing. You see that day we just had? I don't wanna be livin' in a place that makes me feel like an old geezer anyhow."
[Lincoln smiles at what his Pop-Pop just said.]
Sue: "Who cares? Let's get moving."
Scoots: "Hold on there, Shrew. If you kick Albert out, then you gotta kick me out, too."
Sue: [mercilessly] "With pleasure."
Seymour: "And us, too!"
[All the seniors are shown to be standing up for Albert.]
Bernie: "Yeah! You won't have much of a seniors' center without seniors! Zing! That's a burn from Bernie!"
[The seniors and Sue eye each other back and forth.]
Sue: [defeated] "Fine! Albert stays! NOW GO BACK TO YOUR ROOMS!"
Albert: "We'll go back when we're good and ready! We're not babies and you're gonna stop treating us that way!"
[Sue viciously snaps her clipboard in half and stomps away while the seniors and Lincoln hold Albert, but that proves to be a mistake as they drop him on their frail and old bodies and moan in pain.]
Albert: "There goes the hip."
[Rita drives the van up to pick up Lincoln with his grandpa waving to his daughter.]
Rita: "Hi, Dad! Come on, Lincoln!"
Albert: "So long, kiddo! I can't wait for your next visit." [winks] "And, bring your chaps in case we wanna do some bull riding."
Lincoln: "And my parachute."
Seymour: [from inside.] "Hey, Big Al! We're having a celebratory late night swim! Go grab your trunks!"
Albert: "Don't need 'em! Till next time, Lincoln!" [heads inside and takes off all his clothes, throwing them out at the van.]
Scoots: "Now this guy knows how to party!"
[The awkward expression on Lincoln's face indicates he doesn't want to see that.]
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