The following is a transcript for the episode "The Sweet Spot".
[Nighttime in the Loud house, Lincoln is getting ready and is packing up for tomorrow's road trip.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Ah, road trips. That beloved tradition for families everywhere. Tomorrow, the Loud family's going on a trip of our own. Sounds fun, right? Not with 13 of us packed into the family wagon. Or as we affectionately call it: 'Vanzilla'. [looks down at the family van] Every seat in Vanzilla offers one kind of torture or another." [pulls up his mattress to reveal the above view of the van; circles the third seat from the front row] "Getting stuck next to Lily's car seat is no good."
[Flashback; Lincoln is seen reading his book. Offscreen, Lily's saliva gets on it.]
Lincoln: "Gah! Lily!"
[Giggling, Lily throws a beet, juice, and finally another beet at Lincoln. The boy is rendered unconscious.]
[Cut back to Lincoln's room; Lincoln x's out that seat and points to the back row.]
Lincoln: "The back row is so far away from Mom and Dad, that it turns into the wild, wild west."
[Flashback; Lola and Lana look at each other angrily while Lincoln is seen with a comic book and soda between them.]
Lola: "Stop looking at me."
Lana: "You stop looking at me!"
[Lola and Lana fight near Lincoln. The fight stops shortly with Lincoln looking messy.]
Lincoln: "Come on! We haven't even left the driveway yet!"
[Cut back to Lincoln's room; Lincoln crosses out the back row and points to the first seat from the front.]
Lincoln: "And this seat has the exact opposite problem."
Lincoln: [voiceover] "It's right in Dad's sight line."
Lynn Sr.: "Feet off the seat!"
[Lincoln looks at Lynn Sr., whose furious eyes can be seen in the driver's mirror. He scowls and takes his foot off; a sappy tune plays over the radio.]
Lincoln: "Plus, it's next to the one-working speaker."
Lynn Sr.: "Ooh, honey. It's our prom theme. Prrrrrrrr!"
[He turns up the music even louder, much to Lincoln's annoyance.]
[Cut back to Lincoln's room; he x's out that seat.]
Lincoln: "And the rest of the seats only get worse." [shown here are still flashbacks of Lincoln on the other seats that aren't useful for him.] "There's the sticky, the soggy, the springy, and the slanty. [x's out more seats until he points to the first seat from the second row.] From my calculations, that leaves just one seat safe from it all. I call it 'The Sweet Spot.' And tomorrow, it will be mine, 'cause I'm gonna stake it out tonight."
[Lincoln notices that everyone else in the house has fallen asleep.]
Lincoln: "There's my cue. Everyone's asleep." [Lincoln grabs his duffle bag] "It's go time."
[Lincoln tiptoes out of his room. He steps on Cliff's tail. Cliff meows loudly in pain until Lincoln pets him to sleep. He goes out the house and into the car.]
Lincoln: [takes out his radio] "Come in, Nose Bleeder. This is Road Tripper."
Clyde: "Sorry, Road Tripper. I have to keep the line for my friend Lincoln."
Lincoln: "This is Lincoln.
Clyde: "Oh. Hi, Lincoln!"
Lincoln: "Operation Sweet Spot is a success. I've secured the seat.
Clyde: "Great job. [pause] So, who did you get to sit next to you?"
Lincoln: "Who did I get to sit next to me?"
[Lincoln shouts in anger and goes back to his room.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "I'm sorry you had to see that. Having the wrong sister next to me could totally wreck the sweet spot. Okay, it definitely can't be Luan."
[Flashback; Lincoln is sitting next to Luan in the car.]
Luan: [hits Lincoln with a pillow] "Airbag deployed!" [Laughs]
Lincoln: "And it can't be Lola."
[switch over to Lola giving Lincoln a manicure while his hand is oddly bobbing up and down.]
Lola: "Hold still!"
Lincoln: [voice vibrating; bobbing up and down due to the spring] "I can't! I'm on the spring seat!"
[Switch over to when he sat next to Lynn.]
Lincoln: "And it can't be Lynn."
Lynn: "Let's play Auto Attack."
Lincoln: "How do you play that?"
Lynn: "I punch you every time I see a car." [sees a car carrier with a ton of cars driving by.] "Ooh...good timing." [starts throwing a barrage of punches at Lincoln; end flashback.]
Lincoln: "I got it! Leni!"
[Flashback to a road trip with a dazed Leni with Lincoln looking at her.]
Lincoln: "The motion of the car always puts her in a daze, and she'll leave me alone."
[End flashback; Lincoln goes to Lori and Leni's room.]
Leni: [having a fashion nightmare] "Oh, scrunchies! Oh, leg warmers!"
Lincoln: "Leni. Leni! LENI!" [shakes her awake] "Oh, good. You're awake. Listen. Will you sit next to me in the car tomorrow?"
Leni: "Sure. I mean, it's the least you could do. You did just save me from a bad fashion nightmare." [goes back to sleep]
Lincoln: "Yes!" [leaves]
Leni: [having another nightmare] "SOCKS WITH SANDALS!"
[Lincoln sneaks back to the Sweet Spot.]
Lincoln: [on radio] "Road Tripper to Nose Bleeder."
Clyde: "Sorry, Road Tripper. I have to keep this line-"
Lincoln: "It's Lincoln! Operation: Seat Next To The Sweet Spot is a success."
Clyde: "Excellent! [pause] So, who's sitting behind you?"
Lincoln: "Who's sitting behind me?" [shouts in anger again; back in his room.] "Ah, so many ways to ruin the Sweet Spot! All right, who can I have behind me? Definitely not Lana."
[Flashback to Lana sitting behind Lincoln and torturing him with a peashooter.]
Lincoln: "Can you please stop?"
[Lana fires a pea right into his mouth and he starts choking; flashback to a trip where Lori was behind him.]
Lincoln: "Definitely not Lori. She spends the whole ride texting with Bobby. Which means..."
Lori: [gags from nausea] "CARSICK!" [throws up on Lincoln and takes a picture of her vomit.] "I totally have to text that to Bobby! What did I eat?"
Lincoln: "I got it! Lisa! True, she won't shut up about all the dangers of car travel..."
[Flashback to Lisa behind Lincoln.]
Lisa: "Tires could blow, a low-flying plane could shear the roof off, the brakes could fail, and we could plunge off a cliff..."
[Lincoln gets notably irritated from her babbling; end flashback.]
Lincoln: "...but the beauty of the Sweet Spot is that it has one working window. The wind of the road will drown her out." [Making a deal with Lisa] "So, you'll sit behind me tomorrow?"
Lisa: "Sure. It's safer there anyway in case the engine comes loose and flies into the car, crushing everyone up front." [goes back to sleep]
Lincoln: "That window better work."
[As Lincoln continues setting the arrangements...]
Lisa: "Hey, Lincoln?"
Lincoln: [yelps and hides the chart] "What Sweet Spot? I mean, hey!"
Lisa: "I have one addendum to our legally binding verbal agreement. I'll sit behind you only if Luna's not next to me. Her singing gives me an extreme case of tinnitus."
[Flashback to an irritated Lisa sitting next to Luna, who's wailing to her music.]
Lisa: "Where is a low-flying plane when you need one?"
Lincoln: "No problem. I think I can move some things around to accommodate you."
[Lisa leaves, Lincoln looks at the chart again and talks to Luna about Lisa's request.]
Luna: "Sure. I'll sit up front, dude. As long as Lori isn't near me. I don't need to get ralphed on by the Princess of Puke."
[Eventually, Lincoln makes many seating negotiations with his sisters and arranges it perfectly.]
Lincoln: "And Leni goes here, and we're done!"
[Back to the Sweet Spot.]
Lincoln: [on radio] "Road Tripper to Nose Bleeder. Operation: Fill All The Sweets Around The Sweet Spot is complete."
Clyde: "That's awesome. But what about the-"
[Before Clyde can finish, Lincoln abruptly tosses the radio out of the car to a tree, smashing it and rolls up the window.]
Lincoln: "Sorry, Nose Bleeder, but your questions are compromising the mission." [yawns] "Now, to get a little shuteye." [fluffs up his travel bag and uses it as a pillow as he sleeps.]
[Just then, there's a banging at the window, waking him up and it's revealed to be his sisters looking pretty miffed.]
Lincoln: [rolls down the window] "Hey, guys. What's up?"
Lola: "What are you up to, Lincoln?"
Lincoln: [acting] "Me? I'm not up to anything. Just, you know, catching some Z's in the car like guys do."
Lori: [livid] "Oh yeah? Then what's...THIS?"
[They show Lincoln his seating chart, having found out about his operation.]
Lincoln: [infuriated] "You went in my room?!"
Lori: "That's not the hot issue right now."
Lana: "What's the Sweet Spot? And why are you in it?"
Lincoln: "Oh, it's, uh...it's the worst seat in the whole car! I put myself in it so none of you would have to suffer."
Lucy: "Then why is it called the Sweet Spot?"
Lincoln: "Because I'm being sweet?"
Lisa: [calculating on the trunk door] "According to my calculations, the Sweet Spot is actually the best seat in the car for various reasons including air circulation, proximity to parental units, and the lack of chewable adhesive on the cushion."
Lincoln: [outraged] "It took me eight months to figure that out!" [He facepalms in frustration, as his sisters glare angrily at him.]
Lori: "Well, if that's the best seat, then I should get it. [looks down at her siblings] I'm the oldest."
Luna: "You'd just barf all over it, dude! I should have it!"
Lola: "Beauty before age!"
Lana: [retorts] "Yeah! So I should get it!"
Luna: "That seat belongs to me!"
Leni: "No! I want it!"
Lincoln: "You can yell all you want, but I'm already in the seat. And possession is 9/10 of the law."
Lynn: [threatening] "You're gonna possess a bruise in a minute!"
[The girls all glare at Lincoln, demanding him to hand over the Sweet Spot.]
Lana: "Get him!"
[Lincoln ducks down, rolls up the window, and locks the door, before they can attack and thinks he's safe. His sisters angrily yell at him, as he stares at them and laughs in triumph, but to Lincoln's shock, Luan opens a door and is peeved.]
Lincoln: [laments] "Dang it. I forgot about the broken lock."
[Luan tackles Lincoln and he tries to get out, but she pulls him back. Luna tackles him as well, followed by everyone else joining in.]
Lincoln: "Let go of me!"
[They all start fighting over the Sweet Spot at an intense level that causes everyone in the neighborhood to wake up over the commotion. The doors then close. A light goes on from upstairs; Rita is there.]
Rita: [from Lori and Leni's room] "THAT IS ENOUGH!"
[The kids stop fighting.]
Rita: "EVERYONE, BACK TO THEIR ROOMS THIS MINUTE! I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE IN THAT CAR UNTIL 7:00 AM!" [rolls window down and turns off light; the girls exit Vanzilla back into the house.]
Lori: "Good luck getting the Sweet Spot now."
[The girls laugh at him and Lincoln growls at the situation in anger and punches the car only to wince in pain from it. He covers his mouth to silence himself then runs back in his room.]
Lincoln: [panicking] "This is bad! I can't lose that seat!" [peeks out of his room to see his sisters doing the same.]
Lynn: "Don't even think about it, Lincoln. I'm watching you."
Lori: "Well, I'm watching you."
Lola: And I'm watching you!
Lana: "And I'm watching you!"
Lincoln: [shuts the door] "Ugh! Okay. I just have to be the first one out the door tomorrow." [his eyes close]
At 6:30 AM: [Lincoln's alarm goes off.]
Lincoln: [wakes up and gasps] "Only 30 minutes until Operation: Save the Sweet Spot-" [yawns and slaps himself awake] "Come on, man! Stay with me!"
At 6:35 AM: [Lincoln is dancing.]
At 6:40 AM: [Lincoln is doing push-ups and some aerobics.]
At 6:45 AM: [Lincoln pours orange juice all over his head.]
[Lincoln takes a quick peek, only to see that his sisters are just as ready as he is; the clock hits 7:00 AM.]
[Lincoln and his sisters all rush for the door to get to the Sweet Spot first; the others shove Lincoln and Luna off the stairs and burst out the door; Luan gets knocked into the yard from behind by Lana; Lori opens the door, but Lynn pulls her back; Lincoln dives in, but Luan pounces him; Leni attacks them and Lisa gets on the roof of the car and wails like a maniac; Lana beans her with beets and Lola tackles her; the fight gets so out of hand and brutal that the onslaught wrecks Vanzilla down to scraps, as the dust bubble expanded.]
Lynn Sr.: "ENOUGH!!!"
[Vanzilla is completely destroyed and the fight is over; clearly, no one gets the Sweet Spot.]
Lynn Sr.: [weeping] "That was my first car! And my dad's first car! And his dad's first car!" [continues to sob]
Rita: [enraged] "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, BACK INSIDE! THE ROAD TRIP IS OFF! YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND SITTING TOGETHER IN THE LIVING ROOM UNTIL YOU LEARN TO GET ALONG!!!"
”’Kids (except Lily):”’ “Awww!”
[A defeated Lincoln walks back in his room and furiously puts his duffle bag on his dresser.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "I'm sorry you had to see that. [He shuts his door] Well, Operation: Sweet Spot went sour. I guess I should have known that in a family this big, you just can't control every little thing." [slyly] "That said, there's a Sweet Spot in the living room too. It's at the end of the couch; close to the bathroom with a great view of the TV. And it's going to be mine!" [grabs his radio] "Nose Bleeder, this is Couch Potato. Operation: Snag the Sofa is a go!" [wails crazily and heads out the door to catch the best spot on the sofa, probably his sisters did as well.]