The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[Royal Woods Elementary School: A fourth grader is hopping through the tire obstacle course in gym class. She stops by Coach Pacowski, and he hands her a passing slip.] Coach Pacowski: "Congrats, kiddo! You passed!" [She runs off, panning the screen to the remaining students--including the Morticians Club members, who all have the same slips.] "Alright, so just one of you left to take the physical fitness exam." [The students look to the side, revealing the untested student to be Lucy.] Lucy: "And thus the nightmare begins." [Thunder roars]
[Outside, Coach Pacowski pitches Lucy a baseball. But as Lucy swings the bat, she misses and spins around, ramming into her friends and landing in a dogpile. Next, Lucy tries to kick a football, but it goes straight up, bounces off the ground, and hits Coach Pacowski as he is about to blow his whistle, causing him to swallow it by mistake. Then, Lucy attempts the tire course. She jumps into one tire successfully, but loses her balance and flops through all the rest. One tire flies through the air and lands onto Coach Pacowski, which causes him to spit out his whistle. He blows it, then Lucy rolls over and sighs.] Coach Pacowski:[He gets himself out of the tire and walks over to Lucy.] "So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side: I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!" [Lucy is horrified as Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head, and she imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon, with Pacowski in a wheelchair and Lucy struggling to lift weights.] Old Pacowski: "28, 29--" [Old Lucy hits his arm, making him swallow the whistle and choke on it.] [Back to reality: Pacowski blows his whistle.] Coach Pacowski: "Okay everybody, you're gonna want to clear out. Kindergarten gymnastics is starting, and believe me: It is sheer chaos."
[Pacowski and the other students run off, leaving the Morticians Club. Boris picks up Lucy and stands her up beside her friends.] Lucy: "I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?" Bertrand: "All I can say is thank goodness for those S.S. Fun Times samba classes." [He twirls around and dances, even dipping Dante.] Boris: "And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones." Haiku: "There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she 'sporty'?" Lucy: "Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like sit-ups." [Lightning flashes and she imagines Lynn cackling devilishly while doing sit-ups, which horrifies her.] "No, I need something fast and easy, and that means doing what the Morticians Club does best." Boris, Bertrand, Dante, Haiku, and Persephone: "Magic." Morpheus: "Complaining." [Everyone else is surprised.] Lucy: "Both answers are valid, but I meant magic."
[The Loud house: The Morticians Club is inside Lucy's room with a cauldron, and Persephone holds a spell book.] Dante: "Ooh, I'm loving your new spell book, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather." Persephone: "A birthday gift from my parents, it came in the Sassy Sorceress kit." [She hands Dante the kit, and he, Haiku, and Morpheus stare at it in awe.] "It looks like the first ingredient for the athletic potion is the hair of a cat, for nimbleness." [Cliff is nearby, cleaning himself. He tries to run away, but Boris grabs him and yanks a hair from his body, causing him to yowl in pain. Boris hands Lucy the hair, and Lucy drops it into the cauldron, turning the potion from pink to purple. However, Cliff is still angry and attacks Boris's head. He jumps off and Boris falls over.] Persephone: "A weightlifter's yell, for strength." [Lucy opens a bottle, and the yell flows into the cauldron. However, the yell causes a large gust of wind which blows Boris out of the room.] Boris: "CURSE THESE HOLLOW BONES!" Persephone: "A whoopie cushion, for greater lung capacity." [Lucy drops one of Luan's whoopie cushions into the cauldron, which farts and causes the potion to bubble over.] "Now it says dip a pair of running shoes in the potion." [Lucy does this, and the shoes begin glowing.] "And then put them on." [Lucy places the shoes on the floor, but before she can put them on, they come alive and kick her shin.] Lucy: "Ow." [She hops and clutches her leg, and the shoes run away on their own. The Morticians Club follows them and gasps.] "After those shoes." [They chase the shoes toward Lincoln's room, but they trip and the shoes run up the door and jump over them. The club chases them down the stairs, but the shoes run through the front door and close it just as the club runs into it. The shoes run off on their own, passing Luan and Mr. Coconuts.] Mr. Coconuts: "And they're off to the laces." [rimshot] [Back in Lucy's room, Persephone holds a wand from her magic kit.] Persephone: "This next plan should be foolproof: If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test." [Persephone twirls the wand, and it casts a ray of magical energy onto Lucy. However, instead of making her older, it turns her into a baby to the club's horror.] Baby Lucy:[holds a skull rattle] "Waah." Persephone: "Whoops, wrong direction." [She tries again, but this time she changes Lucy into an old lady, just like from her earlier vision.] "Whoops, too far." [She is stopped by Old Lucy.] Old Lucy: "I have to pee before you change me back. Can't hold it like I used to."
[Royal Woods Elementary School: Lucy has been changed back to her original age, and she and the club are standing outside Coach Pacowski's office. Persephone opens her kit and pulls out a jar with a green potion.] Persephone: "Just one drink of this memory-be-gone potion and Coach will forget that you need to take the test." [She opens the cork and pours the potion into a coffee mug. Coach Pacowski whistles as he opens his file cabinet. While he isn't looking, Lucy swaps his coffee mug for the one with Persephone's potion. Coach Pacowski comes back and drinks his potion...] Coach Pacowski: "Mmm." [...but he suddenly transforms into a lizard. The club notices in horror, then Haiku takes the bottle and reads the label, noticing something.] Haiku: "Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? 'May cause dizziness or lizardness'." [Lizard Pacowski walks off, and the members of the Morticians Club follow him--except a still stunned Persephone.] Persephone:[fed up] "Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday." [She kicks away the Sassy Sorceress kit and hurries off after her friends. The club runs down the hallway after Pacowski, but Lucy lags behind breathlessly as they stop.] Lucy: "Hear me out: What if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day, win-win." [The club is unamused.] "Sigh. Worth a shot." Dante:[notices] "There he goes!" [Lizard Pacowski is climbing into an ajar trophy case. Dante runs over and opens the case, then he grabs Pacowski. As he does, he knocks over a picture.] Lucy: "Careful, Dante. You knocked down this old photograph of..." [She looks at the picture, which displays a woman holding a trophy and pole. The person is named...] "Speedy Edie. Hmm, this says that Edie won these trophies as a student here back in the 1920s." [The camera pans up to reveal all the trophies and ribbons displayed within the case.] "She went on to become a famous multi-sport athlete. Gasp, I know how to fix my problem. Everyone to the cemetery, away." [She runs past Dante and Pacowski as the rest of the club comes up.] Haiku:[sighs] "We should probably change Coach P back first." [He stretches his tongue out and grabs Haiku's face.] "And soon."
[Royal Woods Cemetery: The Morticians Club hold a séance around Speedy Edie's grave.] Lucy: "Oh, dear Edie, thou art so speedy. I beg thee, come, for I am needy." [Immediately, Edie's ghost rises from the ground. She jumps into the air and does several flips, then she lands on her feet in front of Lucy.] Edie: "That's gotta be my fastest sprint from the afterlife yet! So which one of you guys was clocking me?" [Boris, Dante, and Persephone all stare in confusion.] "'Kay, no one? Great." [She sprints over to Lucy and begins doing several stretches.] "So, Bangs, what's up?" Lucy: "I need you to take over my body and pass my school fitness exam for me. I'd be eternally grateful." Edie: "What are we talking?" [jogs in place] "100-mile course?" [does handstand pushups] "300 pushups? Climb the side of a high-rise building?" Lucy: "Swing a bat, kick a ball, and jump through tires." Edie: "Wow, what has physical fitness come to in this town?" [stretches her hamstring] "Well, I'm always up to stretch my haunted hammies. Edie's in, literally." [She jumps into the air and belly-flops into Lucy's body. Lucy begins glowing teal and Edie performs a successful pose. The glow fades, and using Lucy's body, Edie sprints to the cemetery gate, then performs a peel-out and sprints away.]
[Royal Woods Elementary: Coach Pacowski is now human again and is preparing to give "Lucy" her test.] Coach Pacowski: "Okay, test time." [He prepares to pitch the ball, but he suddenly sticks out a lizard tongue as a side effect from the memory-be-gone potion. He is taken by surprise.] "Sorry, I don't know why I keep doing that." [The Morticians Club are stunned by this.] [Coach Pacowski throws Lucy the ball, and Edie swings the bat so hard that the baseball flies into the sky with a fiery trail. It twinkles as it disappears, leaving Pacowski shocked. Next, Edie kicks a football through the goal post and out of sight. Third, Edie jumps and performs acrobatic maneuvers through the tire obstacle course, leaving Pacowski shocked. The Morticians Club applauds, and Pacowski hands "Lucy" her passing slip. Lucy takes it, then Edie pops out of her body and high-fives her. Edie flies back into Lucy's body, and they sprint off with the Morticians Club following. Just then, a fly buzzes near Pacowski's face, and he grabs it with his tongue and swallows it. He is satisfied for a moment, but then is shocked that he ate the fly.]
[Edie runs all the way back to the cemetery and jumps out of Lucy's body.] Lucy: "Thanks for helping me pass, Edie. You were amazing." Edie: "That's why they call me Speedy. Well, that and 'cause I talk fast, and eat fast, and drive fast, and do everything fast!" [squats] "Matter of fact, I hold the state record for fastest time in long-distance running." [runs in place] "Is that fast, or is that fast?!" Haiku: "Not fast enough." [Edie suddenly stops, and Haiku reveals something on her phone.] "Someone beat your record." Edie: "WHAT?! But how can that be, magic hand box of knowledge? Well, we're just gonna have to fix that, otherwise those wise guys in the afterlife will never let me forget it." [to Lucy] "Bangs! You have to let me possess you again so I can beat the record." Lucy: "Sorry, but I've had enough exercise and possession to last all my lives, past and present." Edie:[annoyed] "Oh, I get it. Thanks to Edie, you pass the fourth grade, and what do I get in return? A big--" [Raspberry; Edie begins to sink back into her grave in disappointment.] "It's fine. I'll spend an eternity haunted by shame, and when I float by, they'll laugh. They'll say, 'There she goes, "At-a-Modest-Pace Edie"'." [She sobs as she begins to disappear, and Lucy has had enough guilting.] Lucy: "Fine, I'll do it." Edie:[She rises back out of the ground energetically.] "Thatta girl, Bangs! Now, if we're gonna break the record, I've gotta get you in tip-top, tippity-top condition. This isn't a two-bit kiddie fitness test. Long-distance running requires intense training, starting now." [Edie runs around Lucy and makes her collapse in horror.]
[Loud house: Edie's training regime on Lucy has her start by performing jumping jacks while she coaches her with a megaphone.] Edie: "Next!" [Lucy hurries over to a fast-moving treadmill and sprints in a peel-out to keep herself on it.] "Next!" [Lucy stops the treadmill and hurries to a barbell. She begins to lift it, and she does so, but it pushes her into the ground.] Lucy: "Sigh."
[Hunnicut Farm: Lucy ties a rope around her waist.] Edie: "This will help you achieve maximum speed by strengthening your tooshie." [Lucy looks back, and the other end of the rope is tied to a tractor and trailer. Liam sits in the tractor's seat, and all the farm animals are piled in the trailer. They all call out in agreement, then Virginia squeals at Liam in confusion.] Liam: "I ain't askin' no questions. When a glowin' ghost lady says 'get on the tractor', you get on the tractor." [gives a thumbs-up] [Lucy begins walking toward a slope, but the tractor doesn't move. Edie shouts at her with two megaphones.] Edie: "Is that all you got, Bangs?!" [Lucy pulls harder, and she begins to drag the tractor up the slope, and she makes it to the top.] "Now that's what I'm talkin' about! I'd say it's time to go break that record! Let's do it!" [Edie flies off, but Lucy collapses in exhaustion. Then the tractor and trailer start rolling backwards down the hill, towing Lucy with them.] Lucy: "Alarmed yell!" [The tractor and trailer crash, and the animals scream.]
[Tall Timbers Park: Bertrand sets up a spider web finish line for Lucy and Edie, while Haiku holds a stopwatch. She peers into the distance, then at her watch.] Haiku: "They've been running since dawn. Lucy must be dead tired by now." Boris: "Look, she approaches!" [Lucy comes running toward the finish line and crosses it, then she groans and collapses as Edie exits her body. Edie checks the stopwatch, but she is disappointed.] Edie: "Argh! We missed beating the record by four seconds!" [rushes back to Lucy] "Well, Bangs, we'll just have to hit the training even harder!" [She runs off, but comes back when Lucy doesn't follow her.] "Come on, let's see some hustle! We got a lot of work to do!" Lucy: "I can't do this anymore. Your training is torture." Edie: "But you said you'd help, and I haven't broken the record yet!" Lucy: "Sorry." Edie:[groans] "I hate to do this to you, but I am as desperate as I am speedy: If you don't help me, I'll tell your coach you didn't take the fitness exam yourself, and that means fourth grade forever!" [Lightning flashes and images of Coach Pacowski cackling devilishly while doing sit-ups appear around her, which horrifies Lucy.] Lucy: "Great, blackmailed by a ghost. I guess this is what I get for cheating in the first place." [She stands up and walks away.] Edie: "Hey, where you going, Bangs?" Lucy: "To make this right."
[She ends up going back to Coach Pacowski.] Coach Pacowski: "Let me get this straight: You want to redo the test because last time, you cheated by having the ghost of a 1920s athlete possess your body?" [Lucy nods in confirmation, and Coach Pacowski shrugs in agreement.] "Eh, I've heard weirder. Okay, knock yourself out, Loud." Lucy: "Here goes nothing." [She inhales and runs toward the obstacle course as the Morticians Club watches her.]
[Royal Woods Cemetery: Lucy posts a passing slip on a gravestone billboard, showing she successfully passed her fitness test on her own. The other members of the club (except Boris, who is not there) applaud.] Persephone: "Congratulations, Lucy. You passed all on your own." Lucy: "Thanks. I guess all that training with Edie helped." Edie:[offscreen] "You're welcome, Bangs." [The screen pans to show Edie floating next to Lucy and smiling.] Lucy: "So, no hard feelings about me not helping you break the record?" Edie: "No way, I ended up finding somebody who was more than happy to help me. With my speed and his hollow bones, we'll be unbeatable!" [The scene cuts to Boris on a treadmill, showing that he is Edie's new apprentice.] Boris: "Boris is going to be a champion!" [He does a peel-out and runs through the control panel of the treadmill, breaking it and crashing offscreen to end the episode.]
